The past 24 hours have been weird.
Last night I had a talk with Mike and ended up getting really depressed and sad, and basically deciding that I hate him, hate myself, and that there's no point in being hopeful for anything because even if good things happen they're always only temporary. And of course, that's not me. I don't hate myself at all. I may somewhat hate the way I've been acting at certain times during the past six weeks, but I don't hate ME. And I don't hate him, either. Not even remotely. And that's not actually how I feel about life most of the time at all. The majority of my life has been very good, and I have no reason to expect that it won't continue to be good. Just because I'm in a bit of a slump right now relationship-wise is no reason to freak out and change my entire outlook on life. Besides, the rest of my life is going remarkably well at the moment, as far as friendships and school go. I realize that I need to focus on the positive and quit letting my mind spiral into negativity. And I'm going to stop focusing on the negative. REALLY.
Of course, it's easy to say that right now after a good, busy day. I still don't have a lot of control over the sadness. It still hits me like a wave sometimes and just sends me into this insane, self-destructive mode (Not physically self-destructive, nothing that intense. It's a mental thing) . Luckily the waves of sadness get farther and farther apart week by week, and I know that they'll just keep spacing out more and more. Seriously, though, I'm determined to try my best to keep focusing on the positive. I don't need anymore nights like last night.
And hey, after my bad night last night I had that candy dream that I mentioned in the post I made earlier today. So who knows, maybe all my troubles really are gonna go away soon.
This post wasn't supposed to be about me, though. I'm getting bored with talking about me and my stupid emotions. It's not entertaining to anyone. Not that I'm actually trying to be entertaining here, per se, but I'm pretty sure I've exhausted the whole Me-and-Mike-and-Is-He-The-One?-And-Why-Does-He-Have-A-Girlfriend-Who-Doesn't-Even-Give-Me-The-Satisfaction-Of-Actually-Being-Better-Than-Me-In-Any-Way?-And-Why-Do-I-Even-Care-About-Him?-I-Can-Find-Someone-Else topic.
No, what I wanted to say is that the past 24 hours have not been a good time for relationships in general. Kymberli called me last night crying and upset about issues with her boyfriend. I felt awful for her, especially since I can commiserate right now, being so down about a guy myself. I helped as much as possible (which probably wasn't much at all, honestly). Then this morning Jenny called me, also crying about relationship stuff. So in the past 24 hours I have cried, and two of my best friends have called me in tears.
I was telling Matthew about it on our way to rehearsal this afternoon, and I said, "This is ridiculous. On the bright side, at least it's not just me. Something has to be up in the world right now."
And Matthew said, in all seriousness, "Oh yeah. Mercury went into retrograde today, AND there's a solar eclipse."
Thank you, Matthew. That must be it. I always overlook the obvious answers like the planets affecting my sense of well-being. [Insert dripping sarcasm here]
Matthew makes me smile. Honestly, though, at least now I have a good excuse for not being myself yesterday. I blame it all on Mercury. Fuckin' Mercury.
Wednesday, March 29, 2006
Spring Break Recap
I know, I know. But better late than never, right?
Here is South Padre Island Spring Break 2006 in a nutshell:
Number of hours it took to get from San Antonio (where all the El Paso people picked me up) to our hotel on Padre: 7
Number of hours it probably should have took: 4 1/2 (Why it took so long? I have no freakin' idea. We stopped. A lot. Eleven people traveling together is not exactly conducive to doing anything quickly or easily).
Number of days I was in various stages on the Buzzed-to-Drunk scale literally from the time I woke up in the morning until I went to bed at night: 4
Number of beers I drank daily on the beach: I have no idea because I always lost count somewhere around number 3 or 4 and then continued to beer bong long past that point.
Number of times I got really drunk and ran into the ocean with all of my clothes on: Once, at 3 in the morning on our first night there. About six or seven of us all ran into the ocean fully dressed. And it may have just been because I was really drunk, but it was one of the most fun moments of my life so far. The moon was shining, it was all cold and exciting, and for a few minutes I felt like I could do anything in the world and that I could get anything I wanted. I then went back to the hotel and showered with all of my clothes on, figuring what the hell, that would get all the salt out of them and get them clean. I'm still thanking god that I somehow had the presence of mind to take my cell phone out of my pocket before I went into the ocean.
Number of days it took my jeans to dry out completely after the swimming-in-the-ocean-in-the-middle-of-the-night fiasco: 3
Number of times Matt, Bob, or Luis said things that made me laugh so hard I almost died: 53, at least
Number of times we almost got our asses kicked by scary Mexican gangster guys at Taco Bell because Bob was being obnoxious and Matt felt like picking a fight: Once
Number of clubs we went to for dancing and ENORMOUS house drinks: 3
Number of free tank tops I got: 2. One came from the condom booth on the beach (it says "Trojan Hottie" and I wear it proudly), and the other one Luis stole out of a box at a club when he was drunk
Number of times Carla and I stood in the freezing cold ocean having long conversations about how stupid guys can be: 3
Number of times I got so drunk I passed out: NONE!! I was so proud of myself! Sure, I was buzzed the entire time I was there, but I can honestly say that each time I fell asleep it was through a conscious choice. Go me.
