I spent the weekend eating sushi and drinking raspberry mojitos and getting massages (okay, just one massage, but it was wonderful and I really wish I could get one monthly because I think it's really good for my body) and now I don't really feel like being responsible anymore.
I had a midterm in my class tonight and I feel like I did okay considering how little I studied and how much I just don't care right now. That's the only problem with knowing that I already have a plan for the fall if I want it: now I don't see the point of putting much effort into stuff here when even if it's just mediocre it's not really going to make a difference. I just have to pass. I just have to finish. And I can do both of those things with a minimal amount of effort, so I can already feel myself getting incredibly lazy.
I am going to finish my thesis this week, though, or at least attempt to finish the bulk of it, if only because I really don't want to have to worry about it over spring break.
Just out of curiousity, I started looking online at apartments in my potential future home today. Not that this is a necessary step at this point because nothing is definite right now, obviously, but it was just something to do to waste time when I should have been studying. The thing is, it just stressed me out because they're already renting apartments for fall 2007 and I feel like by the time I'm actually ready to look for an apartment anywhere, everything "good" is going to be gone. It also stressed me out because it's hard to find an apartment that is pet friendly. It's even harder to find a pet friendly apartment or house that would give me the space to get a second dog, which is what I really want. I'm already trying to talk myself out of the idea of getting a sibling for Cohen. I don't think he's unhappy being my only dog, I just know he'd be happier in the long run if there was another canine member of our "pack" and I'd hate to wait until he's 6 or 7 years old to try to introduce a second dog. The weird thing is that all of the places I was reading about today have "pet rent", a monthly charge I'd have to pay for Cohen and Jose. I'm not opposed to that, and obviously I'm going to do whatever I need to do to keep my animals with me, but I find the pet rent concept really strange and would rather just pay a one-time pet deposit like you do here. The nice thing, however, is that the cost of renting an apartment doesn't seem to be substantially more expensive up there than it is here.
It's still so weird to think that in a few months I'll be living somewhere else (well, in a few months I'll probably be living in El Paso, but THEN I'll be living somewhere else). I'm not going to lie, I'm sort of nervous about it. I just don't like the six month adjustment period. Part of it is really exciting and fun, but there's the lonely part, too, which will be lonelier than ever this time since this will be the first time I'll move and truly know NOBODY where I'm going. And then there's the fact that I just really hit my stride here a year or so ago, so it seems too early to already be leaving here. I love my friends here. I love the way all of us grad students get along so well this year. Even the professors are commenting these days on what a unique, cohesive group we are and how great it is that we get along so well with each other. I think if you didn't know which of us were second years and first years and which of us were history/crit or directing you'd never be able to tell just by watching us together. It's great, the feeling that we all belong here and were meant to end up together here at this point in our lives. That sounds cheesy, but it's true. So I'm going to hate to leave everyone here. I'd never dream of staying, of course, because you can't hold on to times like this. These circles of friends form under specific circumstances and in specific moments and even if nobody leaves they eventually fall apart anyway. Still, it's going to be hard to leave in May.
Wednesday, February 28, 2007
Friday, February 23, 2007
Vacation Planning
With less than three weeks until we're in New York, Mandi and I finally got with the program tonight and did some real planning. We (me, Mandi, and Kymberli) now have tickets to see Spring Awakening and Talk Radio. I'm really excited about both, especially Spring Awakening, which I've been hearing really great things about. We wanted to try to get tickets to Wicked, too, but I'm not about to pay $250+ for tickets to a show. That's ridiculous. The only seats left were "premium seats". I figure maybe we'll try the lottery or the TKTS booth for that one, or maybe we'll decide that two Broadway shows is enough for us and we have other things to do.
As for other things I really want to do while I'm there, the only thing I'm dead set on trying to do is visit the Metropolitan Museum of Art because I've been to New York three times but somehow never been there. Other than that I'm hoping that Mandi will want to call a lot of the shots, because it is her first time there and I feel like she needs to try for her ideal experience (and I'm happy to do anything, frankly). I'm getting really excited about seeing Kymberli, too. It already feels like it has been years since we saw each other in Las Vegas.
I'm still on an emotional high from getting into a Ph.D. program so everything has been making me happy lately [incidentally, when I do have 100% definite plans I will do a post letting you know what program(s) accepted me...it will just be a temporary post, but I don't intend to leave you in the dark forever if you actually read my nonsense regularly]. I'm also really excited because my parents are coming to town tomorrow and we have a fun weekend planned. Tomorrow a big group of us is going to dinner at Kenichi. Sushi! It's Shane's belated birthday dinner since he turned 20 earlier this month. Shane is bitching (in a mostly joking way) that now it has turned into a celebration for me, too, but as far as I'm concerned it's still Shane's birthday party and that's it. Then since my parents are being all extravagant and staying at the Four Seasons again (lucky bastards), Mom made us massage appointments at their spa for Sunday, which I'm so excited about. I'm afraid my massage therapist is going to be horrified, though, because my entire body is covered in bruises from that stupid scene I did earlier this week. Zak and I tried to be careful and not actually injure each other, but I have a fairly visible bruise on my right calf, another one on my back, and a HUGE bruise on the upper part of my right thigh. I am so amazed by this bruise that I kind of want to take pictures and document it, except that's disgusting. I think it will be bathing suit season before this bruise fades completely, that's how intense it is. Sick.
Sunday Chelsea and I are also going to try to have a little birthday party for Morty and Cohen. Speaking of which, today is Cohen's birthday! My "baby" is two years old now! Time flies. I remember when I could hold him in one hand, and now he's 46 pounds of howling hound dog.
What I haven't figured out yet is when I'm going to get any thesis work done this weekend and when I'm going to study for my midterm on Tuesday because my weekend schedule is basically
Saturday:
8:30-10:30: Wake up and clean the apartment/groom the basset (ideally-I may in fact sleep in spite of my best intentions)
10:30-4ish: Shift at the restaurant
6:00: Run box office for the show
8:00: Dinner with everyone, and I'm sure I'll get home way too late to get anything accomplished
Sunday:
11:00: Work out (again, ideally)
12:30: Another box office shift
3:00: Massage
4:30ish: Dog birthday party
Evening: Dinner with my family, probably
So I can probably do a tiny bit of work tomorrow afternoon if I get ambitious, and I can hopefully get some work done late Sunday night. But basically, the bulk of my studying/writing will have to get done Monday and during the day on Tuesday, and I don't have a whole ton of time then, either, because rehearsals for Richie's show are in high gear now since we open March 6th. Plus we need to spend Monday morning at Goodwill looking for props.
But don't even bother telling me how stupid it is to prioritize things like dog birthday parties and massages over my studies because I realize how ridiculous I am. I also realize life is too short to be responsible all the damn time.
As for other things I really want to do while I'm there, the only thing I'm dead set on trying to do is visit the Metropolitan Museum of Art because I've been to New York three times but somehow never been there. Other than that I'm hoping that Mandi will want to call a lot of the shots, because it is her first time there and I feel like she needs to try for her ideal experience (and I'm happy to do anything, frankly). I'm getting really excited about seeing Kymberli, too. It already feels like it has been years since we saw each other in Las Vegas.
I'm still on an emotional high from getting into a Ph.D. program so everything has been making me happy lately [incidentally, when I do have 100% definite plans I will do a post letting you know what program(s) accepted me...it will just be a temporary post, but I don't intend to leave you in the dark forever if you actually read my nonsense regularly]. I'm also really excited because my parents are coming to town tomorrow and we have a fun weekend planned. Tomorrow a big group of us is going to dinner at Kenichi. Sushi! It's Shane's belated birthday dinner since he turned 20 earlier this month. Shane is bitching (in a mostly joking way) that now it has turned into a celebration for me, too, but as far as I'm concerned it's still Shane's birthday party and that's it. Then since my parents are being all extravagant and staying at the Four Seasons again (lucky bastards), Mom made us massage appointments at their spa for Sunday, which I'm so excited about. I'm afraid my massage therapist is going to be horrified, though, because my entire body is covered in bruises from that stupid scene I did earlier this week. Zak and I tried to be careful and not actually injure each other, but I have a fairly visible bruise on my right calf, another one on my back, and a HUGE bruise on the upper part of my right thigh. I am so amazed by this bruise that I kind of want to take pictures and document it, except that's disgusting. I think it will be bathing suit season before this bruise fades completely, that's how intense it is. Sick.
Sunday Chelsea and I are also going to try to have a little birthday party for Morty and Cohen. Speaking of which, today is Cohen's birthday! My "baby" is two years old now! Time flies. I remember when I could hold him in one hand, and now he's 46 pounds of howling hound dog.
What I haven't figured out yet is when I'm going to get any thesis work done this weekend and when I'm going to study for my midterm on Tuesday because my weekend schedule is basically
Saturday:
8:30-10:30: Wake up and clean the apartment/groom the basset (ideally-I may in fact sleep in spite of my best intentions)
10:30-4ish: Shift at the restaurant
6:00: Run box office for the show
8:00: Dinner with everyone, and I'm sure I'll get home way too late to get anything accomplished
Sunday:
11:00: Work out (again, ideally)
12:30: Another box office shift
3:00: Massage
4:30ish: Dog birthday party
Evening: Dinner with my family, probably
So I can probably do a tiny bit of work tomorrow afternoon if I get ambitious, and I can hopefully get some work done late Sunday night. But basically, the bulk of my studying/writing will have to get done Monday and during the day on Tuesday, and I don't have a whole ton of time then, either, because rehearsals for Richie's show are in high gear now since we open March 6th. Plus we need to spend Monday morning at Goodwill looking for props.
But don't even bother telling me how stupid it is to prioritize things like dog birthday parties and massages over my studies because I realize how ridiculous I am. I also realize life is too short to be responsible all the damn time.
Wednesday, February 21, 2007
Accepted!
You can ignore this morning's post if you want to, because I just checked my mail and had an official letter that says "Congratulations! We are pleased to inform you of your admission to The ___ ____ University Doctor of Philosophy degree program for Theatre for Autumn Quarter 2007."
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My mind is completely blown. I seriously never thought I'd get in anywhere for the fall. To know that I have been accepted somewhere and have a place to go in the fall for sure is such a weight off my shoulders. I'm not going to have to move back to El Paso and bartend indefinitely! I have a plan! A plan that might change if I somehow manage to get accepted somewhere else, too, but still! A plan!
I'll be starting a Ph.D. program in the fall. It feels so good to type that!
There are still a ton of unknowns. I don't know what sort of financial package or job they're offering me (if any) for one thing. And I suppose there is a little bit of chance that I could end up with more than one offer, in which case I have no idea what the heck I'd do. But maybe I won't have that (admittedly good to have) dilemma. Maybe I'm already set and just don't know it yet.
Either way, today is a day for celebrating.
On the downside, I guess this means I actually do have to finish my thesis on time and pass my comprehensive exam because, hey, I have things to do! My regalia came in the mail yesterday, too, another incentive to get my act together and finish up here. I can't believe that all of this is actually going to happen.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My mind is completely blown. I seriously never thought I'd get in anywhere for the fall. To know that I have been accepted somewhere and have a place to go in the fall for sure is such a weight off my shoulders. I'm not going to have to move back to El Paso and bartend indefinitely! I have a plan! A plan that might change if I somehow manage to get accepted somewhere else, too, but still! A plan!
I'll be starting a Ph.D. program in the fall. It feels so good to type that!
There are still a ton of unknowns. I don't know what sort of financial package or job they're offering me (if any) for one thing. And I suppose there is a little bit of chance that I could end up with more than one offer, in which case I have no idea what the heck I'd do. But maybe I won't have that (admittedly good to have) dilemma. Maybe I'm already set and just don't know it yet.
Either way, today is a day for celebrating.
On the downside, I guess this means I actually do have to finish my thesis on time and pass my comprehensive exam because, hey, I have things to do! My regalia came in the mail yesterday, too, another incentive to get my act together and finish up here. I can't believe that all of this is actually going to happen.
Not Exactly Jumping Up and Down Yet, But...
So I woke up about an hour ago and on a whim I decided to check my application status at all of the schools I applied to last month. I already know Stanford said no (yes, it was Stanford, if I never mentioned that...do you see why I'm not exactly surprised that I didn't get accepted there? It really is quite a bit out of my reach, and more of a directing program than a dramaturgy program to boot, so not surprising at all). Also, I figure I can tell you the names of the schools I don't get into because the only reason I'm not telling you the others is that if I do get accepted and end up moving there I don't want to give out that much identifying information. Not that any more than six people actually read this thing, but still, I'm a little paranoid.
Anyway. I couldn't remember my screenname or password to log onto my application at the other California school, and I gave up on trying to figure it out, so I still don't know about that one. One of the schools up north is still pending, as is never-gonna-happen-longshot-number-two-east-coast school. And at the other east coast school I went to check my application and it says my application status is incomplete, which is completely screwed up because I'm 100% positive it was complete when I submitted it and paid the application fee last month. I'm hoping that the website is just being wonky and that they do in fact have all of my information on file; I have an e-mail out to someone right now hoping to clear that all up.
So then I checked my application status at the other school up north, and it listed all of my information and the program I'd applied to and all of that stuff, and then it said this:
"Status: You will receive a letter requesting that you confirm your plans to attend ____ _____University. Please confirm your intentions to enroll by APRIL 16, 2007."
I haven't received anything else from them yet, not an official letter or anything like that. They did send me a personal e-mail last week requesting my FAFSA information (you know, an e-mail addressed to me that didn't feel computer-generated and as if it had been sent to every applicant automatically), but that's all I've gotten so far. Still...does that sound like an acceptance to you?
I mean, surely that's not their idea of an "application pending" message. If so, that would be very misleading. If they're wanting me to confirm my intentions to enroll, that probably means I'm in, right?
I'm going to wait a week or two to see if I get an actual letter in the mail, and if not I'll call them to clarify. But...I think I might have actually gotten accepted somewhere!
This could still just be blah. They might be offering me no money at all whatsoever. It might be a computer error. I'm not counting my chickens yet, exactly.
But I'm feeling pretty hopeful right now, I must say.
Anyway. I couldn't remember my screenname or password to log onto my application at the other California school, and I gave up on trying to figure it out, so I still don't know about that one. One of the schools up north is still pending, as is never-gonna-happen-longshot-number-two-east-coast school. And at the other east coast school I went to check my application and it says my application status is incomplete, which is completely screwed up because I'm 100% positive it was complete when I submitted it and paid the application fee last month. I'm hoping that the website is just being wonky and that they do in fact have all of my information on file; I have an e-mail out to someone right now hoping to clear that all up.
So then I checked my application status at the other school up north, and it listed all of my information and the program I'd applied to and all of that stuff, and then it said this:
"Status: You will receive a letter requesting that you confirm your plans to attend ____ _____University. Please confirm your intentions to enroll by APRIL 16, 2007."
I haven't received anything else from them yet, not an official letter or anything like that. They did send me a personal e-mail last week requesting my FAFSA information (you know, an e-mail addressed to me that didn't feel computer-generated and as if it had been sent to every applicant automatically), but that's all I've gotten so far. Still...does that sound like an acceptance to you?
I mean, surely that's not their idea of an "application pending" message. If so, that would be very misleading. If they're wanting me to confirm my intentions to enroll, that probably means I'm in, right?
I'm going to wait a week or two to see if I get an actual letter in the mail, and if not I'll call them to clarify. But...I think I might have actually gotten accepted somewhere!
