Numerology

Because I'm apparently not working anymore (thanks, idiot managers!) and classes don't start until Tuesday, and pretty much everyone exciting is out of town at the moment, I've had a lot of time to do lame things on the internet. Today's Lame Thing was doing one of those sample numerology reports. Here are the highlights:

My Life Path is 9 (whatever the heck that means):
"You probably feel responsible for keeping up the morality or spirit of mankind in some way, or even responsible for their very souls." Hmmm. Spirit, sure. Morality, not so much, unless you want to count the fact that I get very worked up about things like Flavor of Love and the lyrics of most current popular songs. But it's not so much that I'm worried about people's morality (because frankly, I could care less about how much you want to shake your moneymaker). It's not even that I dislike most of these songs and worry that they're corrupting the youth or whatever. It's just that I think people need to acknowledge that on some level it's all VERY degrading. And then everyong can feel free to enjoy them.
As many nines are also very artistic, this connection with the higher powers might also be expressed through a talent such as writing, music or painting. Well, that's fun. My artistic skills sure don't come in the form of painting, though, that's for sure.
At some point in your life you have probably sworn to yourself to make this world a better place. You are extremely compassionate and feel above the matters that you feel causes factions of society to be divided. You are very aware of feeling as insignificant as a grain of sand in the Universe and believe that materialism, prejudice and lust just don't matter in the long run. Hey, that's actually true.
You have a charismatic and very open personality that attracts you a lot of friends. You are very social, sometimes at the expense of your other responsibilities. Really? Sure, I have friends, but this seems to be implying social butterfly and that is wrong, wrong, wrong.
This triggers a period of time that lasts a few years that is often called the "dark night of the soul." It is usually during this period of your life that you find the extreme courage and strength to become what is called a wounded healer. Oh, GREAT. I can't wait for this to happen.
As you are naturally very lonely and insecure, you are particularly vulnerable to joining a cult or becoming fanatical in the religious sense. Hahahaha. This is one of my favorite parts, because I think we can safely say that in any given group of people I'd probably be voted LEAST likely to become a religious fanatic or join a cult. Also, doesn't this directly contradict the part about being charismatic and having lots of friends? Shockingly, I'm beginning to think this whole reading is a sham.

Now onto my "Expression Number", which is 3, apparently. This is supposed to tell me my Potential Natural Talents and Abilities:
You are at the height of your self-expression when you feel that others are experiencing "being high on life" like you are. One of your personal goals may be to uplift humanity or spread joy or enthusiasm wherever you go. You know how to unite others through the magic of performance, song dance, singing, acting or literature. For this reason, you are fated to entertain others in some way, whether you are in showbiz or not! Well, alright. I like that.
You consider the accumulation of experiences to be your greatest wealth so you may choose a career in which you travel a lot so you can meet as many people and encounter as many different kinds of situations as possible. Wow, Numerology Report, you're right! I'm sorry I called you a sham, I was just kidding!
You often speak in full paragraphs and are a captivating storyteller. Or, you know, I bore the hell out of and/or overwhelm people and they just want me to shut up already. Ask my brother, his favorite thing to tell me is, "You talk to much" (this is coming from Shane, however, who doesn't really speak in complete sentences most of the time...in fact, he mostly just speaks in sound effects)
For this reason many of you make incredible actors, opera singers, teachers or performers. [This has nothing to do with anything, but am I supposed to care that Donald Trump and Rosie O'Donnell are in some kind of feud? Because the TV and the Internet won't shut up about it.]
Threes are often blessed with a natural sense of comic timing as well as rhythm. This makes you an excellent dancer and lover. Thanks, Numerology Report! I'm liking you more and more all the time!
You love philosophy and the old cliches that are true in life so when you feel lost emotionally you rely on wise words to get you through. You rarely take anything that happens to you in life personally, a trait that frustrates your enemies to no end. This ability to let stuff "roll off your back" serves you well in the many complex emotional situations that threes often get into. That's actually true, too. Well, most of the time. Nobody's a duck in the rain all of the time.

Finally, there's my Soul Urge number, which is a 4. What is a "soul urge"? I have no idea:
Your soul craves stability, beauty and order. You are continually distressed by the natural chaos that often describes life and your own life may be entirely devoted to restoring things to balance. That's just a kind way of saying I'm a hyper-organized neat freak. Which is completely, entirely true.
You are decisive, thorough and intolerant by nature and nothing disturbs you more than a messy room, undone dishes or unclipped grass. Your spirit often moves you to accomplish ten times as much as most people would in a day as you set about combating decay and dirt. Am I sensing a theme here?
Life often has you feeling powerless so controlling the little details makes you feel more emotionally secure. Unfortunately this tendency can extend to trying to control the behavior of your family, friends and coworkers. This earns you a reputation for being stern, pushy and stubborn. Alright, Report, chill. I know, I know.
You secretly resent people who seem to be unconventional or free thinkers as you consider yourself to be among the ones that work very hard to keep the fabric of society stitched together. As your own self-esteem is gauged by how hard you work you have absolutely zero tolerance for those who seem intent on questioning or destroying the values that you have slaved so hard to maintain. This is also kind of true, actually.
You need to remember that you have the capability to traumatize a person for life. This is a valuable skill when it comes to protecting your territory or setting boundaries but it is not healthy for your children or your spouse. I have the capability to TRAUMATIZE A PERSON FOR LIFE. That's...amazing! I realize this is supposed to be a warning, but actually, it just sounds really cool.
When you are in a sunny mood there is nobody more delightful to be with you. Love radiates from you like the light of the sun and your life is full of love and laughter. You are a respected member of the community and others seek out your approval and advice. Awwww.

Love radiates from me like the sun, and I'm capable of traumatizing people for life. I'd say that's a pretty well-balanced personality, wouldn't you?