Imogen!!

Tonight was the Imogen Heap concert, and it was AWESOME!!!!!!! (All exclamation marks very well-deserved)
I tend to forget how much I love going to concerts until I'm actually at one. I forget how much I love being in a group of people that's all crazy about the same thing, especially when a hit song is played and the crowd goes crazy. I forget how fun it is to watch an artist perform and really pour their heart and soul out for you up there on the stage. I forget how cathartic it is to be at a concert, how I always leave feeling simultaneously energetic and relaxed and absolutely in awe. I'm blown away by musicians. So impressed, and also so jealous because singing and performing like that seems like it would be such an incredible emotional release, and I don't think I can do anything in my own life that would even come close to that. Writing is as close as I can get I think, but it's not remotely close enough. So I live vicariously through musicians. I think maybe we all do, to a certain extent.
Anyway, what can I say about Imogen Heap? If you aren't familiar with her and her music, you are missing out. Katy first turned me on to Imogen Heap when we were living together, and I'm so glad she did. It's hard to explain her musical style. Well, hard for me to explain anyway since I'm not a huge music buff. Most people either know her song "Hide and Seek" (which I believe gained popularity after getting some play on The O.C.) or know the stuff she did with the band Frou Frou (their most popular song is probably "Let Go", which plays at the very end of Garden State). So there's a starting point. I highly, highly recommend you check her out if you haven't already. Maybe her music won't reach out and grab you like it did me, but I think she's freakin' awesome. Her set tonight was great. She played at Stubbs in Austin and it was an outdoor concert, which was cool. She did a very good mix of new stuff and older favorites, and she also took a few requests, which amazed me (I don't think I've ever been at a concert where the artist actually responded to requests). She has good stage presence and she was great to her fans. She hung around afterwards and signed autographs for everyone who stayed. I normally never, ever hang out after shows but I did it because Matthew wanted to. I'm so glad I did. She was super friendly and signed a picture for me AND took a picture with me!


All in all, it was a fantastic evening. Definitely in my Top Five Concert Experiences of All Time, and I've seen...well, not a ton of concerts, but quite a few. And some of them really big. In fact, tonight I got to thinking that maybe I should make a list of people/groups I've seen in concert. I'm afraid I've already forgotten quite a few off the top of my head. Thankfully I keep my obsessive journal, so I could always go back through it and figure out exactly who I've seen in concert, but here's the basic list:
Madonna (at the MGM Grand in Las Vegas!!)
Dave Matthews Band (three times)
Tool (twice...hopefully soon to be three times, since I'm sure they'll do a big tour this year)
A Perfect Circle
Audioslave
Jane's Addiction
Jurassic Five
Pearl Jam
Pat Benatar
Blue Oyster Cult
Tommy Lee (I did not pay money for this, he happened to perform at a barbecue where I was serving beer)
Willie Nelson
The Beach Boys (well, the surviving members...you know how that goes)
Chicago
Three Dog Night
Tone Loc
2 Live Crew (Tone Loc and 2 Live Crew performed together at a frat party I went to once)
Vanilla Ice (performed on my college campus)
M.C. Hammer (I was 8. My first concert ever)
Bob Schneider
Cowboy Mouth
Matchbox Twenty
Everclear
Lifehouse
Common
Simon and Garfunkel (Giving a free concert at the Coliseum in Rome! Definitely one of the cooler things I've ever lucked into experiencing)
and now Imogen Heap

I'm positive I'm missing some. If you've been to a concert with me and it's not on this list, remind me. And I think one of my goals in life should definitely be to see more concerts. It sure does make me happy.

In other news, Matthew and I were discussing tonight what a terrible hag I make. He was telling me that he'd been talking about me with his sister and she told him that she thinks I'm pretty (awww) and she wondered why I don't have a boyfriend and then told Matthew, "Is it because she spends too much time with you?" Haha. I appreciated that his sister attempted to blame my single-ness on Matthew, but it's definitely not his fault. We don't spend nearly enough time together for me to be his official fag hag. Plus I would just suck at that.
For one thing, I don't think I get nearly excited enough about all his boys as a good hag should. Take this recent example:
To make a long story short(ish), Matthew lost touch with his first important boyfriend seven years ago. As in he lost touch with him entirely and had had no contact with him since summer of 1999. Recently Matthew sent me a sad IM one night, telling me that he was looking for this long-lost boy but was thinking he could very well be dead since there was a rumor he'd been working the street, gotten AIDS, and died. So I helped him look for this guy online for a while that night and found nothing, but reassured him that the odds of the friend actually being dead were very, very slim. Sure enough, two days later Matthew finally located him online after years of searching for him on and off. Why did this guy suddenly show up in a search now? I don't remember all the details, but suffice it to say Matthew found him and contacted him and he's going to Houston tomorrow to see this long-lost friend for the first time in years. Kymberli got really excited with Matthew and pointed out that he and long-l0st guy have in some ways been living parallel lives and were right under each other's noses in Austin several times over the past seven years. People he works with got incredibly excited and insisted that he HAD to go to Houston to see him, that it could all be fate. His sister was thrilled. And my reaction? In a nutshell: "Oh, cool. See, I told you he probably wasn't dead."
And then there's the whole fashion thing. If you've met me, you know that fashion really isn't my thing. I care about what I look like, but only to a certain extent. So when Matthew began talking on Monday about coordinating outfits for Thursday, I kind of just ignored that part of the conversation. Then when he mentioned it again on Tuesday I realized he was serious and was like, "We're really coordinating outfits?" and he said, "Well, I don't want us to look like twins." Um, trust me on this: the odds of me ever being remotely fashionable enough to look like Matthew's twin? ZERO. So I just kind of laughed and then he added, "Plus I don't want to get all cute and then you be in like, jeans and a spaghetti strap shirt. I mean, not that you'd ever wear jeans and a spaghetti strap shirt as an outfit to a concert." Except that I totally would wear jeans and a spaghetti strap shirt to a concert! Jeans with a spaghetti strap shirt is like, my uniform! Especially for going out! Does that not work as a fashion concept anymore?! What's a girl to do?! Luckily I was already planning to wear a flowy skirt to the concert because I knew it would be outdoors and crowded and I wanted to be as cool as possible. Plus later on I realized that when I think "spaghetti strap shirt" I'm thinking of the sparkly, dressy spaghetti strap shirts I wear out and that when Matthew said "spaghetti strap shirt" he probably meant the very plain ones that I use as workout clothes and pajamas. The Spaghetti Strap Shirt Spectrum is pretty broad, actually. Still, I think I fail the fashion portion of the hag test, too.

So, in summary:
Imogen Heap: AMAZING.
Ashley: Worst hag ever.
And I adore Matthew.
Tomorrow: off to the beach for the weekend!!

Just a Few Random Things

None of these ideas remotely flow together, so you're getting bullet points today.

