Senseless Worry Day Is My Least Favorite Day of the Year

Remember the time I went slightly insane one afternoon because I started seriously researching doctoral programs in dramaturgy on the internet and realized:

A) There are really only a little more than a dozen such programs in the country (that come up in a Google search, anyway, which is possibly not the most efficient way of doing this research, I know, I know, but it's a start).

B) More than a quarter of these programs are at schools like Yale or Columbia or Stanford and I shouldn't even try to delude myself into believing I could get accepted into any of those programs regardless of a 4.0 GPA and a good GRE score. I'm 23, have no real professional experience since I've been in school non-stop since I was 5, and have yet to publish a paper/present at a conference. I know what kind of credentials these programs are looking for, and they're not on my resume yet.

C) If I do opt to apply to some of these programs the majority of the applications are due December 15th, which seems pleasantly far in the future right now except that it's really not, especially when I have a major thesis project going for the next five months.

D) I have only a vague idea of how to go about finding the sort of job I want in theatre and the whole job search and networking process is daunting, to say the least. And I know I could always teach high school for a while but even searching for a high school job seems to be too much for me to handle.

E) No matter what happens I'm going to have to move somewhere other than here within the next year. There is absolutely nothing I can do here to advance my career once I finish school. And I really hate moving. And if by some miracle I do get into a doctoral program, the odds of me having to move to some crazy place like Iowa or Ohio or Massachusetts or California are very high. I can envision Massachusetts or California (not such crazy places, actually...or totally crazy, but in a sort of good way), but whenever I try to picture Iowa or Ohio I just draw a complete blank and can imagine nothing but farms and snow. I know there are other things in Iowa and Ohio...I hope there are other things in Iowa and Ohio if I'm even somewhat considering moving there...If I don't get into a doctoral program, then I really don't know what I'm going to do instead but I have a sinking feeling that at this time next year I'm going to be in some random temporary living arrangement in Austin or El Paso trying to get my act together and while I know that's a totally acceptable thing to do and the odds of moving seamlessly from one job to the next are pretty slim, I'm not too keen on unemployment.

F) Being in your early twenties kind of fundamentally sucks for people that like organized, planned lives, no matter how much fun may be had in the process.

Have you ever read The Time Traveler's Wife? I was late to jump on the bandwagon and just read it for the first time back in May, but I loved it. Amongst many other things it makes the point that time travel, especially time travel you can't control, isn't the awesomely fun thing you imagine it would be, but I fell in love with the idea of brief moments of time travel anyway. I would love more than anything to be able to see just five minutes of my life ten years from now. Where do I live? How am I making a living? Did I ever end up in a committed relationship or am I still single? Am I happy? At least contented?

Deep down I know everything is going to work itself out eventually and there's no point in stressing about it when there's really nothing I can do at the moment other than what I'm already doing, but I'd still like to know for a fact that it all works out okay.

Then again, maybe I'd find out that I'm miserable and depressed ten years from now. Or that I don't even exist ten years from now. Eeeee. I know that taking everything one day at a time is all I can do. But I still can't help freaking out like this about once every three months or so. It's just what I do.