[Let me preface this by saying I am not normally a bitchy or catty person and I would never say these things to either Mike or his girlfriend. I don't intend this post to come across that way, although I know it does. Instead of reading this as me being a bitch, just know that this was the last thing I needed to do to honestly make myself feel better.]
So I have the night off tonight, right? It's Tuesday, I don't have class on Wednesday and I don't have any serious homework due until next week, so I'm giving myself a break.
Amongst other things, I did some MySpace sleuthing and I decided on a whim to see if I could find a picture of Mike's new girlfriend. It was actually pretty easy and took almost no effort. He met her through a friend named Jackie, so I just looked at Jackie's MySpace pictures and sure enough, there was a picture of her with this girl. (P.S.-I am not a MySpace psycho, I was pretty certain I'd be able to find a picture of her on Jackie's profile. Had Jackie not had a picture of her, I would have quit right then. I don't have all night to sleuth around on MySpace, I have better things to do).
Mike had described her to me as having dark hair and blue eyes, which is normally a really good combination so I was expecting her to be pretty damn hot, right? Well...she's not! She's not bad looking, she's actually sort of cute, I suppose. But she has very bad highlights and...oh man, this is good...she has Crazy Eyes!
I know I probably need to define what I mean by Crazy Eyes, but the thing is, Crazy Eyes is hard to define. You just know it when you see it. Crazy Eyes does not mean bad looking eyes or eyes that aren't pretty, it just means there is a look to her eyes that makes me think that deep down she's probably crazy. Kymberli and I started using the term "Crazy Eyes" in college to describe this girl Jaimie that we went to school with who actually ended up being psycho. Now, I'm not saying that this new girl is psycho. But to this day whenever I see people with eyes like that I get concerned. Since the days of Jaimie I've met several other Crazy Eyes people and sure enough, all of them eventually showed their crazy side. And I'm not talking crazy in a good way. I'm talking manic-depressive, or compulsive liar, or some other sort of crazy that manifests itself in more subtle ways until the one day Crazy Eyes finally goes off the deep end. Like I said, I can't explain it. It's just a gleam in the eye combined with sort of a bug-eyed appearance, and this girl definitely has Crazy Eyes.
So I'm not saying that Mike's new girl is crazy. I don't know the girl, for all I know she's perfectly fine. All I'm saying is, I've yet to meet someone with Crazy Eyes that didn't ultimately turn out to be nutty. So yeah, I'll never actually tell Mike that I think his girlfriend has Crazy Eyes. But the fact that I know she does secretly makes me even happier inside than I already was today.
I was afraid I'd find a picture of her and she'd be really hot and gorgeous. And I would admit it if she was. I'm not a very vain person and I have no trouble admitting when other women are prettier than I am. I am by no means gorgeous, and there are a lot of truly gorgeous women out there. But this new girlfriend is definitely not one of them. Like I said, she's cute other than the whole Crazy Eyes factor, but I am definitely the hotter girl. There's no doubt about that in my mind.
Man, I feel better. I was afraid that Mike actually had a really good reason for picking another woman over me. But nope, he has picked a Crazy Eyed girl who bartends for a living (and as far as he knows has no idea what she actually wants to do, which isn't so great when you're already 24).
I know it's stupid and pointless and petty, but the fact that I now know in my mind that I'm better on paper AND better looking as well makes me feel pretty damn good about myself. I think this was the last step I needed to really get over all of this. I realize that there is a lot more to a good romance connection than looks and superficial stuff like careers and money. But at least now if Mike never comes back around to me I'll at least have the satisfaction of knowing that it's his loss and he's actually not picking the better girl. If he does end up staying with her I'll concede that maybe she's the better girl for him, but at least now I know that I'm the Better Girl, period. In a contest based on superficial things like career success and looks, anyway. Haha.
Tuesday, February 28, 2006
Light at the end of the tunnel
I think...and I don't want to speak too soon and jinx myself, so I hope that doesn't happen...but I think I'm more or less feeling better. I had one last crying jag on Sunday evening, but since then there haven't been any more tears. And today I woke up for the first time feeling really good, like I really don't care.
I don't know how to explain how I felt before. I felt really...volatile. Like from one second to the next I didn't know if I was going to be happy or hopeful or whether I'd be on the verge of tears and wanting to just get back into bed or whether I'd be fucking pissed. The anger was the worst because before I could really stop myself I'd be saying bratty, stupid things to Mike. And the thing is, I've realized that I do want us to stay friends. I'm not as optimistic as he is about thinking that we can have the same close friendship that we've always had, but I also realize that I don't want him out of my life. If we're going to stop being friends it's going to happen gradually over time as we go our own ways and grow apart, not because I purposely pushed him away when I was hurt. And who knows, maybe we'll get lucky and really will get to be friends for life. I've been thinking about that lately and I've decided that even if we never get back together again it really would be good to have him as a close friend. I'm not saying I'll be able to sit down and have drinks with him and his girlfriend anytime soon (just the thought of that right now is making my skin crawl) but I can envision a day years from now, both of us with other people, getting together for dinner with our families or something. And I think I'd like that. I think just being friends is going to be hard at first, especially for me. But I also think I'd like to make the effort.
Mainly I'm kind of worried about going to Padre in twelve days. It's just coming up so soon, and although I trust myself and my emotions today, there's no way to predict how I'm going to feel when I'm with him so much for six days. Honestly, I'm not even totally sure why I'm still going except that I know if I don't go, it will be worse. If I don't go down there I'll wonder what would have happened if I did. At least this way I can go there and Mike and I will actually get a chance to try out the "We're just friends" thing. After all, there has never been a single time in our lives that we've been together without at least making out at the end of the night, even when we were supposed to be dating other people and moving on from each other. So I want to make sure that we really can be platonic friends. Because if we can't hang out without making out, then there's not a lot of hope for us even maintaining a friendship. (P.S.-I am definitely not going to fool around with him. I firmly believe in karma and I'm not about to fool around with someone who has a girlfriend, even if I believe he's supposed to be with me. Luckily, I figure he's pretty serious about this girl and probably won't even try to touch me, which might bruise my ego a little bit but will definitely be for the best).
So yeah, I'm gonna go to Padre for spring break and we're gonna try being friends. Worst case scenario, if I get down there and am really miserable and just can't handle being around him I'll just get on a bus and come back to Austin. Jenny has that week off so I'll make her come down and hang out with me or something. Best case scenario, it will end up being a fun week of clubbing and sunbathing and I'll learn that Mike and I really can just be friends without it killing me.
Honestly, though, today I'm feeling pretty good. Today I feel like I can fully trust myself not to fly off the handle or suddenly burst into tears. I'm not saying I might not still feel sad or angry sometimes, but at least now I feel like I have control again and am not getting ambushed by random emotions. And I think I'm done feeling sad for portions of every single day. Probably just every two or three days now. Haha. (By the way, I don't understand how really emotional people survive. It's exhausting feeling that much all the time, not to mention scary).
Anyway, I've been so caught up in all this crap that I haven't talked about other things that have happened lately. First of all, I got another $1000 scholarship for summer, so now I have $2000 total for study abroad. That means that half of my trip is being paid for by the university, which is awesome. And since I have already paid off the other half, I'm good to go. At first I was just going to Stratford because I thought it would be a smart move career-wise, but as it gets closer to summer I'm actually starting to get really, really excited about it.
Cohen had a birthday last week; my baby basset is a whole year old now! We had a party for him and Chelsea's dog, Morty, complete with King Kong birthday hats, hamburgers, and special brownies just for dogs. We're the nerdiest people on the planet, but it was fun.
We're also getting an invisible fence put in at Chelsea's house for the dogs. It's one of those things that gives them a little shock if they get too close to it (a very little shock, I know because I tried one of the collars out on my hand). I think Morty is gonna love having a yard to run around in, and since I take Cohen up there pretty much every weekend it will be a lot of fun for him, too.
I've been out a lot in the past few days, too. Much more than usual. Friday night Chelsea, Shane and I went to Hula Hut in Austin and I had a single drink and somehow got buzzed. Ooh, I also got a great t-shirt there, it has a basset hound on the front wearing a Hawaaian shirt and it says, "Dressed to chill". I love it! Saturday night Chelsea and I went out on 6th Street. It was Mardi Gras weekend so it was pretty crazy. We met a group of soccer players visiting from Vanderbilt for a tournament, and they bought us drinks all night long. I enjoy stuff like that because it makes me feel attractive, but I also just hate meeting guys in bars. The vast majority are after nothing but sex. Oh well, you don't barhop to find a good guy, you barhop to get free drinks and have funny stories to retell later. When I eventually find a good guy I'm sure it will be elsewhere. Last night I went out with my friend Mandi for her birthday. I finally got to meet her boyfriend and her family and some of the people she works with. I had a really good time and got a little buzzed 'cause Mandi kept secretly passing me the shots she didn't want when the guys weren't looking.
I was supposed to have class at 9:30 this morning and I was actually going to drag myself out of bed and go even though all I really wanted to do was sleep for four more hours, but then right as I was about to leave the house my friend Paul, who TAs the class, called me and told me that class was cancelled today! Score! I love it when the world decides to conform to my own personal schedule. I'd already planned to skip Playwriting today just for the hell of it (we get three free absences and I haven't used any yet, and on a day like today I really need a nap) so I e-mailed my Playwriting professor the assignment that was due today and decided to give myself the day off. I'm still gonna go to my night class tonight since I have a paper due, but all I've been doing today is watching TV, napping, and walking Cohen outside because it's a beautiful day. The best part is I have the day off tomorrow, too, because it's Wednesday and I have absolutely no homework due on Thursday. This is turning out to be the easiest week ever!
Alright, I'm gonna go lie around some more until it's time to go to class.
I don't know how to explain how I felt before. I felt really...volatile. Like from one second to the next I didn't know if I was going to be happy or hopeful or whether I'd be on the verge of tears and wanting to just get back into bed or whether I'd be fucking pissed. The anger was the worst because before I could really stop myself I'd be saying bratty, stupid things to Mike. And the thing is, I've realized that I do want us to stay friends. I'm not as optimistic as he is about thinking that we can have the same close friendship that we've always had, but I also realize that I don't want him out of my life. If we're going to stop being friends it's going to happen gradually over time as we go our own ways and grow apart, not because I purposely pushed him away when I was hurt. And who knows, maybe we'll get lucky and really will get to be friends for life. I've been thinking about that lately and I've decided that even if we never get back together again it really would be good to have him as a close friend. I'm not saying I'll be able to sit down and have drinks with him and his girlfriend anytime soon (just the thought of that right now is making my skin crawl) but I can envision a day years from now, both of us with other people, getting together for dinner with our families or something. And I think I'd like that. I think just being friends is going to be hard at first, especially for me. But I also think I'd like to make the effort.
Mainly I'm kind of worried about going to Padre in twelve days. It's just coming up so soon, and although I trust myself and my emotions today, there's no way to predict how I'm going to feel when I'm with him so much for six days. Honestly, I'm not even totally sure why I'm still going except that I know if I don't go, it will be worse. If I don't go down there I'll wonder what would have happened if I did. At least this way I can go there and Mike and I will actually get a chance to try out the "We're just friends" thing. After all, there has never been a single time in our lives that we've been together without at least making out at the end of the night, even when we were supposed to be dating other people and moving on from each other. So I want to make sure that we really can be platonic friends. Because if we can't hang out without making out, then there's not a lot of hope for us even maintaining a friendship. (P.S.-I am definitely not going to fool around with him. I firmly believe in karma and I'm not about to fool around with someone who has a girlfriend, even if I believe he's supposed to be with me. Luckily, I figure he's pretty serious about this girl and probably won't even try to touch me, which might bruise my ego a little bit but will definitely be for the best).
So yeah, I'm gonna go to Padre for spring break and we're gonna try being friends. Worst case scenario, if I get down there and am really miserable and just can't handle being around him I'll just get on a bus and come back to Austin. Jenny has that week off so I'll make her come down and hang out with me or something. Best case scenario, it will end up being a fun week of clubbing and sunbathing and I'll learn that Mike and I really can just be friends without it killing me.
Honestly, though, today I'm feeling pretty good. Today I feel like I can fully trust myself not to fly off the handle or suddenly burst into tears. I'm not saying I might not still feel sad or angry sometimes, but at least now I feel like I have control again and am not getting ambushed by random emotions. And I think I'm done feeling sad for portions of every single day. Probably just every two or three days now. Haha. (By the way, I don't understand how really emotional people survive. It's exhausting feeling that much all the time, not to mention scary).
Anyway, I've been so caught up in all this crap that I haven't talked about other things that have happened lately. First of all, I got another $1000 scholarship for summer, so now I have $2000 total for study abroad. That means that half of my trip is being paid for by the university, which is awesome. And since I have already paid off the other half, I'm good to go. At first I was just going to Stratford because I thought it would be a smart move career-wise, but as it gets closer to summer I'm actually starting to get really, really excited about it.
Cohen had a birthday last week; my baby basset is a whole year old now! We had a party for him and Chelsea's dog, Morty, complete with King Kong birthday hats, hamburgers, and special brownies just for dogs. We're the nerdiest people on the planet, but it was fun.
We're also getting an invisible fence put in at Chelsea's house for the dogs. It's one of those things that gives them a little shock if they get too close to it (a very little shock, I know because I tried one of the collars out on my hand). I think Morty is gonna love having a yard to run around in, and since I take Cohen up there pretty much every weekend it will be a lot of fun for him, too.
I've been out a lot in the past few days, too. Much more than usual. Friday night Chelsea, Shane and I went to Hula Hut in Austin and I had a single drink and somehow got buzzed. Ooh, I also got a great t-shirt there, it has a basset hound on the front wearing a Hawaaian shirt and it says, "Dressed to chill". I love it! Saturday night Chelsea and I went out on 6th Street. It was Mardi Gras weekend so it was pretty crazy. We met a group of soccer players visiting from Vanderbilt for a tournament, and they bought us drinks all night long. I enjoy stuff like that because it makes me feel attractive, but I also just hate meeting guys in bars. The vast majority are after nothing but sex. Oh well, you don't barhop to find a good guy, you barhop to get free drinks and have funny stories to retell later. When I eventually find a good guy I'm sure it will be elsewhere. Last night I went out with my friend Mandi for her birthday. I finally got to meet her boyfriend and her family and some of the people she works with. I had a really good time and got a little buzzed 'cause Mandi kept secretly passing me the shots she didn't want when the guys weren't looking.
I was supposed to have class at 9:30 this morning and I was actually going to drag myself out of bed and go even though all I really wanted to do was sleep for four more hours, but then right as I was about to leave the house my friend Paul, who TAs the class, called me and told me that class was cancelled today! Score! I love it when the world decides to conform to my own personal schedule. I'd already planned to skip Playwriting today just for the hell of it (we get three free absences and I haven't used any yet, and on a day like today I really need a nap) so I e-mailed my Playwriting professor the assignment that was due today and decided to give myself the day off. I'm still gonna go to my night class tonight since I have a paper due, but all I've been doing today is watching TV, napping, and walking Cohen outside because it's a beautiful day. The best part is I have the day off tomorrow, too, because it's Wednesday and I have absolutely no homework due on Thursday. This is turning out to be the easiest week ever!
Alright, I'm gonna go lie around some more until it's time to go to class.
Tuesday, February 21, 2006
Starting over
I couldn't stand having that depressing post on top anymore, so I'm making a new one. This one is only mildly depressing.
I'm not really feeling better yet. Or rather, I'm feeling a lot better, but still not good. Over the weekend things got a lot worse before they started getting better. Mike and I had another long talk but just kept going around in circles, and I didn't feel any better when all was said and done. I spent a pathetically large portion of the weekend curled up and crying, or, alternately, screaming "FUCK" and punching my bed as hard as possible.
I've moved beyond the deepest sadness and actually made it through today without crying (well, without crying until just now when I checked stupid Myspace and discovered his profile says "In a Relationship." Once it's on Myspace you know it's real. But only crying once today is a vast improvement). Now more than anything I'm just mad, although I know that will go away in time, too.
Mostly now I'm just wondering about this: Why is it that whenever guys leave me, I always get this speech: "You're my best friend, you're my logic, you know me better than any girl in the world, I love you so much, I never want to lose you, but I can't be with you right now because (fill in the blank with: you're too far away/I'm not good enough for you/whatever)". That's all nice, and probably all true, but that doesn't make it any easier. If anything, it makes it harder because I can't understand how a guy can give me up when he claims to love me and need me so much. I could never willingly give up someone I loved and respected half as much as these guys claim to love me. It's just crazy to me that this is the second time in a year that I've gotten more or less the same speech from different people. Only in the situation last spring I didn't really believe it. But in this current case I do.
That's what is so frustrating and sad about it.
What's good about it is this: if I can love Mike this much, and he can love me as much as he has, and it turns out he's not even the one for me, imagine how much love and respect there will be between me and the guy that ultimately ends up being the perfect match for me. Because I can't imagine loving anyone more than I love Mike, fitting with anyone better than I fit with him, but clearly he has found a better option than me. If he has found that, then obviously I can, too. And imagine how much love there will be when I find that. It will be unbelievable.
So that's what I'm doing now, I guess. I'm completely single and searching (but not too hard, 'cause we all know you don't find these relationships, they find you). I'm opened to any new possibilities. I hope that one of these days I'll find the one person that will love me so much that from the moment we find each other neither one of us will want to do anything to risk losing the other.
I'm trying to convince myself that until I find that person, good things will happen. I am starting a career that could be really successful if I put my mind to it and don't get distracted by idiot guys. I have good friends, and a wonderful family that can keep me entertained. I can work on staying healthy and getting into even better shape. If I'm not tied down in a relationship it opens up a lot more opportunities for things like travelling and potential career moves. I guess for a while longer I'll just keep being selfish, worrying about me and only me.
It just sucks that to get to all those new potential opportunities I have to go through so much pain first.