• Have you seen the commercial for Preparation H with the man on the seesaw? Is anyone else completely horrified by this commercial? 'Cause I sure am.
• When I checked my box today my Dramaturgy stuff was back. I got a 95 on the paper and a 98 on the final exam, so that class will be an A for sure. So far it's 3 As and the only class I don't know about yet is Playwriting. We got our portfolios back at our "final" today, but he didn't write any grades or comments on them, which annoys me. I write a full one-act play and you can't bother to write a few comments on it? I'm going to be pretty pissed off if I don't get an A in that class, since I'm one of only six people (out of 25) that actually bothered to turn in every single assignment more or less on time. Surely actually completing all of the coursework should count for something right? Plus it's an undergrad/graduate tiered class, and I am going to kick myself if I can get an A in something as intense and complicated as graduate-level dramatic theory but only get a B in Playwriting.
• Yesterday evening I decided that I'd swim laps for my workout and when I was lying on a lounge chair reading afterwards I had the very happy realization that my body is definitely in better shape than it was last summer. I hadn't really noticed the last time I was wearing my swim suits because I was standing up all the time (in Padre), but now that I was actually lying down in my bathing suit I noticed that yup, I'm definitely in better shape. That made me happy. I think it's because of a combination of things. Last year I sprained my ankle and couldn't really work out for about seven weeks in the winter, and so by summer I still wasn't in the kind of shaped I'd have liked to be in. So part of it is just that I've been exercising more this year in general. I think I'm also eating a tiny bit better. Not MUCH better, but I do eat less fast food. The biggest lifestyle difference, honestly, is that I drink a lot less now than I did at this time last year. I hate to admit that so much of my little belly was a beer gut, but, well...
• They've been renovating the exterior of my apartment complex since spring break. Last week they finally got to the painting portion of the project. They decided on a color that I can't quite describe. It's green. Kinda...moss green? Avocado green? I don't know. The brick portion of the buildings is reddish brown, so the red and green work okay together. Plus it's better than the peach color that they initially tried on one of the buildings. The peach was god-awful, especially after Matthew began describing it as "the color of a vagina" (like he would even know!) so I'm glad the powers that be decided against that. But they painted the trim white, and this color of green really, really needs off-white trim. Don't ask me why, it just DOES. Plus they haven't painted the iron on the stairwells and patio and balcony fences yet, and I'm not sure what color they're going to do those. Right now they're still the old pine green color, which is clashing terribly with the new green color and the whole thing is just conspiring to subtly drive me crazy. Why do I even care about this? I don't know. I'll just be glad when all the renovating is over, especially since I can't put my patio furniture back out until they finish all the painting, and so every time I open my patio storage closet to get my cleaning supplies out my table and chairs come crashing out, too.
• My sister and I are making a trip to El Paso next week. My brother will already be home, so the whole family will be together for the first time since Christmas. Honestly, I have no real desire to go to El Paso. The only real reason I'm going is because I'm supposed to be in my friend Cassie's wedding in December and she kept asking when I was going to be home so that I could get fitted for my bridesmaid's dress. Honestly, in an ideal world, I wouldn't have to be in El Paso at all until Thanksgiving (by which time all the Mike drama will be a distant memory and El Paso won't be an emotionally painful place to be). But I realize Thanksgiving is too late to get measured for a dress that needs to be finished by December, so I decided I needed to make a summer trip to El Paso. I'm also rationalizing this trip by telling myself it's necessary to see my parents before I leave the country for three weeks. Actually, I do miss my parents. It will be good to see them. And since now I have to go to El Paso, Chelsea and I have decided to take our dogs with us and actually spend the majority of our time in Ruidoso. I love Ruidoso. It's not El Paso, so no negative Mike associations, I haven't been to the cabin in ages (the last time I remember being there was with Katy, which was spring break of last year), and I know Cohen is going to have a blast with all the new stuff to sniff. Plus no place relaxes me like the mountains, so that should be good. And I guess El Paso itself won't be too bad. It's just weird going there and literally having nobody to visit but my parents. There used to be a time when I could go to El Paso and get a whole group of friends together, now the only person that I'd really go out of my way to contact and see while I'm in town is Cassie. If I were to randomly run into other people (which always seems to be the case at holidays although probably won't be the case this time) that would be fine, fun even, but there's only one person I'd bother calling to say "Hey, I'm in town." All of my other friends from El Paso a) live elsewhere full time and if our trips to El Paso overlap it's just a coincidence, b) have basically lost touch with me, or c) have girlfriends and are no longer allowed to spend time hanging out with me.
  It's crazy what a difference five years makes.
  My sister was making me laugh, because she's pretty much in the same position of not having many friends in El Paso anymore and not particularly caring one way or another whether or not she finds the time to see the people who are there. She says the only reason she's going to El Paso is to get some real Mexican food. And I can second that! We were talking the other day about how we'd like to watch the first season of Grey's Anatomy, since neither of us started watching it until midway through this season. (The first episode I ever saw was the train wreck episode...what an episode to come in on!) I told Chelsea that I think we can probably rent the first season, and she said, "We can rent it and watch it while we're in El Paso! While we eat Mexican food!" So now we keep joking with each other that we're driving the 9 hours to El Paso solely to watch Grey's Anatomy and eat Mexican food which, no, you CANNOT do in Austin because there is no Julio's or L&J in Austin. So yeah, I'll be in El Paso/Ruidoso next week.
• But first I'm going to Galveston with Mandi for the weekend! That should be fun.
• Yeah, that's all I got. I'm off to read magazines and watch more TV.

Secret Single Behavior

I've been such a bum today, and it is wonderful. I slept until 1:00, worked out for an hour, lazed around the house reading and watching TV, finally went to the grocery store and did my big monthly stock up at about 6:00, and got home just in time to watch my Sunday night TV shows.
And I cooked tonight! I made turkey burgers seasoned with some paprika, McCormick's grill seasoning, garlic, and onion and...hmmm, something else was in there, but I forgot what. Anyway, they turned out really good. I did set the smoke alarm off, but lately the smoke alarm has been going off every single time I turn on the stove. I don't know if it's heat-sensitive or what, but tonight after it rang so long I thought my ear drums were going to explode I stood up on one of my bar stools and pounded on the inside of the smoke detector until it eventually stopped going off. Which means it's probably broken now. Shouldn't there be some sort of button on smoke detectors that you can push to make them stop going off? Is there a button that you can push to turn off smoke detectors and I just don't know where it is? Anyway, because I no longer have a functioning smoke alarm I'll probably be held responsible when building three burns to the ground, but I feel fairly confident that I'd detect a fire in this apartment even before a smoke detector would. The apartment is only a little over 500 square feet big. Plus even if a raging fire did somehow start in my kitchen while I was asleep in my bedroom, I could always escape through the door that leads to my patio. In other words, what I'm saying is, the odds are enough in my favor that I'm okay with the fact that I pounded my smoke alarm to death.
I'm proud of my cooking, except now I'm getting stuck in a rut again. Remember about a year ago when I was stuck in a rut of only trusting myself to make either desserts or appetizers that didn't involve any real meat (other than like, lunch meat)? And then I tried some pastas and got stuck on that? Well, I finally tackled my fear of cooking meat and have now made hamburgers, turkey burgers, and chicken patties in different varieties several times without dying from salmonella or e.coli. But now I realize that for the past couple of months all of my cooking projects have been burgers of some variety. So next up I think I need to do something that doesn't involve ground beef. I'm going to be a real cook yet, just wait and see...maybe soon I'll even be brave enough to cook for people other than my sister!
(P.S.-Why do I suddenly feel like a 1950s housewife?)

Anyway, I had a really enjoyable night cooking and eating and watching my Sunday night TV shows. Grey's Anatomy was a bit too melodramatic tonight, though, dontcha think? Although I did enjoy Meredith's little speech to McDreamy, mostly because I can totally relate. You broke me, you don't get to complain about how I choose to fix myself! HELL YEAH! Maybe the parallel will continue and I'll start dating a vet that looks exactly like Chris O'Donnell. I'd be okay with that. Incidentally, it's weird that he suddenly showed up on Grey's because I swear just a few weeks ago I was wondering whatever happened to him.

Speaking of dating, I was thinking tonight about one of the best things about being single. Namely, I only have to entertain myself. I was thinking today how I can be perfectly happy spending an entire day just like this: cooking a meal, lying on the couch reading blogs, watching The Sopranos. Throw a guy into the mix and suddenly I'd feel the need to be entertaining. I have to get pretty far into a relationship before I feel comfortable just going around the house doing my thing while my guy does his own thing. When I'm not in a relationship I forget how exhausting it can all be: in a relationship, especially the beginning of a relationship, there's such a need to be "on" all the time. I always feel like I need to be carrying on a conversation, and planning things to do, and looking my best even if I'm in my pajamas or my workout clothes. In a good relationship the ability to just lie around the house in grubby workout clothes and not speak to each other at all for a couple of hours, that feeling of being totally comfortable in one another's presence, comes around eventually. But until it does there's a definite need to be entertaining, and I'd forgotten how much that annoys me. And then there's always having to plan around another person, and the checking in every day even if you can't see each other...there are a lot of things that are really great about being in a relationship, and I personally believe overall that the pros outweigh the cons. But I'm a person who likes a lot of privacy and alone time, so I think maybe I should focus on all the pros of being single for a while. Because all of a sudden tonight the thought of having to share a home with another person for the rest of my life really scares me.
I'm so fickle.

Still, maybe I should enjoy having my own place while it lasts.

Rose Tint My World

Time to get a happier entry at the top of this journal, don't you agree?

With all the melodrama on Thursday I kind of forgot to get excited about the fact that I finished the semester. Technically I'm not completely done. My Playwriting professor actually believes the rule that everyone needs to take a written final, so I have to show up to class on Tuesday afternoon and take my Playwriting final which is worth 0% of my grade. ZERO PERCENT. The whole thing really annoys me, it's such a waste of a perfectly good hour of my life, but whatever. At least I don't actually have to do anything but show up. So as of Thursday I was finished. I went to Dramaturgy, turned in my paper and final, and then went out for dinner and drinks with some of my classmates, and that was that.

