Does Your Manager Certify His Employees In Responsible Alcohol Service?

So I'm online right now taking my TABC certification class. Clearly, I'm paying attention and dutifully watching each and every stupid video on responsibly serving alcohol and preventing my customers from drinking to the point of intoxication.
I always love the scripts for these sort of things. They're so cheesy. How hard would it be to write a script for a training video that actually sounds like real people talking and yet still gets the point across?
I did one of these online things last week to get my food handler's card and it was equally stupid, but at least I was able to get through that one really quickly. It was supposed to take an hour and a half but since it was all just files that you read and I read quickly, I was done in twenty minutes. (Uh, I'm not THAT much of a speed reader, they just must have estimated the time based on the slowest reader on the planet). Unfortunately, this one is supposed to take four hours and its mostly videos and the program won't let you skip ahead so I have to actually sit through each painfully stupid video.
Here's my other pet peeve about this class: it starts with a pre-test, which if I remember correctly is the exact same test you take to get your certification at the end of the course. I got an 88 on the pre-test, and you only need a 70 to pass. Why, if I can pass the pre-test, do I have to sit through the entire four hour class?! Clearly I already know most of this crap.
I already know this crap because a) I'm the daughter of a restaurant and bar owner so I was pretty darn familiar with alcohol laws long before I ever started working, b) any semi-educated person with any sort of experience with multiple choice tests could probably guess correctly on enough of the questions to pass, and c) I already took this course once before, to get certified when I was bartending in Fort Worth. Last time I took it I drank several margaritas while taking the course, just because I could and that sort of stupid minor subversion amuses me. I may continue the tradition and make myself a pina colada here in a little while, but for now I'll just blog to kill the time. Sigh. Why don't these certifications last longer than two years?

In other vaguely annoying news, I got an invitation today to a reception honoring the recipients of one of the scholarships I get. I get three scholarships total, and two of them sometimes have these schmoozy sort of events. Reception with the university president! Write a thank you letter to the committee so we can put it on a website to show our scholarship sponsors! Special program with the really wealthy couple that's providing your scholarship! I know I shouldn't bitch too much about these things. They usually only come up two or three times a year and that's a pretty small amount of effort to expend on my part considering I get a pretty decent amount of money in scholarships and once tuition has been paid more than half of that money goes directly into my pocket. Although my graduate assistantship does pay me a monthly salary, the amount I get from that wouldn't be enough to pay my living expenses AND cover my tuition, so it is because of these scholarships that I'm able to make a living as a student and not have any student loans. (Yes, it's true, I'm currently debt-free. No student loans over here. Hate if you want to, but rest assured I don't believe this situation will go on forever, as I can't really imagine that any school is going to want to pay me to get my doctorate.) So I know I should be very grateful for these scholarships and believe me, I am. I really am. But these reception things are always so painful. None of us scholarship recipients really know each other so we all just have to stand around for an hour and a half making awkward small talk and the food and drinks usually aren't anything worthwhile and usually some speaker says something cliche and we all try to stay just long enough so that it doesn't look bad when we leave. I kind of want to RSVP that I can't go, but I know I should. I figure I'll do all the schmoozy stuff this semester just to guarantee that I still get my money in the spring, but come spring, forget about it. I'm outta here.

Finally, I know he pretends to get mad when I see him and don't write about it, so I should mention that Matthew! was in town last night. He and Amanda and I went out and once again had crap service at Chilis. Matthew and I have decided we can't eat or drink at Chilis together anymore since both of us seem to have decent service whenever we're there with other people but this is now the third time we've had terrible service at Chilis when we've been together.
Unfortunately, Amanda and Matthew once again failed to actually make out, although Matthew did tell his mother about his "girlfriend" Amanda and his mother is now pretending to be convinced that Matthew is bi. And we had the following conversation, just one of many that made me laugh last night:

Me: I don't care so much about getting married, honestly. I mean, I'd really like it to happen, but I'm also not going to do it unless the guy is really amazing. I'd rather be alone than be in a half-ass relationship. But I am really serious about wanting to be a mom, though. If I'm pushin' forty and I still don't have any kids, I'll adopt or get a sperm donor or do whatever I need to do to make that happen.
Amanda: Or sleep with a friend.
Me: I could do that.
Matthew: Well, I don't know about that, but I'd father your children.
Me: Ooh, you could totally father my children! We'd have cute kids.
Matthew: We'd have really cute babies!
Amanda: And then I'll be Aunt Amanda!
Me: Oh lord, my poor child is going to be so screwed up! "Honey, I'm your mama, and this is Auntie Matthew, your gay biological father. And this is Aunt Amanda, the gay sperm donor's girlfriend!" How am I ever going to explain the family?!

Personally, I think that would be a pretty good little family, actually. After all, Cohen is "nephew" to both of them right now and he seems to be turning out just fine.

This Is Who Is Sharing My Bed These Days

Yes, you should be jealous. I've never met anyone else as snuggly. He clearly has excellent taste in reading material. He wakes me up with kisses every morning and is always incredibly excited, as if it's our first morning together every single time. And yes, sometimes he really does sleep with his head on my pillow like that.
P.S.-This is actually a picture of him sleeping in Chelsea's bed, not mine. But close enough!

ABC

A - Available: Yes, but whether or not I answer the question honestly depends on who's asking
A - Age: 23
A - Annoyance: How muggy it is outside right now. UGH.

B - Beer: Strongbow, Sunshine, Blue Moon, and Red Stripe are my favorites (hmmmm...apparently I'm an import beer snob. Who knew?!). I've also been known to down an entire pitcher of Shiner on more than one ocassion (but only when Jenny is involved). And when I'm being cheap it's Miller Light.
B - Birthday: November 5th
B - Blood type: A Positive

C - Crush: I don't have one right now. There is a serious lack of appealing guys here. Or maybe I'm just a terribly picky bitch (yeah, yeah, it's probably the latter).
C - Car: I drive a Camaro. His name is Bostwick. He's really dirty right now.
C - Coke or Pepsi: Coke

D - Day or night: Night
D - Dream Vehicle: A Lexus SUV or an Escalade. I'm well aware I could never pull off the whole Escalade thing, but when I used to valet park cars the Escalades were always my very favorite to drive.
D - Dog or cat: I hope to always have both, but I guess I'm more of a dog person.

E - Easiest person to talk to: Mom, Kymberli, Mandi, Chelsea, Mike when we're actually speaking to each other
E - Eggs: I have a bad habit of buying eggs and then never using them.
E - Email: I can't fathom how anyone survives in this day and age without it.

F - Favorite Month: I guess November, 'cause that's when my birthday is and the holidays are coming up so everyone is getting excited but the stressful holiday/end-of-the-semester crunch hasn't hit yet.
F - Favorite color: Mediterrean colors. Like these ones
F - Favorite Memory: I have way too many favorites to choose just one. Most of my very favorites are from traveling with my family or friends. And I have a few very happy romantic memories, too.

G - Gummy Bears or Worms: Bears
G - Giver or taker: I hope that I strike a good balance between the two, but I'm afraid sometimes I'm more of a taker.
G - Gum: Juicy Fruit. But I very rarely chew gum.

H - Hair Color: Brunette. My dad swears it gets darker every time he sees me. My hair is the same color my mom's was when she was young, and when I was a little kid I used to draw pictures of my mom and color her hair with a black crayon. So yeah, my hair is pretty dark.
H - Height: I say 5'6" or 5'7" but a lot of people have told me I'm taller than that. Who knows.
H - Happy: I am.

I - Ice Cream: Winter White Chocolate from Baskin Robbins, Cherry Garcia, Chocolate Peanut Butter
I - Instrument: Once upon a time I played the violin. Now I just play Guitar Hero.
I - Idol: I don't have one.

J - Jewelry: I always wear my watch and I almost always wear a sapphire and diamond ring that my grandmother gave me for my 19th birthday. Other than that, I'm an earrings girl. I have a bunch of pairs of earrings and wear different ones all the time. I like necklaces but don't usually wear them unless I'm dressed up, and I never wear bracelets.
J - Job: Full-time graduate student, part-time box office manager, part-time waitress
J - Jail: I've never been arrested, although I did have to go to the jail to get finger printed when I was getting certified to teach. That was fun. (My favorite thing was the large sign in the finger printing room that said Please Do Not Leave Prisoners Unattended. Uh, shouldn't that go without saying?)