Here's the other thing that I'm grappling with: Mike doesn't want me to stop talking to him. He (stupidly) believes that our relationship will be exactly the same as it has always been, just minus sex. What he is forgetting is that once you're in a strong, stable relationship, you give all of your best to that person. For the next few weeks, sure, Mike and I will continue chatting every day like the best friends we are. But he'll get more into his relationship, and soon all the things he would have told me he'll be telling her. And that's only fair, that's how it should be. I'd never want to be in a relationship with a guy knowing that he was sharing all of the emotional stuff he shares with me with another girl. So eventually we'll talk less and less, and I'll get less and less of him as she gets more and more. She'll get all the best of him, and I'll be left with the casual acquaintance friendship. We'll talk once a week, maybe. There's just no way you can possibly be best friends with two people at once, and if your relationship is good your best friend should be the person you're in the relationship with. That's just how it is.
For Mike, it's win-win situation. He gets a girlfriend, and then he gets all the friendship he wants from me. Meanwhile, it's a lose-lose situation for me, because currently I'm in a relationship with no one, and I don't get everything I want from Mike. I don't even get half of what I'd truly like from him.
And then there's the added factor that even if this relationship he's in doesn't work out, it's not like he and I can just pick up right where we left off. I've already been hurt. In the ending of their relationship, more people will be hurt. Now, in order for Mike and I to ever be together again, people are going to have to get hurt.
In short, the odds of us being together again are, in my mind, slim. Unless this new relationship of his ends abrubtly like, tomorrow, the chances of he and I getting together again are very small. The odds of us maintaining the awesome friendship we had as a couple and then all along as we've been more or less single are also slim.
He thinks I'm being melodramatic and thinking too big, and maybe I am. But I understand the fundamental truth that what we had has been completely lost and we can't be together again without a lot of baggage. Could we get beyond that? Yes, if it turns out we were really meant to be.
But all of this has me facing the stark realization that no, we're probably not meant to be.
So yeah, I'm starting all the way over. What I'm trying to decide now is whether or not that should involve not talking to Mike anymore. First I wanted to stop talking to him for petty reasons: why should I give him what he wants when he has hurt me so badly? He shouldn't have the satisfaction of being able to have a girlfriend and also talk to me every day just like old times. Now, I'm just wondering if we should stop talking for practical reasons. How am I supposed to get over him and really move on if we're still talking every day and if somewhere, deep down, I still have hope for all of this? The thing is, the question is not that easy, because part of me thinks it would be stupid to give up the entire friendship. Is the friendship worth keeping, for nostalgia's sake if nothing else? After all, he has been one of my best friends for over five years now, I'd hate to throw all of that away just because I'm angry. But like I said, do you think I'll be able to really get over him if we're still talking all the time?
So I don't know about that. I'm soliciting opinions, if you want to give them. Just please don't call me on the phone to talk about it. I love my friends who are reading this and I appreciate everyone who has been trying to make me feel better, but I just hate talking about this stuff in real life and real time. Right now all I know is that I'm going to attempt this "we're just best friends" stuff for the next month or so, and then I'll reasses the situation. That seems logical, I guess.
Tomorrow is day one of single me. If I were me in guy form, I'd start dating me right away. After all, who doesn't want a girl who is smart, sane and reasonable*, pretty, good in bed, who cooks (okay, still working on that one, but more or less), doesn't expect (or WANT) to be spoiled, and who has a great sense of humor, a love of adventure and a very high tolerance for hours of videogame playing? I'll even let you flirt with other girls at the bar as long as there's no doubt in my mind that you're going home with me.
*Please don't take the last few days as signs of my sanity. Nobody's sanity should be judged just after they have been hurt. I'm pretty raw right now. Give me a couple of days and I'll be back to my calm, cool, rational self. I am a rock. I am an island, etc.
I'm not really feeling better yet. Or rather, I'm feeling a lot better, but still not good. Over the weekend things got a lot worse before they started getting better. Mike and I had another long talk but just kept going around in circles, and I didn't feel any better when all was said and done. I spent a pathetically large portion of the weekend curled up and crying, or, alternately, screaming "FUCK" and punching my bed as hard as possible.
I've moved beyond the deepest sadness and actually made it through today without crying (well, without crying until just now when I checked stupid Myspace and discovered his profile says "In a Relationship." Once it's on Myspace you know it's real. But only crying once today is a vast improvement). Now more than anything I'm just mad, although I know that will go away in time, too.
Mostly now I'm just wondering about this: Why is it that whenever guys leave me, I always get this speech: "You're my best friend, you're my logic, you know me better than any girl in the world, I love you so much, I never want to lose you, but I can't be with you right now because (fill in the blank with: you're too far away/I'm not good enough for you/whatever)". That's all nice, and probably all true, but that doesn't make it any easier. If anything, it makes it harder because I can't understand how a guy can give me up when he claims to love me and need me so much. I could never willingly give up someone I loved and respected half as much as these guys claim to love me. It's just crazy to me that this is the second time in a year that I've gotten more or less the same speech from different people. Only in the situation last spring I didn't really believe it. But in this current case I do.
That's what is so frustrating and sad about it.
What's good about it is this: if I can love Mike this much, and he can love me as much as he has, and it turns out he's not even the one for me, imagine how much love and respect there will be between me and the guy that ultimately ends up being the perfect match for me. Because I can't imagine loving anyone more than I love Mike, fitting with anyone better than I fit with him, but clearly he has found a better option than me. If he has found that, then obviously I can, too. And imagine how much love there will be when I find that. It will be unbelievable.
So that's what I'm doing now, I guess. I'm completely single and searching (but not too hard, 'cause we all know you don't find these relationships, they find you). I'm opened to any new possibilities. I hope that one of these days I'll find the one person that will love me so much that from the moment we find each other neither one of us will want to do anything to risk losing the other.
I'm trying to convince myself that until I find that person, good things will happen. I am starting a career that could be really successful if I put my mind to it and don't get distracted by idiot guys. I have good friends, and a wonderful family that can keep me entertained. I can work on staying healthy and getting into even better shape. If I'm not tied down in a relationship it opens up a lot more opportunities for things like travelling and potential career moves. I guess for a while longer I'll just keep being selfish, worrying about me and only me.
It just sucks that to get to all those new potential opportunities I have to go through so much pain first.
Here's the other thing that I'm grappling with: Mike doesn't want me to stop talking to him. He (stupidly) believes that our relationship will be exactly the same as it has always been, just minus sex. What he is forgetting is that once you're in a strong, stable relationship, you give all of your best to that person. For the next few weeks, sure, Mike and I will continue chatting every day like the best friends we are. But he'll get more into his relationship, and soon all the things he would have told me he'll be telling her. And that's only fair, that's how it should be. I'd never want to be in a relationship with a guy knowing that he was sharing all of the emotional stuff he shares with me with another girl. So eventually we'll talk less and less, and I'll get less and less of him as she gets more and more. She'll get all the best of him, and I'll be left with the casual acquaintance friendship. We'll talk once a week, maybe. There's just no way you can possibly be best friends with two people at once, and if your relationship is good your best friend should be the person you're in the relationship with. That's just how it is.
For Mike, it's win-win situation. He gets a girlfriend, and then he gets all the friendship he wants from me. Meanwhile, it's a lose-lose situation for me, because currently I'm in a relationship with no one, and I don't get everything I want from Mike. I don't even get half of what I'd truly like from him.
And then there's the added factor that even if this relationship he's in doesn't work out, it's not like he and I can just pick up right where we left off. I've already been hurt. In the ending of their relationship, more people will be hurt. Now, in order for Mike and I to ever be together again, people are going to have to get hurt.
In short, the odds of us being together again are, in my mind, slim. Unless this new relationship of his ends abrubtly like, tomorrow, the chances of he and I getting together again are very small. The odds of us maintaining the awesome friendship we had as a couple and then all along as we've been more or less single are also slim.
He thinks I'm being melodramatic and thinking too big, and maybe I am. But I understand the fundamental truth that what we had has been completely lost and we can't be together again without a lot of baggage. Could we get beyond that? Yes, if it turns out we were really meant to be.
But all of this has me facing the stark realization that no, we're probably not meant to be.
So yeah, I'm starting all the way over. What I'm trying to decide now is whether or not that should involve not talking to Mike anymore. First I wanted to stop talking to him for petty reasons: why should I give him what he wants when he has hurt me so badly? He shouldn't have the satisfaction of being able to have a girlfriend and also talk to me every day just like old times. Now, I'm just wondering if we should stop talking for practical reasons. How am I supposed to get over him and really move on if we're still talking every day and if somewhere, deep down, I still have hope for all of this? The thing is, the question is not that easy, because part of me thinks it would be stupid to give up the entire friendship. Is the friendship worth keeping, for nostalgia's sake if nothing else? After all, he has been one of my best friends for over five years now, I'd hate to throw all of that away just because I'm angry. But like I said, do you think I'll be able to really get over him if we're still talking all the time?
So I don't know about that. I'm soliciting opinions, if you want to give them. Just please don't call me on the phone to talk about it. I love my friends who are reading this and I appreciate everyone who has been trying to make me feel better, but I just hate talking about this stuff in real life and real time. Right now all I know is that I'm going to attempt this "we're just best friends" stuff for the next month or so, and then I'll reasses the situation. That seems logical, I guess.
Tomorrow is day one of single me. If I were me in guy form, I'd start dating me right away. After all, who doesn't want a girl who is smart, sane and reasonable*, pretty, good in bed, who cooks (okay, still working on that one, but more or less), doesn't expect (or WANT) to be spoiled, and who has a great sense of humor, a love of adventure and a very high tolerance for hours of videogame playing? I'll even let you flirt with other girls at the bar as long as there's no doubt in my mind that you're going home with me.
*Please don't take the last few days as signs of my sanity. Nobody's sanity should be judged just after they have been hurt. I'm pretty raw right now. Give me a couple of days and I'll be back to my calm, cool, rational self. I am a rock. I am an island, etc.
Saturday, February 18, 2006
Goddamn, I hate when I'm right
So after all my rambling in my last post and trying to convince myself not to worry, what do I find out today?
That Mike went out on another date with the Valentine's Day Girl on Thursday night. He's been sort of distant all week, and now I know why. And the only reason he even told me about it in the first place was because I was nice enough to mention to him that I might go out with a guy tonight. I just wanted to tell him that I was going to go but not to worry about it, 'cause I didn't want it to come out later and have him be upset about it. Well, come to find out he couldn't care less what I'm up to tonight. Because he has a new girl. I asked him if they're going to start dating and he said "I don't know."
God, I hate this. I'm so sad now, and the worst part about it is that I know I'm sad over nothing. Well, sad over EVERYTHING, but it's nothing either of us can control. We talked on the phone for a long time this afternoon, and I told him that I wish he could do something to make me feel better, but he can't. It's all internal stuff due to my personality that's making me so sad. I like things very definite and organized and neat and planned, and I can't have any of that in a relationship situation and it drives me crazy.
He has every right to see other girls, just like I have every right to see other guys. I would like that to change, but I know that a long distance committed relationship sucks just as much as we're doing right now, plus he wouldn't be a willing participant in a commitment right now so there's no point. The only way I could get him to do it would be by giving him an ultimatum, and even then he probably wouldn't do it. If we do eventually have a committed relationship I want it to be both of our decisions, not me forcing him into it. And we talked about all of this, how if it's meant to be it's going to happen, how he's not actively seeking out other girls but he's not going to stop pursuing his options there if they come to him, that he'd like to be with me but it's just too hard right now. I told him how hard it is for me because I'm pretty sure that I just want to be with him and I know that he's not completely sure that he wants to be with me (Hence the fact that he still feels the need to date other people and honestly, I don't. The only reason I want someone to date right now is because hell, if he's gonna look for other options I might as well do it, too). It's just so hard. He pointed out that so much could happen in a year and we just have to take it day by day, and I know that, I just don't like it. I feel like it's such an unfair situation. I know that Mike and I are great together, but how am I supposed to compete with someone in El Paso? When he has a girl right there to see every day, have lunch with, run errands with, drink with on the weekends, sleep with every night, what the hell do I have to offer him when I'm nothing but some typed words and a voice on the phone once in a while? I don't even have a fair chance to fight for this guy that I love, and I HATE THAT.
And I know, I know. I know that it's possible he may not be the right guy for me at all. I know there's every possibility that if we do ever end up in the same city again with the opportunity to have a real relationship, it might last only two months before we realize it's all wrong and we're ready to kill each other. We haven't been together in the same place for longer than three months at a time since we were in high school. I realize that we have no idea how we'd really react to each other in a long-term situation in which we see each other every day while doing day-to-day things like holding down jobs and paying bills and dealing with the stress of everyday life. Maybe if we did ever live together his habits that I find endearing now would make me insane. Maybe Mike and I are not really supposed to ever be together at all and there's an amazing guy out there in this world that will somehow make me feel just the way Mike makes me feel, only even better. Or maybe my fate is to be alone and be a strong woman with a brilliant career who finds satisfaction in a solitary life. I don't know, I have no fucking clue and that's partially what makes this all so hard. But the thing is, I feel like if Mike and I don't get to ever at least try it, I'm going to always spend my life wondering, "What if..." It would be a major, major regret. So far I've managed to live a life free from major regrets, and I don't intend to start having regrets now. And if he falls for someone in El Paso, he and I are never going to get to try this at all.
Ugh. I guess that's what I get for trying to tell myself to be optimistic. From now on I'm going back to expecting the worst.
The one good thing about all this is that when I get sad I have a hard time eating. I only ate one meal today, 'cause my stomach is all knotted up. So if this continues I'll get all svelte, just in time for Padre...except that oh wait, if this continues I won't be going to Padre after all. Why does it always have to be complicated? Sigh.
To change the subject now, since I'm just making myself more sad:
Pop culture is very weird. I love how so many times I've never heard of something at all and then suddenly one day it's the only thing I hear about. That happened last week with this music artit, Sufjan Stevens. He's an indie rock guy. Last week I heard a song on The O.C. that I loved. I remembered about it Thursday night so I went on a mission to find out who sings it. Turns out the song has the longest title ever (For the Widows in Paradise, for the Fatherless in Ypsilante) and is sung by this Sufjan Stevens guy. So I did some more research looking for a place to download the song, only to find out that he sings this other song, Chicago, that I heard on NPR one morning last week on my way to class and really liked. How weird to find out that he sang both of the new songs I've liked within the past week. Even weirder that the same artist was being played on both The O.C. and NPR. Even WEIRDER that I regularly watch The O.C. and listen to NPR. I'm neither fifteen nor sixty-five, but you'd never know it from my entertainment choices.
Another thing: Do you ever have a sex dream about some random person and then see them the next day and feel really awkward and embarrassed even though there's no possible way the person could know about your dream? That happened to me after I finally went to sleep on Thursday night. I had this really strange game about this guy Z. (I won't put his full name since it's not his fault I'm having weird sex dreams about him). I've only really hung out with Z. once in my life, and he was really nice and funny but I wasn't at all attracted to him. He's really short, and he's made like a film actor, meaning he has a head that is way too large for his body. He has an attractive face and very pretty eyes, but he's a bit too bobble-head for my tastes. Plus he has a girlfriend that I like a whole lot, so even if I were attracted to him I would have tried to crush it immediately since they're obviously happy together. Despite the fact that I'm not attracted to him at all in my waking life, in my dream we definitely had sex. Funnily enough, I don't really remember much about the actual sex part of the dream. Mainly I remember the part where we were undressing each other, and the part afterwards when we were cuddling in bed and he was telling me how I should hang out with him and his girlfriend more often and I was thinking, "Dude, are you serious? Do you know how awkward that would be now?"
So anyway, I had that dream and then the next night I was working box office and he was there to usher, since he works for me this semester. He hung out around the box office before many people showed up, and me and the other girls selling tickets were chatting with him, and the whole time in my head I was thinking to myself, "Why were you naked in my dream last night?!" and blushing internally thinking about the whole thing.
AND THEN, ha, it was freezing yesterday, and for some reason Z. had been wearing a ski bib in class all day to keep warm (don't ak me why, he's just sort of quirky like that). He'd put on a nice outfit to usher, but then once the show had started and the audience was all closed away in the show upstairs and the rest of us workers were getting ready to go home for the night, he came into the box office and told me and the house manager, "I'm gonna change back here, are you girls okay with that?" We both said we were fine with that, but the whole time I couldn't believe that the guy I'd had a random sex dream about was randomly stripping down and changing from a suit into a ski bib two feet away from me. Apparently I can will guys into nakedness. Who knew?
Anyway, it's almost 11 and I haven't heard from my friends, so I guess the ice must have kept them from coming down after all. Oh well, I wouldn't have been much fun tonight anyway. I'm gonna curl up in a sad little ball and drink some hot chocolate. Maybe tomorrow will be better.
That Mike went out on another date with the Valentine's Day Girl on Thursday night. He's been sort of distant all week, and now I know why. And the only reason he even told me about it in the first place was because I was nice enough to mention to him that I might go out with a guy tonight. I just wanted to tell him that I was going to go but not to worry about it, 'cause I didn't want it to come out later and have him be upset about it. Well, come to find out he couldn't care less what I'm up to tonight. Because he has a new girl. I asked him if they're going to start dating and he said "I don't know."
God, I hate this. I'm so sad now, and the worst part about it is that I know I'm sad over nothing. Well, sad over EVERYTHING, but it's nothing either of us can control. We talked on the phone for a long time this afternoon, and I told him that I wish he could do something to make me feel better, but he can't. It's all internal stuff due to my personality that's making me so sad. I like things very definite and organized and neat and planned, and I can't have any of that in a relationship situation and it drives me crazy.
He has every right to see other girls, just like I have every right to see other guys. I would like that to change, but I know that a long distance committed relationship sucks just as much as we're doing right now, plus he wouldn't be a willing participant in a commitment right now so there's no point. The only way I could get him to do it would be by giving him an ultimatum, and even then he probably wouldn't do it. If we do eventually have a committed relationship I want it to be both of our decisions, not me forcing him into it. And we talked about all of this, how if it's meant to be it's going to happen, how he's not actively seeking out other girls but he's not going to stop pursuing his options there if they come to him, that he'd like to be with me but it's just too hard right now. I told him how hard it is for me because I'm pretty sure that I just want to be with him and I know that he's not completely sure that he wants to be with me (Hence the fact that he still feels the need to date other people and honestly, I don't. The only reason I want someone to date right now is because hell, if he's gonna look for other options I might as well do it, too). It's just so hard. He pointed out that so much could happen in a year and we just have to take it day by day, and I know that, I just don't like it. I feel like it's such an unfair situation. I know that Mike and I are great together, but how am I supposed to compete with someone in El Paso? When he has a girl right there to see every day, have lunch with, run errands with, drink with on the weekends, sleep with every night, what the hell do I have to offer him when I'm nothing but some typed words and a voice on the phone once in a while? I don't even have a fair chance to fight for this guy that I love, and I HATE THAT.