This could still just be blah. They might be offering me no money at all whatsoever. It might be a computer error. I'm not counting my chickens yet, exactly.
But I'm feeling pretty hopeful right now, I must say.
Sunday, February 18, 2007
Sundays
So it's Sunday night at 11:30, and I'm once again doing what I always do on Sunday nights now. Namely, I'm thinking of a million ways to procrastinate so I don't have to do any thesis writing even though I desperately need to be working on it because I have pages due on Tuesday morning, as usual. This week will mark the halfway point for me, if I actually get any writing done. I'm just finding this whole process really tiring, because each week I get a little bit done and I feel that relieved, mission accomplished feeling, but then the next day it starts all over again and I'm really tired of it. This does not bode well for possibly writing a dissertation one of these days, huh? At least I'm still on track. And I've already finished my reading for class this week, so that's...something.
The play I'm stage managing is going really well. As long as the actors keep up their end of the bargain and get off book this week like they're supposed to, I think we'll be in good shape. The scene I'm acting in is going less well, although it has been getting better lately. It has just been the most frustrating experience because basically the scene is a comedic attempted rape. Yes. Comedic attempted rape. Thank you, Peter Shaffer, for writing the most impossible scene ever. There is nothing funny when a guy pushes you down onto a bed and forces you to kiss him and tries to do more when you're not interested. It's just not funny. It's hard to play things like "frustrated" and "oh ho ho, he's so goofy and nerdy and going about this the wrong way", because really, it's just kind of scary. I think in real life, even if the person is your best friend and you're almost 100% positive that nothing much will actually happen against your will, it's still scary. So I'm having a heck of a time finding motivation in this scene. Plus my scene partner has to push me backwards off of a chair onto the floor and then pick me up and toss me onto a bed and kiss really forcefully and sloppily along my neck and jaw and he's kind of scruffy so I leave rehearsals now with my entire neck and jawline bright red. And I'm bruising myself from all the crashing around. And he's trying not to hurt me but apparently I suddenly have the most sensitive skin ever. Also, I'm sure there's a safer, saner way to block this scene but we're all about the realism and frankly, I don't have time to spend hours learning believable stage combat. It's stupid, but in my mind a little pain is worth the time saved. Plus I get to say, "I do my own stunts!" as I'm crashing out of the bed for the dozenth time.
I'm taking my cat and my dog to the vet together tomorrow. Jose needs his annual check-up, and Cohen needs his bordatella vaccine so he can stay at the kennel for a few days while I'm in New York (Chels will watch him the rest of the time). I booked their appointments together so I wouldn't have to make two vet trips this month, but now I'm thinking that poor Jose is going to be stressed out by basset baying as he's getting his shots. Poor cat.
Last night I had a very bizarre exchange with a guy at a bar in Austin. I was out with a bunch of my friends (Mandi and Jason, Jason's best friend whose name I can't spell, Debbie, and Richie) and we went to this bar on west 6th at the end of the night. As Debbie and I were standing at the bar ordering our drinks, this guy standing down the bar from me caught my eye. He was really good looking so I gave him one of those "Yes, I saw you looking at me and now I'm acknowledging that I'm looking at you, too, so feel free to approach me" looks, and I saw him lean over and say something to his friend and gesture at me and Debbie, and then I lost sight of him in the crush of people at the bar. A moment later the guy was standing behind me with his hands on my shoulders, and he sort of rubbed my shoulders and said, "So, can we use your credit card?" I pulled out from under his hands and said, "What? What are you talking about?" (I was using cash to buy my drink, which was the least of the problems with his question) and his buddy said, "You're buying, right?" and I was a bit taken aback so I didn't say anything right away and Debbie goes, "Did he just ask for your credit card?" and the first guy goes, "I thought you girls liked to have the power," and then he went to put his hands on my shoulders again and I pulled away again and walked away quickly, and Debbie said under her breath (although I wish she'd said it to his face), "Yeah. That's why we're buying our own drinks." What an asshole. Has that bit ever worked on anybody? I really hope not. I guess I could give him the benefit of the doubt and assume that he was just joking and I misinterpreted him and walked away from the situation too quickly, but no. I'm pretty sure he was just an asshole. The uninvited shoulder massage was a pretty good sign of that. I don't know you. Don't touch me. Weirdo.
I would really like to meet a normal, dateable guy.
I'll leave this disjointed entry at that.
The play I'm stage managing is going really well. As long as the actors keep up their end of the bargain and get off book this week like they're supposed to, I think we'll be in good shape. The scene I'm acting in is going less well, although it has been getting better lately. It has just been the most frustrating experience because basically the scene is a comedic attempted rape. Yes. Comedic attempted rape. Thank you, Peter Shaffer, for writing the most impossible scene ever. There is nothing funny when a guy pushes you down onto a bed and forces you to kiss him and tries to do more when you're not interested. It's just not funny. It's hard to play things like "frustrated" and "oh ho ho, he's so goofy and nerdy and going about this the wrong way", because really, it's just kind of scary. I think in real life, even if the person is your best friend and you're almost 100% positive that nothing much will actually happen against your will, it's still scary. So I'm having a heck of a time finding motivation in this scene. Plus my scene partner has to push me backwards off of a chair onto the floor and then pick me up and toss me onto a bed and kiss really forcefully and sloppily along my neck and jaw and he's kind of scruffy so I leave rehearsals now with my entire neck and jawline bright red. And I'm bruising myself from all the crashing around. And he's trying not to hurt me but apparently I suddenly have the most sensitive skin ever. Also, I'm sure there's a safer, saner way to block this scene but we're all about the realism and frankly, I don't have time to spend hours learning believable stage combat. It's stupid, but in my mind a little pain is worth the time saved. Plus I get to say, "I do my own stunts!" as I'm crashing out of the bed for the dozenth time.
I'm taking my cat and my dog to the vet together tomorrow. Jose needs his annual check-up, and Cohen needs his bordatella vaccine so he can stay at the kennel for a few days while I'm in New York (Chels will watch him the rest of the time). I booked their appointments together so I wouldn't have to make two vet trips this month, but now I'm thinking that poor Jose is going to be stressed out by basset baying as he's getting his shots. Poor cat.
Last night I had a very bizarre exchange with a guy at a bar in Austin. I was out with a bunch of my friends (Mandi and Jason, Jason's best friend whose name I can't spell, Debbie, and Richie) and we went to this bar on west 6th at the end of the night. As Debbie and I were standing at the bar ordering our drinks, this guy standing down the bar from me caught my eye. He was really good looking so I gave him one of those "Yes, I saw you looking at me and now I'm acknowledging that I'm looking at you, too, so feel free to approach me" looks, and I saw him lean over and say something to his friend and gesture at me and Debbie, and then I lost sight of him in the crush of people at the bar. A moment later the guy was standing behind me with his hands on my shoulders, and he sort of rubbed my shoulders and said, "So, can we use your credit card?" I pulled out from under his hands and said, "What? What are you talking about?" (I was using cash to buy my drink, which was the least of the problems with his question) and his buddy said, "You're buying, right?" and I was a bit taken aback so I didn't say anything right away and Debbie goes, "Did he just ask for your credit card?" and the first guy goes, "I thought you girls liked to have the power," and then he went to put his hands on my shoulders again and I pulled away again and walked away quickly, and Debbie said under her breath (although I wish she'd said it to his face), "Yeah. That's why we're buying our own drinks." What an asshole. Has that bit ever worked on anybody? I really hope not. I guess I could give him the benefit of the doubt and assume that he was just joking and I misinterpreted him and walked away from the situation too quickly, but no. I'm pretty sure he was just an asshole. The uninvited shoulder massage was a pretty good sign of that. I don't know you. Don't touch me. Weirdo.
I would really like to meet a normal, dateable guy.
I'll leave this disjointed entry at that.
Tuesday, February 13, 2007
Sorority Snooping and Other Things
I wrote ten more pages tonight! So that's twenty pages down, about fifty more to go. I figure I'm more or less 1/3rd of the way finished, especially when I take into consideration that I did a ton of research yesterday for a bunch of sections beyond the two that I was actually working on this week. I still have the trickiest sections yet to write, though, so...eh. I normally like to do the hardest bits first and save the easier stuff for later, but that just hasn't been working for me this time around. I'm finding it hard to fight the writer's block on this project for some reason, so I guess I figure if I can get the easiest parts done with first I'll at least be able to go, "Look, you've already written this much, just finish the crazy thing." At least I'm sticking to my personal schedule so far. I'm proud of myself for that.
In other news, I think my College Ex must be between girls right now because he called me last night and spent forty minutes talking about how incredible and unique I am and how jealous he is of my accomplishments (huh?) and how much I inspire him and how much he loves me (eh). And while you may think that sounds lovely, it's not really. It's flattering, yes. Of course it's flattering. But it's flattering for about three minutes and then I'd like to have an actual conversation about what's going on in my life and what's going on in his life, but no, instead I just have to listen to the endless, rambling litany of praise. It gets old quickly. And although you'd never believe it by reading how much I brag about myself here, listening to someone babble on and on about me just makes me feel incredibly awkward. By the end of the conversation I was keeping a mental tally: Times he's talked about being jealous that I presented at an academic conference-3, times he has mentioned how great it was the last time he came to visit me here-9, times he has talked about how much he loves my family-4, times he has said some variation on, "You're going to get whatever you want from life"-712 million. I tried to change the subject a dozen times, but each time I got about three sentences from him and then he was right back to talking about how wonderful I am. And you might think I'm exaggerating when I say this went on for forty minutes, but no, I'm not. And it was three in the morning. I don't know why I answered the phone, honestly, since I'm sure he was drunk or high or something. I'd forgotten how exhausting it can be to try to have an actual two-sided conversation with him. I can't figure out what's going through his mind when he calls me like that. I guess I mostly get annoyed with it because I don't feel like he's really being sincere, but since I no longer let him sleep with me in any way, shape, or form and he's well aware of that, what's the point of all the flattery if it's not sincere? It also bothers me because it's not at all mutual. As much as we had a good time together in college (we did) and as much as I care about him as a friend (I do) and as much as I don't regret all the time we spent together (I don't-at least not most of it), I don't love him like he claims to love me. From my perspective, our entire relationship was based on sexual chemistry, something I sort of realized but didn't fully acknowledge at the time, even though I was well aware that my favorite thing about him was not the sparkling conversation or the respect he showed me (ha!). The minute the sexual chemistry died, though--and what exactly killed it is still sort of a mystery, but it did die for me, utterly and completely, a little more than a year ago--everything else died, too. Unlike my feelings for Mike, I have no pressing, incessant desire to keep this guy in my life. I value his friendship and am happy to see him when I see him, but it's not a friendship that I feel the need to continue to put a lot of effort into. Talking once or twice a year would be perfectly adequate, as far as I'm concerned. And I certainly don't rehash and analyze our relationship. In my mind, it breaks down like this: I was at a point where I felt like experimenting with a casual relationship, we had a lot of sex and it was good, I tried to convince myself that maybe we could have something more than just sex but knew all along that really I was just in it for the sex, I eventually got tired of just sex and no commitment, I know he's not the sort of guy I want to be committed to, end of relationship. It's so simple. Yet it seems like in his mind it's something different. He has seemingly put me on a pedestal now that it's over, and the fact that he thinks of me like that or even feels the need to pretend to think of me like that when I rarely think of him at all makes me feel a little guilty.
And last night he told me he wants to come down here and visit me again, which...why? I just don't get it what's going through his head, I really don't.
Speaking of guys, Mike is talking to me again. My plan worked. I'm happy about that. Who knows how long the peace will last this time, but I like it better when we're trying to be friends, so that's good. And I'm proud of myself for being so rational and having it actually work in my favor.
Finally, on an entirely unrelated note, I seem to have somehow accidentally ended up on an e-mail list for the Delta Gamma sorority chapter here on campus. I have no idea how this happened, but I have yet to bother to get anyone to correct the error because I am horribly amused by the e-mail I have been getting. It seems to mostly be e-mails from an upperclassman to a group of new members. She types everything with exclamation marks. She also uses a pink font. Every e-mail ends with the phrase "Go out and Do Good!", and so I assume Do Good is a play on DG/Delta Gamma. This week's e-mail was particularly hilarious because first she referred to the "date party" over the weekend (oh man) and then she told everyone that they have to bring a flower representing themselves to this week's meeting (I really hope someone has a sense of humor and shows up with a dead flower or a weed) and then she talked about some "Daddy and Daughter" dinner which, I'm sorry, is that not incredibly creepy? "Father/Daughter" is acceptable, but "Daddy and Daughter" somehow just gets a little too Freudian and weird for my taste. And a little too "I'm sixteen years old and I'm whining because I got the BMW instead of the Jag I really wanted at my outrageously overpriced birthday party which will be featured on MTV". The best part was the part where everyone was reminded to "Dress in a Valentine's theme for the meeting: red, pink, or white shirt, jeans, and cute shoes!"
Why, why, why would any sensible woman in this day and age want to belong to a group that demands she wear "cute shoes!"? I understand--okay, I don't understand--but I could probably be convinced to see some of the positives of sorority life. Like, um...sisterhood (mostly patently false, but I bet you do meet at least a few true friends, as you do in any group of people). And I like traditions so doing something hundreds of other women have done before you, okay, that's cool. And the networking opportunities, okay, fine, I'll buy that, too. But I'm not going to include charitable contributions as a positive because only about 2 girls in any given sorority really want to do the charity work and would do it regardless of their sorority affiliation.
So yeah, I grudgingly admit there are some positives to sororities. But the simple fact is that all of those things--the friendship, the traditions, the networking--can be found in other venues. There are service fraternities, there are religious groups if that's your thing. There are a ton of groups you can join if you're that sort of join-y person that don't involve mandates on the kind of clothes you can wear and don't have philosophies that belong in the 1950s (only a twisted, corrupted 1950s where girls don't even pretend to be classy anymore and instead slut around in their halter tops and cute shoes...I'll bet you half of them got wasted before going to said "date party").
I know I technically am in no position to judge, if only because I haven't experienced it first-hand and how can you judge something if you've never tried it yourself? But I've seen it secondhand, and that's more than enough to leave me wondering why any sensible girl with a reasonable amount of self-esteem would subject herself to that sort of environment.
*Also, I'm fully aware that I make most of these judgments based on the view of sorority life I got living on campus at TCU and living with Katy [who dropped out of her sorority eventually, incidentally] I've been told by people at other schools that their sororities "aren't like that" and that TCU is an extreme case...but from what I've seen they're exactly the same here and at UT as they were there, so I think it's safe to assume that Texas at least is kind of screwy about this sorority stuff.
**Also, please don't take this as an assumption that I dislike sorority girls. Individually, I like almost all of the sorority girls I got to know personally in college. I love Katy, and she started out as the ultimate sorority girl. It's the philosophy of sororities that I'm railing against, not the people that subscribe to that philosophy.
