So, I hung out with that guy again last night. He didn't call me until almost 11:30, which annoyed me at first. I had thought based on previous conversation that we were going to go out on some sort of actual date, so I was really surprised that I hadn't heard from him by 7, then by 8, and then by 9ish I made the decision that if he called me I wasn't going to do anything with him. It was just a matter of principle. If this is going to be anything at all I really, really don't want it to be just late-night phone calls when one of us wants some action. I've done enough of that for the time being. For now I'd like something more...real. You know, something that involves going out to dinner and spending time together while the sun is still up. So I decided that if he called me late at night and wanted to do something I would say no and tell him that if he wants to see me he can't assume that he can call me in the middle of the night and I'll actually be a) awake, b) not already out with someone else, c) willing to hang out. I was going to put my foot down and demand some respect, damn it.
But then he called and when I started to tell him no, that he can't be calling me that late and inviting me out, he said, "Oh, I thought your rehearsal went until 11 so I wanted to wait until you got out." Apparently I forgot to make it clear that I only rehearse Monday through Thursday. So since it was my fault and not his, I decided he could come over for a while. We hung out and had a couple of beers and just talked for a few hours. He met my animals, both of whom loved him and immediately crawled onto his lap and stayed there for most of the night (or maybe they didn't actually like him and were just feeling jealous and doing everything in their power to keep him from touching me, I don't know).
It went well. We're going to see each other again, possibly today.
I just don't like the beginning of relationships. Some people thrive on that-the nervous excited butterflies when a new guy calls, being around someone and realizing you still have so much to learn about him, watching him flatter you and think of cute little romantic things to woo you. But that's not my thing. Sure, there's something exciting about it. But ideally, I would skip the first six months of the relationship. I like the part where everything is set, and I know a guy's quirks and we sort of have a routine and I know his friends and he knows my friends and he doesn't feel like he has to impress me.
I keep reminding myself that the comfort zone I've loved about the relationships I've been in so far wasn't there right at the beginning. A connection was there at the beginning, but it takes time to get into the comfort zone. I just wish I could be there already, you know?
Oh, and I'm not good at this whole pacing-myself-physically thing. We end up making out for a while and then I put a stop to things (because I don't want this to just be about sex, remember?) and I feel like I'm in high school all over again. So far, Mike has been the only guy in my life that I've actually dated in the "proper" way. You know, start out just kissing, move on to other things gradually. But that was back in high school, and I was a virgin, and something tells me that now that I'm older the standard waiting time before gettin' it on for the first time is NOT six months. I don't even know if it's six dates. I have no idea, because with every other guy that I've dated we always fooled around excessively first (I've never had sex the first time I've gotten into bed with somebody, but there was always more involved than just kissing, let's put it that way) and then kept fooling around excessively, and then started having sex, and THEN started dating (or just skipped the "dating" bit altogether, lalala). So now I know that I want this to be about hanging out and getting to know each other and spending time together out of bed, but as a result of my not letting him get with me I feel like he's sort of obsessed with the idea of getting me into bed. Which is flattering, but...I just don't know if I should just do it--probably not EVERYTHING, but at least get into an actual bed and take some clothes off--so that whole anticipation-of-the-first-time bit will be over and we can move on to other things, or whether letting it get that far right away will be counterproductive to it becoming an actual relationship.
I know what I'd tell someone asking me that question. I'd say, "If he really likes you and you like him and it's going to be a real relationship, it's going to become one whether or not you sleep with him on the very first date." But I also just don't want to sleep with another guy and have it ultimately turn out to be nothing. Thisreal dating stuff is too complicated for me.
Oh, and Mike is being weird and jealous about all this. Of course. Who didn't see that one coming from a mile away? However, am I wrong for thinking that he is just not allowed to act upset about it because HE is the one that left ME? Oy.
Saturday, September 30, 2006
Friday, September 29, 2006
Slow News Day
Remember this, the El Paso Times article I bitched about back in May when I was visiting my parents? Remember how I mentioned that the El Paso Times is probably the very worst newspaper of any reasonably-sized city in the nation?
Well, the paper has reached a new low with this ridiculous article that Chelsea alerted me to today. This was considered breaking news on the main page of their website this morning:
Cat stuck in pipe amuses schoolchildren (11:13 a.m.)
A cat, “probably chasing a mouse,” became trapped inside a pipe this morning at Houston Elementary, school clerk Sylvia Trujillo said.
Children discovered the immobilized animal and notified school officials, who in turn called the city's office of Animal Regulation and Disease Control, Trujillo said. Animal control arrived at about 7:30 a.m. to pull the feline from where it was stuck inside a drainage pipe, officials said.
Trujillo said the cat hissed when it was freed from the pipe.
She said no children were traumatized by the incident.
“To them I think it was funny,” Trujillo said.
The cat is being held at animal control offices, located at 5001 Fred Wilson, officials said. It will remain there for three days or until its owner comes to retrieve it. If no owner arrives within three days, the cat will be adopted or put down, officials said.
The fate of the mouse was unknown.
How is this possibly considered a news story?!?! It's not even a good human interest story! Mainly I wonder who the heck decided "Hey, there's a cat stuck in a pipe out in the schoolyard. Now that's a story I need to report to the newspaper!" My favorite part is that no children were traumatized by the incident. Oh, THANK GOD. Because hissing cats in pipes are really, really scary and might in fact cause permanent psychological scarring for these poor children! Oh, and "the fate of the mouse was unknown". That last sentence makes me want to believe that the whole article is meant to be tongue-in-cheek and the reporter knew it was stupid and was trying to be funny on purpose, but sadly I'm pretty sure the article is meant to be dead serious.
It must be an incredibly slow news day in El Paso. But even that is no excuse. Oh well, at least it was good for a laugh.
Well, the paper has reached a new low with this ridiculous article that Chelsea alerted me to today. This was considered breaking news on the main page of their website this morning:
Cat stuck in pipe amuses schoolchildren (11:13 a.m.)
A cat, “probably chasing a mouse,” became trapped inside a pipe this morning at Houston Elementary, school clerk Sylvia Trujillo said.
Children discovered the immobilized animal and notified school officials, who in turn called the city's office of Animal Regulation and Disease Control, Trujillo said. Animal control arrived at about 7:30 a.m. to pull the feline from where it was stuck inside a drainage pipe, officials said.
Trujillo said the cat hissed when it was freed from the pipe.
She said no children were traumatized by the incident.
“To them I think it was funny,” Trujillo said.
The cat is being held at animal control offices, located at 5001 Fred Wilson, officials said. It will remain there for three days or until its owner comes to retrieve it. If no owner arrives within three days, the cat will be adopted or put down, officials said.
The fate of the mouse was unknown.
How is this possibly considered a news story?!?! It's not even a good human interest story! Mainly I wonder who the heck decided "Hey, there's a cat stuck in a pipe out in the schoolyard. Now that's a story I need to report to the newspaper!" My favorite part is that no children were traumatized by the incident. Oh, THANK GOD. Because hissing cats in pipes are really, really scary and might in fact cause permanent psychological scarring for these poor children! Oh, and "the fate of the mouse was unknown". That last sentence makes me want to believe that the whole article is meant to be tongue-in-cheek and the reporter knew it was stupid and was trying to be funny on purpose, but sadly I'm pretty sure the article is meant to be dead serious.
It must be an incredibly slow news day in El Paso. But even that is no excuse. Oh well, at least it was good for a laugh.
Weekend!
It has been a busy week around here. Surprise, surprise. I've been busy stage managing Mandi's show and doing some research for Kelly's show and studying for the test I had in my evening class tonight (which I think went okay; I'm absolutely positive I didn't answer anything wrong, I think the worst thing the prof can say is that I didn't provide enough detail in a couple of the essays...four "well-developed" essays in two hours and forty-five minutes...remind me again why I love being a student so much?) and answering the phone at least four to six times a day to answer questions for the people working in the box office and waiting tables and somehow I still haven't managed to get much done on my thesis other than working on the official proposal which I sort of need to rework part of anyway. I keep telling myself I'll have a lot more time to focus on it once Mandi's show closes and I'm no longer stage managing from 8 until 11 every night, so I hope that that's actually true.
Needless to say, I'm so ready for this weekend. I work tomorrow from 11:00 until 4ish and I have Cohen's training class from 1 until 4 on Sunday. My dog is in a really cool training class right now (well, he is at this exact moment, we'll see if he gets thrown out on Sunday) and I'll have to tell you about his training when I get the chance because my dog is being trained at the state psychiatric hospital and it's interesting, especially since I can say things like "I have to go to the mental hospital tomorrow" and actually mean it. But anyway, other than those two things I actually have the entire weekend free. There is nothing in my planner for Saturday! That NEVER happens.
The only other thing that is sort of on the agenda for this weekend is a date with that guy. We've been talking all week, not in an excessive, overwhelming way, but just a couple text messages each day and a few e-mails back and forth over the course of the week. I'm still feeling pretty good about it. He's not talking to me so much that it's freaking me out (and it's very easy to freak me out), but he's also not doing stupid things like saying, "I'll talk to you later" and then waiting three days to talk to me again. He told me he'd call me tomorrow and we'll go out this weekend, and there's no doubt in my mind that it will actually happen. I'm nervous, though. Now that I haven't actually seen him in four days I'm starting to worry that I made Sunday night out to be better than it was and I'm afraid I'll be disappointed this weekend. I've been on a few good first dates in my life but I've never really had a good second date. See, normally I don't even date. I usually--and by usually I mean ALWAYS--begin relationships by flirting extensively with and then kissing someone who was previously "just a friend" and then suddenly, oops, I guess maybe we're not just friends anymore! That's how I've ended up in every one of my previous relationships. It's pretty much unheard of for me to go on actual dates for the purpose of getting to know someone who is pretty much a stranger. In that circumstance no guy has ever gotten beyond a second date.
So yeah. I'm not hopeful, but I'm kind of excited anyway. At the very least it's something to do during my free weekend. I also have the urge to drink too much and make out with someone, but I'm pretty sure this is not the weekend to do that.
Needless to say, I'm so ready for this weekend. I work tomorrow from 11:00 until 4ish and I have Cohen's training class from 1 until 4 on Sunday. My dog is in a really cool training class right now (well, he is at this exact moment, we'll see if he gets thrown out on Sunday) and I'll have to tell you about his training when I get the chance because my dog is being trained at the state psychiatric hospital and it's interesting, especially since I can say things like "I have to go to the mental hospital tomorrow" and actually mean it. But anyway, other than those two things I actually have the entire weekend free. There is nothing in my planner for Saturday! That NEVER happens.
The only other thing that is sort of on the agenda for this weekend is a date with that guy. We've been talking all week, not in an excessive, overwhelming way, but just a couple text messages each day and a few e-mails back and forth over the course of the week. I'm still feeling pretty good about it. He's not talking to me so much that it's freaking me out (and it's very easy to freak me out), but he's also not doing stupid things like saying, "I'll talk to you later" and then waiting three days to talk to me again. He told me he'd call me tomorrow and we'll go out this weekend, and there's no doubt in my mind that it will actually happen. I'm nervous, though. Now that I haven't actually seen him in four days I'm starting to worry that I made Sunday night out to be better than it was and I'm afraid I'll be disappointed this weekend. I've been on a few good first dates in my life but I've never really had a good second date. See, normally I don't even date. I usually--and by usually I mean ALWAYS--begin relationships by flirting extensively with and then kissing someone who was previously "just a friend" and then suddenly, oops, I guess maybe we're not just friends anymore! That's how I've ended up in every one of my previous relationships. It's pretty much unheard of for me to go on actual dates for the purpose of getting to know someone who is pretty much a stranger. In that circumstance no guy has ever gotten beyond a second date.