K - Kids: I'm definitely going to be a mother someday, but I don't want it to happen anytime soon.
K - Kickboxing or karate: Kickboxing is the only one I've done.
K - Kindergarten: My teacher was Mrs. Hamilton. I spent a lot of time listening to Raffi songs at the headphone station, making Jello with Shanna at the "cooking" station, checking the same books out over and over again from the library, and waiting very impatiently for my teeth to start falling out so I could get my picture on the lost tooth wall, too.

L - Longest Car Ride: I went with Mike to help his sister move from Portland, Oregon back to El Paso. That was the longest road trip I've ever made. It took us three days to drive from Portland to El Paso. The longest car trip I've ever made in one day was from El Paso to Telluride, Colorado. 13 hours. Ugh.
L - Lemonade: Chic-fil-A lemonade is one of my favorite things in the world.
L - Last Kiss: Two weeks ago.

M - Milk flavor: Just plain fat-free milk
M - Most missed person(s): Mike, Kymberli (but at least I talk to Kymberli all the time. I do miss seeing her everyday, though!)
M - Movie Last Watched in theaters: The pirate movie!

N - Number of Siblings: 2
N - Number of Tattoos: Zero. I don't want any.
N - Name: Ashley Lorraine

O - ONE WISH: That I'll always be content and, if not completely satisfied, at least mostly satisfied
O - One fear: I irrationally fear losing my entire family all at once in some sort of freak accident
O - One regret: I can't think of anything. I guess the only things I regret are things that I didn't have much control over in the first place.

P - Pet Peeves: Here's one: the phrase, "Do what?" instead of, "I'm sorry, I didn't hear you" or, "What was that?" or "Pardon?" or any one of half a dozen other things you could say that don't make you sound like an idiot. I realize that it's just an east Texas thing, but it sounds so hick to me and I kinda hate it.
P - Part of your appearance you like best: My legs and my nose
P - Part of your personality you like best: I like a lot of things about myself. I get complimented a lot for being logical and dependable, so I guess that's what other people like about me. Personally, I like my ability to get really excited and happy about tiny little things.

Q - Quick or Slow: I guess the author of this dumb thing had some issues with coming up with other Q items.

R - Reason to smile: I made almost $70 in tips yesterday, during a lunch shift!
R - Reality TV Show: I'll admit it, a couple of my guilty pleasures are Project Runway and America's Next Top Model. And Whose Wedding Is It, Anyway?, and some of those shows where they teach people how to dress, and The Hills and, okay, so I do watch reality TV. But out of "my" shows, the ones that I actually take the time to watch each week and record if I'm not going to be home, the only ones that are reality shows are Project Runway and ANTM.
R - Reasons to cry: I don't have any reasons to cry right now. Life is good at the moment. Maybe not 100% satisfying, but good.

S - Song Last Heard: Miracles, by Jefferson Starship
S - Season: Any season where I'm not sweating like I am right now.
S - Shoes: I have to admit I kinda love my boat shoes. Then again, I also love my patent-leather spike-heeled pumps, so my shoe taste is kinda all over the place.

T - Time you woke up: 11:05 AM
T - Time Now: 1:44 PM
T - Time for bed: Whenever I feel tired or finish my work for the day, usually sometime between 12:30 and 2 AM

U - U love someone: Love isn't a word I throw around lightly, but yes, there are some people in my life that I truly love.
U - Unpredictable: No, actually. I think I'm pretty damn predictable. I'm very much a creature of habit and routine and I'm pretty even-keeled emotionally as well.
U - Ultra sensitive: I don't think so. A little sensitive sometimes, but I don't think I'd call myself ultra sensitive.

V - Vegetable you hate: I guess I don't like lima beans much, but I don't hate them.
V - Vegetable you love: I love vegetables. I love pretty much all of them. I also don't eat nearly enough of them.
V - Vacation spot: The cabin in Ruidoso, London, anywhere tropical

W- Worst Habits: I have an internet addiction. Seriously, I spend far too long each day sitting at my computer just goofing around. I could get a shocking amount of real work done each day if only I'd stop reading blogs.
W- Where are you going to travel next: Houston, to see my family.
W- Weather right now: Sunny, 93 degrees, and too humid for words.

X - X-Rays: My teeth, and my right ankle
X - X-Rated Porn: I'm not fun to watch porn with. I get too obsessed with the "plot" or lack thereof and I annoy everyone else with my running commentary on how ridiculous and unrealistic the whole thing is.
X- Xero: I don't even know what that means.

Y - Year you were born: 1982
Y - Year it is now: 2006
Y - Yellow: Is one of my favorite colors

Z - Zoo Animal: Seals
Z - Zodiac: Scorpio
ZzZz: I agree.

The Truth is Still Hidden

Tonight I went swimming after dark. Swimming at night is one of my favorite things to do, provided it's in a swimming pool or somewhere well-lit enough where I can easily see what's going on in the water (I've been swimming in the ocean at night and that's just terrifying-exhilerating, but terrifying). For some reason the pool at this apartment complex tends to get pretty hoppin' after dark many nights, but since it was early in the night I had the whole pool to myself. I had intended to use my pool time to get in a good workout, so at first I was diligent and did a whole bunch of laps. But then I did my first lap of backstroke and, well, that was the end of any productive workout time. I was floating on my back looking up at the sky and the stars were incredibly bright and beautiful. I was surprised I could even see any stars at all. I remember when I lived in the metroplex the light pollution was so bad that most nights I could see just a handful of stars at most. After a few months I just stopped looking at the sky all together. I don't usually notice the stars here, either. But tonight I did, and they were mesmerizing. I did laps of backstroke slowly and leisurely until my hands and feet were wrinkled from being in the water so long, and I just stared up at the starry sky and I thought. I thought about everything. I thought about where I've been so far in life and where I want to go. I thought a lot about why I believe I have the goals I do in the first place. I thought about disappointment and fulfillment and how I've had so much of both in the past year. I thought a whole lot about transitions and dreams. I thought about how at one point in my life I thought I'd have a lot more figured out and settled by now. Then I reminded myself that for being only 23 years old and only one year out of college, I already have a hell of a lot figured out and settled. I also reminded myself that the only person telling me I ever have to settle on anything is me, and that I could change every single thing about my life at any moment if I really wanted to do so. And I laughed at myself, because to ever have thought that I'd have everything more or less figured out and settled on by the age of 23 is laughable. I think that maybe nobody should have everything figured out and settled on by the age of 23, especially considering the fact that the rational judgment center of our brains isn't completely formed until we're about 25 (the single fact that I vividly remember from the Marriage and Family sociology class I took in college). I'm not sure if I came to any profound or important conclusions tonight. It was probably just the stars tricking me. But I feel really good, like maybe I really am doing exactly what I'm supposed to be doing right now.

I think part of the reason why I'm so introspective today is that I had a weird night last night. I had a very strange dream where I was an observer instead of a participant. This has never happened to me before, as far as I can remember. I am always an active participant in my dreams, and I am always myself. But this dream was very movie-like and kind of sci-fi and unlike anything I've ever dreamed in my life prior to now. I won't bore you with the details, but throughout most of the dream I was watching all of the action taking place, and when I was a participant in the dream action I wasn't myself, I was an adolescent male. What the hell?! I have no idea what that could possibly mean, if anything, but it freaked me out.