The first week or so I'm out of school for the summer always feels so weird. I keep thinking that I need to be doing something right now and it feels really bizarre to just be able to read blogs or watch TV without having to feel guilty because I should really be working instead. I do have a few personal goals for myself over the summer. I need to start working on some things for Rocky Horror already, and I really need to catch up completely in my personal journal. I have a sick, sick journal obsession and have attempted to write an entry every single day for ten years now. Well, obviously, the whole every-single-day thing doesn't always happen. When I'm on vacation I don't always take my computer, when I have guests I tend to skip my nightly writing time, and when life gets really busy I just don't have time to journal, so on nights when I don't have time I just list a few things to help jog my memory later and then fill the entry in on another day when I have some free time to kill. What this means is right now, at this exact moment, I have about forty or so incomplete entries, some of them dating all the way back to Christmas time of 2004 and some of them as recently as spring break of this year. So my goal is to finally get caught up completely. Since it only takes five to fifteen minutes to write an entry, I figure if I just do five or six entries a day for a couple of weeks I should have no problem catching up, and I'd love to be caught up for real before I go to England. We'll see if I can actually make that happen.

So yeah, incredibly nerdy personal goals aside, I don't have any commitments over the next few weeks except for fun ones. That's such a great feeling.

Last night Matthew and I celebrated Cinco de Mayo by making ghetto tacos and drinking sangria. And by "ghetto tacos", I mean both Matthew and I are pretty much completely out of food in our apartments and too poor to go out to eat dinner (I just got a paycheck, but I'm trying to be somewhat careful with money until England), so we just scraped together everything we could find in our kitchens and realized that between the two of us we just barely had the ingredients to make some tacos. Ha. So we ate tacos and got nice and tipsy, and it was an enjoyable, if low-key, Cinco de Mayo.

Then today Mandi and I went to the Pecan Street Festival in Austin. It was so much fun, just walking around drinking and looking at all the art booths. I LOVE stuff like that. It made me miss Katy, since going to the Main Street Arts Festival was always our thing back when we were living in Fort Worth, and this was pretty much the exact same thing. Mandi and I had such a great time. We finished off our day by going to the Boiling Pot, which is one of those restaurants where they tie a bib around your neck and put butcher paper down on the table and then just pour a bucket of seafood onto the table and you go at it with your hands. It was awesome. So Mandi and I were sitting on the patio eating our seafood when a guy across the street caught Mandi's eye. She mentioned she thought he was cute, I agreed, and we continued eating. Well, five minutes later Mandi got up to go to the bathroom and when she turned around the guy was standing right behind our table! He had come all the way into the restaurant and onto the patio just to tell Mandi how beautiful he thought she was! I don't know whether to think he's just really gutsy or a little crazy, but he seemed sweet and I felt really bad for him when Mandi had to tell him she already has a boyfriend. The thing is, the compliment totally made her day (probably her entire week) so I take that as an example of how being gutsy is good. I mean, worst case scenario the person is already taken, but at least you tried, and you can know you gave them a great compliment.

Not that I'd ever do something that gutsy, but it's kind of refreshing to know that stuff like that happens in real life and not just in the movies.

Anyway, I'm gonna go. I have a full list of things to do tomorrow. Like, um...grocery shopping. Yeah. And sleeping a lot. And anything else I want to do!

And The Clouds Came Tumbling Down (this is a long one!)

Today should have been awesome, except that Mike completely fucked things up.
That sounds harsh, but it's true. Here's the thing...

You all know that he pretty much crushed me. I was devastated when he started dating his girlfriend. Did he ruin my "spirit", or whatever the hell you want to call it, beyond repair? Of course not, no strong woman would ever let a guy do that to her, and I consider myself a pretty strong woman. But...well, there's no denying the past few months have fundamentally changed me. I don't think I'll ever be as trusting of my instincts about love again. Part of that depresses me, to have really lost that innocence once and for all. Then again, I'm 23. It's about time to let that go and get a little more cynical, a little more careful, hopefully a little more able to make good choices for myself.
To put it all in some kind of perspective, let me say that as stupid as it sounds, deep down I always thought I'd marry Mike. Even when we were both casually dating other people, even during the periods when we were just talking online once or twice a week and only sending one text message a day, I still always had this feeling that we'd eventually end up in the same place, start dating again for real, and get married. Sometimes that was a very clear thought. Other times it was a more vague feeling that I was trying to talk myself out of. But that feeling was always there.
In January I thought we were getting close to that actually happening. He told me he loved me. He said he couldn't see himself ever loving anyone else the way he loved me. I told him I felt the same way about him. He asked me if what we were doing was sort of a promise for the future, and we agreed that it was. It was a scary step, but it made me SO HAPPY. It wasn't an engagement, we weren't even in an official committed relationship at the time, but we were certainly heading in that direction, or so I mistakenly thought. We talked vaguely about planning to end up in the same place as soon as we finished school. We weren't making definite plans, but we were talking about making definite plans in the near future. He often said that he never wanted to get married, but one day in December he said to me very matter-of-factly "You know we'll get married," as if it was a given. In spite of everything we'd been through over the course of our friendship and relationship, deep down I thought it really was a given, too.

And then came Valentine's Day and the fateful blind date where he met the girl who became his girlfriend three days later. And then for me came two weeks of tears and mourning (it sounds so melodramatic but, well, that's what I was doing. I was mourning). Go back and read some of the entries from late February if you really need a refresher on that, they're far too depressing to link here. And then came the Padre trip, which you got the synopsis of already, too.
And then came almost two entire months of me trying to get over all this. Begging him to come back to me wasn't accomplishing anything. It was really just hurting both of us.
I hated how he acted towards me when I was upset, and I hated how pathetic I was being in some vain attempt to win him back. Look how much I love you. Look how much I'm hurting. How can you hurt someone you claimed to love so much? How can you just throw away something that was so good? I thought you were the love of my fucking life, how can I have been so wrong about that? Surely you can't possibly love this new girl in that perfect, special way you loved me. Surely something that amazing can only exist between you and me. Do you feel when you hold her in your arms at night that forever isn't such a scary concept after all if forever can be just like this? Do you feel that way? So that feeling can happen with more than one person? Or did you never feel that way about me at all? All those times I was so sure we were on the exact same wavelength and it was the best possible connection, did I make all that up?
He tells me now that he was never what I thought he was. He told me on the phone just tonight "You and I are too different. I don't know what you think I am, but I'm not what you need." Is it possible that I could have been so wrong about all of that? The answer, apparently, is yes. I realize that the love he has with his new girlfriend is obviously something completely different than what we have (had). The fact of the matter is and always has been: If he can love someone else so much that he would give me up for her, he and I were never really meant to be together forever in the first place.
So instead of trying to convince him that he was stupid for leaving me, I began to try to convince myself that I was stupid for wanting to stay with him. When you love someone, it's becomes easy to overlook their faults. To play the opposite game, picking a person apart and attempting to find their every flaw so that you can convince yourself you can do better? Well, that's not a fun game. But I began to do it. It even began to work. When I ignore my heart it's easy to think of dozens of logical reasons why Mike and I might have potential issues as a couple. In some ways I'm years older than him: I've lived on my own for five years now, I'm pretty sure he has never done his own grocery shopping. I'm more "worldly" (ugh, how ridiculous and elitist, but I can't think of a better way to describe it), and I come from a family that has more money and at this moment I am more highly educated. None of these things bother me in the least. In fact, I consider them positives: some of the many ways in which we balance each other out with our different experiences and philosophies. But I realize these facts bother him. I think that to this day the fact that I went away to college and he didn't bothers him. He might not admit that if pressed, but the fact that he still brings it up as a negative, often, leads me to believe that there's still some jealousy there that never quite got worked out. We have different philosophies about money (I'm a saver and he's a spender), lifestyle (I like to more-or-less have a plan at all times, he's content to more-or-less drift), and family (if I could actually plan an ideal future for myself it would include a husband and a child, and Mike is more or less anti-marriage and VERY anti-child. I always thought that this was just because he's 23 and he'll come around and want to settle down as he gets older, but you know, do I necessarily want to have to be the one to convince him he wants those things? Why knock myself out trying to convince him when there are plenty of guys in the world who want those things anyway without my convincing?). There's also the fact that even though I long ago accepted the fact that Mike casually dated and slept with other girls, he never quite got beyond the fact that I had done the same with a (very small) number of guys. So, fundamentally, I realize Mike somewhat has a point when he tells me we would never work out in the long run. We are very different, and while the majority of those differences are the good sort of differences, the type that balance couples out, some of them (particularly the lack of cohesion on whether or not to take the marriage-and-kids route and the unresolved jealousy issues) are problems that all the love in the world might not be able to conquer.
But therein lies the problem. All the love in the world? It was there. I don't think I'll ever be able to fully express just how much in love I am with Mike. I say love in the present-tense, because that love will never go anywhere. That's the thing about loving someone that much: no matter what their faults are, you can always forgive them and that love never goes away. It morphs into different sorts of love at different times, maybe, but if at any point during the past 6ish years you had asked me to make a list of people I really, truly love and would sacrifice for...well, for me that is always a very short list, but Mike would be on it. In spite of everything, he's still on that list now.
Because that's the thing about me and Mike. Although whether we'd always be together as a couple has at many times been somewhat questionable, whether or not we'd always be friends was never a doubt in my mind. There have been times in the past where that feeling that Mike was the elusive One For Me faded to just a vague "it could definitely still happen" idea. In the past couple of months the thought of us ultimately ending up together has been obliterated pretty much entirely. A combination of things has led me to the belief that we've probably permanently broken things between us now. Although sometimes my emotions still tell me "don't give up on this!", every bit of logic in my body (and I'm much more logical than emotional) has convinced me that we have now done things that really, REALLY can't be overcome. He has seen the absolute, the absolute fucking worst side of me. A side I didn't even know I had and wish I'd never had to find out about, honestly. I mean, it's good to know it's there, I guess, but I wish I'd never had to experience myself like that. I have seen the worst side of him. I always bragged about how incredibly loyal Mike was, but he has been cheating on his girlfriend to some extent with me ever since their relationship began and right up until last night. Could I date him again, knowing that he's capable of cheating? Sure, but my trust in him has been severely shaken. Even posting this entry is a form of breaking things between us entirely, because now if I ever do decide to date him again, every single person I know that reads this is going to wonder what I'm doing getting back with him when I know all the potential pitfalls. Maybe that's why I'm doing this. Maybe I need people stronger than I am to continue to remind me to listen to my own logic.
So could we date again? Yes, someday, in spite of EVERY SINGLE THING THAT HAS HAPPENED, I really believe we could. With certain changes on his part and mine, we could get together again someday and once again have an awesome, joking, loving, friendly, spontaneous, incredibly special relationship. Would it be worth the work to make it happen? Maybe, if the love ended up being enough. But nowadays it makes much more sense for me to truly believe that there's another guy out there for me. Isn't the convenient new theory that everyone gets two true loves in their life? Okay then. Mike was number one, maybe now it's really time to get out there and find number two. Maybe if I get really lucky I can find an even better match, I can start fresh with someone and build an even stronger foundation. Or if I honestly never find a guy better than Mike (because trust me, in spite of his flaws the idea of finding a guy fundamentally better than Mike seems almost impossible), I know deep down that I can honestly live a fairly content life on my own. Would it be the ideal life I like to envision for myself? No, of course not, but who the hell actually gets to live their ideal life, anyway?