In other news, I think my College Ex must be between girls right now because he called me last night and spent forty minutes talking about how incredible and unique I am and how jealous he is of my accomplishments (huh?) and how much I inspire him and how much he loves me (eh). And while you may think that sounds lovely, it's not really. It's flattering, yes. Of course it's flattering. But it's flattering for about three minutes and then I'd like to have an actual conversation about what's going on in my life and what's going on in his life, but no, instead I just have to listen to the endless, rambling litany of praise. It gets old quickly. And although you'd never believe it by reading how much I brag about myself here, listening to someone babble on and on about me just makes me feel incredibly awkward. By the end of the conversation I was keeping a mental tally: Times he's talked about being jealous that I presented at an academic conference-3, times he has mentioned how great it was the last time he came to visit me here-9, times he has talked about how much he loves my family-4, times he has said some variation on, "You're going to get whatever you want from life"-712 million. I tried to change the subject a dozen times, but each time I got about three sentences from him and then he was right back to talking about how wonderful I am. And you might think I'm exaggerating when I say this went on for forty minutes, but no, I'm not. And it was three in the morning. I don't know why I answered the phone, honestly, since I'm sure he was drunk or high or something. I'd forgotten how exhausting it can be to try to have an actual two-sided conversation with him. I can't figure out what's going through his mind when he calls me like that. I guess I mostly get annoyed with it because I don't feel like he's really being sincere, but since I no longer let him sleep with me in any way, shape, or form and he's well aware of that, what's the point of all the flattery if it's not sincere? It also bothers me because it's not at all mutual. As much as we had a good time together in college (we did) and as much as I care about him as a friend (I do) and as much as I don't regret all the time we spent together (I don't-at least not most of it), I don't love him like he claims to love me. From my perspective, our entire relationship was based on sexual chemistry, something I sort of realized but didn't fully acknowledge at the time, even though I was well aware that my favorite thing about him was not the sparkling conversation or the respect he showed me (ha!). The minute the sexual chemistry died, though--and what exactly killed it is still sort of a mystery, but it did die for me, utterly and completely, a little more than a year ago--everything else died, too. Unlike my feelings for Mike, I have no pressing, incessant desire to keep this guy in my life. I value his friendship and am happy to see him when I see him, but it's not a friendship that I feel the need to continue to put a lot of effort into. Talking once or twice a year would be perfectly adequate, as far as I'm concerned. And I certainly don't rehash and analyze our relationship. In my mind, it breaks down like this: I was at a point where I felt like experimenting with a casual relationship, we had a lot of sex and it was good, I tried to convince myself that maybe we could have something more than just sex but knew all along that really I was just in it for the sex, I eventually got tired of just sex and no commitment, I know he's not the sort of guy I want to be committed to, end of relationship. It's so simple. Yet it seems like in his mind it's something different. He has seemingly put me on a pedestal now that it's over, and the fact that he thinks of me like that or even feels the need to pretend to think of me like that when I rarely think of him at all makes me feel a little guilty.
And last night he told me he wants to come down here and visit me again, which...why? I just don't get it what's going through his head, I really don't.
Speaking of guys, Mike is talking to me again. My plan worked. I'm happy about that. Who knows how long the peace will last this time, but I like it better when we're trying to be friends, so that's good. And I'm proud of myself for being so rational and having it actually work in my favor.
Finally, on an entirely unrelated note, I seem to have somehow accidentally ended up on an e-mail list for the Delta Gamma sorority chapter here on campus. I have no idea how this happened, but I have yet to bother to get anyone to correct the error because I am horribly amused by the e-mail I have been getting. It seems to mostly be e-mails from an upperclassman to a group of new members. She types everything with exclamation marks. She also uses a pink font. Every e-mail ends with the phrase "Go out and Do Good!", and so I assume Do Good is a play on DG/Delta Gamma. This week's e-mail was particularly hilarious because first she referred to the "date party" over the weekend (oh man) and then she told everyone that they have to bring a flower representing themselves to this week's meeting (I really hope someone has a sense of humor and shows up with a dead flower or a weed) and then she talked about some "Daddy and Daughter" dinner which, I'm sorry, is that not incredibly creepy? "Father/Daughter" is acceptable, but "Daddy and Daughter" somehow just gets a little too Freudian and weird for my taste. And a little too "I'm sixteen years old and I'm whining because I got the BMW instead of the Jag I really wanted at my outrageously overpriced birthday party which will be featured on MTV". The best part was the part where everyone was reminded to "Dress in a Valentine's theme for the meeting: red, pink, or white shirt, jeans, and cute shoes!"
Why, why, why would any sensible woman in this day and age want to belong to a group that demands she wear "cute shoes!"? I understand--okay, I don't understand--but I could probably be convinced to see some of the positives of sorority life. Like, um...sisterhood (mostly patently false, but I bet you do meet at least a few true friends, as you do in any group of people). And I like traditions so doing something hundreds of other women have done before you, okay, that's cool. And the networking opportunities, okay, fine, I'll buy that, too. But I'm not going to include charitable contributions as a positive because only about 2 girls in any given sorority really want to do the charity work and would do it regardless of their sorority affiliation.
So yeah, I grudgingly admit there are some positives to sororities. But the simple fact is that all of those things--the friendship, the traditions, the networking--can be found in other venues. There are service fraternities, there are religious groups if that's your thing. There are a ton of groups you can join if you're that sort of join-y person that don't involve mandates on the kind of clothes you can wear and don't have philosophies that belong in the 1950s (only a twisted, corrupted 1950s where girls don't even pretend to be classy anymore and instead slut around in their halter tops and cute shoes...I'll bet you half of them got wasted before going to said "date party").
I know I technically am in no position to judge, if only because I haven't experienced it first-hand and how can you judge something if you've never tried it yourself? But I've seen it secondhand, and that's more than enough to leave me wondering why any sensible girl with a reasonable amount of self-esteem would subject herself to that sort of environment.
*Also, I'm fully aware that I make most of these judgments based on the view of sorority life I got living on campus at TCU and living with Katy [who dropped out of her sorority eventually, incidentally] I've been told by people at other schools that their sororities "aren't like that" and that TCU is an extreme case...but from what I've seen they're exactly the same here and at UT as they were there, so I think it's safe to assume that Texas at least is kind of screwy about this sorority stuff.
**Also, please don't take this as an assumption that I dislike sorority girls. Individually, I like almost all of the sorority girls I got to know personally in college. I love Katy, and she started out as the ultimate sorority girl. It's the philosophy of sororities that I'm railing against, not the people that subscribe to that philosophy.
Saturday, February 10, 2007
There is No Narrative Flow to This Entry
Just an update to let you know that I was absolutely right about my idiot manager at work. Remember how he only scheduled me four times during the two weeks I was here over winter break not doing anything at all whatsoever, with tons of time to kill, time in which I would have liked making money? Remember how I said something about how knowing his idiocy he'd start scheduling me for five shifts a week once school started and I was really busy? Yeah. That is EXACTLY what happened. The past two weeks I had five shifts each week. This week I had four. I realize they're short staffed right now, but I'm really starting to get pissed off. I'm actually managing my time alright right now, and I have to admit that the money I'm making is making me very happy. He has also been scheduling me for all day shifts, which is a good thing. Still, I'm annoyed that I was right about him.
I still kick around the idea of quitting, but I am finally at a point where I like my coworkers and kind of look forward to seeing them at work (some of them, anyway). And did I mention I like the money? It's nothing but extra money in my pocket, money that doesn't have to go towards bills or food, money that I can fritter away on alcohol and dinner out and concert and airplane tickets and all that fun stuff, although I try to be smart and save at least part of it. Plus I doubt I'd use the hours I'm currently working productively anyway if I wasn't working. I'd probably just sleep and read more blogs, to be honest. So I won't actually quit, at least not right now. But I might threaten to quit if I don't start getting a more reasonable 2-3 shifts a week schedule. I think I am a good enough employee that if I threatened to quit at this point they'd do what they need to do to keep me. It's hard to find people who actually prefer to work day shifts in the restaurant business.
Speaking of my tip money, I used some of it to go out in Austin last night and had one of the best nights I've had in a while. Debbie's boyfriend is in town, and since none of us have ever met him before she decided we all needed to go out together, so EVERYONE went to Austin for dinner. It was a really mixed group: a bunch of my usual gang of grad student buddies-Debbie (of course), Richie, Amanda, and John-and then Amanda's roommate Claire, Claire's boyfriend Jacob, Jeff (an actor in the play Richie and I are working on), and then three people I'd never met before-Chris (Debbie's boyfriend) and two of Debbie's friends from her hometown, Laura and Jake. There were enough of us that they gave us a private room at the Indian restaurant we went to for dinner, which we were thankful for because theatre people are loud. I don't think it can be helped, we just are. And it doesn't seem to matter whether or not you're an actor, because actually most of my friends here are either historians or directors, and we're still always the loudest table in any given bar/restaurant. We acknowledge this, and we try to keep it down, and we don't do ridiculous things on purpose for attention (which, stereotypical but true, is a young actor thing to do) but we're just loud. So having a private room was nice. After dinner we went to the pub across the street and I had a cider beer and just enjoyed the company. It was one of those nights where I looked around a warmly-lit room at a bunch of laughing people and thought, "I adore being with these people, and if this is as good as my life is ever going to get, then I have done pretty darn well for myself."
Which is a good feeling, considering I somehow managed to lose a friend this week. Everything had been going well between me and Mike since the new year began. I made a resolution that this is the year I stop caring about him in any sort of romantic way, and it seemed to be working. I wrote here after Rachel's wedding that I suddenly knew I really was done with him romantically, and that honestly seems to be true. It's liberating, I feel good, and I was happy with our friendship. And then suddenly as of last Monday, we're no longer speaking. And it's the damndest thing, because I don't even remember what exactly we were talking about when he said, "Fuck you, leave me alone." We were having a kind of serious conversation about some of our typical hot button issues, the things that we've argued about on and off for the past five years (things on this list include: me moving to Fort Worth for college and supposedly choosing my career over our relationship, me leaving him for my college ex, me maintaining that he was the one to suggest an open relationship in the first place all those years ago [which is TRUE!], him leaving me for Jenny last year, him choosing sex with random girls over our relationship, him holding onto unnecessary jealousy and anger and blaming me for things he won't let me fix, me worrying that he doesn't know what he really wants, me claiming that I can't trust anyone who says they love me now that he said he saw himself marrying me but then changed his mind, him claiming I screwed him up for life as far as relationships go and all his meaningless sex is my fault [perhaps that Numerology report wasn't so off the mark after all?] etc., etc.). But I didn't think we were talking about anything that major, and we certainly weren't talking about anything we haven't already talked about before. I didn't say a single thing about him or me that he didn't already know, and yet now after that conversation he's no longer speaking to me. I spent a few days text messaging him a lot and calling him a few times a day only to have him reject my call every time, and finally yesterday I was like, "Why am I doing this?" He had a severe overreaction to the whole conversation, which leads me to believe that there is something bad going on his life right now that has absolutely nothing to do with me. So I'm not going to blame myself, and I'm not going to keep pushing him to tell me why he wants to stop speaking to me. When you really think about it, who cares why? No matter what he tells me I'm sure I won't think it's a good, valid reason. So what's the point in knowing? The fact of the matter is, for reasons only he knows, he needs to not be speaking to me right now.
So in a very major step for me, I've decided not to try to force a reconciliation. I'm still going to text him when I feel like it and IM him once in a while, and maybe someday he'll feel like answering again. Because as much as he can be a brat sometimes (that's what this really is more than anything, just pure brattiness on his part), I don't like burning bridges and now that I've come to terms with my complicated emotions about him, I'd like to have him in my life in some aspect. And I find it hard to believe that he'll ignore my friendly, innocuous comments forever. At some point he'll start feeling okay again and start responding to me again, I hope. His anger and depression has nothing to do with me, despite what he thinks. If it did, he'd be willing to just be with me, which would I imagine fix all his problems, were the problems in fact my fault. But they're not my fault, and I can't fix them, and I'm not going to try. I'm just going to be waiting around and reaching out so he knows I'm there, and when he feels like being friends again we will be. And if he never feels like being friends again, at least I am content in the knowledge that this break was not my fault and that I tried my best to maintain the friendship.
Well, that certainly got long-winded! Enough of this, I have stuff to do. I have a workout to do, an episode of Grey's to watch, and I'm supposed to be meeting Richie, Debbie, and Chris for drinks later tonight. I also have ten thesis pages to write, but that's what tomorrow is for. Apparently I will be procrastinating on my pages every single week! What wonderful study habits I have!
I still kick around the idea of quitting, but I am finally at a point where I like my coworkers and kind of look forward to seeing them at work (some of them, anyway). And did I mention I like the money? It's nothing but extra money in my pocket, money that doesn't have to go towards bills or food, money that I can fritter away on alcohol and dinner out and concert and airplane tickets and all that fun stuff, although I try to be smart and save at least part of it. Plus I doubt I'd use the hours I'm currently working productively anyway if I wasn't working. I'd probably just sleep and read more blogs, to be honest. So I won't actually quit, at least not right now. But I might threaten to quit if I don't start getting a more reasonable 2-3 shifts a week schedule. I think I am a good enough employee that if I threatened to quit at this point they'd do what they need to do to keep me. It's hard to find people who actually prefer to work day shifts in the restaurant business.
Speaking of my tip money, I used some of it to go out in Austin last night and had one of the best nights I've had in a while. Debbie's boyfriend is in town, and since none of us have ever met him before she decided we all needed to go out together, so EVERYONE went to Austin for dinner. It was a really mixed group: a bunch of my usual gang of grad student buddies-Debbie (of course), Richie, Amanda, and John-and then Amanda's roommate Claire, Claire's boyfriend Jacob, Jeff (an actor in the play Richie and I are working on), and then three people I'd never met before-Chris (Debbie's boyfriend) and two of Debbie's friends from her hometown, Laura and Jake. There were enough of us that they gave us a private room at the Indian restaurant we went to for dinner, which we were thankful for because theatre people are loud. I don't think it can be helped, we just are. And it doesn't seem to matter whether or not you're an actor, because actually most of my friends here are either historians or directors, and we're still always the loudest table in any given bar/restaurant. We acknowledge this, and we try to keep it down, and we don't do ridiculous things on purpose for attention (which, stereotypical but true, is a young actor thing to do) but we're just loud. So having a private room was nice. After dinner we went to the pub across the street and I had a cider beer and just enjoyed the company. It was one of those nights where I looked around a warmly-lit room at a bunch of laughing people and thought, "I adore being with these people, and if this is as good as my life is ever going to get, then I have done pretty darn well for myself."
Which is a good feeling, considering I somehow managed to lose a friend this week. Everything had been going well between me and Mike since the new year began. I made a resolution that this is the year I stop caring about him in any sort of romantic way, and it seemed to be working. I wrote here after Rachel's wedding that I suddenly knew I really was done with him romantically, and that honestly seems to be true. It's liberating, I feel good, and I was happy with our friendship. And then suddenly as of last Monday, we're no longer speaking. And it's the damndest thing, because I don't even remember what exactly we were talking about when he said, "Fuck you, leave me alone." We were having a kind of serious conversation about some of our typical hot button issues, the things that we've argued about on and off for the past five years (things on this list include: me moving to Fort Worth for college and supposedly choosing my career over our relationship, me leaving him for my college ex, me maintaining that he was the one to suggest an open relationship in the first place all those years ago [which is TRUE!], him leaving me for Jenny last year, him choosing sex with random girls over our relationship, him holding onto unnecessary jealousy and anger and blaming me for things he won't let me fix, me worrying that he doesn't know what he really wants, me claiming that I can't trust anyone who says they love me now that he said he saw himself marrying me but then changed his mind, him claiming I screwed him up for life as far as relationships go and all his meaningless sex is my fault [perhaps that Numerology report wasn't so off the mark after all?] etc., etc.). But I didn't think we were talking about anything that major, and we certainly weren't talking about anything we haven't already talked about before. I didn't say a single thing about him or me that he didn't already know, and yet now after that conversation he's no longer speaking to me. I spent a few days text messaging him a lot and calling him a few times a day only to have him reject my call every time, and finally yesterday I was like, "Why am I doing this?" He had a severe overreaction to the whole conversation, which leads me to believe that there is something bad going on his life right now that has absolutely nothing to do with me. So I'm not going to blame myself, and I'm not going to keep pushing him to tell me why he wants to stop speaking to me. When you really think about it, who cares why? No matter what he tells me I'm sure I won't think it's a good, valid reason. So what's the point in knowing? The fact of the matter is, for reasons only he knows, he needs to not be speaking to me right now.
