On my coffee table at this moment:
The Riverside Shakespeare
An anthology of English Renaissance Drama
My class notebook
Us Weekly
A peanut butter cookie
This laptop with the screen open to Myspace and now Blogger
I wouldn't say the title of this post is entirely a lie, would you?
So, I've been thinking lately about maybe making my blog a bit more pseudonymous. At this point, it would be pretty easy to find me on the internet if you only knew the basics like my name and my field. The only thing I even remotely try to obscure is my location, but even that would be pretty easy to figure out if a reader really wanted to try. And the further I get down this whole "career path" thing, the more I feel like maybe I need to be a bit more cautious about allowing people to find this blog, particularly considering the fact that I'll probably be teaching students next year. I'd like to be big enough to not worry about it, I'd like to be able to just say, "Fuck 'em if they find this and can't handle what they read here, I don't write anything that I'm ashamed to admit in real life." And technically that's true. But I also write a lot about friends, using their real names, and I imagine eventually I'm going to want to write about colleagues and it would just be easier if I felt like I was doing it at least somewhat secretly.
I know it's the internet and by its very nature this blog is never going to be a "secret". That's why I have a personal journal, so that I can keep the truly private stuff private.
But I like keeping a blot, and I'd like to continue to do it. And at this point, I feel like I can either write openly about my studies, my location, my new university, my friends, and my family and start being a bit more careful and cautious about what I'm saying, or I can take on some sort of pseudonym and make up names for people I want to write about a lot and for locations I mention often, and I can stop talking about what exactly it is I do---I can just be a Ph.D. candidate in an unknown field at an unknown university and leave it at that--and then I can write a lot more openly without worrying about the sticky situation of a student or mentor finding my blog.
I already went "undercover" on myspace and facebook for just that reason--I don't want students stumbling upon my profile online. It makes me a little bummed out to think that people that may be looking for me can't find me, but then again, I can find them if I really feel like I need them in my life, you know?
The other benefit to starting a new, more pseudonymous blog, would be that I could give the link to all the friends I'm leaving behind here and then they could stay in touch with me this way, as I already stay in touch with some of you, knowing that they wouldn't come across an entry I'd written about them on this blog that might make them upset (given, off the top of my head I can't think of a single mean thing I've written on this blog about anyone I know, but you never know what some people might interpret as mean or inappropriate).
And since I would have to start a whole new blog if I choose the option of going more under the radar (since this one has far too many identifying details at this point to go back and change them all) I could have a new layout. That's fun.
The cons to starting a new blog? Well, I'd hate abandoning this blog. This would be the second old blog of mine drifting around on the internet. The first one wasn't pseudonymous AT ALL, which is why I finally had to switch over to this one. I felt like I couldn't share that old link with anyone, and what's the point of keeping a journal on the internet if you honestly don't want anyone to read it but you and maybe your best friend (who already knows everything going on in your life anyway)? So I'd hate to have another dead blog out there, 'cause the internet has enough junk on it as it is. I also know, as an avid blog reader (seriously, it's something of an addiction), that I hate when I start reading through someone's archives and find out that their blog has actually existed for a very long time but I can't access any of the old posts anymore because they're at another now defunct site. And truthfully, I kind of hate pseudonyms, too. I admire bloggers who are out there writing under their professional names and not worrying about who might be reading them. Then again, I don't know a single person in academia who is blogging under their real name. The two academic blogs I read whose writers are "out of the closet", so to speak, use their blogs in a purely professional way to post show reviews, book reviews, or other academically-oriented things, and they write little if at all about their real lives. That's not what I want my blog to be.
The other thing about pseudonyms, though, is that I sometimes get frustrated reading those blogs because I spend every day waiting for them to drop a big hint so that I can figure out where they might live or what their job really is or whatever. Seriously, I get far too excited in a completely nerdy way when one of my favorite bloggers slips up and uses a real name instead of a nickname.
And see, I think that would be a problem for me. I think I could keep my identity under wraps for a while, but eventually I'd slip and use a real name. Plus theatre by its nature is so different from most other academic fields that it's going to be hard to keep my studies a secret unless I don't write about them at all, and that's just not going to happen. I'm going to want to write about shows I see, I'm going to want to write about any future productions I get involved with, and that's going to mean that people will know I study theatre. There's not really a way to hide my job, even if I want to.
But I suppose I can at least do a better job of hiding where I am and, more importantly, WHO I am. I think even if readers know what I study, as long as I don't get into my specific specialties too much it should be possible to still retain a pretty good degree of anonymity. I guess I don't mind people suspecting that they know whose blog this is, I just don't want it to be blatantly obvious.
Oh, and by the way, I do realize that a lot of my paranoia about people finding me online is ridiculous. I keep track of my hits (I'm watching you!) and have a pretty good idea of who is reading my nonsense at any given time. I know exactly who 80% of my readers are based on their location, and I have my assumptions about who the lurkers are 'cause at least I know where they're getting here from. So I know I'm mostly worrying about nothing since it's not like this site is even remotely high profile, and it never will be. Heck, it's not even low profile! I write this for my friends and family to be able to keep up with what I'm doing, and I intend for this blog to always have that function.
Still, I guess I'm leaning towards being safe rather than sorry, and I guess this is a roundabout way of saying I'll probably be "moving" again in a few weeks. I'll let this blog take me through the end of the MA, I think, and then I'll start up somewhere new with less identifying details. I'll probably even make up a dumb name for myself. I hate to do that, but even though I have a very common and hard to google name, I still think it's a pretty good bet that I'm one of the only people with my name working on a Ph.D. in theatre.
So yeah. Consider this a warning of changes to come. And yes, I'll post the new link when I move. Obviously I want you to move with me, if you have actually been bothering to read my rants and raves so far.
Monday, April 30, 2007
Sunday, April 29, 2007
Cohen Likes Mike and Ikes
What am I doing right now, you ask?
Well, I'm not reading the four (count 'em, four!) plays I need to read between now and Tuesday night's final exam. I don't know how I got so far behind on my reading the second half of the semester. I guess I really have been pretty slacktastic for the past three weeks. I managed to get through class discussions just by skimming online plot summaries, but now I feel like I actually need to read the plays I just read summaries of before. The thing is, I think I can skip this test entirely and still pass the class. And technically that's all I need to do at this point, just pass so I can graduate. I already got accepted into a Ph.D. program, and I can't imagine my GPA in my MA program is going to be a huge deciding factor in any future job applications I may fill out years from now when I'm on the market for a teaching job (assuming I make it to that point) so I can take a "C" in this class and it really doesn't matter. The thing is, it matters to my pride. If I can get an "A" in this class, then that means my GPA here will have been a perfect 4.0 and that would be sort of cool, even though I'm the only one that would know about it (Well, and whoever is reading this. You would know about it, too, since I told you just now). I'm just having a hard time forcing myself to make the effort to study, though. This is the very last thing I will ever have to do for my MA, and I just can't manage to get excited about it. I guess I'm not really a sprint-for-the finish sort of person.
I'm also not vaccuuming my apartment right now, even though I need to do that. I cleaned the kitchen and bathroom last night and told myself I could quit if I would vacuum and dust the bedroom and living room today, but now I'm not in a cleaning mood. Part of my uncharacteristic lax attitude about cleaning is that I'm getting ready to move. A month from tomorrow I'll be moving out of this apartment. Yikes! About two weeks from now I'll start packing. And I have to do intense cleaning when I move out anyway so I don't get charged for anything, so part of me is thinking, "Why clean now?" I mean, my apartment isn't actually dirty by any means, and it's still neat and organized and looks clean to the naked eye, so why bother? I'm just proud of myself for continuing to do my weekly housekeeping for this long, honestly. When I lived with Katy, we both stopped doing weekly cleaning around, oh, say, March, and we didn't actually move out of that apartment until AUGUST. I guess maybe I should vaccuum this week, though, since I won't be here to clean next weekend and by the weekend after that it will be getting too close to packing and chaos time to bother cleaning.
Speaking of moving, know what else I'm not doing right now? I'm not looking at apartments online, and I'm not comparing the cost of moving companies to figure out which one I should use. Looking at apartments online was just stressing me out, and I decided there's no point in looking online again until right before I go to [insert still undecided nickname for soon-to-be-hometown here] and attempt to find a place to lease. Stuff I like right now might not be available next month anyway, and I don't think there's a need to call an apartment locator to book an appointment this far in advance when most of the time you can just walk in and say, "I want to see some apartments". At least, that's how it works in Texas. As for moving companies, I think I have pretty much convinced my dad that using one of those storage pod companies is worth the extra cost because it will be so much more convenient. (Yes, my dad is paying my moving fees. I'm lucky.) So I may actually get to pack and unpack only once!
I'm not thinking too much about packing yet, but when I do think about it I just confuse myself. I went home to El Paso for my first two summers of college, so twice I packed pretty much everything I owned into a storage unit for the summer and took home only what I needed for three months. I'm doing the exact same thing this time (minus one month, plus one cross-country move, but whatever, close enough). The thing is, the last time I did that was four years ago and I no longer remember how I did it. I felt like I always had tons of clothes at home for the summer, but surely I must have just taken what fit in my two suitcases, right? Did I take home all of my jewelry? Is it worth taking home some of my books or am I fooling myself when I say I'm going to spend the summer brushing up on my theory so I'm ready for the Ph.D. classes (answer: probably)? Did I put all of my shower gel and lotion and stuff into storage for the summer and just borrow my mom's stuff? How did I decide what shoes to bring home and what shoes to say goodbye to for an entire summer? What if I get home and realize the one thing I really, really need is locked in a storage unit 2,000 miles across the country? I hate moving and packing, have I mentioned that? Really? Oh, okay.
Anyway, that's all the stuff I'm not doing. What I have been doing lately is mostly fun, and fun things are happening in the very near future. I spent Friday lying out by the dam with Mandi and Debbie all afternoon and it was a wonderfully lazy day. On Friday night Mandi, Debbie, Richie and I went to our favorite restaurant in the next town over, a kind of touristy restaurant right on the river that has delicious food and great atmosphere. I've been watching my friends' directing scenes and going out for drinks with various friends a lot more often than usual lately (Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, and Friday night this week, and I would have gone out last night, too, except that the restaurant had been insanely busy all day and I got too worn out from working). This Thursday the core group of grad students and I are going to go out to dinner with two of our favorite profs (we decided to invite our three favorite professors out to dinner as sort of an end of the year celebration; two of them happily accepted our invitation but the third probably won't since she's the type that is extremely conscious-almost paranoid, in my opinion-about student/teacher boundaries, which is smart I guess). That should be fun. Then Mandi, Richie, Debbie and I are going to spend the weekend in Galveston. I'm really looking forward to it, and I'm hoping it won't rain this time so we can actually go to the beach. I didn't even SEE the beach when Mandi and I went a few weeks ago since it was so cold and rainy. They are my three favorite people in this program (and three of my favorite people ever, really) and it's going to be great to just relax together all weekend. It will be bittersweet too, though, since this will basically be our last big hurrah before Debbie goes to Stratford and then goes home to stay with her boyfriend for the summer and Richie goes to Canada until August and I go home to El Paso and then never come back. Sigh. Why do you always fall most deeply in love with a place right before it's time to leave it?
Anyway. I guess I should do that cleaning.
Well, I'm not reading the four (count 'em, four!) plays I need to read between now and Tuesday night's final exam. I don't know how I got so far behind on my reading the second half of the semester. I guess I really have been pretty slacktastic for the past three weeks. I managed to get through class discussions just by skimming online plot summaries, but now I feel like I actually need to read the plays I just read summaries of before. The thing is, I think I can skip this test entirely and still pass the class. And technically that's all I need to do at this point, just pass so I can graduate. I already got accepted into a Ph.D. program, and I can't imagine my GPA in my MA program is going to be a huge deciding factor in any future job applications I may fill out years from now when I'm on the market for a teaching job (assuming I make it to that point) so I can take a "C" in this class and it really doesn't matter. The thing is, it matters to my pride. If I can get an "A" in this class, then that means my GPA here will have been a perfect 4.0 and that would be sort of cool, even though I'm the only one that would know about it (Well, and whoever is reading this. You would know about it, too, since I told you just now). I'm just having a hard time forcing myself to make the effort to study, though. This is the very last thing I will ever have to do for my MA, and I just can't manage to get excited about it. I guess I'm not really a sprint-for-the finish sort of person.
I'm also not vaccuuming my apartment right now, even though I need to do that. I cleaned the kitchen and bathroom last night and told myself I could quit if I would vacuum and dust the bedroom and living room today, but now I'm not in a cleaning mood. Part of my uncharacteristic lax attitude about cleaning is that I'm getting ready to move. A month from tomorrow I'll be moving out of this apartment. Yikes! About two weeks from now I'll start packing. And I have to do intense cleaning when I move out anyway so I don't get charged for anything, so part of me is thinking, "Why clean now?" I mean, my apartment isn't actually dirty by any means, and it's still neat and organized and looks clean to the naked eye, so why bother? I'm just proud of myself for continuing to do my weekly housekeeping for this long, honestly. When I lived with Katy, we both stopped doing weekly cleaning around, oh, say, March, and we didn't actually move out of that apartment until AUGUST. I guess maybe I should vaccuum this week, though, since I won't be here to clean next weekend and by the weekend after that it will be getting too close to packing and chaos time to bother cleaning.
Speaking of moving, know what else I'm not doing right now? I'm not looking at apartments online, and I'm not comparing the cost of moving companies to figure out which one I should use. Looking at apartments online was just stressing me out, and I decided there's no point in looking online again until right before I go to [insert still undecided nickname for soon-to-be-hometown here] and attempt to find a place to lease. Stuff I like right now might not be available next month anyway, and I don't think there's a need to call an apartment locator to book an appointment this far in advance when most of the time you can just walk in and say, "I want to see some apartments". At least, that's how it works in Texas. As for moving companies, I think I have pretty much convinced my dad that using one of those storage pod companies is worth the extra cost because it will be so much more convenient. (Yes, my dad is paying my moving fees. I'm lucky.) So I may actually get to pack and unpack only once!