So yeah. I'm not hopeful, but I'm kind of excited anyway. At the very least it's something to do during my free weekend. I also have the urge to drink too much and make out with someone, but I'm pretty sure this is not the weekend to do that.
Sunday, September 24, 2006
Bah to Titles
#1-I have a full thesis committee!! And in the affirmative reply from my department chair, he spelled believe "beleive", which makes me kinda happy just because.
#2-I met a guy last night. This is a pretty big deal, since the last time I met a truly intriguing new guy was, um, about a year and a half ago. And that fizzled extremely fast. I know the exact same thing could happen now, and this feeling could be totally gone by next week. But right now I can honestly say that I feel excited about this in a way I haven't felt excited about a guy in a really, really, really long time. I'm a fickle bitch and I could be totally off this guy 24 hours from now. I know that. But I hung out one-on-one with him tonight and we spent two hours sitting on his patio talking and he made it clear that he's very, very into me but didn't remotely try to talk me into bed. All in all it was the best first date I've had in years. Even if it doesn't go anywhere else, at least there's that.
#2-I met a guy last night. This is a pretty big deal, since the last time I met a truly intriguing new guy was, um, about a year and a half ago. And that fizzled extremely fast. I know the exact same thing could happen now, and this feeling could be totally gone by next week. But right now I can honestly say that I feel excited about this in a way I haven't felt excited about a guy in a really, really, really long time. I'm a fickle bitch and I could be totally off this guy 24 hours from now. I know that. But I hung out one-on-one with him tonight and we spent two hours sitting on his patio talking and he made it clear that he's very, very into me but didn't remotely try to talk me into bed. All in all it was the best first date I've had in years. Even if it doesn't go anywhere else, at least there's that.
Thursday, September 21, 2006
My Aching Back
Most of the time I love living alone. I love living alone so much that I can't really imagine ever wanting to share a place with someone else again unless there was going to be a lot of sex involved.
That's not to say that I wouldn't have a roommate again if it became financially necessary, because I know I could handle it. After all, Katy and I spent a great four years living together and I've enjoyed all the other short-term roommates I've had in my life, too. It's just that now that I've spent a year living on my own, I've realized how wonderful it really is to have MY space. I love it.
However, there are a few times that living alone is kind of a pain. Like when I'm trying to get dressed and there's something to be tied or zipped up in the back that I can't reach, or when I throw food away month after month because everything seems to come in portions too big for a single person to finish before it goes bad, or when there's a giant bug chillin' in my shower and I have to kill it myself (I pretty much always have to call someone for moral support when I'm on a bug-killing mission. I'm not sure why, since I don't think anyone really appreciates listening to me shriek over the phone). The biggest pain about living alone is the literal pain, though. Right now my back and shoulders are aching so badly. I can't figure out why. I don't think it's from my workouts since it isn't sore in a good way, and I would say it's just stress tension except that I'm not particularly stressed out right now. Busy, sure, but not actually stressed. Maybe I'm just sleeping weird? At any rate, my back hurts and all I really need is a back massage. It doesn't even have to be a good massage. But it's the middle of the night and I live alone, so that's not going to happen. I just spent an entire Lost episode stretching and doing every relaxation, tension-releasing move I've ever learned in a dance or acting class, and it helped for a while but I guess it wasn't good enough because I can feel the ache coming back. Bah.
I think I'm gonna go see if the basset hound feels like being a cooperative heating pad. He's really good at that, sometimes.
That's not to say that I wouldn't have a roommate again if it became financially necessary, because I know I could handle it. After all, Katy and I spent a great four years living together and I've enjoyed all the other short-term roommates I've had in my life, too. It's just that now that I've spent a year living on my own, I've realized how wonderful it really is to have MY space. I love it.
However, there are a few times that living alone is kind of a pain. Like when I'm trying to get dressed and there's something to be tied or zipped up in the back that I can't reach, or when I throw food away month after month because everything seems to come in portions too big for a single person to finish before it goes bad, or when there's a giant bug chillin' in my shower and I have to kill it myself (I pretty much always have to call someone for moral support when I'm on a bug-killing mission. I'm not sure why, since I don't think anyone really appreciates listening to me shriek over the phone). The biggest pain about living alone is the literal pain, though. Right now my back and shoulders are aching so badly. I can't figure out why. I don't think it's from my workouts since it isn't sore in a good way, and I would say it's just stress tension except that I'm not particularly stressed out right now. Busy, sure, but not actually stressed. Maybe I'm just sleeping weird? At any rate, my back hurts and all I really need is a back massage. It doesn't even have to be a good massage. But it's the middle of the night and I live alone, so that's not going to happen. I just spent an entire Lost episode stretching and doing every relaxation, tension-releasing move I've ever learned in a dance or acting class, and it helped for a while but I guess it wasn't good enough because I can feel the ache coming back. Bah.
I think I'm gonna go see if the basset hound feels like being a cooperative heating pad. He's really good at that, sometimes.
Wednesday, September 20, 2006
That Can Crack the Darkest Sky Wide Open
Have you seen the new Liberty Mutual ad where everyone is being nice to each other and it's kind of a pay-it-forward type thing and it has the beautiful, haunting music in the background? Yeah, you've seen it. Even if it's not ringing a bell, I'm sure you've seen it. I'm sure I could find a link to the ad and post it here, but I'm lazy about linking stuff.
I recently got sorta obsessed with this ad. I saw it for the first time at work last week when some of my coworkers and I were watching the big screen TV and killing time while we were waiting to actually have some tables and something to do (I'll sometimes spend a whole hour at the restaurant just killing time, which is a big pet peeve of mine, but whatever. The restaurant is always either really dead or really busy, there's no in-between. But that's every restaurant in the world, isn't it?) Anyway, my friend was like, "I love this ad!" and we turned the sound up and watched it, and the song stayed with me for days. I kept wanting to find the song and download it, but I kept remembering it at weird times, like in the car or in class, so I didn't actually get around to it until just now when I saw the ad while I was actually here at the house sitting at my computer.
The song is by a group called Hem, and I loved it initially just for the tune and the singer's voice, but then I found the lyrics, and now I'm more in love than ever:
I am holding half an acre
torn from the map of Michigan
and folded in this scrap of paper
is a land I grew in
Think of every town you've lived in
every room you lay your head
and what is it that you remember?
Do you carry every sadness with you
every hour your heart was broken
every night the fear and darkness
lay down with you
A man is walking on the highway
A woman stares out at the sea
and light is only now just breaking
So we carry every sadness with us
every hour our hearts were broken
every night the fear and darkness
lay down with us
But I am holding half an acre
torn from the map of Michigan
I am carrying this scrap of paper
that can crack the darkest sky wide open
every burden taken from me
every night my heart unfolding
my home
We can't escape the heartbreak or the fear or the darkness. That's always there and it's not going to go away. But home makes it okay. If you're lucky, the same past that hurt you is the very thing that can save you and make you happy. That's what I took from the song, anyway.
In the sake of full disclosure, I will say that after I downloaded this song I listened to it about six times in a row until eventually I made myself cry. But it's been one of those rough emotional weeks and I needed that release. And it was crying in a good way, not a bad way. It's kind of like the time I got obsessed with Finley Quaye, or "Into Dust" by Mazzy Star, or "Landed" by Ben Folds or any number of highly melodic and vaguely melancholy songs. My latest kick prior to this one was when I discovered Carrie Rodriguez a couple of weeks ago and bought an entire album based off one song, which is something I haven't done since I was about eighteen. The album is Seven Angels on a Bicycle and I bought it based off the title track and then realized afterwards that I already knew about half the album because the public radio station here plays a lot of her stuff. I like it a lot. My mp3 player insists that it's "country" and I suppose it is, but it's a very mellow album and overall has more of a blue grass feel, if anything. And I bet that's something you never knew about me: I am not a fan of country music, especially country ballads. It's very rare that I like a country song enough to actually want to listen to it over and over again, and the only country songs I do like are more dancing, get-wild songs than anything else. But deep down inside I sort of love bluegrass. The more banjo, fiddle, and general twang, the better.
I was in the car with my brother recently, complaining about his choice of music. I don't know how to describe Shane's choice of music other than "high school rock that's sort of indie but not indie enough to ACTUALLY be indie". I realize that makes no sense as a genre, and I have no real reason for disliking many of the songs Shane likes, especially since there's a very fine, blurry line separating a lot of the music he likes from the music I like. For example, for me, Panic! at the Disco is generally a yes and Fallout Boy is generally a no, even though I'm aware that they're both pretty much the same thing. Shane is the opposite. I recently decided I'm okay with liking Snow Patrol, even though I was wary at first. My Chemical Romance is still a big, fat no, etc., etc. Don't ask me how I decide these things, I just get a feeling for songs and I know what I like and what I don't like, even though I can't usually articulate why, for example, I like my "indie but not indie enough to ACTUALLY be indie" music but not Shane's. Part of it is that I don't want to do anything that can remotely be construed as "indie" or "hipster" or "emo" because I just don't get the scene and I don't want to fit the scene. The problem is, I still to this day can't figure out what exactly makes something indie or makes a person a hipster so I'm trying to keep myself from falling into a category that I don't particularly know how to classify. It's confusing being in my head sometimes. Whew.
The point is, Shane and I can very rarely agree on music. Chelsea and I agree much more easily, mostly because the music she legitimately likes is my "guilty pleasure" music (think Pussycat Dolls, gangsta rap, cheesy 90s pop, etc.).
So lately I've been wondering how the heck someone would classify my listening habits. Maybe you all should decide for me, because so far all I have to go by is Shane's description of me, which was "So basically you like music that is good but fucking depressing." And while it's actually kind of true that the majority of my favorite songs in the world are at least vaguely sad, I think a lot of my music is cheerful and uplifting. I think...
So how should I classify myself, anyone-who-knows-more-about-music-than-I-do?
Here are the facts:
1) Probably 20% of the space on my mp3 player is devoted to show tunes, but I also have to be in a particular mood to want to listen to said show tunes and I wouldn't claim that as my favorite type of music. I also tend to prefer sexy/sultry or very dramatic/depressing musicals to cheesy pop musical love stories. I don't know why it's important for you to know that, except to say that I know I wouldn't classify myself as a show tunes girl.
2) I spend most of my driving time listening to the public radio station here. Here's a link to their weekly Top 60. It really is a mix of everything, so maybe that doesn't help.
3) If I do change the station, it's because I'm in the mood for rap and dance/pop music. This is kinda rare, but pretty much always happens when I'm on my way to a party or a night of drinking and bar hopping and I need to be in an upbeat mood.
4) I put my mp3 player on random and listed the first 25 artists that came up, not counting show tunes since, as I've already declared, I like show tunes but I'm not a show tunes girl. Here they are:
1. Talking Heads
2. Sufjan Stevens
3. Belle and Sebastian
4. Eva Cassidy
5. Robert Plant
6. The Shins
7. Fiona Apple
8. Neil Young
9. 10,000 Maniacs
10. Tool
11. Dave Matthews Band
12. The Kinks
13. Imogen Heap
14. Old 97s
15. Rod Stewart
16. Madonna
17. Fatboy Slim
18. Kanye West
19. Johnny Cash
20. Simon and Garfunkel
21. Chamillionaire
22. Frank Sinatra
23. Michael Jackson
24. Journey
25. James Blunt
So, what kind of music DO I like?