Number of times Mike got so drunk he passed out and then lay on the bed blowing spit bubbles in his sleep: Once. And I took pictures!
Number of times I had to sleep on the floor: Only once! We only had four beds and 11 people, so 8 people got beds and everyone else had to sleep on the floor.
Number of times this girl named Sarah that was part of our group went absolutely fucking psycho, had a fight with her best friend Rachel that included throwing Rachel to the ground and slamming all the hotel room doors with superhuman strength and the shouting of the words, "I'm nice! And I'm HOT!", and then packed up all her stuff and left the hotel still wearing nothing but her bikini and dragging her suitcase behind her, never to be seen again the rest of the trip: Once (And just so you don't think we're completely irresponsible, awful people, she did have other friends on the island and we figured she had gone to stay with them. Sure enough, the next day on the beach some guy she was friends with came up to us and said she was fine, so it's not like we left her to wander the island aimlessly and get raped or murdered. We're not that uncaring)
Number of sleeping bags that Matt "allegedly" peed on in his sleep: One (and there was no "allegedly" about it!)
Number of times Luis sang that godawful, "Rompe, rompe, rompe!" song: about 90
Number of people getting wasted on Coca-Cola Beach every day: Approximately equivalent to the entire population of the state of Wyoming. That's a hell of a lot of people on one beach.
Number of times I got really sad and honestly wanted to go back to Austin: Only once, after I left a club in anger and came back to the hotel by myself and Mike didn't care enough about my safety to follow me or even call to check if I was okay. I'm still pissed about that whenever I think about it, so I'm gonna change the subject rapidly now.
Number of times I thought, "This is fun, I'm so glad I decided to come after all.": Way more than once (thank god!)
Number of resolutions I made before going to Padre: 3. And they were 1) Don't cry, 2) Don't get so drunk you throw up, and 3) Don't fool around with Mike no matter how drunk he is because he has a girlfriend now.
Number of those resolutions I broke: 2 out of 3. Which leads us to...
Number of days I broke down and cried at some point: 3. Considering that including the days we drove down and the day we left the island Mike and I spent a grand total of 6 days together, I'd say the fact that I only cried on half of them was an accomplishment. It also helps that he was at least somewhat comforting, although not nearly enough (but what the hell can I expect?) It also really helps that every time the other people I was with could tell I'd been crying, they were really sweet. They fed me gummy bears and force-fed me sandwiches (thank you, Carla, I really was way too drunk and needed that sandwich, BADLY), and said things like, "You can do so much better. You're really hot and Hash...well...trust me, you can do better," and, "He loves you, he's just being stupid right now. She'll do something flakey and he'll come back to you, I know it" and, "You're the best girl he could ever be with, and if he doesn't realize that then he's an idiot," and, "We love you and we don't think you're crazy." I don't necessarily believe (or want to believe) some of those things, but the fact that they were coming from his friends who definitely should have been on his side and not on mine meant a lot.
Number of times Mike and I fooled around: 3. And only two of those times were because we were drunk. The third time it happened in the middle of the night after we'd stopped drinking at about 5 in the afternoon, so he can't blame that third time on being drunk. There's a lot I could say about how I feel about that, but it would be another entry entirely and I just don't feel like getting into it right now. At least he told his girlfriend that it happened. At least he's honest with her. I'd hate to think that of all the things that have happened/changed recently he's become a cheating liar, because he's not that kind of guy.
Anyway, all in all I guess I was glad I ended up going. I'm obviously still not convinced that Mike and I can be "just friends", but we had a pretty good time all things considering.
Since then I've continued to have ups and downs about how I feel about him. I still wish more than anything that he was with me, but I'm also realizing that there's absolutely nothing I can do to make that happen. And deep down I know that if he loves this other girl enough to actually want to stay with her, then he was never supposed to be the guy I'm going to spend my life with in the first place. There's no such thing as "the man you were supposed to be with" because if you were supposed to be with him, YOU WOULD BE. Maybe my relationship with Mike really has run its course. Or maybe by this time next year we'll be back together again. Or maybe by this time next year I'll have a new boyfriend and I'll only talk to Mike once a month to see how he's doing. Who the hell knows? I hate the not knowing, but I also know that there's nothing I can do about it.
I like to plan everything out as much as possible, but I'm trying to take the relationship portion of my life day by day for now. It's still hard and I'm still unhappy, but I know it will get better somehow. Mike and I will get a chance to really try being together, or I'll find someone that is such a fun match for me that for the rest of my life I'll laugh about how stupid I was to ever think I could spend my life with Mike. Either way it's going to work out okay in the end, I'm just not to that end point yet. In the meantime, I'm only 23. And even though I'm in the perfect position to be in a relationship right now, that doesn't necessarily mean that I need to be.
HBO told me in a commercial yesterday that "Everything worth having comes back eventually." So that's my new mantra. If he doesn't come back around, he was never worth having in the first place.