I don't think I'd have remembered the dream so vividly at all if I hadn't been woken up right in the middle of it by a text message from my ex. Not Mike, the other one. My college ex.
I often wonder how other people define exes. Like, when I'm thinking about exes I really only have two. Despite the fact that I've obviously had relationships in various degrees of intimacy with more than two guys, I only consider a guy an ex when I feel as though he had an inalterable, unforgettable effect on my life. Basically, I have to have cried over him at some point in order for him to get Ashley's Ex status. So I only count two: Mike, and my ex-fuck buddy. Everyone else is just "this guy I used to kinda date", which covers pretty much any other variation on an actual relationship that you can think of.
I'm not even positive that I can technically call my buddy an ex since he was never a boyfriend except that, well, that relationship went on for years. For most of my senior year we were spending three or four nights a week together, which is more than a lot of actual dating couples. He spent time with my family on many occasions. In retrospect, we had a lot of very couple-y talks (okay, arguments). He was never my boyfriend and I was never his girlfriend, but for better or worse he's the guy that more or less defined my college years (well, the latter half of my college years and the parts of those years when I was actually living in Fort Worth; it would be unfair to leave Mike out of the equation since I've always considered his presence in my life equally definitive). He always tells me that I'll be remembered as the girl that defined his college years as well. Although I admittedly take every single thing he says with a grain of salt, so who really knows how he actually thinks about me.
And when I say "for better or for worse", I really mean that. The fuck buddy dynamic is worthy of an entire blog entry or ten and now that I'm almost a year removed from the whole experience I still haven't decided how I ultimately feel about it all. A lot of it was wonderful. No-strings-attached sex, when there really weren't strings, was great. Really great. And then inevitably some strings did get attached (YEARS went by, people! How could they not?!) and we got to actually be close friends and that was good, too. We did have something unique, that's for sure. But ultimately not knowing whether or not he was having that unique sort of relationship I thought we had with a bunch of other women-and not having any real right to care and call him on it even if he was-started to wear on me. Also, here's the thing women need to realize about having a fuck buddy: for men, it's easy. It's amazing, at least in my experience, how many girls are willing to sort of share the same guy. You wouldn't think that would be the case with how catty girls are, but girls are actually much more willing to put up with that than guys. I know many guys who juggle several girls at once and are completely open about it. I don't know a single girl that juggles several guys openly. Secretly, maybe. But while a guy can be sleeping with Jackie and Stacy and Kara and the whole world knows about it and everyone involved knows about it and is more or less okay with it, a girl can't openly be sleeping with Mark and Jason and Greg. Oh, sure, the whole world might know that the girl is sleeping with Mark and Jason and Greg, but the guys themselves can't know about it or the whole thing blows up. The guys can have their suspicions, but the minute Mark knows for sure that Jason is sleeping with the same girl he is, it's all over. This is a double standard I haven't totally figured out, but it exists. So that's one downside to having a fuck buddy: he could and did stay on the market, but even though I liked to think that I was still available, I really wasn't. Also, there's the fact that having a fuck buddy makes you very complacent. When you're having regular sex you're not gonna knock yourself out looking for an actual complete relationship. And let's face it, looking for an actual complete relationship takes some effort. After a while I realized I was passing up opportunities for normal relationships, but it took me a long time to actually admit that to myself. There are so many more things I could say about this, but this entry is already ridiculously long and I'm losing my train of thought anyway.
The ultimate point is that I don't regret having that relationship. I learned a whole lot about myself, and in a sense I feel like that was something I needed to get out of my system. I did wild, crazy, and stupid things with him, and I needed to do that. I needed to do it to prove to myself that I could and to know that I don't need it again. Because of him, I've done enough now that I'll never have to worry about being forty and going, "I wish I'd tried..." because I've pretty much tried it all (with a few notable exceptions-I realize this makes me sound insanely wild and I really am not some kinky sex freak, I swear). And ultimately, I've decided that the "all" in "trying it all" isn't all that great. It's definitely fun for a while, damn, is it fun! But once you've done it you've done it. It's not like your run-of-the-mill, drug-induced threesome can grown and flourish (that is just a random example and not necessarily something yours truly has particpated in, although it certainly might have happened...you be the judge. Ha.) This is why I shake my head when people like Mike say they want to be single for life. The shine on that lifestyle wears off pretty quickly, as most people figure out. Yes, there are legitimate reasons for wanting to be single for life, but wanting to be single for the reason most young people think they want to be single--the wild, crazy, Sex And the City-style sexual adventure--is a pretty pathetic reason to want to stay single. But I also know that everyone needs to figure that out for themselves, and should go wild and crazy and figure that out for themselves, actually. I sincerely believe that people who don't actually let themselves go at least a little wild and crazy and try a few things for themselves will regret it later. Maybe not tomorrow, maybe not ten years from now, but I know far too many women my mother's age who married the only guy they ever slept with and now at fifty are seriously wondering what else they missed. So get the hell out there, ladies, and make sure you really know that you're not missing anything good when you do settle down. Settle down knowing for sure that you have the best because you've tried other options. Because if you know you know, but assumptions can and do falter. Oh, but be SAFE for god's sake! There, there's my disclaimer.
Anyway. As for my relationship with my buddy, I guess in some ways I wish I hadn't let it go on as long as it did, but deep down I also know that I would have left that partial relationship behind in a split second if anyone completely worthwhile had come along. And nobody ever did. And in the meantime, part of the fun of our relationship was that we both knew it was never going to go anywhere. He and I ultimately just weren't all that compatible. More than anything I just need to be with someone I can talk to about anything, and right up until the end I was still sort of playing a role with him and censoring myself. No matter how much I wanted to let go and just fully be me around him, I never quite could do it. I don't think he ever once saw me in the sort of boxer/tank top pajamas I usually sleep in, for example. It was all lacy slips and red lingerie and candles and sultry music, always (when we were sober; otherwise it was intense, liquor-fueled romps). I was sort of a sexy caricature of myself, and it was fun and hot and exciting but it wasn't the stuff a lasting relationship is made of. And all that sexy sexy sex? Believe it or not, even that gets old. And he drank too much, and he was way too irresponsible for me, and blah, blah, blah. It just never would have worked as a "real" relationship. Sometimes I think he really did love me. I know now that I never really loved him, and that sort of makes me sad, that discrepancy.

Our whole thing mostly ended when I moved and then ultimately ended completely and spectacularly when I threw a screaming fit at him over the phone a few days before Christmas. There was no real problem--at least, not a problem that hadn't already existed for the past two years--but I finally was just fed up with it all and it was over.
I felt bad for yelling later, but I'm glad I ended it. And I am 100% positive that it was the right decision. I know this because even though it was the renewal of my relationship with Mike that ultimately made me end things with my buddy, even after Mike started dating Jenny I didn't want to go back to my old relationship. I didn't even consider trying to start things up again. And I don't want to now, either. It's funny how something that can be such a major part of your life and so important for such a long time can suddenly just be completely over, like a chapter in a book. I keep trying to find some inkling of the way I felt for him before, and I can't feel it. I'm not saying that he still particularly cares about me, either. Like I said, I never knew what was going on in his head in the first place and sure don't now. But he does send me the ocassional message, like this one last night:
"I think about you a lot. I love you and we should talk soon. Sleep tight, doll." And I wonder briefly if he's just sending that message to me or if he just forwarded it to a dozen other girls in his phone. And I wonder if I were to initiate flirtation what the reaction would be. Something tells me it would be pretty easy to start all that up again.
But I just have no desire to do it. And that's a very good feeling, to realize what a change I have gone through in terms of that relationship.

I can't wait until I finally feel that same way about Mike. I really hope that someday I will.

Negative/Positive

-
-People that come into the restaurant and don't tip anybody, ever. I got stiffed for the first time today and was pretty pissed about it, especially because I couldn't figure out what I could possibly have done to make the table so mad that they wouldn't leave me any money. Then I found out from my co-workers that these particular people never tip, ever. So my question is, do we really have to keep letting them into the restaurant? Are there really people in this country that are not aware of the fact that waiters only make about $2.00 an hour and are reliant on tips for pretty much their entire income? Idiots.
-Sinus headaches
-Talking to strangers on the phone. I had to call the clips licensing division of several movie studios yesterday afternoon ('cause my thesis project is just that glamorous, ha) and I hate talking to strangers on the phone under normal circumstances, but it's really scary to have someone answer the phone with, "Hello, Twentieth Century Fox main desk", or Universal, or Warner Bros., or whatever, especially because I'd just assumed that the numbers I was calling would connect directly to the divisions I wanted. Once I got the main desk I seriously wanted to hang up because all I could think was, "Jesus, these people don't have time for people like me." Except that apparently they do, 'cause I got all the information I needed to know for now. (Incidentally, when you're searching for the contact information for Universal, before they will let you onto their "Contact Us" page you have to promise that you won't send them any unsolicited ideas. I thought that was pretty hilarious. Yes, please feel free to contact us, but not if you're just doing it to send us your psychotically stupid idea for a new project...that we're probably already working on, considering the sorry state of most films these days).