And I know, I know. I know that it's possible he may not be the right guy for me at all. I know there's every possibility that if we do ever end up in the same city again with the opportunity to have a real relationship, it might last only two months before we realize it's all wrong and we're ready to kill each other. We haven't been together in the same place for longer than three months at a time since we were in high school. I realize that we have no idea how we'd really react to each other in a long-term situation in which we see each other every day while doing day-to-day things like holding down jobs and paying bills and dealing with the stress of everyday life. Maybe if we did ever live together his habits that I find endearing now would make me insane. Maybe Mike and I are not really supposed to ever be together at all and there's an amazing guy out there in this world that will somehow make me feel just the way Mike makes me feel, only even better. Or maybe my fate is to be alone and be a strong woman with a brilliant career who finds satisfaction in a solitary life. I don't know, I have no fucking clue and that's partially what makes this all so hard. But the thing is, I feel like if Mike and I don't get to ever at least try it, I'm going to always spend my life wondering, "What if..." It would be a major, major regret. So far I've managed to live a life free from major regrets, and I don't intend to start having regrets now. And if he falls for someone in El Paso, he and I are never going to get to try this at all.
Ugh. I guess that's what I get for trying to tell myself to be optimistic. From now on I'm going back to expecting the worst.
The one good thing about all this is that when I get sad I have a hard time eating. I only ate one meal today, 'cause my stomach is all knotted up. So if this continues I'll get all svelte, just in time for Padre...except that oh wait, if this continues I won't be going to Padre after all. Why does it always have to be complicated? Sigh.
To change the subject now, since I'm just making myself more sad:
Pop culture is very weird. I love how so many times I've never heard of something at all and then suddenly one day it's the only thing I hear about. That happened last week with this music artit, Sufjan Stevens. He's an indie rock guy. Last week I heard a song on The O.C. that I loved. I remembered about it Thursday night so I went on a mission to find out who sings it. Turns out the song has the longest title ever (For the Widows in Paradise, for the Fatherless in Ypsilante) and is sung by this Sufjan Stevens guy. So I did some more research looking for a place to download the song, only to find out that he sings this other song, Chicago, that I heard on NPR one morning last week on my way to class and really liked. How weird to find out that he sang both of the new songs I've liked within the past week. Even weirder that the same artist was being played on both The O.C. and NPR. Even WEIRDER that I regularly watch The O.C. and listen to NPR. I'm neither fifteen nor sixty-five, but you'd never know it from my entertainment choices.
Another thing: Do you ever have a sex dream about some random person and then see them the next day and feel really awkward and embarrassed even though there's no possible way the person could know about your dream? That happened to me after I finally went to sleep on Thursday night. I had this really strange game about this guy Z. (I won't put his full name since it's not his fault I'm having weird sex dreams about him). I've only really hung out with Z. once in my life, and he was really nice and funny but I wasn't at all attracted to him. He's really short, and he's made like a film actor, meaning he has a head that is way too large for his body. He has an attractive face and very pretty eyes, but he's a bit too bobble-head for my tastes. Plus he has a girlfriend that I like a whole lot, so even if I were attracted to him I would have tried to crush it immediately since they're obviously happy together. Despite the fact that I'm not attracted to him at all in my waking life, in my dream we definitely had sex. Funnily enough, I don't really remember much about the actual sex part of the dream. Mainly I remember the part where we were undressing each other, and the part afterwards when we were cuddling in bed and he was telling me how I should hang out with him and his girlfriend more often and I was thinking, "Dude, are you serious? Do you know how awkward that would be now?"
So anyway, I had that dream and then the next night I was working box office and he was there to usher, since he works for me this semester. He hung out around the box office before many people showed up, and me and the other girls selling tickets were chatting with him, and the whole time in my head I was thinking to myself, "Why were you naked in my dream last night?!" and blushing internally thinking about the whole thing.
AND THEN, ha, it was freezing yesterday, and for some reason Z. had been wearing a ski bib in class all day to keep warm (don't ak me why, he's just sort of quirky like that). He'd put on a nice outfit to usher, but then once the show had started and the audience was all closed away in the show upstairs and the rest of us workers were getting ready to go home for the night, he came into the box office and told me and the house manager, "I'm gonna change back here, are you girls okay with that?" We both said we were fine with that, but the whole time I couldn't believe that the guy I'd had a random sex dream about was randomly stripping down and changing from a suit into a ski bib two feet away from me. Apparently I can will guys into nakedness. Who knew?
Anyway, it's almost 11 and I haven't heard from my friends, so I guess the ice must have kept them from coming down after all. Oh well, I wouldn't have been much fun tonight anyway. I'm gonna curl up in a sad little ball and drink some hot chocolate. Maybe tomorrow will be better.
Thursday, February 16, 2006
I say "frustrating" a million times in this post
I should be in a good mood right now. It's the weekend. I kicked ass on my second dramaturgy project tonight, and got a ton of compliments on my work, which makes it totally worth it that I had to stay up until 5 a.m. last night to finish it (I did in fact skip Directing this morning so that I could sleep until 1:00 this afternoon, so actually having to stay up most of the night wasn't that big a deal). I don't have too much work due for next week so I actually get to relax this weekend. All in all I had a really good day.
So why do I feel so discontent right now?
My suspicion is that it has to do with Mike, which annoys me because I hate any time I start to get remotely worked up about guy stuff. It's just that most of the time this partial relationship is okay with me, but other times for no reason at all it starts to frustrate me. We had a talk recently that reassured me. It made me realize that I'm not making crazy assumptions and projecting the way I feel onto him, and it made me realize that we're on the same page about where this thing we're doing has the potential to go. But that reassurance lasted all of a couple of days before I started worrying a little bit again.
I feel terrible because I always assume the worst of him. Every time he goes out with a girl who is a friend I can't help feeling like maybe he's suddenly going to realize he likes her more than just a friend. On Valentine's Day he went on a double date as a favor for a friend, and when he didn't get home until 5 a.m. my time I assumed that meant they probably really hit it off with the girl and the reason he got home so late was because they were at least making out, if not more. Right now he has an away message up that says something about loving bitches, and I'm sure it's just his usual meaningless nonsense but I can't get rid of the nagging feeling at the back of my mind wondering what he's up to tonight and which bitches it is that he loves so much. Every time I mention my worries (and I try not to bother him about it too much) he reassures me that I have no reason to be sad or worried and that he's not even seeing anyone else right now, and I believe him every time but it does take some convincing. And he doesn't deserve that. He's a good guy, he doesn't deserve my constant suspicion.
And I hate myself when I get like this. I hate the pointless jealousy, because deep down inside I know there's nothing I can do about it. If he's gonna fall for someone else it's going to happen and nothing I can do can change that. The worst part is, I know it makes him feel bad when I imply that I don't trust him, and I hate making him feel like I think he's a slut.
But at the same time, as long as we're in this partial relationship, I'm going to assume the worst. As long as he's still allowed to date/make out with/sleep with other people, I'm going to assume he will.
I think if we were in a committed relationship it would be different. I DO trust him, and I know that if we were actually dating then he'd break up with me before he'd cheat on me. That's just the sort of guy he is. But in this case, he has no reason to be faithful to me, he has no reason to stop looking for someone better than me, and I am so scared to let myself fall completely for him again. I want to, I want to so badly, but I'm afraid that the second I let my guard down and actually let myself believe that maybe he's not looking for a better girl every night, that's the night he's gonna call me while my guard is down and tell me, "I'm so sorry, but I can't do this with you anymore, I've found someone perfect for me and it isn't you after all."
And it's such a double-edged sword, because for my own personal reasons I'm scared to let down my guard. I need this jealousy and suspicion as a defense mechanism right now. At the same time, I'm sure it's a total turn-off to him and every time I question his relationship with somebody else I'm doing nothing but upsetting him and making him think that I'm a crazy girl and I'm really not. I need to stop acting like this, but sometimes it's just really hard to control.
The other really frustrating thing about it is that I feel like he is surrounded by eligible girls all the time. I may not think they're the most interesting, funny, cute people in the world, but I know that HE does (well, maybe he doesn't think they're the best in the world, but he likes them enough to flirt with them, at least). I think that if I had some prospects here it would be different. Not that I even have desire to pursue other guys right now, 'cause I really don't. Not seriously. But it's frustrating to me that I couldn't even if I wanted to. Every guy I know here is either a) too young, b) gay, or c) married. Ah, the frustrations of being a single, young woman in a theatre graduate program. I'd like to at least have some guys to flirt with, like he has girls to flirt with. That would make me feel more confident I think, because as it stands right now Mike spends his weekends out with his guy friends and a bunch of single girls, and I spend my weekends with girlfriends or playing hag to Matthew. Not that I don't love hanging out with Matthew, but there's just not much action for me on 4th Street, ya know? As a result, I end up feeling that I'm at a disadvantage. It's especially frustrating because as an undergrad I constantly had guys to flirt with. It's going to sound conceited, but I used to be able to walk into a bar/party and not just have one guy to flirt with, I actually had options. Lots of options, of people I enjoyed flirting with who seemed to enjoy flirting back. And I miss that innocent flirting.
These days, I honestly feel ready to put non-innocent flirting behind me (I will never give up innocent flirting and I'd never expect a guy in a relationship with me to give it up, either. Flirting is one of the fun parts of life). However, it wasn't my intention to be totally committed to Mike at this point because I know it's too early to expect him to be totally committed to me. But I'm committed to him by default at this point because there's nobody else to give him a run for his money here, and that's frustrating because I feel like there are dozens of girls in El Paso trying to win him over.
I realize that he's an attractive guy, and that he's flirtatious by nature. I know that's never going to change, and honestly, I'm okay with that. I like to think of myself as attractive and somewhat flirtatious myself. But flirtation is a whole lot easier to deal with when there's a commitment and I know it's not going to go anywhere beyond innocent flirting. It's also a whole lot easier when I have people to flirt with, too, damn it! I either want both of us flirting with other people or neither of us doing it. The imbalance is what's frustrating me more than anything.
Oh well, right now I just need to chill the fuck out, and I know that. This whole thing is just about relaxing and waiting to see what happens. Whatever will be, will be. I know that. It's just hard to convince myself sometimes that it's all going to be okay no matter what happens.
So why do I feel so discontent right now?
My suspicion is that it has to do with Mike, which annoys me because I hate any time I start to get remotely worked up about guy stuff. It's just that most of the time this partial relationship is okay with me, but other times for no reason at all it starts to frustrate me. We had a talk recently that reassured me. It made me realize that I'm not making crazy assumptions and projecting the way I feel onto him, and it made me realize that we're on the same page about where this thing we're doing has the potential to go. But that reassurance lasted all of a couple of days before I started worrying a little bit again.
I feel terrible because I always assume the worst of him. Every time he goes out with a girl who is a friend I can't help feeling like maybe he's suddenly going to realize he likes her more than just a friend. On Valentine's Day he went on a double date as a favor for a friend, and when he didn't get home until 5 a.m. my time I assumed that meant they probably really hit it off with the girl and the reason he got home so late was because they were at least making out, if not more. Right now he has an away message up that says something about loving bitches, and I'm sure it's just his usual meaningless nonsense but I can't get rid of the nagging feeling at the back of my mind wondering what he's up to tonight and which bitches it is that he loves so much. Every time I mention my worries (and I try not to bother him about it too much) he reassures me that I have no reason to be sad or worried and that he's not even seeing anyone else right now, and I believe him every time but it does take some convincing. And he doesn't deserve that. He's a good guy, he doesn't deserve my constant suspicion.
And I hate myself when I get like this. I hate the pointless jealousy, because deep down inside I know there's nothing I can do about it. If he's gonna fall for someone else it's going to happen and nothing I can do can change that. The worst part is, I know it makes him feel bad when I imply that I don't trust him, and I hate making him feel like I think he's a slut.
But at the same time, as long as we're in this partial relationship, I'm going to assume the worst. As long as he's still allowed to date/make out with/sleep with other people, I'm going to assume he will.
I think if we were in a committed relationship it would be different. I DO trust him, and I know that if we were actually dating then he'd break up with me before he'd cheat on me. That's just the sort of guy he is. But in this case, he has no reason to be faithful to me, he has no reason to stop looking for someone better than me, and I am so scared to let myself fall completely for him again. I want to, I want to so badly, but I'm afraid that the second I let my guard down and actually let myself believe that maybe he's not looking for a better girl every night, that's the night he's gonna call me while my guard is down and tell me, "I'm so sorry, but I can't do this with you anymore, I've found someone perfect for me and it isn't you after all."
And it's such a double-edged sword, because for my own personal reasons I'm scared to let down my guard. I need this jealousy and suspicion as a defense mechanism right now. At the same time, I'm sure it's a total turn-off to him and every time I question his relationship with somebody else I'm doing nothing but upsetting him and making him think that I'm a crazy girl and I'm really not. I need to stop acting like this, but sometimes it's just really hard to control.
The other really frustrating thing about it is that I feel like he is surrounded by eligible girls all the time. I may not think they're the most interesting, funny, cute people in the world, but I know that HE does (well, maybe he doesn't think they're the best in the world, but he likes them enough to flirt with them, at least). I think that if I had some prospects here it would be different. Not that I even have desire to pursue other guys right now, 'cause I really don't. Not seriously. But it's frustrating to me that I couldn't even if I wanted to. Every guy I know here is either a) too young, b) gay, or c) married. Ah, the frustrations of being a single, young woman in a theatre graduate program. I'd like to at least have some guys to flirt with, like he has girls to flirt with. That would make me feel more confident I think, because as it stands right now Mike spends his weekends out with his guy friends and a bunch of single girls, and I spend my weekends with girlfriends or playing hag to Matthew. Not that I don't love hanging out with Matthew, but there's just not much action for me on 4th Street, ya know? As a result, I end up feeling that I'm at a disadvantage. It's especially frustrating because as an undergrad I constantly had guys to flirt with. It's going to sound conceited, but I used to be able to walk into a bar/party and not just have one guy to flirt with, I actually had options. Lots of options, of people I enjoyed flirting with who seemed to enjoy flirting back. And I miss that innocent flirting.
These days, I honestly feel ready to put non-innocent flirting behind me (I will never give up innocent flirting and I'd never expect a guy in a relationship with me to give it up, either. Flirting is one of the fun parts of life). However, it wasn't my intention to be totally committed to Mike at this point because I know it's too early to expect him to be totally committed to me. But I'm committed to him by default at this point because there's nobody else to give him a run for his money here, and that's frustrating because I feel like there are dozens of girls in El Paso trying to win him over.
I realize that he's an attractive guy, and that he's flirtatious by nature. I know that's never going to change, and honestly, I'm okay with that. I like to think of myself as attractive and somewhat flirtatious myself. But flirtation is a whole lot easier to deal with when there's a commitment and I know it's not going to go anywhere beyond innocent flirting. It's also a whole lot easier when I have people to flirt with, too, damn it! I either want both of us flirting with other people or neither of us doing it. The imbalance is what's frustrating me more than anything.
Oh well, right now I just need to chill the fuck out, and I know that. This whole thing is just about relaxing and waiting to see what happens. Whatever will be, will be. I know that. It's just hard to convince myself sometimes that it's all going to be okay no matter what happens.
Tuesday, February 14, 2006
Horrible Day!
So today is Valentine's Day. Mike started referring to it as "Horrible Day" years ago when we were first dating, and we still call it that. Actually, he called it "Terrible Day" the other day but I had to correct him, 'cause it's all about the alliteration.
My Horrible Day was by no means horrible. It was mostly uneventful.
The best part about it was that Mike was my "anti-Valentine", and he sent me boat shoes for Valentine's Day!
http://www.sperrytopsider.com/shopping/product/detailmain.jsp?itemID=905&itemType=PRODUCT&RS=1&keyword=
It's those ones, to be exact. Seafoam blue boat shoes! I think he mostly bought them kind of as a joke since he's really obsessed with boat shoes right now, but they're surprisingly cute and really comfortable. I was all preppy today in my khaki skirt and my boat shoes. I dig them.
Otherwise I did nothing for Valentine's Day. I had a really long day of school and then work, and by the time I got home this evening I didn't want to do anything other than eat Jack in the Box and chill.
Unfortunately, I have a hell of a lot of stuff to do between now and Thursday and I'm actually kind of stressed right now, so I couldn't really relax like I wanted to. I have an imaging project due in my night class on Thursday and it's not hard to do but it's very time consuming. I'm sure I'll be working on it all day tomorrow and probably right up until class time on Thursday. I've already decided I'll skip my morning class Thursday to continue working if I have to, since there's no time like the present to start the downward spiral of skipping one class to prepare for another!
So I used my time productively tonight and watched Garden State so that I could write my analysis about it for Playwriting (it's times like that when I realize I can't bitch all that much about studying theatre, as sometimes my homework is quite literally watching movies). That's one project for Thursday done, anyway. I forgot that Garden State always makes me cry, though, and now I'm sort of regretting that I watched it. I love that movie so much, but I cry every. single. time. I keep waiting for the time I can finally watch it without crying at the end, but even if I'm not that emotionally invested in it I still end up tearing up at the end. It's that part where he tells her to look at him but she won't because she's crying and he's like, "Look at me. I've only known you for four days and you've changed my life." Gah. And then he comes back to her at the end and he's all emotionally screwed up but they're gonna find some way to work it out because they know they belong together...damn.
Anyway, I should probably go to bed so I can get stuff done tomorrow. I'm ready for Friday already.
