Why yes, I did have a birthday today.
I'm 24 now. Do you realize that 24 is only SIX YEARS away from 30? I got my new drivers license in the mail and when I saw that it expires in 2012 and I realized that I'll be THIRTY in 2012, I had a moment. It's not that I'm worried about 30, exactly. Age is just a number, blah, blah, blah, and honestly, 30 doesn't sound too terribly old to me (not when I can look at my parents, who just turned 50 and are busy running off to Las Vegas five times a year and have greater drinking stamina than I do). It's just that I can so clearly and vividly remember getting my last drivers license six years ago. I was a senior in high school so I went to the DPS before school that morning. It was the day of the Celebrity Waiters Luncheon, this charity event I used to volunteer at every year to get an excused day off from school, and I remember standing with a group of my friends getting ready to carpool over to the luncheon and saying, "Wow, this doesn't expire until 2006! I'll be 24 then!!" And because I was 18, 24 was this impossibly old age, and I never imagined how quickly the time would pass.
But now I know better, and I know I'll be turning 30 like, tomorrow. And that's weird.
It's also weird because my parents got married at 24. Not that I ever imagined I would be married at 24, or even thought I wanted to be married at 24. In fact, I had a whole conversation with my dad today about how crazy he and mom were for getting married so young. But the honest truth is that I also didn't imagine that I'd still be completely single at 24. I want to get married eventually, and I want kids (I know, how many times do you all have to listen to me blab about this?). Because of the whole wanting kids thing, in an ideal world I'd like to get married before I'm 30. Especially because I want kids (plural) and I realize that kids plural is much less likely if you don't even start trying until you're in your mid thirties. I know I have a lot of options for becoming a mother even if I don't get married by 30. I also know that there's a good possibility I have nothing to worry about and when I'm 30 with a crying baby and a cheating husband and I hate my life, you'll all say "Remember how much you thought you wanted this, and how you thought it would never happen!? Haha!" But admit it, at some point in your life you daydreamed an ideal life for yourself. And my ideal daydream involved marriage by 26 or 27. And now that I'm 24 and still very much single, I don't see that happening. I don't see myself suddenly becoming the type of person that can meet a guy and progress to marriage all within the course of just a year or two, and since I'm not that kind of person, my little ideal life schedule is no longer a feasible daydream.
I guess that's what it all boils down to, ultimately. My little "professional career woman settling down to take a few years off and raise a family by thirty" daydream isn't really something that is likely to happen anymore, so I'm having to reconfigure a lot of my dreams.
And that reconfiguring isn't a bad thing, actually. I've spent a lot of time over the past several months imagining things I could do with myself if I do in fact end up Single For Life, and my ideal single life daydream can make me pretty happy, too. The hard thing is that I would like to believe that my ideal single life daydream can be the same thing as my ideal married life daydream if I happen upon the right person, so it's hard to feel like anything I imagine myself doing as a Single For Life isn't settling for second best, somehow. It feels like anything I can do by myself would be even better if I wasn't by myself, you know?
And I hate that I feel that way. I hate it for a lot of reasons. A number 1, I hate it because it's illogical. I look around me and can see that out of all of my friends who are coupled up (and that's the majority of them right now) there are maybe only 2 couples that have the really good, strong, happy relationship that I'd like to have for myself. So I know it's illogical to believe that any relationship in my future is going to make me perfectly happy when probably 90% of the couples I know do not have great relationships. What's the likelihood that any relationship I have would be any different? So why do I persist in feeling like having a committed relationship could make me any happier than I am right now? Statistically, it's more likely to just add a lot of complications, right?
B number 2, the feminist in me HATES IT. A lot of my thesis project has ended up focused on the sexual revolution and the women's liberation movement, and while a lot of the more radical stuff just makes me want to say, "Whoa, chill," I read all these inspiring essays and articles and I'm left wondering what all that passion and rallying and revolution in the 60s was all about if 40 years later I'm sitting on my couch an intelligent, self-sufficient, creative, successful, sexually confident woman knowing exactly how strong and capable I am of being on my own but still whining about how I'm 24 with no prospects for marriage. I mean, what the fuck is that?
I get angry at myself for buying into the marriage hype. I can try to justify it by saying that the need I feel to be with someone and have a baby is a physical need, a primal need, so deep inside of me that I can't remember a time in my life when I didn't feel it. But that need didn't get there by itself. Do you think nature can really be that strong? Because I don't. I know that my "need" is at least half the fault of society, and if we all lived in Transsexual Transylvania or some such place I'd only be worrying about which guy I should sleep with tonight and whether or not I'd look hotter in the black corset or silver sparkly fishnets. That's a silly example, I know, but it's also true.
I guess I just can't shake the marriage dream because there's always the chance I could get lucky. That I could in fact somehow be one of the blessed people that finds someone on this planet that enhances my good points, accepts my bad points, and let's me do the same for him.
But I want to shake that dream. I do. I want to shed the part of me that thinks of marriage and family as the best option and instead I want to see it as just one of many equally terrific options, possibly not even as terrific an option as some of the others. I want to be cool enough to think like that. I'm going to keep working on it, anyway. Do a little mental and emotional deprogramming this year. Yeah. That sounds healthy. And I think it would be beneficial even if my future does end up containing marriage and family anyway.
Anyway. I'm looking forward to 24. I felt some trepidation about being 23. I remember telling Kymberli how 23 is one of my scary years. There's something about the 2 and 3 combination that I don't like. I tried to psych myself up last year but frankly, I was getting a bad vibe from 23 right from the start. And maybe it was a self-fulfilling prophecy, but this has been the first year of my life that wasn't better than or at least as good as the year before. Careerwise I've had a great year. I feel smart and successful right now and that's a good feeling (and a feeling I'm going to enjoy for the next six months because after that who the hell knows what is going to happen). Socially, it has been a pretty good year, too. It started out kind of slowly and for the majority of last winter and early spring I still felt like my best friends were elsewhere and Austin was just full of acquaintances for the most part (before you even say anything, Matthew, you were an exception!). But I finally got really close to some people here over the summer, and then this school year started and brought the new wave of grad students and now I once again feel like I have an awesome core group of friends, friends that know my favorite sex position and the meanest thing I've ever done in my life. You know, things all close friends should know about one another. Haha. So career and money=great, social life=good with a last minute upswing to awesome, but my love life has been pretty damn sucky for most of the year. It started out as confusing, was perfect for about a month (honestly, only about a month...that's all it was...funny how one perfect month can then proceed to screw up the entire rest of the damn year) and then it was just sort of a mess. I'm out of the messy part now, but obviously I'm still figuring things out and ready for a clean start. Here's hoping 24 has that in store.
I feel better about 24 than I did about 23, anyway. Now it just needs to be 2007 because I don't know about you guys, but it seems like 2006 has been a rough year for the majority of people I know. Lots of transitions, lots of sad things. It's gettin' to be clean slate time, don't you think?
So yeah! 24 in 2007! 24/7! Hey, look at that! That's promising. My life is about to take on the characteristics of a convenience store!
And no, my birthday did not totally get lost in all the business this weekend. Rocky opens on Tuesday so I did have to spend the majority of my actual birthday working on my lobby display and watching the dress rehearsal (and oh. my. god. The costumes for this show! They are incredible. We had a guest costume designer and he did some beautiful, crazy things. I was drooling over practically every costume on that stage tonight. I feel inspired to try to make something crazy/gorgeous/slutty and wear it for box office managing on opening night, although in actuality I'll probably chicken out and draw the line at fishnets and hooker boots). But on Friday night Mandi threw a birthday party for me and her boyfriend Jason (we share a birthday). We went barhopping and then back to her house where Richie and I attempted to consume our weight in Jello shots, and Debbie and Mandi did some booty dancing, amongst other things. It was a fun party, and Chelsea and Shane are taking me out for dinner sometime this week, which is very nice of them. So there have been fun birthday celebrations. And the happy birthday phone calls today were interesting, mainly because a couple of people I was positive would remember it was my birthday seemingly almost forgot it, and people I never expected to hear from and hadn't actually heard from in a long time called to say happy birthday. Go figure. In the end I did in fact hear from everyone I feel I "should have", though, plus a few others. So that's fun. I feel loved!
Also, I keep forgetting this fact, but I'm going to Ohio on Thursday for that conference. I won't be back until Sunday and even though I'll have my computer with me I'm kind of doubting I'll have the time or inclination to update this thing. And there's no way I'm updating before Ohio because with Rocky opening this week I don't even think I'll be sleeping, let alone writing.
So expect an update next week, probably something about how this Texan froze her ass off and totally botched her conference panel.
Peace.
Sunday, November 05, 2006
Saturday, October 28, 2006
More Teasing, Still No Posting
So I was going to sit down tonight to write about everything that has been going on in my life lately but then I realized I'm just way too tired. That and I somehow just killed three hours of my life catching up on e-mail and posting pictures and while that was stuff I needed to do, I can't believe how long it took me to catch up on all of it and I just can't justify spending any more time on the internet tonight. Not when I have actual homework to do. I mean, it's not like I'm going to actually do homework on a Saturday night, either, but I could at least go to sleep a couple of hours earlier than normal so that I can stay up later and do more homework tomorrow without needing a nap.
Rocky opens a week from Tuesday and I'm absolutely nowhere near where I need to be for that project, surprise surprise. Procrastinating has served me well my entire life, why start making things easier on myself now? My work on Kelly's show is over, but it doesn't matter because I really need to start working on school applications NOW so one project has just replaced another, and I think I bombed a test on Thursday night because I rushed the last of the three essays so that I could finish the test in time to go see a show and drink margaritas with some of the other grads. At the time I didn't care, but now that a couple of days have gone by I'm thinking that, hmmm, maybe sacrificing twenty points of my test score for a margarita wasn't the wisest idea. I can only hope that it's more like ten points instead of twenty and that the fact that everyone else except for two people had already finished the test before me (which is why I was rushing in the first place) means that they didn't write fabulously detailed answers, either.
So, uh, school is...yeah.
I went out three nights in a row this week and was drinking on two of them, which is not my standard operating mode anymore, so I think that's maybe why I'm feeling extra tired tonight. The fact that I even consider two nights in a row of drinking as a big deal is kind of sad to me. Or maybe I'm supposed to be proud of myself that I'm not boozing four or five nights a week anymore? The fact of the matter is that my overall level of productivity seems to be about the same whether I'm drinking four nights a week or half that much, so I don't know what that says about me. It was a fun week, and I'm glad everyone in my life has a little more time to hang out these days outside of the academic setting, but next week I'm putting myself under house arrest. For real this time.
I still have so many other things I'd really like to get around to talking about eventually. Here's a preview of some things I may or may not ever actually write about:
-The party and the Stones concert in El Paso that I still haven't talked about but really should because that's actually something somewhat exciting and out of the ordinary and surely that would be more interesting than another I'm So Busy entry
-Cohen's painting skills at our trip to Pet Fest today
-My current stand on the Mike situation (incidentally, don't even get me started on why after eight months there's still even something I think about as the "Mike situation" in the first place because Jesus, shouldn't we have a handle on this by now?!), or the sort-of-flattering-sort-of-sad text messages I'm once again getting from The Ex Who Shall Not Be Named, or the confusing mixed messages I am occasionally getting from a friend, or all the 18 year olds that have crushes on me (why?!), or something, ANYTHING remotely interesting involving a guy
-Thanksgiving plans, as this is the first year of my life that I'm not going home for Thanksgiving and I can't decide what to do with myself
-Thoughts on my upcoming 24th birthday (soon, too soon)
Rocky opens a week from Tuesday and I'm absolutely nowhere near where I need to be for that project, surprise surprise. Procrastinating has served me well my entire life, why start making things easier on myself now? My work on Kelly's show is over, but it doesn't matter because I really need to start working on school applications NOW so one project has just replaced another, and I think I bombed a test on Thursday night because I rushed the last of the three essays so that I could finish the test in time to go see a show and drink margaritas with some of the other grads. At the time I didn't care, but now that a couple of days have gone by I'm thinking that, hmmm, maybe sacrificing twenty points of my test score for a margarita wasn't the wisest idea. I can only hope that it's more like ten points instead of twenty and that the fact that everyone else except for two people had already finished the test before me (which is why I was rushing in the first place) means that they didn't write fabulously detailed answers, either.
So, uh, school is...yeah.
I went out three nights in a row this week and was drinking on two of them, which is not my standard operating mode anymore, so I think that's maybe why I'm feeling extra tired tonight. The fact that I even consider two nights in a row of drinking as a big deal is kind of sad to me. Or maybe I'm supposed to be proud of myself that I'm not boozing four or five nights a week anymore? The fact of the matter is that my overall level of productivity seems to be about the same whether I'm drinking four nights a week or half that much, so I don't know what that says about me. It was a fun week, and I'm glad everyone in my life has a little more time to hang out these days outside of the academic setting, but next week I'm putting myself under house arrest. For real this time.
I still have so many other things I'd really like to get around to talking about eventually. Here's a preview of some things I may or may not ever actually write about:
-The party and the Stones concert in El Paso that I still haven't talked about but really should because that's actually something somewhat exciting and out of the ordinary and surely that would be more interesting than another I'm So Busy entry
-Cohen's painting skills at our trip to Pet Fest today
-My current stand on the Mike situation (incidentally, don't even get me started on why after eight months there's still even something I think about as the "Mike situation" in the first place because Jesus, shouldn't we have a handle on this by now?!), or the sort-of-flattering-sort-of-sad text messages I'm once again getting from The Ex Who Shall Not Be Named, or the confusing mixed messages I am occasionally getting from a friend, or all the 18 year olds that have crushes on me (why?!), or something, ANYTHING remotely interesting involving a guy
-Thanksgiving plans, as this is the first year of my life that I'm not going home for Thanksgiving and I can't decide what to do with myself
-Thoughts on my upcoming 24th birthday (soon, too soon)
Monday, October 23, 2006
The Not-an-Update Update
So, I have a whole lot to say about my trip to El Paso. I have too much to say, in fact, and I have no idea when I'm going to get the chance to do a real bloggity update.
The basic summary is the Rolling Stones were incredibly awesome, the party was incredibly ridiculous and fun, I got to see Cassie and can't wait for her wedding,and things with Mike continue to be complicated in both good and bad ways.
I might be hiding out until Rocky starts on November 7th because I need to focus on all my dramaturgy work, so if I'm not around much until next month, well, I'm sure you don't actually care all that much. And if you do, you'll live.
Also, you should be jealous right now because I have the world's best tuxedo cat snuggled up on my lap and the world's best basset hound curled up beside me with his head on the cat. Said basset hound almost passed his Canine Good Citizen test today. He didn't quite pass because he still needs some work on proper leash walking, but I'm trying to get into another CGC class so we can try again in December. I'm very proud of him for coming so close to passing, anyway.
The basic summary is the Rolling Stones were incredibly awesome, the party was incredibly ridiculous and fun, I got to see Cassie and can't wait for her wedding,and things with Mike continue to be complicated in both good and bad ways.
I might be hiding out until Rocky starts on November 7th because I need to focus on all my dramaturgy work, so if I'm not around much until next month, well, I'm sure you don't actually care all that much. And if you do, you'll live.
Also, you should be jealous right now because I have the world's best tuxedo cat snuggled up on my lap and the world's best basset hound curled up beside me with his head on the cat. Said basset hound almost passed his Canine Good Citizen test today. He didn't quite pass because he still needs some work on proper leash walking, but I'm trying to get into another CGC class so we can try again in December. I'm very proud of him for coming so close to passing, anyway.
Tuesday, October 17, 2006
Possibilities and Off to El Paso
Guess what I'm doing the rest of today, and for most of the day tomorrow?
Absolutely nothing!!
It feels incredibly weird to have nothing to do right now, after weeks of always doing something or taking breaks to be a bum but feeling vaguely guilty for doing so because all the stuff I needed to be working on was still at the back of my mind.