+
-It's 5:30 in the afternoon and my to-do list for the day is complete.
-I only have to work tomorrow morning and Saturday night and then I'm off for four whole days! I'm not sure why I have four days off in a row...possibly because by Saturday I'll have worked six days in a row. I'm not questioning it, though, I'm just going with it. Because I can do a lot of really lame and useless things in four whole free days!
-The red licorice, bottle of Coke, and Everyday With Rachael Ray magazine that are waiting for me on my kitchen counter because yes, that is what I'm planning to do tonight: eat licorice and read cooking magazines. The ol' social life, it's really hoppin' right now! (I know Matthew at least will appreciate how I'm planning to spend my evening, even if nobody else understands)
-Speaking of cooking, I actually cooked a real dinner last night. I made this basil/ricotta/tomato pasta thing. I realized July was almost over and since the only time I'd cooked in July was the 4th I needed to cook one more "real" meal again before the month was over. So I did it! And that means I've still stuck to my new years resolution of cooking a real meal twice a month. Pretty good, considering the year is more than half over. I think the only month that I slacked was last month, but I blame that on England.

Anyway, this is a rather pointless entry and Cohen is lying here whining because he wants to go for a walk. I think we'll do our walk at the outlet mall this evening and do some window shopping. That should make the dog happy, he'll be able to beg dozens of shoppers for belly rubs.

This is Going Around

1. What made you smile today? The fact that it's raining right now, because it means that I can now rationalize that instead of being lazy for not taking my car to the car wash this afternoon I was just being smart!
2. What were you doing this morning at 8 a.m.? Sleeping, thankfully (I try my best to never see any morning hour before 9 a.m. And even that is too damn early, actually),
3.What were you doing 15 minutes ago? I was outside with the basset, because of course he decided he wanted to go out the minute it started to rain.
4. Something that happened to you in 1986? I was three years old through most of 1986, so I can't say I remember much. I was in Ms. Rice's preschool class and my best friend was Melissa de la Rosa. We took a family vacation to Disneyland with my cousins and I was terrified of pretty much every bit of it, especially the Tiki Room and the spinning tea cups. I actually remember that part. I don't really remember this part, but apparently I would only ride the It's a Small World ride over and over and over again, much to my father's chagrin. I spent a lot of time pretending that my Mickey Mouse doll was a baby (when I wasn't flinging him into oncoming traffic, which was apparently another young childhood habit of mine), and I had an actual baby brother on the way.
5. Your prom nights? My junior prom was okay. The best part of junior prom was actually all the fun I had helping to plan and decorate for it, since the junior class threw the prom for the seniors. It was pretty beautiful, actually (beautiful to 17 year old me, at any rate). I was single at the time and didn't have a date, but I went to the prom with Kristen and Melissa, my two best friends at the time. We had dinner at my friend Cassie's house with a bunch of other people and then we rented a trolley to take us to the dance. My biggest memory from the dance was how many times we heard that damn "Thong Song" by Sisquo that night. Remember how popular that piece of trash was?!
My senior prom was perfect. Absolutely everything a prom is supposed to be. Envision an ideal, fairy-tale prom night and that was my senior prom. Sure, the location was kind of lame and there was a lot of strangeness going on in my circle of friends at the time...let's just say that we'd all coupled up and to this day I believe that about half of the people I went with were with the wrong date...but my date was perfect. I was with Mike and when I look back on it now I realize we were just beginning to really fall in love with each other. I felt very pretty and special, we ate Italian food for dinner, Mike and I barely left the dance floor all night long (and he is not a dancer normally, so that's saying a lot), and then after the dance Mike and I got a hotel room at the Marriott and thinking about the rest of that night still makes my heart ache in the best possible way. I wouldn't have had it any other way.
6. Last thing you said aloud? "It's okay, Jose." (The cat is not a fan of storms)
7. Last thing someone else said aloud? The TV doesn't count, does it? If not, the last thing I heard someone say was, "Oh, it's raining!" (That was my upstairs neighbor, and judging by his tone of voice he was also talking to his dog. Why do all the dogs want to go outside when it starts raining?)
8. Worst thing currently on television: Flavor of Love. I cannot watch it. I seriously wanted to destroy things the few times I watched it at Chelsea's house because the stupidity of it makes me so frustrated with humanity that I can't even express it in words. Some things are so stupid that they're funny, but Flavor of Love crosses that line and is so stupid it just makes me want to kill myself.
9. What was in the mail today? My mailbox was empty today. Too bad.
10. How many different beverages have you drank today? A root beer at work and a Mountain Dew at the meal I ate at 4:00 that is doubling as lunch and dinner. No more soda for me today!
11. What is your favorite part of the day? It varies from day to day, but generally it's the part where I'm done with my to-do list for the day and I can just chill.
Ah man, where is number 12?!
13. Current to do list? Walk Cohen as soon as the sun goes down a bit more and it stops raining, then find more images and do a bit more research for my dramaturgy project so I actually have things to talk about with Jay in our meeting tomorrow (yikes!).
14. What color is your toothbrush? Pink and white
15. What is out your back door? My patio. On the patio is a cheapo plastic patio table and two chairs, a frog prince wind chime, and a Tony Hawk Pro Skater videogame DVD. I just noticed that lying out there this morning when I opened my blinds. The leaf blowers that come on Tuesdays love to blow everything onto my patio, so I actually need to go sweep. Although why the videogame was outside on the lawn in the first place is beyond me.
16. Any plans for Friday night? Not yet, because my manager is being lame and hasn't put up the new schedule yet so I don't know whether I'm off on Friday night or not.
17. Least favorite place to shop? Wal-mart. No amount of savings is worth braving the stupid crowds at Wal-mart. I'll only go there if it's the only option.
18. Last thing you bought? I can't remember the last thing I bought that wasn't edible.
19. Last gift you received? I'm not sure about this one, either. Maybe the bathing suit my mom bought me back in May?
20. Funniest thing you heard all day? It hasn't been a very funny day. I was at work all morning and at the car alarm store for way too long this afternoon, and work was boring this morning and the car alarm store is probably never fun. So yeah. I did, however, make myself laugh at the car alarm store remembering Jenn B. singing, "I found you, Ms. New Booty!" and booty dancing at the club in England. I love how stupid things like that pop back into my head at the most random moments and make me laugh.
21. Favorite mug? I don't use mugs very often. I guess probably the one with the alarm clock on it that Leah gave me as part of my college graduation present. All the rest of my mugs are just a matching set.
22. What color is your front door? Orange, which happens to be my least-favorite color. They re-painted the outside of my apartment complex back in March/April and picked this green and orange color combination that is pretty hideous. I've bitched about it several times in this blog, actually. I've come to accept and even sort of like the green, but the orange trim and orange doors are still terrible.

Spill Your Guts:
1. First thing you did this morning? Tried to remember what day of the week it is and then kissed the dog. Cuddling Cohen is the first thing I do every morning. It's kind of great, actually.
2. Last thing you ate? A sandwich from Quiznos.
3. Is your cell phone a piece of crap? It's okay. Just a standard black Nokia, not top-of-the-line but not ancient and falling to pieces, either.
4. What's something you look forward to most in the next 6 weeks? Going to Houston with my family to stay at the Four Seasons. Okay, okay, so technically the point of this little family get-together is to watch the Cubs/Astros series (my brother is a Cubs fanatic and my Dad loves anything baseball), but us girls are really going just because Dad got a good deal at the Four Seasons and you never, ever, ever pass up a chance to stay at the Four Seasons. Trust me. The fact that Mom has promised shopping at the Galleria is another big incentive. I'm also looking forward to starting school, minus the part that involves class and thesis work. I'm just looking forward to seeing if there are any interesting new grad students this semester. And I know it's still a little more than six weeks away, but I'm REALLY excited about seeing Tool with Mandi!
5. What's annoying you right now? Nothing really. I'd rather not have to work on dramaturgy tonight, but it's not annoying me. I'm just being lazy.