P.S.-My mom sent me a new bra for Valentine's Day (as she does every year), and this year it is awesome. It is the only bra I've ever had that makes me seem like I have serious cleavage. It's very similar to this one, in the "exotic fuschia" color. Oooh, exotic fuschia. Seriously, I had a couple of bras that I go to whenever I need a boost in the cleavage department, but I'm totally done with those ones now. This one blows them away.
There, I showed you my underwear. Happy Valentine's Day.
My Horrible Day was by no means horrible. It was mostly uneventful.
The best part about it was that Mike was my "anti-Valentine", and he sent me boat shoes for Valentine's Day!
http://www.sperrytopsider.com/shopping/product/detailmain.jsp?itemID=905&itemType=PRODUCT&RS=1&keyword=
It's those ones, to be exact. Seafoam blue boat shoes! I think he mostly bought them kind of as a joke since he's really obsessed with boat shoes right now, but they're surprisingly cute and really comfortable. I was all preppy today in my khaki skirt and my boat shoes. I dig them.
Otherwise I did nothing for Valentine's Day. I had a really long day of school and then work, and by the time I got home this evening I didn't want to do anything other than eat Jack in the Box and chill.
Unfortunately, I have a hell of a lot of stuff to do between now and Thursday and I'm actually kind of stressed right now, so I couldn't really relax like I wanted to. I have an imaging project due in my night class on Thursday and it's not hard to do but it's very time consuming. I'm sure I'll be working on it all day tomorrow and probably right up until class time on Thursday. I've already decided I'll skip my morning class Thursday to continue working if I have to, since there's no time like the present to start the downward spiral of skipping one class to prepare for another!
So I used my time productively tonight and watched Garden State so that I could write my analysis about it for Playwriting (it's times like that when I realize I can't bitch all that much about studying theatre, as sometimes my homework is quite literally watching movies). That's one project for Thursday done, anyway. I forgot that Garden State always makes me cry, though, and now I'm sort of regretting that I watched it. I love that movie so much, but I cry every. single. time. I keep waiting for the time I can finally watch it without crying at the end, but even if I'm not that emotionally invested in it I still end up tearing up at the end. It's that part where he tells her to look at him but she won't because she's crying and he's like, "Look at me. I've only known you for four days and you've changed my life." Gah. And then he comes back to her at the end and he's all emotionally screwed up but they're gonna find some way to work it out because they know they belong together...damn.
Anyway, I should probably go to bed so I can get stuff done tomorrow. I'm ready for Friday already.
P.S.-My mom sent me a new bra for Valentine's Day (as she does every year), and this year it is awesome. It is the only bra I've ever had that makes me seem like I have serious cleavage. It's very similar to this one, in the "exotic fuschia" color. Oooh, exotic fuschia. Seriously, I had a couple of bras that I go to whenever I need a boost in the cleavage department, but I'm totally done with those ones now. This one blows them away.
There, I showed you my underwear. Happy Valentine's Day.
Tuesday, February 07, 2006
Meme me
I never do memes (Who made up the word meme in the first place and what does it actually mean? Is it short for something? I don't get it and I'm too lazy to Google it) but I'm going to do one tonight 'cause I don't feel like doing anything more worthwhile.
Four jobs I was really, really bad at:
1. Hostess at my dad's restaurant. I wasn't so much bad at this job as I just HATED it. I hated being at the bottom of the food chain and having to do all the server's bitch work, I hated side work, I hated waiting for the dishwasher to finish his job so I could roll one last tub of silverware before going home, I hated how when I finally got to just stand still and zone out for a while my manager would think of some stupid job that needed to be done like dusting the plants...basically, I hated everything about it.
2. Student teaching. Okay, so I actually wasn't too bad at this job either (as evidenced by the fact that I did actually earn my teaching certification), but I could have done much better. I was late pretty much every day, I was hungover twenty percent of the time (and just damn tired the rest of the time), and I used to spend my conference periods sleeping in my car in the back of the parking lot of a nearby Wal-Mart instead of planning exciting and engaging lesson plans. Yeah, I totally phoned that one in.
Since I think I was actually semi-decent at my other jobs and more or less enjoyed them (waitressing, bartending at Bass Hall, and anything theatre-related I've ever had to do) I will finish this list up with things I've never actually done but that I just know I'd be terrible at:
3. Any job that involves drawing and/or cutting straight lines. I'm not sure what sort of job that might be (architect?) but I am absolutely 100% physically incapable of creating straight lines, even with the help of tools.
4. Any sort of pyramid scheme-type thing (Amway, Avon, etc) where I had to convince people to not only buy my products but come to work under me as well. I HATE having to convince people to buy stuff I'm selling. The minute someone tells me they're not interested I say, "Cool. I'll leave you alone then." I don't think this trait would make me a very good salesperson.
Four movies I could watch over and over:
1. Closer
2. Tootsie
3. Oliver! (or pretty much any musical movie made in the 60s/70s, but Oliver! is my favorite)
4. The Graduate
Four childhood memories and/or dreams.
1. I remember being at the first daycare center I ever went to. It was before I was even old enough to be in preschool, my mom would drop me off there for just an hour or so at a time so she could go to the gym. I remember sitting on the floor in the corner playing with a set of rainbow-colored stacking rings. Gloria, the babysitter, turned on a radio and all of the "big kids" started dancing in a big circle. I watched them for a minute and then Gloria said, "Somebody go get Ashley so she can dance, too!" and one of the big kids (who couldn't have been much older than five now that I think back on it) picked me up and held me and danced with me. This is probably my earliest clear memory, and I don't think I could have been older than two.
2. I remember playing "Watching for Lightning" with my brother and sister on stormy summer nights. We'd all stand on Shane's bed staring out the window, and whenever there was a flash of lightning we had to fling ourselves down onto the bed and cover ourselves until we heard the thunder. Then we'd pop up to look for more lightning.
3. My mom was watching Ghost on TV but wouldn't let me watch it with her. I was supposed to be in bed sleeping but I kept sneaking into the family room and hiding behind the armchair to see parts of the movie. I happened to sneak in just in time to see the bad guy get impaled on the window glass. It really traumatized me, and the worst part was that I couldn't cry to my mom about it because I wasn't even supposed to be watching it in the first place and I didn't want her to know I'd seen it. It was YEARS before I got brave enough to watch Ghost all the way through.
4. Waking up in the mornings when I'd spend the night at my grandma's house. The first thing I always wanted to do was feed her goldfish. I called him Monstro, but I don't know if that was actually his name. She'd hold me up so I could sprinkle food into the tank. Then I'd sit on the kitchen stool and talk to her while she made pancakes.
Some celebrities I worshiped when I was little.
I don't think I was really aware of celebrities when I was little, other than to be afraid of them. So instead I think I'll make this list "Celebrities/Characters that Scared Me For Absolutely No Reason"
1. David Bowie
2. Pee-Wee Herman
3. Lady Elaine from Mr. Roger's Neighborhood
4. Nancy Reagan. (I feel as though the above three are at least somewhat self-explanatory. Nancy Reagan, though. I was scared of her because I overheard this joke as a little kid about Nancy Reagan's breasts being in a jar on her husband's desk. Disgusting, I know. And I still don't really get it, either. Did she have breast cancer? A mastectomy? Something like that? I don't know. Anyway, it was something I probably shouldn't have overheard in the first place and after that I always had this idea that she was some sort of robot person with removable body parts and so the idea of her scared me).
Names I wanted instead of Ashley:
1. Jessica (Remember the whole Baby Jessica thing? I think that's where this one came from)
2. Elizabeth (or maybe I was just into the Sweet Valley Twin books)
3. Vanessa
4. Maggie
Four injuries I have sustained:
1. This time last year I was on crutches because I had a sprained ankle from falling down some stairs in a parking garage at a theatre conference in Dallas. That was FUN.
2. I have a chip in my bottom front tooth from getting hit in the face by a line drive at softball practice when I was 8. That experience pretty much ended my sports career. I finished that season of softball and then said NEVER AGAIN, a verdict I have stuck to ever since.
3. When I was 9 we were on a family vacation driving across Texas and we got caught in this weird mini-tornado storm that blew a giant sign into our car. I was sitting in the backseat of the van and the sign hit the window beside me. The window shattered all over me and I got a cut at the base of my thumb. I still have a little scar.
4. I have a matching scar on the base of my other thumb because when my next door neighbor Marion and I were young we were always coming up with "projects". One day the project was to make a car out of cardboard (don't ask me why the hell we were doing this, we were about ten at the time). She stole her dad's exacto knife and I ended up slicing my thumb with it as I was trying to cut the cardboard. Once again, I was traumatized but couldn't tell my parents or her parents about it because we weren't supposed to be playing with knives and I didn't want to get into trouble.
Four celebrities I have bothered:
1. George Strait. I used to work at a performance hall and one night I worked a movie premiere there. It was a movie about a county fair or something so all these country singers who had participated in the movie were there. After the premiere we all got to go to the after-party. I could care less about country music, but my coworker Robyn wanted to see George Strait so she kept making me walk by his table with her so she could stare at him.
2. Maggie Smith. I was with my friends Meg, Holly, and Erin and we were at the National Theatre in London to see A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum. We were running late so we were literally running up the stairs when Meg almost collided head-on with a woman on the way down. We had a nagging feeling she was someone important but we didn't have time to figure it out. A couple of days later Meg realized it was Maggie Smith.
Those are the only celebrities that I think I've actually bothered. I've had very few celebrity encounters. So here are a couple of other celebrities I've seen very up close and in person (within twenty feet)
3. Maya Angelou
4. Dave Navarro and the rest of the members of Jane's Addiction.
Four jobs I was really, really bad at:
1. Hostess at my dad's restaurant. I wasn't so much bad at this job as I just HATED it. I hated being at the bottom of the food chain and having to do all the server's bitch work, I hated side work, I hated waiting for the dishwasher to finish his job so I could roll one last tub of silverware before going home, I hated how when I finally got to just stand still and zone out for a while my manager would think of some stupid job that needed to be done like dusting the plants...basically, I hated everything about it.
2. Student teaching. Okay, so I actually wasn't too bad at this job either (as evidenced by the fact that I did actually earn my teaching certification), but I could have done much better. I was late pretty much every day, I was hungover twenty percent of the time (and just damn tired the rest of the time), and I used to spend my conference periods sleeping in my car in the back of the parking lot of a nearby Wal-Mart instead of planning exciting and engaging lesson plans. Yeah, I totally phoned that one in.
Since I think I was actually semi-decent at my other jobs and more or less enjoyed them (waitressing, bartending at Bass Hall, and anything theatre-related I've ever had to do) I will finish this list up with things I've never actually done but that I just know I'd be terrible at:
3. Any job that involves drawing and/or cutting straight lines. I'm not sure what sort of job that might be (architect?) but I am absolutely 100% physically incapable of creating straight lines, even with the help of tools.
4. Any sort of pyramid scheme-type thing (Amway, Avon, etc) where I had to convince people to not only buy my products but come to work under me as well. I HATE having to convince people to buy stuff I'm selling. The minute someone tells me they're not interested I say, "Cool. I'll leave you alone then." I don't think this trait would make me a very good salesperson.
Four movies I could watch over and over:
1. Closer
2. Tootsie
3. Oliver! (or pretty much any musical movie made in the 60s/70s, but Oliver! is my favorite)
4. The Graduate
Four childhood memories and/or dreams.
1. I remember being at the first daycare center I ever went to. It was before I was even old enough to be in preschool, my mom would drop me off there for just an hour or so at a time so she could go to the gym. I remember sitting on the floor in the corner playing with a set of rainbow-colored stacking rings. Gloria, the babysitter, turned on a radio and all of the "big kids" started dancing in a big circle. I watched them for a minute and then Gloria said, "Somebody go get Ashley so she can dance, too!" and one of the big kids (who couldn't have been much older than five now that I think back on it) picked me up and held me and danced with me. This is probably my earliest clear memory, and I don't think I could have been older than two.
2. I remember playing "Watching for Lightning" with my brother and sister on stormy summer nights. We'd all stand on Shane's bed staring out the window, and whenever there was a flash of lightning we had to fling ourselves down onto the bed and cover ourselves until we heard the thunder. Then we'd pop up to look for more lightning.
3. My mom was watching Ghost on TV but wouldn't let me watch it with her. I was supposed to be in bed sleeping but I kept sneaking into the family room and hiding behind the armchair to see parts of the movie. I happened to sneak in just in time to see the bad guy get impaled on the window glass. It really traumatized me, and the worst part was that I couldn't cry to my mom about it because I wasn't even supposed to be watching it in the first place and I didn't want her to know I'd seen it. It was YEARS before I got brave enough to watch Ghost all the way through.
4. Waking up in the mornings when I'd spend the night at my grandma's house. The first thing I always wanted to do was feed her goldfish. I called him Monstro, but I don't know if that was actually his name. She'd hold me up so I could sprinkle food into the tank. Then I'd sit on the kitchen stool and talk to her while she made pancakes.
Some celebrities I worshiped when I was little.
I don't think I was really aware of celebrities when I was little, other than to be afraid of them. So instead I think I'll make this list "Celebrities/Characters that Scared Me For Absolutely No Reason"
1. David Bowie
2. Pee-Wee Herman
3. Lady Elaine from Mr. Roger's Neighborhood
4. Nancy Reagan. (I feel as though the above three are at least somewhat self-explanatory. Nancy Reagan, though. I was scared of her because I overheard this joke as a little kid about Nancy Reagan's breasts being in a jar on her husband's desk. Disgusting, I know. And I still don't really get it, either. Did she have breast cancer? A mastectomy? Something like that? I don't know. Anyway, it was something I probably shouldn't have overheard in the first place and after that I always had this idea that she was some sort of robot person with removable body parts and so the idea of her scared me).
Names I wanted instead of Ashley:
1. Jessica (Remember the whole Baby Jessica thing? I think that's where this one came from)
2. Elizabeth (or maybe I was just into the Sweet Valley Twin books)
3. Vanessa
4. Maggie
Four injuries I have sustained:
1. This time last year I was on crutches because I had a sprained ankle from falling down some stairs in a parking garage at a theatre conference in Dallas. That was FUN.
2. I have a chip in my bottom front tooth from getting hit in the face by a line drive at softball practice when I was 8. That experience pretty much ended my sports career. I finished that season of softball and then said NEVER AGAIN, a verdict I have stuck to ever since.
3. When I was 9 we were on a family vacation driving across Texas and we got caught in this weird mini-tornado storm that blew a giant sign into our car. I was sitting in the backseat of the van and the sign hit the window beside me. The window shattered all over me and I got a cut at the base of my thumb. I still have a little scar.
4. I have a matching scar on the base of my other thumb because when my next door neighbor Marion and I were young we were always coming up with "projects". One day the project was to make a car out of cardboard (don't ask me why the hell we were doing this, we were about ten at the time). She stole her dad's exacto knife and I ended up slicing my thumb with it as I was trying to cut the cardboard. Once again, I was traumatized but couldn't tell my parents or her parents about it because we weren't supposed to be playing with knives and I didn't want to get into trouble.
Four celebrities I have bothered:
1. George Strait. I used to work at a performance hall and one night I worked a movie premiere there. It was a movie about a county fair or something so all these country singers who had participated in the movie were there. After the premiere we all got to go to the after-party. I could care less about country music, but my coworker Robyn wanted to see George Strait so she kept making me walk by his table with her so she could stare at him.
2. Maggie Smith. I was with my friends Meg, Holly, and Erin and we were at the National Theatre in London to see A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum. We were running late so we were literally running up the stairs when Meg almost collided head-on with a woman on the way down. We had a nagging feeling she was someone important but we didn't have time to figure it out. A couple of days later Meg realized it was Maggie Smith.
Those are the only celebrities that I think I've actually bothered. I've had very few celebrity encounters. So here are a couple of other celebrities I've seen very up close and in person (within twenty feet)
3. Maya Angelou
4. Dave Navarro and the rest of the members of Jane's Addiction.
Sunday, February 05, 2006
Super
I'm not really watching the Super Bowl today. It's on my TV right now, but I didn't opt to go to any parties or make it a social event. Actually, as a general rule my friends don't care much about football, so nothing is going on today anyway. So I'm reading for my Theory class and working on my Directing project and paying attention to the game only to watch commercials and the halftime show, which is how I like it.
I had a pretty full weekend. On Thursday night Matthew threw a little dinner party so Chelsea and I went over to his place for that. It was a lot of fun and I got to meet Matthew's sister and some of his other friends.
Then Friday night my sister came down to hang out, and on Saturday we went shopping at the outlet malls. We visited Matthew's store and I got talked into buying a dress. I really like it a lot, but I have absolutely no idea when I'm going to wear it anytime soon. I think I need to make up a dress-wearing ocassion. Too bad my anti-Valentine is in El Paso so I can't go on an actual Valentine's Day date, 'cause that would have been the perfect ocassion. Oh well.
Saturday night was a lot of fun, too. I went out in Austin with Mandi, Chelsea, and Mandi's niece Lauren. It's strange that Mandi is Lauren's aunt since she's only five years older. They interact much more like sisters or cousins. (I just realized that I spent the weekend meeting everyone's relatives. That's kind of strange.) Anyway, we barhopped on 6th and hit four different bars in a three hour period, we danced a lot, and we didn't have to ward off too many creepy guys but we were looking hot enough to get free drinks from a promoter at one of the bars we visited. So all in all it was a really good night, and I wasn't even hungover this morning.
So anyway, that's what's been going on socially. School-wise things are going well. On Thursday night I gave a fifteen minute lecture that I was working on right up until the moment I got up to speak. My professor ended up giving me a 100 on it, which blew my mind because I seriously thought my grad school professors were morally opposed to giving students perfect scores. It had never happened to any of us before, anyway. This also confirms my suspicion that my sole purpose in life is to be an incredibly successful procrastinator. I really should start giving lessons on my technique.