Today, though, there's literally nothing I need to be doing. Everything is temporarily under control in the box office (and the department secretary is out of town this week and since she's really the person I work with most directly, there's no one around to actually pay attention to whether or not I'm doing my job anyway). Shockingly, everything is temporarily under control with my thesis project as well. I turned in my official proposal last week and it's being reviewed right now. I should hear back on it by the end of the week but I have no reason to believe it won't be approved. As for actually working on the show, I'm feeling good about everything. I wrote the press release over the weekend and helped the director with the program notes, which are two of my most important, these-two-items-are-absolute-necessities jobs. I have a whole bunch of ideas for my lobby display, and while I do need to start putting that together, there's no reason it can't wait until after my trip to El Paso. And this morning I gave my lecture in the Dramatic Theory class. I thought it went...okay. It wasn't fabulous, mainly because I was still prepping my lecture right up until 9:00 this morning, so there wasn't really time to practice the lecture and I just sort of went in and winged it. All things considered, though, it was good. The class actually answered questions and participated in discussion, I felt at-ease for the most part, and I got quite a few laughs. Considering the fact that I don't actually think I'm a very funny person, it's amazing how much stock I place in the ability to make my students laugh. Maybe it's because my favorite professors were always the ones that could make me laugh. My second-favorite professors have always been the ones that made me feel like an equal and kept a conversational style in their lectures, and thankfully I think that's one of my strengths (and also one of the reasons I'm better suited to teaching college than high school, I'll admit--high school teaching doesn't always lend itself very well to seminar-style teaching, although I really wish it did). So anyway, the lecture went well, and the important thing is IT'S OVER! That means the whole stupid TA class is over. Now that Mandi's show is over, too, I just have my thesis and my Thursday night class to focus on, so that's good.
The other really productive thing I've done is narrow down the doctoral program search. I've decided to fill out applications for five or six schools. None of them are in Texas. I don't know why I keep getting hung up on that because while I do enjoy Texas I never intended to spend my entire life living here anyway. Plus it's not like I didn't already leave home in a very big way and have some sense of culture shock when I moved from El Paso to east/central Texas in the first place. That's certainly equivalent to an out-of-state move. A full day's drive from home is definitely out-of-state in most parts of the country. But yeah. If any of these options work out, I won't be a Texas resident by this time next year. It's a weird thought. Of course, this is assuming any of these options end up working out in my favor, and that's a pretty big assumption.
So what have I narrowed it down to? Well, there are the major, major long shots. One of them is an Ivy League school with an extremely prestigious and competitive theatre department (and it's not Harvard, so hmmm, what could I possibly be talking about?). When I say "long shot", that's pretty much the understatement of the year. I just got a pep talk from a friend about how I shouldn't be negative about my chances but as far as this particular school is concerned, I'm not being negative, I'm just being realistic. This is maybe for the best, though, as I think my grandfather would have a heart attack if I did get accepted at this particular school. He keeps forgetting that his beloved Princeton doesn't have much of a theatre option. Anyway, the same thing goes for long shot number two, an almost-equally-prestigious school in northern California. It'd be nice, but I'm not gonna hold my breath. Plus I don't know how I'd afford it.
I think I'm heading into this application process with a decent resume. My grades couldn't be better (3.9 as an undergrad and a perfect 4.0 in my current program that I don't plan to lose between now and January). Although I think I could get a better GRE score if I took it again today, the GRE score I earned my senior year of college is acceptable and meets the minimum required for all of the programs I've researched. (I have a verbal score that I think is pretty impressive and a math score that I think is average at best, but since when do theatre people do intensive math?) I haven't done much (read: any) professional theatre work, but I've done a lot of college theatre work both at TCU and here. And my work is varied. I have experience directing and ADing, stage managing, and I think I'll have more dramaturgy work on my resume than most people. I've even done some acting. I've done two study abroad programs, one of which has given me the opportunity to name-drop some pretty high caliber names on my resume. I'll have presented a paper at a national conference (a small one, but national nonetheless). I have a minor in secondary education and have teaching experience, which should be a big plus. And my work has a lot of variety. The fact that I've dramaturged both The Rover and The Rocky Horror Show should be kind of intriguing, I think.
So yeah, I am going into this with some good things. I'm also going into this with some pretty notable deficits. The lack of "real world" experience is a big one. The fact that I'm only (almost) 24 is another. And there's the whole foreign language thing. I think I can honestly say that I have a "working knowledge" of Spanish, but I'm not sure what exactly "working knowledge" means. Plus Spanish isn't really the language of choice for theatre studies. French or German would have been the smart choices, but I picked Spanish when I was 12 years old and hey, it seemed like a good decision at the time.
So yes, I'm going to apply to the longshot schools. I mean, why not? The fact that my advisors don't think it would be a total waste of time to fill out the applications makes me proud. And I feel like I owe it to them to at least try. The worst case scenario is that I'm out the super-expensive application fee and they tell me, "Sorry, not this year." But if I don't try I'll never know and yeah, I'll probably always wonder. Plus I'd rather apply to as many schools as possible in one go. Once you've filled out one application you've pretty much filled out them all, so it would be stupid not to give myself as many chances as possible, even the not-really-a-chance chances.
So now you probably want to know where I think I do have a chance. Well, to be perfectly honest I'm scared that right now I don't have a chance anywhere and I'm going to have to get more experience somewhere and try again in a few years. And that's not the end of the world, I know. But there are four other schools I will be applying to this winter that might actually consider my application. I don't want to get too detailed because...I don't really know. I just don't. On the off-chance that I do get into one of these schools and move in the next year, I'd like to be able to retain some degree of online anonymity. Paranoid much? But yeah. Anyway. One is in Ohio (not the college I'll be speaking at next month, but maybe I'll at least be able to get a small feel for that part of the country), one is in Minnesota, one is in Maryland, and the other is another California school, this one in southern California (waaaay southern California).
So there are my options. I may still add one or two more, depending on if I turn up anything else interesting and to up my odds. But for now it seems as though before the end of next year, if I get lucky, I'll be in California, New England, Maryland, Ohio, or Minnesota. Talk about variety. Of course, I probably won't actually have to choose. I'll be lucky to just get one of those options, ya know? Still, I suppose I could be happy in any of those places. I can't really envision myself living in any of those places, but I can't envision myself staying here, either. I like the Austin area, I like it more than any other place I've ever lived, but there's just not much else I can do here for now. The truth is, I can't think much further than January. But I'll see what happens.
Or, you know, I'll still be here in Texas, bartending and wondering what the heck I'm going to do with my life.
The possibilities are endless!!
Oh, by the way, I'm off to El Paso tomorrow for Drunken Craziness With Everyone I've Ever Known in El Paso, Including Old High School Teachers and Probably the Mailman. This event is also known as My Parents' Huge Birthday Bash. My parents both turn 50 this month (Dad already had his birthday and Mom's is at the end of the month) so tomorrow they're shutting down my dad's bar for the night and throwing themselves a big party. I think it's going to be ridiculous. People are flying in from out of town, and I think my parents invited every single person they've ever met in El Paso. It's going to be open bar all night long. I'm pretty sure there's going to be a live band, and probably karaoke (my mom and her girlfriends love to get everyone drunk and make them do karaoke; the last time I went to karaoke with my mom I got so drunk I kissed my mom's best friend's son whom I've known since I was six weeks old,and while it was totally his idea and our mothers were thrilled, I'm not planning a repeat performance). My dad has rented a limo for the sole purpose of chauffering drunk people home. Oh, and for picking my siblings and I up at the airport tomorrow evening since we don't get home until 5:30 and my parents will apparently be too busy primping by that point to pick us up at the airport. The El Paso airport is not the sort of airport where people generally get picked up by limo services, so we get to be those pretentious assholes. Grand. Still, I'm excited. At the very least I'm bound to get a good story or two out of the evening, if I can remember much of it. Because hey, it's open bar and there's a limo to drive me home, you'd better believe I'm going to drink a stupid amount of alcohol! You should probably call me tomorrow night, I bet I'll be amusing.
And then on Friday we're seeing Dave Matthews Band and THE ROLLING STONES. Eeeeee! So exciting!!!
And one of the best parts is that when I told one of my professors today that I was going out of town, instead of being concerned she just said, "It's probably a very good idea for you to take a few days off right now. You know, step back and assess everything from a distance so you don't get overwhelmed." And the department chair said, "Have fun! Don't worry about anything, we've got it under control!" So not only do I get to skip class and work for the rest of the week, I'm doing it with the blessing of the department. Sweet.
Anyway, I'm off to waste the rest of the afternoon. A friend suggested eating cookies and masturbating, but I think I'm leaning towards more Grey's Anatomy and a nap. At least for now...Ha.
Absolutely nothing!!
It feels incredibly weird to have nothing to do right now, after weeks of always doing something or taking breaks to be a bum but feeling vaguely guilty for doing so because all the stuff I needed to be working on was still at the back of my mind.
Today, though, there's literally nothing I need to be doing. Everything is temporarily under control in the box office (and the department secretary is out of town this week and since she's really the person I work with most directly, there's no one around to actually pay attention to whether or not I'm doing my job anyway). Shockingly, everything is temporarily under control with my thesis project as well. I turned in my official proposal last week and it's being reviewed right now. I should hear back on it by the end of the week but I have no reason to believe it won't be approved. As for actually working on the show, I'm feeling good about everything. I wrote the press release over the weekend and helped the director with the program notes, which are two of my most important, these-two-items-are-absolute-necessities jobs. I have a whole bunch of ideas for my lobby display, and while I do need to start putting that together, there's no reason it can't wait until after my trip to El Paso. And this morning I gave my lecture in the Dramatic Theory class. I thought it went...okay. It wasn't fabulous, mainly because I was still prepping my lecture right up until 9:00 this morning, so there wasn't really time to practice the lecture and I just sort of went in and winged it. All things considered, though, it was good. The class actually answered questions and participated in discussion, I felt at-ease for the most part, and I got quite a few laughs. Considering the fact that I don't actually think I'm a very funny person, it's amazing how much stock I place in the ability to make my students laugh. Maybe it's because my favorite professors were always the ones that could make me laugh. My second-favorite professors have always been the ones that made me feel like an equal and kept a conversational style in their lectures, and thankfully I think that's one of my strengths (and also one of the reasons I'm better suited to teaching college than high school, I'll admit--high school teaching doesn't always lend itself very well to seminar-style teaching, although I really wish it did). So anyway, the lecture went well, and the important thing is IT'S OVER! That means the whole stupid TA class is over. Now that Mandi's show is over, too, I just have my thesis and my Thursday night class to focus on, so that's good.
The other really productive thing I've done is narrow down the doctoral program search. I've decided to fill out applications for five or six schools. None of them are in Texas. I don't know why I keep getting hung up on that because while I do enjoy Texas I never intended to spend my entire life living here anyway. Plus it's not like I didn't already leave home in a very big way and have some sense of culture shock when I moved from El Paso to east/central Texas in the first place. That's certainly equivalent to an out-of-state move. A full day's drive from home is definitely out-of-state in most parts of the country. But yeah. If any of these options work out, I won't be a Texas resident by this time next year. It's a weird thought. Of course, this is assuming any of these options end up working out in my favor, and that's a pretty big assumption.
So what have I narrowed it down to? Well, there are the major, major long shots. One of them is an Ivy League school with an extremely prestigious and competitive theatre department (and it's not Harvard, so hmmm, what could I possibly be talking about?). When I say "long shot", that's pretty much the understatement of the year. I just got a pep talk from a friend about how I shouldn't be negative about my chances but as far as this particular school is concerned, I'm not being negative, I'm just being realistic. This is maybe for the best, though, as I think my grandfather would have a heart attack if I did get accepted at this particular school. He keeps forgetting that his beloved Princeton doesn't have much of a theatre option. Anyway, the same thing goes for long shot number two, an almost-equally-prestigious school in northern California. It'd be nice, but I'm not gonna hold my breath. Plus I don't know how I'd afford it.
I think I'm heading into this application process with a decent resume. My grades couldn't be better (3.9 as an undergrad and a perfect 4.0 in my current program that I don't plan to lose between now and January). Although I think I could get a better GRE score if I took it again today, the GRE score I earned my senior year of college is acceptable and meets the minimum required for all of the programs I've researched. (I have a verbal score that I think is pretty impressive and a math score that I think is average at best, but since when do theatre people do intensive math?) I haven't done much (read: any) professional theatre work, but I've done a lot of college theatre work both at TCU and here. And my work is varied. I have experience directing and ADing, stage managing, and I think I'll have more dramaturgy work on my resume than most people. I've even done some acting. I've done two study abroad programs, one of which has given me the opportunity to name-drop some pretty high caliber names on my resume. I'll have presented a paper at a national conference (a small one, but national nonetheless). I have a minor in secondary education and have teaching experience, which should be a big plus. And my work has a lot of variety. The fact that I've dramaturged both The Rover and The Rocky Horror Show should be kind of intriguing, I think.
So yeah, I am going into this with some good things. I'm also going into this with some pretty notable deficits. The lack of "real world" experience is a big one. The fact that I'm only (almost) 24 is another. And there's the whole foreign language thing. I think I can honestly say that I have a "working knowledge" of Spanish, but I'm not sure what exactly "working knowledge" means. Plus Spanish isn't really the language of choice for theatre studies. French or German would have been the smart choices, but I picked Spanish when I was 12 years old and hey, it seemed like a good decision at the time.
So yes, I'm going to apply to the longshot schools. I mean, why not? The fact that my advisors don't think it would be a total waste of time to fill out the applications makes me proud. And I feel like I owe it to them to at least try. The worst case scenario is that I'm out the super-expensive application fee and they tell me, "Sorry, not this year." But if I don't try I'll never know and yeah, I'll probably always wonder. Plus I'd rather apply to as many schools as possible in one go. Once you've filled out one application you've pretty much filled out them all, so it would be stupid not to give myself as many chances as possible, even the not-really-a-chance chances.
So now you probably want to know where I think I do have a chance. Well, to be perfectly honest I'm scared that right now I don't have a chance anywhere and I'm going to have to get more experience somewhere and try again in a few years. And that's not the end of the world, I know. But there are four other schools I will be applying to this winter that might actually consider my application. I don't want to get too detailed because...I don't really know. I just don't. On the off-chance that I do get into one of these schools and move in the next year, I'd like to be able to retain some degree of online anonymity. Paranoid much? But yeah. Anyway. One is in Ohio (not the college I'll be speaking at next month, but maybe I'll at least be able to get a small feel for that part of the country), one is in Minnesota, one is in Maryland, and the other is another California school, this one in southern California (waaaay southern California).
So there are my options. I may still add one or two more, depending on if I turn up anything else interesting and to up my odds. But for now it seems as though before the end of next year, if I get lucky, I'll be in California, New England, Maryland, Ohio, or Minnesota. Talk about variety. Of course, I probably won't actually have to choose. I'll be lucky to just get one of those options, ya know? Still, I suppose I could be happy in any of those places. I can't really envision myself living in any of those places, but I can't envision myself staying here, either. I like the Austin area, I like it more than any other place I've ever lived, but there's just not much else I can do here for now. The truth is, I can't think much further than January. But I'll see what happens.
Or, you know, I'll still be here in Texas, bartending and wondering what the heck I'm going to do with my life.
The possibilities are endless!!