Q: Is there a person on your mind right now? Kymberli, Cassie, and Matthew, because I left all of them messages earlier today and am expecting calls back from all three. And Mike, because I'm still wondering whether I should just break down and start talking to him again. (I was thisclose to calling him this afternoon and I barely talked myself out of it. And the longer this goes on, the less and less compelling my reasons for not talking to him seem. So I don't know.)
Q: Who is the last person you called? Kymberli, because I just realized it has been more than three days since we last talked and that's an eternity for us.
Q: Do you look like your mom or dad? Like both, although general consensus seems to be I look much more like my dad and his side of the family. I do have my mom's eye and hair color, though.
Q: Do you smile often? I actually don't think I'm a very smiley person, but I'm a very happy person and that's what matters.
Q: Do you wish on stars? Sometimes, if I happen to be outside right as the stars are coming out. And I wish on every shooting star, although I've only seen a few of those in my life.

Q: What is the most disgusting thing you ever ate? Once I bit into a Cadbury Creme egg and there was an ant inside. Believe it or not, this didn't put me off Cadbury eggs entirely because I know that was my fault for leaving it sitting on my kitchen counter for days. Also, it helps that I saw the ant before I actually bit into it.

Q: Would you kill someone? If it was a matter of self-defense or to save someone I loved I think I could. The thing is, I can think of several circumstances in which I'd be willing to kill someone, but I doubt that I'm physically capable of doing it without a gun or other weapon. And I panic in emergency situations so I'd probably just freak out and want to do it but not be able to actually figure out how to do it.
Q: When did you last cry? When I said goodbye to Mike. That was emotionally draining, to say the least.
Q: Are you friendly? Very. I'm always a little shy at first but I think I'm very easy to get along with.
Q: Are you keeping a secret from the world? Nah. I'm not going to lie, there are certain things I intentionally keep secret from certain people. I firmly believe that complete and total honesty is not always the best policy in every situation. But there's nothing that I'm keeping hidden from the whole entire world.
Q: Whose bed did you sleep in last night? My own. (Although the dog and cat are both firmly convinced that it's their bed and they're just kind enough to share it with me).

Sometimes I Like to Brag About Myself

Sometimes I wonder if maybe I'm a little bit too charming.

Haha.

I went to this party last night with a bunch of people I go to school with here. I haven't been to many parties since I moved down here. Back at TCU I went to all of the theatre parties, but so far I've never really gotten into that down here. I don't know why. Part of it is just that for reasons I still haven't figured out I feel a lot older than everyone here (which is ridiculous considering I'm one of the baby grad students-only Amanda is younger-and a whole lot of the undergrads are actually older than I am). Part of it is that I haven't gotten involved in as many shows down here and as a result my circle of friends here has just remained very small and actually, I've really liked it that way.

But you know, I actually had a really good time last night. It was just a bunch of people drinking from a keg on someone's back porch. I mainly just went because Amanda and Alex had invited me so I knew I'd know at least two people there, and then I ended up running into some other people that had been in England with me and some other people that I know, and I met some friendly people and it was good.

And I don't know what it was about last night, but I definitely had an ego-boosting night. I don't even think that I was particularly looking my best, but I kept catching guys watching me from across the room. Like, enought that I was almost getting self conscious about it. At one point a guy was pushing past me to get to the keg and he actually stopped in his tracks and said, "Ooh, you're cute!" before continuing to the beer. I happen to know that said guy is gay, but still, to have someone stop dead in his tracks just to tell me I'm cute is pretty flattering. Then this one guy sort of latched on to me and was flirting with me and following me around the rest of the night and although he is too young for me and lives in Boston most of the time so I immediately had to rule him out as any sort of real prospect, I really enjoyed talking to him. (19 is too young, wouldn't you agree? I don't know why I'm so picky about dating younger guys, but I just have a really hard time envisioning myself with someone my brother's age...I don't rule the possibility out entirely but a younger guy would have to be really amazing for me to overlook the age difference, especially a guy so young he couldn't go to the bar with me). And then Amanda told me that one of her guy friends kept asking about me and wanting to talk to me, but I pretty much automatically rule out any guy who isn't brave enough to talk to me himself and needs to send a friend over like we're eleven years old (I'm a picky bitch, I know). And then there was another guy who I had a feeling was sort of feelin' me, but I tried my best to ignore any vibes coming from him because I know for a fact he's been having a fling-or maybe more than a fling-with a friend of mine and I am not about to get in the middle of that. It's a little awkward, actually. Because we exchanged numbers last night so that Amanda and I could coordinate a Taco Cabana run with him and his friends, and so now this evening he has been texting me. At first he just asked what was up, but then he sent me a message that said, "Sorry if I sounded rude when I was asking you about your boy toy last night. I wasn't trying to be an ass, I guess maybe I was just a little envious." (I guess by "boy toy" he meant the other guy that was following me around; I'm not totally sure). And then he pulled the "Well, holler at me if you ever get bored," card, and we all know what that means. So yeah. It's just kind of weird because, like I said, he's definitely been having a thing with a friend of mine. And maybe I'm reading way too much into this and he just enjoyed meeting me last night and wants us to hang out as friends, which I'd be all about, but I'm always doubtful that anything is that innocent. At any rate, I'll just feel bad if it does turn out that he sort of has a crush on me, because while I thought he was very friendly, I don't think I would be feelin' him even if my friend wasn't involved. So it would just be one sucky triangle all around.

I guess the stars were just aligned right last night, or I happened to have just the right amount of alcohol to make me seem bubbly and approachable, or pink is my color, or something.

I have to admit that even though it's just little stupid stuff it made me feel good. It's always reassuring to know that I've still got it, you know? Especially right now when I'm trying to force myself to be on the market in a very big way.

Party Animal

What is it with restaurant people?
Back when I was living in El Paso during the summers and working at my dad's restaurant (which feels like a million years ago now but really the last summer I worked there was only three years ago, just three) I would always get frustrated because I had a hard time getting close to my coworkers. I realize a large part of that was because I was the owner's daughter. The vast majority of bonding at work comes from bitching about the work environment--a fact that I realized during my college job at the performance hall, where I had absolutely no problem befriending my coworkers--and at my dad's restaurant people didn't really feel like they could let me in on all the bitching and moaning. Not that I ever would have been the mole and gone back to my dad about anything (other than something huge, like stealing) but they didn't realize that. Hell, I wouldn't have trusted me, either. I can't blame them.
The other reason I think I had trouble bonding with people at my first job was that they were all party people. Pretty much every conversation I remember about that job revolved around how hungover a particular person was, or how drunk so-and-so had been the night before, or whatever. And I could never really contribute to those conversations. At first during the first couple of summers it's because I really wasn't partying enough to talk about it. Then once I finished my crazy sophomore year of college and realized I had a much more healthy appetite for boozing (and occasional recreational drug use) than I originally thought, I got along much better with my coworkers but I still couldn't participate in those conversations because somehow for some reason that is just not something people talk about with me.
I guess it goes back to my looks. That sounds ridiculous, but I swear it's the truth. I look about five years younger than I actually am. On Wednesday someone at this new job asked me if I was about to start my freshman year at the college and when I told her I am actually a second-year graduate student she stared at me open-mouthed and then got all flustered and apologetic. The thing is, I don't mind mistakes like that. I especially don't mind them at work when I'm wearing very little make-up and have my hair pulled back. I'm well aware that the only time I actually look my age is when I'm dressed up to go out at night and even then I could still easily pass for 18 most of the time. Plus the older I get the more I realize I'd rather be mistaken for younger than my real age than older than my real age. So part of it is the way I look and part of it is just the attitude I project. That whole sweet and innocent image I somehow cultivated in high school just will. not. die. Once I get to know people they figure out that the sweetness is only a small facet of my personality and any innocence I had stopped existing about five years ago and really stopped existing sometime around winter of 2002-2003, but people meet me and regardless of what I do the first impression always seems to be some variation on sweet-and-innocent.
You all know this about me. I harp on it all the time. The thing is, it doesn't really bother me. It doesn't bother me because out of all of the first impressions I could be making, I'd rather be making the "nice, kind, sweet, good girl, friendly, cheerful" impression than the, "total bitch, whore, snobby, scary" impression.
But in situations like my old job it didn't really work in my favor. Because once people make the snap judgment that you're not a party girl it's very hard to convince them otherwise. And when the work culture revolves around post-work partying, that's going to make it hard to ever really fit in.