I'm not thinking too much about packing yet, but when I do think about it I just confuse myself. I went home to El Paso for my first two summers of college, so twice I packed pretty much everything I owned into a storage unit for the summer and took home only what I needed for three months. I'm doing the exact same thing this time (minus one month, plus one cross-country move, but whatever, close enough). The thing is, the last time I did that was four years ago and I no longer remember how I did it. I felt like I always had tons of clothes at home for the summer, but surely I must have just taken what fit in my two suitcases, right? Did I take home all of my jewelry? Is it worth taking home some of my books or am I fooling myself when I say I'm going to spend the summer brushing up on my theory so I'm ready for the Ph.D. classes (answer: probably)? Did I put all of my shower gel and lotion and stuff into storage for the summer and just borrow my mom's stuff? How did I decide what shoes to bring home and what shoes to say goodbye to for an entire summer? What if I get home and realize the one thing I really, really need is locked in a storage unit 2,000 miles across the country? I hate moving and packing, have I mentioned that? Really? Oh, okay.
Anyway, that's all the stuff I'm not doing. What I have been doing lately is mostly fun, and fun things are happening in the very near future. I spent Friday lying out by the dam with Mandi and Debbie all afternoon and it was a wonderfully lazy day. On Friday night Mandi, Debbie, Richie and I went to our favorite restaurant in the next town over, a kind of touristy restaurant right on the river that has delicious food and great atmosphere. I've been watching my friends' directing scenes and going out for drinks with various friends a lot more often than usual lately (Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, and Friday night this week, and I would have gone out last night, too, except that the restaurant had been insanely busy all day and I got too worn out from working). This Thursday the core group of grad students and I are going to go out to dinner with two of our favorite profs (we decided to invite our three favorite professors out to dinner as sort of an end of the year celebration; two of them happily accepted our invitation but the third probably won't since she's the type that is extremely conscious-almost paranoid, in my opinion-about student/teacher boundaries, which is smart I guess). That should be fun. Then Mandi, Richie, Debbie and I are going to spend the weekend in Galveston. I'm really looking forward to it, and I'm hoping it won't rain this time so we can actually go to the beach. I didn't even SEE the beach when Mandi and I went a few weeks ago since it was so cold and rainy. They are my three favorite people in this program (and three of my favorite people ever, really) and it's going to be great to just relax together all weekend. It will be bittersweet too, though, since this will basically be our last big hurrah before Debbie goes to Stratford and then goes home to stay with her boyfriend for the summer and Richie goes to Canada until August and I go home to El Paso and then never come back. Sigh. Why do you always fall most deeply in love with a place right before it's time to leave it?
Anyway. I guess I should do that cleaning.
Thursday, April 26, 2007
Top 100 of 2001
Sorry for doing two memes in a row, but I don't have anything better to do and this one looks like it will be entertaining for me. (Maybe not for you, though. Sorry, you don't have to read it.)
Anyway, the point of this one is that you find the top 100 songs the year you graduated from high school and then you mark the ones you liked and the ones you didn't like.
I put the songs I like in bold and the songs I didn't like in italics. The ones that were "eh, take it or leave it" I left alone. And I wrote in brackets if I don't think I ever knew the song (or at least can't remember it anymore off the top of my head).
Incidentally, as I initially looked over this list I realized that a lot of these songs remind me more of my first semester of college than they do of my last semester of high school, but I guess that's the point since it was the year I graduated and I graduated in May...
1. Lady Marmalade Christina Aguilera, Lil' Kim, Mya & Pink
2. Fallin', Alicia Keys
3. I'm Real, Jennifer Lopez
4. Family Affair, Mary J. Blige
5. Butterfly, Crazy Town [Chelsea HATED this song and we used to fight over whether or not to listen to it every time it came on the radio. It's a really, really stupid song, and I realize that. But, uh, it's catchy. It's in my mp3 player nowadays, in fact]
6. Thank You, Dido [Although this song was a major victim of radio over-play]
7. Don't Tell Me, Madonna [Ah yes, the cowgirl phase, my least favorite Madonna moment, actually. But I did like this song]
8. He Loves U Not, Dream [Don't remember this group at all]
9. Gone, 'N Sync
10. Love Don't Cost A Thing, Jennifer Lopez
11. Hero, Enrique Iglesias [I could not possibly hate this song more]
12. Hanging By A Moment, Lifehouse [I saw them in concert in April of 2001. I guess they were one hit wonders, huh?]
13. Drops Of Jupiter, Train [My mom really liked this song]
14. Jaded, Aerosmith
15. U Remind Me, Usher
16. Hit 'Em Up Style, Blu Cantrell [This song reminds me of the first road trip I ever took with my college roommate, Katy. We drove to Abilene to visit her family for Labor Day and I remember us singing to this in the car. We barely knew each other then!]
17. Survivor, Destiny's Child
18. It Wasn't Me. Shaggy featuring Ricardo "Rikrok" Ducent [This was a take-it-or-leave it song for me, but I'm pretty positive this actually came out in 2000, 'cause I remember laughing about it with my family when we went to New Jersey for Thanksgiving that year]
19. All For You, Janet Jackson
20. Angel, Shaggy featuring Rayvon
21. Turn Off The Light, Nelly Furtado
22. All Or Nothing, O-Town [I don't remember this song, I think I actively avoided O-Town as much as possible]
23. How You Remind Me, Nickelback [And then after this, Nickelback began sucking and hasn't stopped sucking since]
24. Someone To Call My Lover, Janet Jackson [Don't remember this one]
25. Fill Me In, Craig David [Don't remember this one, either]
26. It's Been Awhile, Staind [The summer between high school and college, Mike and I would hang out at my house a lot late at night and we watched a lot of late night MTV. This video was always on. It's a little bittersweet to think about it now.]
27. I'm Like A Bird, Nelly Furtado
28. Bootylicious, Destiny's Child [This would come on at Cowboys, this really ghetto club in Arlington that the girls on my dorm wing and I would hang out at sometimes. Everyone would flock to the dance floor]
29. Again, Lenny Kravitz
30. Let Me Blow Ya Mind, Eve featuring Gwen Stefani
31. Everywhere, Michelle Branch [To this day I can't listen to this song without feeling like I'm about to cry. It just reminds me too much of my first semester of college when I was so homesick from missing Mike. I listened to it all the time then, so I can't listen to it now]
32. Stutter, Joe featuring Mystikal [Don't remember this one]
33. Irresistable , Jessica Simpson
34. I Hope You Dance, Lee Ann Womack [HATE IT. And of course our class valedictorian quoted it in her commencement speech, as did probably every other sappy valedictorian of the class of 2001. So cliche.]
35. Nobody Wants To Be Lonely, Ricky Martin & Christina Aguilera [I don't remember this song, either, but considering it has Ricky Martin involved I probably wouldn't have liked it]
36. Here's To The Night, Eve 6
37. Beautiful Day, U2 [This was my class song. But I actually didn't vote for it]
38. Emotion, Destiny's Child
39. Superman (It's Not Easy), Five For Fighting
40. Southside, Moby with Gwen Stefani [Although I liked this song a lot more before it featured Gwen Stefani]
41. The Space Between, Dave Matthews Band [I also get too sad when I listen to this song now. Again with the Mike thing. I think even once I've been married to another guy for years, these songs will still make me sad, just because I associate them so strongly with that bummed out, homesick feeling]
42. Play, Jennifer Lopez [2001 was a very big year for J. Lo, obviously]
43. When It's Over, Sugar Ray
44. Drive, Incubus [This was the song I wanted to be our class song. I considered it sort of my "going out on my own into the big unknown world" anthem. In retrospect, I'm kinda glad it didn't win because apparently lots of classes used this song that year, and I have yet to come across someone else whose class song was Beautiful Day. And don't ask me why high school class song has even come up in conversations I have been in before, but it has. Ha.]
45. More Than That, Backstreet Boys
46. What Would You, Do City High [Don't remember this one]
47. Be Like That, 3 Doors Down
48. I Wanna Be Bad ,Willa Ford [Don't remember this one, either]
49. Peaches & Cream , 112 [Chelsea loved this song. I hated it. It was exactly like Butterfly for us, but vice versa]
50. Ride Wit Me, Nelly
51. Only Time, Enya
52. Where The Party At, Jagged Edge with Nelly
53. Standing Still, Jewel
54. Pop, 'N Sync
55. This Is Me , Dream [Who the hell was Dream?]
56. Never Had A Dream Come True, S Club 7 [Chelsea liked S Club 7. Wasn't there a TV show featuring them or something? I don't actually remember this song]
57. Crazy, K-Ci & JoJo
58. You Make Me Sick, Pink
59. What It Feels Like For A Girl, Madonna
60. E.I., Nelly [I guess I used to like Nelly]
61. Dig In, Lenny Kravitz
62. Get Ur Freak On, Missy Elliott [Still on my mp3 player, still played often]
63. Breathless, The Corrs
64. Every Other Time, LFO
65. Yellow, Coldplay
66. Best I Ever Had (Grey Sky Morning), Vertical Horizon
67. One Minute Man, Missy Elliott
68. I Do, Toya [Wow, I don't remember a lot of these songs]
69. Fly Away From Here, Aerosmith
70. I'm A Slave 4 U, Britney Spears
71. Smooth Criminal, Alien Ant Farm [This one reminds me of late night MTV-watching with Mike, too]
72. Still On Your Side, BBMak [Haha, BBMak! Whatever happened to those guys?!]
73. No More (Baby I'ma Do Right), 3LW [Don't remember this one]
74. My Everything, 98 Degrees [Weren't boy bands kinda on the way out by 2001, thank god?]
75. Ms. Jackson, Outkast
76. Start The Commotion, The Wiseguys
77. Free, Mya [Yet another song I don't remember...I bet I'd recall some of these if I heard them, though]
78. Baby, Come On Over (This Is Our Night), Samantha Mumba
79. Hemmorhage (In My Hands), Fuel [This one definitely first got popular in 2000 because it reminds me of the summer I spent dating Eric]
80. Drowning, Backstreet Boys
81. Around The World (La La La…), ATC
82. Thank You For Loving Me, Bon Jovi
83. AM To PM, Christina Milian [Don't remember this one, either!]
84. Izzo (H.O.V.A.), Jay-Z
85. Flavor Of The Week, American Hi-Fi
86. What's Going On, All Star Tribute
87. Stronger, Britney Spears
88. One More Time, Daft Punk
89. I'm A Believer, Smash Mouth
90. We Fit Together, O-Town
91. Differences, Ginuwine
92. Follow Me, Uncle Kracker
93. There You'll Be, Faith Hill
94. So In Love With Two, Mikaila [Don't remember this one]
95. In My Pocket, Mandy Moore [There was something extremely stupid about this song. I can't remember what made it so stupid, but maybe that's a good thing. I just know I didn't like it.]
96. Mad Season, Matchbox 20 [Saw them in the same concert where I saw Lifehouse]
97. Bad Day, Fuel
98. What's Your Fantasy Ludacris [This song then went on to be played at every single party I ever attended in college]
99. Liquid Dreams, O-Town [Technically I don't recall this song, either, but since it's O Town I probably hated it]
100. Babylon, David Gray
P.S.-I kind of can't believe I have already been out of high school for almost six years. Only four more years until we have to have a reunion and brag to each other about how much we have accomplished in ten years while pretending we're not actually bragging and comparing achievements. Ha. Actually, do high schools even do reunions anymore?
Anyway, the point of this one is that you find the top 100 songs the year you graduated from high school and then you mark the ones you liked and the ones you didn't like.
I put the songs I like in bold and the songs I didn't like in italics. The ones that were "eh, take it or leave it" I left alone. And I wrote in brackets if I don't think I ever knew the song (or at least can't remember it anymore off the top of my head).
Incidentally, as I initially looked over this list I realized that a lot of these songs remind me more of my first semester of college than they do of my last semester of high school, but I guess that's the point since it was the year I graduated and I graduated in May...
1. Lady Marmalade Christina Aguilera, Lil' Kim, Mya & Pink
2. Fallin', Alicia Keys
3. I'm Real, Jennifer Lopez
4. Family Affair, Mary J. Blige
5. Butterfly, Crazy Town [Chelsea HATED this song and we used to fight over whether or not to listen to it every time it came on the radio. It's a really, really stupid song, and I realize that. But, uh, it's catchy. It's in my mp3 player nowadays, in fact]
6. Thank You, Dido [Although this song was a major victim of radio over-play]
7. Don't Tell Me, Madonna [Ah yes, the cowgirl phase, my least favorite Madonna moment, actually. But I did like this song]
8. He Loves U Not, Dream [Don't remember this group at all]
9. Gone, 'N Sync
10. Love Don't Cost A Thing, Jennifer Lopez
11. Hero, Enrique Iglesias [I could not possibly hate this song more]
12. Hanging By A Moment, Lifehouse [I saw them in concert in April of 2001. I guess they were one hit wonders, huh?]
13. Drops Of Jupiter, Train [My mom really liked this song]
14. Jaded, Aerosmith
15. U Remind Me, Usher
16. Hit 'Em Up Style, Blu Cantrell [This song reminds me of the first road trip I ever took with my college roommate, Katy. We drove to Abilene to visit her family for Labor Day and I remember us singing to this in the car. We barely knew each other then!]
17. Survivor, Destiny's Child
18. It Wasn't Me. Shaggy featuring Ricardo "Rikrok" Ducent [This was a take-it-or-leave it song for me, but I'm pretty positive this actually came out in 2000, 'cause I remember laughing about it with my family when we went to New Jersey for Thanksgiving that year]
19. All For You, Janet Jackson
20. Angel, Shaggy featuring Rayvon
21. Turn Off The Light, Nelly Furtado
22. All Or Nothing, O-Town [I don't remember this song, I think I actively avoided O-Town as much as possible]
23. How You Remind Me, Nickelback [And then after this, Nickelback began sucking and hasn't stopped sucking since]
24. Someone To Call My Lover, Janet Jackson [Don't remember this one]
25. Fill Me In, Craig David [Don't remember this one, either]
26. It's Been Awhile, Staind [The summer between high school and college, Mike and I would hang out at my house a lot late at night and we watched a lot of late night MTV. This video was always on. It's a little bittersweet to think about it now.]