Last night I had a very vivid dream that I was picking out a variety of colorful candy and putting it in a bag to take home from a hotel I had been staying at. There was gummy candy, rock candy, cherry sours, jelly beans, on and on, and I was grabbing handfuls of it all and tasting everything and laughing with the unknown guy who was helping me pick out all the best stuff. I woke up still thinking about the dream. And while I don't put a lot of stock in dream decoding, I have to admit that it made me really happy to read that dreaming about candy is a "positive prophecy" and means that soon everything that is troubling me will be resolved.
Here is South Padre Island Spring Break 2006 in a nutshell:
Number of hours it took to get from San Antonio (where all the El Paso people picked me up) to our hotel on Padre: 7
Number of hours it probably should have took: 4 1/2 (Why it took so long? I have no freakin' idea. We stopped. A lot. Eleven people traveling together is not exactly conducive to doing anything quickly or easily).
Number of days I was in various stages on the Buzzed-to-Drunk scale literally from the time I woke up in the morning until I went to bed at night: 4
Number of beers I drank daily on the beach: I have no idea because I always lost count somewhere around number 3 or 4 and then continued to beer bong long past that point.
Number of times I got really drunk and ran into the ocean with all of my clothes on: Once, at 3 in the morning on our first night there. About six or seven of us all ran into the ocean fully dressed. And it may have just been because I was really drunk, but it was one of the most fun moments of my life so far. The moon was shining, it was all cold and exciting, and for a few minutes I felt like I could do anything in the world and that I could get anything I wanted. I then went back to the hotel and showered with all of my clothes on, figuring what the hell, that would get all the salt out of them and get them clean. I'm still thanking god that I somehow had the presence of mind to take my cell phone out of my pocket before I went into the ocean.
Number of days it took my jeans to dry out completely after the swimming-in-the-ocean-in-the-middle-of-the-night fiasco: 3
Number of times Matt, Bob, or Luis said things that made me laugh so hard I almost died: 53, at least
Number of times we almost got our asses kicked by scary Mexican gangster guys at Taco Bell because Bob was being obnoxious and Matt felt like picking a fight: Once
Number of clubs we went to for dancing and ENORMOUS house drinks: 3
Number of free tank tops I got: 2. One came from the condom booth on the beach (it says "Trojan Hottie" and I wear it proudly), and the other one Luis stole out of a box at a club when he was drunk
Number of times Carla and I stood in the freezing cold ocean having long conversations about how stupid guys can be: 3
Number of times I got so drunk I passed out: NONE!! I was so proud of myself! Sure, I was buzzed the entire time I was there, but I can honestly say that each time I fell asleep it was through a conscious choice. Go me.
Number of times Mike got so drunk he passed out and then lay on the bed blowing spit bubbles in his sleep: Once. And I took pictures!
Number of times I had to sleep on the floor: Only once! We only had four beds and 11 people, so 8 people got beds and everyone else had to sleep on the floor.
Number of times this girl named Sarah that was part of our group went absolutely fucking psycho, had a fight with her best friend Rachel that included throwing Rachel to the ground and slamming all the hotel room doors with superhuman strength and the shouting of the words, "I'm nice! And I'm HOT!", and then packed up all her stuff and left the hotel still wearing nothing but her bikini and dragging her suitcase behind her, never to be seen again the rest of the trip: Once (And just so you don't think we're completely irresponsible, awful people, she did have other friends on the island and we figured she had gone to stay with them. Sure enough, the next day on the beach some guy she was friends with came up to us and said she was fine, so it's not like we left her to wander the island aimlessly and get raped or murdered. We're not that uncaring)
Number of sleeping bags that Matt "allegedly" peed on in his sleep: One (and there was no "allegedly" about it!)
Number of times Luis sang that godawful, "Rompe, rompe, rompe!" song: about 90
Number of people getting wasted on Coca-Cola Beach every day: Approximately equivalent to the entire population of the state of Wyoming. That's a hell of a lot of people on one beach.
Number of times I got really sad and honestly wanted to go back to Austin: Only once, after I left a club in anger and came back to the hotel by myself and Mike didn't care enough about my safety to follow me or even call to check if I was okay. I'm still pissed about that whenever I think about it, so I'm gonna change the subject rapidly now.
Number of times I thought, "This is fun, I'm so glad I decided to come after all.": Way more than once (thank god!)
Number of resolutions I made before going to Padre: 3. And they were 1) Don't cry, 2) Don't get so drunk you throw up, and 3) Don't fool around with Mike no matter how drunk he is because he has a girlfriend now.
Number of those resolutions I broke: 2 out of 3. Which leads us to...
Number of days I broke down and cried at some point: 3. Considering that including the days we drove down and the day we left the island Mike and I spent a grand total of 6 days together, I'd say the fact that I only cried on half of them was an accomplishment. It also helps that he was at least somewhat comforting, although not nearly enough (but what the hell can I expect?) It also really helps that every time the other people I was with could tell I'd been crying, they were really sweet. They fed me gummy bears and force-fed me sandwiches (thank you, Carla, I really was way too drunk and needed that sandwich, BADLY), and said things like, "You can do so much better. You're really hot and Hash...well...trust me, you can do better," and, "He loves you, he's just being stupid right now. She'll do something flakey and he'll come back to you, I know it" and, "You're the best girl he could ever be with, and if he doesn't realize that then he's an idiot," and, "We love you and we don't think you're crazy." I don't necessarily believe (or want to believe) some of those things, but the fact that they were coming from his friends who definitely should have been on his side and not on mine meant a lot.