Oh, by the way, I'm off to El Paso tomorrow for Drunken Craziness With Everyone I've Ever Known in El Paso, Including Old High School Teachers and Probably the Mailman. This event is also known as My Parents' Huge Birthday Bash. My parents both turn 50 this month (Dad already had his birthday and Mom's is at the end of the month) so tomorrow they're shutting down my dad's bar for the night and throwing themselves a big party. I think it's going to be ridiculous. People are flying in from out of town, and I think my parents invited every single person they've ever met in El Paso. It's going to be open bar all night long. I'm pretty sure there's going to be a live band, and probably karaoke (my mom and her girlfriends love to get everyone drunk and make them do karaoke; the last time I went to karaoke with my mom I got so drunk I kissed my mom's best friend's son whom I've known since I was six weeks old,and while it was totally his idea and our mothers were thrilled, I'm not planning a repeat performance). My dad has rented a limo for the sole purpose of chauffering drunk people home. Oh, and for picking my siblings and I up at the airport tomorrow evening since we don't get home until 5:30 and my parents will apparently be too busy primping by that point to pick us up at the airport. The El Paso airport is not the sort of airport where people generally get picked up by limo services, so we get to be those pretentious assholes. Grand. Still, I'm excited. At the very least I'm bound to get a good story or two out of the evening, if I can remember much of it. Because hey, it's open bar and there's a limo to drive me home, you'd better believe I'm going to drink a stupid amount of alcohol! You should probably call me tomorrow night, I bet I'll be amusing.
And then on Friday we're seeing Dave Matthews Band and THE ROLLING STONES. Eeeeee! So exciting!!!
And one of the best parts is that when I told one of my professors today that I was going out of town, instead of being concerned she just said, "It's probably a very good idea for you to take a few days off right now. You know, step back and assess everything from a distance so you don't get overwhelmed." And the department chair said, "Have fun! Don't worry about anything, we've got it under control!" So not only do I get to skip class and work for the rest of the week, I'm doing it with the blessing of the department. Sweet.
Anyway, I'm off to waste the rest of the afternoon. A friend suggested eating cookies and masturbating, but I think I'm leaning towards more Grey's Anatomy and a nap. At least for now...Ha.
Sunday, October 15, 2006
Ricky Bobby, Ricky Bobby
Last night I was on 6th Street with Mandi and her friends Amy, Becky, and Brenna, who had come up from her hometown to see the show this weekend. The show went really well, by the way. We had decent-sized crowds both nights and everyone seemed to enjoy it. As much as I liked working on the show and as happy as I am to have more stage management experience on my resume, I'm glad it's over. That's 12+ hours a week that will be free now that weren't free before and I can do a lot with 12 hours. Even if what I choose to do with said hours is bake cookies and watch reruns of Grey's.
Anyway, last night we went up to 6th Street. I didn't get there until 12:30, but then I rapidly made up for lost time and had a couple of Jager bomb-esque shots (they weren't Jager bombs, I don't know what they were, but they were big stupid shots of the Jager bomb variety) and then I had a couple of beers and then I wanted a rum and Coke but someone ordered another beer for me accidentally so I ended up with the beer plus the rum and Coke, and then I had the presence of mind to stop drinking so I could actually drive home. Sometimes I'm reasonable. Sometimes...Anyway, we had a great time dancing and drinking at Darwin's (which you may remember as the bar where Jenny once infamously tried to shove a dollar coin into the quarter slot on a video game and then berated the poor bartender for having a broken game) and then we went to some bar in a basement that played great music and had cool lighting and served reasonably priced drinks, which is really all you need in a 6th Street bar, and then we went back to Darwin's.
By the time we left Darwin's for the second time, everyone was in various stages of drunk. I was my favorite sort of buzzed: drunk enough that I can enjoy being around other drunk people and laugh at drunken antics, but sober enough that I'm still perfectly capable of believably pretending that I haven't had a drink all evening, should such a need arise. Mandi was dancing in the street with her boyfriend, Brenna was drunk-dialing an ex, and Amy was supporting herself on the light post. So Becky and I, who were the most sober ones by far, were chatting when up strolled this strange little blonde guy. He sidled up to Becky and said, "So can I go inside?" and gestured to the bar. Becky just shrugged and said, "You can try, but it's closed," and then we ignored him. Imagine our surprise when, five minutes later, we realized he was still standing there, just awkwardly staring at us. By that time we were trying to get our group organized so we could head home, so we were talking about who was riding in which car. And creepy blonde guy took it upon himself to say to Becky-and this is a direct quote-"Do you have room for me in your car, Ricky Bobby, Ricky Bobby?" And he said it in a weird accent that I think was supposed to sound British but I'm really not sure. Becky, without skipping a beat, responded, "No, my car is full, Ricky Bobby, Ricky Bobby." I died. I'm still laughing about it almost 24 hours later. I suppose you really had to be there to understand why it was so funny, but it was hysterical. Why Ricky Bobby? What could he possibly have meant by that?
Then we went back to Mandi's apartment and Brenna collapsed on the living room floor, and we left Amy sleeping in the truck because it was just easier, and Mandi prayed very intently about the state of her bathroom plumbing, and I lost my ring in the couch cushions and while unearthing it I found a remote control that Mandi and Jason have never seen before in their lives, a Lion King Gameboy cartridge circa 1995, and a pair of panties that Mandi swears can't possibly be hers. We were fascinated and horrified all at once.
All in all it was a fun-albeit ridiculous-night. And now I suppose I should go to bed or work on lecture planning for the class I'm teaching on Tuesday or something else productive.
Anyway, last night we went up to 6th Street. I didn't get there until 12:30, but then I rapidly made up for lost time and had a couple of Jager bomb-esque shots (they weren't Jager bombs, I don't know what they were, but they were big stupid shots of the Jager bomb variety) and then I had a couple of beers and then I wanted a rum and Coke but someone ordered another beer for me accidentally so I ended up with the beer plus the rum and Coke, and then I had the presence of mind to stop drinking so I could actually drive home. Sometimes I'm reasonable. Sometimes...Anyway, we had a great time dancing and drinking at Darwin's (which you may remember as the bar where Jenny once infamously tried to shove a dollar coin into the quarter slot on a video game and then berated the poor bartender for having a broken game) and then we went to some bar in a basement that played great music and had cool lighting and served reasonably priced drinks, which is really all you need in a 6th Street bar, and then we went back to Darwin's.
By the time we left Darwin's for the second time, everyone was in various stages of drunk. I was my favorite sort of buzzed: drunk enough that I can enjoy being around other drunk people and laugh at drunken antics, but sober enough that I'm still perfectly capable of believably pretending that I haven't had a drink all evening, should such a need arise. Mandi was dancing in the street with her boyfriend, Brenna was drunk-dialing an ex, and Amy was supporting herself on the light post. So Becky and I, who were the most sober ones by far, were chatting when up strolled this strange little blonde guy. He sidled up to Becky and said, "So can I go inside?" and gestured to the bar. Becky just shrugged and said, "You can try, but it's closed," and then we ignored him. Imagine our surprise when, five minutes later, we realized he was still standing there, just awkwardly staring at us. By that time we were trying to get our group organized so we could head home, so we were talking about who was riding in which car. And creepy blonde guy took it upon himself to say to Becky-and this is a direct quote-"Do you have room for me in your car, Ricky Bobby, Ricky Bobby?" And he said it in a weird accent that I think was supposed to sound British but I'm really not sure. Becky, without skipping a beat, responded, "No, my car is full, Ricky Bobby, Ricky Bobby." I died. I'm still laughing about it almost 24 hours later. I suppose you really had to be there to understand why it was so funny, but it was hysterical. Why Ricky Bobby? What could he possibly have meant by that?
Then we went back to Mandi's apartment and Brenna collapsed on the living room floor, and we left Amy sleeping in the truck because it was just easier, and Mandi prayed very intently about the state of her bathroom plumbing, and I lost my ring in the couch cushions and while unearthing it I found a remote control that Mandi and Jason have never seen before in their lives, a Lion King Gameboy cartridge circa 1995, and a pair of panties that Mandi swears can't possibly be hers. We were fascinated and horrified all at once.
All in all it was a fun-albeit ridiculous-night. And now I suppose I should go to bed or work on lecture planning for the class I'm teaching on Tuesday or something else productive.
Monday, October 09, 2006
This Weekend...
This Weekend I:
-Fell down a flight of stairs at the show I was working Friday night. Of course I landed at the feet of the show's director, who had been a jerk to me and the house manager all week long. And of course I was wearing a dress.
-Fell down AGAIN while walking to the bar three hours later.
-Decided I'm permanently retiring the shoes I was wearing on Friday night, because that's fucking ridiculous.
-Spent all day Friday helping Mandi get set pieces for her show. It was an ordeal that involved picking up major kitchen appliances found at the side of the road, backing a giant U-Haul up onto a laughably narrow loading dock, and hauling a washing machine up and down stairs on a dolly, amongst other things (Have you ever moved a washing machine? I don't recommend it unless you want to increase your chance of ending up in the ER tenfold.)
-Was in rehearsal today for six hours.
-Chose cleaning my apartment over going on a date, because I've realized that I was feeling like the new guy was just using a date as a means to an end, the "end" in this case being sex. And I hate feeling like that. I want the physical stuff to be the icing on the cake, not the entire point. Even though we were having a pretty good time together, I realized the thing that was making me uneasy was that I felt like he was only taking me out and feeding me and buying me drinks so that he could hopefully get me into bed. And I know that's often the point of dating, but I don't want it to be the point. I want to be with someone who loves talking to me as much as making out with me, and while he seemed to truly enjoy talking to me he was also often like, "When are we going to kiss again?" and...NO.
-Fought with a customer at the box office. If I tell the whole story here I'll probably get so angry I'll give myself a stroke, but I'll just say that it's probably the worst exchange I've ever had with a customer and I have been waiting tables, bartending, parking people's cars, or selling people show tickets for seven years now. Words cannot express how much of an asshole this guy was. But I kept my cool. I wanted to punch his stupid face, but I argued as politely as possible and then despite the fact that I was appalled by his behavior, I finally let him into the theater. But only after finishing the conversation with, "I just want you to know that you're an incredibly irresponsible person. And stop lying to my face. It's insulting, and even more so in this case because you are a really terrible liar." So he went upstairs to the show--ten minutes late and without paying--and then guess what I found out from one of my ushers at intermission?
During the entire first act of the show, he sat there as his girlfriend gave him a handjob. WHAT IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE?!?!?!?!?! I wanted to report him for lewd behavior so badly, but I knew that since it was after the fact there was no way I could prove anything had been going on. Still, the usher said it was unmistakable. Even if there hadn't been enough light coming from the stage to see exactly what was happening, his girlfriend apparently doesn't know how to be discreet with a zipper.
I'm sure he'll end up being a politician.
I was looking forward to having more words with him this morning when he showed up to actually pay for his tickets, but unfortunately by the time he showed up I'd already left for the afternoon. I guess that's probably for the best, because had I actually gotten a chance to "talk" to him again I'd probably be unemployed right now.
But Also:
-When I took that spectacular fall in front of the director, he shouted, "Oh my God, Ashley!!", proving for the first time that he does in fact know my name. He was also really friendly to both Mandi and I for the rest of the weekend, so apparently to get on his good side you just have to do something humiliating in front of him.
-I didn't seriously injure myself in either fall. I have a rug burn running all the way up the side of my right shin and knee, but that just makes me look tough.
-My dog still hasn't been thrown out of his Canine Good Citizen training class, and when he actually focuses in class he looks so serious and determined that it makes my heart hurt in a good way.
-Everything is finally pretty much ready to go for the show I'm stage managing, which is good because it goes up this weekend.
-Right now I'm actually feeling totally okay with the fact that I'll choose cleaning my apartment over going on a date. When the right guy comes along I'll let my apartment fall to pieces if it means I can spend more time with him. In the meantime I can tell myself I'm too busy for a relationship right now and know that I'm only somewhat rationalizing.
-I went out with a group of the grad students on Friday night and it was great. We all drank margaritas until last call and then were having so much fun that a few people ended up coming back to my apartment to keep the fun going. At 3:30 in the morning I had an apartment full of people drinking Bacardi and Coke and laughing about everything as Grey's Anatomy played on the TV and Cohen happily wrestled with Amanda's dog Penny in the middle of the living room, and I thought, "This is awesome! Why don't we do this every night? Or at least every week?" Our schedules are why, of course. Every group that hangs out together and parties all the time needs an instigator to get things going, and none of us is regularly the instigator of that sort of thing. Which is how we ended up as nerdy grad students in the first place. Still, the big problem is that we're all working on shows and we all have different rehearsal schedules, so to have a night when we're all actually free at the same time is rare. I'm glad we took advantage this weekend. It was well worth being hungover for the first couple of hours I was waiting tables on Saturday morning.
I can't wait for next weekend!
-Fell down a flight of stairs at the show I was working Friday night. Of course I landed at the feet of the show's director, who had been a jerk to me and the house manager all week long. And of course I was wearing a dress.
-Fell down AGAIN while walking to the bar three hours later.
-Decided I'm permanently retiring the shoes I was wearing on Friday night, because that's fucking ridiculous.
-Spent all day Friday helping Mandi get set pieces for her show. It was an ordeal that involved picking up major kitchen appliances found at the side of the road, backing a giant U-Haul up onto a laughably narrow loading dock, and hauling a washing machine up and down stairs on a dolly, amongst other things (Have you ever moved a washing machine? I don't recommend it unless you want to increase your chance of ending up in the ER tenfold.)
-Was in rehearsal today for six hours.
-Chose cleaning my apartment over going on a date, because I've realized that I was feeling like the new guy was just using a date as a means to an end, the "end" in this case being sex. And I hate feeling like that. I want the physical stuff to be the icing on the cake, not the entire point. Even though we were having a pretty good time together, I realized the thing that was making me uneasy was that I felt like he was only taking me out and feeding me and buying me drinks so that he could hopefully get me into bed. And I know that's often the point of dating, but I don't want it to be the point. I want to be with someone who loves talking to me as much as making out with me, and while he seemed to truly enjoy talking to me he was also often like, "When are we going to kiss again?" and...NO.
-Fought with a customer at the box office. If I tell the whole story here I'll probably get so angry I'll give myself a stroke, but I'll just say that it's probably the worst exchange I've ever had with a customer and I have been waiting tables, bartending, parking people's cars, or selling people show tickets for seven years now. Words cannot express how much of an asshole this guy was. But I kept my cool. I wanted to punch his stupid face, but I argued as politely as possible and then despite the fact that I was appalled by his behavior, I finally let him into the theater. But only after finishing the conversation with, "I just want you to know that you're an incredibly irresponsible person. And stop lying to my face. It's insulting, and even more so in this case because you are a really terrible liar." So he went upstairs to the show--ten minutes late and without paying--and then guess what I found out from one of my ushers at intermission?
During the entire first act of the show, he sat there as his girlfriend gave him a handjob. WHAT IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE?!?!?!?!?! I wanted to report him for lewd behavior so badly, but I knew that since it was after the fact there was no way I could prove anything had been going on. Still, the usher said it was unmistakable. Even if there hadn't been enough light coming from the stage to see exactly what was happening, his girlfriend apparently doesn't know how to be discreet with a zipper.
I'm sure he'll end up being a politician.
I was looking forward to having more words with him this morning when he showed up to actually pay for his tickets, but unfortunately by the time he showed up I'd already left for the afternoon. I guess that's probably for the best, because had I actually gotten a chance to "talk" to him again I'd probably be unemployed right now.
But Also:
-When I took that spectacular fall in front of the director, he shouted, "Oh my God, Ashley!!", proving for the first time that he does in fact know my name. He was also really friendly to both Mandi and I for the rest of the weekend, so apparently to get on his good side you just have to do something humiliating in front of him.
-I didn't seriously injure myself in either fall. I have a rug burn running all the way up the side of my right shin and knee, but that just makes me look tough.
-My dog still hasn't been thrown out of his Canine Good Citizen training class, and when he actually focuses in class he looks so serious and determined that it makes my heart hurt in a good way.
-Everything is finally pretty much ready to go for the show I'm stage managing, which is good because it goes up this weekend.
-Right now I'm actually feeling totally okay with the fact that I'll choose cleaning my apartment over going on a date. When the right guy comes along I'll let my apartment fall to pieces if it means I can spend more time with him. In the meantime I can tell myself I'm too busy for a relationship right now and know that I'm only somewhat rationalizing.