I recently got sorta obsessed with this ad. I saw it for the first time at work last week when some of my coworkers and I were watching the big screen TV and killing time while we were waiting to actually have some tables and something to do (I'll sometimes spend a whole hour at the restaurant just killing time, which is a big pet peeve of mine, but whatever. The restaurant is always either really dead or really busy, there's no in-between. But that's every restaurant in the world, isn't it?) Anyway, my friend was like, "I love this ad!" and we turned the sound up and watched it, and the song stayed with me for days. I kept wanting to find the song and download it, but I kept remembering it at weird times, like in the car or in class, so I didn't actually get around to it until just now when I saw the ad while I was actually here at the house sitting at my computer.
The song is by a group called Hem, and I loved it initially just for the tune and the singer's voice, but then I found the lyrics, and now I'm more in love than ever:
I am holding half an acre
torn from the map of Michigan
and folded in this scrap of paper
is a land I grew in
Think of every town you've lived in
every room you lay your head
and what is it that you remember?
Do you carry every sadness with you
every hour your heart was broken
every night the fear and darkness
lay down with you
A man is walking on the highway
A woman stares out at the sea
and light is only now just breaking
So we carry every sadness with us
every hour our hearts were broken
every night the fear and darkness
lay down with us
But I am holding half an acre
torn from the map of Michigan
I am carrying this scrap of paper
that can crack the darkest sky wide open
every burden taken from me
every night my heart unfolding
my home
We can't escape the heartbreak or the fear or the darkness. That's always there and it's not going to go away. But home makes it okay. If you're lucky, the same past that hurt you is the very thing that can save you and make you happy. That's what I took from the song, anyway.
In the sake of full disclosure, I will say that after I downloaded this song I listened to it about six times in a row until eventually I made myself cry. But it's been one of those rough emotional weeks and I needed that release. And it was crying in a good way, not a bad way. It's kind of like the time I got obsessed with Finley Quaye, or "Into Dust" by Mazzy Star, or "Landed" by Ben Folds or any number of highly melodic and vaguely melancholy songs. My latest kick prior to this one was when I discovered Carrie Rodriguez a couple of weeks ago and bought an entire album based off one song, which is something I haven't done since I was about eighteen. The album is Seven Angels on a Bicycle and I bought it based off the title track and then realized afterwards that I already knew about half the album because the public radio station here plays a lot of her stuff. I like it a lot. My mp3 player insists that it's "country" and I suppose it is, but it's a very mellow album and overall has more of a blue grass feel, if anything. And I bet that's something you never knew about me: I am not a fan of country music, especially country ballads. It's very rare that I like a country song enough to actually want to listen to it over and over again, and the only country songs I do like are more dancing, get-wild songs than anything else. But deep down inside I sort of love bluegrass. The more banjo, fiddle, and general twang, the better.
I was in the car with my brother recently, complaining about his choice of music. I don't know how to describe Shane's choice of music other than "high school rock that's sort of indie but not indie enough to ACTUALLY be indie". I realize that makes no sense as a genre, and I have no real reason for disliking many of the songs Shane likes, especially since there's a very fine, blurry line separating a lot of the music he likes from the music I like. For example, for me, Panic! at the Disco is generally a yes and Fallout Boy is generally a no, even though I'm aware that they're both pretty much the same thing. Shane is the opposite. I recently decided I'm okay with liking Snow Patrol, even though I was wary at first. My Chemical Romance is still a big, fat no, etc., etc. Don't ask me how I decide these things, I just get a feeling for songs and I know what I like and what I don't like, even though I can't usually articulate why, for example, I like my "indie but not indie enough to ACTUALLY be indie" music but not Shane's. Part of it is that I don't want to do anything that can remotely be construed as "indie" or "hipster" or "emo" because I just don't get the scene and I don't want to fit the scene. The problem is, I still to this day can't figure out what exactly makes something indie or makes a person a hipster so I'm trying to keep myself from falling into a category that I don't particularly know how to classify. It's confusing being in my head sometimes. Whew.
The point is, Shane and I can very rarely agree on music. Chelsea and I agree much more easily, mostly because the music she legitimately likes is my "guilty pleasure" music (think Pussycat Dolls, gangsta rap, cheesy 90s pop, etc.).
So lately I've been wondering how the heck someone would classify my listening habits. Maybe you all should decide for me, because so far all I have to go by is Shane's description of me, which was "So basically you like music that is good but fucking depressing." And while it's actually kind of true that the majority of my favorite songs in the world are at least vaguely sad, I think a lot of my music is cheerful and uplifting. I think...
So how should I classify myself, anyone-who-knows-more-about-music-than-I-do?
Here are the facts:
1) Probably 20% of the space on my mp3 player is devoted to show tunes, but I also have to be in a particular mood to want to listen to said show tunes and I wouldn't claim that as my favorite type of music. I also tend to prefer sexy/sultry or very dramatic/depressing musicals to cheesy pop musical love stories. I don't know why it's important for you to know that, except to say that I know I wouldn't classify myself as a show tunes girl.
2) I spend most of my driving time listening to the public radio station here. Here's a link to their weekly Top 60. It really is a mix of everything, so maybe that doesn't help.
3) If I do change the station, it's because I'm in the mood for rap and dance/pop music. This is kinda rare, but pretty much always happens when I'm on my way to a party or a night of drinking and bar hopping and I need to be in an upbeat mood.
4) I put my mp3 player on random and listed the first 25 artists that came up, not counting show tunes since, as I've already declared, I like show tunes but I'm not a show tunes girl. Here they are:
1. Talking Heads
2. Sufjan Stevens
3. Belle and Sebastian
4. Eva Cassidy
5. Robert Plant
6. The Shins
7. Fiona Apple
8. Neil Young
9. 10,000 Maniacs
10. Tool
11. Dave Matthews Band
12. The Kinks
13. Imogen Heap
14. Old 97s
15. Rod Stewart
16. Madonna
17. Fatboy Slim
18. Kanye West
19. Johnny Cash
20. Simon and Garfunkel
21. Chamillionaire
22. Frank Sinatra
23. Michael Jackson
24. Journey
25. James Blunt
So, what kind of music DO I like?
Monday, September 18, 2006
And Then There's That
So I'm feeling really good about things today, and I posted that last entry. And then I went and read a story about a woman who is married with a child but saw her college ex when she was on a business trip, the one who got away. And she tried to sleep with him and ultimately couldn't bring herself to do it and she realized that everything is good back at home and she doesn't want to mess that up and blah, blah, blah. So it all turned out okay, I guess.
But the thing is, that's why I worry about the Mike stuff more than anything. I don't want to think I'm over this and think I've moved on and then see him in the future and realize that some big part of me still wants to be with him. I don't think that would ever happen, I don't think I COULD marry someone while I still felt even remotely hung up on someone else, so that's a good thing about me, I guess. But still.
But the thing is, that's why I worry about the Mike stuff more than anything. I don't want to think I'm over this and think I've moved on and then see him in the future and realize that some big part of me still wants to be with him. I don't think that would ever happen, I don't think I COULD marry someone while I still felt even remotely hung up on someone else, so that's a good thing about me, I guess. But still.
Ups and Downs
I had a weird weekend, emotionally. I spent a lot of the weekend talking to Mike about various things--mostly not even related to "us", but issues of his own--and mostly it was okay but I kept going off on these melodramatic spiels about how I hate that things had to ultimately turn out the way they did and how I'm afraid I'm going to be single forever and that I screwed up the one chance I had at being with someone for real, and blah, blah, blah.
And I'd be all into my rant and I'd be feeling pretty seriously sad about it, but then suddenly as if I were watching myself from a distance I'd think, "What are you doing? You don't actually think most of those things. And even if at this exact moment he were to suddenly have a change of heart and say that he wants to spend the rest of his life with you, would you actually say yes?"
And so I thought about that for a while, and I went, "Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No." Which I guess is probably a no, huh?
So I don't know why I still obsess about this sometimes. Overall I've gotten so much better. I look at the spot I'm in now and compare it to the spot I was in six months ago and I realize that I'm doing great now, especially in comparison to where I was. And I have no reason to believe it won't just keep getting better and better, especially if every other aspect of my life continues to go as well as it is right now.
The other thing is, I know most of the time that I have nothing to worry about. The odds are still very much in my favor that I'll find someone that I actually want to spend my life with. Somewhere out there there's a guy that's basically Mike plus a few more positive traits and minus all of the complications seven years have heaped on us. And one of these days with any luck he and I will stumble across each other. Just because it's probably not going to happen this year in Texas doesn't mean it's not going to happen ever.
And the other thing I realize when I'm being sane (which is almost 100% of the time these days, I'm happy to report) is that I really am okay on my own. I've always liked my own company better than the company of anybody else. I like a lot of people, but I'm an introvert at heart. As a kid I was happiest playing games and writing stories in my room by myself. As an adult I'm most relaxed here in my apartment with Food Network and Cohen and a play to read. I like going out and having a social life, but I ultimately end up choosing to spend a lot of time alone (I will say, however, that being alone is only fun when it's actually by choice and not just because I don't have any other options. I am comfortable being alone mostly because I know that I do have friends I could call up if I felt like. And I don't think that fact is ever going to change, hopefully). So yes, I realize that even if somehow I do end up falling into the 10% of people that never find someone they love enough to want to start a family with, well, I think I can hack it on my own. I have good friends and a good family, which is more than a lot of people have. I have my animals, I have my hobbies, I think I'll have an interesting career, and when I'm old enough and ready I know I'll have a son or daughter, even if I have to accomplish that dream in a non-traditional way. And I can envision that sort of lifestyle; teaching and writing during the school year, maybe doing some directing, going out with colleagues sometimes, maybe even going on the occasional* date, training a whole pack of basset hounds to do obedience or be therapy dogs, boarding the dogs and going abroad each summer (since the one obvious benefit to being single is more money to spend on ME!). I mean, I can see all of that, and see how it would make me happy, too.
So I don't know why I still get all melodramatic and panicky sometimes, but I'm also able to snap myself out of it pretty quickly now. I think the next step will be keeping melodramatic rants to myself. Because that's just smart.
The thing is, I had a really good weekend, too. I made a small stack of money on Saturday night, which made me happy even though I was there until closing time because I had one table that would not stop drinking. Matthew was in town this weekend, so I spent some time with him and amongst other things we went to a birthday party for his sister's cat. Proof that my sister and I aren't the only nutty people in the world who celebrate our pets' birthdays with actual parties involving party hats and cake! (Oh, we're crazy, I know, but at least we're not the only ones). Yesterday I hung out with my sister and we saw Little Miss Sunshine, which I really liked. I know everybody is raving about it and I don't have anything enlightening to add, but the hype is well-deserved, in my opinion. I may actually buy it once it's available on DVD, and that's about the highest honor I can give a film since everybody who knows me knows I do not buy DVDs. I have exactly 19 DVDs. I mean, there are lots of movies that I think are pretty good, and that I'd probably watch again if they were on TV or whatever. But there aren't many movies that I love so much I want to own them so I have the option of watching them over and over and over again. But I think this one is worthy of being added to my collection eventually.
Here is my current collection, for the record. Just so you can see my taste in movies before you actually bother taking any recommendations* from me. Also, I can think of three or four more movies off the top of my head that I'd like to add to this collection, but not many. Most of the ones I do still want to add are older movies. And most of these I just love for personal reasons and not because they're actually brilliant movies (although many of them are).