So in a very major step for me, I've decided not to try to force a reconciliation. I'm still going to text him when I feel like it and IM him once in a while, and maybe someday he'll feel like answering again. Because as much as he can be a brat sometimes (that's what this really is more than anything, just pure brattiness on his part), I don't like burning bridges and now that I've come to terms with my complicated emotions about him, I'd like to have him in my life in some aspect. And I find it hard to believe that he'll ignore my friendly, innocuous comments forever. At some point he'll start feeling okay again and start responding to me again, I hope. His anger and depression has nothing to do with me, despite what he thinks. If it did, he'd be willing to just be with me, which would I imagine fix all his problems, were the problems in fact my fault. But they're not my fault, and I can't fix them, and I'm not going to try. I'm just going to be waiting around and reaching out so he knows I'm there, and when he feels like being friends again we will be. And if he never feels like being friends again, at least I am content in the knowledge that this break was not my fault and that I tried my best to maintain the friendship.
Well, that certainly got long-winded! Enough of this, I have stuff to do. I have a workout to do, an episode of Grey's to watch, and I'm supposed to be meeting Richie, Debbie, and Chris for drinks later tonight. I also have ten thesis pages to write, but that's what tomorrow is for. Apparently I will be procrastinating on my pages every single week! What wonderful study habits I have!
Wednesday, February 07, 2007
Running on Empty
I only got four hours of sleep last night, but I can't complain because it's my own fault. I put off writing my thesis pages for most of the week. There were just always so many other things to do! On Wednesday and Thursday I was busy working on a play report and at the restaurant during the afternoons and in rehearsal at night. On Friday I had to get my sister to help me film the dogs for that same play report, and then there was a lot of Guitar Hero to play. I don't remember what I did on Saturday, but I'm sure it was important. And then Sunday was the Super Bowl, which Debbie, Amanda, Claire, John, Richie and I used as an excuse to lounge around Debbie's living room drinking Shiner, eating my no-bake cookies and Debbie's queso, and talking our heads off. I think we watched a grand total of ten minutes of the game itself. We did watch and critique all the commercials, however, and argued about Prince's sex appeal and marveled at his androgyny, so, ya know, good enough.
So then yesterday rolled around and I'd only written two pages so far, which is why I ended up typing on the couch from 1o:30 when I got home from rehearsal until 4:30 AM, when I finally finished my goal for the week and went to bed. It would be a lie to say I was working on my thesis that whole time. I spent a good hour IMing and at least another hour reading articles on Salon and another half hour having a snack break.
But you know what? I have ten whole pages of my thesis completed now! And I gave them to my advisor today and the only changes I need to make are very minor and involve punctuation and particular word choices, and that's it! HaHA! I'm going to try to keep up a pace of at least 10-15 pages a week so I don't get stuck having to do something insane like write thirty pages in my last week.
I did take a break tonight, though. I had Class&Ren tonight and showed the video Chelsea and I made, which was surprisingly a hit with my classmates. See, we have to do these play reports with a performative element of some sort and this round my play report was on Aristophanes' The Wasps, which I actually really loved (I literally laughed out loud while reading the play). The play just happens to have a scene where a dog is put on trial for stealing a wheel of cheese, and so I couldn't resist using Cohen and Morty in my performance project and had Chelsea help me film a video in which Cohen was the plaintiff and Morty was the defendent and Chelsea and I did our best not to look like complete idiots but didn't succeed. Like I said, it surprised me by being such a success with everyone, but I can't take any credit for that. I think people mostly just liked seeing Morty in his new camo vest and Cohen in his striped sweater. Big dogs in clothes are pretty much always hilarious (little dogs in clothes, however, are just...little dogs in clothes).
After class a bunch of us went out for dinner and drinks but ended up being stuck with our least favorite guy in our cohort. You know how most every group has that strange outcast guy that nobody really likes and everybody thinks is odd but you don't have a specific, valid reason to dislike him other than he's just weird and so you can't blatantly say, "Sorry, you're not invited" like you would to an actual enemy? Well, that's this guy. I think John I. described him best with the simple phrase, "Tommy...what the fuck?!" and a baffled shake of the head. He's much older than the rest of us-probably in his sixties, which is old even by grad school standards-and he's just WEIRD. I can't give you the best examples of his strangeness, because it wouldn't be easy to explain them without a whole lot of background information, but...well, tonight, for instance, he referred to our main graduate advisor and the head of our program and our primary professor as "Dr. What's-Her-Name". Dr. What's-Her-Name?! He has been a student here now since August, and this is a woman that he sees and deals with on at least a weekly basis, if not more often than that. She's effectively his boss. And he doesn't know her name?! Amanda and I also realized over the course of dinner that he doesn't know our names, either, or the names of any of the girls in our group (which, come to think of it, probably says a lot about him since he does seem to know almost all of the guys' names). And maybe you don't think that's weird, but I sure do. I think it's weird because there are only about 15 graduate students in this department. and even if you're a looney outsider who likes to make strange outbursts about sex and the Japanese flag and other things not at all related to the class discussion, you can't learn the names of a mere 15 people that are presumably going to be your colleagues in some way for the rest of your career? Honestly?
Maybe something is really wrong with him. Maybe we shouldn't make fun of him and stand around awkwardly until he leaves the room and we can make weekend plans without him. Maybe I'll have a round of bad karma for cringing every time he opens his mouth to speak. But as another one of the grad students pointed out, "It's not very Christian of me to say this, I know, but I really don't want to go out with you all if he's going to be there. I'm going to have to take a raincheck." She probably had the right idea. Poor guy. But really.
So then yesterday rolled around and I'd only written two pages so far, which is why I ended up typing on the couch from 1o:30 when I got home from rehearsal until 4:30 AM, when I finally finished my goal for the week and went to bed. It would be a lie to say I was working on my thesis that whole time. I spent a good hour IMing and at least another hour reading articles on Salon and another half hour having a snack break.
But you know what? I have ten whole pages of my thesis completed now! And I gave them to my advisor today and the only changes I need to make are very minor and involve punctuation and particular word choices, and that's it! HaHA! I'm going to try to keep up a pace of at least 10-15 pages a week so I don't get stuck having to do something insane like write thirty pages in my last week.
I did take a break tonight, though. I had Class&Ren tonight and showed the video Chelsea and I made, which was surprisingly a hit with my classmates. See, we have to do these play reports with a performative element of some sort and this round my play report was on Aristophanes' The Wasps, which I actually really loved (I literally laughed out loud while reading the play). The play just happens to have a scene where a dog is put on trial for stealing a wheel of cheese, and so I couldn't resist using Cohen and Morty in my performance project and had Chelsea help me film a video in which Cohen was the plaintiff and Morty was the defendent and Chelsea and I did our best not to look like complete idiots but didn't succeed. Like I said, it surprised me by being such a success with everyone, but I can't take any credit for that. I think people mostly just liked seeing Morty in his new camo vest and Cohen in his striped sweater. Big dogs in clothes are pretty much always hilarious (little dogs in clothes, however, are just...little dogs in clothes).
After class a bunch of us went out for dinner and drinks but ended up being stuck with our least favorite guy in our cohort. You know how most every group has that strange outcast guy that nobody really likes and everybody thinks is odd but you don't have a specific, valid reason to dislike him other than he's just weird and so you can't blatantly say, "Sorry, you're not invited" like you would to an actual enemy? Well, that's this guy. I think John I. described him best with the simple phrase, "Tommy...what the fuck?!" and a baffled shake of the head. He's much older than the rest of us-probably in his sixties, which is old even by grad school standards-and he's just WEIRD. I can't give you the best examples of his strangeness, because it wouldn't be easy to explain them without a whole lot of background information, but...well, tonight, for instance, he referred to our main graduate advisor and the head of our program and our primary professor as "Dr. What's-Her-Name". Dr. What's-Her-Name?! He has been a student here now since August, and this is a woman that he sees and deals with on at least a weekly basis, if not more often than that. She's effectively his boss. And he doesn't know her name?! Amanda and I also realized over the course of dinner that he doesn't know our names, either, or the names of any of the girls in our group (which, come to think of it, probably says a lot about him since he does seem to know almost all of the guys' names). And maybe you don't think that's weird, but I sure do. I think it's weird because there are only about 15 graduate students in this department. and even if you're a looney outsider who likes to make strange outbursts about sex and the Japanese flag and other things not at all related to the class discussion, you can't learn the names of a mere 15 people that are presumably going to be your colleagues in some way for the rest of your career? Honestly?
Maybe something is really wrong with him. Maybe we shouldn't make fun of him and stand around awkwardly until he leaves the room and we can make weekend plans without him. Maybe I'll have a round of bad karma for cringing every time he opens his mouth to speak. But as another one of the grad students pointed out, "It's not very Christian of me to say this, I know, but I really don't want to go out with you all if he's going to be there. I'm going to have to take a raincheck." She probably had the right idea. Poor guy. But really.
Saturday, February 03, 2007
Suitcase
I don't know exactly what to make of dreams. I don't believe the theory that they are simply the result of a random firing of neurons in the brain. If that were the case, why would people have recurring dreams? What are the odds of the same exact pattern of neurons randomly firing twice in a lifetime, much less dozens of times?
At the same time, I don't necessarily believe that we need to find some deep meaning in all of our dreams. I mean, what is my lactose-intolerant friend Brandon supposed to make of the dream he has every time he consumes dairy products that involves Matthew McConaughey as a drunk, belligerent neighbor who trashes Brandon's apartment, breaks his plasma TV, and then attempts to replace everything with Legos? Surely there is absolutely no deep meaning he's supposed to take from that dream and it's just the milk allergy talking.
But sometimes I can't help wondering what is going on in my subconscience. I'm fascinated by dreams and sometimes go through phases where I try to record everything I can remember about mine. I don't know why I do this, except that I have a vague idea that it will help me to be a more creative, inspired person. Uh, yeah. Anyway, I recently started keeping a dream journal again and this morning I discovered that every single dream I've remembered so far in 2007 has had something to do with packing and hotel rooms. Every single one. What am I supposed to make of that, a dozen dreams about suitcases and transiency?
I normally love hotels, but these are not relaxing dreams, they've mostly been unsettling and vaguely frightening at best (I opened the door to my hotel room and found a white tiger lurking inside, for example) and frantic at worst (throwing cans of tuna fish into a suitcase as everyone in my family yells at me to hurry up or we'll miss our plane).
It seems too early for my brain to already be freaking out about the idea of moving in May, although I guess I wouldn't put that past me considering how much I despise moving. And I don't know what else these dreams could be trying to tell me, other than I'm nervous about not knowing where I'll be in the fall and I'm scared that I'm not at all prepared for whatever comes next. But I already know that.
I suppose I should just be grateful that I'm no longer having constant dreams about being pregnant and in painful labor, which was my recurring dream through most of my junior and senior years of college. That dream SUCKED.
In the interest of full disclosure, I should let you know I got my first Ph.D. rejection letter today. It doesn't seem to be bothering me at this point, probably because I knew from the start that I was reaching out of my league in applying to this school in the first place so I'm not surprised. I'm not disheartened yet, I still have five chances. Five chances where each school is only accepting 2-3 people, but still, five chances. And I still feel positive that I will get into a Ph.D. program eventually, it might just take a few years. I keep trying to tell myself that whatever happens now is the "right" thing for me, it's just scary right now, not knowing what to do.
At the very least I'll have my MA by the end of this year. Actually working on my thesis tonight would help with that particular goal.
At the same time, I don't necessarily believe that we need to find some deep meaning in all of our dreams. I mean, what is my lactose-intolerant friend Brandon supposed to make of the dream he has every time he consumes dairy products that involves Matthew McConaughey as a drunk, belligerent neighbor who trashes Brandon's apartment, breaks his plasma TV, and then attempts to replace everything with Legos? Surely there is absolutely no deep meaning he's supposed to take from that dream and it's just the milk allergy talking.
But sometimes I can't help wondering what is going on in my subconscience. I'm fascinated by dreams and sometimes go through phases where I try to record everything I can remember about mine. I don't know why I do this, except that I have a vague idea that it will help me to be a more creative, inspired person. Uh, yeah. Anyway, I recently started keeping a dream journal again and this morning I discovered that every single dream I've remembered so far in 2007 has had something to do with packing and hotel rooms. Every single one. What am I supposed to make of that, a dozen dreams about suitcases and transiency?
I normally love hotels, but these are not relaxing dreams, they've mostly been unsettling and vaguely frightening at best (I opened the door to my hotel room and found a white tiger lurking inside, for example) and frantic at worst (throwing cans of tuna fish into a suitcase as everyone in my family yells at me to hurry up or we'll miss our plane).
It seems too early for my brain to already be freaking out about the idea of moving in May, although I guess I wouldn't put that past me considering how much I despise moving. And I don't know what else these dreams could be trying to tell me, other than I'm nervous about not knowing where I'll be in the fall and I'm scared that I'm not at all prepared for whatever comes next. But I already know that.
I suppose I should just be grateful that I'm no longer having constant dreams about being pregnant and in painful labor, which was my recurring dream through most of my junior and senior years of college. That dream SUCKED.
In the interest of full disclosure, I should let you know I got my first Ph.D. rejection letter today. It doesn't seem to be bothering me at this point, probably because I knew from the start that I was reaching out of my league in applying to this school in the first place so I'm not surprised. I'm not disheartened yet, I still have five chances. Five chances where each school is only accepting 2-3 people, but still, five chances. And I still feel positive that I will get into a Ph.D. program eventually, it might just take a few years. I keep trying to tell myself that whatever happens now is the "right" thing for me, it's just scary right now, not knowing what to do.
At the very least I'll have my MA by the end of this year. Actually working on my thesis tonight would help with that particular goal.
Tuesday, January 30, 2007
Tasty Doesn't Have an E in It
So I met with Dr. C. yesterday about my thesis outline, and we went over all the sections and she helped me come up with some page guidelines, and it's looking like it's going to end up being about 70 pages of narrative. Believe it or not, this is a HUGE relief to me, because I was envisioning something more in the 150 page range. Now that I know I only have to do half that, I feel so much better. I'll still need to manage an average of ten pages a week, but that seems...possible. At various times in my academic career I've managed ten pages in a night, so I should certainly be able to do ten pages in a week.
The downside is that she told me she wants it BEFORE spring break, which is two weeks earlier than the official deadline for turning a thesis in to your committee. I told her I'd try, but frankly, I'm not going to kill myself trying to do it. Obviously I would love to have my thesis basically finished and behind me before I head off to New York, and I'd like to have over a month to just focus on studying for my comprehensive exams and editing when I get back. However, my committee mainly just wants my thesis early because it's convenient for them not to have to read five or six long documents at once (there are only seven graduate faculty members so all of our committees overlap quite a bit) and in the end what's more important, their convenience or my mental health?
