[Let me preface this by saying I am not normally a bitchy or catty person and I would never say these things to either Mike or his girlfriend. I don't intend this post to come across that way, although I know it does. Instead of reading this as me being a bitch, just know that this was the last thing I needed to do to honestly make myself feel better.]
So I have the night off tonight, right? It's Tuesday, I don't have class on Wednesday and I don't have any serious homework due until next week, so I'm giving myself a break.
Amongst other things, I did some MySpace sleuthing and I decided on a whim to see if I could find a picture of Mike's new girlfriend. It was actually pretty easy and took almost no effort. He met her through a friend named Jackie, so I just looked at Jackie's MySpace pictures and sure enough, there was a picture of her with this girl. (P.S.-I am not a MySpace psycho, I was pretty certain I'd be able to find a picture of her on Jackie's profile. Had Jackie not had a picture of her, I would have quit right then. I don't have all night to sleuth around on MySpace, I have better things to do).
Mike had described her to me as having dark hair and blue eyes, which is normally a really good combination so I was expecting her to be pretty damn hot, right? Well...she's not! She's not bad looking, she's actually sort of cute, I suppose. But she has very bad highlights and...oh man, this is good...she has Crazy Eyes!
I know I probably need to define what I mean by Crazy Eyes, but the thing is, Crazy Eyes is hard to define. You just know it when you see it. Crazy Eyes does not mean bad looking eyes or eyes that aren't pretty, it just means there is a look to her eyes that makes me think that deep down she's probably crazy. Kymberli and I started using the term "Crazy Eyes" in college to describe this girl Jaimie that we went to school with who actually ended up being psycho. Now, I'm not saying that this new girl is psycho. But to this day whenever I see people with eyes like that I get concerned. Since the days of Jaimie I've met several other Crazy Eyes people and sure enough, all of them eventually showed their crazy side. And I'm not talking crazy in a good way. I'm talking manic-depressive, or compulsive liar, or some other sort of crazy that manifests itself in more subtle ways until the one day Crazy Eyes finally goes off the deep end. Like I said, I can't explain it. It's just a gleam in the eye combined with sort of a bug-eyed appearance, and this girl definitely has Crazy Eyes.
So I'm not saying that Mike's new girl is crazy. I don't know the girl, for all I know she's perfectly fine. All I'm saying is, I've yet to meet someone with Crazy Eyes that didn't ultimately turn out to be nutty. So yeah, I'll never actually tell Mike that I think his girlfriend has Crazy Eyes. But the fact that I know she does secretly makes me even happier inside than I already was today.
I was afraid I'd find a picture of her and she'd be really hot and gorgeous. And I would admit it if she was. I'm not a very vain person and I have no trouble admitting when other women are prettier than I am. I am by no means gorgeous, and there are a lot of truly gorgeous women out there. But this new girlfriend is definitely not one of them. Like I said, she's cute other than the whole Crazy Eyes factor, but I am definitely the hotter girl. There's no doubt about that in my mind.
Man, I feel better. I was afraid that Mike actually had a really good reason for picking another woman over me. But nope, he has picked a Crazy Eyed girl who bartends for a living (and as far as he knows has no idea what she actually wants to do, which isn't so great when you're already 24).
I know it's stupid and pointless and petty, but the fact that I now know in my mind that I'm better on paper AND better looking as well makes me feel pretty damn good about myself. I think this was the last step I needed to really get over all of this. I realize that there is a lot more to a good romance connection than looks and superficial stuff like careers and money. But at least now if Mike never comes back around to me I'll at least have the satisfaction of knowing that it's his loss and he's actually not picking the better girl. If he does end up staying with her I'll concede that maybe she's the better girl for him, but at least now I know that I'm the Better Girl, period. In a contest based on superficial things like career success and looks, anyway. Haha.
Tuesday, February 28, 2006
Light at the end of the tunnel
I think...and I don't want to speak too soon and jinx myself, so I hope that doesn't happen...but I think I'm more or less feeling better. I had one last crying jag on Sunday evening, but since then there haven't been any more tears. And today I woke up for the first time feeling really good, like I really don't care.
