The End

I'm still alive.

This week in El Paso has been full of ups and downs. Great moments with my family and friends, great moments with Mike, I don't regret making this trip.

But things with Mike and I are over. We had literally a three day discussion. We'd switch to other topics but always come back to talking about us and ultimately I realized today that it's just never going to work. He just doesn't want what I want out of life. As much as we love each other, we just aren't heading in the same direction. For us to ever be together one of us would have to make a huge sacrifice. I'm not going to do it, and I would never expect him to, either. I don't want to be with someone who is with me just because he has settled for me. I deserve more than that. He deserves more than that, too.

So I did the hardest thing I've done in my life. I can't just be friends with him. All that shit with Jenny proved to me that I'm incapable of just being his friend. I hope that I don't feel like this forever, but for right now I just know that as long as he's in my life I'm going to be hopeful that he will come around and change his mind and realize that what we have is special and worth the commitment. And I just can't hope like that anymore. It's not healthy for me. I just can't keep letting myself get hurt like that.

I don't want him out of my life permanently. I still like to think that we'll be friends for life. I just need a break right now. A long enough break to where when I talk to him again I don't analyze everything wondering if he's going to be with me again. A long enough break so that I can be around him and just appreciate the friendship without wondering when and if it's going to become something more. I told him not to talk to me anymore, that I'll talk to him again when and if I'm ready. He said he's never going to stop trying to talk to me, but I know he will. I am very afraid that I won't be able to enjoy life without him in it, and even more afraid that both of us will find out that we're better off without each other.

I can't really talk about this, it upsets me too much.

I'm okay, I know I have to be strong and I know that I need to get over all of this and move on. I know that. I just really wish it didn't all have to be so hard, and I wish I was more convinced that this actually is the right choice.