So yeah, that's the thesis news. I'm sure you'd like to hear about something else going on in my life, but to be perfectly honest, there's really not much going on at this exact moment.
I realize I never told you about my trip to Houston. I love to do that, actually do something fun and somewhat notable and then not tell you about it but instead bore you to death with yet another entry about schoolwork. But...there's really not a lot to say about Houston either. It was great to see Jenny and Matthew and I had fun with both of them, I didn't drink nearly as much as I normally do when I'm with Jenny (which is a good thing, I suppose), Matthew and I got manicures, I met a guy in an "open marriage" (whatever), we had a hell of a time just trying to go bowling one night and finally got to do "X-treme Bowling" at a cheap discounted price (final verdict: not very X-treme), and I got lost a lot. Every time I drive in Houston I feel like all I do is make u-turns. I ended up in River Oaks three different times during the two days I was in Houston, and all three times I wasn't actually supposed to be there ("I'm on Kirby AGAIN?! How does this keep happening?!"). All in all it was a pretty good time.
Um, what else? I had a good weekend this weekend. I spent a lot of time with my siblings and my sister's boyfriend, they came down on Saturday and we had lunch and drinks and then played football at the park. Well, they played football, I tried in vain to get Cohen interested in playing fetch (basset says "no dice"). Then on Sunday I went up to Austin and Shane and I ate dinner at the restaurant where Chelsea works. I had a lot of amusing conversations with my brother. I think the highlights were when he informed me that he hopes his future girlfriend never plays golf because he needs the golf course to be the place where he escapes from her, and that he actually schedules classes and workouts and life in general around the series of TV programs he watches from 4:00 until 6:00 every weekday afternoon. Oh, and at one point he actually said, "Is she hot and stupid? 'Cause if she is, I'll date her." My brother is such a boy.
On Friday night I went to an undergrad party, which I kind of promised myself that I wouldn't do for a while after the fiasco at the last undergrad party I went to, but a bunch of us grads were out at a bar on Friday night and we ran into one of the undergrads who asked if we were going to the party. And we all just kind of looked at each other and shrugged and she said, "Well, I know you all don't usually hang out with undergrads, but if you feel like slumming tonight you should stop by." And she was totally joking, but how could we not at least make an appearance after that? So we went "slumming", and it was fun enough but completely predictable, especially the part where the cops showed up at 2 in the morning. I did end up giving my phone number to a cute enough, friendly guy who asked for it and told him he could call me Saturday and maybe I'd go out for a drink with him. But then he didn't end up calling, he just sent me a text message at 9:00 Saturday night saying, "So what are you doing?" and is it wrong that I ignored his message? I mean, I didn't have his phone number, so technically it was an anonymous text message (obviously it was from him, but still), and besides, I think that's kind of a pussy thing to do, texting a girl when you've never called her before and not even bothering to say who the text is from. That is kind of a weak thing to do, right? A cool guy would have called me, and would have done it before 9:00, right? (Forget the fact that if the shoe were on the other foot I probably would have sent a text message, too. After all, I can't possibly date someone as phobic of the telephone as I am, that would never work! Somebody has to have the balls in the relationship, and I have no desire for that person to be me.)
Yeah, yeah, I know. I'm just looking for excuses to reject guys. I'm being way too picky. I know. But I think I'm finally starting to really enjoy this whole hiatus thing, and why shouldn't I be picky?
The downside is that she told me she wants it BEFORE spring break, which is two weeks earlier than the official deadline for turning a thesis in to your committee. I told her I'd try, but frankly, I'm not going to kill myself trying to do it. Obviously I would love to have my thesis basically finished and behind me before I head off to New York, and I'd like to have over a month to just focus on studying for my comprehensive exams and editing when I get back. However, my committee mainly just wants my thesis early because it's convenient for them not to have to read five or six long documents at once (there are only seven graduate faculty members so all of our committees overlap quite a bit) and in the end what's more important, their convenience or my mental health?
So yeah, that's the thesis news. I'm sure you'd like to hear about something else going on in my life, but to be perfectly honest, there's really not much going on at this exact moment.
I realize I never told you about my trip to Houston. I love to do that, actually do something fun and somewhat notable and then not tell you about it but instead bore you to death with yet another entry about schoolwork. But...there's really not a lot to say about Houston either. It was great to see Jenny and Matthew and I had fun with both of them, I didn't drink nearly as much as I normally do when I'm with Jenny (which is a good thing, I suppose), Matthew and I got manicures, I met a guy in an "open marriage" (whatever), we had a hell of a time just trying to go bowling one night and finally got to do "X-treme Bowling" at a cheap discounted price (final verdict: not very X-treme), and I got lost a lot. Every time I drive in Houston I feel like all I do is make u-turns. I ended up in River Oaks three different times during the two days I was in Houston, and all three times I wasn't actually supposed to be there ("I'm on Kirby AGAIN?! How does this keep happening?!"). All in all it was a pretty good time.
Um, what else? I had a good weekend this weekend. I spent a lot of time with my siblings and my sister's boyfriend, they came down on Saturday and we had lunch and drinks and then played football at the park. Well, they played football, I tried in vain to get Cohen interested in playing fetch (basset says "no dice"). Then on Sunday I went up to Austin and Shane and I ate dinner at the restaurant where Chelsea works. I had a lot of amusing conversations with my brother. I think the highlights were when he informed me that he hopes his future girlfriend never plays golf because he needs the golf course to be the place where he escapes from her, and that he actually schedules classes and workouts and life in general around the series of TV programs he watches from 4:00 until 6:00 every weekday afternoon. Oh, and at one point he actually said, "Is she hot and stupid? 'Cause if she is, I'll date her." My brother is such a boy.
On Friday night I went to an undergrad party, which I kind of promised myself that I wouldn't do for a while after the fiasco at the last undergrad party I went to, but a bunch of us grads were out at a bar on Friday night and we ran into one of the undergrads who asked if we were going to the party. And we all just kind of looked at each other and shrugged and she said, "Well, I know you all don't usually hang out with undergrads, but if you feel like slumming tonight you should stop by." And she was totally joking, but how could we not at least make an appearance after that? So we went "slumming", and it was fun enough but completely predictable, especially the part where the cops showed up at 2 in the morning. I did end up giving my phone number to a cute enough, friendly guy who asked for it and told him he could call me Saturday and maybe I'd go out for a drink with him. But then he didn't end up calling, he just sent me a text message at 9:00 Saturday night saying, "So what are you doing?" and is it wrong that I ignored his message? I mean, I didn't have his phone number, so technically it was an anonymous text message (obviously it was from him, but still), and besides, I think that's kind of a pussy thing to do, texting a girl when you've never called her before and not even bothering to say who the text is from. That is kind of a weak thing to do, right? A cool guy would have called me, and would have done it before 9:00, right? (Forget the fact that if the shoe were on the other foot I probably would have sent a text message, too. After all, I can't possibly date someone as phobic of the telephone as I am, that would never work! Somebody has to have the balls in the relationship, and I have no desire for that person to be me.)
Yeah, yeah, I know. I'm just looking for excuses to reject guys. I'm being way too picky. I know. But I think I'm finally starting to really enjoy this whole hiatus thing, and why shouldn't I be picky?
Sunday, January 28, 2007
Another Wedding!
I just wrote a long post and then Blogger decided to eat it, and I no longer have the energy or the time to re-write the whole thing.
But the basic gist of it was that my best friend from high school, Melissa, called me on Friday night to tell me that she's getting married in December!
We hadn't talked in a very long time and had managed to lose touch completely over the past two years, so it was good to hear from her again. We didn't lose touch on purpose, it's just weird how that happens when you're someone like me that's notoriously bad at keeping in touch with people. One day it was like we had just talked (she had a long-term boyfriend and they were getting ready to move to Minneapolis, I was getting ready to move here to start grad school), and then suddenly it had been six months, then a year, and then I realized I didn't have a working phone number for her anymore, and then I couldn't find her on MySpace (the easiest way for antisocial people like me to keep in touch), and I realized that I could just call her parents and say, "Where is your daughter?" but that seemed like it would be an awkward conversation and I'm a wuss when it comes to making potentially uncomfortable phone calls, and then I got all paranoid and started thinking things like, "Well, maybe she's mad at me for some reason. I mean, wouldn't she have called me at Christmas if she really wanted to see me?" even though I know that I personally would have enjoyed seeing her but I didn't get brave and make the phone call either, and all of a sudden almost two years had gone by and we hadn't talked at all. But we've always been pretty good at picking up where we left off, and I just assumed we'd get in touch again somehow eventually, probably when something really big happened to one of us.
And sure enough, she called to get my address to send me a wedding invitation. I'm really excited and happy for her, and not too surprised since the last time we spoke she already had a feeling she and Matt would be getting engaged before too long. But if you'd asked me when I was seventeen which person in my close circle of friends I thought would get married first, Melissa would definitely not have been my first choice. In fact, Melissa would have been my very last choice, not because she's unattractive or unappealing or because I think she'd be bad at long term relationships (quite the contrary), but because...well, I think I've told you about the physics teacher that used to try to predict our futures based on what he knew about us, right? Well, he predicted that Melissa would end up running off to the woods and living in a rustic cabin by herself being all philosophical and kind of subversive, and that if she ever got married it would be much later in life to some sort of academic guy twenty years her senior. Because that was Melissa in high school. She had a serious boyfriend, a couple, actually, but she was adamantly not the marrying type. And yet here she is getting married, and she's probably going to beat out both Briar and Kristen (who, for the record, I would have placed my money on in the "Who Will Get Married First?" bet).
Then again, if you'd asked me when I was 17 if I thought I'd be 24 and single and working on my masters degree, I would have laughed at you and said "I'm not that smart, and I'll have a serious boyfriend by then for sure." And if you'd asked my physics teacher what I'd be doing at 24, he'd have said, "Taking out her inner anguish through cake decorating".
Which just goes to show...what? That you can't judge what a person's life is going to be like based on how they behaved in high school? That you can try to predict your own life path as much as you want but you're pretty much always going to be wrong, wrong, wrong?
Or maybe, hopefully, it just goes to show that you often end up happiest taking the path you least expected you would take.
After all, who would have thought Melissa, stomping around campus in an army fatigue jacket, proudly proclaiming that she was never going to get married young or pop out babies or live a typical life, would be living in Milwaukee and working in insurance and planning a wedding at only 24? And who would have thought that I'd happily be doing what I'm doing right now (whatever it is exactly that I'm doing right now)?
Sometimes I love that life is full of surprises and never works out how you think it's going to, and this is one of those times. I'm thrilled for Mel. I don't know where I'll be in December, but I hope for one day at least I'll be in South Bend celebrating with one of the best friends I've had on her wedding day.
But the basic gist of it was that my best friend from high school, Melissa, called me on Friday night to tell me that she's getting married in December!
We hadn't talked in a very long time and had managed to lose touch completely over the past two years, so it was good to hear from her again. We didn't lose touch on purpose, it's just weird how that happens when you're someone like me that's notoriously bad at keeping in touch with people. One day it was like we had just talked (she had a long-term boyfriend and they were getting ready to move to Minneapolis, I was getting ready to move here to start grad school), and then suddenly it had been six months, then a year, and then I realized I didn't have a working phone number for her anymore, and then I couldn't find her on MySpace (the easiest way for antisocial people like me to keep in touch), and I realized that I could just call her parents and say, "Where is your daughter?" but that seemed like it would be an awkward conversation and I'm a wuss when it comes to making potentially uncomfortable phone calls, and then I got all paranoid and started thinking things like, "Well, maybe she's mad at me for some reason. I mean, wouldn't she have called me at Christmas if she really wanted to see me?" even though I know that I personally would have enjoyed seeing her but I didn't get brave and make the phone call either, and all of a sudden almost two years had gone by and we hadn't talked at all. But we've always been pretty good at picking up where we left off, and I just assumed we'd get in touch again somehow eventually, probably when something really big happened to one of us.
And sure enough, she called to get my address to send me a wedding invitation. I'm really excited and happy for her, and not too surprised since the last time we spoke she already had a feeling she and Matt would be getting engaged before too long. But if you'd asked me when I was seventeen which person in my close circle of friends I thought would get married first, Melissa would definitely not have been my first choice. In fact, Melissa would have been my very last choice, not because she's unattractive or unappealing or because I think she'd be bad at long term relationships (quite the contrary), but because...well, I think I've told you about the physics teacher that used to try to predict our futures based on what he knew about us, right? Well, he predicted that Melissa would end up running off to the woods and living in a rustic cabin by herself being all philosophical and kind of subversive, and that if she ever got married it would be much later in life to some sort of academic guy twenty years her senior. Because that was Melissa in high school. She had a serious boyfriend, a couple, actually, but she was adamantly not the marrying type. And yet here she is getting married, and she's probably going to beat out both Briar and Kristen (who, for the record, I would have placed my money on in the "Who Will Get Married First?" bet).
Then again, if you'd asked me when I was 17 if I thought I'd be 24 and single and working on my masters degree, I would have laughed at you and said "I'm not that smart, and I'll have a serious boyfriend by then for sure." And if you'd asked my physics teacher what I'd be doing at 24, he'd have said, "Taking out her inner anguish through cake decorating".
Which just goes to show...what? That you can't judge what a person's life is going to be like based on how they behaved in high school? That you can try to predict your own life path as much as you want but you're pretty much always going to be wrong, wrong, wrong?
Or maybe, hopefully, it just goes to show that you often end up happiest taking the path you least expected you would take.
After all, who would have thought Melissa, stomping around campus in an army fatigue jacket, proudly proclaiming that she was never going to get married young or pop out babies or live a typical life, would be living in Milwaukee and working in insurance and planning a wedding at only 24? And who would have thought that I'd happily be doing what I'm doing right now (whatever it is exactly that I'm doing right now)?
Sometimes I love that life is full of surprises and never works out how you think it's going to, and this is one of those times. I'm thrilled for Mel. I don't know where I'll be in December, but I hope for one day at least I'll be in South Bend celebrating with one of the best friends I've had on her wedding day.
Wednesday, January 24, 2007
Full Plate
Today when I went up to campus to pick up a copy of the play I'm stage managing for Richie this semester (this one, if you're curious) I ran into Debbie and she told me she really needed to talk to me. Turns out another grad student, Adam, who is finishing up his MA in playwriting, wrote a play for his thesis and the faculty want to give him the opportunity to see it in performance so Debbie is going to direct it for him. And she wants me to be their dramaturg. And I agreed to do it. It's not 100% definite yet, but I'd like to try to take on the project. It sounds like it shouldn't be too terribly overwhelming, kind of along the lines of what I did for Kelly during her show last semester in terms of time commitment. Basically, a little bit of research, maybe a couple of meetings with the cast to talk about the history and current events they need to know for the play, a vocabulary list of terms in the play, stuff like that.
I will admit that I'm a little worried that I'm taking on too much. I have to write basically my entire thesis. I have to manage the box office. I have to do at least B-quality work in my Classical and Renaissance class, which shouldn't be impossible but it does involve a lot of reading. I've committed to stage managing Richie's show, and we start on that tomorrow. I work at the restaurant. And now if I add this project, it's basically going to be about as busy as I was last semester, if not more so.