-I went out with a group of the grad students on Friday night and it was great. We all drank margaritas until last call and then were having so much fun that a few people ended up coming back to my apartment to keep the fun going. At 3:30 in the morning I had an apartment full of people drinking Bacardi and Coke and laughing about everything as Grey's Anatomy played on the TV and Cohen happily wrestled with Amanda's dog Penny in the middle of the living room, and I thought, "This is awesome! Why don't we do this every night? Or at least every week?" Our schedules are why, of course. Every group that hangs out together and parties all the time needs an instigator to get things going, and none of us is regularly the instigator of that sort of thing. Which is how we ended up as nerdy grad students in the first place. Still, the big problem is that we're all working on shows and we all have different rehearsal schedules, so to have a night when we're all actually free at the same time is rare. I'm glad we took advantage this weekend. It was well worth being hungover for the first couple of hours I was waiting tables on Saturday morning.
I can't wait for next weekend!
Wednesday, October 04, 2006
Today Has Been Okay
I know I'm not the busiest person in the world. Not even close. I'm not even the busiest person around here. But sometimes, like this week, I have a hard time remembering that a lot of people actually have it harder than I do.
So I try to put things in perspective. I'm not directing a show right now, and the one I'm stage managing is over in two weeks. I'm only taking nine hours of classes instead of the twelve I took last year. I'm working two jobs, but I do realize that one of them is still totally optional and could be quit at any time. And I'm not pregnant. One of my fellow grad students is in her first trimester right now and I can't even imagine how she does everything I do while coping with morning sickness. Compared to that, I have it easy.
Still, I'll be damn happy when it's mid-November and the hardest part of the semester is behind me. There's still that whole applying to doctoral programs thing to worry about, but I also keep trying to remind myself that in the worst case scenario, there's no REAL reason why that needs to be done this year. I mean, it would be good and obviously it's in my best interest to apply if I can. But if I can't and it's just too much or it's just not possible this year, it's not the end of the world.
Oh, and I went out with that guy again on Saturday and I'm pretty much just feeling ambivalent. We definitely have a good time when we're together, but when he's not around I'm not thinking about him or thinking, "Wow, I can't wait until I can get home to talk to him." Honestly, it's just something to do, and right now when I'm so busy it just feels like one more thing on top of my already crazy schedule. I think I'll keep seeing him occasionally for now just because well, like I said, it's something to do (not "do" in that sense, sickos). But I'm not sure how fair that is to him, considering he's clearly pretty into me. I don't mean to brag but really, he is.
There's something wrong with me, I think. Why can't I get excited about a perfectly nice, attractive, fun guy? I say I don't want to be alone, but then the minute I have the chance to really be with someone in a meaningful way I decide that actually, I would rather just be alone and not worry about it. Can I possibly be that apathetic about my love life? Apparently, the answer is YES.
So I try to put things in perspective. I'm not directing a show right now, and the one I'm stage managing is over in two weeks. I'm only taking nine hours of classes instead of the twelve I took last year. I'm working two jobs, but I do realize that one of them is still totally optional and could be quit at any time. And I'm not pregnant. One of my fellow grad students is in her first trimester right now and I can't even imagine how she does everything I do while coping with morning sickness. Compared to that, I have it easy.
Still, I'll be damn happy when it's mid-November and the hardest part of the semester is behind me. There's still that whole applying to doctoral programs thing to worry about, but I also keep trying to remind myself that in the worst case scenario, there's no REAL reason why that needs to be done this year. I mean, it would be good and obviously it's in my best interest to apply if I can. But if I can't and it's just too much or it's just not possible this year, it's not the end of the world.
Oh, and I went out with that guy again on Saturday and I'm pretty much just feeling ambivalent. We definitely have a good time when we're together, but when he's not around I'm not thinking about him or thinking, "Wow, I can't wait until I can get home to talk to him." Honestly, it's just something to do, and right now when I'm so busy it just feels like one more thing on top of my already crazy schedule. I think I'll keep seeing him occasionally for now just because well, like I said, it's something to do (not "do" in that sense, sickos). But I'm not sure how fair that is to him, considering he's clearly pretty into me. I don't mean to brag but really, he is.
There's something wrong with me, I think. Why can't I get excited about a perfectly nice, attractive, fun guy? I say I don't want to be alone, but then the minute I have the chance to really be with someone in a meaningful way I decide that actually, I would rather just be alone and not worry about it. Can I possibly be that apathetic about my love life? Apparently, the answer is YES.
Saturday, September 30, 2006
Second Date
So, I hung out with that guy again last night. He didn't call me until almost 11:30, which annoyed me at first. I had thought based on previous conversation that we were going to go out on some sort of actual date, so I was really surprised that I hadn't heard from him by 7, then by 8, and then by 9ish I made the decision that if he called me I wasn't going to do anything with him. It was just a matter of principle. If this is going to be anything at all I really, really don't want it to be just late-night phone calls when one of us wants some action. I've done enough of that for the time being. For now I'd like something more...real. You know, something that involves going out to dinner and spending time together while the sun is still up. So I decided that if he called me late at night and wanted to do something I would say no and tell him that if he wants to see me he can't assume that he can call me in the middle of the night and I'll actually be a) awake, b) not already out with someone else, c) willing to hang out. I was going to put my foot down and demand some respect, damn it.
But then he called and when I started to tell him no, that he can't be calling me that late and inviting me out, he said, "Oh, I thought your rehearsal went until 11 so I wanted to wait until you got out." Apparently I forgot to make it clear that I only rehearse Monday through Thursday. So since it was my fault and not his, I decided he could come over for a while. We hung out and had a couple of beers and just talked for a few hours. He met my animals, both of whom loved him and immediately crawled onto his lap and stayed there for most of the night (or maybe they didn't actually like him and were just feeling jealous and doing everything in their power to keep him from touching me, I don't know).
It went well. We're going to see each other again, possibly today.
I just don't like the beginning of relationships. Some people thrive on that-the nervous excited butterflies when a new guy calls, being around someone and realizing you still have so much to learn about him, watching him flatter you and think of cute little romantic things to woo you. But that's not my thing. Sure, there's something exciting about it. But ideally, I would skip the first six months of the relationship. I like the part where everything is set, and I know a guy's quirks and we sort of have a routine and I know his friends and he knows my friends and he doesn't feel like he has to impress me.
I keep reminding myself that the comfort zone I've loved about the relationships I've been in so far wasn't there right at the beginning. A connection was there at the beginning, but it takes time to get into the comfort zone. I just wish I could be there already, you know?
Oh, and I'm not good at this whole pacing-myself-physically thing. We end up making out for a while and then I put a stop to things (because I don't want this to just be about sex, remember?) and I feel like I'm in high school all over again. So far, Mike has been the only guy in my life that I've actually dated in the "proper" way. You know, start out just kissing, move on to other things gradually. But that was back in high school, and I was a virgin, and something tells me that now that I'm older the standard waiting time before gettin' it on for the first time is NOT six months. I don't even know if it's six dates. I have no idea, because with every other guy that I've dated we always fooled around excessively first (I've never had sex the first time I've gotten into bed with somebody, but there was always more involved than just kissing, let's put it that way) and then kept fooling around excessively, and then started having sex, and THEN started dating (or just skipped the "dating" bit altogether, lalala). So now I know that I want this to be about hanging out and getting to know each other and spending time together out of bed, but as a result of my not letting him get with me I feel like he's sort of obsessed with the idea of getting me into bed. Which is flattering, but...I just don't know if I should just do it--probably not EVERYTHING, but at least get into an actual bed and take some clothes off--so that whole anticipation-of-the-first-time bit will be over and we can move on to other things, or whether letting it get that far right away will be counterproductive to it becoming an actual relationship.
I know what I'd tell someone asking me that question. I'd say, "If he really likes you and you like him and it's going to be a real relationship, it's going to become one whether or not you sleep with him on the very first date." But I also just don't want to sleep with another guy and have it ultimately turn out to be nothing. Thisreal dating stuff is too complicated for me.
Oh, and Mike is being weird and jealous about all this. Of course. Who didn't see that one coming from a mile away? However, am I wrong for thinking that he is just not allowed to act upset about it because HE is the one that left ME? Oy.
But then he called and when I started to tell him no, that he can't be calling me that late and inviting me out, he said, "Oh, I thought your rehearsal went until 11 so I wanted to wait until you got out." Apparently I forgot to make it clear that I only rehearse Monday through Thursday. So since it was my fault and not his, I decided he could come over for a while. We hung out and had a couple of beers and just talked for a few hours. He met my animals, both of whom loved him and immediately crawled onto his lap and stayed there for most of the night (or maybe they didn't actually like him and were just feeling jealous and doing everything in their power to keep him from touching me, I don't know).
It went well. We're going to see each other again, possibly today.
I just don't like the beginning of relationships. Some people thrive on that-the nervous excited butterflies when a new guy calls, being around someone and realizing you still have so much to learn about him, watching him flatter you and think of cute little romantic things to woo you. But that's not my thing. Sure, there's something exciting about it. But ideally, I would skip the first six months of the relationship. I like the part where everything is set, and I know a guy's quirks and we sort of have a routine and I know his friends and he knows my friends and he doesn't feel like he has to impress me.
I keep reminding myself that the comfort zone I've loved about the relationships I've been in so far wasn't there right at the beginning. A connection was there at the beginning, but it takes time to get into the comfort zone. I just wish I could be there already, you know?
Oh, and I'm not good at this whole pacing-myself-physically thing. We end up making out for a while and then I put a stop to things (because I don't want this to just be about sex, remember?) and I feel like I'm in high school all over again. So far, Mike has been the only guy in my life that I've actually dated in the "proper" way. You know, start out just kissing, move on to other things gradually. But that was back in high school, and I was a virgin, and something tells me that now that I'm older the standard waiting time before gettin' it on for the first time is NOT six months. I don't even know if it's six dates. I have no idea, because with every other guy that I've dated we always fooled around excessively first (I've never had sex the first time I've gotten into bed with somebody, but there was always more involved than just kissing, let's put it that way) and then kept fooling around excessively, and then started having sex, and THEN started dating (or just skipped the "dating" bit altogether, lalala). So now I know that I want this to be about hanging out and getting to know each other and spending time together out of bed, but as a result of my not letting him get with me I feel like he's sort of obsessed with the idea of getting me into bed. Which is flattering, but...I just don't know if I should just do it--probably not EVERYTHING, but at least get into an actual bed and take some clothes off--so that whole anticipation-of-the-first-time bit will be over and we can move on to other things, or whether letting it get that far right away will be counterproductive to it becoming an actual relationship.
I know what I'd tell someone asking me that question. I'd say, "If he really likes you and you like him and it's going to be a real relationship, it's going to become one whether or not you sleep with him on the very first date." But I also just don't want to sleep with another guy and have it ultimately turn out to be nothing. Thisreal dating stuff is too complicated for me.
Oh, and Mike is being weird and jealous about all this. Of course. Who didn't see that one coming from a mile away? However, am I wrong for thinking that he is just not allowed to act upset about it because HE is the one that left ME? Oy.
Friday, September 29, 2006
Slow News Day
Remember this, the El Paso Times article I bitched about back in May when I was visiting my parents? Remember how I mentioned that the El Paso Times is probably the very worst newspaper of any reasonably-sized city in the nation?
Well, the paper has reached a new low with this ridiculous article that Chelsea alerted me to today. This was considered breaking news on the main page of their website this morning:
Cat stuck in pipe amuses schoolchildren (11:13 a.m.)
A cat, “probably chasing a mouse,” became trapped inside a pipe this morning at Houston Elementary, school clerk Sylvia Trujillo said.
Children discovered the immobilized animal and notified school officials, who in turn called the city's office of Animal Regulation and Disease Control, Trujillo said. Animal control arrived at about 7:30 a.m. to pull the feline from where it was stuck inside a drainage pipe, officials said.
Trujillo said the cat hissed when it was freed from the pipe.
She said no children were traumatized by the incident.
“To them I think it was funny,” Trujillo said.
The cat is being held at animal control offices, located at 5001 Fred Wilson, officials said. It will remain there for three days or until its owner comes to retrieve it. If no owner arrives within three days, the cat will be adopted or put down, officials said.
The fate of the mouse was unknown.
How is this possibly considered a news story?!?! It's not even a good human interest story! Mainly I wonder who the heck decided "Hey, there's a cat stuck in a pipe out in the schoolyard. Now that's a story I need to report to the newspaper!" My favorite part is that no children were traumatized by the incident. Oh, THANK GOD. Because hissing cats in pipes are really, really scary and might in fact cause permanent psychological scarring for these poor children! Oh, and "the fate of the mouse was unknown". That last sentence makes me want to believe that the whole article is meant to be tongue-in-cheek and the reporter knew it was stupid and was trying to be funny on purpose, but sadly I'm pretty sure the article is meant to be dead serious.
It must be an incredibly slow news day in El Paso. But even that is no excuse. Oh well, at least it was good for a laugh.
Well, the paper has reached a new low with this ridiculous article that Chelsea alerted me to today. This was considered breaking news on the main page of their website this morning:
Cat stuck in pipe amuses schoolchildren (11:13 a.m.)
A cat, “probably chasing a mouse,” became trapped inside a pipe this morning at Houston Elementary, school clerk Sylvia Trujillo said.
Children discovered the immobilized animal and notified school officials, who in turn called the city's office of Animal Regulation and Disease Control, Trujillo said. Animal control arrived at about 7:30 a.m. to pull the feline from where it was stuck inside a drainage pipe, officials said.
Trujillo said the cat hissed when it was freed from the pipe.
She said no children were traumatized by the incident.
“To them I think it was funny,” Trujillo said.
The cat is being held at animal control offices, located at 5001 Fred Wilson, officials said. It will remain there for three days or until its owner comes to retrieve it. If no owner arrives within three days, the cat will be adopted or put down, officials said.
The fate of the mouse was unknown.
How is this possibly considered a news story?!?! It's not even a good human interest story! Mainly I wonder who the heck decided "Hey, there's a cat stuck in a pipe out in the schoolyard. Now that's a story I need to report to the newspaper!" My favorite part is that no children were traumatized by the incident. Oh, THANK GOD. Because hissing cats in pipes are really, really scary and might in fact cause permanent psychological scarring for these poor children! Oh, and "the fate of the mouse was unknown". That last sentence makes me want to believe that the whole article is meant to be tongue-in-cheek and the reporter knew it was stupid and was trying to be funny on purpose, but sadly I'm pretty sure the article is meant to be dead serious.
It must be an incredibly slow news day in El Paso. But even that is no excuse. Oh well, at least it was good for a laugh.
Weekend!
It has been a busy week around here. Surprise, surprise. I've been busy stage managing Mandi's show and doing some research for Kelly's show and studying for the test I had in my evening class tonight (which I think went okay; I'm absolutely positive I didn't answer anything wrong, I think the worst thing the prof can say is that I didn't provide enough detail in a couple of the essays...four "well-developed" essays in two hours and forty-five minutes...remind me again why I love being a student so much?) and answering the phone at least four to six times a day to answer questions for the people working in the box office and waiting tables and somehow I still haven't managed to get much done on my thesis other than working on the official proposal which I sort of need to rework part of anyway. I keep telling myself I'll have a lot more time to focus on it once Mandi's show closes and I'm no longer stage managing from 8 until 11 every night, so I hope that that's actually true.
Needless to say, I'm so ready for this weekend. I work tomorrow from 11:00 until 4ish and I have Cohen's training class from 1 until 4 on Sunday. My dog is in a really cool training class right now (well, he is at this exact moment, we'll see if he gets thrown out on Sunday) and I'll have to tell you about his training when I get the chance because my dog is being trained at the state psychiatric hospital and it's interesting, especially since I can say things like "I have to go to the mental hospital tomorrow" and actually mean it. But anyway, other than those two things I actually have the entire weekend free. There is nothing in my planner for Saturday! That NEVER happens.