1) Almost Famous
2) Amelie
3) The Big Chill
4) Chicago
5) Closer
6) Confessions of a Dangerous Mind
7) Far From Heaven
8) Fight Club
9) Garden State
10) The Graduate
11) Lord of the Rings (the first one. And actually, this one is sort of a fluke. It was $2 in the Missing Cover Art bin at some video store, so I bought it because it was two bucks and I like it enough, not because I actually love it. I do like it quite a lot, but obviously not enough to bother actually buying the other two)
12) Memento
13) Pulp Fiction
14) The Royal Tenenbaums
15) Sense and Sensibility
16) Snatch
17) The Sound of Music
18) Tootsie
19) Waiting for Guffman
That's it. That's my entire DVD collection. Oh, except that I do have every episode of Sex and the City except season one (which somehow got lost in my last move), season one of The Aqua Teen Hunger Force, and Angels in America (which is more of a mini-series than a movie, although it's WONDERFUL and if you've never seen it you should rent it immediately. I re-read the play all the time). Also, I didn't realize my DVDs were in alphabetical order until just now. I have a feeling that was my sister's doing, since I may be pretty anal but even I don't actually alphabetize books and DVDs.
Anyway, I don't have to go to rehearsal tonight, which is bad because the reason Mandi cancelled rehearsal is that we had an actor drop out today but good because I don't have to be at the theatre from 8:00 until 11:00 as usual. So I think I'm going to watch Lost and continue to put off studying and homework as long as possible.
I did get a second member for my thesis committee today, though! Now I'm just waiting to hear back from one more person and I'll be good to go on with the teeny tiny baby steps of my thesis.
*Do you have any words that you have to look up in a dictionary every. single. time. you spell them? Mine are occasional/ly and misspell. And recommend. I always want to stick two c's in that one, although just recently I finally managed to convince myself that it really is just "re commend", as in to commend someone again. Which I know isn't the definiton, but thinking about it like that helps me spell it. And you'd think I could do the same thing by realizing that the root of occasional and occur are the same, but no. I'm always firmly convinced that it should be spelled ocassional.
And I'd be all into my rant and I'd be feeling pretty seriously sad about it, but then suddenly as if I were watching myself from a distance I'd think, "What are you doing? You don't actually think most of those things. And even if at this exact moment he were to suddenly have a change of heart and say that he wants to spend the rest of his life with you, would you actually say yes?"
And so I thought about that for a while, and I went, "Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No." Which I guess is probably a no, huh?
So I don't know why I still obsess about this sometimes. Overall I've gotten so much better. I look at the spot I'm in now and compare it to the spot I was in six months ago and I realize that I'm doing great now, especially in comparison to where I was. And I have no reason to believe it won't just keep getting better and better, especially if every other aspect of my life continues to go as well as it is right now.
The other thing is, I know most of the time that I have nothing to worry about. The odds are still very much in my favor that I'll find someone that I actually want to spend my life with. Somewhere out there there's a guy that's basically Mike plus a few more positive traits and minus all of the complications seven years have heaped on us. And one of these days with any luck he and I will stumble across each other. Just because it's probably not going to happen this year in Texas doesn't mean it's not going to happen ever.
And the other thing I realize when I'm being sane (which is almost 100% of the time these days, I'm happy to report) is that I really am okay on my own. I've always liked my own company better than the company of anybody else. I like a lot of people, but I'm an introvert at heart. As a kid I was happiest playing games and writing stories in my room by myself. As an adult I'm most relaxed here in my apartment with Food Network and Cohen and a play to read. I like going out and having a social life, but I ultimately end up choosing to spend a lot of time alone (I will say, however, that being alone is only fun when it's actually by choice and not just because I don't have any other options. I am comfortable being alone mostly because I know that I do have friends I could call up if I felt like. And I don't think that fact is ever going to change, hopefully). So yes, I realize that even if somehow I do end up falling into the 10% of people that never find someone they love enough to want to start a family with, well, I think I can hack it on my own. I have good friends and a good family, which is more than a lot of people have. I have my animals, I have my hobbies, I think I'll have an interesting career, and when I'm old enough and ready I know I'll have a son or daughter, even if I have to accomplish that dream in a non-traditional way. And I can envision that sort of lifestyle; teaching and writing during the school year, maybe doing some directing, going out with colleagues sometimes, maybe even going on the occasional* date, training a whole pack of basset hounds to do obedience or be therapy dogs, boarding the dogs and going abroad each summer (since the one obvious benefit to being single is more money to spend on ME!). I mean, I can see all of that, and see how it would make me happy, too.
So I don't know why I still get all melodramatic and panicky sometimes, but I'm also able to snap myself out of it pretty quickly now. I think the next step will be keeping melodramatic rants to myself. Because that's just smart.
The thing is, I had a really good weekend, too. I made a small stack of money on Saturday night, which made me happy even though I was there until closing time because I had one table that would not stop drinking. Matthew was in town this weekend, so I spent some time with him and amongst other things we went to a birthday party for his sister's cat. Proof that my sister and I aren't the only nutty people in the world who celebrate our pets' birthdays with actual parties involving party hats and cake! (Oh, we're crazy, I know, but at least we're not the only ones). Yesterday I hung out with my sister and we saw Little Miss Sunshine, which I really liked. I know everybody is raving about it and I don't have anything enlightening to add, but the hype is well-deserved, in my opinion. I may actually buy it once it's available on DVD, and that's about the highest honor I can give a film since everybody who knows me knows I do not buy DVDs. I have exactly 19 DVDs. I mean, there are lots of movies that I think are pretty good, and that I'd probably watch again if they were on TV or whatever. But there aren't many movies that I love so much I want to own them so I have the option of watching them over and over and over again. But I think this one is worthy of being added to my collection eventually.
Here is my current collection, for the record. Just so you can see my taste in movies before you actually bother taking any recommendations* from me. Also, I can think of three or four more movies off the top of my head that I'd like to add to this collection, but not many. Most of the ones I do still want to add are older movies. And most of these I just love for personal reasons and not because they're actually brilliant movies (although many of them are).
1) Almost Famous
2) Amelie
3) The Big Chill
4) Chicago
5) Closer
6) Confessions of a Dangerous Mind
7) Far From Heaven
8) Fight Club
9) Garden State
10) The Graduate
11) Lord of the Rings (the first one. And actually, this one is sort of a fluke. It was $2 in the Missing Cover Art bin at some video store, so I bought it because it was two bucks and I like it enough, not because I actually love it. I do like it quite a lot, but obviously not enough to bother actually buying the other two)
12) Memento
13) Pulp Fiction
14) The Royal Tenenbaums
15) Sense and Sensibility
16) Snatch
17) The Sound of Music
18) Tootsie
19) Waiting for Guffman
That's it. That's my entire DVD collection. Oh, except that I do have every episode of Sex and the City except season one (which somehow got lost in my last move), season one of The Aqua Teen Hunger Force, and Angels in America (which is more of a mini-series than a movie, although it's WONDERFUL and if you've never seen it you should rent it immediately. I re-read the play all the time). Also, I didn't realize my DVDs were in alphabetical order until just now. I have a feeling that was my sister's doing, since I may be pretty anal but even I don't actually alphabetize books and DVDs.
Anyway, I don't have to go to rehearsal tonight, which is bad because the reason Mandi cancelled rehearsal is that we had an actor drop out today but good because I don't have to be at the theatre from 8:00 until 11:00 as usual. So I think I'm going to watch Lost and continue to put off studying and homework as long as possible.
I did get a second member for my thesis committee today, though! Now I'm just waiting to hear back from one more person and I'll be good to go on with the teeny tiny baby steps of my thesis.
*Do you have any words that you have to look up in a dictionary every. single. time. you spell them? Mine are occasional/ly and misspell. And recommend. I always want to stick two c's in that one, although just recently I finally managed to convince myself that it really is just "re commend", as in to commend someone again. Which I know isn't the definiton, but thinking about it like that helps me spell it. And you'd think I could do the same thing by realizing that the root of occasional and occur are the same, but no. I'm always firmly convinced that it should be spelled ocassional.
Friday, September 15, 2006
A Message From Your Friendly Neighborhood Waitress
Here's a message from your friendly neighborhood waitress.
But before I go on, check out that link. We've been talking about this book at work this week because all the company head honchos are going to be in San Antonio soon for a book signing and so we're suddenly on this stupid cleaning kick on the off chance that they'll actually stop by our restaurant. I haven't read this book and I'm not going to, because I can tell just by hearing about it that I would HATE it. An alternate title for the book could be "Everything Ashley Hates About America Right Now."
Here's a quote about the book from the page, if you're feeling too lazy to click the link:
In a unified, third-person voice, the three [authors] declare their intention to "help twenty-first-century American leaders think anew about the people they serve—a people that, despite an increasingly multiracial society, "seem to be seeking more homogeneity in their lifestyle choices." Since the 1990s, they argue, the key to winning the hearts, dollars and votes of the American public and its leaders is appealing to "the three C's, connections, community, and civic engagement." Drawing on interviews with the middle class "exurb" residents who eat at Applebee's restaurants, as well as their own inside knowledge, the authors declare that the pattern holds across the greater part of the American spectrum. Though their narrow interview sample is a weakness, they draw conclusions about the political arena, where lifelong Democrats voted for Bush in 2004 on "gut instinct"; the business world, where customers at the more than 1,700 Applebee's restaurants deem it "a second home"; and in megachurches, which fulfill Americans "need for belonging and purpose in a new century."
I don't know why I'm so worked up about this, but if I can't rant about it here then where can I? Agree, disagree, whatever. But here are the problems I have with just that single paragraph:
1) Actually, before we even get into the paragraph, let me just say that I have major, major problems with the idea of the Applebee's corporation as a good role model, or ANY part of "corporate America" as a good role model, really. As the daughter of a "Mom and Pop" restaurant owner I obviously have something personal at stake here, and the fact that I want my father and everyone else like him to be able to continue to be successful has a lot to do with my general disdain for chain restaurants. I'm not going to try to pretend I'm not a hypocrite. After all, I eat at Chili's and the like just as often as anyone else. I'm also not saying that there aren't some damn good chains out there, because there are. (P.F. Changs, anyone?) And some megacorporations are obviously better than others, and who's to say that Applebee's isn't in fact one of the better ones? I'm just going to go out on a limb here and say that in terms of fair treatment, a caring and concerned work environment, and so forth, a small, non-corporate workplace is going to be better than a giant corporation 9 out of 10 times. It does get complicated. My parents, as much as they care about their employees, can't possibly provide benefits to everyone simply because they're not a huge, multi-million dollar corporation. So there are disadvantages, sure. Obviously there are way too many factors for me to possibly break it all down here. All I will say is that if I dropped dead tomorrow I'm pretty sure that the Applebees corporation wouldn't give a damn, and probably wouldn't even notice. So no, I don't think this is a model to emulate or admire. That whole "Howdy neighbor!" feel is nothing but a facade, and the fact that there's an entire book glorifying that facade is very depressing to me.
2) "a people that, despite an increasingly multiracial society, "seem to be seeking more homogeneity in their lifestyle choices." I think this is pure crap. It's a chicken-or-the-egg thing. Are we as a nation really wanting everything to become homogenous across all cultural groups and seeking out generic places? Or are we being forced into a homogeneity of lifestyle choices because Applebees/Starbucks/Walmart/Barnes and Noble/pick your corporation of choice are monopolizing the market and forcing any other options out of business? There's something to be said about convenience, and there's a lot to be said for cheap prices. I get that. But you can't convince me that we're really such sheep. I want things to be different. I don't want San Antonio and Boston and Seattle and New Orleans to be completely generic and interchangable, and you can't make me believe that anyone else in their right mind wants that, either.