The thing is, if the faculty will agree to let me take on this project, I can't pass it up. It's the chance to dramaturg an original work that has major contemporary relevance (I haven't seen a script yet, but I believe it has a lot to do with the conflict in Iraq), which is the exact sort of work I want to do. It'd be a great thing to put on my resume, and I have a very hard time turning down any job that will enhance my resume, especially if I'm going to have to apply to more Ph.D. programs next fall. The more work I can do now, while I'm in school and it's readily available, the better, since who knows what chances I'll come across in the next year.
Plus I can always quit at Applebees. I forget that fact sometimes, but that's one thing I definitely don't HAVE to do.
I will admit that I'm a little worried that I'm taking on too much. I have to write basically my entire thesis. I have to manage the box office. I have to do at least B-quality work in my Classical and Renaissance class, which shouldn't be impossible but it does involve a lot of reading. I've committed to stage managing Richie's show, and we start on that tomorrow. I work at the restaurant. And now if I add this project, it's basically going to be about as busy as I was last semester, if not more so.
The thing is, if the faculty will agree to let me take on this project, I can't pass it up. It's the chance to dramaturg an original work that has major contemporary relevance (I haven't seen a script yet, but I believe it has a lot to do with the conflict in Iraq), which is the exact sort of work I want to do. It'd be a great thing to put on my resume, and I have a very hard time turning down any job that will enhance my resume, especially if I'm going to have to apply to more Ph.D. programs next fall. The more work I can do now, while I'm in school and it's readily available, the better, since who knows what chances I'll come across in the next year.
Plus I can always quit at Applebees. I forget that fact sometimes, but that's one thing I definitely don't HAVE to do.
Tuesday, January 23, 2007
It's Greek to Me
So I'm feeling a bit better about my thesis today. I talked to Dr. C after our class tonight and told her that I want her to look over my outline and help me set up some guidelines and hash out some details, and instead of being like, "You're just barely developing an outline?!" she was like, "Sure, we'll go over it," and that makes me feel good. I was afraid that I'd see her and she'd be like, "Let's meet on Monday and look at the chapters you have so far" so I'm pleased she doesn't seem to be implying that I need to have a ton of writing done already (which is good, because I have, um, very little in the way of actual writing).
I'm also feeling pretty good about the class I started tonight, Classical and Renaissance Drama. Lord knows I need brush up on the classical stuff for my comprehensive exam in April (I could only remembre 4 out of 6 of Aristotle's elements of theatre today and considering his Poetics is the most important piece of dramatic theory in western theatre, that is decidedly not good). Plus it's mostly just reading a lot of plays, which I enjoy, and discussion, which I enjoy even more. I made a little bit of a stir today when one of the guys in class was talking about how strange it is that the Greeks were having festivals celebrating gods that were "not real" and how absurd it was to believe that lightning bolts were being thrown by the gods and Dionysus was gestated in Zeus' thigh, and finally I burst out, "How is that any more strange and unbelievable than burning bushes and an immaculate conception?!" And then I followed it up with something along the lines of, "For someone who isn't a Christian, the stories the Greeks believed don't sound any more bizarre than anything you find in the Bible." Fortunately he replied, "Huh. Yeah, I guess you're right," because I really could have gotten into it over that one. For the record, I feel a certain amount of admiration for people that can have such pure faith they believe the words of the Bible as literal truth. I wish I had that sort of unwavering confidence in, well, anything. But I can't help wondering how someone can justify believing a man walked on water and rose from the dead yet belittle people who believed basically the same things, just about a different god(s). In actuality, we haven't evolved so very much at all. Speaking of, Peter sent me a link yesterday talking about how some people in Greece who worship Zeus are pushing to have their religion recognized by the Greek government. I can only hope that eventually this will lead to a renewed interest in the worship of Dionysus as well, because there's nothing I would love more than attending a religious festival devoted solely to drinking, sex, and theatre. I'm trivializing it, but in all seriousness, I don't see why that sort of worship can't be just as valid as anything else. And finally, to finish off this rambling and now very off-topic paragraph, can I just say that I am struggling a lot with my spirituality these days? I'm no longer at a place where I can be satisfied with the teachings and beliefs of the Christianity I grew up with, and I don't think I'll ever be able to get back to that place. There's just too much I cannot possibly make myself believe. At the same time, I haven't found anything else that makes me feel satisfied and makes sense to me other than my vague theories about spiritual energy and I think I kind of made that up, and picking and choosing the parts I like from various traditions seems like cheating somehow. I pray often but don't even know exactly what I think I'm praying to. I feel like I need to do more research into this, though, because I am this odd juxtaposition of someone who really wants to have faith in something (my grandparents are atheists and I definitely know that I am not) but at the same time needs a lot of logic and there's just not a lot of logic when we're talking about the unknowns of gods and creation and purposes. And agnosticism just seems like kind of a cop out, although I'm closest to that at the moment, I suppose. I keep hoping that eventually I'll have the time to really research everything that interests me and that something will jump out at me and make me go "Yes! That's something I can believe in!" but I also don't think it really works like that. I don't even know why I'm talking about this right now, it's not like it's a problem that's going to get solved any time in the near future, or probably any time in my entire life in this form here on Earth.
I need to go do some reading. Oh, but before I go, Richie asked me stage manage his show today! Yay! I get to work with Richie, and have more stage management experience to put on my resume. The show goes up in early March. I'll let you know more about it, as soon as I get the script and figure out what show it actually IS (Richie called to ask me and I agreed right away to do the job and only realized later that I can't remember what show he told me he's directing when he first told me about it last semester, and I felt too embarassed to ask him about it because we've already talked about it before).
I'm also feeling pretty good about the class I started tonight, Classical and Renaissance Drama. Lord knows I need brush up on the classical stuff for my comprehensive exam in April (I could only remembre 4 out of 6 of Aristotle's elements of theatre today and considering his Poetics is the most important piece of dramatic theory in western theatre, that is decidedly not good). Plus it's mostly just reading a lot of plays, which I enjoy, and discussion, which I enjoy even more. I made a little bit of a stir today when one of the guys in class was talking about how strange it is that the Greeks were having festivals celebrating gods that were "not real" and how absurd it was to believe that lightning bolts were being thrown by the gods and Dionysus was gestated in Zeus' thigh, and finally I burst out, "How is that any more strange and unbelievable than burning bushes and an immaculate conception?!" And then I followed it up with something along the lines of, "For someone who isn't a Christian, the stories the Greeks believed don't sound any more bizarre than anything you find in the Bible." Fortunately he replied, "Huh. Yeah, I guess you're right," because I really could have gotten into it over that one. For the record, I feel a certain amount of admiration for people that can have such pure faith they believe the words of the Bible as literal truth. I wish I had that sort of unwavering confidence in, well, anything. But I can't help wondering how someone can justify believing a man walked on water and rose from the dead yet belittle people who believed basically the same things, just about a different god(s). In actuality, we haven't evolved so very much at all. Speaking of, Peter sent me a link yesterday talking about how some people in Greece who worship Zeus are pushing to have their religion recognized by the Greek government. I can only hope that eventually this will lead to a renewed interest in the worship of Dionysus as well, because there's nothing I would love more than attending a religious festival devoted solely to drinking, sex, and theatre. I'm trivializing it, but in all seriousness, I don't see why that sort of worship can't be just as valid as anything else. And finally, to finish off this rambling and now very off-topic paragraph, can I just say that I am struggling a lot with my spirituality these days? I'm no longer at a place where I can be satisfied with the teachings and beliefs of the Christianity I grew up with, and I don't think I'll ever be able to get back to that place. There's just too much I cannot possibly make myself believe. At the same time, I haven't found anything else that makes me feel satisfied and makes sense to me other than my vague theories about spiritual energy and I think I kind of made that up, and picking and choosing the parts I like from various traditions seems like cheating somehow. I pray often but don't even know exactly what I think I'm praying to. I feel like I need to do more research into this, though, because I am this odd juxtaposition of someone who really wants to have faith in something (my grandparents are atheists and I definitely know that I am not) but at the same time needs a lot of logic and there's just not a lot of logic when we're talking about the unknowns of gods and creation and purposes. And agnosticism just seems like kind of a cop out, although I'm closest to that at the moment, I suppose. I keep hoping that eventually I'll have the time to really research everything that interests me and that something will jump out at me and make me go "Yes! That's something I can believe in!" but I also don't think it really works like that. I don't even know why I'm talking about this right now, it's not like it's a problem that's going to get solved any time in the near future, or probably any time in my entire life in this form here on Earth.
I need to go do some reading. Oh, but before I go, Richie asked me stage manage his show today! Yay! I get to work with Richie, and have more stage management experience to put on my resume. The show goes up in early March. I'll let you know more about it, as soon as I get the script and figure out what show it actually IS (Richie called to ask me and I agreed right away to do the job and only realized later that I can't remember what show he told me he's directing when he first told me about it last semester, and I felt too embarassed to ask him about it because we've already talked about it before).
Monday, January 22, 2007
Mild Panic
I just mailed off my last Ph.D. application. Actually, technically this last one was an M.F.A. application for the only program I applied to that's not a Ph.D. program, although if you knew what school it was you would know why I'd be way, WAY more than perfectly content with an M.F.A. from said school. Also, I'm never going to actually get accepted there, but the fact that people in my life think I have the potential for it to even be worth my effort to try makes me happy enough.
Also, I got an official notice in my box today with all the deadlines for graduation and I found out that my thesis is due to my committee by March 23rd. March 23rd! That's only two months from tomorrow. Frankly, I don't want to talk about it.
And apparently I actually have to start class tomorrow. Blargh.
Also, I got an official notice in my box today with all the deadlines for graduation and I found out that my thesis is due to my committee by March 23rd. March 23rd! That's only two months from tomorrow. Frankly, I don't want to talk about it.
And apparently I actually have to start class tomorrow. Blargh.
Saturday, January 20, 2007
More March
Remember the Tool concert? The one Mandi and I were supposed to go to in September? Well, I finally got an e-mail today saying it has been rescheduled for March 26th, which is perfect!! It's a Monday night so I don't have class and I won't have to work a show for box office, either, since the March show ends the 25th. And the show Mandi is ADing is done by then, too, so we get to see Tool in March!
March is going to be crazy. Look:
5 March: Justin Timberlake concert in Dallas
13-19 March: Trip to New York City
21 March: The Lion King in Austin w/ Chelsea and Mike (ah, The Lion King the musical, it's so good)
26 March: Tool in San Antonio
I keep trying to ignore the fact that March is also the month in which I'll be trying to wrap up my thesis and prepare for my defense and my oral and written exams, but that's okay. I have all of February to get a jump on that stuff (HA!) and all of the above will be great stress relief. I'm sorry to keep talking about it, but I'm just so excited.
I did end up going to Houston for the past two nights so, maybe I'll tell you about that eventually. In the meantime I feel the need to get in a workout right now even though it's 8:30 on Saturday night and I've already been out to dinner and had three drinks. Maybe I'll just lift some weights?
March is going to be crazy. Look:
5 March: Justin Timberlake concert in Dallas
13-19 March: Trip to New York City
21 March: The Lion King in Austin w/ Chelsea and Mike (ah, The Lion King the musical, it's so good)
26 March: Tool in San Antonio
I keep trying to ignore the fact that March is also the month in which I'll be trying to wrap up my thesis and prepare for my defense and my oral and written exams, but that's okay. I have all of February to get a jump on that stuff (HA!) and all of the above will be great stress relief. I'm sorry to keep talking about it, but I'm just so excited.
I did end up going to Houston for the past two nights so, maybe I'll tell you about that eventually. In the meantime I feel the need to get in a workout right now even though it's 8:30 on Saturday night and I've already been out to dinner and had three drinks. Maybe I'll just lift some weights?
Wednesday, January 17, 2007
Ennui
I'm really tired of not feeling like I can go anywhere or do anything. It has finally stopped icing/sleeting/snowing, but since the temperature still hasn't gotten above 30 degrees today all the accumulated ice hasn't melted at all. My car has these ice spikes that have formed off the side of it and the icicles on the front are making him look like a tired old man. (Yes, the car is a him, and his name is Bostwick) The grass is totally frozen over and crunchy when I walk on it. Sidewalk walking is still a sketchy prospect. Technically I could go somewhere and do something since the roads in town aren't too terrible anymore, but what? Most businesses are still closed, I don't feel like spending ten minutes unthawing my car, blah, blah, blah.
I did take Cohen for a walk today and ended up buying chocolate cupcakes at the corner store, the only place I've been other than the laundry room since, um, Sunday. Poor Cohen totally wiped out on an icy patch of sidewalk outside the apartment complex office and ended up rolling into the parking lot along with the shards of ice his big muffin paws had kicked up. He stood up, shook his head indignantly and then stared up at me as if to say, "Is this your idea of a joke?!" Poor basset!
I still haven't decided if I'm going to Houston tomorrow. It would be stupid to try to drive if there's even a slight chance the roads will still be icy since it's not like I have to go to Houston. Then again, if I spend one more day just sitting in my apartment without doing anything other than half-heartedly doing thesis research and watching terrible television, I might lose it.
Speaking of terrible TV, how about American Idol? Jesus, I've never watched anything so painful in my whole life. How can people possibly be that tone deaf? How can no one have ever been kind enough to point out to them that singing is not their talent? How can anyone have such a false sense of their own talents and capabilities? Please, please, PLEASE don't ever let me do that to myself. Please be honest. If I think I'm good at something and I actually suck at it, please, for the love of all that is good, PLEASE tell me about it before I humiliate myself in front of the American public. And I wouldn't mind if I thought these people were doing it on purpose just to get on television, but sadly, I think some of these people really are sincere about their wish to be on the show and really are just that bad, and it's just way too depressing. There is a reason I haven't watched the past four seasons of this show. I think I'm going back to watching Food Network, which never makes me want to curl up under my blanket and die.
I did take Cohen for a walk today and ended up buying chocolate cupcakes at the corner store, the only place I've been other than the laundry room since, um, Sunday. Poor Cohen totally wiped out on an icy patch of sidewalk outside the apartment complex office and ended up rolling into the parking lot along with the shards of ice his big muffin paws had kicked up. He stood up, shook his head indignantly and then stared up at me as if to say, "Is this your idea of a joke?!" Poor basset!
I still haven't decided if I'm going to Houston tomorrow. It would be stupid to try to drive if there's even a slight chance the roads will still be icy since it's not like I have to go to Houston. Then again, if I spend one more day just sitting in my apartment without doing anything other than half-heartedly doing thesis research and watching terrible television, I might lose it.
Speaking of terrible TV, how about American Idol? Jesus, I've never watched anything so painful in my whole life. How can people possibly be that tone deaf? How can no one have ever been kind enough to point out to them that singing is not their talent? How can anyone have such a false sense of their own talents and capabilities? Please, please, PLEASE don't ever let me do that to myself. Please be honest. If I think I'm good at something and I actually suck at it, please, for the love of all that is good, PLEASE tell me about it before I humiliate myself in front of the American public. And I wouldn't mind if I thought these people were doing it on purpose just to get on television, but sadly, I think some of these people really are sincere about their wish to be on the show and really are just that bad, and it's just way too depressing. There is a reason I haven't watched the past four seasons of this show. I think I'm going back to watching Food Network, which never makes me want to curl up under my blanket and die.