I don't know how to explain how I felt before. I felt really...volatile. Like from one second to the next I didn't know if I was going to be happy or hopeful or whether I'd be on the verge of tears and wanting to just get back into bed or whether I'd be fucking pissed. The anger was the worst because before I could really stop myself I'd be saying bratty, stupid things to Mike. And the thing is, I've realized that I do want us to stay friends. I'm not as optimistic as he is about thinking that we can have the same close friendship that we've always had, but I also realize that I don't want him out of my life. If we're going to stop being friends it's going to happen gradually over time as we go our own ways and grow apart, not because I purposely pushed him away when I was hurt. And who knows, maybe we'll get lucky and really will get to be friends for life. I've been thinking about that lately and I've decided that even if we never get back together again it really would be good to have him as a close friend. I'm not saying I'll be able to sit down and have drinks with him and his girlfriend anytime soon (just the thought of that right now is making my skin crawl) but I can envision a day years from now, both of us with other people, getting together for dinner with our families or something. And I think I'd like that. I think just being friends is going to be hard at first, especially for me. But I also think I'd like to make the effort.
Mainly I'm kind of worried about going to Padre in twelve days. It's just coming up so soon, and although I trust myself and my emotions today, there's no way to predict how I'm going to feel when I'm with him so much for six days. Honestly, I'm not even totally sure why I'm still going except that I know if I don't go, it will be worse. If I don't go down there I'll wonder what would have happened if I did. At least this way I can go there and Mike and I will actually get a chance to try out the "We're just friends" thing. After all, there has never been a single time in our lives that we've been together without at least making out at the end of the night, even when we were supposed to be dating other people and moving on from each other. So I want to make sure that we really can be platonic friends. Because if we can't hang out without making out, then there's not a lot of hope for us even maintaining a friendship. (P.S.-I am definitely not going to fool around with him. I firmly believe in karma and I'm not about to fool around with someone who has a girlfriend, even if I believe he's supposed to be with me. Luckily, I figure he's pretty serious about this girl and probably won't even try to touch me, which might bruise my ego a little bit but will definitely be for the best).
So yeah, I'm gonna go to Padre for spring break and we're gonna try being friends. Worst case scenario, if I get down there and am really miserable and just can't handle being around him I'll just get on a bus and come back to Austin. Jenny has that week off so I'll make her come down and hang out with me or something. Best case scenario, it will end up being a fun week of clubbing and sunbathing and I'll learn that Mike and I really can just be friends without it killing me.
Honestly, though, today I'm feeling pretty good. Today I feel like I can fully trust myself not to fly off the handle or suddenly burst into tears. I'm not saying I might not still feel sad or angry sometimes, but at least now I feel like I have control again and am not getting ambushed by random emotions. And I think I'm done feeling sad for portions of every single day. Probably just every two or three days now. Haha. (By the way, I don't understand how really emotional people survive. It's exhausting feeling that much all the time, not to mention scary).
Anyway, I've been so caught up in all this crap that I haven't talked about other things that have happened lately. First of all, I got another $1000 scholarship for summer, so now I have $2000 total for study abroad. That means that half of my trip is being paid for by the university, which is awesome. And since I have already paid off the other half, I'm good to go. At first I was just going to Stratford because I thought it would be a smart move career-wise, but as it gets closer to summer I'm actually starting to get really, really excited about it.
Cohen had a birthday last week; my baby basset is a whole year old now! We had a party for him and Chelsea's dog, Morty, complete with King Kong birthday hats, hamburgers, and special brownies just for dogs. We're the nerdiest people on the planet, but it was fun.
We're also getting an invisible fence put in at Chelsea's house for the dogs. It's one of those things that gives them a little shock if they get too close to it (a very little shock, I know because I tried one of the collars out on my hand). I think Morty is gonna love having a yard to run around in, and since I take Cohen up there pretty much every weekend it will be a lot of fun for him, too.
I've been out a lot in the past few days, too. Much more than usual. Friday night Chelsea, Shane and I went to Hula Hut in Austin and I had a single drink and somehow got buzzed. Ooh, I also got a great t-shirt there, it has a basset hound on the front wearing a Hawaaian shirt and it says, "Dressed to chill". I love it! Saturday night Chelsea and I went out on 6th Street. It was Mardi Gras weekend so it was pretty crazy. We met a group of soccer players visiting from Vanderbilt for a tournament, and they bought us drinks all night long. I enjoy stuff like that because it makes me feel attractive, but I also just hate meeting guys in bars. The vast majority are after nothing but sex. Oh well, you don't barhop to find a good guy, you barhop to get free drinks and have funny stories to retell later. When I eventually find a good guy I'm sure it will be elsewhere. Last night I went out with my friend Mandi for her birthday. I finally got to meet her boyfriend and her family and some of the people she works with. I had a really good time and got a little buzzed 'cause Mandi kept secretly passing me the shots she didn't want when the guys weren't looking.