The only other thing that is sort of on the agenda for this weekend is a date with that guy. We've been talking all week, not in an excessive, overwhelming way, but just a couple text messages each day and a few e-mails back and forth over the course of the week. I'm still feeling pretty good about it. He's not talking to me so much that it's freaking me out (and it's very easy to freak me out), but he's also not doing stupid things like saying, "I'll talk to you later" and then waiting three days to talk to me again. He told me he'd call me tomorrow and we'll go out this weekend, and there's no doubt in my mind that it will actually happen. I'm nervous, though. Now that I haven't actually seen him in four days I'm starting to worry that I made Sunday night out to be better than it was and I'm afraid I'll be disappointed this weekend. I've been on a few good first dates in my life but I've never really had a good second date. See, normally I don't even date. I usually--and by usually I mean ALWAYS--begin relationships by flirting extensively with and then kissing someone who was previously "just a friend" and then suddenly, oops, I guess maybe we're not just friends anymore! That's how I've ended up in every one of my previous relationships. It's pretty much unheard of for me to go on actual dates for the purpose of getting to know someone who is pretty much a stranger. In that circumstance no guy has ever gotten beyond a second date.
So yeah. I'm not hopeful, but I'm kind of excited anyway. At the very least it's something to do during my free weekend. I also have the urge to drink too much and make out with someone, but I'm pretty sure this is not the weekend to do that.
Needless to say, I'm so ready for this weekend. I work tomorrow from 11:00 until 4ish and I have Cohen's training class from 1 until 4 on Sunday. My dog is in a really cool training class right now (well, he is at this exact moment, we'll see if he gets thrown out on Sunday) and I'll have to tell you about his training when I get the chance because my dog is being trained at the state psychiatric hospital and it's interesting, especially since I can say things like "I have to go to the mental hospital tomorrow" and actually mean it. But anyway, other than those two things I actually have the entire weekend free. There is nothing in my planner for Saturday! That NEVER happens.
The only other thing that is sort of on the agenda for this weekend is a date with that guy. We've been talking all week, not in an excessive, overwhelming way, but just a couple text messages each day and a few e-mails back and forth over the course of the week. I'm still feeling pretty good about it. He's not talking to me so much that it's freaking me out (and it's very easy to freak me out), but he's also not doing stupid things like saying, "I'll talk to you later" and then waiting three days to talk to me again. He told me he'd call me tomorrow and we'll go out this weekend, and there's no doubt in my mind that it will actually happen. I'm nervous, though. Now that I haven't actually seen him in four days I'm starting to worry that I made Sunday night out to be better than it was and I'm afraid I'll be disappointed this weekend. I've been on a few good first dates in my life but I've never really had a good second date. See, normally I don't even date. I usually--and by usually I mean ALWAYS--begin relationships by flirting extensively with and then kissing someone who was previously "just a friend" and then suddenly, oops, I guess maybe we're not just friends anymore! That's how I've ended up in every one of my previous relationships. It's pretty much unheard of for me to go on actual dates for the purpose of getting to know someone who is pretty much a stranger. In that circumstance no guy has ever gotten beyond a second date.
So yeah. I'm not hopeful, but I'm kind of excited anyway. At the very least it's something to do during my free weekend. I also have the urge to drink too much and make out with someone, but I'm pretty sure this is not the weekend to do that.
Sunday, September 24, 2006
Bah to Titles
#1-I have a full thesis committee!! And in the affirmative reply from my department chair, he spelled believe "beleive", which makes me kinda happy just because.
#2-I met a guy last night. This is a pretty big deal, since the last time I met a truly intriguing new guy was, um, about a year and a half ago. And that fizzled extremely fast. I know the exact same thing could happen now, and this feeling could be totally gone by next week. But right now I can honestly say that I feel excited about this in a way I haven't felt excited about a guy in a really, really, really long time. I'm a fickle bitch and I could be totally off this guy 24 hours from now. I know that. But I hung out one-on-one with him tonight and we spent two hours sitting on his patio talking and he made it clear that he's very, very into me but didn't remotely try to talk me into bed. All in all it was the best first date I've had in years. Even if it doesn't go anywhere else, at least there's that.
#2-I met a guy last night. This is a pretty big deal, since the last time I met a truly intriguing new guy was, um, about a year and a half ago. And that fizzled extremely fast. I know the exact same thing could happen now, and this feeling could be totally gone by next week. But right now I can honestly say that I feel excited about this in a way I haven't felt excited about a guy in a really, really, really long time. I'm a fickle bitch and I could be totally off this guy 24 hours from now. I know that. But I hung out one-on-one with him tonight and we spent two hours sitting on his patio talking and he made it clear that he's very, very into me but didn't remotely try to talk me into bed. All in all it was the best first date I've had in years. Even if it doesn't go anywhere else, at least there's that.
Thursday, September 21, 2006
My Aching Back
Most of the time I love living alone. I love living alone so much that I can't really imagine ever wanting to share a place with someone else again unless there was going to be a lot of sex involved.
That's not to say that I wouldn't have a roommate again if it became financially necessary, because I know I could handle it. After all, Katy and I spent a great four years living together and I've enjoyed all the other short-term roommates I've had in my life, too. It's just that now that I've spent a year living on my own, I've realized how wonderful it really is to have MY space. I love it.
However, there are a few times that living alone is kind of a pain. Like when I'm trying to get dressed and there's something to be tied or zipped up in the back that I can't reach, or when I throw food away month after month because everything seems to come in portions too big for a single person to finish before it goes bad, or when there's a giant bug chillin' in my shower and I have to kill it myself (I pretty much always have to call someone for moral support when I'm on a bug-killing mission. I'm not sure why, since I don't think anyone really appreciates listening to me shriek over the phone). The biggest pain about living alone is the literal pain, though. Right now my back and shoulders are aching so badly. I can't figure out why. I don't think it's from my workouts since it isn't sore in a good way, and I would say it's just stress tension except that I'm not particularly stressed out right now. Busy, sure, but not actually stressed. Maybe I'm just sleeping weird? At any rate, my back hurts and all I really need is a back massage. It doesn't even have to be a good massage. But it's the middle of the night and I live alone, so that's not going to happen. I just spent an entire Lost episode stretching and doing every relaxation, tension-releasing move I've ever learned in a dance or acting class, and it helped for a while but I guess it wasn't good enough because I can feel the ache coming back. Bah.
I think I'm gonna go see if the basset hound feels like being a cooperative heating pad. He's really good at that, sometimes.
That's not to say that I wouldn't have a roommate again if it became financially necessary, because I know I could handle it. After all, Katy and I spent a great four years living together and I've enjoyed all the other short-term roommates I've had in my life, too. It's just that now that I've spent a year living on my own, I've realized how wonderful it really is to have MY space. I love it.
However, there are a few times that living alone is kind of a pain. Like when I'm trying to get dressed and there's something to be tied or zipped up in the back that I can't reach, or when I throw food away month after month because everything seems to come in portions too big for a single person to finish before it goes bad, or when there's a giant bug chillin' in my shower and I have to kill it myself (I pretty much always have to call someone for moral support when I'm on a bug-killing mission. I'm not sure why, since I don't think anyone really appreciates listening to me shriek over the phone). The biggest pain about living alone is the literal pain, though. Right now my back and shoulders are aching so badly. I can't figure out why. I don't think it's from my workouts since it isn't sore in a good way, and I would say it's just stress tension except that I'm not particularly stressed out right now. Busy, sure, but not actually stressed. Maybe I'm just sleeping weird? At any rate, my back hurts and all I really need is a back massage. It doesn't even have to be a good massage. But it's the middle of the night and I live alone, so that's not going to happen. I just spent an entire Lost episode stretching and doing every relaxation, tension-releasing move I've ever learned in a dance or acting class, and it helped for a while but I guess it wasn't good enough because I can feel the ache coming back. Bah.
I think I'm gonna go see if the basset hound feels like being a cooperative heating pad. He's really good at that, sometimes.
Wednesday, September 20, 2006
That Can Crack the Darkest Sky Wide Open
Have you seen the new Liberty Mutual ad where everyone is being nice to each other and it's kind of a pay-it-forward type thing and it has the beautiful, haunting music in the background? Yeah, you've seen it. Even if it's not ringing a bell, I'm sure you've seen it. I'm sure I could find a link to the ad and post it here, but I'm lazy about linking stuff.
I recently got sorta obsessed with this ad. I saw it for the first time at work last week when some of my coworkers and I were watching the big screen TV and killing time while we were waiting to actually have some tables and something to do (I'll sometimes spend a whole hour at the restaurant just killing time, which is a big pet peeve of mine, but whatever. The restaurant is always either really dead or really busy, there's no in-between. But that's every restaurant in the world, isn't it?) Anyway, my friend was like, "I love this ad!" and we turned the sound up and watched it, and the song stayed with me for days. I kept wanting to find the song and download it, but I kept remembering it at weird times, like in the car or in class, so I didn't actually get around to it until just now when I saw the ad while I was actually here at the house sitting at my computer.
The song is by a group called Hem, and I loved it initially just for the tune and the singer's voice, but then I found the lyrics, and now I'm more in love than ever:
I am holding half an acre
torn from the map of Michigan
and folded in this scrap of paper
is a land I grew in
Think of every town you've lived in
every room you lay your head
and what is it that you remember?
Do you carry every sadness with you
every hour your heart was broken
every night the fear and darkness
lay down with you
A man is walking on the highway
A woman stares out at the sea
and light is only now just breaking
So we carry every sadness with us
every hour our hearts were broken
every night the fear and darkness
lay down with us
But I am holding half an acre
torn from the map of Michigan
I am carrying this scrap of paper
that can crack the darkest sky wide open
every burden taken from me
every night my heart unfolding
my home
We can't escape the heartbreak or the fear or the darkness. That's always there and it's not going to go away. But home makes it okay. If you're lucky, the same past that hurt you is the very thing that can save you and make you happy. That's what I took from the song, anyway.
In the sake of full disclosure, I will say that after I downloaded this song I listened to it about six times in a row until eventually I made myself cry. But it's been one of those rough emotional weeks and I needed that release. And it was crying in a good way, not a bad way. It's kind of like the time I got obsessed with Finley Quaye, or "Into Dust" by Mazzy Star, or "Landed" by Ben Folds or any number of highly melodic and vaguely melancholy songs. My latest kick prior to this one was when I discovered Carrie Rodriguez a couple of weeks ago and bought an entire album based off one song, which is something I haven't done since I was about eighteen. The album is Seven Angels on a Bicycle and I bought it based off the title track and then realized afterwards that I already knew about half the album because the public radio station here plays a lot of her stuff. I like it a lot. My mp3 player insists that it's "country" and I suppose it is, but it's a very mellow album and overall has more of a blue grass feel, if anything. And I bet that's something you never knew about me: I am not a fan of country music, especially country ballads. It's very rare that I like a country song enough to actually want to listen to it over and over again, and the only country songs I do like are more dancing, get-wild songs than anything else. But deep down inside I sort of love bluegrass. The more banjo, fiddle, and general twang, the better.
I was in the car with my brother recently, complaining about his choice of music. I don't know how to describe Shane's choice of music other than "high school rock that's sort of indie but not indie enough to ACTUALLY be indie". I realize that makes no sense as a genre, and I have no real reason for disliking many of the songs Shane likes, especially since there's a very fine, blurry line separating a lot of the music he likes from the music I like. For example, for me, Panic! at the Disco is generally a yes and Fallout Boy is generally a no, even though I'm aware that they're both pretty much the same thing. Shane is the opposite. I recently decided I'm okay with liking Snow Patrol, even though I was wary at first. My Chemical Romance is still a big, fat no, etc., etc. Don't ask me how I decide these things, I just get a feeling for songs and I know what I like and what I don't like, even though I can't usually articulate why, for example, I like my "indie but not indie enough to ACTUALLY be indie" music but not Shane's. Part of it is that I don't want to do anything that can remotely be construed as "indie" or "hipster" or "emo" because I just don't get the scene and I don't want to fit the scene. The problem is, I still to this day can't figure out what exactly makes something indie or makes a person a hipster so I'm trying to keep myself from falling into a category that I don't particularly know how to classify. It's confusing being in my head sometimes. Whew.
The point is, Shane and I can very rarely agree on music. Chelsea and I agree much more easily, mostly because the music she legitimately likes is my "guilty pleasure" music (think Pussycat Dolls, gangsta rap, cheesy 90s pop, etc.).
So lately I've been wondering how the heck someone would classify my listening habits. Maybe you all should decide for me, because so far all I have to go by is Shane's description of me, which was "So basically you like music that is good but fucking depressing." And while it's actually kind of true that the majority of my favorite songs in the world are at least vaguely sad, I think a lot of my music is cheerful and uplifting. I think...
So how should I classify myself, anyone-who-knows-more-about-music-than-I-do?
Here are the facts:
1) Probably 20% of the space on my mp3 player is devoted to show tunes, but I also have to be in a particular mood to want to listen to said show tunes and I wouldn't claim that as my favorite type of music. I also tend to prefer sexy/sultry or very dramatic/depressing musicals to cheesy pop musical love stories. I don't know why it's important for you to know that, except to say that I know I wouldn't classify myself as a show tunes girl.
2) I spend most of my driving time listening to the public radio station here. Here's a link to their weekly Top 60. It really is a mix of everything, so maybe that doesn't help.
3) If I do change the station, it's because I'm in the mood for rap and dance/pop music. This is kinda rare, but pretty much always happens when I'm on my way to a party or a night of drinking and bar hopping and I need to be in an upbeat mood.
4) I put my mp3 player on random and listed the first 25 artists that came up, not counting show tunes since, as I've already declared, I like show tunes but I'm not a show tunes girl. Here they are:
1. Talking Heads
2. Sufjan Stevens
3. Belle and Sebastian
4. Eva Cassidy
5. Robert Plant
6. The Shins
7. Fiona Apple
8. Neil Young
9. 10,000 Maniacs
10. Tool
11. Dave Matthews Band
12. The Kinks
13. Imogen Heap
14. Old 97s
15. Rod Stewart
16. Madonna
17. Fatboy Slim
18. Kanye West
19. Johnny Cash
20. Simon and Garfunkel
21. Chamillionaire
22. Frank Sinatra
23. Michael Jackson
24. Journey
25. James Blunt
So, what kind of music DO I like?
I recently got sorta obsessed with this ad. I saw it for the first time at work last week when some of my coworkers and I were watching the big screen TV and killing time while we were waiting to actually have some tables and something to do (I'll sometimes spend a whole hour at the restaurant just killing time, which is a big pet peeve of mine, but whatever. The restaurant is always either really dead or really busy, there's no in-between. But that's every restaurant in the world, isn't it?) Anyway, my friend was like, "I love this ad!" and we turned the sound up and watched it, and the song stayed with me for days. I kept wanting to find the song and download it, but I kept remembering it at weird times, like in the car or in class, so I didn't actually get around to it until just now when I saw the ad while I was actually here at the house sitting at my computer.
The song is by a group called Hem, and I loved it initially just for the tune and the singer's voice, but then I found the lyrics, and now I'm more in love than ever:
I am holding half an acre
torn from the map of Michigan
and folded in this scrap of paper
is a land I grew in
Think of every town you've lived in
every room you lay your head
and what is it that you remember?
Do you carry every sadness with you
every hour your heart was broken
every night the fear and darkness
lay down with you
A man is walking on the highway
A woman stares out at the sea
and light is only now just breaking
So we carry every sadness with us
every hour our hearts were broken
every night the fear and darkness
lay down with us
But I am holding half an acre
torn from the map of Michigan
I am carrying this scrap of paper
that can crack the darkest sky wide open
every burden taken from me
every night my heart unfolding
my home
We can't escape the heartbreak or the fear or the darkness. That's always there and it's not going to go away. But home makes it okay. If you're lucky, the same past that hurt you is the very thing that can save you and make you happy. That's what I took from the song, anyway.