So, okay, tonight on the phone Mike finally told me what I've been wanting to hear for weeks, that he's in love with this girl and doesn't see himself ever getting back together with me any time in the future. And honest to God, that's what I needed to hear. I wish he'd told me that a month ago, because then I could have gotten through this entire process so much quicker. I've been pressing him about this question pretty much weekly ever since he began dating her. "Just tell me you and I are over. If we're really over and you really know it, just tell me. Tell me so I can stop wondering if we still have a chance," I kept telling him. And he kept refusing to flat out tell me that he was done with me. Maybe it's because he wasn't completely, because right up until last night we were still having conversations platonic friends shouldn't have been having. I'm not totally innocent in this situation. He would start things, and I would allow them to continue. I shouldn't have done that. But why was I the one who should have been exerting self-control? I wasn't the one in love with someone else, I was just making a pitiful attempt to reinsert myself into the relationship that I viewed as mine to begin with. So half of the time he was telling me that he was very much with his new girlfriend and was very serious about it and I should just give up on him, but the other half of the time his actions were still implying that we weren't completely over.

Well, now we are completely, one hundred percent over. He finally told me tonight that he sees no future for us and he's going to do everything in his power to stay with his girlfriend (presumably forever, although he won't admit that...but come on, why the hell does anyone start a committed relationship unless it's with the hope that it will last forever? We go into casual relationships without much caring, but no one jumps into commitment with the thought process 'This could very well end at any minute, so I should keep my options open"...or if that IS your attitude going into a committed relationship, you have serious issues and sure as hell shouldn't attempt to be committing to ANYTHING).
Now that I know he really loves her, now that he has finally made up his mind and completely committed to a relationship, I finally feel like my best bet is to quit fighting for him and step out of the way. If he's happy, my job as a friend is to be supportive of his relationship. If he really doesn't want me anymore, I really don't want him, either. I finally, finally got the closure I've been begging for since March. Now that I know where he really stands, it's easy to evaluate where I need to stand. If he's over me, I'm over him. You may not think it can possibly be that simple, but you know what? In my world, it is. I asked him why the hell it took him so long to finally tell me that, and his reason? "I didn't want to hurt you." But he'd already hurt me so irreparably that tonight was something of a relief. He has let go of the idea of us in a relationship utterly and completely, I can do the same.
I realize nothing is definite. I realize that someday in a far, far, FAR distant future he and I could see each other in an ideal situation, feel that old spark, and start something all over again. But for all intents and purposes, I can finally start letting go.

But goddamn it, I didn't want to have to let go of our friendship, too. The relationship, yes. But not the friendship. As I said about a million paragraphs ago, even though I never really knew for certain that we'd ultimately end up a couple (although I certainly thought we would), I knew for certain that we'd always be friends. And not just acquaintances, but real friends. So much of what we've always had has been based on this simple, easy, talking-about-nonsense friendship, and I thought that no matter what happened to us we'd never lose that.
That's why I've been fighting through all these emotions for the past few months. If he was any other guy I would have just let it go, stopped talking to him entirely, and tried to get over him in all the traditional ways. But because he is one of the few very close friends I've ever had in my life, I didn't want to lose that. Other than my family, he's the biggest connection I have to my past, and I really, really don't want to lose that link, either. He's the only person in the world who really knew me in high school who also really knows me now. That's an incredibly special bond, and one that I didn't want to lose, ever. So I've been putting myself through the emotional hell of working out all the feelings I have concerning him so that I could eventually get to a good point, a point where we could have a happy platonic friendship. And we were getting there. In my mind, after the conversation we had tonight, we're there. Now that I know how seriously he's committed to her and making things work, I'm seriously committed to being just his friend and never hoping for more. Like I said, now that I know for a fact that he doesn't want anything more, ever, I don't ever want anything more ever, either.

But here's where Mike completely fucked everything up: Last night, he got drunk. And he started stuff that I shouldn't have encouraged, but how the hell was I to know that he was being stupid enough to send me text messages from his girlfriend's house?! Well, she found out. And she's hurt. And I don't blame her, she has every right to be. She has agreed to stay with Mike, and they're going to work everything out and live happily ever after I'm sure.

But me? Well, I once again get to be the total loser in the situation. Because...oh lord, the irony...the exact event that made me realize that he really is committed to his girlfriend and I'm really, truly ready to be committed to just being his good friend Ashley? That same event put me in a position where his girlfriend can never trust me around him again. And how can I blame her for that? Of course I wouldn't want my boyfriend continuing to talk daily to the girl he had cheated on me with. But it just sucks that Mike and I have both reached the point where we can just have the casual friendship I've been working towards, but now I can't talk to him at all because it will screw up his relationship with his girlfriend.

I'm not supposed to text him, call him, or e-mail him until things with them get more stable. Which, honestly, could be never. Why rock the boat? Is our friendship worth possibly jeopardizing their relationship if he really can't get her to trust him as far as I'm concerned again? For me, of course, our friendship is worth anything. But for him I know it's not. I'm not worth it. Nobody ever chooses friendship over the giddiness of the first year and a half of love.

So from now on if we're going to have a friendship at all, I'm afraid it won't be that one I was working towards, where we can still send a few daily text messages and talk online. I doubt we'll ever talk on the phone again. We sure as hell won't get to see each other in person, not without a whole entourage of people around us so that she doesn't feel threatened, and that's not exactly conducive to catching up.

It just sucks so much, because I know that she has absolutely nothing to worry about. Now that I know where Mike really stands, I'd never dream of getting in the way of that. But there will be no way to convince her not to be worried. Even if she says she's not, she will be. A betrayal like that never fades away entirely, unfortunately, no matter how much we want it to.