Especially if, like me, you're not REALLY a party girl. 'Cause that's the thing. I don't dislike partying. Some of the most fun nights of my life thus far have involved a keg, a pipe, losing track after the fourth shot, fooling around in the bathroom/coat room/elevator, and cops banging on the door at 2:30 in the morning. I consider a good night on 6th Street one that ends with eating a slice of street pizza while getting thrown out of the downtown Hilton. I've spent an entire week doing absolutely nothing but chugging from a beer bong by day and downing massive house drinks by night. 9 times out of 10 I'll say "Hell yes!" to getting another round of shots. I know that going to the river isn't really going to the river unless we have lots and lots of beer. So don't get me wrong, I really like a good party.
It's just not the only thing I like to do. I'd never consider myself a party girl. Even during spring and summer of my junior year, which was probably the heighth of my partying days so far (and will probably be the heighth of my partying days ever) I was still only hitting the Pub maybe 4 nights a week. I never drink by myself, not because I wouldn't, just because when I'm thinking of things to do "pour myself a drink" doesn't usually pop into my head. I definitely have never woken up in the morning, climbed out of bed, and immediately started drinking (except in Las Vegas and Padre which are complete anomalies and really don't even exist in the Real World). I am excited to get out of work/class every day, but not because that means it's now drinking time. Sure, hitting the bars sounds fun, but so does going to a movie, or going somewhere cool for dinner.

I enjoy a party or a night of bar hopping, but I enjoy dozens of other things equally. I don't spend my day wondering where my next drink is coming from.

So how does a girl like me answer the question, "So, do you party?"

Because I've already been asked that three different times at work. I'm telling you, I think it's a restaurant thing. Given, I only have one non-restaurant job to use as a basis for comparison. But at my non-restaurant job sure, we all went out drinking together after work sometimes and there were some people there that partied HARD, but I don't remember it being a constant topic of conversation. Maybe I always just pick the party people restaurants by accident and all restaurants aren't actually like this?

It's not a big deal. I like most of my coworkers so far and I've always viewed my jobs as the place where I work and not the place where I make friends anyway, but I would like to be able to mesh well with everyone and get along with my coworkers like I did at my previous performance hall job and not like the awkwardness that was my old restaurant job the first couple of years.

So how should I answer the question? "Yeah, I party...but I'm pretty sure it's nothing like the way YOU party."

Hodgepodge

So it has been three whole days and I haven't broken down and talked to Mike yet! Congratulate me, because I seriously didn't think I'd be brave enough to last even this long. But I'm staying strong. I've told myself that I need to wait at least a month, and I think if I can force myeslf to wait that long then it should be easy to just keep going. Or maybe at that point I can reassess and decide it's time for us to start communicating again, I don't know. I don't know how much time I need.
I still don't even know if this was the right decision at all. I was thinking about it last night and it suddenly dawned on me that he could die tomorrow and then I'd just be incredibly angry at myself for cutting someone I loved out of my life and not talking to him while I had the chance just because I wasn't strong enough to force myself to get over him while we were still talking. Ugh, that would be horrible! And then I start going down that path and I'm like, "Why would it really be so bad for us to continue talking? Now that I know for a fact that he really does just want to be friends and nothing more and we're never going to be able to have a relationship, there's nothing complicated anymore. I know exactly where we stand, period. So why can't we just be friends?" Which would be lovely except I need to make damn sure first that I really do know that it's over.
Plus it can't hurt for him to miss me a little bit, right? (I'm kidding, I'm kidding. The last thing I need is people inferring that this is just some kind of twisted game I'm playing.)

Anyway. I started my new job today. It seems okay, although it's not as organized as my past jobs have been. "Training" today was just following around the hostess, to-go person, bartender, and a server in half hour blocks, and then I got to go home. Nobody even bothered to do the most basic things, like show me a sheet with table numbers. I had to ask to be taught how to clock in. When I asked if I could keep the apron and notepad I'd been given the answer was, "Uh, I guess. That might actually belong to someone else, though, I don't know." And at one point I was rolling silverware with the to-go girl and I said, "So, is this your job, or my job, or the host's job, or what?" and she just gave me a blank look and said, "Well, we all try to get out of doing it, but if silverware is up and needs to be rolled you should be a good apple buddy and do it." I almost keeled over (and not just because she used the phrase "apple buddy" in what appeared to be seriousness). Yes, teamwork is important, but I'm already very wary of a place that doesn't have specifically assigned jobs. Of course everyone is going to try to avoid it if it's not someone's specific job!
In some ways I guess it's okay since a relaxed environment can be useful for certain things (getting time off, for example) but there's a difference between "relaxed" and "total mayhem" and I hope it's the former and not the latter. I'm also just glad I already have so much waitressing experience 'cause it doesn't appear that they do much training here. Oh well, if it sucks it sucks and I'll just quit in September. No big thing.

In other news, Cohen went to the vet today to have surgery to get the mystery lump removed from his mouth. The surgery went fine and he's back home with me already tonight, a little hoarse from the tube they had put down his throat but just fine other than that. They're sending the lump off to be tested and I should know in a couple of weeks if everything is okay or not. I really, really hope he's fine. I need that basset!

Alright, I'm off. I need to actually get some work done on my thesis project since my director called last week and insinuated he'd like to meet sometime this week and I suppose it would be wise to go into the meeting with a few images or SOMETHING other than the absolutely nothing I have done right now.

The End

I'm still alive.

This week in El Paso has been full of ups and downs. Great moments with my family and friends, great moments with Mike, I don't regret making this trip.

But things with Mike and I are over. We had literally a three day discussion. We'd switch to other topics but always come back to talking about us and ultimately I realized today that it's just never going to work. He just doesn't want what I want out of life. As much as we love each other, we just aren't heading in the same direction. For us to ever be together one of us would have to make a huge sacrifice. I'm not going to do it, and I would never expect him to, either. I don't want to be with someone who is with me just because he has settled for me. I deserve more than that. He deserves more than that, too.

So I did the hardest thing I've done in my life. I can't just be friends with him. All that shit with Jenny proved to me that I'm incapable of just being his friend. I hope that I don't feel like this forever, but for right now I just know that as long as he's in my life I'm going to be hopeful that he will come around and change his mind and realize that what we have is special and worth the commitment. And I just can't hope like that anymore. It's not healthy for me. I just can't keep letting myself get hurt like that.

I don't want him out of my life permanently. I still like to think that we'll be friends for life. I just need a break right now. A long enough break to where when I talk to him again I don't analyze everything wondering if he's going to be with me again. A long enough break so that I can be around him and just appreciate the friendship without wondering when and if it's going to become something more. I told him not to talk to me anymore, that I'll talk to him again when and if I'm ready. He said he's never going to stop trying to talk to me, but I know he will. I am very afraid that I won't be able to enjoy life without him in it, and even more afraid that both of us will find out that we're better off without each other.

I can't really talk about this, it upsets me too much.

I'm okay, I know I have to be strong and I know that I need to get over all of this and move on. I know that. I just really wish it didn't all have to be so hard, and I wish I was more convinced that this actually is the right choice.

What Am I Doing?

I realized I owe anyone who is actually interested an update on Cohen. By the time I took him to his vet appointment on Thursday his paw seemed to be better, and the vet said that he couldn't see or feel anything that should be causing him pain. I'm thinking it was just the dog equivalent of a twisted ankle, something that hurt for a couple of days but then healed on its own. I still haven't taken him on any long walks to be on the safe side, but it seems completely better. As for the mouth thing, the initial news seems to be good. The vet checked it out and said he thinks it's just a papilloma, which in a dog is a harmless virus, so that would be good. He still wants to remove it and have it sent to the lab and tested just to be on the safe side, though, and I agree. Much better to be safe than sorry. So on the 18th Cohen will be going back to the vet to have the surgery to have it removed. I'm still worried about him, but at least the vet's initial reaction was to assume it's nothing major.