Number of times Mike and I fooled around: 3. And only two of those times were because we were drunk. The third time it happened in the middle of the night after we'd stopped drinking at about 5 in the afternoon, so he can't blame that third time on being drunk. There's a lot I could say about how I feel about that, but it would be another entry entirely and I just don't feel like getting into it right now. At least he told his girlfriend that it happened. At least he's honest with her. I'd hate to think that of all the things that have happened/changed recently he's become a cheating liar, because he's not that kind of guy.
Anyway, all in all I guess I was glad I ended up going. I'm obviously still not convinced that Mike and I can be "just friends", but we had a pretty good time all things considering.
Since then I've continued to have ups and downs about how I feel about him. I still wish more than anything that he was with me, but I'm also realizing that there's absolutely nothing I can do to make that happen. And deep down I know that if he loves this other girl enough to actually want to stay with her, then he was never supposed to be the guy I'm going to spend my life with in the first place. There's no such thing as "the man you were supposed to be with" because if you were supposed to be with him, YOU WOULD BE. Maybe my relationship with Mike really has run its course. Or maybe by this time next year we'll be back together again. Or maybe by this time next year I'll have a new boyfriend and I'll only talk to Mike once a month to see how he's doing. Who the hell knows? I hate the not knowing, but I also know that there's nothing I can do about it.
I like to plan everything out as much as possible, but I'm trying to take the relationship portion of my life day by day for now. It's still hard and I'm still unhappy, but I know it will get better somehow. Mike and I will get a chance to really try being together, or I'll find someone that is such a fun match for me that for the rest of my life I'll laugh about how stupid I was to ever think I could spend my life with Mike. Either way it's going to work out okay in the end, I'm just not to that end point yet. In the meantime, I'm only 23. And even though I'm in the perfect position to be in a relationship right now, that doesn't necessarily mean that I need to be.
HBO told me in a commercial yesterday that "Everything worth having comes back eventually." So that's my new mantra. If he doesn't come back around, he was never worth having in the first place.
Last night I had a very vivid dream that I was picking out a variety of colorful candy and putting it in a bag to take home from a hotel I had been staying at. There was gummy candy, rock candy, cherry sours, jelly beans, on and on, and I was grabbing handfuls of it all and tasting everything and laughing with the unknown guy who was helping me pick out all the best stuff. I woke up still thinking about the dream. And while I don't put a lot of stock in dream decoding, I have to admit that it made me really happy to read that dreaming about candy is a "positive prophecy" and means that soon everything that is troubling me will be resolved.
Wednesday, March 22, 2006
Recovery
I'm back!
The past however-many-days-I've-been-gone-from-here have been crazy. Padre was STUPID. In some ways it was stupid in the best possible way, and in other ways I'm amazed that somehow we made it through the week without anyone drowning/being arrested/making a trip to the emergency room. All in all it was about 70% really fun and awesome, and 30% depressing, which is actually a higher percentage of good than I was expecting. Ultimately I ended up being glad I went. It wasn't everything I hoped it would be, but it was worth going for sure, so that counts for something.
Then this past weekend Jenny, Ellen, Katy, and Kymberli all came down from Fort Worth to visit me. Girls' Weekend was great and much needed. I wish there was some way we could do it more often, but even finding this one weekend when we were all free took a couple of months of planning and a lot of luck.
Anyway, I'll describe all of spring break in more detail eventually (I want to, anyway. No promises of course).
In meantime, I have a hell of a lot of work to do right now. This week is definitely a hell week with three major assignments due Thursday. I've finished two of them, but I'll be up all night tomorrow for sure. I've also been feeling more mopey ever since break ended. That makes me kinda mad, because I thought I'd actually feel better once spring break was over and I didn't have to worry about how seeing Mike was going to be. Instead, I actually feel worse now. I mean, I don't feel worse than I did a month ago, but I feel worse than I did on break or just prior to break, you know? So I'm on a mission to stay as busy as possible to keep myself distracted. If I can't get over this I can at least keep myself occupied so I stop acting all emotional and crazy, and eventually I figure I will forget about all this if I stay busy enough. Here's hoping, anyway!
Ooh, I do have a really awesome update, though. I talked to my advisor yesterday, and she asked if I was still interested in doing a dramaturgy project for my thesis. I said yes, and she said the season is pretty much set and so get this: There's about a 99% chance that I'm going to get to do my thesis project on The Rocky Horror Show! I'm going to write my graduate thesis on The Rocky Horror Show! Who does that?! I'm pretty sure that that is the most awesome thesis topic ever of all time and I really hope it works out. My other option is Tennessee Williams' Night of the Iguana, but that's not nearly as much fun because there are billions of thesis projects on Tennessee Williams. But The Rocky Horror Show? Not so much. Anyway, I'm keeping my fingers crossed that that works out.