In the sake of full disclosure, I will say that after I downloaded this song I listened to it about six times in a row until eventually I made myself cry. But it's been one of those rough emotional weeks and I needed that release. And it was crying in a good way, not a bad way. It's kind of like the time I got obsessed with Finley Quaye, or "Into Dust" by Mazzy Star, or "Landed" by Ben Folds or any number of highly melodic and vaguely melancholy songs. My latest kick prior to this one was when I discovered Carrie Rodriguez a couple of weeks ago and bought an entire album based off one song, which is something I haven't done since I was about eighteen. The album is Seven Angels on a Bicycle and I bought it based off the title track and then realized afterwards that I already knew about half the album because the public radio station here plays a lot of her stuff. I like it a lot. My mp3 player insists that it's "country" and I suppose it is, but it's a very mellow album and overall has more of a blue grass feel, if anything. And I bet that's something you never knew about me: I am not a fan of country music, especially country ballads. It's very rare that I like a country song enough to actually want to listen to it over and over again, and the only country songs I do like are more dancing, get-wild songs than anything else. But deep down inside I sort of love bluegrass. The more banjo, fiddle, and general twang, the better.
I was in the car with my brother recently, complaining about his choice of music. I don't know how to describe Shane's choice of music other than "high school rock that's sort of indie but not indie enough to ACTUALLY be indie". I realize that makes no sense as a genre, and I have no real reason for disliking many of the songs Shane likes, especially since there's a very fine, blurry line separating a lot of the music he likes from the music I like. For example, for me, Panic! at the Disco is generally a yes and Fallout Boy is generally a no, even though I'm aware that they're both pretty much the same thing. Shane is the opposite. I recently decided I'm okay with liking Snow Patrol, even though I was wary at first. My Chemical Romance is still a big, fat no, etc., etc. Don't ask me how I decide these things, I just get a feeling for songs and I know what I like and what I don't like, even though I can't usually articulate why, for example, I like my "indie but not indie enough to ACTUALLY be indie" music but not Shane's. Part of it is that I don't want to do anything that can remotely be construed as "indie" or "hipster" or "emo" because I just don't get the scene and I don't want to fit the scene. The problem is, I still to this day can't figure out what exactly makes something indie or makes a person a hipster so I'm trying to keep myself from falling into a category that I don't particularly know how to classify. It's confusing being in my head sometimes. Whew.
The point is, Shane and I can very rarely agree on music. Chelsea and I agree much more easily, mostly because the music she legitimately likes is my "guilty pleasure" music (think Pussycat Dolls, gangsta rap, cheesy 90s pop, etc.).
So lately I've been wondering how the heck someone would classify my listening habits. Maybe you all should decide for me, because so far all I have to go by is Shane's description of me, which was "So basically you like music that is good but fucking depressing." And while it's actually kind of true that the majority of my favorite songs in the world are at least vaguely sad, I think a lot of my music is cheerful and uplifting. I think...
So how should I classify myself, anyone-who-knows-more-about-music-than-I-do?
Here are the facts:
1) Probably 20% of the space on my mp3 player is devoted to show tunes, but I also have to be in a particular mood to want to listen to said show tunes and I wouldn't claim that as my favorite type of music. I also tend to prefer sexy/sultry or very dramatic/depressing musicals to cheesy pop musical love stories. I don't know why it's important for you to know that, except to say that I know I wouldn't classify myself as a show tunes girl.
2) I spend most of my driving time listening to the public radio station here. Here's a link to their weekly Top 60. It really is a mix of everything, so maybe that doesn't help.
3) If I do change the station, it's because I'm in the mood for rap and dance/pop music. This is kinda rare, but pretty much always happens when I'm on my way to a party or a night of drinking and bar hopping and I need to be in an upbeat mood.
4) I put my mp3 player on random and listed the first 25 artists that came up, not counting show tunes since, as I've already declared, I like show tunes but I'm not a show tunes girl. Here they are:
1. Talking Heads
2. Sufjan Stevens
3. Belle and Sebastian
4. Eva Cassidy
5. Robert Plant
6. The Shins
7. Fiona Apple
8. Neil Young
9. 10,000 Maniacs
10. Tool
11. Dave Matthews Band
12. The Kinks
13. Imogen Heap
14. Old 97s
15. Rod Stewart
16. Madonna
17. Fatboy Slim
18. Kanye West
19. Johnny Cash
20. Simon and Garfunkel
21. Chamillionaire
22. Frank Sinatra
23. Michael Jackson
24. Journey
25. James Blunt
So, what kind of music DO I like?
Monday, September 18, 2006
And Then There's That
So I'm feeling really good about things today, and I posted that last entry. And then I went and read a story about a woman who is married with a child but saw her college ex when she was on a business trip, the one who got away. And she tried to sleep with him and ultimately couldn't bring herself to do it and she realized that everything is good back at home and she doesn't want to mess that up and blah, blah, blah. So it all turned out okay, I guess.
But the thing is, that's why I worry about the Mike stuff more than anything. I don't want to think I'm over this and think I've moved on and then see him in the future and realize that some big part of me still wants to be with him. I don't think that would ever happen, I don't think I COULD marry someone while I still felt even remotely hung up on someone else, so that's a good thing about me, I guess. But still.
But the thing is, that's why I worry about the Mike stuff more than anything. I don't want to think I'm over this and think I've moved on and then see him in the future and realize that some big part of me still wants to be with him. I don't think that would ever happen, I don't think I COULD marry someone while I still felt even remotely hung up on someone else, so that's a good thing about me, I guess. But still.
Ups and Downs
I had a weird weekend, emotionally. I spent a lot of the weekend talking to Mike about various things--mostly not even related to "us", but issues of his own--and mostly it was okay but I kept going off on these melodramatic spiels about how I hate that things had to ultimately turn out the way they did and how I'm afraid I'm going to be single forever and that I screwed up the one chance I had at being with someone for real, and blah, blah, blah.
And I'd be all into my rant and I'd be feeling pretty seriously sad about it, but then suddenly as if I were watching myself from a distance I'd think, "What are you doing? You don't actually think most of those things. And even if at this exact moment he were to suddenly have a change of heart and say that he wants to spend the rest of his life with you, would you actually say yes?"
And so I thought about that for a while, and I went, "Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No." Which I guess is probably a no, huh?
So I don't know why I still obsess about this sometimes. Overall I've gotten so much better. I look at the spot I'm in now and compare it to the spot I was in six months ago and I realize that I'm doing great now, especially in comparison to where I was. And I have no reason to believe it won't just keep getting better and better, especially if every other aspect of my life continues to go as well as it is right now.
The other thing is, I know most of the time that I have nothing to worry about. The odds are still very much in my favor that I'll find someone that I actually want to spend my life with. Somewhere out there there's a guy that's basically Mike plus a few more positive traits and minus all of the complications seven years have heaped on us. And one of these days with any luck he and I will stumble across each other. Just because it's probably not going to happen this year in Texas doesn't mean it's not going to happen ever.
And the other thing I realize when I'm being sane (which is almost 100% of the time these days, I'm happy to report) is that I really am okay on my own. I've always liked my own company better than the company of anybody else. I like a lot of people, but I'm an introvert at heart. As a kid I was happiest playing games and writing stories in my room by myself. As an adult I'm most relaxed here in my apartment with Food Network and Cohen and a play to read. I like going out and having a social life, but I ultimately end up choosing to spend a lot of time alone (I will say, however, that being alone is only fun when it's actually by choice and not just because I don't have any other options. I am comfortable being alone mostly because I know that I do have friends I could call up if I felt like. And I don't think that fact is ever going to change, hopefully). So yes, I realize that even if somehow I do end up falling into the 10% of people that never find someone they love enough to want to start a family with, well, I think I can hack it on my own. I have good friends and a good family, which is more than a lot of people have. I have my animals, I have my hobbies, I think I'll have an interesting career, and when I'm old enough and ready I know I'll have a son or daughter, even if I have to accomplish that dream in a non-traditional way. And I can envision that sort of lifestyle; teaching and writing during the school year, maybe doing some directing, going out with colleagues sometimes, maybe even going on the occasional* date, training a whole pack of basset hounds to do obedience or be therapy dogs, boarding the dogs and going abroad each summer (since the one obvious benefit to being single is more money to spend on ME!). I mean, I can see all of that, and see how it would make me happy, too.
So I don't know why I still get all melodramatic and panicky sometimes, but I'm also able to snap myself out of it pretty quickly now. I think the next step will be keeping melodramatic rants to myself. Because that's just smart.
The thing is, I had a really good weekend, too. I made a small stack of money on Saturday night, which made me happy even though I was there until closing time because I had one table that would not stop drinking. Matthew was in town this weekend, so I spent some time with him and amongst other things we went to a birthday party for his sister's cat. Proof that my sister and I aren't the only nutty people in the world who celebrate our pets' birthdays with actual parties involving party hats and cake! (Oh, we're crazy, I know, but at least we're not the only ones). Yesterday I hung out with my sister and we saw Little Miss Sunshine, which I really liked. I know everybody is raving about it and I don't have anything enlightening to add, but the hype is well-deserved, in my opinion. I may actually buy it once it's available on DVD, and that's about the highest honor I can give a film since everybody who knows me knows I do not buy DVDs. I have exactly 19 DVDs. I mean, there are lots of movies that I think are pretty good, and that I'd probably watch again if they were on TV or whatever. But there aren't many movies that I love so much I want to own them so I have the option of watching them over and over and over again. But I think this one is worthy of being added to my collection eventually.
Here is my current collection, for the record. Just so you can see my taste in movies before you actually bother taking any recommendations* from me. Also, I can think of three or four more movies off the top of my head that I'd like to add to this collection, but not many. Most of the ones I do still want to add are older movies. And most of these I just love for personal reasons and not because they're actually brilliant movies (although many of them are).
1) Almost Famous
2) Amelie
3) The Big Chill
4) Chicago
5) Closer
6) Confessions of a Dangerous Mind
7) Far From Heaven
8) Fight Club
9) Garden State
10) The Graduate
11) Lord of the Rings (the first one. And actually, this one is sort of a fluke. It was $2 in the Missing Cover Art bin at some video store, so I bought it because it was two bucks and I like it enough, not because I actually love it. I do like it quite a lot, but obviously not enough to bother actually buying the other two)
12) Memento
13) Pulp Fiction
14) The Royal Tenenbaums
15) Sense and Sensibility
16) Snatch
17) The Sound of Music
18) Tootsie
19) Waiting for Guffman
That's it. That's my entire DVD collection. Oh, except that I do have every episode of Sex and the City except season one (which somehow got lost in my last move), season one of The Aqua Teen Hunger Force, and Angels in America (which is more of a mini-series than a movie, although it's WONDERFUL and if you've never seen it you should rent it immediately. I re-read the play all the time). Also, I didn't realize my DVDs were in alphabetical order until just now. I have a feeling that was my sister's doing, since I may be pretty anal but even I don't actually alphabetize books and DVDs.
Anyway, I don't have to go to rehearsal tonight, which is bad because the reason Mandi cancelled rehearsal is that we had an actor drop out today but good because I don't have to be at the theatre from 8:00 until 11:00 as usual. So I think I'm going to watch Lost and continue to put off studying and homework as long as possible.
I did get a second member for my thesis committee today, though! Now I'm just waiting to hear back from one more person and I'll be good to go on with the teeny tiny baby steps of my thesis.
*Do you have any words that you have to look up in a dictionary every. single. time. you spell them? Mine are occasional/ly and misspell. And recommend. I always want to stick two c's in that one, although just recently I finally managed to convince myself that it really is just "re commend", as in to commend someone again. Which I know isn't the definiton, but thinking about it like that helps me spell it. And you'd think I could do the same thing by realizing that the root of occasional and occur are the same, but no. I'm always firmly convinced that it should be spelled ocassional.
And I'd be all into my rant and I'd be feeling pretty seriously sad about it, but then suddenly as if I were watching myself from a distance I'd think, "What are you doing? You don't actually think most of those things. And even if at this exact moment he were to suddenly have a change of heart and say that he wants to spend the rest of his life with you, would you actually say yes?"
And so I thought about that for a while, and I went, "Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No." Which I guess is probably a no, huh?
So I don't know why I still obsess about this sometimes. Overall I've gotten so much better. I look at the spot I'm in now and compare it to the spot I was in six months ago and I realize that I'm doing great now, especially in comparison to where I was. And I have no reason to believe it won't just keep getting better and better, especially if every other aspect of my life continues to go as well as it is right now.
The other thing is, I know most of the time that I have nothing to worry about. The odds are still very much in my favor that I'll find someone that I actually want to spend my life with. Somewhere out there there's a guy that's basically Mike plus a few more positive traits and minus all of the complications seven years have heaped on us. And one of these days with any luck he and I will stumble across each other. Just because it's probably not going to happen this year in Texas doesn't mean it's not going to happen ever.
And the other thing I realize when I'm being sane (which is almost 100% of the time these days, I'm happy to report) is that I really am okay on my own. I've always liked my own company better than the company of anybody else. I like a lot of people, but I'm an introvert at heart. As a kid I was happiest playing games and writing stories in my room by myself. As an adult I'm most relaxed here in my apartment with Food Network and Cohen and a play to read. I like going out and having a social life, but I ultimately end up choosing to spend a lot of time alone (I will say, however, that being alone is only fun when it's actually by choice and not just because I don't have any other options. I am comfortable being alone mostly because I know that I do have friends I could call up if I felt like. And I don't think that fact is ever going to change, hopefully). So yes, I realize that even if somehow I do end up falling into the 10% of people that never find someone they love enough to want to start a family with, well, I think I can hack it on my own. I have good friends and a good family, which is more than a lot of people have. I have my animals, I have my hobbies, I think I'll have an interesting career, and when I'm old enough and ready I know I'll have a son or daughter, even if I have to accomplish that dream in a non-traditional way. And I can envision that sort of lifestyle; teaching and writing during the school year, maybe doing some directing, going out with colleagues sometimes, maybe even going on the occasional* date, training a whole pack of basset hounds to do obedience or be therapy dogs, boarding the dogs and going abroad each summer (since the one obvious benefit to being single is more money to spend on ME!). I mean, I can see all of that, and see how it would make me happy, too.
So I don't know why I still get all melodramatic and panicky sometimes, but I'm also able to snap myself out of it pretty quickly now. I think the next step will be keeping melodramatic rants to myself. Because that's just smart.
The thing is, I had a really good weekend, too. I made a small stack of money on Saturday night, which made me happy even though I was there until closing time because I had one table that would not stop drinking. Matthew was in town this weekend, so I spent some time with him and amongst other things we went to a birthday party for his sister's cat. Proof that my sister and I aren't the only nutty people in the world who celebrate our pets' birthdays with actual parties involving party hats and cake! (Oh, we're crazy, I know, but at least we're not the only ones). Yesterday I hung out with my sister and we saw Little Miss Sunshine, which I really liked. I know everybody is raving about it and I don't have anything enlightening to add, but the hype is well-deserved, in my opinion. I may actually buy it once it's available on DVD, and that's about the highest honor I can give a film since everybody who knows me knows I do not buy DVDs. I have exactly 19 DVDs. I mean, there are lots of movies that I think are pretty good, and that I'd probably watch again if they were on TV or whatever. But there aren't many movies that I love so much I want to own them so I have the option of watching them over and over and over again. But I think this one is worthy of being added to my collection eventually.
Here is my current collection, for the record. Just so you can see my taste in movies before you actually bother taking any recommendations* from me. Also, I can think of three or four more movies off the top of my head that I'd like to add to this collection, but not many. Most of the ones I do still want to add are older movies. And most of these I just love for personal reasons and not because they're actually brilliant movies (although many of them are).