27. I'm Like A Bird, Nelly Furtado
28. Bootylicious, Destiny's Child [This would come on at Cowboys, this really ghetto club in Arlington that the girls on my dorm wing and I would hang out at sometimes. Everyone would flock to the dance floor]
29. Again, Lenny Kravitz
30. Let Me Blow Ya Mind, Eve featuring Gwen Stefani
31. Everywhere, Michelle Branch [To this day I can't listen to this song without feeling like I'm about to cry. It just reminds me too much of my first semester of college when I was so homesick from missing Mike. I listened to it all the time then, so I can't listen to it now]
32. Stutter, Joe featuring Mystikal [Don't remember this one]
33. Irresistable , Jessica Simpson
34. I Hope You Dance, Lee Ann Womack [HATE IT. And of course our class valedictorian quoted it in her commencement speech, as did probably every other sappy valedictorian of the class of 2001. So cliche.]
35. Nobody Wants To Be Lonely, Ricky Martin & Christina Aguilera [I don't remember this song, either, but considering it has Ricky Martin involved I probably wouldn't have liked it]
36. Here's To The Night, Eve 6
37. Beautiful Day, U2 [This was my class song. But I actually didn't vote for it]
38. Emotion, Destiny's Child
39. Superman (It's Not Easy), Five For Fighting
40. Southside, Moby with Gwen Stefani [Although I liked this song a lot more before it featured Gwen Stefani]
41. The Space Between, Dave Matthews Band [I also get too sad when I listen to this song now. Again with the Mike thing. I think even once I've been married to another guy for years, these songs will still make me sad, just because I associate them so strongly with that bummed out, homesick feeling]
42. Play, Jennifer Lopez [2001 was a very big year for J. Lo, obviously]
43. When It's Over, Sugar Ray
44. Drive, Incubus [This was the song I wanted to be our class song. I considered it sort of my "going out on my own into the big unknown world" anthem. In retrospect, I'm kinda glad it didn't win because apparently lots of classes used this song that year, and I have yet to come across someone else whose class song was Beautiful Day. And don't ask me why high school class song has even come up in conversations I have been in before, but it has. Ha.]
45. More Than That, Backstreet Boys
46. What Would You, Do City High [Don't remember this one]
47. Be Like That, 3 Doors Down
48. I Wanna Be Bad ,Willa Ford [Don't remember this one, either]
49. Peaches & Cream , 112 [Chelsea loved this song. I hated it. It was exactly like Butterfly for us, but vice versa]
50. Ride Wit Me, Nelly
51. Only Time, Enya
52. Where The Party At, Jagged Edge with Nelly
53. Standing Still, Jewel
54. Pop, 'N Sync
55. This Is Me , Dream [Who the hell was Dream?]
56. Never Had A Dream Come True, S Club 7 [Chelsea liked S Club 7. Wasn't there a TV show featuring them or something? I don't actually remember this song]
57. Crazy, K-Ci & JoJo
58. You Make Me Sick, Pink
59. What It Feels Like For A Girl, Madonna
60. E.I., Nelly [I guess I used to like Nelly]
61. Dig In, Lenny Kravitz
62. Get Ur Freak On, Missy Elliott [Still on my mp3 player, still played often]
63. Breathless, The Corrs
64. Every Other Time, LFO
65. Yellow, Coldplay
66. Best I Ever Had (Grey Sky Morning), Vertical Horizon
67. One Minute Man, Missy Elliott
68. I Do, Toya [Wow, I don't remember a lot of these songs]
69. Fly Away From Here, Aerosmith
70. I'm A Slave 4 U, Britney Spears
71. Smooth Criminal, Alien Ant Farm [This one reminds me of late night MTV-watching with Mike, too]
72. Still On Your Side, BBMak [Haha, BBMak! Whatever happened to those guys?!]
73. No More (Baby I'ma Do Right), 3LW [Don't remember this one]
74. My Everything, 98 Degrees [Weren't boy bands kinda on the way out by 2001, thank god?]
75. Ms. Jackson, Outkast
76. Start The Commotion, The Wiseguys
77. Free, Mya [Yet another song I don't remember...I bet I'd recall some of these if I heard them, though]
78. Baby, Come On Over (This Is Our Night), Samantha Mumba
79. Hemmorhage (In My Hands), Fuel [This one definitely first got popular in 2000 because it reminds me of the summer I spent dating Eric]
80. Drowning, Backstreet Boys
81. Around The World (La La La…), ATC
82. Thank You For Loving Me, Bon Jovi
83. AM To PM, Christina Milian [Don't remember this one, either!]
84. Izzo (H.O.V.A.), Jay-Z
85. Flavor Of The Week, American Hi-Fi
86. What's Going On, All Star Tribute
87. Stronger, Britney Spears
88. One More Time, Daft Punk
89. I'm A Believer, Smash Mouth
90. We Fit Together, O-Town
91. Differences, Ginuwine
92. Follow Me, Uncle Kracker
93. There You'll Be, Faith Hill
94. So In Love With Two, Mikaila [Don't remember this one]
95. In My Pocket, Mandy Moore [There was something extremely stupid about this song. I can't remember what made it so stupid, but maybe that's a good thing. I just know I didn't like it.]
96. Mad Season, Matchbox 20 [Saw them in the same concert where I saw Lifehouse]
97. Bad Day, Fuel
98. What's Your Fantasy Ludacris [This song then went on to be played at every single party I ever attended in college]
99. Liquid Dreams, O-Town [Technically I don't recall this song, either, but since it's O Town I probably hated it]
100. Babylon, David Gray
P.S.-I kind of can't believe I have already been out of high school for almost six years. Only four more years until we have to have a reunion and brag to each other about how much we have accomplished in ten years while pretending we're not actually bragging and comparing achievements. Ha. Actually, do high schools even do reunions anymore?
Wednesday, April 25, 2007
Children's Book Meme
This meme went around months ago but I never did it. I'm feeling a bit nostalgic tonight, though, and thought it would be fun to do this. These are the National Education Association's top 100 Books. I've bolded the ones I remember reading when I was growing up, and added comments where I felt like it.
1. Charlotte's Web by E. B. White [I also watched the animated video of this story about a million times when I was a kid]
2. The Polar Express by Chris Van Allsburg [I still read this one every Christmas]
3. Green Eggs and Ham by Dr. Seuss
4. The Cat in the Hat by Dr. Seuss
5. Where the Wild Things Are by Maurice Sendak [When Shane was a baby and Mom was busy with him, Dad got into the habit of getting me and Chelsea ready for bed every night and reading our bedtime story (every night he wasn't closing the restaurant, anyway). Then once Shane was older, Dad still kept his role as Bedtime Story Reader. We'd all pile into one of our beds, alternating rooms every night, and Dad would sit in the middle and read. This was one of our favorites 'cause Dad would do funny voices during the whole "and they gnashed their terrible teeth" part]
6. Love You Forever by Robert N. Munsch [My third grade class read this story aloud at a Mother's Day Tea]
7. The Giving Tree by Shel Silverstein
8. The Very Hungry Caterpillar by Eric Carle
9. Where the Red Fern Grows by Wilson Rawls [We had to read this in 5th grade, and I remember everyone cried, even some of the boys, which was a big deal in 5th grade]
10. The Mitten by Jan Brett
11. Goodnight Moon by Margaret Wise Brown [My favorite when I was really little]
12. Hatchet by Gary Paulsen
13. The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe by C. S. Lewis [I kind of can't believe I have never read this]
14. Where the Sidewalk Ends: the Poems and Drawing of Shel Silverstein by Shel Silverstein
15. Bridge to Terabithia by Katherine Paterson [I was sure I read this book in 4th or 5th grade, but then the film version came out a few months ago and nothing in those previews triggered any memories of what I thought this book was actually about. So they either changed the story entirely for the purposes of the movie, or I'm remembering another book and thinking it's this one]
16. Stellaluna by Janell Cannon
17. Oh, The Places You'll Go by Dr. Seuss [I was actually pretty much an adult when I read this book for the first time since it was a high school graduation gift from my student council sponsors]
18. Strega Nona by Tomie De Paola
19. Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day by Judith Viorst
20. Brown Bear, Brown Bear, What do you see? by Bill Martin, Jr.
21. Charlie and the Chocolate Factory by Roald Dahl
22. The Velveteen Rabbit by Margery Williams
23. A Wrinkle in Time by Madeleine L'Engle [I did a book report on this in 6th grade. I remember I made a poster with all the imaginary planets on it, but now I can't actually remember the story, or if I even liked it]
24. Shiloh by Phyllis Reynolds Naylor [I had this book but never read it]
25. How the Grinch Stole Christmas by Dr. Seuss [I don't think I've ever actually read the book, just seen the animated version, but I think that's the entire book so I'll count it]
26. The True Story of the Three Little Pigs by Jon Scieszka
27. Chicka Chicka Boom Boom by John Archambault
28. Little House on the Prarie by Laura Ingalls Wilder
29. The Secret Garden by Frances Hodgson Burnett
30. The Complete Tales of Winnie the Pooh by A. A. Milne
31. The Boxcar Children by Gertrude Chandler Warner [Shane went through a Boxcar Children phase]
32. Sarah, Plain and Tall by Patricia MacLachlan [I still love this book, it's beautifully written]
33. Indian in the Cupboard by Lynne Reid Banks
34. Island of the Blue Dolphins by Scott O'Dell [Another one we had to read in 5th grade]
35. Maniac Magee by Jerry Spinelli
36. The BFG by Roald Dahl
37. The Giver by Lois Lowry [I know I read this to get Accelerated Reader points in 7th grade (did everyone do AR, or was that just an El Paso thing? Or even just something at my particular middle school?) and I know that this book really freaked me out for some reason, but now I can't remember it well enough to recall why it scared me]
38. If You Give a Mouse a Cookie by Laura Joffe Numeroff
39. James and the Giant Peach: A Children's Story by Roald Dahl [All Roald Dahl books freak me out. I couldn't even finish reading The Witches when I was a kid because it terrified me. As for all of his other books, my feelings about Roald Dahl books are the same as my feelings about Tim Burton movies: I appreciate them and think that they're good art/literature, and I even kind of like them, but I can't fully enjoy them because they just make me feel weird. It's a primal feeling I can't even articulate, but they bother me somehow]
40. Little House in the Big Woods by Laura Ingalls Wilder
41. Roll of Thunder, Hear My Cry by Mildred D. Taylor
42. The Hobbit by J. R. R. Tolkien [This gets halfway highlighted because I started this but never finished it. I've never made it through an entire Tolkien book, I lose patience with his stuff for some reason...and it's not that his books are too detailed, because normally I love the unnecessary details]
43. The Lorax by Dr. Seuss [I was really crazy about the Lorax for a while. I thought he was cute. I even had a Lorax t-shirt, 'cause I was just that nerdy]
44. Stone Fox by John Reynolds Gardiner
45. Number the Stars by Lois Lowry [I still have this book in my bedroom at my parents' house, and I re-read it almost every time I go home to visit]
46. Mrs. Frisby and the Rats of Nimh by Robert C. O'Brien
47. Little Women by Louisa May Alcott [I love this one as well. I have my mom's old copy, and it is falling to pieces and I've taped the cover back onto it a dozen times. I really should find myself a less battered copy, because I'll probably keep re-reading it forever, too]
48. The Rainbow Fish by Marcus Pfister
49. Amazing Grace by Mary Hoffman
50. The Best Christmas Pageant Ever by Barbara Robinson
51. Corduroy by Don Freeman
52. Jumanji by Chris Van Allsburg [The movie version of this book really sucked, by the way. The entire mood of the book was lost]
53. Math Curse by Jon Scieszka
54. Matilda by Roald Dahl
55. Summer of the Monkeys by Wilson Rawls
56. Tales of a Fourth Grade Nothing by Judy Blume [I love Judy Blume, both for young adult and adult fiction]
57. Ramona Quimby, Age 8 by Beverly Cleary [I had all of Beverly Cleary's books when I was little]
58. The Trumpet of the Swan by E. B. White [Yet another book we read for class in the 5th grade]
59. Are You My Mother? by Philip D. Eastman
60. The Chronicles of Narnia by C. S. Lewis [Yup, haven't read this one, either]
61. Make Way for Ducklings by Robert McCloskey [One of my very favorites]
62. One Fish Two Fish Red Fish Blue Fish by Dr. Seuss
63. The Phantom Tollbooth by Norton Juster
64. The Snowy Day by Ezra Jack Keats
65. The Napping House by Audrey Wood
66. Sylvester and the Magic Pebble by William Steig
67. The Tale of Peter Rabbit by Beatrix Potter [Although I preferred The Tale of Benjamin Bunny]
68. Tuck Everlasting by Natalie Babbitt [Whaddaya know, another book that scared me! I didn't like this one because there was too much talk about living forever, and the whole concept of "forever" has never sat well with me]
69. The Wizard of Oz by L. Frank Baum [I kind of can't believe I've never read this one, either]
70. Anne of Green Gables by Lucy Maud Montgomery
71. Horton Hatches the Egg by Dr. Seuss
72. Basil of Baker Street, by Eve Titus
73. The Little Engine That Could by Watty Piper
74. The Cay by Theodore Taylor [Another one I had but never read. I think at one point I got a boxed set of children's classics for my birthday and was only interested in about half of them. Shiloh came in that same set, I think. Ha.]