Ever since February, I've known I was going to ultimately lose the relationship. I never thought I'd lose my best friend in the process.

Why is it that Mike is the one that fucked up, but I am the only one really being punished? He says he's being punished, too, but at least he has his girlfriend to love and enjoy.

Me? I've not only lost the relationship, I've lost six years of amazing friendship as well.

Even in my worst nightmares I never imagined it was all going to end this badly.

I'm hopeful that she'll come around, and he'll come around, and I won't be written out of his life entirely. After all, the best thing he can do for his relationship is to get her to trust him completely, even where I'm involved. That would be the best thing for all three of us. But do I think that's likely?

Not really. He may prove me wrong. I hope he does. But what are the odds that I would get that lucky?

(Sorry for the long, incredibly depressing rant. Thank you for letting me rant. If anyone actually read this far, I'm shocked. And I promise that I'll be back with happier posts very soon. It's summertime now, and that should mean at least a few good adventures)

Theatre of the Taco

Somebody read this brief synopsis of Artaud's Theatre of Cruelty, please. Now tell me that I'm not losing my mind. The third paragraph does in fact say "Tacos are the rulers of the world. Theatre of the Taco", right?

I read that right now and it just about killed me. I've been working on my Theory final since 3:00 this afternoon with just a few short breaks, so obviously I'm kind of tired and bored with the whole thing and I wouldn't put it beyond myself to hallucinate the Theatre of the Taco thing.

I want to know who typed that. I'm a big fan of Wikipedia and use it for quick references all the time, but never as a completely reliable reference, and this is exactly why. Anyone can write a Wikipedia entry and include any nonsense they want. This is by far the best nonsense I've ever seen, though. I wonder why the writer included it in the first place. Just to be weird? Or maybe in the hopes that some kid would copy and paste it into a research paper and try to pass it off as his own work and then have to explain to the professor why he included the stuff about the taco in the middle of the paper? Anyway, it made me laugh.

I don't have time for a real entry, since I really do have to finish this final tonight. It's not due until Wednesday, but I figure if I can get this (at least mostly) done tonight then tomorrow and Tuesday can be for writing my From Morn to Midnight paper and Wednesday and Thursday until 6:00 can be for working on my Dramaturgy final. I only have 1 1/2 essays left to write on the Theory exam, so I guess I should just watch a couple more hours of Sopranos and get this test over with.

Found out I got an A on my Directing scene, by the way. That's awesome. I'll turn in my journal for that class tomorrow and then be done with it and I should get an A in the class for sure even if for some reason he hates my journal. Theory will be an A, Dramaturgy should be as long as I don't fuck up the final and the paper (I think I can fuck up one or the other, but not both). Now it's just Playwriting I'm worried about, which sucks because that was supposed to be my blow off class. It has nothing to do with my degree plan, I just took it because I needed twelve hours of course work. I'm gonna be pretty pissed off if I get a B in that class. Oh well, everything is already turned in for that class so it's too late to change anything now. I'll just keep my fingers crossed, I guess.

Alright. Back to the theatre of cruelty and futurism and absurdism...sadly, I bet the Theatre of the Taco is more interesting than all of those things combined.

Forsooth?

I'm lying on the couch right now with my laptop resting on a pillow on my lap. Cohen is lying beside me with his head on my chest, snoring away and being as cuddly and sweet as he can possibly be. It's times like this that I can't remember how I lived happily before my basset hound and wireless internet.

Despite the fact that it has been really busy, I've been having a great week. Projects I've finished this week:
-Theory paper in which I applied feminist theories to an episode of The Sopranos. (And I found out today that I got a 95 on it. Holla! Even if I get a "C" on my final--and that's not going to happen--I practically have a guaranteed "A" in that class now) "A"s make me happy. "A"s on papers that I write the night before they are due make me even happier.
-The group project for Dramaturgy. We presented tonight, and even though it wasn't technically a contest, my group totally won.
-My play. I wrote a play! And it's not terrible. I mean, it's not good, but I'm not completely humiliated by the idea of it being read. I'm only somewhat humiliated by the idea of it being read.
-The scene I directed.
-The scene I acted in.
So yeah, it has been crazy, but it has been good.
Directing scenes last night were particularly good. We teched in the afternoon and then performed in the evening. Tech rehearsal was actually my favorite part. I think every theatre person in the world has a love/hate relationship with tech rehearsals. They're usually long and can get really frustrating and boring (especially if you're an actor or a crew member) and spending hour after hour in a mostly-dark theatre doesn't do much good for anyone's sanity, but there's something so incredibly exciting about seeing the full picture for the first time. The set, the lights, the first time you get to hear the sound cues...I get chills every time.
Directing and acting in the same night was interesting. I'm definitely more of a director than an actor. In my book, directing is just so much more exciting. I'm not sure why, especially since acting tends to earn you more glory, but for me it's much more thrilling to sit in the audience and see my creation on the stage than to be on the stage myself. Of course, there's also more stress with directing because once the show starts you have absolutely no control. You can just sit in the audience and hope everything goes according to plan. When I'm acting I don't feel quite as exhilerated, but at least as an actor you still get to retain control over the performance. I like that aspect of it. But given the choice I'd pick directing over acting any day, even if I were equally talented at both (and wow, I'm not. I'm no actress, and I know it! Not that I'm necessarily a great director, either, but I feel much more confident in that arena).
Anyway, Measure for Measure went well. My actors all came through and did an awesome job for me and my professor seemed happy with it overall. And then the show I was in, Speed-the-Play, went over so much better than I thought it would.
I was really worried about it because it is such a complicated show (actually, the show itself probably isn't all that complicated, but my director chose a concept that had us staging it in a complicated way). It's a parody of four David Mamet plays and takes place in dozens of locations, and each of us played three or four different characters. We had five major scene changes in the play, and the actors changed each scene ourselves as sort of a dance performance, so we had to dance around while also remembering what parts of the set needed to change. We each also had three or four different quick costume changes. It was physically exhausting because it was all so fast. Mainly I was just worried that we'd forget some part of the scene change and get everything all mixed up, but somehow we pulled it off. The only problem? We had wooden signs on each portion of the set that we would change to designate the location ("Danny's Apartment" "Bernie's Apartment",etc). On the restaurant portion of the set the sign was sitting on the table. Well, in the last scene when Shanthi and I went to sit down at the table the sign somehow fell and crashed off the platform to the floor below. We were doing the parody of Glengarry Glen Ross at that point, and my actual first line as I sit down is "We're gonna win that fuckin' cadillac, Aaronow." So we sit down at the table, the sign comes crashing down (and I mean CRASHING. LOUDLY) and without even really thinking about it I glanced down at the sign, said, "Fuck it," and then continued with, "We're gonna win that fuckin' cadillac, Aaronow" without missing a beat. I was already in angry cussing guy mode, it just came out! Later once the show was over and I actually had a second to breathe and think about it I realized what I'd done and wondered if maybe I should have just ignored it. But the sign falling was such a big distraction that it didn't seem like one of those "just let it go" moments. That was definitely a moment when it was more wise to acknowledge the problem in character and continue. So that's what I did, without really thinking about it. The funny thing is, everyone got such a kick out of it. People kept coming up to me and saying, "Nice save," and, "That was hilarious," and the usual half dozen people had to comment on how funny it is to hear the word "fuck" come out of my mouth.
Why is that, anyway? Why is it so funny to everyone when I say fuck? In fact, the entire reason I got cast in this show in the first place was because the director just found it so damn funny everytime I said "fuck" and "asshole" and "jack off". Is it that I have a little high pitched voice? Is it the juxtaposition of my freckled girly face and the dirty words? Seriously, I will never, ever understand why people find the whole thing so funny, but it never fails. Every single place I've ever been in my life people expect me to be this innocent, naive person and they're always shocked to find out what I'm really like.

So yeah, directing scenes went well, and the best thing about getting them out of the way the first night is that for the rest of the week all I have to do is watch the rest of them.