1) Almost Famous
2) Amelie
3) The Big Chill
4) Chicago
5) Closer
6) Confessions of a Dangerous Mind
7) Far From Heaven
8) Fight Club
9) Garden State
10) The Graduate
11) Lord of the Rings (the first one. And actually, this one is sort of a fluke. It was $2 in the Missing Cover Art bin at some video store, so I bought it because it was two bucks and I like it enough, not because I actually love it. I do like it quite a lot, but obviously not enough to bother actually buying the other two)
12) Memento
13) Pulp Fiction
14) The Royal Tenenbaums
15) Sense and Sensibility
16) Snatch
17) The Sound of Music
18) Tootsie
19) Waiting for Guffman
That's it. That's my entire DVD collection. Oh, except that I do have every episode of Sex and the City except season one (which somehow got lost in my last move), season one of The Aqua Teen Hunger Force, and Angels in America (which is more of a mini-series than a movie, although it's WONDERFUL and if you've never seen it you should rent it immediately. I re-read the play all the time). Also, I didn't realize my DVDs were in alphabetical order until just now. I have a feeling that was my sister's doing, since I may be pretty anal but even I don't actually alphabetize books and DVDs.
Anyway, I don't have to go to rehearsal tonight, which is bad because the reason Mandi cancelled rehearsal is that we had an actor drop out today but good because I don't have to be at the theatre from 8:00 until 11:00 as usual. So I think I'm going to watch Lost and continue to put off studying and homework as long as possible.
I did get a second member for my thesis committee today, though! Now I'm just waiting to hear back from one more person and I'll be good to go on with the teeny tiny baby steps of my thesis.
*Do you have any words that you have to look up in a dictionary every. single. time. you spell them? Mine are occasional/ly and misspell. And recommend. I always want to stick two c's in that one, although just recently I finally managed to convince myself that it really is just "re commend", as in to commend someone again. Which I know isn't the definiton, but thinking about it like that helps me spell it. And you'd think I could do the same thing by realizing that the root of occasional and occur are the same, but no. I'm always firmly convinced that it should be spelled ocassional.
Friday, September 15, 2006
A Message From Your Friendly Neighborhood Waitress
Here's a message from your friendly neighborhood waitress.
But before I go on, check out that link. We've been talking about this book at work this week because all the company head honchos are going to be in San Antonio soon for a book signing and so we're suddenly on this stupid cleaning kick on the off chance that they'll actually stop by our restaurant. I haven't read this book and I'm not going to, because I can tell just by hearing about it that I would HATE it. An alternate title for the book could be "Everything Ashley Hates About America Right Now."
Here's a quote about the book from the page, if you're feeling too lazy to click the link:
In a unified, third-person voice, the three [authors] declare their intention to "help twenty-first-century American leaders think anew about the people they serve—a people that, despite an increasingly multiracial society, "seem to be seeking more homogeneity in their lifestyle choices." Since the 1990s, they argue, the key to winning the hearts, dollars and votes of the American public and its leaders is appealing to "the three C's, connections, community, and civic engagement." Drawing on interviews with the middle class "exurb" residents who eat at Applebee's restaurants, as well as their own inside knowledge, the authors declare that the pattern holds across the greater part of the American spectrum. Though their narrow interview sample is a weakness, they draw conclusions about the political arena, where lifelong Democrats voted for Bush in 2004 on "gut instinct"; the business world, where customers at the more than 1,700 Applebee's restaurants deem it "a second home"; and in megachurches, which fulfill Americans "need for belonging and purpose in a new century."
I don't know why I'm so worked up about this, but if I can't rant about it here then where can I? Agree, disagree, whatever. But here are the problems I have with just that single paragraph:
1) Actually, before we even get into the paragraph, let me just say that I have major, major problems with the idea of the Applebee's corporation as a good role model, or ANY part of "corporate America" as a good role model, really. As the daughter of a "Mom and Pop" restaurant owner I obviously have something personal at stake here, and the fact that I want my father and everyone else like him to be able to continue to be successful has a lot to do with my general disdain for chain restaurants. I'm not going to try to pretend I'm not a hypocrite. After all, I eat at Chili's and the like just as often as anyone else. I'm also not saying that there aren't some damn good chains out there, because there are. (P.F. Changs, anyone?) And some megacorporations are obviously better than others, and who's to say that Applebee's isn't in fact one of the better ones? I'm just going to go out on a limb here and say that in terms of fair treatment, a caring and concerned work environment, and so forth, a small, non-corporate workplace is going to be better than a giant corporation 9 out of 10 times. It does get complicated. My parents, as much as they care about their employees, can't possibly provide benefits to everyone simply because they're not a huge, multi-million dollar corporation. So there are disadvantages, sure. Obviously there are way too many factors for me to possibly break it all down here. All I will say is that if I dropped dead tomorrow I'm pretty sure that the Applebees corporation wouldn't give a damn, and probably wouldn't even notice. So no, I don't think this is a model to emulate or admire. That whole "Howdy neighbor!" feel is nothing but a facade, and the fact that there's an entire book glorifying that facade is very depressing to me.
2) "a people that, despite an increasingly multiracial society, "seem to be seeking more homogeneity in their lifestyle choices." I think this is pure crap. It's a chicken-or-the-egg thing. Are we as a nation really wanting everything to become homogenous across all cultural groups and seeking out generic places? Or are we being forced into a homogeneity of lifestyle choices because Applebees/Starbucks/Walmart/Barnes and Noble/pick your corporation of choice are monopolizing the market and forcing any other options out of business? There's something to be said about convenience, and there's a lot to be said for cheap prices. I get that. But you can't convince me that we're really such sheep. I want things to be different. I don't want San Antonio and Boston and Seattle and New Orleans to be completely generic and interchangable, and you can't make me believe that anyone else in their right mind wants that, either.
3) "Drawing on interviews with the middle class "exurb" residents who eat at Applebee's restaurants, as well as their own inside knowledge, the authors declare that the pattern holds across the greater part of the American spectrum." Fine. Fine, I'll admit it. I will admit that the customers that frequent Applebees for microwaved steak dinners are probably a pretty good sample of your average middle class American. But that fact is fucking depressing as hell. Because if that's true then the majority of Americans are a) kind of stupid, b) boring, c) lacking in some very basic social skills [when the fuck will this country learn how to tip?!], d) close-minded, and e) sadly deprived of cultural experiences [I get that a variety of"cultural experiences" as I mean it in this sense-and really, that's a poor way of expressing what I mean-are directly proportional to how much money a person has. I've had that thrown in my face many times: "Don't be so judgmental, not everyone grows up with the money to have the experiences you had." And I get that. I get how lucky I am, BELIEVE ME. I honestly do say thank you to God/gods every night that I was born me and not somebody else. I've been very lucky so far. But the fact that a lack of money keeps otherwise intelligent people trapped in a tiny, close-minded world is a fact that I hate and would love to change in an ideal society. Every single person should be given many, many opportunities to read great books, and have theatre experiences, and travel outside of the town they were born in to both better and worse places, and see thought-provoking films, and eat tuna that didn't come out of a can, and meet people of different races and sexual preferences, and all of these things should happen more than once or twice in an entire 13-year education. I could go on and on about this for days, and if I ever somehow magically have major money in my life I promise right now that I'll be spending very large amounts of it on making sure that as many people as possible get all of those opportunities and more. I'd love to fund study-abroad scholarships, for one thing.]
4) "Though their narrow interview sample is a weakness" So the entire damn book is based on poor research practices. That's the most important sentence in the entire paragraph and the fact that pretty much everyone will ignore. There are many, many, many Americans that don't fit the Applebee's demographic. And yet there's a certain element at work in our society right now that's out to make all of us that don't fit that demographic feel subversive, and un-American. And there's something very wrong with that.
5) "lifelong Democrats voted for Bush in 2004 on "gut instinct" Well, whoop-de-do. I'd venture to say most Americans vote on "gut instinct". And that's not a good thing. We vote on "gut instinct" because we don't bother to learn enough details about the candidates and the platforms to truly make an informed decision, so all we're left with is that gut instinct. That, or we dislike all the candidates so much that we just have to trust our gut instinct to choose the lesser of two evils even though we don't agree with the majority of either platform (admittedly, that's how I made my choice in the last presidential election: who do I hate less?). This is assuming that we bother to vote at all, of course, and most of us don't.
6) "and in megachurches, which fulfill Americans "need for belonging and purpose in a new century." In my mind, megachurches represent everything that is wrong in the world today. There is nothing uplifting about a church with 10,000 members and a pastor that needs a microphone and a rock band and a lighting designer to get his message across. I believe religion should be a deeply personal thing, and how can anyone get personal attention in an environment like that? I realize I'm sort of biased about this because my general feeling on organized religion is "eh". I was raised Lutheran, but nowadays my feelings about organized religion are very complex. My parents claim that everybody goes through this and I'll come back to the church when I'm older, and who knows, maybe they're right. But as of right now I haven't been to church in probably three years, and I don't feel like I'm missing much. There are certain things I really like about church. I like it as a place to build a sense of unique community. Singles groups, groups for people with specific issues, youth groups, community service groups, I can get behind all of that. I wish there were more non-religious groups like that, actually. I also like church purely as a place for gathering knowledge. Whether I ultimately choose to have faith in what I learned from the Bible or not, I am still glad I had all that Bible study as a kid just to understand all the references you come across in everyday life. This is still very much a predominantly Christian society and anyone that doesn't know at least the basics is at a disadvantage. But the older I get, the more I just can't support many of the church teachings. I'm just going to come right out and say it: I don't see how any intelligent person couldn't at least question the whole Jesus thing. To me, blind faith is an act of stupidity, not something to be admired. I'm not an atheist. I definitely believe there is some sort of higher power and that there is some ultimate purpose in life. And I desperately want to believe that there is some sort of afterlife, if only because I want to know that when I lose someone in this life it's not really, truly the last time I'll ever be with them in some way. But I guess these days I'm sort of agnostic more than anything else, because I absolutely believe that there's some sort of higher power but I don't think I have the ability to understand it and figure it out. And I don't think anybody else does either. I need to see the logic in something to have faith in it, and there's very little logic in Christianity or any religion, for that matter. Some days I think I'm on the verge of a sense of spirituality and religion that works for me. A couple of years ago my friend Meg and I got sort of jokingly got obsessed with pagan holidays for a while, but then I started actually doing more research and I hate that there's such a stigma attached to that and that so many pagans seem to be those sort of witch wannabes in t-shirts with wolves silk-screened on them (Kymberli will get that reference, even if no one else does) because, honestly? And I can't believe I'm admitting this...but a lot of pagan beliefs click with me more than anything else. If I have to have faith in something to survive in this world, trying to believe in females as higher beings or at least equal to men and a sense of energy flowing throughout the world (which actually IS logical to me) and teachings that accept sex and birth and death all as natural parts of life that shouldn't be secretive or shameful, and that accept all types of people even if they don't believe the same thing, well...I can try to find faith in that much more easily than I can try to find faith in a man who walked the earth two thousand years ago claiming to be the son of God and a religion that--if the crazy conservatives are to be believed--says that women should be subservient to men, that some of the most loving, amazing, wonderful, good-hearted people I know are evil and will burn in hell just because they happen to fall in love with people of the same sex, that sex in general is wrong, and that if you don't believe exactly what the group believes, well, you're fucked.
I just can't get behind the idea of being a disciple to others. Everyone should have the right to believe what they want to believe. How does my not having faith in Jesus Christ possibly have any affect on those that do? I'll just stay over here doing my thing, and you can stay over there doing your thing and praying for my soul or whatever. Just don't pray to my face and try to force me over to your side, and we'll all be happy.
I believe in the golden rule. I believe that we should all treat others as we want to be treated. And I believe that a) that fundamental rule can be taught without any sort of Christian overtones and b) the majority of super-Conservative Christians don't seem to understand that fundamental rule.
At any rate, megachurches scare me. It's just one more way that Americans are being sheep. It's very cult-like, and the whole phenomenon frightens me.
And incidentally, I think there are a lot more people out there in the world that feel like me than there are religious fanatics. So why does it seem like the fanatics have such an advantage right now?
Ugh. Anyway, I have a feeling I just rambled and that made no sense at all whatsoever. But thinking about that book really knots me up inside, so I had to get that out. And that's about as religious or political as this thing will probably ever get, incidentally. I'm not a great debater and while I think I have more compelling arguments than, say, "because God says so," I still shy away from talking about topics like this because I think there are plenty of people out there who could make my exact same points in a much more logical and profound way than I ever could. So yeah.
And now that the introduction has become THE WHOLE ENTIRE ENTRY, let me just wrap up with what I was going to say originally:
When you're out with your group of friends at a restaurant, and you're a young college student (probably just out of high school) and you think you're being really cute and amusing as it takes you all ten minutes to debate about what you want to eat and you're all talking really loudly and laughing extremely loudly and then you somehow manage to knock over not one, not two, but THREE glasses of water in a two minute period and you have to shriek and leap over to the next table and one of you has to literally fall on the floor laughing and everyone in the entire restaurant is staring at you? Contrary to what you may believe, those looks are not saying, "Ah, the exuberance of youth. How I wish I was carefree and in college again and spending a Friday afternoon laughing with my friends!" They're saying, "Quit making a fucking scene and shut up so I can eat my meal and enjoy the company of my table instead of having to listen to every word you scream across the restaurant."
Keep that in mind in the future.
And yes, I'm being a total hypocrite for the second time in this entry because I admit that I've been part of that scene-making table before, more times than I actually care to admit. But having experienced it from the other side, I'm really, really going to try to not let it happen again.
But before I go on, check out that link. We've been talking about this book at work this week because all the company head honchos are going to be in San Antonio soon for a book signing and so we're suddenly on this stupid cleaning kick on the off chance that they'll actually stop by our restaurant. I haven't read this book and I'm not going to, because I can tell just by hearing about it that I would HATE it. An alternate title for the book could be "Everything Ashley Hates About America Right Now."
Here's a quote about the book from the page, if you're feeling too lazy to click the link:
In a unified, third-person voice, the three [authors] declare their intention to "help twenty-first-century American leaders think anew about the people they serve—a people that, despite an increasingly multiracial society, "seem to be seeking more homogeneity in their lifestyle choices." Since the 1990s, they argue, the key to winning the hearts, dollars and votes of the American public and its leaders is appealing to "the three C's, connections, community, and civic engagement." Drawing on interviews with the middle class "exurb" residents who eat at Applebee's restaurants, as well as their own inside knowledge, the authors declare that the pattern holds across the greater part of the American spectrum. Though their narrow interview sample is a weakness, they draw conclusions about the political arena, where lifelong Democrats voted for Bush in 2004 on "gut instinct"; the business world, where customers at the more than 1,700 Applebee's restaurants deem it "a second home"; and in megachurches, which fulfill Americans "need for belonging and purpose in a new century."
I don't know why I'm so worked up about this, but if I can't rant about it here then where can I? Agree, disagree, whatever. But here are the problems I have with just that single paragraph:
1) Actually, before we even get into the paragraph, let me just say that I have major, major problems with the idea of the Applebee's corporation as a good role model, or ANY part of "corporate America" as a good role model, really. As the daughter of a "Mom and Pop" restaurant owner I obviously have something personal at stake here, and the fact that I want my father and everyone else like him to be able to continue to be successful has a lot to do with my general disdain for chain restaurants. I'm not going to try to pretend I'm not a hypocrite. After all, I eat at Chili's and the like just as often as anyone else. I'm also not saying that there aren't some damn good chains out there, because there are. (P.F. Changs, anyone?) And some megacorporations are obviously better than others, and who's to say that Applebee's isn't in fact one of the better ones? I'm just going to go out on a limb here and say that in terms of fair treatment, a caring and concerned work environment, and so forth, a small, non-corporate workplace is going to be better than a giant corporation 9 out of 10 times. It does get complicated. My parents, as much as they care about their employees, can't possibly provide benefits to everyone simply because they're not a huge, multi-million dollar corporation. So there are disadvantages, sure. Obviously there are way too many factors for me to possibly break it all down here. All I will say is that if I dropped dead tomorrow I'm pretty sure that the Applebees corporation wouldn't give a damn, and probably wouldn't even notice. So no, I don't think this is a model to emulate or admire. That whole "Howdy neighbor!" feel is nothing but a facade, and the fact that there's an entire book glorifying that facade is very depressing to me.