3) "Drawing on interviews with the middle class "exurb" residents who eat at Applebee's restaurants, as well as their own inside knowledge, the authors declare that the pattern holds across the greater part of the American spectrum." Fine. Fine, I'll admit it. I will admit that the customers that frequent Applebees for microwaved steak dinners are probably a pretty good sample of your average middle class American. But that fact is fucking depressing as hell. Because if that's true then the majority of Americans are a) kind of stupid, b) boring, c) lacking in some very basic social skills [when the fuck will this country learn how to tip?!], d) close-minded, and e) sadly deprived of cultural experiences [I get that a variety of"cultural experiences" as I mean it in this sense-and really, that's a poor way of expressing what I mean-are directly proportional to how much money a person has. I've had that thrown in my face many times: "Don't be so judgmental, not everyone grows up with the money to have the experiences you had." And I get that. I get how lucky I am, BELIEVE ME. I honestly do say thank you to God/gods every night that I was born me and not somebody else. I've been very lucky so far. But the fact that a lack of money keeps otherwise intelligent people trapped in a tiny, close-minded world is a fact that I hate and would love to change in an ideal society. Every single person should be given many, many opportunities to read great books, and have theatre experiences, and travel outside of the town they were born in to both better and worse places, and see thought-provoking films, and eat tuna that didn't come out of a can, and meet people of different races and sexual preferences, and all of these things should happen more than once or twice in an entire 13-year education. I could go on and on about this for days, and if I ever somehow magically have major money in my life I promise right now that I'll be spending very large amounts of it on making sure that as many people as possible get all of those opportunities and more. I'd love to fund study-abroad scholarships, for one thing.]
4) "Though their narrow interview sample is a weakness" So the entire damn book is based on poor research practices. That's the most important sentence in the entire paragraph and the fact that pretty much everyone will ignore. There are many, many, many Americans that don't fit the Applebee's demographic. And yet there's a certain element at work in our society right now that's out to make all of us that don't fit that demographic feel subversive, and un-American. And there's something very wrong with that.
5) "lifelong Democrats voted for Bush in 2004 on "gut instinct" Well, whoop-de-do. I'd venture to say most Americans vote on "gut instinct". And that's not a good thing. We vote on "gut instinct" because we don't bother to learn enough details about the candidates and the platforms to truly make an informed decision, so all we're left with is that gut instinct. That, or we dislike all the candidates so much that we just have to trust our gut instinct to choose the lesser of two evils even though we don't agree with the majority of either platform (admittedly, that's how I made my choice in the last presidential election: who do I hate less?). This is assuming that we bother to vote at all, of course, and most of us don't.
6) "and in megachurches, which fulfill Americans "need for belonging and purpose in a new century." In my mind, megachurches represent everything that is wrong in the world today. There is nothing uplifting about a church with 10,000 members and a pastor that needs a microphone and a rock band and a lighting designer to get his message across. I believe religion should be a deeply personal thing, and how can anyone get personal attention in an environment like that? I realize I'm sort of biased about this because my general feeling on organized religion is "eh". I was raised Lutheran, but nowadays my feelings about organized religion are very complex. My parents claim that everybody goes through this and I'll come back to the church when I'm older, and who knows, maybe they're right. But as of right now I haven't been to church in probably three years, and I don't feel like I'm missing much. There are certain things I really like about church. I like it as a place to build a sense of unique community. Singles groups, groups for people with specific issues, youth groups, community service groups, I can get behind all of that. I wish there were more non-religious groups like that, actually. I also like church purely as a place for gathering knowledge. Whether I ultimately choose to have faith in what I learned from the Bible or not, I am still glad I had all that Bible study as a kid just to understand all the references you come across in everyday life. This is still very much a predominantly Christian society and anyone that doesn't know at least the basics is at a disadvantage. But the older I get, the more I just can't support many of the church teachings. I'm just going to come right out and say it: I don't see how any intelligent person couldn't at least question the whole Jesus thing. To me, blind faith is an act of stupidity, not something to be admired. I'm not an atheist. I definitely believe there is some sort of higher power and that there is some ultimate purpose in life. And I desperately want to believe that there is some sort of afterlife, if only because I want to know that when I lose someone in this life it's not really, truly the last time I'll ever be with them in some way. But I guess these days I'm sort of agnostic more than anything else, because I absolutely believe that there's some sort of higher power but I don't think I have the ability to understand it and figure it out. And I don't think anybody else does either. I need to see the logic in something to have faith in it, and there's very little logic in Christianity or any religion, for that matter. Some days I think I'm on the verge of a sense of spirituality and religion that works for me. A couple of years ago my friend Meg and I got sort of jokingly got obsessed with pagan holidays for a while, but then I started actually doing more research and I hate that there's such a stigma attached to that and that so many pagans seem to be those sort of witch wannabes in t-shirts with wolves silk-screened on them (Kymberli will get that reference, even if no one else does) because, honestly? And I can't believe I'm admitting this...but a lot of pagan beliefs click with me more than anything else. If I have to have faith in something to survive in this world, trying to believe in females as higher beings or at least equal to men and a sense of energy flowing throughout the world (which actually IS logical to me) and teachings that accept sex and birth and death all as natural parts of life that shouldn't be secretive or shameful, and that accept all types of people even if they don't believe the same thing, well...I can try to find faith in that much more easily than I can try to find faith in a man who walked the earth two thousand years ago claiming to be the son of God and a religion that--if the crazy conservatives are to be believed--says that women should be subservient to men, that some of the most loving, amazing, wonderful, good-hearted people I know are evil and will burn in hell just because they happen to fall in love with people of the same sex, that sex in general is wrong, and that if you don't believe exactly what the group believes, well, you're fucked.
I just can't get behind the idea of being a disciple to others. Everyone should have the right to believe what they want to believe. How does my not having faith in Jesus Christ possibly have any affect on those that do? I'll just stay over here doing my thing, and you can stay over there doing your thing and praying for my soul or whatever. Just don't pray to my face and try to force me over to your side, and we'll all be happy.
I believe in the golden rule. I believe that we should all treat others as we want to be treated. And I believe that a) that fundamental rule can be taught without any sort of Christian overtones and b) the majority of super-Conservative Christians don't seem to understand that fundamental rule.
At any rate, megachurches scare me. It's just one more way that Americans are being sheep. It's very cult-like, and the whole phenomenon frightens me.
And incidentally, I think there are a lot more people out there in the world that feel like me than there are religious fanatics. So why does it seem like the fanatics have such an advantage right now?
Ugh. Anyway, I have a feeling I just rambled and that made no sense at all whatsoever. But thinking about that book really knots me up inside, so I had to get that out. And that's about as religious or political as this thing will probably ever get, incidentally. I'm not a great debater and while I think I have more compelling arguments than, say, "because God says so," I still shy away from talking about topics like this because I think there are plenty of people out there who could make my exact same points in a much more logical and profound way than I ever could. So yeah.
And now that the introduction has become THE WHOLE ENTIRE ENTRY, let me just wrap up with what I was going to say originally:
When you're out with your group of friends at a restaurant, and you're a young college student (probably just out of high school) and you think you're being really cute and amusing as it takes you all ten minutes to debate about what you want to eat and you're all talking really loudly and laughing extremely loudly and then you somehow manage to knock over not one, not two, but THREE glasses of water in a two minute period and you have to shriek and leap over to the next table and one of you has to literally fall on the floor laughing and everyone in the entire restaurant is staring at you? Contrary to what you may believe, those looks are not saying, "Ah, the exuberance of youth. How I wish I was carefree and in college again and spending a Friday afternoon laughing with my friends!" They're saying, "Quit making a fucking scene and shut up so I can eat my meal and enjoy the company of my table instead of having to listen to every word you scream across the restaurant."
Keep that in mind in the future.
And yes, I'm being a total hypocrite for the second time in this entry because I admit that I've been part of that scene-making table before, more times than I actually care to admit. But having experienced it from the other side, I'm really, really going to try to not let it happen again.
But before I go on, check out that link. We've been talking about this book at work this week because all the company head honchos are going to be in San Antonio soon for a book signing and so we're suddenly on this stupid cleaning kick on the off chance that they'll actually stop by our restaurant. I haven't read this book and I'm not going to, because I can tell just by hearing about it that I would HATE it. An alternate title for the book could be "Everything Ashley Hates About America Right Now."
Here's a quote about the book from the page, if you're feeling too lazy to click the link:
In a unified, third-person voice, the three [authors] declare their intention to "help twenty-first-century American leaders think anew about the people they serve—a people that, despite an increasingly multiracial society, "seem to be seeking more homogeneity in their lifestyle choices." Since the 1990s, they argue, the key to winning the hearts, dollars and votes of the American public and its leaders is appealing to "the three C's, connections, community, and civic engagement." Drawing on interviews with the middle class "exurb" residents who eat at Applebee's restaurants, as well as their own inside knowledge, the authors declare that the pattern holds across the greater part of the American spectrum. Though their narrow interview sample is a weakness, they draw conclusions about the political arena, where lifelong Democrats voted for Bush in 2004 on "gut instinct"; the business world, where customers at the more than 1,700 Applebee's restaurants deem it "a second home"; and in megachurches, which fulfill Americans "need for belonging and purpose in a new century."
I don't know why I'm so worked up about this, but if I can't rant about it here then where can I? Agree, disagree, whatever. But here are the problems I have with just that single paragraph:
1) Actually, before we even get into the paragraph, let me just say that I have major, major problems with the idea of the Applebee's corporation as a good role model, or ANY part of "corporate America" as a good role model, really. As the daughter of a "Mom and Pop" restaurant owner I obviously have something personal at stake here, and the fact that I want my father and everyone else like him to be able to continue to be successful has a lot to do with my general disdain for chain restaurants. I'm not going to try to pretend I'm not a hypocrite. After all, I eat at Chili's and the like just as often as anyone else. I'm also not saying that there aren't some damn good chains out there, because there are. (P.F. Changs, anyone?) And some megacorporations are obviously better than others, and who's to say that Applebee's isn't in fact one of the better ones? I'm just going to go out on a limb here and say that in terms of fair treatment, a caring and concerned work environment, and so forth, a small, non-corporate workplace is going to be better than a giant corporation 9 out of 10 times. It does get complicated. My parents, as much as they care about their employees, can't possibly provide benefits to everyone simply because they're not a huge, multi-million dollar corporation. So there are disadvantages, sure. Obviously there are way too many factors for me to possibly break it all down here. All I will say is that if I dropped dead tomorrow I'm pretty sure that the Applebees corporation wouldn't give a damn, and probably wouldn't even notice. So no, I don't think this is a model to emulate or admire. That whole "Howdy neighbor!" feel is nothing but a facade, and the fact that there's an entire book glorifying that facade is very depressing to me.
2) "a people that, despite an increasingly multiracial society, "seem to be seeking more homogeneity in their lifestyle choices." I think this is pure crap. It's a chicken-or-the-egg thing. Are we as a nation really wanting everything to become homogenous across all cultural groups and seeking out generic places? Or are we being forced into a homogeneity of lifestyle choices because Applebees/Starbucks/Walmart/Barnes and Noble/pick your corporation of choice are monopolizing the market and forcing any other options out of business? There's something to be said about convenience, and there's a lot to be said for cheap prices. I get that. But you can't convince me that we're really such sheep. I want things to be different. I don't want San Antonio and Boston and Seattle and New Orleans to be completely generic and interchangable, and you can't make me believe that anyone else in their right mind wants that, either.