In other news, I got a job yesterday!! Since my last paycheck from my school job was June 1st and I won't get another one until October 1st, and since I don't get my scholarship money until late August/early September, I really needed something to get me through the next couple of months. Honestly, I think I have just enough money in my account to get by until fall, but why struggle to get by on "just enough" when I can actually earn enough money to not have to stress if emergency expenses come up? Plus I may end up keeping this job through the school year, which would be great since it will let me save up some money (Which is important, considering I'm being completely pessimistic right now and currently anticipating No Employment No Options come next May). I may not end up being able to keep the job once school starts since it depends on how flexible they will be with me, and I'll almost certainly have to quit come December since I'll need three weeks off for all the Katy's wedding/Cassie's wedding/general holiday madness and I can't really see anyone being flexible enough to give me that much time off unless I end up being a really amazing employee between now and then (ha!) but for the time being at least I am employed at.....

Applebees.

Thrilling, I know. But it's a three minute drive from my apartment, it's also really close to campus, there are 24 servers so it seems like they'll be able to be pretty flexible about working around my school schedule and my other job once school starts, I should only have to work three to five shifts a week during the summer which is what I was hoping for, and even though I can't say that I love waiting tables I can say that I like having cash tips and I still think I'd rather wait tables than work retail. I have my first training shift a week from Tuesday, so we'll see how it goes.

In the meantime, tomorrow I am going home to El Paso for a week. I hope this doesn't end up being a terrible, horrible idea. Right before I left to England Mike broke up with Jenny (which I'm sure you inferred from my cryptic entry, but I can talk about it for real now since it's a done deal). Two weeks after that he moved into a new apartment with his friend Matt. I'm really excited for him and glad that he has his own place since I know it's something he has been wanting for a really long time.
Anyway, Mike and I immediately began flirting again. I'm not sure why he wanted it to start up again or why I let it start up again except that even though logically I know I shouldn't do it and can think of about a dozen compelling, logical reasons not to, I just can't seem to convince myself that any of those reasons not to are good enough reasons.
And then Mike told me that Matt was going out of town for two weeks and he had his apartment to himself, and I jokingly asked him if he was telling me that so that I could come stay with him and he said, "Well, you definitely could," and I asked him if he really wanted me to and he said he did and so I said okay, I'd come visit him.
And at first I was really excited. I'm sort of viewing this as damage control. More than anything I'd like to pretend the months from February to June didn't exist in terms of our friendship and I want to make sure that all the damage we did to each other can be repaired. And I figure the best way to do that is to actually spend time together and make sure it's all still okay. A sort of friendship intensive boot camp, if you will (yes, yes, calling it "friendship" is misleading as it is obviously a friendship that includes a lot of sex, but calling it a "relationship" is equally misleading. There is absolutely no good description for us).
But now I'm wondering if this whole thing is a terrible idea. He was all about me again a couple of weeks ago, but he's gotten distant in the past week and I know it's because he's starting to date someone else already. Not seriously or anything (YET) but he's definitely spending time with this girl. (I can always tell when he's interested in a new girl, always. He's so transparent about stuff like that).
And you know, that in and of itself is okay. I told him that when we talked on the phone this morning. As much as I would love for us to go back to the way things were in December, that's not going to happen. It's just not. I have to stop believing that Mike and I have any sort of romantic future together. (In bold, so maybe I'll actually listen to myself) For that to happen he'd have to fundamentally change all the life philosophies he's functioning on right now. Secretly (or not so secretly, I guess, since I'm typing it here), I still believe he will change his mind. I still believe that one day he'll wake up and realize-as Cassie put it when we had lunch together the other day while she was in town-that he doesn't want to be the fifty year old single guy that everyone shuffles around at holidays because they feel sorry for him. I think he'll especially realize this once his friends all start settling down. It seems like most guys eventually have the revelation that bachelorhood at 40 just isn't the thrilling thing it was at 24. But I don't have time to wait around for that to happen. I try to flatter myself that I have better things to do and will eventually meet someone else that connects with me in terms of goals for the future as well as physically and emotionally. 'Cause let's face it, you need all three of those things. All the emotional and physical connection in the world means nothing if the two of you don't want the same basic things out of life. Alternately, having the same sort of goals doesn't matter if you don't feel that emotional connection and physical spark. Right now Mike and I are only gelling on two of the three. And like I said, although I like to think that he's going to change his mind some day, I have no real reason to believe he will. I absolutely know that I'm not going to change my mind about wanting a family, so why should I believe that he's not equally adamant about NOT wanting a family?
Anyway, I know logically that it's stupid to pretend any longer that Mike and I have a relationship that will eventually go somewhere. He doesn't want it to go anywhere, so it won't. But I also don't see anything wrong with us doing what we'd been doing before: maintaing a sort of friends-with-privileges thing. As long as both of us are not in a position where there's someone else we want to get serious about, I figure we might as well. And now that I've been through him having a girlfriend, I know how I'd handle things differently next time around, that's for damn sure! I want to believe that we can maintain a casual relationship. The thing is, and I told him this this morning: if I'm gonna be a part of the rotation of women you're with, make me a part of the damn rotation!
I'm not opposed to that. It may sound bad, but I'm seriously not. The relationship I maintained for three years in college was like that the entire time: he was someone I slept with regularly, but we were not committed in any way, and we both dated and slept with other people while we were together but regardless of what else was going on in our lives we maintained our casual relationship. Yes, I eventually got tired of that relationship, but that was more getting tired of him and feeling like I was outgrowing him as a person than feeling like I was outgrowing that particular relationship format.
So to have that with Mike would be fine, good even. What doesn't work is him making me feel like I'm just an after thought, like I'm the last person he calls and he only does it because it's convenient to call me whenever there's not something more exciting going on in El Paso. I want to be given just as much respect as anyone that happens to live in the same city. I don't think that's too much to ask, all things considered.
He tells me not to worry about it, that I'm clearly not just a matter of convenience since I live 600 miles away and there's nothing convenient about that. And that I mean more to him than that, and he's not just using me. Just this morning he told me to stop questioning my value to him. And I want to believe that, that he values me still, but it's hard sometimes.

Mainly I just want to stop being weird and crazy about all this. That's one of the things he loved about me and one of the things I love most about myself: that I'm not one of those girls that gets all worked up and makes mountains out of molehills in relationships and friendships. So I really need to stop doing that right now.

Also, I really, really need to stop being a hypocrite. Because, honest truth? Were the tables turned, I'm not sure I'd be able to treat him with the sort of respect I demand for myself. So I really need to stop pretending that I'd be better than him because truthfully, I'm not sure I would.

I'm just afraid to hope that this could possibly be good, though, because look what happened last time I got hopeful.

Anyway, I need to go pack. Here's hoping that this actually ends up being as fun as I originally anticipated it would be and not a total disaster.

Senseless Worry Day Is My Least Favorite Day of the Year

Remember the time I went slightly insane one afternoon because I started seriously researching doctoral programs in dramaturgy on the internet and realized:

A) There are really only a little more than a dozen such programs in the country (that come up in a Google search, anyway, which is possibly not the most efficient way of doing this research, I know, I know, but it's a start).

B) More than a quarter of these programs are at schools like Yale or Columbia or Stanford and I shouldn't even try to delude myself into believing I could get accepted into any of those programs regardless of a 4.0 GPA and a good GRE score. I'm 23, have no real professional experience since I've been in school non-stop since I was 5, and have yet to publish a paper/present at a conference. I know what kind of credentials these programs are looking for, and they're not on my resume yet.

C) If I do opt to apply to some of these programs the majority of the applications are due December 15th, which seems pleasantly far in the future right now except that it's really not, especially when I have a major thesis project going for the next five months.

D) I have only a vague idea of how to go about finding the sort of job I want in theatre and the whole job search and networking process is daunting, to say the least. And I know I could always teach high school for a while but even searching for a high school job seems to be too much for me to handle.