The most exciting thing about school recently is that I think I may have found a thesis subject. I'm a worrier by nature and one of the things I've been worrying about lately is coming up with a thesis project. I need to declare something by the end of this semester, and prior to this week I had no clue what I wanted to do. Well, Thursday night my professor and main advisor, Dr. C., asked me if I'd be interested in acting as a dramaturg* on a show next year. She said I could be an assistant dramaturg on a show in the fall semester and then be head dramaturg in the spring semester. One of my friends is dramaturging as his thesis project right now, so I asked Dr. C. if I could make that my thesis project as well, and she said she doesn't see why not. So...if everything works out with the way the season is set up next year I may have a thesis project! Acting as a dramaturg would be a lot more fun than writing a massive research paper, too, 'cause my research would be used for a show and I'd get to collaborate with the director and the production team and have something visual to show for all my hard work. Something my friends and family would actually want to come see and enjoy, as opposed to me handing my parents a manuscript and saying, "Here, read this thesis that you're not going to be interested in or understand anyway!"
So yeah, I'm excited about that possibility. And now I can use that worrying part of my mind to focus on other worrisome things, like what the hell I'm going to be planning to do with my future at this time next year. Because if there's one thing I enjoy it's worrying about things way, WAY in advance.
Back to my reading.
*Unless you're really into theatre you probably don't know what a dramaturg does. Hell, even if you are really into theatre you probably don't know what a dramaturg does. And I could explain it to you, but it would be a long explanation and I'm feeling lazy. Maybe one day that will be its own boring entry.
I had a pretty full weekend. On Thursday night Matthew threw a little dinner party so Chelsea and I went over to his place for that. It was a lot of fun and I got to meet Matthew's sister and some of his other friends.
Then Friday night my sister came down to hang out, and on Saturday we went shopping at the outlet malls. We visited Matthew's store and I got talked into buying a dress. I really like it a lot, but I have absolutely no idea when I'm going to wear it anytime soon. I think I need to make up a dress-wearing ocassion. Too bad my anti-Valentine is in El Paso so I can't go on an actual Valentine's Day date, 'cause that would have been the perfect ocassion. Oh well.
Saturday night was a lot of fun, too. I went out in Austin with Mandi, Chelsea, and Mandi's niece Lauren. It's strange that Mandi is Lauren's aunt since she's only five years older. They interact much more like sisters or cousins. (I just realized that I spent the weekend meeting everyone's relatives. That's kind of strange.) Anyway, we barhopped on 6th and hit four different bars in a three hour period, we danced a lot, and we didn't have to ward off too many creepy guys but we were looking hot enough to get free drinks from a promoter at one of the bars we visited. So all in all it was a really good night, and I wasn't even hungover this morning.
So anyway, that's what's been going on socially. School-wise things are going well. On Thursday night I gave a fifteen minute lecture that I was working on right up until the moment I got up to speak. My professor ended up giving me a 100 on it, which blew my mind because I seriously thought my grad school professors were morally opposed to giving students perfect scores. It had never happened to any of us before, anyway. This also confirms my suspicion that my sole purpose in life is to be an incredibly successful procrastinator. I really should start giving lessons on my technique.
The most exciting thing about school recently is that I think I may have found a thesis subject. I'm a worrier by nature and one of the things I've been worrying about lately is coming up with a thesis project. I need to declare something by the end of this semester, and prior to this week I had no clue what I wanted to do. Well, Thursday night my professor and main advisor, Dr. C., asked me if I'd be interested in acting as a dramaturg* on a show next year. She said I could be an assistant dramaturg on a show in the fall semester and then be head dramaturg in the spring semester. One of my friends is dramaturging as his thesis project right now, so I asked Dr. C. if I could make that my thesis project as well, and she said she doesn't see why not. So...if everything works out with the way the season is set up next year I may have a thesis project! Acting as a dramaturg would be a lot more fun than writing a massive research paper, too, 'cause my research would be used for a show and I'd get to collaborate with the director and the production team and have something visual to show for all my hard work. Something my friends and family would actually want to come see and enjoy, as opposed to me handing my parents a manuscript and saying, "Here, read this thesis that you're not going to be interested in or understand anyway!"
So yeah, I'm excited about that possibility. And now I can use that worrying part of my mind to focus on other worrisome things, like what the hell I'm going to be planning to do with my future at this time next year. Because if there's one thing I enjoy it's worrying about things way, WAY in advance.
Back to my reading.
*Unless you're really into theatre you probably don't know what a dramaturg does. Hell, even if you are really into theatre you probably don't know what a dramaturg does. And I could explain it to you, but it would be a long explanation and I'm feeling lazy. Maybe one day that will be its own boring entry.
Monday, January 30, 2006
An offering to the blog gods
Blog gods is the most fun thing to say that I've made up in my head today.
The most fun thing to say that I didn't make up in my head today is this: "The Chilean government fears this invasion of giant beavers." I swear to god that's an actual quote I heard in a story on NPR tonight as I was driving home from a rehearsal. Apparently these beavers have invaded Chile from an island off the coast (an island they weren't supposed to be on in the first place) and now they're eating fish and mussels, which is not a natural part of a beaver's diet. So they've gotten huge. They're like, seventy pound beavers. And the Chilean government fears them. This is not a made-up story, this is actual news. And I love it. I immediately wrote the quote down in my playwriting journal when I got home. I'm not sure how I'd possibly work a quote about giant Chilean beavers into any play I might write, but maybe it'll provide some inspiration for...something.
Anyway, I'm making an entry right now because if I don't do it right now odds are another entire week will go by without a blog entry and somehow in my head that's just unacceptable even though I have absolutely nothing exciting to say anyway.
In current news, I almost killed my laptop last night. I picked up my water bottle, which was sitting right beside my computer, and as I picked it up a couple of drops of water sloshed out onto my keyboard. I'm not exaggerating when I say it was only three little drops of water, but damn if that H20 didn't wreck total havoc. My keyboard went nuts and the keys weren't typing the right letters and symbols. So I sat on the floor blowdrying my keyboard on low for, oh, about forty minutes. It was not my finest moment. The thing is, I thought I had fixed it. When I went to bed last night it seemed to be working just fine. But when I woke up this morning the keyboard wasn't working at all. So I bought an external keyboard and plugged it into my laptop and this is working fine temporarily. Rueben-the-computer-fixer-guy is supposed to come over tomorrow afternoon to fix the laptop itself. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that he CAN fix it, because this giant keyboard attached to my laptop is incredibly annoying. I guess I should just be grateful I didn't ruin it entirely, though. It could be worse.
In the continuing files of CRAZY, remember that guy who freaked me out talking through my window just before the holiday break? The guy who likes me but who I'm not interested in at all? I did an entry about him back in December, I would link to it but I'm being lazy. Well, I've been avoiding him for weeks and weeks now. He still calls me two or three times a week and I ignore his call every single time. You'd think at some point he'd give up, but no, he persists in believing that I'm just really busy but that eventually I'll have time in my schedule to go out with him. At least he has stopped coming by my apartment uninvited, but he's replaced that annoying habit with the equally annoying habit of stopping me in the halls and parking lots at school and saying hi to me and then berating me for not saying hi to him first. I swear, he has managed to tell me about six times since the semester started that he's hurt that I don't say hi to him. Truthfully, I would probably ignore him even if I did see him. But the fact is, I'm not ignoring him on purpose. I really just don't notice him. And it's not a personal thing against Crazy, I unintentionally ignore a lot of people. I walk really fast and I am always thinking about things and working things out in my head, and that's especially true when I'm on campus. When I'm on campus I'm not in relaxation/play mode, I'm in work mode. I'm usually running late, and I'm always thinking ahead to what is coming up in class or at work and what I'm going to be expected to do. That combination is not very conducive to noticing people and saying hello. So I pretty much don't say hi to anyone unless they say hello to me first. End of story. But apparently I'm supposed to stop in my tracks and say hello to him and he finds it extremely insulting when I don't. So I've managed to avoid him successfully for an entire week, until tonight when I went up to school to make the box office deposit and he happened to be sitting on the steps in the lobby. Damn. I walked right past him into the box office and he followed me (uninvited, of course) and then made the very astute observation, "Oh. You're still managing the box office this semester?" (No, dude, I just have a pair of keys and I come up here after hours and sabotage things to screw up the person who actually manages the box office). Anyway, I said yes and he said, "I guess since you have to work the box office you can't come see the show with me then?" and I said, "Nope, I can't. I got your message last week [in which you invited me to do something TWO WEEKS FROM NOW in the hopes of pinning me down way in advance because you just don't comprehend that I purposely always have plans when you call, Crazy] and I can't do it so I didn't call you back." He then proceeded to congratulate me for actually waving hello to him last Wednesday. For the record, I have absolutely no recollection of waving hello to him last Wednesday. For all I know I did, because like I said I'm not paying much attention to my surroundings when I'm walking on campus so it's entirely possible I waved to him. I don't know why the hell I'd do that even subconsciously though, so it might not actually have been me. Anyway, I told him that I don't remember waving to him, and he got all indignant and said, "I'm just trying to compliment you on actually being observant for once," and I said, "And I'm just telling you that I still wasn't being observant because I don't remember seeing you or doing that. I'm just not an observant person." And he replied, "Yeah, that's what I've heard. "
"Yeah, that's what I've heard"? He makes it sound as if all the undergrad kids I barely know sit around on the lobby steps talking about how unobservant I am. As if that's my reputation. Some people sleep around, others are alcoholics, others are nerds, Ashley is unobservant. What the hell? Who on earth would actually have a conversation about that? There's no way he and other people have sat around talking about how I never notice anyone. He's so bizarre.
Well, I need to go. I'm having to reapply for all my scholarships (they don't just renew automatically here if you keep your grades up, which annoys the hell out of me but that's a whole other entry) so I need to touch up my resume, and I have Dramaturgy stuff to read. So much to do, always.
I think I might go to Padre for spring break, though, drive down and meet Mike and his friends. That would be so much fun. I hope it works out.
The most fun thing to say that I didn't make up in my head today is this: "The Chilean government fears this invasion of giant beavers." I swear to god that's an actual quote I heard in a story on NPR tonight as I was driving home from a rehearsal. Apparently these beavers have invaded Chile from an island off the coast (an island they weren't supposed to be on in the first place) and now they're eating fish and mussels, which is not a natural part of a beaver's diet. So they've gotten huge. They're like, seventy pound beavers. And the Chilean government fears them. This is not a made-up story, this is actual news. And I love it. I immediately wrote the quote down in my playwriting journal when I got home. I'm not sure how I'd possibly work a quote about giant Chilean beavers into any play I might write, but maybe it'll provide some inspiration for...something.
Anyway, I'm making an entry right now because if I don't do it right now odds are another entire week will go by without a blog entry and somehow in my head that's just unacceptable even though I have absolutely nothing exciting to say anyway.
In current news, I almost killed my laptop last night. I picked up my water bottle, which was sitting right beside my computer, and as I picked it up a couple of drops of water sloshed out onto my keyboard. I'm not exaggerating when I say it was only three little drops of water, but damn if that H20 didn't wreck total havoc. My keyboard went nuts and the keys weren't typing the right letters and symbols. So I sat on the floor blowdrying my keyboard on low for, oh, about forty minutes. It was not my finest moment. The thing is, I thought I had fixed it. When I went to bed last night it seemed to be working just fine. But when I woke up this morning the keyboard wasn't working at all. So I bought an external keyboard and plugged it into my laptop and this is working fine temporarily. Rueben-the-computer-fixer-guy is supposed to come over tomorrow afternoon to fix the laptop itself. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that he CAN fix it, because this giant keyboard attached to my laptop is incredibly annoying. I guess I should just be grateful I didn't ruin it entirely, though. It could be worse.
In the continuing files of CRAZY, remember that guy who freaked me out talking through my window just before the holiday break? The guy who likes me but who I'm not interested in at all? I did an entry about him back in December, I would link to it but I'm being lazy. Well, I've been avoiding him for weeks and weeks now. He still calls me two or three times a week and I ignore his call every single time. You'd think at some point he'd give up, but no, he persists in believing that I'm just really busy but that eventually I'll have time in my schedule to go out with him. At least he has stopped coming by my apartment uninvited, but he's replaced that annoying habit with the equally annoying habit of stopping me in the halls and parking lots at school and saying hi to me and then berating me for not saying hi to him first. I swear, he has managed to tell me about six times since the semester started that he's hurt that I don't say hi to him. Truthfully, I would probably ignore him even if I did see him. But the fact is, I'm not ignoring him on purpose. I really just don't notice him. And it's not a personal thing against Crazy, I unintentionally ignore a lot of people. I walk really fast and I am always thinking about things and working things out in my head, and that's especially true when I'm on campus. When I'm on campus I'm not in relaxation/play mode, I'm in work mode. I'm usually running late, and I'm always thinking ahead to what is coming up in class or at work and what I'm going to be expected to do. That combination is not very conducive to noticing people and saying hello. So I pretty much don't say hi to anyone unless they say hello to me first. End of story. But apparently I'm supposed to stop in my tracks and say hello to him and he finds it extremely insulting when I don't. So I've managed to avoid him successfully for an entire week, until tonight when I went up to school to make the box office deposit and he happened to be sitting on the steps in the lobby. Damn. I walked right past him into the box office and he followed me (uninvited, of course) and then made the very astute observation, "Oh. You're still managing the box office this semester?" (No, dude, I just have a pair of keys and I come up here after hours and sabotage things to screw up the person who actually manages the box office). Anyway, I said yes and he said, "I guess since you have to work the box office you can't come see the show with me then?" and I said, "Nope, I can't. I got your message last week [in which you invited me to do something TWO WEEKS FROM NOW in the hopes of pinning me down way in advance because you just don't comprehend that I purposely always have plans when you call, Crazy] and I can't do it so I didn't call you back." He then proceeded to congratulate me for actually waving hello to him last Wednesday. For the record, I have absolutely no recollection of waving hello to him last Wednesday. For all I know I did, because like I said I'm not paying much attention to my surroundings when I'm walking on campus so it's entirely possible I waved to him. I don't know why the hell I'd do that even subconsciously though, so it might not actually have been me. Anyway, I told him that I don't remember waving to him, and he got all indignant and said, "I'm just trying to compliment you on actually being observant for once," and I said, "And I'm just telling you that I still wasn't being observant because I don't remember seeing you or doing that. I'm just not an observant person." And he replied, "Yeah, that's what I've heard. "
"Yeah, that's what I've heard"? He makes it sound as if all the undergrad kids I barely know sit around on the lobby steps talking about how unobservant I am. As if that's my reputation. Some people sleep around, others are alcoholics, others are nerds, Ashley is unobservant. What the hell? Who on earth would actually have a conversation about that? There's no way he and other people have sat around talking about how I never notice anyone. He's so bizarre.
Well, I need to go. I'm having to reapply for all my scholarships (they don't just renew automatically here if you keep your grades up, which annoys the hell out of me but that's a whole other entry) so I need to touch up my resume, and I have Dramaturgy stuff to read. So much to do, always.
I think I might go to Padre for spring break, though, drive down and meet Mike and his friends. That would be so much fun. I hope it works out.
Friday, January 27, 2006
Why is the time stamp always wrong on this journal?
Sorry it has been so long since I posted. Classes are going full swing, I'm already really busy, what else is new?
The answer is pretty much nothing. If anything really exciting had happened you can bet I would have posted about it.
Instead, it's been a pretty typical week. I go to classes, I do a lot of reading, I spend some quality time with my pets, I spend far too long talking to my friends on IM most nights, and I work out. That's pretty much all I do every day.
Actually, a few fun and exciting things have happened since I last posted. Here they are:
1) My best grad school friend Mandi and I went out drinking on Thursday night. We both got really buzzed. I had a great time. It was awesome!
2) Kymberli came to town for the weekend and I got to see her on Saturday night. Kymberli, Matthew, my sister and I went to a party Maggie Maes. We all got really buzzed...okay, DRUNK. I had a great time. It was awesome!
3) My dad was in town last weekend. I spent a lot of the weekend hanging out with him and with my relatives in San Antonio. We drank some margaritas but did not get buzzed. I had a great time. It was awesome!
4) I cooked again! This time I made these really nifty little bacon/tomato/egg/toast things. They were sort of like muffins, they were cooked in a muffin tin. It was basically toast with an egg cooked inside and a tasty topping. I also made salad dressing!! Salad dressing! This makes me very happy even though it was the easiest thing in the world (Dijon mustard, lemon juice, olive oil. That's it!)
So yeah, that's about it. You haven't missed much. I can't believe I've already been in school for two weeks, though. Time is flying.
The answer is pretty much nothing. If anything really exciting had happened you can bet I would have posted about it.
Instead, it's been a pretty typical week. I go to classes, I do a lot of reading, I spend some quality time with my pets, I spend far too long talking to my friends on IM most nights, and I work out. That's pretty much all I do every day.
Actually, a few fun and exciting things have happened since I last posted. Here they are:
1) My best grad school friend Mandi and I went out drinking on Thursday night. We both got really buzzed. I had a great time. It was awesome!
2) Kymberli came to town for the weekend and I got to see her on Saturday night. Kymberli, Matthew, my sister and I went to a party Maggie Maes. We all got really buzzed...okay, DRUNK. I had a great time. It was awesome!
3) My dad was in town last weekend. I spent a lot of the weekend hanging out with him and with my relatives in San Antonio. We drank some margaritas but did not get buzzed. I had a great time. It was awesome!
4) I cooked again! This time I made these really nifty little bacon/tomato/egg/toast things. They were sort of like muffins, they were cooked in a muffin tin. It was basically toast with an egg cooked inside and a tasty topping. I also made salad dressing!! Salad dressing! This makes me very happy even though it was the easiest thing in the world (Dijon mustard, lemon juice, olive oil. That's it!)
So yeah, that's about it. You haven't missed much. I can't believe I've already been in school for two weeks, though. Time is flying.