2) "a people that, despite an increasingly multiracial society, "seem to be seeking more homogeneity in their lifestyle choices." I think this is pure crap. It's a chicken-or-the-egg thing. Are we as a nation really wanting everything to become homogenous across all cultural groups and seeking out generic places? Or are we being forced into a homogeneity of lifestyle choices because Applebees/Starbucks/Walmart/Barnes and Noble/pick your corporation of choice are monopolizing the market and forcing any other options out of business? There's something to be said about convenience, and there's a lot to be said for cheap prices. I get that. But you can't convince me that we're really such sheep. I want things to be different. I don't want San Antonio and Boston and Seattle and New Orleans to be completely generic and interchangable, and you can't make me believe that anyone else in their right mind wants that, either.
3) "Drawing on interviews with the middle class "exurb" residents who eat at Applebee's restaurants, as well as their own inside knowledge, the authors declare that the pattern holds across the greater part of the American spectrum." Fine. Fine, I'll admit it. I will admit that the customers that frequent Applebees for microwaved steak dinners are probably a pretty good sample of your average middle class American. But that fact is fucking depressing as hell. Because if that's true then the majority of Americans are a) kind of stupid, b) boring, c) lacking in some very basic social skills [when the fuck will this country learn how to tip?!], d) close-minded, and e) sadly deprived of cultural experiences [I get that a variety of"cultural experiences" as I mean it in this sense-and really, that's a poor way of expressing what I mean-are directly proportional to how much money a person has. I've had that thrown in my face many times: "Don't be so judgmental, not everyone grows up with the money to have the experiences you had." And I get that. I get how lucky I am, BELIEVE ME. I honestly do say thank you to God/gods every night that I was born me and not somebody else. I've been very lucky so far. But the fact that a lack of money keeps otherwise intelligent people trapped in a tiny, close-minded world is a fact that I hate and would love to change in an ideal society. Every single person should be given many, many opportunities to read great books, and have theatre experiences, and travel outside of the town they were born in to both better and worse places, and see thought-provoking films, and eat tuna that didn't come out of a can, and meet people of different races and sexual preferences, and all of these things should happen more than once or twice in an entire 13-year education. I could go on and on about this for days, and if I ever somehow magically have major money in my life I promise right now that I'll be spending very large amounts of it on making sure that as many people as possible get all of those opportunities and more. I'd love to fund study-abroad scholarships, for one thing.]
4) "Though their narrow interview sample is a weakness" So the entire damn book is based on poor research practices. That's the most important sentence in the entire paragraph and the fact that pretty much everyone will ignore. There are many, many, many Americans that don't fit the Applebee's demographic. And yet there's a certain element at work in our society right now that's out to make all of us that don't fit that demographic feel subversive, and un-American. And there's something very wrong with that.
5) "lifelong Democrats voted for Bush in 2004 on "gut instinct" Well, whoop-de-do. I'd venture to say most Americans vote on "gut instinct". And that's not a good thing. We vote on "gut instinct" because we don't bother to learn enough details about the candidates and the platforms to truly make an informed decision, so all we're left with is that gut instinct. That, or we dislike all the candidates so much that we just have to trust our gut instinct to choose the lesser of two evils even though we don't agree with the majority of either platform (admittedly, that's how I made my choice in the last presidential election: who do I hate less?). This is assuming that we bother to vote at all, of course, and most of us don't.
6) "and in megachurches, which fulfill Americans "need for belonging and purpose in a new century." In my mind, megachurches represent everything that is wrong in the world today. There is nothing uplifting about a church with 10,000 members and a pastor that needs a microphone and a rock band and a lighting designer to get his message across. I believe religion should be a deeply personal thing, and how can anyone get personal attention in an environment like that? I realize I'm sort of biased about this because my general feeling on organized religion is "eh". I was raised Lutheran, but nowadays my feelings about organized religion are very complex. My parents claim that everybody goes through this and I'll come back to the church when I'm older, and who knows, maybe they're right. But as of right now I haven't been to church in probably three years, and I don't feel like I'm missing much. There are certain things I really like about church. I like it as a place to build a sense of unique community. Singles groups, groups for people with specific issues, youth groups, community service groups, I can get behind all of that. I wish there were more non-religious groups like that, actually. I also like church purely as a place for gathering knowledge. Whether I ultimately choose to have faith in what I learned from the Bible or not, I am still glad I had all that Bible study as a kid just to understand all the references you come across in everyday life. This is still very much a predominantly Christian society and anyone that doesn't know at least the basics is at a disadvantage. But the older I get, the more I just can't support many of the church teachings. I'm just going to come right out and say it: I don't see how any intelligent person couldn't at least question the whole Jesus thing. To me, blind faith is an act of stupidity, not something to be admired. I'm not an atheist. I definitely believe there is some sort of higher power and that there is some ultimate purpose in life. And I desperately want to believe that there is some sort of afterlife, if only because I want to know that when I lose someone in this life it's not really, truly the last time I'll ever be with them in some way. But I guess these days I'm sort of agnostic more than anything else, because I absolutely believe that there's some sort of higher power but I don't think I have the ability to understand it and figure it out. And I don't think anybody else does either. I need to see the logic in something to have faith in it, and there's very little logic in Christianity or any religion, for that matter. Some days I think I'm on the verge of a sense of spirituality and religion that works for me. A couple of years ago my friend Meg and I got sort of jokingly got obsessed with pagan holidays for a while, but then I started actually doing more research and I hate that there's such a stigma attached to that and that so many pagans seem to be those sort of witch wannabes in t-shirts with wolves silk-screened on them (Kymberli will get that reference, even if no one else does) because, honestly? And I can't believe I'm admitting this...but a lot of pagan beliefs click with me more than anything else. If I have to have faith in something to survive in this world, trying to believe in females as higher beings or at least equal to men and a sense of energy flowing throughout the world (which actually IS logical to me) and teachings that accept sex and birth and death all as natural parts of life that shouldn't be secretive or shameful, and that accept all types of people even if they don't believe the same thing, well...I can try to find faith in that much more easily than I can try to find faith in a man who walked the earth two thousand years ago claiming to be the son of God and a religion that--if the crazy conservatives are to be believed--says that women should be subservient to men, that some of the most loving, amazing, wonderful, good-hearted people I know are evil and will burn in hell just because they happen to fall in love with people of the same sex, that sex in general is wrong, and that if you don't believe exactly what the group believes, well, you're fucked.
I just can't get behind the idea of being a disciple to others. Everyone should have the right to believe what they want to believe. How does my not having faith in Jesus Christ possibly have any affect on those that do? I'll just stay over here doing my thing, and you can stay over there doing your thing and praying for my soul or whatever. Just don't pray to my face and try to force me over to your side, and we'll all be happy.
I believe in the golden rule. I believe that we should all treat others as we want to be treated. And I believe that a) that fundamental rule can be taught without any sort of Christian overtones and b) the majority of super-Conservative Christians don't seem to understand that fundamental rule.
At any rate, megachurches scare me. It's just one more way that Americans are being sheep. It's very cult-like, and the whole phenomenon frightens me.
And incidentally, I think there are a lot more people out there in the world that feel like me than there are religious fanatics. So why does it seem like the fanatics have such an advantage right now?
Ugh. Anyway, I have a feeling I just rambled and that made no sense at all whatsoever. But thinking about that book really knots me up inside, so I had to get that out. And that's about as religious or political as this thing will probably ever get, incidentally. I'm not a great debater and while I think I have more compelling arguments than, say, "because God says so," I still shy away from talking about topics like this because I think there are plenty of people out there who could make my exact same points in a much more logical and profound way than I ever could. So yeah.
And now that the introduction has become THE WHOLE ENTIRE ENTRY, let me just wrap up with what I was going to say originally:
When you're out with your group of friends at a restaurant, and you're a young college student (probably just out of high school) and you think you're being really cute and amusing as it takes you all ten minutes to debate about what you want to eat and you're all talking really loudly and laughing extremely loudly and then you somehow manage to knock over not one, not two, but THREE glasses of water in a two minute period and you have to shriek and leap over to the next table and one of you has to literally fall on the floor laughing and everyone in the entire restaurant is staring at you? Contrary to what you may believe, those looks are not saying, "Ah, the exuberance of youth. How I wish I was carefree and in college again and spending a Friday afternoon laughing with my friends!" They're saying, "Quit making a fucking scene and shut up so I can eat my meal and enjoy the company of my table instead of having to listen to every word you scream across the restaurant."
Keep that in mind in the future.
And yes, I'm being a total hypocrite for the second time in this entry because I admit that I've been part of that scene-making table before, more times than I actually care to admit. But having experienced it from the other side, I'm really, really going to try to not let it happen again.
Thursday, September 14, 2006
Long Day
Wow, I'm tired. Today has been a really, really long day. Work this morning feels like it was about six days ago.
I waited tables for 3 1/2 hours this morning/afternoon, then finished box office orientations for all my freshmen workers (and thank the lord those are over, it just gets so tedious repeating myself to a new group every half hour), then went to my Backgrounds of Modern Theatre class, then stage managed Mandi's rehearsal for 2 1/2 hours, and by that time it was 10:30 PM and I'd been running around since 10 AM without a break. Damn. At least it's the weekend now.
I don't really have anything interesting to say. Oh, but good news! Amanda and Dr. C both got accepted to the conference as well, which is great because now I don't have to go to Ohio by myself! Dr. S told Amanda, "I can just see it now...you and Dr. C will start drinking and Ashley will be shaking her head and saying, 'This isn't a good idea'". Amanda told him that clearly he doesn't know me very well! Haha. Yet another person utterly convinced for no good reason at all whatsoever that I'm sweet and innocent.
I'm in the process of trying to pick my thesis committee, which is stressing me out for no reason. I don't know why it's so hard for me to just knock on a professor's door and say, "Hi, would you consider being a reader on my thesis committee?" I only need two readers and I already know who I want, ideally, but I just can't bring myself to ask for some reason. What's the worst that can possibly happen? They'll say, "No, sorry, I'm too busy," or maybe even, "Who the hell are you? You were in my directing class last year? Really?" and neither of those responses are the end of the world. Well, okay, the second one would suck. But I also don't think the second one would really happen. So yeah, I don't know why this is stressing me out so much. I'm such a baby sometimes.
However, I did finally get up the nerve to talk to my Backgrounds professor tonight and tell her I'm going to have to miss her class twice, and she assured me that my absences won't negatively affect my grade unless I miss a third time. And there's no way I'm missing a third time. So that's reassuring.
So yeah. Everything is going fine on the school front, and everything is pretty dull in the rest of my life right now. I'm drama free at the moment, and while it makes for boring journal entries it makes for a pretty nice life.
Finally, I did this palm reading thing today. The whole thing is probably crap, but here are the notable points:
-I think the reading was COMPLETELY off when it comes to my life line, since it claimed I like to live in the moment and don't worry about the past or future, and we all know that's total crap. I try not to worry much about the past, that's true, but I can't freakin' stop thinking about the future, even when I want to.
-My head line indicates that I'm equally comfortable as both a leader and a follower. I was pegged dead on when it said taking charge is not something I usually want and I'm happy to step aside and let someone else take the lead but if no one else steps up I know I'm capable of taking a leadership role. It also said I'm rational and analytical (surprise, surprise) but that my complex though process could come off as being unusual or convoluted. I think that's pretty dead on as well.
-My heart line indicates that I have commitment issues. I find this interesting, only because it's about the fourth or fifth time in my life these stupid palm reading/astrology/numerology things have indicated that I have problems with emotional commitment in relationships and when it comes up that often you can't help but wonder if it's true. It also indicates that people that don't know me well may find me distant, and I agree with that part 100%. But honestly, I've never had trouble being loyal and committed in relationships...so far. My heart line also indicates that I'm very analytical about my relationships and I spend a lot of time trying to understand my relationships. Can't deny that.
-I'm very focused on goals and will be successful in a creative career. Awesome.
-Most interesting, in my opinion, the attachment lines indicate that I will be married more than once or have several committed relationships that do not lead to marriage. I'm cool with that as long as it all shakes out that I have several committed relationships that don't lead to marriage but only one that does. 'Cause I'd really rather not have multiple marriages. I think I'd even rather never get married at all than get married and divorced...I think. My attachment lines also indicate that I'll have the opportunity to have at least one child, and of my child/children at least one will be a girl.
We'll see, palm. We'll see.
I waited tables for 3 1/2 hours this morning/afternoon, then finished box office orientations for all my freshmen workers (and thank the lord those are over, it just gets so tedious repeating myself to a new group every half hour), then went to my Backgrounds of Modern Theatre class, then stage managed Mandi's rehearsal for 2 1/2 hours, and by that time it was 10:30 PM and I'd been running around since 10 AM without a break. Damn. At least it's the weekend now.
I don't really have anything interesting to say. Oh, but good news! Amanda and Dr. C both got accepted to the conference as well, which is great because now I don't have to go to Ohio by myself! Dr. S told Amanda, "I can just see it now...you and Dr. C will start drinking and Ashley will be shaking her head and saying, 'This isn't a good idea'". Amanda told him that clearly he doesn't know me very well! Haha. Yet another person utterly convinced for no good reason at all whatsoever that I'm sweet and innocent.
I'm in the process of trying to pick my thesis committee, which is stressing me out for no reason. I don't know why it's so hard for me to just knock on a professor's door and say, "Hi, would you consider being a reader on my thesis committee?" I only need two readers and I already know who I want, ideally, but I just can't bring myself to ask for some reason. What's the worst that can possibly happen? They'll say, "No, sorry, I'm too busy," or maybe even, "Who the hell are you? You were in my directing class last year? Really?" and neither of those responses are the end of the world. Well, okay, the second one would suck. But I also don't think the second one would really happen. So yeah, I don't know why this is stressing me out so much. I'm such a baby sometimes.
However, I did finally get up the nerve to talk to my Backgrounds professor tonight and tell her I'm going to have to miss her class twice, and she assured me that my absences won't negatively affect my grade unless I miss a third time. And there's no way I'm missing a third time. So that's reassuring.
So yeah. Everything is going fine on the school front, and everything is pretty dull in the rest of my life right now. I'm drama free at the moment, and while it makes for boring journal entries it makes for a pretty nice life.
Finally, I did this palm reading thing today. The whole thing is probably crap, but here are the notable points:
-I think the reading was COMPLETELY off when it comes to my life line, since it claimed I like to live in the moment and don't worry about the past or future, and we all know that's total crap. I try not to worry much about the past, that's true, but I can't freakin' stop thinking about the future, even when I want to.
-My head line indicates that I'm equally comfortable as both a leader and a follower. I was pegged dead on when it said taking charge is not something I usually want and I'm happy to step aside and let someone else take the lead but if no one else steps up I know I'm capable of taking a leadership role. It also said I'm rational and analytical (surprise, surprise) but that my complex though process could come off as being unusual or convoluted. I think that's pretty dead on as well.
-My heart line indicates that I have commitment issues. I find this interesting, only because it's about the fourth or fifth time in my life these stupid palm reading/astrology/numerology things have indicated that I have problems with emotional commitment in relationships and when it comes up that often you can't help but wonder if it's true. It also indicates that people that don't know me well may find me distant, and I agree with that part 100%. But honestly, I've never had trouble being loyal and committed in relationships...so far. My heart line also indicates that I'm very analytical about my relationships and I spend a lot of time trying to understand my relationships. Can't deny that.
-I'm very focused on goals and will be successful in a creative career. Awesome.
-Most interesting, in my opinion, the attachment lines indicate that I will be married more than once or have several committed relationships that do not lead to marriage. I'm cool with that as long as it all shakes out that I have several committed relationships that don't lead to marriage but only one that does. 'Cause I'd really rather not have multiple marriages. I think I'd even rather never get married at all than get married and divorced...I think. My attachment lines also indicate that I'll have the opportunity to have at least one child, and of my child/children at least one will be a girl.
We'll see, palm. We'll see.
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