Tuesday, January 16, 2007
Idiots
The news anchors are now referring to yesterday and today (and tomorrow, I suppose) as "Ice Storm '07!" It's so stupid.
But yeah, we are iced in. Sort of. I've walked Cohen around the apartment complex a few times and decided that I don't particularly feel like driving anywhere since the sidewalks are kinda treacherous and I assume the roads must be, too. Plus I don't know where I'd go, since I'm assuming most restaurants and businesses in town are closed. But a few people are still driving around.
I keep watching out my front window as various neighbors attempt to get into their cars and drive off (where are people going?). It always starts with them yanking on car door, which is frozen shut, and finally getting it opened with a lot of effort. That's funny enough. Then they start the car to begin warming it up. And then I watch as they make trip after trip from their apartment back to the car with bowls of hot water to unthaw their windshield. This strikes me as completely ridiculous. They're making five or six trips back and forth across the parking lot carrying bowls or soup pots or tea kettles. I watch them slip and stumble across the parking lot, pour the water over the car, and then make their way back inside to warm up more water.
Wouldn't it be much, much easier to just turn on the car and let it warm up for a while as you stay warm and cozy inside your house? Surely that will start to loosen up the ice about as fast as waiting for a kettle of water to boil six times. And am I the only one who owns an ice scraper?
Sometimes I feel really, really tired of people.
But yeah, we are iced in. Sort of. I've walked Cohen around the apartment complex a few times and decided that I don't particularly feel like driving anywhere since the sidewalks are kinda treacherous and I assume the roads must be, too. Plus I don't know where I'd go, since I'm assuming most restaurants and businesses in town are closed. But a few people are still driving around.
I keep watching out my front window as various neighbors attempt to get into their cars and drive off (where are people going?). It always starts with them yanking on car door, which is frozen shut, and finally getting it opened with a lot of effort. That's funny enough. Then they start the car to begin warming it up. And then I watch as they make trip after trip from their apartment back to the car with bowls of hot water to unthaw their windshield. This strikes me as completely ridiculous. They're making five or six trips back and forth across the parking lot carrying bowls or soup pots or tea kettles. I watch them slip and stumble across the parking lot, pour the water over the car, and then make their way back inside to warm up more water.
Wouldn't it be much, much easier to just turn on the car and let it warm up for a while as you stay warm and cozy inside your house? Surely that will start to loosen up the ice about as fast as waiting for a kettle of water to boil six times. And am I the only one who owns an ice scraper?
Sometimes I feel really, really tired of people.
Monday, January 15, 2007
Ice Ice Baby
So the first day of class, which was supposed to be tomorrow, has been canceled due to ice on the roads (which has still yet to actually show up in any serious and dangerous way, but it's only 9:30 and still 32 degrees out so I guess we'll see what happens overnight). Since my only class this semester is Tuesday nights from 5 until 8, I suppose this means I get a whole extra week of winter break! Although knowing Dr. C I wouldn't put it past her to send us all an e-mail tomorrow giving us at least a reading assignment to have ready for next week. To be honest, I'm kind of bummed. I was looking forward to seeing everyone together tomorrow night and getting back into my academic groove and now I guess I'll just have to spend another few days lying around the house and thinking about how I should be working on my thesis but not actually doing any substantial work on it.
But hey, I did finish another Ph.D. application today. For those of you keeping track of the oh-so-thrilling process, that's five applications down, only one more to go. And since the only application I have left to finish is for my major, major, never-gonna-happen-so-why-am-I-even-bothering reach school, I basically feel like I'm done with the process. All of the applications that actually have a shot of getting me into a program for fall 2007 are in the hands of committee members and there's nothing else I can do at this point except wait. I'd like to be optimistic, but eh...
I have the Golden Globes on TV in the background right now and I've come to the realization that I've seen about zero movies this year. Seriously, I haven't seen anything. I think the only movie they've mentioned so far that I actually saw was Little Miss Sunshine. And the only other movie I can think of off the top of my head that I saw this year was The Holiday. I don't think it can be possible that I only saw two movies in theaters in 2006, can it? And yet I can't remember seeing anything else. I did watch a lot of TV, though. And as much as I enjoy Grey's Anatomy, I don't think it should have won Best TV Drama, mostly because I wouldn't really classify it as a drama. But I suppose it's not a comedy either and it needs to be in one of the two categories and it's more drama than comedy so yeah, okay. But it shouldn't have beat Big Love. It's good and it's entertaining, but it's not HBO calibur. (Can't wait for season two of Big Love, by the way!) Also, who even saw Babel? All the belated hype about that movie is annoying me. Nobody talked about how good it supposedly is when it actually came out. It's like the whole year went by and everyone was just waiting and waiting for something really great to come out and when nothing did everyone went, "Oh crap, where are all the award-worthy movies that were supposed to come out in December? What now?" "Well, there's that Babel movie that was released several months ago, that one was okay. We could really talk that one up, I guess. We have to do something!"
I thought I had something else to say, but I can't remember what it was. I guess I can tell you that if the weather clears up I think I'm going to drive to Houston on Thursday and stay with Matthew for a couple of nights. My friend Jenny has to go to a hospital in Houston for some tests and I told her I'd do my best to come down there and see her so that it's not a boring/depressing weekend of hanging out in doctor's offices. I had wanted to visit her in Fort Worth before Christmas but my managers at work (shockingly) ended up screwing up my schedule and I didn't end up being able to make it, so this will make up for my not visiting her for her Christmas party, plus I'll get the chance to see Matthew, too. It should be fun.
There are finally icicles forming on my car. Good. Because if I'm going to be stuck in my apartment with nothing to do and nobody to see for at least the next 24 hours and possibly longer I'd at least like there to actually be visible ice. ("Potentially one of the longest lasting ice storms we've seen in modern history, says the KXAN First Warning Weather! man". Hmmmm...Perhaps I should not mock the weather?)
But hey, I did finish another Ph.D. application today. For those of you keeping track of the oh-so-thrilling process, that's five applications down, only one more to go. And since the only application I have left to finish is for my major, major, never-gonna-happen-so-why-am-I-even-bothering reach school, I basically feel like I'm done with the process. All of the applications that actually have a shot of getting me into a program for fall 2007 are in the hands of committee members and there's nothing else I can do at this point except wait. I'd like to be optimistic, but eh...
I have the Golden Globes on TV in the background right now and I've come to the realization that I've seen about zero movies this year. Seriously, I haven't seen anything. I think the only movie they've mentioned so far that I actually saw was Little Miss Sunshine. And the only other movie I can think of off the top of my head that I saw this year was The Holiday. I don't think it can be possible that I only saw two movies in theaters in 2006, can it? And yet I can't remember seeing anything else. I did watch a lot of TV, though. And as much as I enjoy Grey's Anatomy, I don't think it should have won Best TV Drama, mostly because I wouldn't really classify it as a drama. But I suppose it's not a comedy either and it needs to be in one of the two categories and it's more drama than comedy so yeah, okay. But it shouldn't have beat Big Love. It's good and it's entertaining, but it's not HBO calibur. (Can't wait for season two of Big Love, by the way!) Also, who even saw Babel? All the belated hype about that movie is annoying me. Nobody talked about how good it supposedly is when it actually came out. It's like the whole year went by and everyone was just waiting and waiting for something really great to come out and when nothing did everyone went, "Oh crap, where are all the award-worthy movies that were supposed to come out in December? What now?" "Well, there's that Babel movie that was released several months ago, that one was okay. We could really talk that one up, I guess. We have to do something!"
I thought I had something else to say, but I can't remember what it was. I guess I can tell you that if the weather clears up I think I'm going to drive to Houston on Thursday and stay with Matthew for a couple of nights. My friend Jenny has to go to a hospital in Houston for some tests and I told her I'd do my best to come down there and see her so that it's not a boring/depressing weekend of hanging out in doctor's offices. I had wanted to visit her in Fort Worth before Christmas but my managers at work (shockingly) ended up screwing up my schedule and I didn't end up being able to make it, so this will make up for my not visiting her for her Christmas party, plus I'll get the chance to see Matthew, too. It should be fun.
There are finally icicles forming on my car. Good. Because if I'm going to be stuck in my apartment with nothing to do and nobody to see for at least the next 24 hours and possibly longer I'd at least like there to actually be visible ice. ("Potentially one of the longest lasting ice storms we've seen in modern history, says the KXAN First Warning Weather! man". Hmmmm...Perhaps I should not mock the weather?)
Sunday, January 14, 2007
My Life in 25 (Long) Sentences
I'm bored and sometimes when I'm bored I do memes. Like this one I discovered today, which is pretty simple: you write a sentence for each year of your life. It can sum up the whole year, or a single notable event remembered from that year or whatever. Pointless, as most memes are, but it's 11:00 on a Sunday night and if the news and weather channel are to be believed the town is about to freeze over for the next couple of days so I don't think anyone is going out tonight after all (we initially had these big grad student reunion plans since we haven't all been together for five weeks, but I don't think Richie's plane ended up getting in on time and it's freezing so people are being homebodies, I guess). Speaking of the weather, I'm tired of everyone acting like the world is going to end just because there might possibly, POSSIBLY be an ice storm tomorrow. Debbie was making me laugh talking about how when she was out earlier people were storming the HEB and clearing the shelves of bottled water and canned goods as if we're going to be snowed in for weeks and weeks and not, like, hours. It is Texas. It is not North Dakota. People are idiots.
Anyway, here goes the meme (And I'm starting with zero rather than one because...well, that makes sense to me. One implies the year I was one year old, zero would be the year I was actually born, understand? Yeah, okay, cool.)
0. I was supposed to be born on Thanksgiving but instead opted to make an early arrival on November 5th at the county hospital in El Paso.
1. According to my mother I spent a lot of time shredding up books when I was supposed to be taking afternoon naps, so I suppose it's kind of surprising I grew up to be such a voracious reader.
2. My sister Chelsea was born and meanwhile I wandered around looking pretty pathetic with an eye patch and a teeny tiny pair of glasses before I finally had surgery to correct my lazy eye (and thank god my parents agreed to let me be operated on that young because I'm not kidding when I say there is no doubt in my mind I'd be a very, VERY different person today had I been forced to grow up cross-eyed...I wish I was being facetious, but kids are mean and guys are shallow and I'm so, so glad that little problem of mine was fixed before I was old enough for it to matter).
3. I started preschool at St. Andrew's, where I immediately befriended a girl named Melissa and was so enamored of her that I named my stuffed cat in her honor.
4. We moved from my first home to the house in El Paso where my parents still live, and my brother Shane was born two weeks later.
5. In October I skipped a week of kindergarten and went to Disney World and a Florida beach with my family and grandparents, the first vacation I remember in pretty good detail.
6. I realized that my mother was the tooth fairy and simultaneously confirmed my long-standing suspicion that my parents were also Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny.
7. By night I was going through a period of intense insomnia and by day I was busy constantly pretending I was sick and leaving my first grade classroom to hide out in the nurse's office because I was so freakin' sensitive that just watching my classmates fight/get in trouble made me a nervous wreck.
8. My best friend Shanna and I were very into Nintendo and Sega, building elaborate sand towns in her backyard, coloring stickers, and that TV show Dinosaurs.
9. I sat next to a boy named Danny in my third grade class and he spent a lot of time making me laugh, which meant we spent a lot of time getting scolded, but it turned out that wasn't such a big deal, which made me realize that a person can actually speak in school, and that realization pretty much changed my life.
10. Over spring break we drove thirteen hours to Telluride, Colorado for a skiing trip, at the time the longest car trip I'd ever made in my life (and still one of the longest).
11. A boy in my 5th grade class became slightly obsessed with me and freaked me (and my father) out one night by showing up on the front porch on his bicycle at 11 PM to give me a stuffed teddy bear.
12. I played a starring role in our sixth grade play about Africa, the event that I pinpoint as the moment in life that I decided I wanted a career in theatre.
13. I grew four inches in one summer and finally started my period a month before my 14th birthday and what felt like years after all the other girls I knew.
14. For Christmas my grandma surprised my family by telling us that come June we'd be spending two weeks in Europe, and the trip through the Netherlands, France, Germany, and Switzerland was the most exciting thing I'd done in my life up to that point, as far as I was concerned.
15. I wasted tons and tons of time with my girl friends (one of them was Melissa, who I re-met in middle school) giggling and whispering about this group of boys we thought were so fine (incidentally, said guys grew up to be somewhat disappointing on the whole).
16. I went to Europe again over the summer, this time minus parents plus my high school High-Q team, and I realize this sounds incredibly nerdy but it was actually tons of fun and we saw beautiful places and amazing things and I think it was the first time I really drank without parental permission/supervision.
17. I got really involved in high school theatre, finally learned how to flirt, had my first relationship (a summer fling, basically), had my first real, meaningful kiss while in that relationship, and then eventually began dating Mike a few weeks before my eighteenth birthday (even in retrospect, seventeen was a great year).
18. I fell in love with Mike (and, because I am the ultimate cliche, we gave up--not lost, quite willingly gave up-- our virginity in a hotel room immediately following our senior prom).
19. I began spending a lot of time with Kymberli, Katy, Meg, Jenny, and Holly, I discovered the wild world of the college theatre party, and I stopped moping so much about my boyfriend back home and began to see the full potential of college and life in Fort Worth.
20. Mike and I started having some problems with our committed long distance relationship and he decided we should "see other people", at which point I proceeded to do exactly that and thus my 20th year was fantastically wild and I spent quite a bit of time doing many of the things I personally feel one needs to do as a young single woman so that when you're 52 and married you have absolutely no reason to look back on your life and go, "Wow, I wish I'd tried [blank] when I was single" because, hey, you DID do it when you were single and now it's out of your system, thank god!
21. My not-really-ever-a-relationship-but-definitely-something with College Ex was at its peak and I was having a great time since I felt sexy all the time and never had to deal with real relationship stuff, I became a regular at the Pub, I directed for the first time and fell in love with it, and I got to spend a month living in London with a bunch of my closest friends and the guy I was sleeping with, so it was basically the best study abroad trip imaginable (in retrospect, 21 was also a really great year).
22. I phoned in my last semester of college while spending more time hanging out and partying with my friends than I actually did working, I somehow still graduated summa cum laude from college, and then I moved to my current home to start my masters program, which was overwhelming and a bit lonely at first.
23. I came into my stride in my masters program, had a lot of academic successes, and made a bunch of great friends, while meanwhile my love life totally went to hell (but I did get to live in England again for a while!).
24. We'll see...
Anyway, here goes the meme (And I'm starting with zero rather than one because...well, that makes sense to me. One implies the year I was one year old, zero would be the year I was actually born, understand? Yeah, okay, cool.)
0. I was supposed to be born on Thanksgiving but instead opted to make an early arrival on November 5th at the county hospital in El Paso.
1. According to my mother I spent a lot of time shredding up books when I was supposed to be taking afternoon naps, so I suppose it's kind of surprising I grew up to be such a voracious reader.
2. My sister Chelsea was born and meanwhile I wandered around looking pretty pathetic with an eye patch and a teeny tiny pair of glasses before I finally had surgery to correct my lazy eye (and thank god my parents agreed to let me be operated on that young because I'm not kidding when I say there is no doubt in my mind I'd be a very, VERY different person today had I been forced to grow up cross-eyed...I wish I was being facetious, but kids are mean and guys are shallow and I'm so, so glad that little problem of mine was fixed before I was old enough for it to matter).