Tuesday, January 17, 2006
Two Things
1) I ordered all of my books for this semester from private sellers on Amazon, figuring it would save me money (and it did, although it was a fairly negligible amount of money. Mainly it saved me time because now I don't have to walk all the way up the huge hill to get to the campus bookstore and then make the trip three or four different times since the books are never all in the first time you go, or the second...). Today my first book came in the mail. Luckily, it's the exact book I really needed to get this week since it's for my directing class and we have a reading due on Thursday. Anyway, I unwrapped the package and got all excited when I saw that it was A Director Prepares. I was much, much less excited when I saw that the seller had included a flier with the book entitled "Go Vegan for Life" complete with pictures of pigs in slaughterhouses and a phone number to call for a free Vegan Starter Kit. To Amazon seller Imagradstudent, whoever you may be: I'm a grad student too! What a coincidence! This may make us allies in some ways, but not in all of them. Yes, I may be studying theatre, which you may have infered from my order. However, the fact that I'm a theatre grad student does not automatically make me a super-liberal granola-y sort of person. I realize how one might make that assumption about someone ordering Anne Bogart's directing book but that just goes to show you that you should never make assumptions based on one's reading and/or entertainment selections (incidentally, Amazon.com, you need to listen to this as well-I ordered one Muppet Movie ONCE as a Christmas gift a year ago. Please stop assuming I want everything Jim Henson ever created). Anyway, Imagradstudent, even if I did agree with you and your PETA-esque ways that still doesn't mean I want your propaganda included with my text book. Thanks but no thanks.
2) Tonight in my Dramatic Theory class Christin was lecturing and she filled the chalkboard with our musings on "Theory is..."and then realized that there was no eraser so that she could erase the board and we could move on to "Criticism is..." But I saved the day (okay, the class...okay, not even the class) when I realized that I had tissues in my bag. Well, the tissues are these holiday patterned tissues that Mom put in my Christmas stocking. They have ornaments on them. They're also the thickest tissues known to man and are pretty horrible for actually using on your nose but they function well as napkins (and chalkboard erasers, as it turns out). Anyway, I pulled the tissues out and handed one to Christin and she said, "Wow! These are so festive!" and everyone in the class started laughing and Shanthi said, "That's why we love Ashley!" and Amanda said, "That's the exact sort of thing that Ashley would have" and everyone else in the class nodded and agreed. Which leaves me wondering, am I really a festive holiday tissue person? Really? Enough to make an entire class full of people nod their heads and say, "Yup, that's Ashey!" Who knew?!
As a side note, the first day of class went well. I'm looking forward to all three of my classes so far, for the most part anyway. It's gonna be a hell of a lot of work again, but at least it should be interesting, possibly even enjoyable work so I can't really complain...yet.
2) Tonight in my Dramatic Theory class Christin was lecturing and she filled the chalkboard with our musings on "Theory is..."and then realized that there was no eraser so that she could erase the board and we could move on to "Criticism is..." But I saved the day (okay, the class...okay, not even the class) when I realized that I had tissues in my bag. Well, the tissues are these holiday patterned tissues that Mom put in my Christmas stocking. They have ornaments on them. They're also the thickest tissues known to man and are pretty horrible for actually using on your nose but they function well as napkins (and chalkboard erasers, as it turns out). Anyway, I pulled the tissues out and handed one to Christin and she said, "Wow! These are so festive!" and everyone in the class started laughing and Shanthi said, "That's why we love Ashley!" and Amanda said, "That's the exact sort of thing that Ashley would have" and everyone else in the class nodded and agreed. Which leaves me wondering, am I really a festive holiday tissue person? Really? Enough to make an entire class full of people nod their heads and say, "Yup, that's Ashey!" Who knew?!
As a side note, the first day of class went well. I'm looking forward to all three of my classes so far, for the most part anyway. It's gonna be a hell of a lot of work again, but at least it should be interesting, possibly even enjoyable work so I can't really complain...yet.
Sunday, January 15, 2006
Kitchen Adventures
Remember my new year's resolution to start cooking for myself more, ideally at least two home cooked meals a month?-Well, wait, first let me interrupt myself and say this: that resolution sounds kind of misleading, because it makes it sound as if I never make meals for myself at home. The truth is that I do make meals for myself at home fairly often, and not just heating up frozen food, either (although to be honest that's most of it). I make sandwiches, hot dogs, a variety of quesadillas, three or four different types of eggs, pancakes once in a while, the occasional salad...so I do make things for myself fairly often but I hardly ever do cooking that involves actually following a recipe and using kitchen tools like cutting boards and whisks and stuff like that.
So anyway, my resolution is to make two homecooked meals a month. The other day at the store I bought one of those large chef's skillets figuring that if I dropped twenty bucks on a skillet I'd be a lot more willing to actually stick to this resolution. I also bought all of the ingredients to make a macaroni and cheese meal from my Rachael Ray cookbook. The recipe seemed easy enough, and my goal was to start out with something I probably couldn't screw up.
Well, the recipe wasn't as foolproof as I thought. The recipes in this Rachael Ray cookbook are already basically "Cooking for Dummies". I apparently need "Cooking for Completely Incompetent and Inept Idiots". Here are things that almost tripped me up:
1) My cheese grater is complete and utter crap, which I didn't discover until I tried to use it tonight and it basically broke in my hand. So I ended up having to chop the cheese into slivers using a knife. Note to self: Buy better grater. Oh, and I also realized about midway through the cheese chopping process that I could have just bought a bag of pre-shredded sharp cheddar cheese and saved myself five minutes. It's okay though because the cheese still melted like it was supposed to and it was probably better quality cheese than the pre-shredded stuff anyway.
2) Speaking of the cheese, I forgot all about it until my pasta water was already boiling. I prepped everything else before I started but forgot all about the cheese so I had to chop it up as fast as I could, all the while hoping my pasta wouldn't boil over in the meantime. Luckily the timing worked out perfectly on that somehow and I finished with the cheese right as my pasta was ready.
3) My sauce almost boiled over three different times. Each time I picked it up off the burner just in time to prevent a giant mess.
4) I thought this would be really easy, but it was actually kind of tricky because both the pasta and the sauce were cooking on the stove at once, and once the sauce started cooking everything had to come together really fast which kind of stressed me out because I'm more of a one-step-at-a-time kind of person.
But nothing burned, and nothing boiled over, and it actually came out really good!
All in all I'm pretty proud of myself, and I'm going to try to actually stick to this resolution and try something else within the next couple of weeks. It may be a very small and stupid accomplishment, but hey, it's something. Next meal I'm determined to do something with meat because I've never in my life handled raw meat. I'm scared of meals involving cooking meat, I guess because the chances of getting sick are high if I don't do it properly. That and I'm kind of indimidated by the meat department at the grocery store. But I'm going to get over my stupid intimidation and just do it. People much less intelligent than me have successfully cooked a chicken breast.
So yeah, I definitely want to learn to be a better and more confident cook, and the only way I can do that is to just get a lot of practice. The thing is, it's going to be harder to do once school starts. This meal tonight took me about forty minutes to prepare including prep time and cleaning time. Then it took me twenty minutes to eat, so all told I spent an hour on dinner tonight. It's kind of hard to justify spending an hour or more on dinner when normally it takes about twenty to thirty minutes total including cooking and eating time. But I'm sure I can manage twice a month. The only other problem is the amount of food. This meal I made tonight serves four, and it's BIG portions, too. I ate some for dinner and just portioned out some leftovers to take over to Matthew (I'm glad I have a neighbor to share leftovers with) but I still have enough to probably eat three more meals. And I highly doubt I'm gonna want mac and cheese three more times this week.
Oh well. I'm proud of myself!
So, this was the most boring enter ever, wasn't it?
So anyway, my resolution is to make two homecooked meals a month. The other day at the store I bought one of those large chef's skillets figuring that if I dropped twenty bucks on a skillet I'd be a lot more willing to actually stick to this resolution. I also bought all of the ingredients to make a macaroni and cheese meal from my Rachael Ray cookbook. The recipe seemed easy enough, and my goal was to start out with something I probably couldn't screw up.
Well, the recipe wasn't as foolproof as I thought. The recipes in this Rachael Ray cookbook are already basically "Cooking for Dummies". I apparently need "Cooking for Completely Incompetent and Inept Idiots". Here are things that almost tripped me up:
1) My cheese grater is complete and utter crap, which I didn't discover until I tried to use it tonight and it basically broke in my hand. So I ended up having to chop the cheese into slivers using a knife. Note to self: Buy better grater. Oh, and I also realized about midway through the cheese chopping process that I could have just bought a bag of pre-shredded sharp cheddar cheese and saved myself five minutes. It's okay though because the cheese still melted like it was supposed to and it was probably better quality cheese than the pre-shredded stuff anyway.
2) Speaking of the cheese, I forgot all about it until my pasta water was already boiling. I prepped everything else before I started but forgot all about the cheese so I had to chop it up as fast as I could, all the while hoping my pasta wouldn't boil over in the meantime. Luckily the timing worked out perfectly on that somehow and I finished with the cheese right as my pasta was ready.
3) My sauce almost boiled over three different times. Each time I picked it up off the burner just in time to prevent a giant mess.
4) I thought this would be really easy, but it was actually kind of tricky because both the pasta and the sauce were cooking on the stove at once, and once the sauce started cooking everything had to come together really fast which kind of stressed me out because I'm more of a one-step-at-a-time kind of person.
But nothing burned, and nothing boiled over, and it actually came out really good!
All in all I'm pretty proud of myself, and I'm going to try to actually stick to this resolution and try something else within the next couple of weeks. It may be a very small and stupid accomplishment, but hey, it's something. Next meal I'm determined to do something with meat because I've never in my life handled raw meat. I'm scared of meals involving cooking meat, I guess because the chances of getting sick are high if I don't do it properly. That and I'm kind of indimidated by the meat department at the grocery store. But I'm going to get over my stupid intimidation and just do it. People much less intelligent than me have successfully cooked a chicken breast.
So yeah, I definitely want to learn to be a better and more confident cook, and the only way I can do that is to just get a lot of practice. The thing is, it's going to be harder to do once school starts. This meal tonight took me about forty minutes to prepare including prep time and cleaning time. Then it took me twenty minutes to eat, so all told I spent an hour on dinner tonight. It's kind of hard to justify spending an hour or more on dinner when normally it takes about twenty to thirty minutes total including cooking and eating time. But I'm sure I can manage twice a month. The only other problem is the amount of food. This meal I made tonight serves four, and it's BIG portions, too. I ate some for dinner and just portioned out some leftovers to take over to Matthew (I'm glad I have a neighbor to share leftovers with) but I still have enough to probably eat three more meals. And I highly doubt I'm gonna want mac and cheese three more times this week.
Oh well. I'm proud of myself!
So, this was the most boring enter ever, wasn't it?
Friday, January 13, 2006
Long time no blog!
Hola. Or, if you prefer, holla!!
Wow, it has been a while, hasn't it? So much has happened since I last posted. In fact, the first couple of weeks of this year have been very close to perfect. To talk about everything I've done in the past couple of weeks would take a lot of energy that I don't really feel like expending right now, plus you probably wouldn't really want to read about it anyway. Because, honestly, how many times can I say, "Mike and I did such-and-such and we had a great time!" before you get bored?
Actually, there was more to the past two weeks than Mike. There was my brief whirlwind trip to Las Vegas. Mom, Dad, Grandma, Grandpa, Chelsea and I went to celebrate Chelsea's 21st birthday. I had a great time. We only stayed for two nights and one full day so it was an incredibly short trip, but we crammed a lot of fun and luxury into a short time. We stayed at the Bellagio and for a Vegas hotel room it was great. My favorite things were the buttons that opened and closed the drapes (You could do it from bed! It was actually really cheesy now that I think about it) and the giant bathtub. We ate at a couple of good restaurants Olives and Jasmine. We went to the hotel spa and got massages and I took a shower in the coolest shower ever. It was a "light therapy" shower. I don't know what the hell light therapy is actually supposed to do other than make easily amused people like myself happy, but the shower had three different shower heads (one that came down from above like rain) and the lighting would subtly change from red to blue to green to yellow to pink and repeat the cycle in some kind of random pattern I never did figure out even though I stood in the shower for a while. We saw Avenue Q at the Wynn Hotel and it was excellent except for the part where my Grandpa almost passed out from dehydration right before intermission. All through intermission ushers were hovering around us and there was talk of bringing in a wheelchair and calling an ambulance. Apparently my Grandpa knew that he just needed water or Gatorade and apparently my dad has seen this happen on the golf course before so they weren't worried, but all us womenfolk (ha) were pretty freaked out. I thought he was having a heart attack or something. The whole thing scared me because it made me realize that my grandparents are getting old and they won't be around forever. One day someone will have to call that ambulance, you know? It scares me. Luckily he recovered in time for the second act and I ended up really liking the show. I'm so glad I got to see it. I won $175 playing blackjack, which was really awesome because I never win anything. We also went to the Rum Jungle club at Mandalay Bay, which sucked, and Studio 54 at the MGM, which was so much fun. Chelsea and I met these guys from New Jersey who ended up being fun dance partners. I normally hate guys at clubs because they tend to just start grinding on you uninvited when you're just trying to dance with your girlfriends (Why do guys do this? Why?) but these two were actually polite. They were quite possibly the most polite guys I've ever met at a club. The guy I ended up hanging out with actually introduced himself and chatted to me for a while without making idiot comments about my "beautiful smile" or "hot legs in that skirt" or any other variety of the stupid pick up lines I usually get. Then he politely invited me to dance and once we were dancing together he didn't put his hands on me until I touched his shoulders first which I really appreciate. And then he bought me a couple of drinks when we got tired of dancing (we all danced together for two straight hours, the DJ was rockin') and at the end of the night when Chelsea and I went to head home he didn't try to kiss me and he didn't beg me to stay out longer or come back to his room with him. And the guy Chelsea was with seemed to be the same way. They weren't guys I'd be interested in dating even if there wasn't the complication of me being in Texas and them being in New Jersey, but it was the first time in a long time that I've been in a bar or club without feeling like a piece of meat to be drooled over, and I appreciated that a lot. Apparently there are still decent guys out there.
Speaking of decent guys, I had so much fun with Mike during break. I seriously can't even explain how comfortable I am with him and how much fun we have together. It feels like we've come full circle. We dated, we fell in love, we broke up because long distance relationships suck and we were only 20 years old and we needed to see what else was out there, we had some rough times and some hurtful things were said as we tried to get over each other, we realized getting over each other was impossible but we both wanted to really be done with the relationship so there were a couple of awkward years where we both tried our best to date other people and get over each other but somehow kept sleeping together each time we saw each other anyway, and all along we kept talking pretty much every day. And then came last year. We still talked a lot but not as much. Sometimes a week or two would go by with just a few text messages. And when we did talk I didn't feel needy and I didn't feel jealous. We finally got to the point where we could talk about our other relationships and although it stung a little hearing about him with other girls no longer made me want to cry. We finally reached the point where we were just really close friends who had once dated. And then this past fall we started getting to be even closer friends. We got back to talking every day again, and one night for some reason I stopped fighting it and let myself flirt with him again. And he flirted back. And then there was Thanksgiving, and then Christmas break. And now Mike describes our relationship as "best friends that sleep together" and yeah, that's pretty much exactly what this is. Whatever our relationship is right now it feels good. I feel like we're both more mature and we both understand each other better than we ever did in the past. It still sucks because we're still in limbo and we're basically stuck in a position of wanting to be together but not being able to have things the way we want them to be. And I don't think either of us want to be exclusive again unless we can be in the same place and have the full relationship we both want. So who knows if that will happen. I know I'd like it to happen, and I think he'd like it to happen, but I know that as long as we're living in different places there are a whole lot of factors that could come into play, and a whole lot can happen in a year and a half (which is probably reasonably how long it would be before we could be in the same place even if things do head that way). Basically all I know is that we have a great time together, and he makes me happier than any other person I know, and we had a really great time together this month and I suppose that's all that matters right now. I need to stop rambling.
Mike was here at my apartment with me all week and we had a great time. We were together literally 24/7 for a whole week and I never once got annoyed with him being here or wished he would get out of my space, which is pretty impressive considering how much I like being alone. We did touristy things like hanging out on 6th Street and the drag and shopping at the outlet malls, and we ate A LOT. My god, did we eat. There are all these restaurants here that Mike loves that they don't have in El Paso, so we'd basically plan our day around where we wanted to eat. Haha. We also just bummed around a lot. We'd take Cohen on walks in the park, and one night we just stayed in and rented a movie (2046, I highly recommend it), we chilled in the hot tub one night...one night we were both lying on the couch and he was watching football and I was reading and I thought wow, we are an old married couple...and I could definitely get used to this. All in all it was great.
Of course, now I'm feeling down because my apartment feels really empty and I have no idea when Mike and I are going to get to see each other again so that sucks. But I am feeling hopeful right now.
Anyway, I'm talking to Kirby online and I haven't talked to him in months so trying to do both this and that at the same time is really hard. So I'm done with this.
Wow, it has been a while, hasn't it? So much has happened since I last posted. In fact, the first couple of weeks of this year have been very close to perfect. To talk about everything I've done in the past couple of weeks would take a lot of energy that I don't really feel like expending right now, plus you probably wouldn't really want to read about it anyway. Because, honestly, how many times can I say, "Mike and I did such-and-such and we had a great time!" before you get bored?