75. Curious George by Hans Augusto Rey [I used to make Mom read this one to me a lot, I was really fascinated by the part where Curious George was in the hospital bed with his leg in a cast. And also the part where he washed windows]
76. Wilfred Gordon McDonald Partridge by Mem Fox
77. Arthur series by Marc Tolon Brown [This is another series my little brother liked a lot, so I'd read them for him]
78. The Great Gilly Hopkins by Katherine Paterson
79. Lilly's Purple Plastic Purse by Kevin Henkes
80. Little House books by Laura Ingalls Wilder
81. The Little House by Virginia Lee Burton
82. The Runaway Bunny by Margaret Wise Brown
83. Sideways Stories from Wayside School by Louis Sachar [I remember everyone used to fight over who could check this one out on library day at school]
84. Amelia Bedelia by Peggy Parish
85. Harriet the Spy by Louise Fitzhugh
86. A Light in the Attic by Shel Silverstein
87. Mr. Popper's Penguins by Richard Atwater
88. My Father's Dragon by Ruth Stiles Gannett
89. Stuart Little by E. B. White
90. Walk Two Moons by Sharon Creech
91. The Witch of Blackbird Pond by Elizabeth George Speare [I've been having a strange craving to re-read this book lately, don't ask me why]
92. The Art Lesson by Tomie De Paola
93. Caps for Sale by Esphyr Slobodkina [Yet another Shane favorite. Considering how much it seems like he liked to read when we were little, it's kind of a shame that now he only reads the sports page]
94. Clifford, the Big Red Dog by Norman Bridwell
95. Heidi by Johanna Spyri [Yet another book I had but never read]
96. Horton Hears a Who by Dr. Seuss
97. The Sign of the Beaver by Elizabeth George Speare
98. The Watsons Go to Birmingham-1963 by Christopher Paul Curtis
99. Guess How Much I Love You by Sam McBratney
100. The Paper Bag Princess by Robert N. Munsch
1. Charlotte's Web by E. B. White [I also watched the animated video of this story about a million times when I was a kid]
2. The Polar Express by Chris Van Allsburg [I still read this one every Christmas]
3. Green Eggs and Ham by Dr. Seuss
4. The Cat in the Hat by Dr. Seuss
5. Where the Wild Things Are by Maurice Sendak [When Shane was a baby and Mom was busy with him, Dad got into the habit of getting me and Chelsea ready for bed every night and reading our bedtime story (every night he wasn't closing the restaurant, anyway). Then once Shane was older, Dad still kept his role as Bedtime Story Reader. We'd all pile into one of our beds, alternating rooms every night, and Dad would sit in the middle and read. This was one of our favorites 'cause Dad would do funny voices during the whole "and they gnashed their terrible teeth" part]
6. Love You Forever by Robert N. Munsch [My third grade class read this story aloud at a Mother's Day Tea]
7. The Giving Tree by Shel Silverstein
8. The Very Hungry Caterpillar by Eric Carle
9. Where the Red Fern Grows by Wilson Rawls [We had to read this in 5th grade, and I remember everyone cried, even some of the boys, which was a big deal in 5th grade]
10. The Mitten by Jan Brett
11. Goodnight Moon by Margaret Wise Brown [My favorite when I was really little]
12. Hatchet by Gary Paulsen
13. The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe by C. S. Lewis [I kind of can't believe I have never read this]
14. Where the Sidewalk Ends: the Poems and Drawing of Shel Silverstein by Shel Silverstein
15. Bridge to Terabithia by Katherine Paterson [I was sure I read this book in 4th or 5th grade, but then the film version came out a few months ago and nothing in those previews triggered any memories of what I thought this book was actually about. So they either changed the story entirely for the purposes of the movie, or I'm remembering another book and thinking it's this one]
16. Stellaluna by Janell Cannon
17. Oh, The Places You'll Go by Dr. Seuss [I was actually pretty much an adult when I read this book for the first time since it was a high school graduation gift from my student council sponsors]
18. Strega Nona by Tomie De Paola
19. Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day by Judith Viorst
20. Brown Bear, Brown Bear, What do you see? by Bill Martin, Jr.
21. Charlie and the Chocolate Factory by Roald Dahl
22. The Velveteen Rabbit by Margery Williams
23. A Wrinkle in Time by Madeleine L'Engle [I did a book report on this in 6th grade. I remember I made a poster with all the imaginary planets on it, but now I can't actually remember the story, or if I even liked it]
24. Shiloh by Phyllis Reynolds Naylor [I had this book but never read it]
25. How the Grinch Stole Christmas by Dr. Seuss [I don't think I've ever actually read the book, just seen the animated version, but I think that's the entire book so I'll count it]
26. The True Story of the Three Little Pigs by Jon Scieszka
27. Chicka Chicka Boom Boom by John Archambault
28. Little House on the Prarie by Laura Ingalls Wilder
29. The Secret Garden by Frances Hodgson Burnett
30. The Complete Tales of Winnie the Pooh by A. A. Milne
31. The Boxcar Children by Gertrude Chandler Warner [Shane went through a Boxcar Children phase]
32. Sarah, Plain and Tall by Patricia MacLachlan [I still love this book, it's beautifully written]
33. Indian in the Cupboard by Lynne Reid Banks
34. Island of the Blue Dolphins by Scott O'Dell [Another one we had to read in 5th grade]
35. Maniac Magee by Jerry Spinelli
36. The BFG by Roald Dahl
37. The Giver by Lois Lowry [I know I read this to get Accelerated Reader points in 7th grade (did everyone do AR, or was that just an El Paso thing? Or even just something at my particular middle school?) and I know that this book really freaked me out for some reason, but now I can't remember it well enough to recall why it scared me]
38. If You Give a Mouse a Cookie by Laura Joffe Numeroff
39. James and the Giant Peach: A Children's Story by Roald Dahl [All Roald Dahl books freak me out. I couldn't even finish reading The Witches when I was a kid because it terrified me. As for all of his other books, my feelings about Roald Dahl books are the same as my feelings about Tim Burton movies: I appreciate them and think that they're good art/literature, and I even kind of like them, but I can't fully enjoy them because they just make me feel weird. It's a primal feeling I can't even articulate, but they bother me somehow]
40. Little House in the Big Woods by Laura Ingalls Wilder
41. Roll of Thunder, Hear My Cry by Mildred D. Taylor
42. The Hobbit by J. R. R. Tolkien [This gets halfway highlighted because I started this but never finished it. I've never made it through an entire Tolkien book, I lose patience with his stuff for some reason...and it's not that his books are too detailed, because normally I love the unnecessary details]
43. The Lorax by Dr. Seuss [I was really crazy about the Lorax for a while. I thought he was cute. I even had a Lorax t-shirt, 'cause I was just that nerdy]
44. Stone Fox by John Reynolds Gardiner
45. Number the Stars by Lois Lowry [I still have this book in my bedroom at my parents' house, and I re-read it almost every time I go home to visit]
46. Mrs. Frisby and the Rats of Nimh by Robert C. O'Brien
47. Little Women by Louisa May Alcott [I love this one as well. I have my mom's old copy, and it is falling to pieces and I've taped the cover back onto it a dozen times. I really should find myself a less battered copy, because I'll probably keep re-reading it forever, too]
48. The Rainbow Fish by Marcus Pfister
49. Amazing Grace by Mary Hoffman
50. The Best Christmas Pageant Ever by Barbara Robinson
51. Corduroy by Don Freeman
52. Jumanji by Chris Van Allsburg [The movie version of this book really sucked, by the way. The entire mood of the book was lost]
53. Math Curse by Jon Scieszka
54. Matilda by Roald Dahl
55. Summer of the Monkeys by Wilson Rawls
56. Tales of a Fourth Grade Nothing by Judy Blume [I love Judy Blume, both for young adult and adult fiction]
57. Ramona Quimby, Age 8 by Beverly Cleary [I had all of Beverly Cleary's books when I was little]
58. The Trumpet of the Swan by E. B. White [Yet another book we read for class in the 5th grade]
59. Are You My Mother? by Philip D. Eastman
60. The Chronicles of Narnia by C. S. Lewis [Yup, haven't read this one, either]
61. Make Way for Ducklings by Robert McCloskey [One of my very favorites]
62. One Fish Two Fish Red Fish Blue Fish by Dr. Seuss
63. The Phantom Tollbooth by Norton Juster
64. The Snowy Day by Ezra Jack Keats
65. The Napping House by Audrey Wood
66. Sylvester and the Magic Pebble by William Steig
67. The Tale of Peter Rabbit by Beatrix Potter [Although I preferred The Tale of Benjamin Bunny]
68. Tuck Everlasting by Natalie Babbitt [Whaddaya know, another book that scared me! I didn't like this one because there was too much talk about living forever, and the whole concept of "forever" has never sat well with me]
69. The Wizard of Oz by L. Frank Baum [I kind of can't believe I've never read this one, either]
70. Anne of Green Gables by Lucy Maud Montgomery
71. Horton Hatches the Egg by Dr. Seuss
72. Basil of Baker Street, by Eve Titus
73. The Little Engine That Could by Watty Piper
74. The Cay by Theodore Taylor [Another one I had but never read. I think at one point I got a boxed set of children's classics for my birthday and was only interested in about half of them. Shiloh came in that same set, I think. Ha.]
75. Curious George by Hans Augusto Rey [I used to make Mom read this one to me a lot, I was really fascinated by the part where Curious George was in the hospital bed with his leg in a cast. And also the part where he washed windows]
76. Wilfred Gordon McDonald Partridge by Mem Fox
77. Arthur series by Marc Tolon Brown [This is another series my little brother liked a lot, so I'd read them for him]
78. The Great Gilly Hopkins by Katherine Paterson
79. Lilly's Purple Plastic Purse by Kevin Henkes
80. Little House books by Laura Ingalls Wilder
81. The Little House by Virginia Lee Burton
82. The Runaway Bunny by Margaret Wise Brown
83. Sideways Stories from Wayside School by Louis Sachar [I remember everyone used to fight over who could check this one out on library day at school]
84. Amelia Bedelia by Peggy Parish
85. Harriet the Spy by Louise Fitzhugh
86. A Light in the Attic by Shel Silverstein
87. Mr. Popper's Penguins by Richard Atwater
88. My Father's Dragon by Ruth Stiles Gannett
89. Stuart Little by E. B. White
90. Walk Two Moons by Sharon Creech
91. The Witch of Blackbird Pond by Elizabeth George Speare [I've been having a strange craving to re-read this book lately, don't ask me why]
92. The Art Lesson by Tomie De Paola
93. Caps for Sale by Esphyr Slobodkina [Yet another Shane favorite. Considering how much it seems like he liked to read when we were little, it's kind of a shame that now he only reads the sports page]
94. Clifford, the Big Red Dog by Norman Bridwell
95. Heidi by Johanna Spyri [Yet another book I had but never read]
96. Horton Hears a Who by Dr. Seuss
97. The Sign of the Beaver by Elizabeth George Speare
98. The Watsons Go to Birmingham-1963 by Christopher Paul Curtis
99. Guess How Much I Love You by Sam McBratney
100. The Paper Bag Princess by Robert N. Munsch
Monday, April 23, 2007
86 Box Office
My last night of managing the box office was Saturday night.
In general, I didn't mind managing the box office for the past two years. Out of all the TA jobs, I think mine was by far the easiest. Funnily enough, no one else seems to agree with me on this and apparently no one but me has ever volunteered to take on the job for a second year. But there were a lot of things I liked about working the box office. For one thing, I had no papers to grade. I also never had to attend any classes other than my own (and believe me, I love that I never had to get up to go to a 9:30 class that I was TA-ing like most of my friends). There were sometimes three weeks at a time where there was no show going on and the box office was closed and I didn't have a job to do. Did I feel a little guilty collecting my $1000 stipend during the months I didn't work more than twenty hours total? I probably should have, but honestly, no. When there was a job to do, I did it well. I literally wrote the manual for my job. And when there wasn't a job to do, I was just grateful that I had the easiest teaching assistantship. The fact that I could do 80% of my job over the phone (Call the box office, make sure someone is actually there working, and my job is done for the afternoon!) made me very happy.
That's not to say that the job was without it's frustrations, though. Who could forget Handjob Guy, for example? Or the student who called the box office last week asking if we still had tickets available for "Mucho Aw-doe"...instead of Much Ado About Nothing, the show we were actually selling tickets for. And then there were the students that worked for me. While most of them were great, and it was a very good way for me to get to know the undergrads, a few of them were irresponsible or just plain stupid. For instance, we have a policy that a certain amount of ushers can watch the show on the night they work, and last week one of the ushers asked, "Can I watch the show tonight?" I said, "Sure," and he said, "When?" It took all my willpower not to roll my eyes at him as I answered, "When it STARTS." There were definitely people I would have fired if I could have done so.
I think Saturday night was the icing on the cake, though, the epitome of the ridiculous part of my job. All of the Intro to Fine Arts students--and I think every student in the university has to take Intro to Fine Arts--have to write at least one critique of a play each semester, and they need to prove that they actually saw the play by attaching a show program to their critique. Needless to say, we get a lot of students showing up to try to get programs without actually seeing the show, so the house manager and I have a policy about not giving out programs except to people actually entering the theater with a ticket.
So Saturday night just after the show had started a guy walked up to the box office and told us he'd seen the show the night before but he didn't get a program, and could we please give him one? Amanda explained our policy of not giving out programs and the pointed out to him that if he had been at the show the night before he would have been given a program for sure. So then he quickly switched his story to, "Well, I had one, but I left it here at the theater." But we told him sorry, there was nothing we could do for him unless he came back with his ticket stub proving he had been there. And incidentally, I am positive that he hadn't been there the night before. That's what happens when you're a freakishly muscular yet somehow still attractive 6'4" black guy with lots of tattoos. Sorry buddy, but you're very noticeable and I would have remembered you.
Anyway, he started whining about having to come back with a ticket stub, so to be nice Amanda suggested, "Well, maybe if you could tell us something about the plot, to prove that you saw it...?" He stood there for a moment and finally said, "Well, I know it's by, uh, Shakespeare, and..." Realizing that a plot synopsis was going to be too much for him, I said, "What about the set? Could you tell us what the set looked like?" And let me just point out that the set for this show had a lot of very memorable elements: trees made out of gigantic grapes, a ten foot tall wine glass, paintings that flew in and out, etc. If he had actually seen the show he would have been able to come up with SOMETHING. Instead he just stood there for a full minute, even making a big show of closing his eyes like he was trying oh-so-hard to remember. Finally he sighed and said, "I was as throwed when I saw it as I am right now, so I don't really remember." So Amanda and I told him sorry and he groaned and said, "Alright, I'll get a ticket. I think it's in my notebook where I wrote down the plot and all that shit." So not only did he admit that he was "throwed" when he supposedly saw the show, but also that if he did see the show he was taking notes during it, which is another thing we really frown upon. God.
Maybe he came back the next morning with a ticket stub that he'd borrowed from a friend who actually saw the show. I don't know. If he actually made the effort to find a ticket, Amanda told me she would give him a program. But when I told her the story, Debbie realized that he is her student and she'll be reading his critique carefully and I'm fairly certain he won't be getting credit anyway. Ha. What an asshat.
So yeah. It was a good job, but I can't say I'm really going to miss it.