3. I started preschool at St. Andrew's, where I immediately befriended a girl named Melissa and was so enamored of her that I named my stuffed cat in her honor.
4. We moved from my first home to the house in El Paso where my parents still live, and my brother Shane was born two weeks later.
5. In October I skipped a week of kindergarten and went to Disney World and a Florida beach with my family and grandparents, the first vacation I remember in pretty good detail.
6. I realized that my mother was the tooth fairy and simultaneously confirmed my long-standing suspicion that my parents were also Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny.
7. By night I was going through a period of intense insomnia and by day I was busy constantly pretending I was sick and leaving my first grade classroom to hide out in the nurse's office because I was so freakin' sensitive that just watching my classmates fight/get in trouble made me a nervous wreck.
8. My best friend Shanna and I were very into Nintendo and Sega, building elaborate sand towns in her backyard, coloring stickers, and that TV show Dinosaurs.
9. I sat next to a boy named Danny in my third grade class and he spent a lot of time making me laugh, which meant we spent a lot of time getting scolded, but it turned out that wasn't such a big deal, which made me realize that a person can actually speak in school, and that realization pretty much changed my life.
10. Over spring break we drove thirteen hours to Telluride, Colorado for a skiing trip, at the time the longest car trip I'd ever made in my life (and still one of the longest).
11. A boy in my 5th grade class became slightly obsessed with me and freaked me (and my father) out one night by showing up on the front porch on his bicycle at 11 PM to give me a stuffed teddy bear.
12. I played a starring role in our sixth grade play about Africa, the event that I pinpoint as the moment in life that I decided I wanted a career in theatre.
13. I grew four inches in one summer and finally started my period a month before my 14th birthday and what felt like years after all the other girls I knew.
14. For Christmas my grandma surprised my family by telling us that come June we'd be spending two weeks in Europe, and the trip through the Netherlands, France, Germany, and Switzerland was the most exciting thing I'd done in my life up to that point, as far as I was concerned.
15. I wasted tons and tons of time with my girl friends (one of them was Melissa, who I re-met in middle school) giggling and whispering about this group of boys we thought were so fine (incidentally, said guys grew up to be somewhat disappointing on the whole).
16. I went to Europe again over the summer, this time minus parents plus my high school High-Q team, and I realize this sounds incredibly nerdy but it was actually tons of fun and we saw beautiful places and amazing things and I think it was the first time I really drank without parental permission/supervision.
17. I got really involved in high school theatre, finally learned how to flirt, had my first relationship (a summer fling, basically), had my first real, meaningful kiss while in that relationship, and then eventually began dating Mike a few weeks before my eighteenth birthday (even in retrospect, seventeen was a great year).
18. I fell in love with Mike (and, because I am the ultimate cliche, we gave up--not lost, quite willingly gave up-- our virginity in a hotel room immediately following our senior prom).
19. I began spending a lot of time with Kymberli, Katy, Meg, Jenny, and Holly, I discovered the wild world of the college theatre party, and I stopped moping so much about my boyfriend back home and began to see the full potential of college and life in Fort Worth.
20. Mike and I started having some problems with our committed long distance relationship and he decided we should "see other people", at which point I proceeded to do exactly that and thus my 20th year was fantastically wild and I spent quite a bit of time doing many of the things I personally feel one needs to do as a young single woman so that when you're 52 and married you have absolutely no reason to look back on your life and go, "Wow, I wish I'd tried [blank] when I was single" because, hey, you DID do it when you were single and now it's out of your system, thank god!
21. My not-really-ever-a-relationship-but-definitely-something with College Ex was at its peak and I was having a great time since I felt sexy all the time and never had to deal with real relationship stuff, I became a regular at the Pub, I directed for the first time and fell in love with it, and I got to spend a month living in London with a bunch of my closest friends and the guy I was sleeping with, so it was basically the best study abroad trip imaginable (in retrospect, 21 was also a really great year).
22. I phoned in my last semester of college while spending more time hanging out and partying with my friends than I actually did working, I somehow still graduated summa cum laude from college, and then I moved to my current home to start my masters program, which was overwhelming and a bit lonely at first.
23. I came into my stride in my masters program, had a lot of academic successes, and made a bunch of great friends, while meanwhile my love life totally went to hell (but I did get to live in England again for a while!).
24. We'll see...
Thursday, January 11, 2007
Numerology
Because I'm apparently not working anymore (thanks, idiot managers!) and classes don't start until Tuesday, and pretty much everyone exciting is out of town at the moment, I've had a lot of time to do lame things on the internet. Today's Lame Thing was doing one of those sample numerology reports. Here are the highlights:
My Life Path is 9 (whatever the heck that means):
"You probably feel responsible for keeping up the morality or spirit of mankind in some way, or even responsible for their very souls." Hmmm. Spirit, sure. Morality, not so much, unless you want to count the fact that I get very worked up about things like Flavor of Love and the lyrics of most current popular songs. But it's not so much that I'm worried about people's morality (because frankly, I could care less about how much you want to shake your moneymaker). It's not even that I dislike most of these songs and worry that they're corrupting the youth or whatever. It's just that I think people need to acknowledge that on some level it's all VERY degrading. And then everyong can feel free to enjoy them.
As many nines are also very artistic, this connection with the higher powers might also be expressed through a talent such as writing, music or painting. Well, that's fun. My artistic skills sure don't come in the form of painting, though, that's for sure.
At some point in your life you have probably sworn to yourself to make this world a better place. You are extremely compassionate and feel above the matters that you feel causes factions of society to be divided. You are very aware of feeling as insignificant as a grain of sand in the Universe and believe that materialism, prejudice and lust just don't matter in the long run. Hey, that's actually true.
You have a charismatic and very open personality that attracts you a lot of friends. You are very social, sometimes at the expense of your other responsibilities. Really? Sure, I have friends, but this seems to be implying social butterfly and that is wrong, wrong, wrong.
This triggers a period of time that lasts a few years that is often called the "dark night of the soul." It is usually during this period of your life that you find the extreme courage and strength to become what is called a wounded healer. Oh, GREAT. I can't wait for this to happen.
As you are naturally very lonely and insecure, you are particularly vulnerable to joining a cult or becoming fanatical in the religious sense. Hahahaha. This is one of my favorite parts, because I think we can safely say that in any given group of people I'd probably be voted LEAST likely to become a religious fanatic or join a cult. Also, doesn't this directly contradict the part about being charismatic and having lots of friends? Shockingly, I'm beginning to think this whole reading is a sham.
Now onto my "Expression Number", which is 3, apparently. This is supposed to tell me my Potential Natural Talents and Abilities:
You are at the height of your self-expression when you feel that others are experiencing "being high on life" like you are. One of your personal goals may be to uplift humanity or spread joy or enthusiasm wherever you go. You know how to unite others through the magic of performance, song dance, singing, acting or literature. For this reason, you are fated to entertain others in some way, whether you are in showbiz or not! Well, alright. I like that.
You consider the accumulation of experiences to be your greatest wealth so you may choose a career in which you travel a lot so you can meet as many people and encounter as many different kinds of situations as possible. Wow, Numerology Report, you're right! I'm sorry I called you a sham, I was just kidding!
You often speak in full paragraphs and are a captivating storyteller. Or, you know, I bore the hell out of and/or overwhelm people and they just want me to shut up already. Ask my brother, his favorite thing to tell me is, "You talk to much" (this is coming from Shane, however, who doesn't really speak in complete sentences most of the time...in fact, he mostly just speaks in sound effects)
For this reason many of you make incredible actors, opera singers, teachers or performers. [This has nothing to do with anything, but am I supposed to care that Donald Trump and Rosie O'Donnell are in some kind of feud? Because the TV and the Internet won't shut up about it.]
Threes are often blessed with a natural sense of comic timing as well as rhythm. This makes you an excellent dancer and lover. Thanks, Numerology Report! I'm liking you more and more all the time!
You love philosophy and the old cliches that are true in life so when you feel lost emotionally you rely on wise words to get you through. You rarely take anything that happens to you in life personally, a trait that frustrates your enemies to no end. This ability to let stuff "roll off your back" serves you well in the many complex emotional situations that threes often get into. That's actually true, too. Well, most of the time. Nobody's a duck in the rain all of the time.
Finally, there's my Soul Urge number, which is a 4. What is a "soul urge"? I have no idea:
Your soul craves stability, beauty and order. You are continually distressed by the natural chaos that often describes life and your own life may be entirely devoted to restoring things to balance. That's just a kind way of saying I'm a hyper-organized neat freak. Which is completely, entirely true.
You are decisive, thorough and intolerant by nature and nothing disturbs you more than a messy room, undone dishes or unclipped grass. Your spirit often moves you to accomplish ten times as much as most people would in a day as you set about combating decay and dirt. Am I sensing a theme here?
Life often has you feeling powerless so controlling the little details makes you feel more emotionally secure. Unfortunately this tendency can extend to trying to control the behavior of your family, friends and coworkers. This earns you a reputation for being stern, pushy and stubborn. Alright, Report, chill. I know, I know.
You secretly resent people who seem to be unconventional or free thinkers as you consider yourself to be among the ones that work very hard to keep the fabric of society stitched together. As your own self-esteem is gauged by how hard you work you have absolutely zero tolerance for those who seem intent on questioning or destroying the values that you have slaved so hard to maintain. This is also kind of true, actually.
You need to remember that you have the capability to traumatize a person for life. This is a valuable skill when it comes to protecting your territory or setting boundaries but it is not healthy for your children or your spouse. I have the capability to TRAUMATIZE A PERSON FOR LIFE. That's...amazing! I realize this is supposed to be a warning, but actually, it just sounds really cool.
When you are in a sunny mood there is nobody more delightful to be with you. Love radiates from you like the light of the sun and your life is full of love and laughter. You are a respected member of the community and others seek out your approval and advice. Awwww.
Love radiates from me like the sun, and I'm capable of traumatizing people for life. I'd say that's a pretty well-balanced personality, wouldn't you?
My Life Path is 9 (whatever the heck that means):
"You probably feel responsible for keeping up the morality or spirit of mankind in some way, or even responsible for their very souls." Hmmm. Spirit, sure. Morality, not so much, unless you want to count the fact that I get very worked up about things like Flavor of Love and the lyrics of most current popular songs. But it's not so much that I'm worried about people's morality (because frankly, I could care less about how much you want to shake your moneymaker). It's not even that I dislike most of these songs and worry that they're corrupting the youth or whatever. It's just that I think people need to acknowledge that on some level it's all VERY degrading. And then everyong can feel free to enjoy them.
As many nines are also very artistic, this connection with the higher powers might also be expressed through a talent such as writing, music or painting. Well, that's fun. My artistic skills sure don't come in the form of painting, though, that's for sure.
At some point in your life you have probably sworn to yourself to make this world a better place. You are extremely compassionate and feel above the matters that you feel causes factions of society to be divided. You are very aware of feeling as insignificant as a grain of sand in the Universe and believe that materialism, prejudice and lust just don't matter in the long run. Hey, that's actually true.
You have a charismatic and very open personality that attracts you a lot of friends. You are very social, sometimes at the expense of your other responsibilities. Really? Sure, I have friends, but this seems to be implying social butterfly and that is wrong, wrong, wrong.
This triggers a period of time that lasts a few years that is often called the "dark night of the soul." It is usually during this period of your life that you find the extreme courage and strength to become what is called a wounded healer. Oh, GREAT. I can't wait for this to happen.
As you are naturally very lonely and insecure, you are particularly vulnerable to joining a cult or becoming fanatical in the religious sense. Hahahaha. This is one of my favorite parts, because I think we can safely say that in any given group of people I'd probably be voted LEAST likely to become a religious fanatic or join a cult. Also, doesn't this directly contradict the part about being charismatic and having lots of friends? Shockingly, I'm beginning to think this whole reading is a sham.
Now onto my "Expression Number", which is 3, apparently. This is supposed to tell me my Potential Natural Talents and Abilities:
You are at the height of your self-expression when you feel that others are experiencing "being high on life" like you are. One of your personal goals may be to uplift humanity or spread joy or enthusiasm wherever you go. You know how to unite others through the magic of performance, song dance, singing, acting or literature. For this reason, you are fated to entertain others in some way, whether you are in showbiz or not! Well, alright. I like that.
You consider the accumulation of experiences to be your greatest wealth so you may choose a career in which you travel a lot so you can meet as many people and encounter as many different kinds of situations as possible. Wow, Numerology Report, you're right! I'm sorry I called you a sham, I was just kidding!
You often speak in full paragraphs and are a captivating storyteller. Or, you know, I bore the hell out of and/or overwhelm people and they just want me to shut up already. Ask my brother, his favorite thing to tell me is, "You talk to much" (this is coming from Shane, however, who doesn't really speak in complete sentences most of the time...in fact, he mostly just speaks in sound effects)
For this reason many of you make incredible actors, opera singers, teachers or performers. [This has nothing to do with anything, but am I supposed to care that Donald Trump and Rosie O'Donnell are in some kind of feud? Because the TV and the Internet won't shut up about it.]
Threes are often blessed with a natural sense of comic timing as well as rhythm. This makes you an excellent dancer and lover. Thanks, Numerology Report! I'm liking you more and more all the time!
You love philosophy and the old cliches that are true in life so when you feel lost emotionally you rely on wise words to get you through. You rarely take anything that happens to you in life personally, a trait that frustrates your enemies to no end. This ability to let stuff "roll off your back" serves you well in the many complex emotional situations that threes often get into. That's actually true, too. Well, most of the time. Nobody's a duck in the rain all of the time.
Finally, there's my Soul Urge number, which is a 4. What is a "soul urge"? I have no idea:
Your soul craves stability, beauty and order. You are continually distressed by the natural chaos that often describes life and your own life may be entirely devoted to restoring things to balance. That's just a kind way of saying I'm a hyper-organized neat freak. Which is completely, entirely true.
You are decisive, thorough and intolerant by nature and nothing disturbs you more than a messy room, undone dishes or unclipped grass. Your spirit often moves you to accomplish ten times as much as most people would in a day as you set about combating decay and dirt. Am I sensing a theme here?
Life often has you feeling powerless so controlling the little details makes you feel more emotionally secure. Unfortunately this tendency can extend to trying to control the behavior of your family, friends and coworkers. This earns you a reputation for being stern, pushy and stubborn. Alright, Report, chill. I know, I know.
You secretly resent people who seem to be unconventional or free thinkers as you consider yourself to be among the ones that work very hard to keep the fabric of society stitched together. As your own self-esteem is gauged by how hard you work you have absolutely zero tolerance for those who seem intent on questioning or destroying the values that you have slaved so hard to maintain. This is also kind of true, actually.
You need to remember that you have the capability to traumatize a person for life. This is a valuable skill when it comes to protecting your territory or setting boundaries but it is not healthy for your children or your spouse. I have the capability to TRAUMATIZE A PERSON FOR LIFE. That's...amazing! I realize this is supposed to be a warning, but actually, it just sounds really cool.
When you are in a sunny mood there is nobody more delightful to be with you. Love radiates from you like the light of the sun and your life is full of love and laughter. You are a respected member of the community and others seek out your approval and advice. Awwww.
Love radiates from me like the sun, and I'm capable of traumatizing people for life. I'd say that's a pretty well-balanced personality, wouldn't you?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)