Actually, there was more to the past two weeks than Mike. There was my brief whirlwind trip to Las Vegas. Mom, Dad, Grandma, Grandpa, Chelsea and I went to celebrate Chelsea's 21st birthday. I had a great time. We only stayed for two nights and one full day so it was an incredibly short trip, but we crammed a lot of fun and luxury into a short time. We stayed at the Bellagio and for a Vegas hotel room it was great. My favorite things were the buttons that opened and closed the drapes (You could do it from bed! It was actually really cheesy now that I think about it) and the giant bathtub. We ate at a couple of good restaurants Olives and Jasmine. We went to the hotel spa and got massages and I took a shower in the coolest shower ever. It was a "light therapy" shower. I don't know what the hell light therapy is actually supposed to do other than make easily amused people like myself happy, but the shower had three different shower heads (one that came down from above like rain) and the lighting would subtly change from red to blue to green to yellow to pink and repeat the cycle in some kind of random pattern I never did figure out even though I stood in the shower for a while. We saw Avenue Q at the Wynn Hotel and it was excellent except for the part where my Grandpa almost passed out from dehydration right before intermission. All through intermission ushers were hovering around us and there was talk of bringing in a wheelchair and calling an ambulance. Apparently my Grandpa knew that he just needed water or Gatorade and apparently my dad has seen this happen on the golf course before so they weren't worried, but all us womenfolk (ha) were pretty freaked out. I thought he was having a heart attack or something. The whole thing scared me because it made me realize that my grandparents are getting old and they won't be around forever. One day someone will have to call that ambulance, you know? It scares me. Luckily he recovered in time for the second act and I ended up really liking the show. I'm so glad I got to see it. I won $175 playing blackjack, which was really awesome because I never win anything. We also went to the Rum Jungle club at Mandalay Bay, which sucked, and Studio 54 at the MGM, which was so much fun. Chelsea and I met these guys from New Jersey who ended up being fun dance partners. I normally hate guys at clubs because they tend to just start grinding on you uninvited when you're just trying to dance with your girlfriends (Why do guys do this? Why?) but these two were actually polite. They were quite possibly the most polite guys I've ever met at a club. The guy I ended up hanging out with actually introduced himself and chatted to me for a while without making idiot comments about my "beautiful smile" or "hot legs in that skirt" or any other variety of the stupid pick up lines I usually get. Then he politely invited me to dance and once we were dancing together he didn't put his hands on me until I touched his shoulders first which I really appreciate. And then he bought me a couple of drinks when we got tired of dancing (we all danced together for two straight hours, the DJ was rockin') and at the end of the night when Chelsea and I went to head home he didn't try to kiss me and he didn't beg me to stay out longer or come back to his room with him. And the guy Chelsea was with seemed to be the same way. They weren't guys I'd be interested in dating even if there wasn't the complication of me being in Texas and them being in New Jersey, but it was the first time in a long time that I've been in a bar or club without feeling like a piece of meat to be drooled over, and I appreciated that a lot. Apparently there are still decent guys out there.
Speaking of decent guys, I had so much fun with Mike during break. I seriously can't even explain how comfortable I am with him and how much fun we have together. It feels like we've come full circle. We dated, we fell in love, we broke up because long distance relationships suck and we were only 20 years old and we needed to see what else was out there, we had some rough times and some hurtful things were said as we tried to get over each other, we realized getting over each other was impossible but we both wanted to really be done with the relationship so there were a couple of awkward years where we both tried our best to date other people and get over each other but somehow kept sleeping together each time we saw each other anyway, and all along we kept talking pretty much every day. And then came last year. We still talked a lot but not as much. Sometimes a week or two would go by with just a few text messages. And when we did talk I didn't feel needy and I didn't feel jealous. We finally got to the point where we could talk about our other relationships and although it stung a little hearing about him with other girls no longer made me want to cry. We finally reached the point where we were just really close friends who had once dated. And then this past fall we started getting to be even closer friends. We got back to talking every day again, and one night for some reason I stopped fighting it and let myself flirt with him again. And he flirted back. And then there was Thanksgiving, and then Christmas break. And now Mike describes our relationship as "best friends that sleep together" and yeah, that's pretty much exactly what this is. Whatever our relationship is right now it feels good. I feel like we're both more mature and we both understand each other better than we ever did in the past. It still sucks because we're still in limbo and we're basically stuck in a position of wanting to be together but not being able to have things the way we want them to be. And I don't think either of us want to be exclusive again unless we can be in the same place and have the full relationship we both want. So who knows if that will happen. I know I'd like it to happen, and I think he'd like it to happen, but I know that as long as we're living in different places there are a whole lot of factors that could come into play, and a whole lot can happen in a year and a half (which is probably reasonably how long it would be before we could be in the same place even if things do head that way). Basically all I know is that we have a great time together, and he makes me happier than any other person I know, and we had a really great time together this month and I suppose that's all that matters right now. I need to stop rambling.
Mike was here at my apartment with me all week and we had a great time. We were together literally 24/7 for a whole week and I never once got annoyed with him being here or wished he would get out of my space, which is pretty impressive considering how much I like being alone. We did touristy things like hanging out on 6th Street and the drag and shopping at the outlet malls, and we ate A LOT. My god, did we eat. There are all these restaurants here that Mike loves that they don't have in El Paso, so we'd basically plan our day around where we wanted to eat. Haha. We also just bummed around a lot. We'd take Cohen on walks in the park, and one night we just stayed in and rented a movie (2046, I highly recommend it), we chilled in the hot tub one night...one night we were both lying on the couch and he was watching football and I was reading and I thought wow, we are an old married couple...and I could definitely get used to this. All in all it was great.
Of course, now I'm feeling down because my apartment feels really empty and I have no idea when Mike and I are going to get to see each other again so that sucks. But I am feeling hopeful right now.
Anyway, I'm talking to Kirby online and I haven't talked to him in months so trying to do both this and that at the same time is really hard. So I'm done with this.
Sunday, January 01, 2006
Happy 2006!!
Can you believe it's 2006? Time is such a strange thing. It simultaneously feels like there's no way an entire year has gone by and like it has been six lifetimes since I was living in Fort Worth and student teaching in Grapevine last spring.
I'm excited about 2006. I like the potential of New Year's Day, of not having any idea what might come my way in the next year. There's always the possibility that 2006 could be the first year of my life that really sucks. But I'm an optimist so I like to think that maybe this will be the best year I've ever had. Or at the very least that I'll manage to be pretty content this year.
If the first eighteen hours are any indication, 2006 could end up being really good. I spent basically all day yesterday with Mike. His older brother got married yesterday. They had a Justice of the Peace marry them at a courthouse so I didn't go to the wedding ceremony itself, but Mike invited me to the reception which was just a casual food-and-cake deal at his sister Amy's house. It was mainly Mike's family there, Patty (Devin's new wife)'s family, and some friends of Devin's from work. I had fun. The food was delicious, and I like Mike's family. They're nice people.
Then last night Mike took me to his friend Brian's New Year's Eve party. I'd been kind of stressed about New Year's Eve since I didn't know who was going to be at the party and I was irrationally worried that I was gonna have to beat dumb chicks off Mike with a stick all night long, but it ended up being so much fun. Mike kept me close to him all night and introduced me to people and I never felt left out at all, which was awesome. It also helps that I'm finally getting to know everybody now, and can sometimes keep up with at least some of their group gossip. It helps that I can at least put faces to most of the names now. I'm also finally starting to get why Mike loves his guy friends so much, because they really are funny as hell. Turns out it just takes a while for them to warm up to an outsider like me, I guess. I have to say I still don't like most of the girls, though, and it's honestly not a jealousy thing. I would admit it if it was. I just feel like most of the girls in the group are, well, dumb. There are some girls in the group that I actually do like, but a lot of them make me sad. Maybe they're intelligent, friendly, rational people, but most of them come across as ditzy. Plus I keep hearing stories about them that just depress me. Like the girl Mike was dating for a while who is basically just a basketcase who got evicted from her apartment and can never pay her bills (and not because she had a legitimate emergency that caused her to lose her money, just because she's an irresponsible person). Or the girl who is married and screwing around with seemingly all of the guys in the group (apparently she's getting divorced now, thank god). Or the girl who is always out with the guys whenever I go out who has a baby at home. I'm sorry, but I have no sympathy for a girl with a baby. It was her stupid mistake getting pregnant in the first place (There is no reason for an accidental pregnancy, there just isn't. And you can't convince me there is, so don't even try), and her even bigger mistake choosing to have and keeping the baby. So I don't feel bad that she couldn't come to the new year's party because her baby daddy didn't come to pick up the kid. When she chose to have the baby she chose to give up her going out drinking and partying non-stop lifestyle. Or at least, she should have in order to be a good mother. That's not to say you can't go out and have a good time once you have kids, because I fully intend to continue drinking and partying once I'm a mom. But not as often as this girl seems to. She's the kind of parent that makes me sad.
So yeah, I'm getting way off topic. Most of the girls are lame, but the guys make me laugh.
The party was a lot of fun, and it was a sleep over so I got to spend all night cuddling with Mike, which was pretty perfect.
Crap, I have to go eat dinner right now so I cant elaborate like I wanted to. But I'll leave you with my favorite quotes of the evening/morning:
Matt: Only thirty seconds left! Quick, if you wanted to do something in 2005 and you never did it, do it right now! I never did this: [Breaks out in bizarre gyrating dance move, head thrown back and hands waving in the air]
Carla (from across the room): Yes you did!
Matt: I did?
Carla: In Austin. Alllll of Austin.
Matt: Damn! 10! 9! 8!...
"Wow Bob. That wasn't very G-Unit of you."-Bubba, staring down the stairs towards the bathroom, where Bob had just finished puking all over the bathroom door and the hall floor [yeah, it was a pretty ridiculous party]
"Hey, Bob. This blanket? It's gangster!...This loveseat? Not so gangster."-Matt. That was the first thing he said upon waking up this morning. Like, literally the very first thing. It KILLED me.
Me: Why did you sleep on that short loveseat? You're the tallest person here.
Matt: When I came to bed it was the only place that wasn't already taken up by people or throw up.
There was so much more, but apparently we're going to dinner like, NOW, so I'm out. All in all, it was a pretty awesome night.
I'm excited about 2006. I like the potential of New Year's Day, of not having any idea what might come my way in the next year. There's always the possibility that 2006 could be the first year of my life that really sucks. But I'm an optimist so I like to think that maybe this will be the best year I've ever had. Or at the very least that I'll manage to be pretty content this year.
If the first eighteen hours are any indication, 2006 could end up being really good. I spent basically all day yesterday with Mike. His older brother got married yesterday. They had a Justice of the Peace marry them at a courthouse so I didn't go to the wedding ceremony itself, but Mike invited me to the reception which was just a casual food-and-cake deal at his sister Amy's house. It was mainly Mike's family there, Patty (Devin's new wife)'s family, and some friends of Devin's from work. I had fun. The food was delicious, and I like Mike's family. They're nice people.
Then last night Mike took me to his friend Brian's New Year's Eve party. I'd been kind of stressed about New Year's Eve since I didn't know who was going to be at the party and I was irrationally worried that I was gonna have to beat dumb chicks off Mike with a stick all night long, but it ended up being so much fun. Mike kept me close to him all night and introduced me to people and I never felt left out at all, which was awesome. It also helps that I'm finally getting to know everybody now, and can sometimes keep up with at least some of their group gossip. It helps that I can at least put faces to most of the names now. I'm also finally starting to get why Mike loves his guy friends so much, because they really are funny as hell. Turns out it just takes a while for them to warm up to an outsider like me, I guess. I have to say I still don't like most of the girls, though, and it's honestly not a jealousy thing. I would admit it if it was. I just feel like most of the girls in the group are, well, dumb. There are some girls in the group that I actually do like, but a lot of them make me sad. Maybe they're intelligent, friendly, rational people, but most of them come across as ditzy. Plus I keep hearing stories about them that just depress me. Like the girl Mike was dating for a while who is basically just a basketcase who got evicted from her apartment and can never pay her bills (and not because she had a legitimate emergency that caused her to lose her money, just because she's an irresponsible person). Or the girl who is married and screwing around with seemingly all of the guys in the group (apparently she's getting divorced now, thank god). Or the girl who is always out with the guys whenever I go out who has a baby at home. I'm sorry, but I have no sympathy for a girl with a baby. It was her stupid mistake getting pregnant in the first place (There is no reason for an accidental pregnancy, there just isn't. And you can't convince me there is, so don't even try), and her even bigger mistake choosing to have and keeping the baby. So I don't feel bad that she couldn't come to the new year's party because her baby daddy didn't come to pick up the kid. When she chose to have the baby she chose to give up her going out drinking and partying non-stop lifestyle. Or at least, she should have in order to be a good mother. That's not to say you can't go out and have a good time once you have kids, because I fully intend to continue drinking and partying once I'm a mom. But not as often as this girl seems to. She's the kind of parent that makes me sad.
So yeah, I'm getting way off topic. Most of the girls are lame, but the guys make me laugh.
The party was a lot of fun, and it was a sleep over so I got to spend all night cuddling with Mike, which was pretty perfect.
Crap, I have to go eat dinner right now so I cant elaborate like I wanted to. But I'll leave you with my favorite quotes of the evening/morning:
Matt: Only thirty seconds left! Quick, if you wanted to do something in 2005 and you never did it, do it right now! I never did this: [Breaks out in bizarre gyrating dance move, head thrown back and hands waving in the air]
Carla (from across the room): Yes you did!
Matt: I did?
Carla: In Austin. Alllll of Austin.
Matt: Damn! 10! 9! 8!...
"Wow Bob. That wasn't very G-Unit of you."-Bubba, staring down the stairs towards the bathroom, where Bob had just finished puking all over the bathroom door and the hall floor [yeah, it was a pretty ridiculous party]
"Hey, Bob. This blanket? It's gangster!...This loveseat? Not so gangster."-Matt. That was the first thing he said upon waking up this morning. Like, literally the very first thing. It KILLED me.
Me: Why did you sleep on that short loveseat? You're the tallest person here.
Matt: When I came to bed it was the only place that wasn't already taken up by people or throw up.
There was so much more, but apparently we're going to dinner like, NOW, so I'm out. All in all, it was a pretty awesome night.
Saturday, December 31, 2005
2005 In Review
It's my annual New Year's Eve day tradition:
1). What did you do in 2005 that you'd never done before? Lived completely on my own without my family or a roommate, lived in central Texas, took graduate school classes and wrote graduate-level research papers, owned a dog...those are the major ones I suppose.
2) Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
Last year's resolutions:
#1 Graduate from college--Yeah I did!!!!
#2 Get into a graduate school and ideally get an assistantship to help pay for it--Done and done!
#3 Stop rationalizing that having sex counts as working out and actually work out outside of the bedroom at least four times a week. Think how great your body could be if you were having sex AND working out! Besides, it’s clearly not a good idea to depend on regular sex for the health benefits. --Other than the months of January and February when I was hurt and the month of June where I was really busy with the Van Cliburn competition at work (and technically running around a lot anyway) I worked out twenty or more days a month. So all in all I did pretty damn good on keeping my new years' resolutions this year.
Resolutions for 2006:
#1 Keep up my workout routine and continue working out at least twenty days a month, hopefully every single month this year.
#2 Start cooking at home more often. It was the Christmas of cookbooks-I got two of them for some reason-so I think that's a sign that I need to translate my Food Network addiction into some actual cooking. I was originally going to resolve to make a home cooked meal once a week, but I think I'll start out with at least twice a month and work my way up from there. And only meals that actually require a recipe count towards this goal.
#3 Get a paper published and/or accepted for presentation at a conference.
3) Did anyone close to you give birth? Not really. A couple of my cousins popped out babies but that doesn't really count since I am not really close to either of them.
4) Did anyone close to you die?
Me: Hey, did we know anyone that died this year? Not really, huh?
Chelsea: Great-Grandma.
Me: Oh yeah. Well, there's that.
So that answers that question. My great-grandmother died a few days before Christmas. I'd just visited her over the summer but prior to that hadn't seen her in three years and even though I liked her just fine I can't say we were close.
5) What countries did you visit? Sadly, none. I didn't even manage to make it to Mexico this year.
6) What would you like to have in 2006 that you lacked in 2005? More money!! I don't know. Honestly, I have pretty much everything I want right now. I guess if I have to pick something I'll say I'd like to make a really close grad school friend, since at this point I have a lot of friends that I hang out with in class and outside of class sometimes but not really anyone that I call to gossip with everyday and I kinda miss that.
7) What date from 2005 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? I've actually been thinking about this the past few days and I think that date would be May 13th. I remember the actual date because it was the day before I graduated from TCU. It was just an awesome day. The day of graduation itself was exhausting and, to be honest, kind of boring, but the day before graduation was PERFECT. I was already in a great mood from all the partying we'd been doing all week long, and that was the day of my graduation party at Michael's. My whole family was there, and pretty much everyone I'd met and loved during my college years came out to celebrate, and I was just really, really happy. Not to mention that's the day I got my Cohen!!
8) What was your biggest achievement of the year? Getting into graduate school and getting all the scholarships and the assistantship to pay for it, definitely. Well, and actually graduating from college of course but it has sort of been a given my whole life that I was gonna graduate from college eventually so that didn't feel like such a huge accomplishment, even though I know that technically it is. Graduating summa cum laude was pretty big, I suppose.
9) What was your biggest failure? Honestly, while I passed the course and got certified and actually got good reviews from my supervising teacher and my professors, I don't think I did so great at student teaching. I definitely phoned in that entire semester and completely coasted through that job. So I didn't fail, but in retrospect I know I could have done it all a lot better if I hadn't been so busy drinking and fooling around and sleeping only four hours a night for most of the semester. Haha.
10) Did you suffer illness or injury? Way back in January I fell down some stairs in a parking garage at a theatre conference and sprained my ankle pretty badly and had to be on crutches for a while. And then I proceeded to limp around until like, March. That SUCKED. And then in August my wisdom teeth started hurting like hell (right as I was in the middle of my big move, thanks a lot teeth!) and I had to have all four of them pulled. Those were the worst things.
11) What was the best thing you bought? I didn't buy anything awesome, but the best thing I got this year was definitely Cohen. When my sister dropped him into my lap at lunch the day before graduation and told me he was mine, it was seriously one of the happiest moments of my life. I can't remember ever being so excited about anything. I love that basset hound way too much. I tell him every night that he can't leave me until I have more basset hounds and preferably a human family of my own. Because pathetic as it is, if something were to happen to him right now I'd be a wreck. I always knew I wanted a dog, but I never knew it would be as much fun as it is.
12) Whose behavior merited celebration? Oh hell, I don't know. Let's say everyone who graduated with me. That's a good answer. Oh, oh, and Kymberli for finally taking a serious step towards getting her weight under control and getting healthy. I'm so proud of her for starting a program and I hope she sticks with it. Oh, and I almost forgot, I was really proud of my dad when he got inducted into the Texas Restaurant Hall of Honor this year. That was cool.
13) Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? Every year I do this, and every year I HATE this question. I hate it even more than the merited celebration question and I think that one is pretty stupid too. Hmmmm...maybe Jorge. For a while I thought he had potential to actually do something with his life if he could just get his act together, but lately he just seems to be on a huge downward spiral. It's gotten to the point where I don't even want to talk to him much anymore because I just know he's going to be drunk and ridiculous, which is sad because six months ago I considered him one of my best friends.