In general, I didn't mind managing the box office for the past two years. Out of all the TA jobs, I think mine was by far the easiest. Funnily enough, no one else seems to agree with me on this and apparently no one but me has ever volunteered to take on the job for a second year. But there were a lot of things I liked about working the box office. For one thing, I had no papers to grade. I also never had to attend any classes other than my own (and believe me, I love that I never had to get up to go to a 9:30 class that I was TA-ing like most of my friends). There were sometimes three weeks at a time where there was no show going on and the box office was closed and I didn't have a job to do. Did I feel a little guilty collecting my $1000 stipend during the months I didn't work more than twenty hours total? I probably should have, but honestly, no. When there was a job to do, I did it well. I literally wrote the manual for my job. And when there wasn't a job to do, I was just grateful that I had the easiest teaching assistantship. The fact that I could do 80% of my job over the phone (Call the box office, make sure someone is actually there working, and my job is done for the afternoon!) made me very happy.
That's not to say that the job was without it's frustrations, though. Who could forget Handjob Guy, for example? Or the student who called the box office last week asking if we still had tickets available for "Mucho Aw-doe"...instead of Much Ado About Nothing, the show we were actually selling tickets for. And then there were the students that worked for me. While most of them were great, and it was a very good way for me to get to know the undergrads, a few of them were irresponsible or just plain stupid. For instance, we have a policy that a certain amount of ushers can watch the show on the night they work, and last week one of the ushers asked, "Can I watch the show tonight?" I said, "Sure," and he said, "When?" It took all my willpower not to roll my eyes at him as I answered, "When it STARTS." There were definitely people I would have fired if I could have done so.
I think Saturday night was the icing on the cake, though, the epitome of the ridiculous part of my job. All of the Intro to Fine Arts students--and I think every student in the university has to take Intro to Fine Arts--have to write at least one critique of a play each semester, and they need to prove that they actually saw the play by attaching a show program to their critique. Needless to say, we get a lot of students showing up to try to get programs without actually seeing the show, so the house manager and I have a policy about not giving out programs except to people actually entering the theater with a ticket.
So Saturday night just after the show had started a guy walked up to the box office and told us he'd seen the show the night before but he didn't get a program, and could we please give him one? Amanda explained our policy of not giving out programs and the pointed out to him that if he had been at the show the night before he would have been given a program for sure. So then he quickly switched his story to, "Well, I had one, but I left it here at the theater." But we told him sorry, there was nothing we could do for him unless he came back with his ticket stub proving he had been there. And incidentally, I am positive that he hadn't been there the night before. That's what happens when you're a freakishly muscular yet somehow still attractive 6'4" black guy with lots of tattoos. Sorry buddy, but you're very noticeable and I would have remembered you.
Anyway, he started whining about having to come back with a ticket stub, so to be nice Amanda suggested, "Well, maybe if you could tell us something about the plot, to prove that you saw it...?" He stood there for a moment and finally said, "Well, I know it's by, uh, Shakespeare, and..." Realizing that a plot synopsis was going to be too much for him, I said, "What about the set? Could you tell us what the set looked like?" And let me just point out that the set for this show had a lot of very memorable elements: trees made out of gigantic grapes, a ten foot tall wine glass, paintings that flew in and out, etc. If he had actually seen the show he would have been able to come up with SOMETHING. Instead he just stood there for a full minute, even making a big show of closing his eyes like he was trying oh-so-hard to remember. Finally he sighed and said, "I was as throwed when I saw it as I am right now, so I don't really remember." So Amanda and I told him sorry and he groaned and said, "Alright, I'll get a ticket. I think it's in my notebook where I wrote down the plot and all that shit." So not only did he admit that he was "throwed" when he supposedly saw the show, but also that if he did see the show he was taking notes during it, which is another thing we really frown upon. God.
Maybe he came back the next morning with a ticket stub that he'd borrowed from a friend who actually saw the show. I don't know. If he actually made the effort to find a ticket, Amanda told me she would give him a program. But when I told her the story, Debbie realized that he is her student and she'll be reading his critique carefully and I'm fairly certain he won't be getting credit anyway. Ha. What an asshat.
So yeah. It was a good job, but I can't say I'm really going to miss it.
Thought Process
I've been having anxiety dreams lately, almost every night this week. I don't always remember them when I wake up. The bits I remember usually have to do with screwing things up at the restaurant (forgetting about a table completely, moving like I'm stuck in molasses even when I know I need to be moving quickly) or my usual variety of anxiety dream where I'm packing frantically then end up missing my plane anyway or, if I do manage to make the plane, the plane crashes. I wake up feeling uneasy and sometimes I can't shake the feeling for an hour or more, and I hate it.
You'd think that I'd be really relaxed right now. My thesis is up at the library being bound, so it's finally completely and utterly finished. My box office job is finished forever as well. I have nothing important to do until next month. And maybe that's part of my problem. With nothing concrete to focus on, my brain goes into overdrive. I realize that in a lot of ways I am suited to life as an academic because I spend so much time Figuring Things Out. My mind just never relaxes and turns off, even when I really need it to. This is both a blessing and a curse, but after almost 25 years I know that this is just the way I'm wired, and so I deal with myself and most of the time I focus on the blessing part of it much more than the curse part.
I spend a very large portion of my life trying to figure out why I feel the way I do about things, and how other people are feeling and why. Apparently I have always been like this. My mom said when I was a toddler I used to follow her around the house asking incessantly, "Are you happy or sad? Are you mad or glad?" I'm pretty certain I was just practicing my Sesame Street feelings words, but at the same time those were probably legitimate questions since I do the exact same thing now. Given, now that I'm an adult I mostly keep these thoughts to myself. I'm constantly gauging people's emotions, trying to figure out if they're happy or sad, mad or glad, and why I think they might be feeling that way. The upside to this is that I feel like I'm pretty good at figuring out why people are behaving in a particular way (assuming their behavior is at least in some way based on logic, which in the case of people with some mental disorders is obviously not the case). The other good thing about this is that some people seem to really need me to give them blunt assessments of their behavior sometimes, and I like that I feel comfortable being that honest sounding board for certain friends. The bad thing about this is that I make a lot of assumptions about other people based on the constant analysis I'm doing on them in my head. Often I just let these assumptions stand, particularly if I don't know a person well enough to ask them whether or not I'm correct, and that's not a good thing. I think I AM right about people, a lot of the time. But I know my analysis is not correct all the time, and my assumptions can be unfair. The thing is, I don't think most people would react well to my declarations of, "You're behaving this way right now, and I think this is why." This is why I only make statements like that to a few choice people. Because if I'm wrong in my assumptions, that pisses people off. And if I'm right about them, that pisses them off even more because there is nothing more annoying than other people recognizing your flaws, patterns, or emotions before you fully recognize them yourself. Sometimes I like the puzzle of figuring people out. Other times, like tonight, I just wish people would make it easy for me and say, "I'm acting like this, and this is why, and this is how I think it is going to affect you." Wouldn't that be nice?
I should add here that I'm not talking about a particular person or event right now. I just re-read that last paragraph and realized that it sounds like I'm writing a cryptic entry about a specific person and trying to keep it anonymous, but no, I'm not. This is just something I'm thinking about.
The other thing my mind tends to go into overdrive about is my future. You all know that by now, I talk about it a lot. I'm looking forward to my future, and I'm excited about it, but I hate all of the unknowns. I realize that life is full of the unknowns and that is never going to change, and I do the best I can to deal with it and try not to worry too much about things I can't control. But I still think about it all a lot anyway. I realize that most of my anxiety dreams right now are about my upcoming move. I like new things to a certain extent, but I am very much a creature of habit and having everything disorganized and feeling unsettled makes me crazy.* I'm not looking foward to packing up this apartment and leaving here at all, and my mind is already dwelling on that inevitability when I'm asleep at night.
I'm looking forward to being in my new home, don't get me wrong, but I'm not looking forward to the couple of months of transition in between. Although I think I'll be reasonably happy in El Paso for the summer, because I'll be able to make my own temporary routine there.
And frankly, even though I'm looking forward to moving to the D.C. area, I'm also extremely nervous. I think I'll feel better once I get there in May and see where I'm going to live and get a vibe on the place because, again, it's the unknown that is worrying me more than anything. Of course, the known is scaring me, too. I read a lot of blogs of Ph.D. candidates and the overall theme seems to be, "This is so hard, and overall job prospects suck." Which of course makes me go, "Why do I want to do this again?" I do realize that people mostly use their blogs as an outlet to bitch about things that are going wrong in their lives, so I know there is a lot of good that I'm just not reading about. I also know that I would never forgive myself if I didn't at least try for the Ph.D. at this point. I may not get there, or I may get there but then realize I hate it. And I know that. But right now I honestly can't envision myself doing anything else. And THAT scares me, because if this next step doesn't work out for me, what else am I going to do with my life?
But then I remind myself that I haven't always been like this. I remember a time when I honestly thought I'd be a high school teacher and I thought I'd be content doing that for life. I also remember a time, not even that long ago, where I thought--and realize that I am cringing as I'm writing this and I can barely admit it, even to myself--that since I liked school so much I might as well keep going to get my MA, and that probably by the time I was done with my MA I'd be in a serious relationship and ready to get married and then have a baby or two so I wouldn't really use my degree and I'd just adjunct teach or do something like that for a while before taking years off to take care of my kids. Yes! At 20 I really thought I was going to be able to plan my life neatly like that! And I thought that was what I wanted!
And now my mindset has changed drastically. For one thing, I didn't end up with that serious relationship I thought I'd find for sure (FOR SURE!) by the time I was 22. Ha. Hahahahahahaha. I also realized that I really do like research, I really do love what I'm studying, and that there is at least a small possibility that I might actually have some talent at what I do. Over the past two years, the idea of going on to the Ph.D. has become very important to me. The idea of getting my name and my research out there and adding my voice to the body of work has become an important dream that I am not about to give up on yet. I was positive that I would want to be a stay-at-home mother one of these days, but now I feel like if I ever actually get to the point where I have a Ph.D. and a teaching job I am not going to want to give that up. And I never thought I would choose a job over a family, but suddenly that choice is much, much harder to make, whereas before I would have gone, "Family!" in an instant.
I still think that if and when I do have the opportunity to make my own family one of these days, I'm probably going to choose to embrace that opportunity fully. But in the absence of a concrete way to attempt to achieve that dream, I have really latched onto this dream of the Ph.D. and a tenure-track job since at least this is a dream that I can actually work toward.
Still, when I think too much about it, it scares me. I'm afraid that I'll become so solitary doing my Ph.D. work that I'll emerge from it 30 years old and still as single as I am right now. And how much does any of what I'm doing right now even matter if I'm only doing it for myself? I can tell myself day in and day out that it's okay to want to do it just for me, that it's wonderful to have the opportunity to be as selfish as I want and work towards my goals without having to worry about other people, but even though a serious relationship would add so many more things to worry about, I also know that I want those worries eventually. I do want a partner in this life one of these days. The flip side of that coin is that I worry that I'll meet someone I love, give up the dream I'm chasing right now to be with that person, and then regret it later. Everyone seems to think that it's great that I can start a Ph.D. program while I'm free and single with all the time in the world to devote to my research, and to a certain extent I agree. But at least the people that start a Ph.D. program with a husband and family already know what their future holds, more or less. They know the hurdles they have to jump to get to that degree. I have no idea what my hurdles are going to be: who I'm going to fall for at an inappropriate moment, what choice I might end up having to make between a career and a person I care about, and hey, there we go again with the unknowns!
Sometimes I drive myself crazy with this circular, damned-if-you-do, damned-if-you-don't thought process. But I guess the main thing I keep trying to remind myself of right now is this:
You didn't always want to do this. You used to have other dreams. And even though you think those dreams are silly now, they were important to you then and they might become important to you again. Or maybe something else will become important to you. So if this doesn't work out for you, you are a smart girl and there are other things you can do. Also, the odds of you being single forever are pretty slim, and even though it's going to be hard to handle the challenges of being in a relationship when you're so used to being single, you're going to be fine and you're going to work it all out, so chill the fuck out.
On that note, I'm going to bed and hoping that there are no nightmares tonight. Sorry for rambling. Thanks for reading, if you did.
*Footnote: Incidentally, I don't know why I love having a set, known routine and an organized personal space and yet can also love traveling so much since travel is generally nothing but unknowns and shared space (and often messy shared space at that). Maybe it's that I know when I'm traveling to expect those things, and that I still have a home somewhere on the planet where everything is organized just the way I like it? I don't know...
You'd think that I'd be really relaxed right now. My thesis is up at the library being bound, so it's finally completely and utterly finished. My box office job is finished forever as well. I have nothing important to do until next month. And maybe that's part of my problem. With nothing concrete to focus on, my brain goes into overdrive. I realize that in a lot of ways I am suited to life as an academic because I spend so much time Figuring Things Out. My mind just never relaxes and turns off, even when I really need it to. This is both a blessing and a curse, but after almost 25 years I know that this is just the way I'm wired, and so I deal with myself and most of the time I focus on the blessing part of it much more than the curse part.
I spend a very large portion of my life trying to figure out why I feel the way I do about things, and how other people are feeling and why. Apparently I have always been like this. My mom said when I was a toddler I used to follow her around the house asking incessantly, "Are you happy or sad? Are you mad or glad?" I'm pretty certain I was just practicing my Sesame Street feelings words, but at the same time those were probably legitimate questions since I do the exact same thing now. Given, now that I'm an adult I mostly keep these thoughts to myself. I'm constantly gauging people's emotions, trying to figure out if they're happy or sad, mad or glad, and why I think they might be feeling that way. The upside to this is that I feel like I'm pretty good at figuring out why people are behaving in a particular way (assuming their behavior is at least in some way based on logic, which in the case of people with some mental disorders is obviously not the case). The other good thing about this is that some people seem to really need me to give them blunt assessments of their behavior sometimes, and I like that I feel comfortable being that honest sounding board for certain friends. The bad thing about this is that I make a lot of assumptions about other people based on the constant analysis I'm doing on them in my head. Often I just let these assumptions stand, particularly if I don't know a person well enough to ask them whether or not I'm correct, and that's not a good thing. I think I AM right about people, a lot of the time. But I know my analysis is not correct all the time, and my assumptions can be unfair. The thing is, I don't think most people would react well to my declarations of, "You're behaving this way right now, and I think this is why." This is why I only make statements like that to a few choice people. Because if I'm wrong in my assumptions, that pisses people off. And if I'm right about them, that pisses them off even more because there is nothing more annoying than other people recognizing your flaws, patterns, or emotions before you fully recognize them yourself. Sometimes I like the puzzle of figuring people out. Other times, like tonight, I just wish people would make it easy for me and say, "I'm acting like this, and this is why, and this is how I think it is going to affect you." Wouldn't that be nice?