3) "Drawing on interviews with the middle class "exurb" residents who eat at Applebee's restaurants, as well as their own inside knowledge, the authors declare that the pattern holds across the greater part of the American spectrum." Fine. Fine, I'll admit it. I will admit that the customers that frequent Applebees for microwaved steak dinners are probably a pretty good sample of your average middle class American. But that fact is fucking depressing as hell. Because if that's true then the majority of Americans are a) kind of stupid, b) boring, c) lacking in some very basic social skills [when the fuck will this country learn how to tip?!], d) close-minded, and e) sadly deprived of cultural experiences [I get that a variety of"cultural experiences" as I mean it in this sense-and really, that's a poor way of expressing what I mean-are directly proportional to how much money a person has. I've had that thrown in my face many times: "Don't be so judgmental, not everyone grows up with the money to have the experiences you had." And I get that. I get how lucky I am, BELIEVE ME. I honestly do say thank you to God/gods every night that I was born me and not somebody else. I've been very lucky so far. But the fact that a lack of money keeps otherwise intelligent people trapped in a tiny, close-minded world is a fact that I hate and would love to change in an ideal society. Every single person should be given many, many opportunities to read great books, and have theatre experiences, and travel outside of the town they were born in to both better and worse places, and see thought-provoking films, and eat tuna that didn't come out of a can, and meet people of different races and sexual preferences, and all of these things should happen more than once or twice in an entire 13-year education. I could go on and on about this for days, and if I ever somehow magically have major money in my life I promise right now that I'll be spending very large amounts of it on making sure that as many people as possible get all of those opportunities and more. I'd love to fund study-abroad scholarships, for one thing.]
4) "Though their narrow interview sample is a weakness" So the entire damn book is based on poor research practices. That's the most important sentence in the entire paragraph and the fact that pretty much everyone will ignore. There are many, many, many Americans that don't fit the Applebee's demographic. And yet there's a certain element at work in our society right now that's out to make all of us that don't fit that demographic feel subversive, and un-American. And there's something very wrong with that.
5) "lifelong Democrats voted for Bush in 2004 on "gut instinct" Well, whoop-de-do. I'd venture to say most Americans vote on "gut instinct". And that's not a good thing. We vote on "gut instinct" because we don't bother to learn enough details about the candidates and the platforms to truly make an informed decision, so all we're left with is that gut instinct. That, or we dislike all the candidates so much that we just have to trust our gut instinct to choose the lesser of two evils even though we don't agree with the majority of either platform (admittedly, that's how I made my choice in the last presidential election: who do I hate less?). This is assuming that we bother to vote at all, of course, and most of us don't.
6) "and in megachurches, which fulfill Americans "need for belonging and purpose in a new century." In my mind, megachurches represent everything that is wrong in the world today. There is nothing uplifting about a church with 10,000 members and a pastor that needs a microphone and a rock band and a lighting designer to get his message across. I believe religion should be a deeply personal thing, and how can anyone get personal attention in an environment like that? I realize I'm sort of biased about this because my general feeling on organized religion is "eh". I was raised Lutheran, but nowadays my feelings about organized religion are very complex. My parents claim that everybody goes through this and I'll come back to the church when I'm older, and who knows, maybe they're right. But as of right now I haven't been to church in probably three years, and I don't feel like I'm missing much. There are certain things I really like about church. I like it as a place to build a sense of unique community. Singles groups, groups for people with specific issues, youth groups, community service groups, I can get behind all of that. I wish there were more non-religious groups like that, actually. I also like church purely as a place for gathering knowledge. Whether I ultimately choose to have faith in what I learned from the Bible or not, I am still glad I had all that Bible study as a kid just to understand all the references you come across in everyday life. This is still very much a predominantly Christian society and anyone that doesn't know at least the basics is at a disadvantage. But the older I get, the more I just can't support many of the church teachings. I'm just going to come right out and say it: I don't see how any intelligent person couldn't at least question the whole Jesus thing. To me, blind faith is an act of stupidity, not something to be admired. I'm not an atheist. I definitely believe there is some sort of higher power and that there is some ultimate purpose in life. And I desperately want to believe that there is some sort of afterlife, if only because I want to know that when I lose someone in this life it's not really, truly the last time I'll ever be with them in some way. But I guess these days I'm sort of agnostic more than anything else, because I absolutely believe that there's some sort of higher power but I don't think I have the ability to understand it and figure it out. And I don't think anybody else does either. I need to see the logic in something to have faith in it, and there's very little logic in Christianity or any religion, for that matter. Some days I think I'm on the verge of a sense of spirituality and religion that works for me. A couple of years ago my friend Meg and I got sort of jokingly got obsessed with pagan holidays for a while, but then I started actually doing more research and I hate that there's such a stigma attached to that and that so many pagans seem to be those sort of witch wannabes in t-shirts with wolves silk-screened on them (Kymberli will get that reference, even if no one else does) because, honestly? And I can't believe I'm admitting this...but a lot of pagan beliefs click with me more than anything else. If I have to have faith in something to survive in this world, trying to believe in females as higher beings or at least equal to men and a sense of energy flowing throughout the world (which actually IS logical to me) and teachings that accept sex and birth and death all as natural parts of life that shouldn't be secretive or shameful, and that accept all types of people even if they don't believe the same thing, well...I can try to find faith in that much more easily than I can try to find faith in a man who walked the earth two thousand years ago claiming to be the son of God and a religion that--if the crazy conservatives are to be believed--says that women should be subservient to men, that some of the most loving, amazing, wonderful, good-hearted people I know are evil and will burn in hell just because they happen to fall in love with people of the same sex, that sex in general is wrong, and that if you don't believe exactly what the group believes, well, you're fucked.
I just can't get behind the idea of being a disciple to others. Everyone should have the right to believe what they want to believe. How does my not having faith in Jesus Christ possibly have any affect on those that do? I'll just stay over here doing my thing, and you can stay over there doing your thing and praying for my soul or whatever. Just don't pray to my face and try to force me over to your side, and we'll all be happy.
I believe in the golden rule. I believe that we should all treat others as we want to be treated. And I believe that a) that fundamental rule can be taught without any sort of Christian overtones and b) the majority of super-Conservative Christians don't seem to understand that fundamental rule.
At any rate, megachurches scare me. It's just one more way that Americans are being sheep. It's very cult-like, and the whole phenomenon frightens me.
And incidentally, I think there are a lot more people out there in the world that feel like me than there are religious fanatics. So why does it seem like the fanatics have such an advantage right now?
Ugh. Anyway, I have a feeling I just rambled and that made no sense at all whatsoever. But thinking about that book really knots me up inside, so I had to get that out. And that's about as religious or political as this thing will probably ever get, incidentally. I'm not a great debater and while I think I have more compelling arguments than, say, "because God says so," I still shy away from talking about topics like this because I think there are plenty of people out there who could make my exact same points in a much more logical and profound way than I ever could. So yeah.
And now that the introduction has become THE WHOLE ENTIRE ENTRY, let me just wrap up with what I was going to say originally:
When you're out with your group of friends at a restaurant, and you're a young college student (probably just out of high school) and you think you're being really cute and amusing as it takes you all ten minutes to debate about what you want to eat and you're all talking really loudly and laughing extremely loudly and then you somehow manage to knock over not one, not two, but THREE glasses of water in a two minute period and you have to shriek and leap over to the next table and one of you has to literally fall on the floor laughing and everyone in the entire restaurant is staring at you? Contrary to what you may believe, those looks are not saying, "Ah, the exuberance of youth. How I wish I was carefree and in college again and spending a Friday afternoon laughing with my friends!" They're saying, "Quit making a fucking scene and shut up so I can eat my meal and enjoy the company of my table instead of having to listen to every word you scream across the restaurant."
Keep that in mind in the future.
And yes, I'm being a total hypocrite for the second time in this entry because I admit that I've been part of that scene-making table before, more times than I actually care to admit. But having experienced it from the other side, I'm really, really going to try to not let it happen again.
Thursday, September 14, 2006
Long Day
Wow, I'm tired. Today has been a really, really long day. Work this morning feels like it was about six days ago.
I waited tables for 3 1/2 hours this morning/afternoon, then finished box office orientations for all my freshmen workers (and thank the lord those are over, it just gets so tedious repeating myself to a new group every half hour), then went to my Backgrounds of Modern Theatre class, then stage managed Mandi's rehearsal for 2 1/2 hours, and by that time it was 10:30 PM and I'd been running around since 10 AM without a break. Damn. At least it's the weekend now.
I don't really have anything interesting to say. Oh, but good news! Amanda and Dr. C both got accepted to the conference as well, which is great because now I don't have to go to Ohio by myself! Dr. S told Amanda, "I can just see it now...you and Dr. C will start drinking and Ashley will be shaking her head and saying, 'This isn't a good idea'". Amanda told him that clearly he doesn't know me very well! Haha. Yet another person utterly convinced for no good reason at all whatsoever that I'm sweet and innocent.
I'm in the process of trying to pick my thesis committee, which is stressing me out for no reason. I don't know why it's so hard for me to just knock on a professor's door and say, "Hi, would you consider being a reader on my thesis committee?" I only need two readers and I already know who I want, ideally, but I just can't bring myself to ask for some reason. What's the worst that can possibly happen? They'll say, "No, sorry, I'm too busy," or maybe even, "Who the hell are you? You were in my directing class last year? Really?" and neither of those responses are the end of the world. Well, okay, the second one would suck. But I also don't think the second one would really happen. So yeah, I don't know why this is stressing me out so much. I'm such a baby sometimes.
However, I did finally get up the nerve to talk to my Backgrounds professor tonight and tell her I'm going to have to miss her class twice, and she assured me that my absences won't negatively affect my grade unless I miss a third time. And there's no way I'm missing a third time. So that's reassuring.
So yeah. Everything is going fine on the school front, and everything is pretty dull in the rest of my life right now. I'm drama free at the moment, and while it makes for boring journal entries it makes for a pretty nice life.
Finally, I did this palm reading thing today. The whole thing is probably crap, but here are the notable points:
-I think the reading was COMPLETELY off when it comes to my life line, since it claimed I like to live in the moment and don't worry about the past or future, and we all know that's total crap. I try not to worry much about the past, that's true, but I can't freakin' stop thinking about the future, even when I want to.
-My head line indicates that I'm equally comfortable as both a leader and a follower. I was pegged dead on when it said taking charge is not something I usually want and I'm happy to step aside and let someone else take the lead but if no one else steps up I know I'm capable of taking a leadership role. It also said I'm rational and analytical (surprise, surprise) but that my complex though process could come off as being unusual or convoluted. I think that's pretty dead on as well.
-My heart line indicates that I have commitment issues. I find this interesting, only because it's about the fourth or fifth time in my life these stupid palm reading/astrology/numerology things have indicated that I have problems with emotional commitment in relationships and when it comes up that often you can't help but wonder if it's true. It also indicates that people that don't know me well may find me distant, and I agree with that part 100%. But honestly, I've never had trouble being loyal and committed in relationships...so far. My heart line also indicates that I'm very analytical about my relationships and I spend a lot of time trying to understand my relationships. Can't deny that.
-I'm very focused on goals and will be successful in a creative career. Awesome.
-Most interesting, in my opinion, the attachment lines indicate that I will be married more than once or have several committed relationships that do not lead to marriage. I'm cool with that as long as it all shakes out that I have several committed relationships that don't lead to marriage but only one that does. 'Cause I'd really rather not have multiple marriages. I think I'd even rather never get married at all than get married and divorced...I think. My attachment lines also indicate that I'll have the opportunity to have at least one child, and of my child/children at least one will be a girl.
We'll see, palm. We'll see.
I waited tables for 3 1/2 hours this morning/afternoon, then finished box office orientations for all my freshmen workers (and thank the lord those are over, it just gets so tedious repeating myself to a new group every half hour), then went to my Backgrounds of Modern Theatre class, then stage managed Mandi's rehearsal for 2 1/2 hours, and by that time it was 10:30 PM and I'd been running around since 10 AM without a break. Damn. At least it's the weekend now.