Alright, I'm out. But first, here's a laugh: Click on this link and refresh the page until my picture and horrible, horrible quote pop up at the top. Note as you refresh that I am definitely the cutest Celebrity Classic Scholar (not that that's saying much...not that that's saying ANYTHING). Also note that one of those guys has quintuplets (!!!!!). I am so embarrassed by this damn thing. So embarrassed that I have to share it with you! I didn't even know it existed until a few days ago when our department secretary sang out, "I saw you on the computer!!" as I walked into the office and I had to figure out what the heck she was talking about. The thing is, I vaguely remember the e-mail I got telling me to send the committee a picture and a thank you letter so that they could use it in "advertising" to try to lure in more sponsors for the golf tournament. This scholarship pays for most of my tuition each semester so I definitely don't mind writing a thank you letter. But I don't remember writing the cheesiest thank you letter ever written in the history of the universe. My dad maintains that I probably didn't actually write it and they just made up some stuff and attributed it to me, but sadly, I'm sure I did write it. In the right mood (and right before Christmas break, and at 3 or 4 in the morning) I am capable of being just that corny. Also, they've attributed my words to someone named Kristi as well, but yeah. I wrote that nonsense. That's corny enough to even make Kymberli proud!
Oh, and that picture? I already had it cropped to the right size and was too lazy to look for another one, so that's what I sent the committee. Little do they know, that the picture was taken at last year's theatre banquet and just before that picture was taken I had been sitting in a car in the alumni center parking lot chugging beer with Kymberli, Michael, and Jessica because there was no alcohol at the actual banquet. We did the same thing before our graduation ceremony a few weeks later, because we're just classy like that. I'm sure the Celebrity Classic Scholar Committee would be proud of me.

Also note that I am a "Supple Scholar". Sounds vaguely dirty, doesn't it? Anyway, I'm not sure exactly why I've been designated the Supple Scholar, but it means that the scholarship automatically renews next year. One of my professors also let it slip unofficially today that my Fine Arts Department scholarship is going to be renewed as well. So now I'm just waiting to hear about renewal of one more scholarship, but either way those two alone should cover tuition next year, so it's a big relief to have that taken care of again. You might even say it "gives me great peace of mind." Ugh.

One Track Mind

Proof that I've already been a grad student way too long:
During my nap this afternoon I dreamt that Amanda and I were at a lecture given by Michel Foucault. Of all the things my subconscious could have thrown out for me to dream about, I get a Foucault lecture? I'm dreaming about attending lectures by French philosophers. There's something very wrong about that. From here on out I'd like my brain to confine thoughts of post-structuralist theory to waking hours only, thank you.
The dream-lecture was actually strangely fun, though. Amanda and I were drinking copious amounts of red wine, as in we each had our own bottle of wine and were pouring glass after glass throughout the lecture. Everyone around us was drinking wine, too, and it was really more party than lecture. The weirdest thing about the dream (as if dreaming about Foucault isn't weird enough in and of itself) was that after the lecture I was walking home along a riverbank and I accidentally dropped my cell phone into the river and decided to strip off all my clothes and dive in after it. Except that I wasn't wearing real clothes, I was wearing just a toga (?!) and I didn't seem to care too much that there were quite a few people around who saw me jump into the river naked. Actually, I'm not sure why jumping into the river after my phone involved being naked in the first place, because in real life I sure wouldn't waste time stripping my clothes off. Who would?! I did manage to save the cell phone and get it working again, though. The phone was bright red.
Because of the wine and the cell phone I decided that red was a significant color in the dream. So just out of curiousity I looked up the meaning of dreaming about the color red. Turns out red symbolizes raw energy, intense passion, and sexual impulses. I take this to mean that my dream is implying that I haven't been getting laid enough lately. Surprise, surprise.

P.S.-Did you click on the link? There's a reference to Foucault's time at the Ecole Normale Superieure, which makes me laugh because in Theory class tonight Kelly was lecturing on Pierre Bourdieu, another Ecole Normale Superieure attendant. Kelly speaks fluent French and has a perfect accent (she majored in French at her college in Thailand). I mention all this just to say that five minutes into her lecture Kelly fires off the phrase "Ecole Normale Superieure" in perfect French and then says "I wonder about that. Is it normal, or is it superior? Maybe only superior to a certain degree," and then without missing a beat she continued her lecture while the rest of us almost collapsed trying to contain our laughter. Maybe you had to be there to understand how spot-on her delivery was, or maybe you just have to know her and understand Kelly's quirky, dry sense of humor (after 8 months of friendship I still can't always tell when she's kidding and when she's being dead serious), but it was funny as hell.

Just Happy

I just had to post briefly to say...I'm happy.

So often lately I've been writing about school stress, or the stuff with Mike that made me sad. (Incidentally, now that I've edited this journal and made it more public I realize that it has the weird effect of making it seem as though perhaps Mike is the only guy I've ever really been in a relationship with, because this journal a) begins about the time Mike and I started quasi-dating again after years of being more-or-less broken up, and b) by choice I've effectively eliminated any details of any other guys I've dated. That's not really important, just something weird I'm realizing).

Anyway, what I'm trying to say is I keep forgetting to write about the good things. Things like the fact that even when the school work drives me crazy and I spend 7 straight hours working on a group project (like this afternoon) I fundamentally really enjoy what I'm studying. The fact that I can watch an hour of The Sopranos and analyze it from the viewpoint of a feminist scholar and actually call that "doing my homework." Or the fact that I really feel like I have close friends here now, friends that I can see myself knowing for life. Or the fact that I can put on the flowy white skirt I bought last weekend and put on my headphones and dance around my bedroom until I twirl too much and get dizzy and have to collapse on the bed laughing and nobody else can possibly walk in on this embarrassing display (although apparently I'm willing to post the scene on the internet for you to roll your eyes at).

I don't know, I'm just in a good mood today for little reasons, and I'm realizing that it has been a while now since I had a truly bad day. And that's a really good feeling, realizing that even though I still get a little pang in my heart now and then when I really think about it (oh, how poetic) I've made myself get to a good place. I feel a bit invincible today. Hopefully that's a sign that it's going to be a good week, because I have a lot of very important work due this week and it would be nice to have luck on my side.

Alright, I gotta go read Dallas and the Ideology of Mass Culture for my (last!) dramatic theory class on Tuesday, and there's a basset hound looking at me pitifully from the doorway, so I'm out.

Hail! (And other things)

In case you needed more proof that I am in fact an expert at procrastination, I offer this: Tonight in Dramaturgy I got my education outreach packet back, and I got a 98 on it along with the comments "Well-written!" and "Strong work." This is completely baffling to me, because I did the majority of the assignment the night before it was due. I was actually working on it and printing stuff out right up until ten minutes before class started.
I just don't get how this keeps happening. I keep waiting for my luck to run out and my professors to realize that I consistently throw things together at the very last minute, but so far I guess I'm still coming across as the poster child for organization and, um, togetherness.

I also got a big compliment today. I'm in a Directing Styles class this semester. The scene I'm directing is from Measure for Measure, and I've been relatively happy with it, especially considering that I have absolutely no level of Shakespeare expertise (I've studied Shakespeare in terms of a couple of English classes and I enjoy reading it and I get it, but I have no practical experience with it-my knowledge of scansion is really sketchy, for example. Luckily that should change after the intensive Shakespeare class I'm doing this summer!) Anyway, I've been satisfied with how my scene is progressing all along, but suddenly today I feel pretty good about it because my friend Paul, who TAs the class, mentioned that the professor told him, "It's too bad Ashley's emphasis isn't directing." Which means he thinks I'm a decent director! That makes me happy, because even though directing is just my cognate and not my actual emphasis, I like to know that people respect what I do as a director. I would like to get more heavily into directing again one of these days. It's just too bad I had to make a choice between history/criticism and directing, because I honestly like both equally.

Alright, enough bragging about myself. Time to brag about someone else for a second. Speaking of Paul, he defended his thesis and did his comprehensive exam today and he passed! YAY! That makes me really happy for him, and subsequently happy for me, too, because if Paul can successfully get through his defense that gives me hope that I'll get through mine next year when it's my turn. Of course, I can't imagine the faculty letting someone defend their thesis and take their comprehensive exam if they didn't feel that the person was ready. It seems to me that passing is kind of a given once you get that far along, but what do I know? It just seems that it would be way too cruel to let someone get as far along as the thesis defense and then not clear them for graduation (unless the person just totally fucked up and clearly hadn't studied at all, I guess). It must feel so good to be in Paul's position. I can't wait until I'm two weeks away from my graduation! One more year...