I should add here that I'm not talking about a particular person or event right now. I just re-read that last paragraph and realized that it sounds like I'm writing a cryptic entry about a specific person and trying to keep it anonymous, but no, I'm not. This is just something I'm thinking about.
The other thing my mind tends to go into overdrive about is my future. You all know that by now, I talk about it a lot. I'm looking forward to my future, and I'm excited about it, but I hate all of the unknowns. I realize that life is full of the unknowns and that is never going to change, and I do the best I can to deal with it and try not to worry too much about things I can't control. But I still think about it all a lot anyway. I realize that most of my anxiety dreams right now are about my upcoming move. I like new things to a certain extent, but I am very much a creature of habit and having everything disorganized and feeling unsettled makes me crazy.* I'm not looking foward to packing up this apartment and leaving here at all, and my mind is already dwelling on that inevitability when I'm asleep at night.
I'm looking forward to being in my new home, don't get me wrong, but I'm not looking forward to the couple of months of transition in between. Although I think I'll be reasonably happy in El Paso for the summer, because I'll be able to make my own temporary routine there.
And frankly, even though I'm looking forward to moving to the D.C. area, I'm also extremely nervous. I think I'll feel better once I get there in May and see where I'm going to live and get a vibe on the place because, again, it's the unknown that is worrying me more than anything. Of course, the known is scaring me, too. I read a lot of blogs of Ph.D. candidates and the overall theme seems to be, "This is so hard, and overall job prospects suck." Which of course makes me go, "Why do I want to do this again?" I do realize that people mostly use their blogs as an outlet to bitch about things that are going wrong in their lives, so I know there is a lot of good that I'm just not reading about. I also know that I would never forgive myself if I didn't at least try for the Ph.D. at this point. I may not get there, or I may get there but then realize I hate it. And I know that. But right now I honestly can't envision myself doing anything else. And THAT scares me, because if this next step doesn't work out for me, what else am I going to do with my life?
But then I remind myself that I haven't always been like this. I remember a time when I honestly thought I'd be a high school teacher and I thought I'd be content doing that for life. I also remember a time, not even that long ago, where I thought--and realize that I am cringing as I'm writing this and I can barely admit it, even to myself--that since I liked school so much I might as well keep going to get my MA, and that probably by the time I was done with my MA I'd be in a serious relationship and ready to get married and then have a baby or two so I wouldn't really use my degree and I'd just adjunct teach or do something like that for a while before taking years off to take care of my kids. Yes! At 20 I really thought I was going to be able to plan my life neatly like that! And I thought that was what I wanted!
And now my mindset has changed drastically. For one thing, I didn't end up with that serious relationship I thought I'd find for sure (FOR SURE!) by the time I was 22. Ha. Hahahahahahaha. I also realized that I really do like research, I really do love what I'm studying, and that there is at least a small possibility that I might actually have some talent at what I do. Over the past two years, the idea of going on to the Ph.D. has become very important to me. The idea of getting my name and my research out there and adding my voice to the body of work has become an important dream that I am not about to give up on yet. I was positive that I would want to be a stay-at-home mother one of these days, but now I feel like if I ever actually get to the point where I have a Ph.D. and a teaching job I am not going to want to give that up. And I never thought I would choose a job over a family, but suddenly that choice is much, much harder to make, whereas before I would have gone, "Family!" in an instant.
I still think that if and when I do have the opportunity to make my own family one of these days, I'm probably going to choose to embrace that opportunity fully. But in the absence of a concrete way to attempt to achieve that dream, I have really latched onto this dream of the Ph.D. and a tenure-track job since at least this is a dream that I can actually work toward.
Still, when I think too much about it, it scares me. I'm afraid that I'll become so solitary doing my Ph.D. work that I'll emerge from it 30 years old and still as single as I am right now. And how much does any of what I'm doing right now even matter if I'm only doing it for myself? I can tell myself day in and day out that it's okay to want to do it just for me, that it's wonderful to have the opportunity to be as selfish as I want and work towards my goals without having to worry about other people, but even though a serious relationship would add so many more things to worry about, I also know that I want those worries eventually. I do want a partner in this life one of these days. The flip side of that coin is that I worry that I'll meet someone I love, give up the dream I'm chasing right now to be with that person, and then regret it later. Everyone seems to think that it's great that I can start a Ph.D. program while I'm free and single with all the time in the world to devote to my research, and to a certain extent I agree. But at least the people that start a Ph.D. program with a husband and family already know what their future holds, more or less. They know the hurdles they have to jump to get to that degree. I have no idea what my hurdles are going to be: who I'm going to fall for at an inappropriate moment, what choice I might end up having to make between a career and a person I care about, and hey, there we go again with the unknowns!
Sometimes I drive myself crazy with this circular, damned-if-you-do, damned-if-you-don't thought process. But I guess the main thing I keep trying to remind myself of right now is this:
You didn't always want to do this. You used to have other dreams. And even though you think those dreams are silly now, they were important to you then and they might become important to you again. Or maybe something else will become important to you. So if this doesn't work out for you, you are a smart girl and there are other things you can do. Also, the odds of you being single forever are pretty slim, and even though it's going to be hard to handle the challenges of being in a relationship when you're so used to being single, you're going to be fine and you're going to work it all out, so chill the fuck out.
On that note, I'm going to bed and hoping that there are no nightmares tonight. Sorry for rambling. Thanks for reading, if you did.
*Footnote: Incidentally, I don't know why I love having a set, known routine and an organized personal space and yet can also love traveling so much since travel is generally nothing but unknowns and shared space (and often messy shared space at that). Maybe it's that I know when I'm traveling to expect those things, and that I still have a home somewhere on the planet where everything is organized just the way I like it? I don't know...
Wednesday, April 18, 2007
Gardening is Not News
I don't know why I'm updating, because I have pretty much nothing to update about. The nice thing about that is that my life is incredibly easy right now. I'm trying to enjoy this lazy feeling while I can since I know pretty soon I'm going to be dealing with moving stress, and before too long I'm going to be dealing with the whole Ph.D. thing, which, as much as I know I want to do it, is probably going to be 4 years of lots and lots of stress.
So what's up? Well, my thesis went up to the grad college last Thursday and it's not quite approved yet because of a few minor formatting things (the formatting of this thing is killing me, they could not possibly be more nitpicky about things and I don't understand why most of this stuff-like the font of the damn page numbers-makes any difference at all whatsoever). I made the necessary edits and am having another meeting about it tomorrow morning and hopefully it will get the final approval and then I can make copies of it, get it bound at the library, and finally be done with it already. Still, I'm more or less done with that and have been for weeks.
I did my final play report in class on Tuesday night, and now the only thing I have left to do is take my final exam on May 1st and I'm totally finished. Next week I just have to show up and watch other play reports. And since I think my grade in that class is a pretty solid A, I don't think I even need to study for the final all that much. I also finish managing the box office FOREVER on Saturday! In other words, I'm basically done with school.
So what else am I doing since I'm not busy with school anymore? I'm still working at the restaurant, but only for another month since I decided yesterday that May 18th will be my last day of work. I'd like to say that it will be my last day of waiting tables ever, but it so won't be. In fact, I was talking to Dad today about maybe working at his restaurant as well as his bar this summer. I don't want people being bitchy about me swinging into town for just a couple of months and taking shifts away from them, especially since I know that I can live without the money and it's very different to work like I do (to be able to sometimes buy an $8.00 drink without worrying about it and to save up some money for leaner times) and to work like so many other waiters and bartenders do (to pay their rent and buy groceries). So while part of me wants to go, "Chill out, it's two months!" I also understand their point and I figure if I divide my time between the restaurant and the bar (possibly bars, plural, since Dad has a new place on the other side of town) I'll be able to work plenty of shifts and save up some money but I also won't be invading too much on other people's turf. And for the record, I realize that I am about to have two degrees and I still have to wait tables and yes, sometimes I find that annoying. But I figure I can justify it as long as I'm still a student and living on stipends. Sure, it's enough to live on, but barely. And having the extra income from waiting tables really has given me the chance to spend money on pretty much whatever I feel like spending money on and also be able to put some money into savings, so I can't really complain. And the fact is I do need the extra income in the summers, since a 9-month paycheck just doesn't stretch a whole year. So yeah, I'll be waiting tables for the near future, but at least I'll only be at Applebees for the next month!
I figure the 18th is a good day to quit. My family comes to town that weekend for Chelsea's graduation and I'd like to be able to spend time with them, and then on the 20th my Mom is flying with me to the east coast so I can hopefully sign a lease on an apartment and actually see the D.C. metro area and my new school for myself. I still can't believe that I chose a school and a city to live in without ever having been there before in my life, but I'm trying to convince myself that it was a brave move and not a stupid one and I'd rather you not tell me otherwise, even if you disagree. And technically I did the same thing when I moved down here, although at least I'd been to Austin many times and driven through this little town so it's not like it was the Great Unknown. Oh well. It's going to be an adventure!
Figuring out what to do with all of my stuff over the summer and planning a 2,000 mile move is also turning out to be...well, I could be optimistic and call it an adventure, or I could be honest and say it's a huge pain in the ass. But it's all going to work itself out somehow, especially since I have several weeks to kill until graduation and nothing to do in the meantime except finish catching up on The Sopranos so I can watch the finale with everyone else. That should give me plenty of time to figure out a plan.
So what's up? Well, my thesis went up to the grad college last Thursday and it's not quite approved yet because of a few minor formatting things (the formatting of this thing is killing me, they could not possibly be more nitpicky about things and I don't understand why most of this stuff-like the font of the damn page numbers-makes any difference at all whatsoever). I made the necessary edits and am having another meeting about it tomorrow morning and hopefully it will get the final approval and then I can make copies of it, get it bound at the library, and finally be done with it already. Still, I'm more or less done with that and have been for weeks.
I did my final play report in class on Tuesday night, and now the only thing I have left to do is take my final exam on May 1st and I'm totally finished. Next week I just have to show up and watch other play reports. And since I think my grade in that class is a pretty solid A, I don't think I even need to study for the final all that much. I also finish managing the box office FOREVER on Saturday! In other words, I'm basically done with school.
So what else am I doing since I'm not busy with school anymore? I'm still working at the restaurant, but only for another month since I decided yesterday that May 18th will be my last day of work. I'd like to say that it will be my last day of waiting tables ever, but it so won't be. In fact, I was talking to Dad today about maybe working at his restaurant as well as his bar this summer. I don't want people being bitchy about me swinging into town for just a couple of months and taking shifts away from them, especially since I know that I can live without the money and it's very different to work like I do (to be able to sometimes buy an $8.00 drink without worrying about it and to save up some money for leaner times) and to work like so many other waiters and bartenders do (to pay their rent and buy groceries). So while part of me wants to go, "Chill out, it's two months!" I also understand their point and I figure if I divide my time between the restaurant and the bar (possibly bars, plural, since Dad has a new place on the other side of town) I'll be able to work plenty of shifts and save up some money but I also won't be invading too much on other people's turf. And for the record, I realize that I am about to have two degrees and I still have to wait tables and yes, sometimes I find that annoying. But I figure I can justify it as long as I'm still a student and living on stipends. Sure, it's enough to live on, but barely. And having the extra income from waiting tables really has given me the chance to spend money on pretty much whatever I feel like spending money on and also be able to put some money into savings, so I can't really complain. And the fact is I do need the extra income in the summers, since a 9-month paycheck just doesn't stretch a whole year. So yeah, I'll be waiting tables for the near future, but at least I'll only be at Applebees for the next month!
I figure the 18th is a good day to quit. My family comes to town that weekend for Chelsea's graduation and I'd like to be able to spend time with them, and then on the 20th my Mom is flying with me to the east coast so I can hopefully sign a lease on an apartment and actually see the D.C. metro area and my new school for myself. I still can't believe that I chose a school and a city to live in without ever having been there before in my life, but I'm trying to convince myself that it was a brave move and not a stupid one and I'd rather you not tell me otherwise, even if you disagree. And technically I did the same thing when I moved down here, although at least I'd been to Austin many times and driven through this little town so it's not like it was the Great Unknown. Oh well. It's going to be an adventure!
Figuring out what to do with all of my stuff over the summer and planning a 2,000 mile move is also turning out to be...well, I could be optimistic and call it an adventure, or I could be honest and say it's a huge pain in the ass. But it's all going to work itself out somehow, especially since I have several weeks to kill until graduation and nothing to do in the meantime except finish catching up on The Sopranos so I can watch the finale with everyone else. That should give me plenty of time to figure out a plan.
Sunday, April 15, 2007
You Just Loved the Sex, Fool
College Ex is annoying me tonight. We don't talk much these days. We're still friends and on good terms, but ever since we finally stopped fooling around completely in fall 2005 I have stopped calling him just to chat. He still texts me every now and then (when he's drinking and feeling nostalgic, presumably) and I'll text him very, very rarely when something reminds me of him, and he'll call me every couple of months or so to ramble on about how much he loves me.
Tonight is one of those nights. First he sent me a text message that said "I still think about you all the time." And I didn't respond because how does one respond to that? "Congratulations, I DON'T think about you all the time, or even all that often"? "Why?"? "I think about you, too, but mostly I think about how that was fun for a while but I'm glad I'm done with that phase of my life"?
Then a couple of hours later he sent me another text message that said, "Can I just say that I'm still in love with you?" And so I responded, "You can, but that's kind of weird considering I don't think you ever really loved me in the first place." Well, it was a mistake to say that, because he spent the next hour calling me multiple times and trying to prove to me that he loves me and that he has always loved me. Which just doesn't make sense to me, because although he has spent a large part of our relationship and our entire post-relationship telling me how much he loves me, and how I'm the only woman in his life that ever knew his secrets and called him on his bullshit, and how I inspire him to be a better man and blah, blah, blah, for someone who supposedly loves me so much he sure does sleep with a lot of other women. And he probably says the exact same thing to them. I just don't trust him. At all. I never have, and I never will. Truthfully, I think he just wants phone sex tonight and whoever he normally calls for that job these days isn't responding and so he has turned to me, but since he knows I won't do that with him anymore he thinks that if he sweet talks me a lot first it will maybe turn into that. Either that or he really does think he loves me, in which case someone really needs to teach him that sex and love are two very different things and do not necessarily go hand-in-hand, even though they probably should.