Alright, I have to go work on the 600,000 things I should be doing right now, including finishing my storyboard for Directing. It's more or less a collage, which--if you're keeping track--is the third collage project I've done this semester. That's pretty ridiculous. I think I'm gonna put that on my CV. Special skills: Collaging.
The past however-many-days-I've-been-gone-from-here have been crazy. Padre was STUPID. In some ways it was stupid in the best possible way, and in other ways I'm amazed that somehow we made it through the week without anyone drowning/being arrested/making a trip to the emergency room. All in all it was about 70% really fun and awesome, and 30% depressing, which is actually a higher percentage of good than I was expecting. Ultimately I ended up being glad I went. It wasn't everything I hoped it would be, but it was worth going for sure, so that counts for something.
Then this past weekend Jenny, Ellen, Katy, and Kymberli all came down from Fort Worth to visit me. Girls' Weekend was great and much needed. I wish there was some way we could do it more often, but even finding this one weekend when we were all free took a couple of months of planning and a lot of luck.
Anyway, I'll describe all of spring break in more detail eventually (I want to, anyway. No promises of course).
In meantime, I have a hell of a lot of work to do right now. This week is definitely a hell week with three major assignments due Thursday. I've finished two of them, but I'll be up all night tomorrow for sure. I've also been feeling more mopey ever since break ended. That makes me kinda mad, because I thought I'd actually feel better once spring break was over and I didn't have to worry about how seeing Mike was going to be. Instead, I actually feel worse now. I mean, I don't feel worse than I did a month ago, but I feel worse than I did on break or just prior to break, you know? So I'm on a mission to stay as busy as possible to keep myself distracted. If I can't get over this I can at least keep myself occupied so I stop acting all emotional and crazy, and eventually I figure I will forget about all this if I stay busy enough. Here's hoping, anyway!
Ooh, I do have a really awesome update, though. I talked to my advisor yesterday, and she asked if I was still interested in doing a dramaturgy project for my thesis. I said yes, and she said the season is pretty much set and so get this: There's about a 99% chance that I'm going to get to do my thesis project on The Rocky Horror Show! I'm going to write my graduate thesis on The Rocky Horror Show! Who does that?! I'm pretty sure that that is the most awesome thesis topic ever of all time and I really hope it works out. My other option is Tennessee Williams' Night of the Iguana, but that's not nearly as much fun because there are billions of thesis projects on Tennessee Williams. But The Rocky Horror Show? Not so much. Anyway, I'm keeping my fingers crossed that that works out.
Alright, I have to go work on the 600,000 things I should be doing right now, including finishing my storyboard for Directing. It's more or less a collage, which--if you're keeping track--is the third collage project I've done this semester. That's pretty ridiculous. I think I'm gonna put that on my CV. Special skills: Collaging.
Thursday, March 09, 2006
I'll dunk my cookies in your tears
Today has been both really crappy and really awesome. Probably more awesome than crappy, though, so that's good. It was crap because:
1) In Directing today Mr. Gay-but-in-the-Closet-Married-to-a-Butch-Woman-Who-May-Very-Well-Be-A-Lesbian Professor Man announced that the first performances of our shows are going to be done in class on April 4th. I have several major problems with this, mostly the fact that I'm doing a 30 minute Shakespeare scene and there's no way all of my actors are going to be off book and ready to perform with less than two weeks to actually work on the scene (next week doesn't count, it's spring break!). For several reasons that I won't get into right now this is a very unfair situation and I'm pretty pissed about it. And really stressed about it. But what can you do?
2) I had to take my Dramaturgy midterm. I spent the whole day cramming. I feel like I did okay on it, but it has been 3 1/2 hours since I finished the test and my entire right hand and arm is still aching. You try handwriting 9 pages plus two pages of outlines in 3 hours. Oh, and make sure it's actually legible. Why can't we use laptops for these tests? Seriously.
3) The Padre trip is the day after tomorrow and I'm feeling pretty apprehensive about it. Basically, I'm afraid it's going to suck and I'll just be drunk and weepy the whole time. I don't think that's actually going to happen, but I'm not as excited about this trip as I was once upon a time.
On the bright side, today was awesome because:
1) I got my Dramatic Theory midterm back and I got a 98! 98! I was pretty sure I'd more or less failed the whole thing because that was the night Chelsea and I spent a significant amount of time making up interpretive dances to Enya songs instead of studying. But I once again somehow managed to get an awesome score with a minimal amount of effort. I also got a 95 on a Theory paper I wrote a couple of weeks ago that I was pretty sure was pure crap. Needless to say, I feel pretty fucking brilliant right now. Mainly I think I've been doing so well in that class because I'm an awesome note-taker. Seriously, I don't have a lot of special skills, but I'm the best note-taker I know. Impressive, huh? Somehow this skill has leaked to the rest of the grad students and now there are four people who regularly borrow my notebook to make copies (even though they also take their own notes). I should really start charging for this service.
Digression: this note-taking talk reminds me of one of my early memories of Kymberli. We had Stagecraft together freshman year and early in the semester we were studying together for a test. Something came up that I was unclear on, so I asked Kymberli, "Hey, can I see your notes for September 20th?" When she opened her notebook to that date, it had approximately three lines of notes followed by her name written about 600 times and then a final scrawl: "I am ADD. Ask Ashley for notes." To this day that's pretty much my friendship with Kymbo in a nutshell. Haha. I love remembering that...CANNOT believe that was almost five years ago!