I don't really have anything interesting to say. Oh, but good news! Amanda and Dr. C both got accepted to the conference as well, which is great because now I don't have to go to Ohio by myself! Dr. S told Amanda, "I can just see it now...you and Dr. C will start drinking and Ashley will be shaking her head and saying, 'This isn't a good idea'". Amanda told him that clearly he doesn't know me very well! Haha. Yet another person utterly convinced for no good reason at all whatsoever that I'm sweet and innocent.
I'm in the process of trying to pick my thesis committee, which is stressing me out for no reason. I don't know why it's so hard for me to just knock on a professor's door and say, "Hi, would you consider being a reader on my thesis committee?" I only need two readers and I already know who I want, ideally, but I just can't bring myself to ask for some reason. What's the worst that can possibly happen? They'll say, "No, sorry, I'm too busy," or maybe even, "Who the hell are you? You were in my directing class last year? Really?" and neither of those responses are the end of the world. Well, okay, the second one would suck. But I also don't think the second one would really happen. So yeah, I don't know why this is stressing me out so much. I'm such a baby sometimes.
However, I did finally get up the nerve to talk to my Backgrounds professor tonight and tell her I'm going to have to miss her class twice, and she assured me that my absences won't negatively affect my grade unless I miss a third time. And there's no way I'm missing a third time. So that's reassuring.
So yeah. Everything is going fine on the school front, and everything is pretty dull in the rest of my life right now. I'm drama free at the moment, and while it makes for boring journal entries it makes for a pretty nice life.
Finally, I did this palm reading thing today. The whole thing is probably crap, but here are the notable points:
-I think the reading was COMPLETELY off when it comes to my life line, since it claimed I like to live in the moment and don't worry about the past or future, and we all know that's total crap. I try not to worry much about the past, that's true, but I can't freakin' stop thinking about the future, even when I want to.
-My head line indicates that I'm equally comfortable as both a leader and a follower. I was pegged dead on when it said taking charge is not something I usually want and I'm happy to step aside and let someone else take the lead but if no one else steps up I know I'm capable of taking a leadership role. It also said I'm rational and analytical (surprise, surprise) but that my complex though process could come off as being unusual or convoluted. I think that's pretty dead on as well.
-My heart line indicates that I have commitment issues. I find this interesting, only because it's about the fourth or fifth time in my life these stupid palm reading/astrology/numerology things have indicated that I have problems with emotional commitment in relationships and when it comes up that often you can't help but wonder if it's true. It also indicates that people that don't know me well may find me distant, and I agree with that part 100%. But honestly, I've never had trouble being loyal and committed in relationships...so far. My heart line also indicates that I'm very analytical about my relationships and I spend a lot of time trying to understand my relationships. Can't deny that.
-I'm very focused on goals and will be successful in a creative career. Awesome.
-Most interesting, in my opinion, the attachment lines indicate that I will be married more than once or have several committed relationships that do not lead to marriage. I'm cool with that as long as it all shakes out that I have several committed relationships that don't lead to marriage but only one that does. 'Cause I'd really rather not have multiple marriages. I think I'd even rather never get married at all than get married and divorced...I think. My attachment lines also indicate that I'll have the opportunity to have at least one child, and of my child/children at least one will be a girl.
We'll see, palm. We'll see.
Tuesday, September 12, 2006
Not Toolsday After All
I'm so bummed. Mandi and I were supposed to go to the Tool concert in San Antonio tonight but I just got an e-mail saying the show has been cancelled due to illness.
The show will be rescheduled, but they haven't set a new date yet. And really, what are the odds that they're going to reschedule to a night when I can actually go? I looked at the tour schedule and they have about a month off starting in October before they go on their European tour, and it seems likely that that's when they'll reschedule our show. But what are the odds that they'll reschedule it on a night that a) isn't a Thursday, b) doesn't conflict with the nights I'll have to work box office for the grad shows and c) doesn't conflict with Mandi's show (which I'm stage managing?)
So I'm going to just accept the fact right now that I probably won't get to see this concert after all. I'll get my money back at least, and I have seen them in concert two times already, but still. I was really looking forward to this. But people get sick, what can you do?
I guess I'll just spend the night reading Chekhov and watching Lost and moping.
The show will be rescheduled, but they haven't set a new date yet. And really, what are the odds that they're going to reschedule to a night when I can actually go? I looked at the tour schedule and they have about a month off starting in October before they go on their European tour, and it seems likely that that's when they'll reschedule our show. But what are the odds that they'll reschedule it on a night that a) isn't a Thursday, b) doesn't conflict with the nights I'll have to work box office for the grad shows and c) doesn't conflict with Mandi's show (which I'm stage managing?)
So I'm going to just accept the fact right now that I probably won't get to see this concert after all. I'll get my money back at least, and I have seen them in concert two times already, but still. I was really looking forward to this. But people get sick, what can you do?
I guess I'll just spend the night reading Chekhov and watching Lost and moping.
Sunday, September 10, 2006
Um, yeah
So I started really working on my thesis today. I've been working on it sort of prior to now, in that I've already been working for my director and I know what I'm focusing on, but today I actually started really reading and researching and there's just so much information that I got totally overwhelmed even thinking about it and I just quit. I did the exact same thing when I started looking at doctoral programs. These are both things that i know I need to do, but I start to do it and I just sort of freak out.
And right now at this exact moment it's okay to freak out and watch season two of Lost and read magazines instead, but that's not always going to be the case. I realize I'm eventually going to have to actually do all of the things I'm putting off right now, and that scares me. I also know deep down that I'm capable of doing it and I will get it done eventually (I'm the Queen of Successful Procrastination, after all), but tonight it suddenly seems like too much.
I meet with Dr. C tomorrow and hopefully she'll give me some concrete guidelines on my thesis project since part of the problem right now is I'm not entirely positive what form my final product should take and I feel like I'm flying blind. I can't really work towards a goal if I can't even envision what the final product is going to be. I mean, I have the basics, but I need some concrete specifics. Should I be aiming for several mini-papers (since it is a dramturgical treatment, after all) or one very long paper? Should I be use some visuals or not? How long does this freakin' thing need to be, really? Because believe it or not this could actually get really, really long and I need to know how liberal I need to be about narrowing down my focus. So yeah. I'm also hoping Dr. C is so excited that I got accepted to that conference that she won't really notice how little work I've actually done on this project so far.
But I did order Halloween costumes for my pets today!! I'm such a nerd, but choosing costumes for them was on my t0-do list and now it's done. I also bought a pair of cheap bat wings for myself. I'm really bad at thinking up creative Halloween costumes so this year I didn't even try. Since the whole point for girls seems to be to dress as sexy/trashy as possible anyway I figure I'll just make it easy on myself and dress up in something skimpy and black, do some goth makeup (a look I secretly sort of enjoy on myself, actually, although I'm not brave enough to sport it any time other than Halloween), throw on a pair of black wings and possibly a headband with ears, and call it a night. This is assuming I even end up needing a costume at all, which I may not.
But Cohen and Jose will definitely be wearing costumes. Remember when Jose was Frankenstein and how awesome that was? (And how pissed off he was?) Well, I'm doing the same basic costume this year except this year's headpiece and wrist bands will make him a bat, like me!
As for Cohen...well, I think I'll let his costume stay secret until I can show you pictures of it. But it's perfectly fitting for his personality and it's going to be ADORABLE, if it actually fits. Why don't companies make costumes for big dogs?! Not all girly girls that might want to ocassionally dress up an animal have tiny purse dogs. I'm just sayin'.
And right now at this exact moment it's okay to freak out and watch season two of Lost and read magazines instead, but that's not always going to be the case. I realize I'm eventually going to have to actually do all of the things I'm putting off right now, and that scares me. I also know deep down that I'm capable of doing it and I will get it done eventually (I'm the Queen of Successful Procrastination, after all), but tonight it suddenly seems like too much.
I meet with Dr. C tomorrow and hopefully she'll give me some concrete guidelines on my thesis project since part of the problem right now is I'm not entirely positive what form my final product should take and I feel like I'm flying blind. I can't really work towards a goal if I can't even envision what the final product is going to be. I mean, I have the basics, but I need some concrete specifics. Should I be aiming for several mini-papers (since it is a dramturgical treatment, after all) or one very long paper? Should I be use some visuals or not? How long does this freakin' thing need to be, really? Because believe it or not this could actually get really, really long and I need to know how liberal I need to be about narrowing down my focus. So yeah. I'm also hoping Dr. C is so excited that I got accepted to that conference that she won't really notice how little work I've actually done on this project so far.
But I did order Halloween costumes for my pets today!! I'm such a nerd, but choosing costumes for them was on my t0-do list and now it's done. I also bought a pair of cheap bat wings for myself. I'm really bad at thinking up creative Halloween costumes so this year I didn't even try. Since the whole point for girls seems to be to dress as sexy/trashy as possible anyway I figure I'll just make it easy on myself and dress up in something skimpy and black, do some goth makeup (a look I secretly sort of enjoy on myself, actually, although I'm not brave enough to sport it any time other than Halloween), throw on a pair of black wings and possibly a headband with ears, and call it a night. This is assuming I even end up needing a costume at all, which I may not.
But Cohen and Jose will definitely be wearing costumes. Remember when Jose was Frankenstein and how awesome that was? (And how pissed off he was?) Well, I'm doing the same basic costume this year except this year's headpiece and wrist bands will make him a bat, like me!
As for Cohen...well, I think I'll let his costume stay secret until I can show you pictures of it. But it's perfectly fitting for his personality and it's going to be ADORABLE, if it actually fits. Why don't companies make costumes for big dogs?! Not all girly girls that might want to ocassionally dress up an animal have tiny purse dogs. I'm just sayin'.
Saturday, September 09, 2006
Guess what?!?!
So I went out for dinner and drinks with my friend Amanda tonight, and a lot of our conversation revolved around our grad program and what we think we might want to do after grad school, and chances of getting into doctoral programs eventually, and things like that.
Well, I think my chances just got the tiniest bit better, because...
My paper was accepted for a conference!! I just checked my e-mail and there was a note from the conference organizer saying it had been accepted. I'm so excited about this.
Now there's a lot of stuff to figure out. The conference is at a terrible time (the first week of Rocky, so I'll have to make sure it's okay to miss work at the box office as well as my night class) and I have to get a plane ticket and a hotel reservation and possibly rent a car and figure out how I'm going to pay for all this. My department chair had mentioned that if the paper did get accepted I should come talk to him and inferred that the department may be able to give me some travel money, which would be awesome.
So yeah. Looks like I really will be going to Ohio in a couple of months!
I'm freaking out. I've never been to an academic conference other than TETA, and that was mostly high school teachers so it was a bit different. And I sure as hell have never presented a paper to anyone other than my peers. But I'm also really happy. The letter was addressed, "Dear Professor D_____" and that made my heart leap a little bit. Maybe I'm not chasing some impossible dream.
Well, I think my chances just got the tiniest bit better, because...
My paper was accepted for a conference!! I just checked my e-mail and there was a note from the conference organizer saying it had been accepted. I'm so excited about this.
Now there's a lot of stuff to figure out. The conference is at a terrible time (the first week of Rocky, so I'll have to make sure it's okay to miss work at the box office as well as my night class) and I have to get a plane ticket and a hotel reservation and possibly rent a car and figure out how I'm going to pay for all this. My department chair had mentioned that if the paper did get accepted I should come talk to him and inferred that the department may be able to give me some travel money, which would be awesome.
So yeah. Looks like I really will be going to Ohio in a couple of months!
I'm freaking out. I've never been to an academic conference other than TETA, and that was mostly high school teachers so it was a bit different. And I sure as hell have never presented a paper to anyone other than my peers. But I'm also really happy. The letter was addressed, "Dear Professor D_____" and that made my heart leap a little bit. Maybe I'm not chasing some impossible dream.