--Interrupting this post for a live action update--He just called AGAIN and I answered again (Why? I'm not answering anymore after this, he's getting repetitive) and this time he said he needs to see me before I leave Texas because he has to give me something. I asked what he has to give me, and he said "Something that's really meaningful and important to me and symbolizes everything I've been trying to tell you about what you mean to me, and you might not ever wear it but I need to give it to you anyway." What the hell?! I really think he's on drugs or something right now. He also just compared his love for me to seeing a box of Tic Tacs on the shelf at the gas station and suddenly remembering how much you love Tic Tacs even though you haven't had them for a while. I had to put the phone down so I could laugh as loudly as I wanted to, and when I picked up the phone again he was still babbling on. Worst. Metaphor. Ever.
I don't know what his deal is, but I'm not answering the phone anymore. This is ridiculous. There was a time and place in my life for him and I don't regret spending so much time with him in college. We had a lot of fun. But the time and place in my life for showing up at a guy's house at two in the morning to smoke a bowl, have a beer, and fool around is over. Or at least, I think it's over. I'm certainly not in the mood for that sort of thing these days. And as soon as I stopped being in the mood for that, I stopped being in the mood for him. So it sure as hell wasn't love, and I hope he's not actually so delusional that he thinks it was. I'm pretty sure he's just drunk.
Know what else is annoying? Trying to find an apartment on the internet. I don't know why I'm even bothering to look, since it's not like you can get a sense of a place at all based on their online ads. And even things like that apartment ratings website don't work because people pretty much only post about their apartment complex online when they have negative things to say about it, so you don't get an accurate idea of how the place really is. I'm going to go up to my future home in a month or so and I want to sign a lease then so I'm trying to do some research, but it's just frustrating me.
Anyway. I'm gonna read for class and get some sleep and stop obssessing about the logistics of moving myself, a basset hound, a cat, and all of my furniture 2,000 miles, because I have months until I actually have to deal with that.
Tonight is one of those nights. First he sent me a text message that said "I still think about you all the time." And I didn't respond because how does one respond to that? "Congratulations, I DON'T think about you all the time, or even all that often"? "Why?"? "I think about you, too, but mostly I think about how that was fun for a while but I'm glad I'm done with that phase of my life"?
Then a couple of hours later he sent me another text message that said, "Can I just say that I'm still in love with you?" And so I responded, "You can, but that's kind of weird considering I don't think you ever really loved me in the first place." Well, it was a mistake to say that, because he spent the next hour calling me multiple times and trying to prove to me that he loves me and that he has always loved me. Which just doesn't make sense to me, because although he has spent a large part of our relationship and our entire post-relationship telling me how much he loves me, and how I'm the only woman in his life that ever knew his secrets and called him on his bullshit, and how I inspire him to be a better man and blah, blah, blah, for someone who supposedly loves me so much he sure does sleep with a lot of other women. And he probably says the exact same thing to them. I just don't trust him. At all. I never have, and I never will. Truthfully, I think he just wants phone sex tonight and whoever he normally calls for that job these days isn't responding and so he has turned to me, but since he knows I won't do that with him anymore he thinks that if he sweet talks me a lot first it will maybe turn into that. Either that or he really does think he loves me, in which case someone really needs to teach him that sex and love are two very different things and do not necessarily go hand-in-hand, even though they probably should.
--Interrupting this post for a live action update--He just called AGAIN and I answered again (Why? I'm not answering anymore after this, he's getting repetitive) and this time he said he needs to see me before I leave Texas because he has to give me something. I asked what he has to give me, and he said "Something that's really meaningful and important to me and symbolizes everything I've been trying to tell you about what you mean to me, and you might not ever wear it but I need to give it to you anyway." What the hell?! I really think he's on drugs or something right now. He also just compared his love for me to seeing a box of Tic Tacs on the shelf at the gas station and suddenly remembering how much you love Tic Tacs even though you haven't had them for a while. I had to put the phone down so I could laugh as loudly as I wanted to, and when I picked up the phone again he was still babbling on. Worst. Metaphor. Ever.
I don't know what his deal is, but I'm not answering the phone anymore. This is ridiculous. There was a time and place in my life for him and I don't regret spending so much time with him in college. We had a lot of fun. But the time and place in my life for showing up at a guy's house at two in the morning to smoke a bowl, have a beer, and fool around is over. Or at least, I think it's over. I'm certainly not in the mood for that sort of thing these days. And as soon as I stopped being in the mood for that, I stopped being in the mood for him. So it sure as hell wasn't love, and I hope he's not actually so delusional that he thinks it was. I'm pretty sure he's just drunk.
Know what else is annoying? Trying to find an apartment on the internet. I don't know why I'm even bothering to look, since it's not like you can get a sense of a place at all based on their online ads. And even things like that apartment ratings website don't work because people pretty much only post about their apartment complex online when they have negative things to say about it, so you don't get an accurate idea of how the place really is. I'm going to go up to my future home in a month or so and I want to sign a lease then so I'm trying to do some research, but it's just frustrating me.
Anyway. I'm gonna read for class and get some sleep and stop obssessing about the logistics of moving myself, a basset hound, a cat, and all of my furniture 2,000 miles, because I have months until I actually have to deal with that.
Thursday, April 12, 2007
Drum Roll, Please....
Today has been a definitive day in my life. Really, it has. In fact, I can't think of another day in my life so far where two major milestones, two life-changing events (interrelated though they may be) have taken place in the same day.
But today? Today I sat before my committee and defended my thesis and took my comprehensive exam. Two hours sitting across the table from three professors, answering questions about everything I've learned about theatre EVER was one of the most intimidating and stressful things I have done in a long time. And to think, I went into this with full confidence that I would pass and I was still that nervous when it came time to actually do the defense. I don't know how I'm going to do this whole comprehensive exam thing again in a couple of years, much less defend a dissertation.
But the important thing right now is that I passed my exam and my defense, and now I get to graduate for sure! I am a Master of Arts (officially as of May 12th, but technically as of right now)! Go out and have a drink for me to celebrate!
One of the best parts about the whole thing is that I have an entire month to kill between now and graduation, and absolutely nothing to do between now and then except take a final in my Classical and Renaissance Theatre class. I think I have loved this spring semester more than any semester I have had so far. I even loved the parts of it where I was writing my thesis (although that's mostly because I had a lot of distractions, like Justin Timberlake).
So that's all great, but the really major thing that happened today was that I finally decided on a Ph.D. program. I know I've been terrible about updating you here at the end of the process, but it's just because everything happened so fast and I had so much to think about. I ended up getting awesome financial aid offers from both schools. One offer came in on Monday night, the other came in on Tuesday morning. From that point I only had Tuesday, Wednesday, and today to make a decision since I need to have my official answers reach the schools through mail by Monday.
I won't bore you with the whole decision-making process except to say that it was the most difficult decision I have ever had to make in my entire life and that's no exaggeration. I talked to faculty at the schools, I talked to students currently in the programs, I talked to faculty here, I talked to my friends here, I talked to my parents (who are in Mexico for the week and are now going to have a ridiculous phone bill from hashing the whole thing out with me, sorry Dad!), I asked my basset board friends who live in both areas of the country for their opinions, I was practically asking strangers on the street for their opinion. In the end I felt like I made the most informed decision I possibly could, considering I didn't have the time to visit both campuses.
I'm feeling good about my decision. I chose the school that is going to give me the biggest stipend for my teaching assistantship (even taking cost of living into consideration, this school is still giving me more money than the other one would have) and they are also going to give me health insurance, pay my full tuition for up to four years, and give me $2000 of travel/research money for my first two summers. It's an amazing offer, and one that I ultimately just couldn't refuse. I also feel confident that I will be able to find good dissertation advisors in this program, and I'm excited about where I'll be living. And that's what it came down to, ultimately. My friend and professor, Christin, who just finished her Ph.D. in December, pointed out that the Ph.D. is such a self-directed degree anyway that when comparing two very similar programs, the programs themselves don't matter as much. So she said, "Where would you rather live?" And when she put it that way, my decision, which was already becoming pretty obvious, was clear.
Alright, enough of the suspense. I'm sorry, I couldn't resist. And you probably just scrolled down to find out what I chose anyway, right? So...
[Haha, just kidding! This used to say which school I chose, but now that identifying information has been deleted. Figure it out for yourself, or e-mail me or myspace message me if you know me personally and want to know]
But today? Today I sat before my committee and defended my thesis and took my comprehensive exam. Two hours sitting across the table from three professors, answering questions about everything I've learned about theatre EVER was one of the most intimidating and stressful things I have done in a long time. And to think, I went into this with full confidence that I would pass and I was still that nervous when it came time to actually do the defense. I don't know how I'm going to do this whole comprehensive exam thing again in a couple of years, much less defend a dissertation.
But the important thing right now is that I passed my exam and my defense, and now I get to graduate for sure! I am a Master of Arts (officially as of May 12th, but technically as of right now)! Go out and have a drink for me to celebrate!
One of the best parts about the whole thing is that I have an entire month to kill between now and graduation, and absolutely nothing to do between now and then except take a final in my Classical and Renaissance Theatre class. I think I have loved this spring semester more than any semester I have had so far. I even loved the parts of it where I was writing my thesis (although that's mostly because I had a lot of distractions, like Justin Timberlake).
So that's all great, but the really major thing that happened today was that I finally decided on a Ph.D. program. I know I've been terrible about updating you here at the end of the process, but it's just because everything happened so fast and I had so much to think about. I ended up getting awesome financial aid offers from both schools. One offer came in on Monday night, the other came in on Tuesday morning. From that point I only had Tuesday, Wednesday, and today to make a decision since I need to have my official answers reach the schools through mail by Monday.
I won't bore you with the whole decision-making process except to say that it was the most difficult decision I have ever had to make in my entire life and that's no exaggeration. I talked to faculty at the schools, I talked to students currently in the programs, I talked to faculty here, I talked to my friends here, I talked to my parents (who are in Mexico for the week and are now going to have a ridiculous phone bill from hashing the whole thing out with me, sorry Dad!), I asked my basset board friends who live in both areas of the country for their opinions, I was practically asking strangers on the street for their opinion. In the end I felt like I made the most informed decision I possibly could, considering I didn't have the time to visit both campuses.
I'm feeling good about my decision. I chose the school that is going to give me the biggest stipend for my teaching assistantship (even taking cost of living into consideration, this school is still giving me more money than the other one would have) and they are also going to give me health insurance, pay my full tuition for up to four years, and give me $2000 of travel/research money for my first two summers. It's an amazing offer, and one that I ultimately just couldn't refuse. I also feel confident that I will be able to find good dissertation advisors in this program, and I'm excited about where I'll be living. And that's what it came down to, ultimately. My friend and professor, Christin, who just finished her Ph.D. in December, pointed out that the Ph.D. is such a self-directed degree anyway that when comparing two very similar programs, the programs themselves don't matter as much. So she said, "Where would you rather live?" And when she put it that way, my decision, which was already becoming pretty obvious, was clear.
Alright, enough of the suspense. I'm sorry, I couldn't resist. And you probably just scrolled down to find out what I chose anyway, right? So...
[Haha, just kidding! This used to say which school I chose, but now that identifying information has been deleted. Figure it out for yourself, or e-mail me or myspace message me if you know me personally and want to know]
Monday, April 09, 2007
Eeeee!
Know what's fun? Having two schools and being able to very carefully play them against each other to get the best possible deal for myself. It feels so good to be wanted.
By the end of this week I should know for sure where I'm going. Sorry for not writing more right now, I have a book report to write before tomorrow (a book report, I know, what am I, nine?) and I haven't even finished the book yet, much less started writing the five page report. I just had to let you know, for those of you that have been listening to me babble about this stuff since last summer, that I'll have a plan soon.
I'm so excited! And freaked out! And excited!
By the end of this week I should know for sure where I'm going. Sorry for not writing more right now, I have a book report to write before tomorrow (a book report, I know, what am I, nine?) and I haven't even finished the book yet, much less started writing the five page report. I just had to let you know, for those of you that have been listening to me babble about this stuff since last summer, that I'll have a plan soon.
I'm so excited! And freaked out! And excited!
Thursday, April 05, 2007
The Universe is For Me, or Against Me, I'm not Really Sure
So after all that babbling yesterday, I heard from two more schools today. One, the other California school, doesn't want me. The other, however, DOES. And there's still one more school that has yet to accept or reject me, but since it's the weakest program (still a good program, but the weakest) there's no way I'd go there unless they gave me a financial aid offer and neither of the other schools did. So it's down to a decision between two schools. Fortunately, this is a very pleasant dilemma to have, and I'm grateful to have two options because it means the fact that I got into the up-North school wasn't just a fluke, I really am a qualified candidate, apparently. I feel more confident now that I have two schools to choose from. Incidentally, I also feel more confident having gotten rejection letters, too. I know that sounds silly, but when I got into college and then got into an MA program, I got nothing but acceptance letters, which left me with the idea that ANYONE can get into those programs and do what I'm doing. Which isn't true, I know that, but that's what it felt like. But now, having gotten both acceptance and rejection letters, for the first time in my life I'm really thrilled at having been accepted anywhere because I realize that it actually is pretty difficult to get into a Ph.D. program, much less one of your top choice Ph.D. programs. So yes, it's flattering, and it's a great decision to have to make, but still, I HAVE TO MAKE A DECISION.
The guy who wrote me from School #2 today wrote an extremely flattering letter that basically said, in not so many words "We really want you, we're going to give you a financial aid package that matches our extreme enthusiasm for your application, please don't accept the other offer without hearing ours first". And that's all fine and good, except that they don't think they'll be able to officially present their financial aid offer until April 12th, which is exactly four days before I need to declare my intention at School #1. Not a lot of time for decision-making. The other problem is that School #1 has yet to present their financial aid offer, either. I wrote to School #1 today, now that I have another card to play, and told them that I have another offer and would really like to be able to consider both programs--including their financial aid offers--side by side so that I can make a truly informed decision. So I'm hoping that now school #1 will either get on the ball and give me my financial aid offer ASAP, or that they'll let me wait on accepting or declining their offer of admission until they have had a chance to give me my financial aid offer.