2) Speaking of Kymbo I found out today that, she might come visit me next weekend! Jenny and Ellen are coming down for St. Patrick's Day for sure. We've been planning their trip for about a week now. And then yesterday I called to invite Katy, too. I'd been thinking about it anyway and then Jenny called and said, "Why don't you invite Katy?" so that settled it. Katy says she's going to come down, too, and it would just be wrong to hang out with Jenny and Katy without Kymberli there, so I invited her to come down, too. So it's entirely possible that all of my favorite girls might be here next weekend!! I'm really excited about it. I figure even if Padre does end up sucking, at least part of the break will be fun!
3) SPRING BREAK STARTED! Honestly, I'm not dreading Padre. I'm actually more or less looking forward to it now that it's almost time to go. My goal is just to try to control the drinking as much as possible since I know I'll just be stupid if I get drunk (Oh, who am I kidding. I'll be drunk and stupid. But I'm hoping for the best). At the very least it should be nice hanging out on the beach and doing nothing for a few days.
Finally, this is neither awesome nor crappy, it's just a weird thing that happened today. This morning after my directing class I was walking out to my car. I follow this dirt path from the theatre building out to the street, and as I was walking on the path this morning this girl Bridget was walking a few yards in front of me. Suddenly she came to an abrupt stop, stood on one foot and took off her sandal, shook a rock out of it, and then put it back on and kept walking. That itself wasn't weird at all. Here's what's weird, though: four hours later I was once again on the same path walking out to my car after my Playwriting class (I drive back and forth to school three times on Tuesdays and Thursdays just because I have awkward long breaks and I'd rather be chillin' at home than at school. It's only a five minute drive anyway). As I walked down the path there was once again a girl walking in front of me. And suddenly she came to an abrupt stop, stood on one foot and took off her sandal, shook a rock out of it, and then put it back on and kept walking! In the exact same spot Bridget had done the same thing four hours earlier! What are the odds of that happening? I feel like I witnessed a glitch in the Matrix.
Alright, I need to go to sleep. I'm so worn out, and I have a lot to do tomorrow to get ready to leave town on Saturday. I probably won't post again until after spring break. Let's just hope I survive, because it has the potential to be either a) really depressing, b) really crazy, or c) both.
1) In Directing today Mr. Gay-but-in-the-Closet-Married-to-a-Butch-Woman-Who-May-Very-Well-Be-A-Lesbian Professor Man announced that the first performances of our shows are going to be done in class on April 4th. I have several major problems with this, mostly the fact that I'm doing a 30 minute Shakespeare scene and there's no way all of my actors are going to be off book and ready to perform with less than two weeks to actually work on the scene (next week doesn't count, it's spring break!). For several reasons that I won't get into right now this is a very unfair situation and I'm pretty pissed about it. And really stressed about it. But what can you do?
2) I had to take my Dramaturgy midterm. I spent the whole day cramming. I feel like I did okay on it, but it has been 3 1/2 hours since I finished the test and my entire right hand and arm is still aching. You try handwriting 9 pages plus two pages of outlines in 3 hours. Oh, and make sure it's actually legible. Why can't we use laptops for these tests? Seriously.
3) The Padre trip is the day after tomorrow and I'm feeling pretty apprehensive about it. Basically, I'm afraid it's going to suck and I'll just be drunk and weepy the whole time. I don't think that's actually going to happen, but I'm not as excited about this trip as I was once upon a time.
On the bright side, today was awesome because:
1) I got my Dramatic Theory midterm back and I got a 98! 98! I was pretty sure I'd more or less failed the whole thing because that was the night Chelsea and I spent a significant amount of time making up interpretive dances to Enya songs instead of studying. But I once again somehow managed to get an awesome score with a minimal amount of effort. I also got a 95 on a Theory paper I wrote a couple of weeks ago that I was pretty sure was pure crap. Needless to say, I feel pretty fucking brilliant right now. Mainly I think I've been doing so well in that class because I'm an awesome note-taker. Seriously, I don't have a lot of special skills, but I'm the best note-taker I know. Impressive, huh? Somehow this skill has leaked to the rest of the grad students and now there are four people who regularly borrow my notebook to make copies (even though they also take their own notes). I should really start charging for this service.
Digression: this note-taking talk reminds me of one of my early memories of Kymberli. We had Stagecraft together freshman year and early in the semester we were studying together for a test. Something came up that I was unclear on, so I asked Kymberli, "Hey, can I see your notes for September 20th?" When she opened her notebook to that date, it had approximately three lines of notes followed by her name written about 600 times and then a final scrawl: "I am ADD. Ask Ashley for notes." To this day that's pretty much my friendship with Kymbo in a nutshell. Haha. I love remembering that...CANNOT believe that was almost five years ago!