Other good things to talk about today:
1) I was supposed to have a big dramaturgy paper due a week from today, but Dr. C pushed it back and now it's not due until the day of our final exam on May 4th. That makes me so incredibly happy.
2) Speaking of papers, I've decided to use an episode of The Sopranos as the basis for my final paper for Dramatic Theory class. Since I've been watching The Sopranos more or less non-stop in my free time for the past two weeks (I'm now midway through season two!) I figured I might as well find a way to actually make my obsession productive!
3) I found out today that I'm gonna get to room with Amanda and Liz in Stratford this summer! See, we're staying at a bed-and-breakfast for the three weeks we're in England, and I was just going to have to room with a girl I don't know. There are 10 of us going to Stratford, and the only person I know well is Amanda. Amanda and Liz are good friends (they work together) but I don't know Liz very well. So Amanda had asked me very early on if I'd mind if she roomed with Liz and I said nah, I don't care. I can pretty much coexist with anyone, especially since I doubt we'll be spending much time in our rooms anyway. So I was going to be randomly assigned to room with one of the other girls, all of whom are strangers to me at this point. But! Today Dr. C. mentioned to me that she found out there are going to be three double rooms at the B&B, a triple room, and one single room. She wanted to know if I wanted to be put into the drawing for the people that are fighting it out for the single room. But I was like, "Wait, there's a triple room? 'Cause if there's a triple room I'd actually like to room with Amanda and Liz." Dr. C. said that would actually make things a lot easier if we'd just agree to take the triple, so yay! Amanda is thrilled, and I'm looking forward to actually getting to know Liz since we're just acquaintances right now. So all in all that worked out perfectly.
4) In other Stratford-related news, we got assigned our scenes that we'll be working on all session for the showcase we're going to perform in Stratford. I'll be playing Rosalind in a scene from As You Like It, which should be fun. I'm so nervous, though! It has literally been years since I took an acting class. I hope I don't totally suck.

Well, this has gotten lengthy again, but I just want to add that we had a CRAZY storm here today. It was pouring rain when I got to class tonight, and as we were sitting in class we could hear rain and hail pounding on the roof. We couldn't see what was actually going on since there are no windows in any of the classrooms in the theatre building (which is a huge pet peeve of mine, but whatever) but when I got out of class later I found out that the hail had been HUGE. Up at campus it wasn't too bad, thankfully. My car seems just fine...although I haven't seen it in daylight yet. But the outlet mall got hit badly. Apparently the hail there was baseball sized and bigger! Matthew works down there and he said there was literally a couple million of dollars of damage done to the mall, and thousands of cars were badly damaged by hail, Matthew's among them. Man, I've never seen anything like it. His car is totaled by hail. The back windshield is completely shattered and gone, the front one is cracked in a bunch of different places, and the entire car is dented. Something tells me Matthew will probably be getting a new car out of the deal. Crazy...I'm just glad no one I know was hurt today. Damn weather.

Who wants to make decisions for me?

I'm having one of those days where everything is overwhelming.
The biggest reason is that I have four MAJOR projects due next week and the only one of the four I actually feel okay about is my final directing scene (two out of the four projects I haven't even started on!).
And since I'm such a damn worrier lately I've decided to start stressing about things that make absolutely no difference at this exact moment, like trying to figure out where I might want to apply to get my PhD. Mandi and I had a long talk with Christin after class tonight. She's finishing up her dissertation at UT right now and lately she's been giving us advice about finding good programs, applying, etc. I know that I really do want my PhD eventually, but sometimes I have a very hard time envisioning myself as a PhD candidate. I just don't feel like I'm smart enough to handle it. Given, I felt the same way about getting a masters before I started this program and obviously I'm handling the work just fine. And logically, maintaining a 4.0 in a masters program (so far) should imply that I could get into a doctoral program and handle the work. But a doctoral program just seems so intense. For one thing, it would be another THREE TO FIVE YEARS of school. That's a whole lot of school. Given, I'd be teaching and working during that period, but still. It also doesn't help that I have no idea at this point what area I'd want to focus on for a dissertation. I know that I'm into dramaturgy, but even though I'd love to do that I'm not sure that I'm qualified to get into a dramaturgy program (mainly because I'm lacking the foreign language proficiency most of them want). I did feel relieved when Christin told me she didn't know what she wanted to do her dissertation on when she applied to her current program, so that's reassuring. And I realize I don't have to really get concerned about any of this until after the summer. I also realize that I have a ton of options. I don't have to go directly into a doctoral program. I can teach high school, I can get one of those travel jobs I've talked about, I can do something else entirely. But at the same time, having a Dr. before my name is something I'd like to accomplish, especially since I've already come this far. And it kind of seems like as long as I'm on a roll I should keep going.
Ah, Future, you're so scary! Exciting, but scary.
The other major thing that has me stressed out is a summer job. See, I thought I had this problem solved. Last Friday I applied for a job as a teller at the bank where Mandi is working right now. I passed the teller test and was basically promised by the manager that there will be a job for me when I come back from England in July. Which is perfect! A part-time job that starts in July. BUT. The job has a set schedule. A schedule that would work out ideally with my school and box office schedule. I actually love the idea of having a set schedule. The problem is that it's just too set, though. It's one of those "real" jobs that only lets you have one sick day a month and five days of vacation for the entire year. And I'm just not sure I can make that fly. At first I thought I could, but now that I'm thinking about it I'm just not sure. What if miraculously one of my papers actually gets chosen for a conference? I need to know that I can get a weekend off without consequence to go to it. And then there's December, when I'm supposed to be in two weddings, one of which is in El Paso. I'm gonna need a whole lot more than five days off during the month of December.
So now I'm thinking that maybe I do need to apply for some different jobs, but the idea of pounding the pavement and going from place to place filling out applications is not at all appealing. Plus a restaurant or bar job would probably have the opposite problem and be too flexible, not letting me have a set schedule during the school year when I'll really need one.
And not working during the summer and just waiting until I start getting my box office paycheck again in October is definitely not an option. I need to earn money somehow.
So I'm torn. Do I take the bank job and just quit come December when I'm gonna need all that time off? Do I try to find a restaurant job and hope that I can make it work when school starts in the fall?
The other thing with applying to restaurants right now is that I can't envision anyone wanting to hire me to start work immediately when I'm gonna be leaving for three weeks in June. Why hire me just a few weeks before I'm leaving the country? But I'd really like to have a job lined up for when I get back, and I can't really imagine anyone that needs help hiring someone in May who can't actually start until July.
So yeah, I don't know what to do. It's times like this when I really, really miss my job at Bass Hall. Damn, that job was ideal. Such good money, so flexible...

Oh well. I had a really good weekend! Drinking with Kelly, Shanthi, and then Matthew on Thursday night at Showdown, hanging out with Matthew and Chelsea on Friday and Saturday night, walking Cohen and Morty in a charity walk, and an Easter picnic with my siblings (Chelsea and I made deviled eggs and fancy ham sandwiches that involved caramelized onions and brie, among other ingredients. We're awesome. Shane, of course, heard us mention the word "ham" on the phone and decided he'd just buy his own lunch from Subway. Punk! He also somehow failed to realize that a picnic at the river might actually involve swimming so he showed up in khaki shorts and a polo shirt and had to roll his pants up to his thighs to wade with us, making him look like the cliched image of one of those ambiguous German tourists. I really wish I'd thought to take a blackmail picture. I love my goofy brother!)

So yeah. That's where I'm at right now. A little stressed, but I know this is just that day I have every two months or so when I have to panic about my future, and everything is gonna work out just fine.

I promise to stop stressing and whining soon.

P.S.-I found out today that there is someone living across the hall from me and his name is Roland and he works for Budweiser. I may not be doing anything I SHOULD be doing, but I'm getting better at this spying stuff!

Won't You Be My Neighbor?

My upstairs neighbor is outside right now blasting music from his car as he cleans it out. Or at least it looks like he's cleaning it out. I don't know, I can't really tell exactly what he's doing since I'm just being a nosy neighbor glancing at him through my window (in my defense, I wouldn't have even noticed he was out there in the first place if he hadn't been blaring the music). He's milling around moving stuff in and out of the car and occassionally carrying things upstairs.

I mention this in the first place because this neighbor is such a mystery to me. Actually, pretty much all of my neighbors are enigmas to me, but this guy I really can't figure out. I can't figure out if he's single or not. I'm somewhat intrigued by this neighbor, not because I find him particularly attractive (he's cute enough but definitely not keeping me up nights) or interesting (we've never really talked other than greetings), but mainly because he has an In-N-Out Burger license plate holder, which intrigues me because it means he has family or interests in California/Arizona/somewhere not Texas, and I like that.
I can't figure out what his deal is, though.
Like:
He's almost always by himself when he pulls up in his car and he often has a bag of fast food and a single drink. This leads me to believe he's eating most of his meals on his own and not bringing home food for anyone else, so he's single.
His car is sometimes gone overnight. He must have somewhere else where he spends nights. He's in a relationship.
Every now and then a girl is in his car when he pulls up. He's in a relationship.
Weeks will go by without me seeing the girl at all. Clearly she's just a friend and he's single.
He's cleaning out his car. Single guys don't usually clean their cars unless it's to impress someone. He's gotta be in a relationship.
He always parks like a jackass, slanted across two parking spaces on purpose. And his car is NOT that cool. If he had a girlfriend, she wouldn't let him park his car like that. He's gotta be single.
I noticed when he was cleaning out his car that there was a bright pink bag in the back of it. HOPEFULLY he's in a relationship, because I'm not sure with a straight guy is doing with a girly pink bag otherwise.