And then I'm hoping one offer is substantially better than the other, because otherwise I seriously don't know how I'm going to make this decision. I'm trying not to freak out about it yet and to just be thankful that by this time next week I should know for sure where I'm going, but still. I hate making major life-changing decisions, especially in this case where I've never actually visited either school and can't make a decision based on gut instincts, which is what I usually do.
Anyway, wish me luck in the decision-making process. I'm off to Houston/Galveston for the weekend with Mandi tomorrow. We're spending Friday night in Houston to hang out with Matthew and one of Mandi's friends and then I'm going home with Mandi on Saturday to meet her mom and spend Easter there, hopefully on the beach if it doesn't get too cold this weekend. It should be fun. So long until I get back.
The guy who wrote me from School #2 today wrote an extremely flattering letter that basically said, in not so many words "We really want you, we're going to give you a financial aid package that matches our extreme enthusiasm for your application, please don't accept the other offer without hearing ours first". And that's all fine and good, except that they don't think they'll be able to officially present their financial aid offer until April 12th, which is exactly four days before I need to declare my intention at School #1. Not a lot of time for decision-making. The other problem is that School #1 has yet to present their financial aid offer, either. I wrote to School #1 today, now that I have another card to play, and told them that I have another offer and would really like to be able to consider both programs--including their financial aid offers--side by side so that I can make a truly informed decision. So I'm hoping that now school #1 will either get on the ball and give me my financial aid offer ASAP, or that they'll let me wait on accepting or declining their offer of admission until they have had a chance to give me my financial aid offer.
And then I'm hoping one offer is substantially better than the other, because otherwise I seriously don't know how I'm going to make this decision. I'm trying not to freak out about it yet and to just be thankful that by this time next week I should know for sure where I'm going, but still. I hate making major life-changing decisions, especially in this case where I've never actually visited either school and can't make a decision based on gut instincts, which is what I usually do.
Anyway, wish me luck in the decision-making process. I'm off to Houston/Galveston for the weekend with Mandi tomorrow. We're spending Friday night in Houston to hang out with Matthew and one of Mandi's friends and then I'm going home with Mandi on Saturday to meet her mom and spend Easter there, hopefully on the beach if it doesn't get too cold this weekend. It should be fun. So long until I get back.
Wednesday, April 04, 2007
Just Wasting Time
It has been almost a week since my last post. Sorry guys, I'm slacking. I don't honestly feel like all that much has gone on in the past week, but I guess I must have been busy doing something since I didn't have time to write.
I haven't been busy studying, that's for sure. My thesis is back from my committee, and it's good to go other than a few minor punctuation things that weren't caught in earlier revisions (apparently I underpunctuated for the first time in my life; normally I'm the Comma Queen so I'm not sure how that happened). All in all I've been surprised at how easy writing the thesis was. It was time consuming, sure, but in retrospect it took much less time and effort than I thought it would. Now all I have to do to earn my degree is make those minor edits and get copies of my thesis bound at the library (once it gets approved by the grad college dean, which it will), do three more things for my Classical and Renaissance Drama class (another play report, a five-page book report, and a final exam) and do my thesis defense/comprehensive exam. That takes place a week from tomorrow, and I'm at a loss as to how to study for it. How do you cram two years (six years, really) of material into your head in a week? The answer is YOU DON'T, so I haven't studied at all yet and I don't think I'm going to. I either know it or I don't, at this point. I'm probably just going to skim my Dramatic Theory notes, and then I'm going to hope that they want to chat a lot about Shakespeare and the Greeks since that's what's fresh in my mind this semester. So yay! I'm almost done! A month and seven days until graduation! I think I'll spend the entire time lying out, reading for fun, trying on sun dresses, and bar hopping, which is what I've been doing with my free time so far. Don't you just hate me this month?
Speaking of graduation, I still don't know where I'm going when I'm done here. I finally e-mailed the three schools I haven't heard from, but I haven't gotten a reply yet. I'm hoping that the fact that I have another offer will make them give me an answer promptly, but who knows. I'm not-so-secretly hoping that all three will come back as either rejections or "sorry, there's just no way we can let you know your status before April 17th" because then I won't have to make a decision on where to go, I can just accept my current offer. Because the thought of actually having to make a decision that important in a matter of days is really daunting to me. It would be kind of nice if the universe just gave me one clear path for now.
And speaking of trying to decide what to do, my dad was in town last night and he said--with no prompting from me at all whatsoever, which leads me to believe that he and Mom just don't want me cramping their style, haha--that he and my mom would pay my rent for me if I decided I'd rather spend the summer living here instead of in El Paso. Unfortunately, it's too late for me to stay in my current apartment because I would have had to renew my lease by the middle of March, and I don't know if they'd have let me go month-to-month anyway. Subletting another apartment here for just three months at most seems pretty pointless, and my sister mentioned I could move into her house in Austin for the summer but...eh. I hate packing and unpacking. I also really, really, REALLY hate not having my own space. I don't care how big my own space is, I just need to know that I have some space of my own to organize the way I want. So if I moved up to Chelsea's, I wouldn't really have my own space, I'd presumably have her space with all her stuff still in it, even if she had technically moved to her boyfriend's house (which is her current plan). Or if she had moved out completely, I'd have to move all my own stuff to her house and then move it again three months later. Not fun. Plus I'd have to find a job in Austin since I wouldn't want to commute back and forth to my job here all summer, and finding a job in Austin for three months seems pointless, too. And then there's the fact that ideally I only want to pack and unpack one time. I want to pack here, and unpack when I get to wherever I'm going. I realize that I might have to move stuff into storage temporarily, but that isn't completely packing and unpacking, that's just loading and unloading. And ideally I'll somehow find a way to skip that step, too (maybe use one of those shipping/storage companies like those Pod things? I don't know). So moving all my stuff to another location in this area, unpacking it or living with my space like a storage unit (UGH) and then packing it all up again and moving in the fall just seems stupid.
What makes sense, of course, is to just go back to El Paso. In El Paso I have my own space at my parents' house. It's just a bedroom, sure, but at least it's all mine and it doesn't involve any unpacking to make it livable and I know I'm capable of being comfortable and relaxed there even if I am living out of a suitcase for three months while most of my stuff is in storage. More importantly, in El Paso I have a definite job where a) I can make better money than I'm currently making here at Applebees and b) my dad is my boss so I can have time off to go on family vacations, go to Ruidoso, maybe visit Cassie, etc. Plus I wouldn't have to be paying rent, and I honestly wouldn't have to be paying for much of anything while living with my parents. Trying to earn and save as much money as possible this summer seems like the best possible plan.
The one thing lacking in El Paso, though, is my friends. But logically, I just can't convince myself that hanging out with my friends is enough of a reason to stay here all summer. Especially since most of my usual gang is spending most of the summer in Stratford (or Canada). The truth is, even if I stayed here for the summer, I probably wouldn't have all that much of a social life anyway. It wouldn't be like it is right now, that's for sure. I just hope I don't regret the decision to go home, though. I hope I don't get there and feel bored out of my mind all summer. I hope that I can hang out with Mike and the people I know through him without it being weird, I hope that I can make my own friends at the bar or elsewhere. I hope that my grand scheme to take several vacations works out, because I think I can definitely handle--and would even enjoy--spending a few weeks in El Paso, then taking a week-long vacation, then spending another few weeks in El Paso, then going on vacation again, etc.
I just don't want to make the wrong decision. About anything. But I also make the best of things no matter what I decide, so maybe there are no wrong decisions for me. I don't know.
Oh, and about those friends that I don't want to leave behind? Well, this afternoon Richie and I were standing at the box office together watching these scenes that were going on in the lobby (our department's contribution to this ) and during a very quiet scene change Richie turned to me and said, very loudly, "How are you, anyway? I haven't seen you since our drunken night!" And the guy working in the box office just goes, "Uh..." and Richie was like, "Oh. I meant..." and everyone turned to stare and I had to quickly clarify, "Not OUR drunken night. A drunken night," and I think everyone in hearing range was relieved because Richie and I share the exact same taste in men, and he's engaged, and Richie and I having a drunken night together would blow everyone's mind. Ha. Plus all that actually happened on our drunken night was that Richie ate the world's most disgusting hot dog and then five minutes later bought a slice of pizza because he'd somehow totally forgotten that he ate the hot dog. I love Richie.
I haven't been busy studying, that's for sure. My thesis is back from my committee, and it's good to go other than a few minor punctuation things that weren't caught in earlier revisions (apparently I underpunctuated for the first time in my life; normally I'm the Comma Queen so I'm not sure how that happened). All in all I've been surprised at how easy writing the thesis was. It was time consuming, sure, but in retrospect it took much less time and effort than I thought it would. Now all I have to do to earn my degree is make those minor edits and get copies of my thesis bound at the library (once it gets approved by the grad college dean, which it will), do three more things for my Classical and Renaissance Drama class (another play report, a five-page book report, and a final exam) and do my thesis defense/comprehensive exam. That takes place a week from tomorrow, and I'm at a loss as to how to study for it. How do you cram two years (six years, really) of material into your head in a week? The answer is YOU DON'T, so I haven't studied at all yet and I don't think I'm going to. I either know it or I don't, at this point. I'm probably just going to skim my Dramatic Theory notes, and then I'm going to hope that they want to chat a lot about Shakespeare and the Greeks since that's what's fresh in my mind this semester. So yay! I'm almost done! A month and seven days until graduation! I think I'll spend the entire time lying out, reading for fun, trying on sun dresses, and bar hopping, which is what I've been doing with my free time so far. Don't you just hate me this month?
Speaking of graduation, I still don't know where I'm going when I'm done here. I finally e-mailed the three schools I haven't heard from, but I haven't gotten a reply yet. I'm hoping that the fact that I have another offer will make them give me an answer promptly, but who knows. I'm not-so-secretly hoping that all three will come back as either rejections or "sorry, there's just no way we can let you know your status before April 17th" because then I won't have to make a decision on where to go, I can just accept my current offer. Because the thought of actually having to make a decision that important in a matter of days is really daunting to me. It would be kind of nice if the universe just gave me one clear path for now.
And speaking of trying to decide what to do, my dad was in town last night and he said--with no prompting from me at all whatsoever, which leads me to believe that he and Mom just don't want me cramping their style, haha--that he and my mom would pay my rent for me if I decided I'd rather spend the summer living here instead of in El Paso. Unfortunately, it's too late for me to stay in my current apartment because I would have had to renew my lease by the middle of March, and I don't know if they'd have let me go month-to-month anyway. Subletting another apartment here for just three months at most seems pretty pointless, and my sister mentioned I could move into her house in Austin for the summer but...eh. I hate packing and unpacking. I also really, really, REALLY hate not having my own space. I don't care how big my own space is, I just need to know that I have some space of my own to organize the way I want. So if I moved up to Chelsea's, I wouldn't really have my own space, I'd presumably have her space with all her stuff still in it, even if she had technically moved to her boyfriend's house (which is her current plan). Or if she had moved out completely, I'd have to move all my own stuff to her house and then move it again three months later. Not fun. Plus I'd have to find a job in Austin since I wouldn't want to commute back and forth to my job here all summer, and finding a job in Austin for three months seems pointless, too. And then there's the fact that ideally I only want to pack and unpack one time. I want to pack here, and unpack when I get to wherever I'm going. I realize that I might have to move stuff into storage temporarily, but that isn't completely packing and unpacking, that's just loading and unloading. And ideally I'll somehow find a way to skip that step, too (maybe use one of those shipping/storage companies like those Pod things? I don't know). So moving all my stuff to another location in this area, unpacking it or living with my space like a storage unit (UGH) and then packing it all up again and moving in the fall just seems stupid.
What makes sense, of course, is to just go back to El Paso. In El Paso I have my own space at my parents' house. It's just a bedroom, sure, but at least it's all mine and it doesn't involve any unpacking to make it livable and I know I'm capable of being comfortable and relaxed there even if I am living out of a suitcase for three months while most of my stuff is in storage. More importantly, in El Paso I have a definite job where a) I can make better money than I'm currently making here at Applebees and b) my dad is my boss so I can have time off to go on family vacations, go to Ruidoso, maybe visit Cassie, etc. Plus I wouldn't have to be paying rent, and I honestly wouldn't have to be paying for much of anything while living with my parents. Trying to earn and save as much money as possible this summer seems like the best possible plan.
The one thing lacking in El Paso, though, is my friends. But logically, I just can't convince myself that hanging out with my friends is enough of a reason to stay here all summer. Especially since most of my usual gang is spending most of the summer in Stratford (or Canada). The truth is, even if I stayed here for the summer, I probably wouldn't have all that much of a social life anyway. It wouldn't be like it is right now, that's for sure. I just hope I don't regret the decision to go home, though. I hope I don't get there and feel bored out of my mind all summer. I hope that I can hang out with Mike and the people I know through him without it being weird, I hope that I can make my own friends at the bar or elsewhere. I hope that my grand scheme to take several vacations works out, because I think I can definitely handle--and would even enjoy--spending a few weeks in El Paso, then taking a week-long vacation, then spending another few weeks in El Paso, then going on vacation again, etc.
I just don't want to make the wrong decision. About anything. But I also make the best of things no matter what I decide, so maybe there are no wrong decisions for me. I don't know.
Oh, and about those friends that I don't want to leave behind? Well, this afternoon Richie and I were standing at the box office together watching these scenes that were going on in the lobby (our department's contribution to this ) and during a very quiet scene change Richie turned to me and said, very loudly, "How are you, anyway? I haven't seen you since our drunken night!" And the guy working in the box office just goes, "Uh..." and Richie was like, "Oh. I meant..." and everyone turned to stare and I had to quickly clarify, "Not OUR drunken night. A drunken night," and I think everyone in hearing range was relieved because Richie and I share the exact same taste in men, and he's engaged, and Richie and I having a drunken night together would blow everyone's mind. Ha. Plus all that actually happened on our drunken night was that Richie ate the world's most disgusting hot dog and then five minutes later bought a slice of pizza because he'd somehow totally forgotten that he ate the hot dog. I love Richie.
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