2) Speaking of Kymbo I found out today that, she might come visit me next weekend! Jenny and Ellen are coming down for St. Patrick's Day for sure. We've been planning their trip for about a week now. And then yesterday I called to invite Katy, too. I'd been thinking about it anyway and then Jenny called and said, "Why don't you invite Katy?" so that settled it. Katy says she's going to come down, too, and it would just be wrong to hang out with Jenny and Katy without Kymberli there, so I invited her to come down, too. So it's entirely possible that all of my favorite girls might be here next weekend!! I'm really excited about it. I figure even if Padre does end up sucking, at least part of the break will be fun!
3) SPRING BREAK STARTED! Honestly, I'm not dreading Padre. I'm actually more or less looking forward to it now that it's almost time to go. My goal is just to try to control the drinking as much as possible since I know I'll just be stupid if I get drunk (Oh, who am I kidding. I'll be drunk and stupid. But I'm hoping for the best). At the very least it should be nice hanging out on the beach and doing nothing for a few days.
Finally, this is neither awesome nor crappy, it's just a weird thing that happened today. This morning after my directing class I was walking out to my car. I follow this dirt path from the theatre building out to the street, and as I was walking on the path this morning this girl Bridget was walking a few yards in front of me. Suddenly she came to an abrupt stop, stood on one foot and took off her sandal, shook a rock out of it, and then put it back on and kept walking. That itself wasn't weird at all. Here's what's weird, though: four hours later I was once again on the same path walking out to my car after my Playwriting class (I drive back and forth to school three times on Tuesdays and Thursdays just because I have awkward long breaks and I'd rather be chillin' at home than at school. It's only a five minute drive anyway). As I walked down the path there was once again a girl walking in front of me. And suddenly she came to an abrupt stop, stood on one foot and took off her sandal, shook a rock out of it, and then put it back on and kept walking! In the exact same spot Bridget had done the same thing four hours earlier! What are the odds of that happening? I feel like I witnessed a glitch in the Matrix.
Alright, I need to go to sleep. I'm so worn out, and I have a lot to do tomorrow to get ready to leave town on Saturday. I probably won't post again until after spring break. Let's just hope I survive, because it has the potential to be either a) really depressing, b) really crazy, or c) both.
Tuesday, March 07, 2006
Word Cloud
So I just did a word cloud. Have you heard of this? You give this program the URL to your blog and then it picks out words you use often (I guess) and makes this little word cloud that I guess is supposed to show you what you're writing a lot about.
I can't figure out how to give you the link to my cloud, otherwise I would. I'm surprised because you can look at that word cloud and actually see very accurately what my life has revolved around for the past five months. I'd like to do this again after a year or so to see what has changed. Very interesting, this word cloud.
There's not much surprising about mine. The words bar, Cohen, Chelsea, Mike, crazy, night, people, paper, theatre, think, and work feature prominently. My own name is also prominently featured, which makes me seem really self absorbed, but I'm pretty sure that only happened because this journal automatically signs my name to all of my entries. Love and hate are the same size, which kinda surprised me. I tend to think of myself as a pretty content person, but when I really think about it I guess I do have to admit I kinda hate a lot of things. Facts and family, girls and guys, home. Reason, lots about school and work, relationship. Alone. Awesome. Bed (haha).
I think the thing that most surprised me about the word cloud were the words best and better. That stood out to me because I've recently realized exactly how ambitious I am. Mike pointed out to me the other day that I need to relax more. All I ever do is think about the future and make plans for things I want to happen and then I get stressed out when things don't go according to plan. But the thing is, I don't know how to be any other way. I'm afraid if I don't at least try to make plans and try to get a jumpstart on my career and try to come up with a life plan A, a life plan B, and as a worst-case scenario a life plan C then my whole life is going to slip by and suddenly I'll be fifty years old and I'll have done nothing. I can't help the way I am. I'm ambitious, and I'm a planner, and ultimately that's both a blessing and a curse. I think that my personality has the potential to make me successful, but I'm scared that I also have the potential to really burn myself out. I can't stand to not make plans. Even if I'm making hypothetical plans for things that may never happen I still have to plan because it stresses me out too much not to do it. But clearly making plans just stresses me out, too. Who knew I was such a worrier?
Anyway, I just want to wrap this up by saying I've been in a much better mood lately. I still get sort of sad once a day or so, but I'm not all worked up all the time anymore. Honestly, more than anything right now I'm just bored! I realized the other night that I've pretty much never been single since I started dating at the age of seventeen. Oh, I've technically been "single" for years, but not single like this. I was always at least somewhat involved with somebody. This is the first time in my life since I began dating that I'm not involved in any sort of relationship at all whatsoever. There is a definite benefit to this. Namely, if someone asks if I have a boyfriend I can simply say "No" instead of the awkward "sort of...it's complicated." Finally having a definite answer to that question is nice for a change (even though obviously I'd rather the answer be "Yes"). The good thing about it is that I can finally be completely open to anything that comes along. If I were to meet a good guy right now I could actually start a normal relationship without having to figure out how I really feel about so-and-so and tying up a bunch of loose ends first. That's a good feeling.