14) Where did most of your money go? Rent, same as always. I have to spend about half of my monthly paycheck on rent for my one-bedroom apartment (obviously, I don't get paid much). Other than that, probably eating out. I eat way too much fast food. I'm cutting back in 2006. That's why I need to learn to cook.
15) What did you get really, really, really excited about? Graduating from college. The week prior to graduation was the single most exciting week of the entire year. Moving to my new hometown was also exciting, but it was a more bittersweet excitement because I had to leave behind so many people I love in Fort Worth.
16) What song will always remind you of 2005? Hmmm...Kanye West's "Gold Digger".
17) Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder? I think I'm happier. At this exact moment, on New Year's Eve, I am happier than I was on New Year's Eve last year. I think 2006 has a lot of potential.
ii. thinner or fatter? Thinner by a few pounds. Although I was even thinner before I came home for Christmas. I've been eating non-stop for two weeks now. I still think I'm thinner than I was last year, though.
iii. richer or poorer? I'm technically poorer (poorer? Is that really a word? It's awful) but because I'm more or less supporting myself now I feel richer. I can't wait to get my scholarship money next month, though, I NEED it.
18) What do you wish you'd done more of? I wish I'd accepted more invitations. I'm so damn antisocial. My classmates invite me out fairly often and I say no a lot, and I don't even know why. I'm too lazy, I'd seriously rather just chill on my couch with the dog. But I need to stop doing that because I don't have enough good stories anymore. I think in 2006 I need to go out more often.
19) What do you wish you'd done less of? I need to spend less time on the internet. Seriously. The amount of time I wasted browsing the internet when I was supposed to be doing research is ridiculous.
20) How did you spend Christmas? Man, Christmas came and went really fast this year. I would think it hadn't even happened yet except that my bottom dresser drawer is full of opened gifts and, hey, it's New Year's Eve. Christmas Eve was fondue and presents at Grandma and Grandpa's house. Christmas Day was stockings, presents, and cinnamon rolls here in the morning, then a prime rib Christmas dinner in the evening. And then on Christmas night Mike and I went to Maverick's and I got to hang out with his friend Haley for the first time and then he and I spent the rest of the night snuggling and other not-so-innocent things in the "murder room". It was a good Christmas, it just wasn't very eventful and it really did come and go faster than any other Christmas in my life so far.
21) Did you fall in love in 2005? I don't know yet. I'm scared to think too hard about that question right now.
22) How many one-night stands? None. I was really good this year. Or really boring, depending on how you look at things.
23) What was your favorite TV program? Curb Your Enthusiasm, America's Next Top Model, and every single thing on the Food Network other than Emeril Live.
24) Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year? Nope. There is that creepy guy that lives in my apartment complex, but I certainly don't hate him I'm just a little scared of him. Luckily, he hasn't called me on break so perhaps he has actually given up. Plus I'm going to try to ensure that he'll run into me and Mike hanging out in the apartment complex hot tub one night while Mike's in town and he'll figure that I'm taken and leave me alone from now on.
25) What was the best book you read? I read so many books it's hard to keep track....I don't know if I'd say it's the best thing I read all year, but the thing that made the biggest impression on me (and it's actually a play) was Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?
26) What was your greatest musical discovery? Um, I discovered that I really, really like The Rolling Stones. I don't think that counts, though, since obviously I knew they existed long before 2005.
27) What did you want and get? Mainly I just wanted to get into graduate school and have a plan for something to do after college graduation, and thankfully I got that.
28) What did you want and not get? I think last year I mentioned that I'd like a committed relationship, a guy to call my boyfriend. And I still don't have that. But I'm also STILL not positive that I want that right now, so it's all good.
29) What was your favorite film of this year? Sadly, there was not a single movie that made a big impression on me this year. I was just thinking the other day that 2005 was a pretty lackluster year as far as movies go. Here's hoping 2006 will be more exciting.
30) What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? I turned 23. It was a pretty low key birthday. My grandparents were in town for it and threw me a birthday party at McCormick and Schmick's in Austin. My siblings were there, and my aunt, uncle, and cousins. It was really good. Then the next day my sister surprised me by cooking me the birthday dinner Mom always used to make while I was growing up. It was a good birthday but very, very tame compared to my past few birthdays.
31) What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? I hate this question, too. I don't know. I was pretty satisfied as it was. I know that's a cop-out answer, but seriously, I don't know.
32) How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2005? In early 2005 I was teaching so I had to dress up pretty much every day and I wore dress pants and skirts and a lot of sweaters and dress shirts. Since I moved I've been pretty lazy and I wear jeans basically non-stop, except when I go to class in my workout clothes, which I do far too often. I've kind of gone from one extreme to the other. I still love dressing up to go out, I just don't do it much these days.
33) What kept you sane? Writing in my private journal, and being able to bitch about stuff to Mike, Kymberli, and Jenny.
34) Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? I've never been one to lust over celebrities, and the older I get the less I care. Although my sister and I do like talking about how hot Nigel from America's Next Top Model is.
35) What political issue stirred you the most? I've been depressingly apathetic this year. I hate to be one of those young Americans who doesn't care but, well, for the most part I just can't get interested in politics. I vote, I keep a bit of a pulse on things I really care about like abortion rights, but beyond that I don't pay much attention. I guess you could consider Hurricane Katrina a political issue, and if that's the case that's about the only one I really cared much about. It was the first time I've ever donated money to disaster relief funds. (Confession I probably shouldn't make but will anyway: I donated more money to animal relief than I did to the Red Cross. But hey, at least I donated, right?)
36) Whom did you miss? I miss all of my Fort Worth friends, especially Kymberli. I hate not being able to go out for drinks with her or just lie on the floor watching trash TV with her whenever we feel like it. I also miss Mike, but I'm so used that feeling now I can't really remember when I didn't miss him.
37) Who was the best new person you met? I'd have to say my friend Mandi. Of all my grad school friends she is the one that I have most clicked with. She's in a really serious relationship so we don't go out much, but when we do we always have a lot to talk about and we have fun together. Oh, and I've had fun getting to know Matthew, although I don't think he counts since technically he was already an acquaintance prior to this year.
38) Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2005. If you actually sleep and work out regularly, you really will feel better! It's not just a load of crap, that get-8-hours-of-sleep stuff. I don't actually know if I learned anything valuable. Probably not!
39) Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
Gonna find my baby
Gonna hold her tight
Gonna have some afternoon delight.
Yeah, I don't know. Mike just called and told me he's on his way to pick me up for a New Year's Eve party so I don't have time to actually think about this one. If I come up with anything profound tonight I'll post it tomorrow.
Feliz Ano Nuevo!
2006. Damn...
1). What did you do in 2005 that you'd never done before? Lived completely on my own without my family or a roommate, lived in central Texas, took graduate school classes and wrote graduate-level research papers, owned a dog...those are the major ones I suppose.
2) Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
Last year's resolutions:
#1 Graduate from college--Yeah I did!!!!
#2 Get into a graduate school and ideally get an assistantship to help pay for it--Done and done!
#3 Stop rationalizing that having sex counts as working out and actually work out outside of the bedroom at least four times a week. Think how great your body could be if you were having sex AND working out! Besides, it’s clearly not a good idea to depend on regular sex for the health benefits. --Other than the months of January and February when I was hurt and the month of June where I was really busy with the Van Cliburn competition at work (and technically running around a lot anyway) I worked out twenty or more days a month. So all in all I did pretty damn good on keeping my new years' resolutions this year.
Resolutions for 2006:
#1 Keep up my workout routine and continue working out at least twenty days a month, hopefully every single month this year.
#2 Start cooking at home more often. It was the Christmas of cookbooks-I got two of them for some reason-so I think that's a sign that I need to translate my Food Network addiction into some actual cooking. I was originally going to resolve to make a home cooked meal once a week, but I think I'll start out with at least twice a month and work my way up from there. And only meals that actually require a recipe count towards this goal.
#3 Get a paper published and/or accepted for presentation at a conference.
3) Did anyone close to you give birth? Not really. A couple of my cousins popped out babies but that doesn't really count since I am not really close to either of them.
4) Did anyone close to you die?
Me: Hey, did we know anyone that died this year? Not really, huh?
Chelsea: Great-Grandma.
Me: Oh yeah. Well, there's that.
So that answers that question. My great-grandmother died a few days before Christmas. I'd just visited her over the summer but prior to that hadn't seen her in three years and even though I liked her just fine I can't say we were close.
5) What countries did you visit? Sadly, none. I didn't even manage to make it to Mexico this year.
6) What would you like to have in 2006 that you lacked in 2005? More money!! I don't know. Honestly, I have pretty much everything I want right now. I guess if I have to pick something I'll say I'd like to make a really close grad school friend, since at this point I have a lot of friends that I hang out with in class and outside of class sometimes but not really anyone that I call to gossip with everyday and I kinda miss that.
7) What date from 2005 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? I've actually been thinking about this the past few days and I think that date would be May 13th. I remember the actual date because it was the day before I graduated from TCU. It was just an awesome day. The day of graduation itself was exhausting and, to be honest, kind of boring, but the day before graduation was PERFECT. I was already in a great mood from all the partying we'd been doing all week long, and that was the day of my graduation party at Michael's. My whole family was there, and pretty much everyone I'd met and loved during my college years came out to celebrate, and I was just really, really happy. Not to mention that's the day I got my Cohen!!
8) What was your biggest achievement of the year? Getting into graduate school and getting all the scholarships and the assistantship to pay for it, definitely. Well, and actually graduating from college of course but it has sort of been a given my whole life that I was gonna graduate from college eventually so that didn't feel like such a huge accomplishment, even though I know that technically it is. Graduating summa cum laude was pretty big, I suppose.
9) What was your biggest failure? Honestly, while I passed the course and got certified and actually got good reviews from my supervising teacher and my professors, I don't think I did so great at student teaching. I definitely phoned in that entire semester and completely coasted through that job. So I didn't fail, but in retrospect I know I could have done it all a lot better if I hadn't been so busy drinking and fooling around and sleeping only four hours a night for most of the semester. Haha.
10) Did you suffer illness or injury? Way back in January I fell down some stairs in a parking garage at a theatre conference and sprained my ankle pretty badly and had to be on crutches for a while. And then I proceeded to limp around until like, March. That SUCKED. And then in August my wisdom teeth started hurting like hell (right as I was in the middle of my big move, thanks a lot teeth!) and I had to have all four of them pulled. Those were the worst things.
11) What was the best thing you bought? I didn't buy anything awesome, but the best thing I got this year was definitely Cohen. When my sister dropped him into my lap at lunch the day before graduation and told me he was mine, it was seriously one of the happiest moments of my life. I can't remember ever being so excited about anything. I love that basset hound way too much. I tell him every night that he can't leave me until I have more basset hounds and preferably a human family of my own. Because pathetic as it is, if something were to happen to him right now I'd be a wreck. I always knew I wanted a dog, but I never knew it would be as much fun as it is.
12) Whose behavior merited celebration? Oh hell, I don't know. Let's say everyone who graduated with me. That's a good answer. Oh, oh, and Kymberli for finally taking a serious step towards getting her weight under control and getting healthy. I'm so proud of her for starting a program and I hope she sticks with it. Oh, and I almost forgot, I was really proud of my dad when he got inducted into the Texas Restaurant Hall of Honor this year. That was cool.
13) Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? Every year I do this, and every year I HATE this question. I hate it even more than the merited celebration question and I think that one is pretty stupid too. Hmmmm...maybe Jorge. For a while I thought he had potential to actually do something with his life if he could just get his act together, but lately he just seems to be on a huge downward spiral. It's gotten to the point where I don't even want to talk to him much anymore because I just know he's going to be drunk and ridiculous, which is sad because six months ago I considered him one of my best friends.
14) Where did most of your money go? Rent, same as always. I have to spend about half of my monthly paycheck on rent for my one-bedroom apartment (obviously, I don't get paid much). Other than that, probably eating out. I eat way too much fast food. I'm cutting back in 2006. That's why I need to learn to cook.
15) What did you get really, really, really excited about? Graduating from college. The week prior to graduation was the single most exciting week of the entire year. Moving to my new hometown was also exciting, but it was a more bittersweet excitement because I had to leave behind so many people I love in Fort Worth.
16) What song will always remind you of 2005? Hmmm...Kanye West's "Gold Digger".
17) Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder? I think I'm happier. At this exact moment, on New Year's Eve, I am happier than I was on New Year's Eve last year. I think 2006 has a lot of potential.
ii. thinner or fatter? Thinner by a few pounds. Although I was even thinner before I came home for Christmas. I've been eating non-stop for two weeks now. I still think I'm thinner than I was last year, though.
iii. richer or poorer? I'm technically poorer (poorer? Is that really a word? It's awful) but because I'm more or less supporting myself now I feel richer. I can't wait to get my scholarship money next month, though, I NEED it.
18) What do you wish you'd done more of? I wish I'd accepted more invitations. I'm so damn antisocial. My classmates invite me out fairly often and I say no a lot, and I don't even know why. I'm too lazy, I'd seriously rather just chill on my couch with the dog. But I need to stop doing that because I don't have enough good stories anymore. I think in 2006 I need to go out more often.
19) What do you wish you'd done less of? I need to spend less time on the internet. Seriously. The amount of time I wasted browsing the internet when I was supposed to be doing research is ridiculous.
20) How did you spend Christmas? Man, Christmas came and went really fast this year. I would think it hadn't even happened yet except that my bottom dresser drawer is full of opened gifts and, hey, it's New Year's Eve. Christmas Eve was fondue and presents at Grandma and Grandpa's house. Christmas Day was stockings, presents, and cinnamon rolls here in the morning, then a prime rib Christmas dinner in the evening. And then on Christmas night Mike and I went to Maverick's and I got to hang out with his friend Haley for the first time and then he and I spent the rest of the night snuggling and other not-so-innocent things in the "murder room". It was a good Christmas, it just wasn't very eventful and it really did come and go faster than any other Christmas in my life so far.
21) Did you fall in love in 2005? I don't know yet. I'm scared to think too hard about that question right now.
22) How many one-night stands? None. I was really good this year. Or really boring, depending on how you look at things.
23) What was your favorite TV program? Curb Your Enthusiasm, America's Next Top Model, and every single thing on the Food Network other than Emeril Live.
24) Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year? Nope. There is that creepy guy that lives in my apartment complex, but I certainly don't hate him I'm just a little scared of him. Luckily, he hasn't called me on break so perhaps he has actually given up. Plus I'm going to try to ensure that he'll run into me and Mike hanging out in the apartment complex hot tub one night while Mike's in town and he'll figure that I'm taken and leave me alone from now on.
25) What was the best book you read? I read so many books it's hard to keep track....I don't know if I'd say it's the best thing I read all year, but the thing that made the biggest impression on me (and it's actually a play) was Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?
26) What was your greatest musical discovery? Um, I discovered that I really, really like The Rolling Stones. I don't think that counts, though, since obviously I knew they existed long before 2005.
27) What did you want and get? Mainly I just wanted to get into graduate school and have a plan for something to do after college graduation, and thankfully I got that.
28) What did you want and not get? I think last year I mentioned that I'd like a committed relationship, a guy to call my boyfriend. And I still don't have that. But I'm also STILL not positive that I want that right now, so it's all good.
29) What was your favorite film of this year? Sadly, there was not a single movie that made a big impression on me this year. I was just thinking the other day that 2005 was a pretty lackluster year as far as movies go. Here's hoping 2006 will be more exciting.
30) What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? I turned 23. It was a pretty low key birthday. My grandparents were in town for it and threw me a birthday party at McCormick and Schmick's in Austin. My siblings were there, and my aunt, uncle, and cousins. It was really good. Then the next day my sister surprised me by cooking me the birthday dinner Mom always used to make while I was growing up. It was a good birthday but very, very tame compared to my past few birthdays.
31) What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? I hate this question, too. I don't know. I was pretty satisfied as it was. I know that's a cop-out answer, but seriously, I don't know.
32) How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2005? In early 2005 I was teaching so I had to dress up pretty much every day and I wore dress pants and skirts and a lot of sweaters and dress shirts. Since I moved I've been pretty lazy and I wear jeans basically non-stop, except when I go to class in my workout clothes, which I do far too often. I've kind of gone from one extreme to the other. I still love dressing up to go out, I just don't do it much these days.
33) What kept you sane? Writing in my private journal, and being able to bitch about stuff to Mike, Kymberli, and Jenny.
34) Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? I've never been one to lust over celebrities, and the older I get the less I care. Although my sister and I do like talking about how hot Nigel from America's Next Top Model is.
35) What political issue stirred you the most? I've been depressingly apathetic this year. I hate to be one of those young Americans who doesn't care but, well, for the most part I just can't get interested in politics. I vote, I keep a bit of a pulse on things I really care about like abortion rights, but beyond that I don't pay much attention. I guess you could consider Hurricane Katrina a political issue, and if that's the case that's about the only one I really cared much about. It was the first time I've ever donated money to disaster relief funds. (Confession I probably shouldn't make but will anyway: I donated more money to animal relief than I did to the Red Cross. But hey, at least I donated, right?)
36) Whom did you miss? I miss all of my Fort Worth friends, especially Kymberli. I hate not being able to go out for drinks with her or just lie on the floor watching trash TV with her whenever we feel like it. I also miss Mike, but I'm so used that feeling now I can't really remember when I didn't miss him.
37) Who was the best new person you met? I'd have to say my friend Mandi. Of all my grad school friends she is the one that I have most clicked with. She's in a really serious relationship so we don't go out much, but when we do we always have a lot to talk about and we have fun together. Oh, and I've had fun getting to know Matthew, although I don't think he counts since technically he was already an acquaintance prior to this year.
38) Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2005. If you actually sleep and work out regularly, you really will feel better! It's not just a load of crap, that get-8-hours-of-sleep stuff. I don't actually know if I learned anything valuable. Probably not!
39) Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
Gonna find my baby
Gonna hold her tight
Gonna have some afternoon delight.
Yeah, I don't know. Mike just called and told me he's on his way to pick me up for a New Year's Eve party so I don't have time to actually think about this one. If I come up with anything profound tonight I'll post it tomorrow.
Feliz Ano Nuevo!
2006. Damn...
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