In other neighbor mysteries, there's the guy that lives next door to me. I was completely convinced that he was gay, mostly because of his mannerisms and because of the fact that he's always unnaturally tan, even in the middle of winter. I just love making assumptions about people I barely know! Ha. That, and one night at around 4:30 A.M. when I was outside with Cohen I saw the neighbor showing a guy out of the apartment. True, it could just be a straight guy friend leaving after a night of videogames or something, but do guys walk each other to the door and stuff like that? I'm pretty sure they don't.
But then about a month ago I walked out my door one afternoon right into the middle of a screaming, crying fight this neighbor was having with a girl. From what I saw and heard of it (and it wasn't much, since I pretty much turned around and took the dog right back inside as soon as I realized there was a screaming match going on in the breezeway) it definitely seemed like a lovers' quarrel. So I can't figure out what's going on there, either.

Then there's the girl who lives directly above me. I won't hear a single sound from upstairs for weeks at a time. No footsteps, no water running, no nothing. Then suddenly for several nights in a row I'll hear banging and crashing late at night, or foosteps and the sound of the shower running in the morning and I'll know that somebody is actually living up there. But for weeks at a time it's like nobody is there at all. I have no idea what's up with that.

And then there's the apartment across the hall. It used to belong to my friend Kolby, but she moved out in January and sublet it to someone. In late January a big group of people came along and moved some furniture in, but then nobody actually came to live there for another month or so. It was like it was just being used as a storage unit (I know that nobody was living there because the apartment managers leave notes on our doors about various events all the time, and the notes would stay on the door across the hall for days until they finally blew away). Then one day last month some random girl said hello to me in the parking lot and introduced herself, so I figured she must be the new neighbor. But I haven't seen her since. Meanwhile, right after spring break I was coming home one evening and saw a kinda creepy looking older Hispanic guy waiting to be let into the apartment across the hall, and now for a couple of weeks there's been some sort of Nascar cardboard cutout prominently displayed on the patio, which doesn't lead me to believe that it's a girl's home after all. And I still never, ever, EVER see anybody going in or out of that apartment, and the blinds are always closed. So maybe there's still nobody living there.

So basically, I've just used this entire entry to admit that I spy on all of my neighbors but my detective skills really suck. I should probably go back to doing useful things...like homework. Or watching more of The Sopranos. I started watching the first season over the weekend. A whole bunch of people have been talking about it for years, so I finally decided to give it a try. I realize I'm definitely coming in at the eleventh hour here and I'm the last person in the entire damn country to jump on the Sopranos bandwagon, but I'm so glad I did. I'm on episode 9 already! That means I've watched 8 hours of The Sopranos in the past, oh, three days. It's just that good, people. I'm hoping they'll release the first part of the sixth season on DVD this year (once the first part of the season actually finishes up, that is) and then I'll be able to catch up completely and watch the final episodes with everyone else. I also plan to start and then catch up with Lost in time to watch the third season, too. Aren't you proud that I have such ambitious plans for TV viewing?

Fake It Until You Make It

So this semester ends in a month, more or less. I can't believe how fast it has gone by. Actually, I can't believe how fast this entire year has gone by. It's already getting to be time to start thinking about what I want to do after I finish grad school, which is kind of a scary prospect.
I'm not as worried about it all as I was when I was getting to this point of my undergrad work, though, mostly because to a certain extent I feel that I'm already set. I'm certified to teach high school, and after this I have the masters and should have no problem getting a teaching job somewhere. I've always known I wanted the masters, but in my mind the doctorate is a little more optional. Yes, I'd like it and I want it eventually, but I don't feel the need to go directly into a doctoral program. If it works out that way, great. If not, well, I feel like I can get some theatre-related job, or maybe even do something completely different for a while. Part of me still really loves the idea of doing some travel-related job for a while, especially if I'm not in any sort of relationship and there's nothing to tie me down by the time I'm getting close to finishing school. The only downside to that would be leaving Cohen and Jose. I'm not sure if I could leave my basset and cat for months at a time if I got some sort of travel job. Of course, this is all a moot point and I really don't need to start thinking seriously about this until later in the year anyway.

What I do need to think about right now, though, is all the crap I have to get done in the next three-ish weeks. The basic list:
-Education outreach Powerpoint for The Rover, the show that I'm now assistant dramaturging (surprise!)
-Write an original one-act play (ha, reading that it just sounds ridiculous, but I'm actually already about six or seven pages into it)
-Write a 15-20 page dramaturgical paper on From Morn to Midnight
-Write a 5 page analysis of a show for Theory
-Major season planning group project for Dramaturgy
-Final performance of my twenty minute Directing scene, and the scene that I'm performing in as well (this includes several rehearsals between now and then and figuring out/finding costumes and music)

That's all the major stuff. The nice thing is after that I really only have to take two finals, and one of them will be a take home final. So if I can just make it through April 26th I think I'll have gotten through the toughest part.
If I'm not around much between now and then, well, now you see why.

I would write about something more interesting than my grueling school schedule, but I'm not in the mood. Good things have been happening, though. Lots of fun times with Matthew and my girl friends and my family (when I'm not so busy maybe I'll tell you about the night last weekend when Chelsea and I attempted to ride her bike to the Common concert, "attempted" being the key word), some nice volunteer stuff, some successes at school. Nothing guy-related, unfortunately, since I still spend way too much time thinking about how dumb Mike is. The good thing about this is the more time I spend thinking of ways he's being dumb, the more able I am to honestly say, "Wow, getting over him really is a good thing." I'm still kind of wary about trying to make myself get over him because I still believe that he and I have something special, but the longer he's with this bartender girlfriend of his, the more I realize that if he stays with her that just means I can and will do better for myself. I hate to get all vengeful and petty because I know that's stupid, but part of me firmly believes that I will ultimately have the last laugh in all this. I just wish someone better would come along soon 'cause I think that's the last step I'm missing. I've pretty much gotten my act back together, now I just miss having a guy for entertainment. But let me say that even though I tend to think about Mike whenever I come here to write, in general I'm not really sad anymore.
When I was in high school my friend Melissa always used to make fun of me because when I was mildly unhappy with something I'd usually just pretend I was okay with it until I actually WAS okay with it. (Note that I said mildly unhappy. I don't believe in this theory when you're actually in a really bad, miserable, emotionally or physically damaging situation. That's just unhealthy). Melissa used to always tell me that I should let myself feel sad and angry, but you know what I've discovered about myself? I don't LIKE feeling sad and angry. Not for extended amounts of time, anyway. It's cathartic to a certain extent and then it just gets old and starts making me feel out of control, and we all know how much I hate feeling out of control. Plus there are always, always reasons to be sad and angry, and the more you let yourself feel that way the more you find other ways to continue feeling that way, and it just gets worse. It does for me, anyway. So instead I let myself get the initial period of intense sadness and anger out of the way, and then I subscribe to the "Fake it until you make it" philosophy.
I had already been doing this myself for years, and then I found actual scientific evidence backing it up. Given, this scientific evidence came from some magazine along the lines of Glamour so I'm not sure how much credibility it actually has, but whatever. The article said that studies show that if you're not quite happy, you need to fake it until suddenly one day you'll realize you're not faking it anymore and you actually ARE happy.
And you know what? That works for me. If I'm mildly unhappy (like I have been for the past month or so. The first two weeks I was seriously miserable, after that it just turned into mild unhappiness) the best way to get myself out of it is just to pretend that I'm perfectly happy and that everything is just fine and that I don't care about whatever is bugging me. And that forces me to start focusing on the positive instead of on the negative, and before long I'm actually more or less happy again. That doesn't mean there aren't still days that come along and knock me down and set me back a few steps again, but for the most part now I really am feeling happy.
It has been so long since I've been really unhappy about something that I'd forgotten about that theory, but I'm glad I rediscovered it. Like I said, I don't pretend this would ever work for true depression, but for mild ennui and mopiness, it really does work wonders for me.
Anyway, I'll be back soon with exciting stories. In the meantime let me do my school work, okay?