The problem with not being in any relationship at all whatsoever? It's fucking boring! Why didn't anyone warn me how boring this would be? I don't even have anybody to have a crush on right now, and there is a definite possibility that weeks and weeks could go by without any real flirting (and don't even get me started on the lack of sex). On the bright side, this is helping me to focus on other important things like school and exercise and basset hounds. On the other hand, it's SO DAMN BORING! You know what I miss more than anything? I used to get excited when I got a text message or my phone would ring, 'cause there was always the possibility that it was a fun guy and something exciting might happen. Now when my phone rings I can tell you exactly who it's going to be: a) my parents, b) Chelsea, c) Kymberli, d) Mandi, e) Jenny (but she always warns me on the instant messenger when she's about to call me, so that doesn't really count), f) Matthew, g) someone from one of my grad classes or directing shows wanting to talk about assignments and rehearsals and maybe something fun but probably just school stuff, h) one of the kids working in the box office who has somehow managed to screw up the simplest job ever. That's it. Those are more or less the only options. I enjoy hearing from all of those people, don't get me wrong (well, except the box office kids, I actually wish they would never call again), but I already miss the days when the phone was actually exciting.
Anyway, I need to go write this stupid play I'm working on, so I'll talk to you later. Keep your fingers crossed that someone interesting shows up on the scene soon, just so that I'll be easier to deal with. Ha.
I can't figure out how to give you the link to my cloud, otherwise I would. I'm surprised because you can look at that word cloud and actually see very accurately what my life has revolved around for the past five months. I'd like to do this again after a year or so to see what has changed. Very interesting, this word cloud.
There's not much surprising about mine. The words bar, Cohen, Chelsea, Mike, crazy, night, people, paper, theatre, think, and work feature prominently. My own name is also prominently featured, which makes me seem really self absorbed, but I'm pretty sure that only happened because this journal automatically signs my name to all of my entries. Love and hate are the same size, which kinda surprised me. I tend to think of myself as a pretty content person, but when I really think about it I guess I do have to admit I kinda hate a lot of things. Facts and family, girls and guys, home. Reason, lots about school and work, relationship. Alone. Awesome. Bed (haha).
I think the thing that most surprised me about the word cloud were the words best and better. That stood out to me because I've recently realized exactly how ambitious I am. Mike pointed out to me the other day that I need to relax more. All I ever do is think about the future and make plans for things I want to happen and then I get stressed out when things don't go according to plan. But the thing is, I don't know how to be any other way. I'm afraid if I don't at least try to make plans and try to get a jumpstart on my career and try to come up with a life plan A, a life plan B, and as a worst-case scenario a life plan C then my whole life is going to slip by and suddenly I'll be fifty years old and I'll have done nothing. I can't help the way I am. I'm ambitious, and I'm a planner, and ultimately that's both a blessing and a curse. I think that my personality has the potential to make me successful, but I'm scared that I also have the potential to really burn myself out. I can't stand to not make plans. Even if I'm making hypothetical plans for things that may never happen I still have to plan because it stresses me out too much not to do it. But clearly making plans just stresses me out, too. Who knew I was such a worrier?
Anyway, I just want to wrap this up by saying I've been in a much better mood lately. I still get sort of sad once a day or so, but I'm not all worked up all the time anymore. Honestly, more than anything right now I'm just bored! I realized the other night that I've pretty much never been single since I started dating at the age of seventeen. Oh, I've technically been "single" for years, but not single like this. I was always at least somewhat involved with somebody. This is the first time in my life since I began dating that I'm not involved in any sort of relationship at all whatsoever. There is a definite benefit to this. Namely, if someone asks if I have a boyfriend I can simply say "No" instead of the awkward "sort of...it's complicated." Finally having a definite answer to that question is nice for a change (even though obviously I'd rather the answer be "Yes"). The good thing about it is that I can finally be completely open to anything that comes along. If I were to meet a good guy right now I could actually start a normal relationship without having to figure out how I really feel about so-and-so and tying up a bunch of loose ends first. That's a good feeling.
The problem with not being in any relationship at all whatsoever? It's fucking boring! Why didn't anyone warn me how boring this would be? I don't even have anybody to have a crush on right now, and there is a definite possibility that weeks and weeks could go by without any real flirting (and don't even get me started on the lack of sex). On the bright side, this is helping me to focus on other important things like school and exercise and basset hounds. On the other hand, it's SO DAMN BORING! You know what I miss more than anything? I used to get excited when I got a text message or my phone would ring, 'cause there was always the possibility that it was a fun guy and something exciting might happen. Now when my phone rings I can tell you exactly who it's going to be: a) my parents, b) Chelsea, c) Kymberli, d) Mandi, e) Jenny (but she always warns me on the instant messenger when she's about to call me, so that doesn't really count), f) Matthew, g) someone from one of my grad classes or directing shows wanting to talk about assignments and rehearsals and maybe something fun but probably just school stuff, h) one of the kids working in the box office who has somehow managed to screw up the simplest job ever. That's it. Those are more or less the only options. I enjoy hearing from all of those people, don't get me wrong (well, except the box office kids, I actually wish they would never call again), but I already miss the days when the phone was actually exciting.
Anyway, I need to go write this stupid play I'm working on, so I'll talk to you later. Keep your fingers crossed that someone interesting shows up on the scene soon, just so that I'll be easier to deal with. Ha.
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