Friday, September 08, 2006
Still Busy
Things are still crazy-busy, but a guy I work with wanted to pick up my Saturday night shift and I happily let him have it. So now I don't have to work again until Tuesday! This makes me super happy.
I don't work Friday nights (I've permanently requested them off) so I almost always work on Saturday nights, and I'm sort of ambivalent about it. Yes, it's usually good money on Saturday nights, but my entire Saturday is wasted. I usually have to go in at 4 on Saturdays, and when you sleep until 12 or 1:00 on weekends (and I usually do) then there's not really time in the day to do anything worthwhile before work, and since I don't usually get off until around midnight, there's no time to do much of anything after work, either. So yeah. I won't be making any money this weekend, but I think that's a perfectly acceptable tradeoff considering I might actually get some time to relax AND work on my thesis this weekend. Plus I think the universe must have sent me some good karma for giving up my Saturday night shift considering the lunch shift was really busy both yesterday and today and I've already made decent cash this week.
And maybe I'll have time to do an actual blog post this weekend. I don't know what I consider an "actual blog post", since I guess that's pretty much exactly what I'm doing right now. This is in actuality a blog post. But I guess I just don't find it very fulfilling to keep typing "I'm so busy!" over and over and over again, and I don't think any of my readers (all ten of you, ha) really want to keep reading about it, either.
So yeah. Maybe I'll have time to tell some stories this weekend.
Oh, and if you're ever in Austin, I recommend this restaurant . It's just as delicious as it is lovely. It's a bit pricey since it's upscale Japanese-some of the items are REALLY pricy, one steak was being sold for 14 dollars an ounce-but the sushi rolls are pretty reasonably priced, they have some really cool and quirky appetizers and drinks, and the price is well worth it in my personal opinion. I'd been there once before, but my Dad is in town for a meeting so he took my siblings and I there last night and it was one of the better meals I've had in a while.
Downtown was madness last night, though. A whole bunch of Ohio State fans are in town for the game on Saturday, and people were already tailgating. On Thursday night. Insane. I think I'll stay out of Austin for the rest of the weekend.
I don't work Friday nights (I've permanently requested them off) so I almost always work on Saturday nights, and I'm sort of ambivalent about it. Yes, it's usually good money on Saturday nights, but my entire Saturday is wasted. I usually have to go in at 4 on Saturdays, and when you sleep until 12 or 1:00 on weekends (and I usually do) then there's not really time in the day to do anything worthwhile before work, and since I don't usually get off until around midnight, there's no time to do much of anything after work, either. So yeah. I won't be making any money this weekend, but I think that's a perfectly acceptable tradeoff considering I might actually get some time to relax AND work on my thesis this weekend. Plus I think the universe must have sent me some good karma for giving up my Saturday night shift considering the lunch shift was really busy both yesterday and today and I've already made decent cash this week.
And maybe I'll have time to do an actual blog post this weekend. I don't know what I consider an "actual blog post", since I guess that's pretty much exactly what I'm doing right now. This is in actuality a blog post. But I guess I just don't find it very fulfilling to keep typing "I'm so busy!" over and over and over again, and I don't think any of my readers (all ten of you, ha) really want to keep reading about it, either.
So yeah. Maybe I'll have time to tell some stories this weekend.
Oh, and if you're ever in Austin, I recommend this restaurant . It's just as delicious as it is lovely. It's a bit pricey since it's upscale Japanese-some of the items are REALLY pricy, one steak was being sold for 14 dollars an ounce-but the sushi rolls are pretty reasonably priced, they have some really cool and quirky appetizers and drinks, and the price is well worth it in my personal opinion. I'd been there once before, but my Dad is in town for a meeting so he took my siblings and I there last night and it was one of the better meals I've had in a while.
Downtown was madness last night, though. A whole bunch of Ohio State fans are in town for the game on Saturday, and people were already tailgating. On Thursday night. Insane. I think I'll stay out of Austin for the rest of the weekend.
Tuesday, September 05, 2006
Tales to be Told
Well, I'm feeling much better, but things have been mad crazy busy around here and I haven't had time to write. I know, I know, who isn't busy? And all you other people seem to still find time to write. But I just feel like I've literally been scheduled every hour of every day lately and I really do need to sleep sometimes, too.
Part of the problem is that when I actually had scheduled in free time this week (Sunday night and most of Monday) that time ended up not being free after all. And as a result I have stories to tell, stories that involve bailing multiple people out of the Comal County Jail and my college ex randomly coming to town and spending the night last night.
The Cliff's Notes version goes something like, "Damn, it is an effin' ordeal to get people out of prison, and no, I didn't sleep with him and I didn't even want to and the fact that I still didn't want to even when I saw him in person kind of surprised me a little bit but I'm really, really happy that I honestly am totally over and done with all that nonsense."
So yeah. It was kind of a crazy weekend. Maybe I'll give you the full version of the above one of these days. In the meantime I'll be over here trying to keep all these jobs and projects under control.
Part of the problem is that when I actually had scheduled in free time this week (Sunday night and most of Monday) that time ended up not being free after all. And as a result I have stories to tell, stories that involve bailing multiple people out of the Comal County Jail and my college ex randomly coming to town and spending the night last night.
The Cliff's Notes version goes something like, "Damn, it is an effin' ordeal to get people out of prison, and no, I didn't sleep with him and I didn't even want to and the fact that I still didn't want to even when I saw him in person kind of surprised me a little bit but I'm really, really happy that I honestly am totally over and done with all that nonsense."
So yeah. It was kind of a crazy weekend. Maybe I'll give you the full version of the above one of these days. In the meantime I'll be over here trying to keep all these jobs and projects under control.
Friday, September 01, 2006
Sicky
I think I'm getting sick. Actually, I hope I'm not getting sick. I hope I already am as sick as I'm going to get and this isn't going to get any worse. Because right now I don't feel miserable, I just feel sort of generally crappy. Stuffy nose, little cough, kinda achy. Not bad enough that it prevented me from going to work today, but bad enough that I didn't care at all when the lunch rush was much shorter than usual and I got cut after only serving four tables. Who cares that I made less than twenty bucks today, I just wanted to go home and take a nap anyway.
The annoying thing is that just four or five days ago I was thinking to myself, "I feel pretty much 100% right now. It has been a really long time since I was sick!" So I guess I had it coming. It seems like that always happens to me, though. I never get sick unless I've just been thinking about how I never get sick. All I can think is that maybe subconsciously my body already sort of realizes that something is starting to go wrong and that's why I always end up thinking, "Wow, I never get sick!" right before I do. Because deep down I'm already thinking about the impending illness.
Hmmmm...that last paragraph may have made no sense at all. Note to self: No more chugging Ny-quil before writing entries.
The worst thing about colds is not being able to taste food. I'm eating red licorice right now but I might as well quit wasting it on my stupid cold-riddled body 'cause it just tastes like styrofoam.I should probably blow out my nifty new rose-scented candle, too, 'cause I can't smell anything right now. I can't even smell my musky hound dog and he's once again sprawled across my chest and arms as I'm lying on the couch trying to type this (I need to get someone to take a picture of how Cohen and I lie on the couch together every night while I'm on the computer because it really is pretty ridiculous...sweet, but ridiculous. There is literally fifty pounds of basset on top of me).
Last night was awesome, by the way. Jacob, a friend of mine from high school, is in town for the weekend for some sort of family reunion, so last night we went out on 6th Street and then he spent the night on my couch. Since I didn't feel like driving up to Austin alone I talked two of my fellow grad students, Debbie and Richie, into coming with me. Since Debbie just moved here from Kansas and Richie just moved here from Canada*, neither of them had ever been to 6th Street so I kind of got to show everyone around. So we went to Maggie May's and Spill and Aquarium and drank a little and danced a little and I'm sure poor Jacob was kinda overwhelmed by the combination of Richie, Debbie and me. I always forget just how freakin' talkative theatre people are until I'm around non-theatre people and they're politely listening to story after story but you can tell they're kind of like, "Jesus, do these people ever shut the hell up?!" At any rate, Jacob was a good sport and getting to see him was great, even if it was only for a little while. And I'm excited about hanging out more with Debbie and Richie. Last year the grad program was a bit clique-ish because most of the second-years didn't get along with each other that well and a lot of the second-years didn't seem to particularly care about getting to know us first-years. This year already seems to be going much better since we full-time second years (basically me, Amanda, Mandi and Kelly) all get along and the new first-years seem to be hitting it off with each other and with us. So things are looking promising so far.
I can't say the same for my school work, per se, but we'll see...
*Poor Richie. He has already sort of been defined as "the guy from Canada". Luckily he's a really easy-going guy and at least pretends to be amused when everyone spends the whole night jokingly blaming every tiny problem on him for the sole reason that he's Canadian and trying to mimic the way he says words like "out" and "about". Richie is pretty awesome.
The annoying thing is that just four or five days ago I was thinking to myself, "I feel pretty much 100% right now. It has been a really long time since I was sick!" So I guess I had it coming. It seems like that always happens to me, though. I never get sick unless I've just been thinking about how I never get sick. All I can think is that maybe subconsciously my body already sort of realizes that something is starting to go wrong and that's why I always end up thinking, "Wow, I never get sick!" right before I do. Because deep down I'm already thinking about the impending illness.
Hmmmm...that last paragraph may have made no sense at all. Note to self: No more chugging Ny-quil before writing entries.
The worst thing about colds is not being able to taste food. I'm eating red licorice right now but I might as well quit wasting it on my stupid cold-riddled body 'cause it just tastes like styrofoam.I should probably blow out my nifty new rose-scented candle, too, 'cause I can't smell anything right now. I can't even smell my musky hound dog and he's once again sprawled across my chest and arms as I'm lying on the couch trying to type this (I need to get someone to take a picture of how Cohen and I lie on the couch together every night while I'm on the computer because it really is pretty ridiculous...sweet, but ridiculous. There is literally fifty pounds of basset on top of me).
Last night was awesome, by the way. Jacob, a friend of mine from high school, is in town for the weekend for some sort of family reunion, so last night we went out on 6th Street and then he spent the night on my couch. Since I didn't feel like driving up to Austin alone I talked two of my fellow grad students, Debbie and Richie, into coming with me. Since Debbie just moved here from Kansas and Richie just moved here from Canada*, neither of them had ever been to 6th Street so I kind of got to show everyone around. So we went to Maggie May's and Spill and Aquarium and drank a little and danced a little and I'm sure poor Jacob was kinda overwhelmed by the combination of Richie, Debbie and me. I always forget just how freakin' talkative theatre people are until I'm around non-theatre people and they're politely listening to story after story but you can tell they're kind of like, "Jesus, do these people ever shut the hell up?!" At any rate, Jacob was a good sport and getting to see him was great, even if it was only for a little while. And I'm excited about hanging out more with Debbie and Richie. Last year the grad program was a bit clique-ish because most of the second-years didn't get along with each other that well and a lot of the second-years didn't seem to particularly care about getting to know us first-years. This year already seems to be going much better since we full-time second years (basically me, Amanda, Mandi and Kelly) all get along and the new first-years seem to be hitting it off with each other and with us. So things are looking promising so far.
I can't say the same for my school work, per se, but we'll see...
*Poor Richie. He has already sort of been defined as "the guy from Canada". Luckily he's a really easy-going guy and at least pretends to be amused when everyone spends the whole night jokingly blaming every tiny problem on him for the sole reason that he's Canadian and trying to mimic the way he says words like "out" and "about". Richie is pretty awesome.
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