E) No matter what happens I'm going to have to move somewhere other than here within the next year. There is absolutely nothing I can do here to advance my career once I finish school. And I really hate moving. And if by some miracle I do get into a doctoral program, the odds of me having to move to some crazy place like Iowa or Ohio or Massachusetts or California are very high. I can envision Massachusetts or California (not such crazy places, actually...or totally crazy, but in a sort of good way), but whenever I try to picture Iowa or Ohio I just draw a complete blank and can imagine nothing but farms and snow. I know there are other things in Iowa and Ohio...I hope there are other things in Iowa and Ohio if I'm even somewhat considering moving there...If I don't get into a doctoral program, then I really don't know what I'm going to do instead but I have a sinking feeling that at this time next year I'm going to be in some random temporary living arrangement in Austin or El Paso trying to get my act together and while I know that's a totally acceptable thing to do and the odds of moving seamlessly from one job to the next are pretty slim, I'm not too keen on unemployment.

F) Being in your early twenties kind of fundamentally sucks for people that like organized, planned lives, no matter how much fun may be had in the process.

Have you ever read The Time Traveler's Wife? I was late to jump on the bandwagon and just read it for the first time back in May, but I loved it. Amongst many other things it makes the point that time travel, especially time travel you can't control, isn't the awesomely fun thing you imagine it would be, but I fell in love with the idea of brief moments of time travel anyway. I would love more than anything to be able to see just five minutes of my life ten years from now. Where do I live? How am I making a living? Did I ever end up in a committed relationship or am I still single? Am I happy? At least contented?

Deep down I know everything is going to work itself out eventually and there's no point in stressing about it when there's really nothing I can do at the moment other than what I'm already doing, but I'd still like to know for a fact that it all works out okay.

Then again, maybe I'd find out that I'm miserable and depressed ten years from now. Or that I don't even exist ten years from now. Eeeee. I know that taking everything one day at a time is all I can do. But I still can't help freaking out like this about once every three months or so. It's just what I do.

100th Post!

Unfortunately this 100th post isn't going to be anything momentous.

My last day in England was a trial in public transportation. Liz, Amanda, Alex and I left our B&B at an ungodly hour of the morning on Friday, met Patricia, and caught the 6:45 train to London. I was looking forward to a two hour nap on the train, but we were thrown off three stops later for having the wrong tickets. All of us but Alex had bought these two-for-one tickets, and we'd bought them in person at the train station four days in advance and specifically asked the man that sold them to us not one, not two, but THREE times whether the tickets could be used for the 6:45 train. We kept asking because there was no time stamped on the train ticket, but he promised us they would be fine. Well, sure enough, they weren't. The guy that checks the tickets on the train told us we had to get off at the next stop and wait for an hour and a half. Only then could we get on a train to London, since the two-for-one tickets are only good during non-peak hours. We argued a lot with the guy and pointed out that we shouldn't be thrown off the train because it was the guy at the train station that screwed up, not us. But man, those Brits won't budge (and incidentally don't care a whole lot about customer service on the whole). Ultimately Alex (who was the only one of us with an actual valid ticket) gave his ticket to Patricia since she absolutely needed to get to London by 9:00 AM to catch her plane, and the rest of us got off and waited at some random small-town train station for the later train.
The only good thing about that was that Jen, John, the other Alex, and Chris all ended up at the same train station we did an hour later (they were on a later train and had to transfer) so we were able to spend the rest of the day together.
And the day itself was pretty good. We went to Covent Garden and I somehow managed to find Wagamama despite the fact that I'd never actually eaten at the Covent Garden Wagamama and had only walked past it a couple of times two whole years ago. We got off the tube and I just walked in the general direction that I remembered it being and I warned everybody that I had absolutely no real idea of where I was going and if they wanted to eat lunch any time in the next two hours they probably shouldn't follow me, but then I turned a corner and there it was! I was so proud of myself. And getting to have Wagamama for lunch just made my trip to England complete. I love those freakin' noodle bowls.
We got back on the tube after that and went to the Westminster stop and did all the touristy stuff: walked across the bridge and took pictures at the London Eye, took more pictures at Westminster and the House of Parliament, and walked over to Buckingham Palace. At Buckingham Palace we had Transportation Debacle Part II, when Liz got hit by a bicycle! Liz and I had been taking pictures at the fountain in front of the palace and if you've never been there you should know that there's this traffic circle in front of the palace and there's really no nice, easy way to cross the street to the palace gates so all sorts of idiot tourists (myself included) are darting in and out of traffic. So Liz goes to cross the street and I saw that there was a motorcycle and a bike coming but somehow she missed seeing them-how I don't know-and there was a crash and a shriek and Liz and the guy on the bike both crumpled to the ground in the middle of the traffic circle. And of course cars were still coming. And not being a clear-headed person in emergency situations, rather than attempting to pick Liz up and get her out of the traffic, I just kind of stood in front of her waving my arms and hoping the cars would stop or move over to a different lane. Which of course is a very smart way to handle things. I'm surprised we both weren't hit. Anyway, Liz and the guy on the bike both got up and sorted themselves out pretty quickly and everything was fine and it immediately became something stupid to laugh about, but it was scary there for a second. I'm just glad she was smart enough to choose the bicycle rather than the motorcycle.
After that all we wanted to do was get back to Paddington, where some of us had checked luggage earlier in the day so that we wouldn't have to cart it around all day. Plus Liz, Amanda, Alex and I needed to catch a Heathrow Express out to the airport so we could check into our hotel. It should have been easy. Go to Victoria, hope on the Circle Line, and we're there. Except that the Circle Line stopped running. So we got on the District Line and took that three stops, and then it stopped running too. All told three lines stopped running so we were forced to take a bus, which was just a nightmare because everyone that normally would have been on the tube was trying to cram on the buses. A journey that should have taken twenty minutes or less ended up taking 2 1/2 hours. UGH. It would have been so much faster just to walk except that I don't know that area of London very well and I would have gotten us hopelessly lost just wandering around.
So yeah. It was a hot, sweaty time on public transportation and while I still maintain that I'd rather ride a subway/bus/train than drive any day, when stuff like that happens it's damn frustrating.

My flight home to Texas the next day was uneventful. I slept on most of the 8 hour flight from London to Toronto, cleared Canadian and American customs, and then had an uneventful flight to Houston other than the fact that I was sitting by the most annoying person ever. I really think he must have been mentally challenged because he kept trying to talk to me, even when I was clearly and pointedly reading a book. So then I put my headphones on and pretended to be watching a movie (V for Vendetta...the parts I watched were crap) and he still continued to try to talk to me, pointing to things on his movie screen and trying to get me to watch the same movie he was watching. Finally I pretended to be asleep, but then he started actually poking me to wake me up to get me to talk to him! What the hell?!?! I was really pissed off but it's a plane, it's not like there was anywhere I could go. And he didn't seem dangerous, just stupid.
That night Chelsea picked me up at the airport and we had dinner in Houston with Matthew and his friend John and then I spent the night at Chelsea's house and was reunited with my animals. It was so great to see Cohen and Jose again, you have no idea. They're both even softer and sweeter than I was remembering them!

I'm very worried about Cohen, though. He has some sort of growth in his mouth that Chelsea pointed out to me. It looks like some sort of wart on his inner lip. I'm terrified that it's going to be cancer or something equally horrible. I'm trying to tell myself that it's probably just a viral infection but I'm still really scared and made him a vet appointment right away for as soon as possible. He's supposed to go on Thursday. Then today he woke up limping. He's favoring his left front foot and doesn't want to put any weight on it at all. The bottom of his paw is a little scraped up so I'm hoping that's the entire problem, just a little scratch. But I'm afraid that there is a more serious bone or muscle problem and the scrape is just from him licking at the paw so much because he's in pain. Poor baby. I really want to take him to the vet right now but it's the Fourth of July and I'd have to pay for emergency services and I don't think it's that much of an emergency. I don't think I really have the money to pay for that, either. I'm just going to make him take it easy and hopefully the paw at least will be better tomorrow and he can hold out until Thursday.

Anyway, Chelsea and I are celebrating together today, we're going swimming for a while and grilling burgers and we bought sparklers for later. I may see if anyone else wants to join us.

So yeah. I'm home and everything will be great if only Cohen was feeling better.

Also, I think I'm going to El Paso again next week. More about that later...