I was supposed to have class at 9:30 this morning and I was actually going to drag myself out of bed and go even though all I really wanted to do was sleep for four more hours, but then right as I was about to leave the house my friend Paul, who TAs the class, called me and told me that class was cancelled today! Score! I love it when the world decides to conform to my own personal schedule. I'd already planned to skip Playwriting today just for the hell of it (we get three free absences and I haven't used any yet, and on a day like today I really need a nap) so I e-mailed my Playwriting professor the assignment that was due today and decided to give myself the day off. I'm still gonna go to my night class tonight since I have a paper due, but all I've been doing today is watching TV, napping, and walking Cohen outside because it's a beautiful day. The best part is I have the day off tomorrow, too, because it's Wednesday and I have absolutely no homework due on Thursday. This is turning out to be the easiest week ever!
Alright, I'm gonna go lie around some more until it's time to go to class.
I don't know how to explain how I felt before. I felt really...volatile. Like from one second to the next I didn't know if I was going to be happy or hopeful or whether I'd be on the verge of tears and wanting to just get back into bed or whether I'd be fucking pissed. The anger was the worst because before I could really stop myself I'd be saying bratty, stupid things to Mike. And the thing is, I've realized that I do want us to stay friends. I'm not as optimistic as he is about thinking that we can have the same close friendship that we've always had, but I also realize that I don't want him out of my life. If we're going to stop being friends it's going to happen gradually over time as we go our own ways and grow apart, not because I purposely pushed him away when I was hurt. And who knows, maybe we'll get lucky and really will get to be friends for life. I've been thinking about that lately and I've decided that even if we never get back together again it really would be good to have him as a close friend. I'm not saying I'll be able to sit down and have drinks with him and his girlfriend anytime soon (just the thought of that right now is making my skin crawl) but I can envision a day years from now, both of us with other people, getting together for dinner with our families or something. And I think I'd like that. I think just being friends is going to be hard at first, especially for me. But I also think I'd like to make the effort.
Mainly I'm kind of worried about going to Padre in twelve days. It's just coming up so soon, and although I trust myself and my emotions today, there's no way to predict how I'm going to feel when I'm with him so much for six days. Honestly, I'm not even totally sure why I'm still going except that I know if I don't go, it will be worse. If I don't go down there I'll wonder what would have happened if I did. At least this way I can go there and Mike and I will actually get a chance to try out the "We're just friends" thing. After all, there has never been a single time in our lives that we've been together without at least making out at the end of the night, even when we were supposed to be dating other people and moving on from each other. So I want to make sure that we really can be platonic friends. Because if we can't hang out without making out, then there's not a lot of hope for us even maintaining a friendship. (P.S.-I am definitely not going to fool around with him. I firmly believe in karma and I'm not about to fool around with someone who has a girlfriend, even if I believe he's supposed to be with me. Luckily, I figure he's pretty serious about this girl and probably won't even try to touch me, which might bruise my ego a little bit but will definitely be for the best).
So yeah, I'm gonna go to Padre for spring break and we're gonna try being friends. Worst case scenario, if I get down there and am really miserable and just can't handle being around him I'll just get on a bus and come back to Austin. Jenny has that week off so I'll make her come down and hang out with me or something. Best case scenario, it will end up being a fun week of clubbing and sunbathing and I'll learn that Mike and I really can just be friends without it killing me.
Honestly, though, today I'm feeling pretty good. Today I feel like I can fully trust myself not to fly off the handle or suddenly burst into tears. I'm not saying I might not still feel sad or angry sometimes, but at least now I feel like I have control again and am not getting ambushed by random emotions. And I think I'm done feeling sad for portions of every single day. Probably just every two or three days now. Haha. (By the way, I don't understand how really emotional people survive. It's exhausting feeling that much all the time, not to mention scary).
Anyway, I've been so caught up in all this crap that I haven't talked about other things that have happened lately. First of all, I got another $1000 scholarship for summer, so now I have $2000 total for study abroad. That means that half of my trip is being paid for by the university, which is awesome. And since I have already paid off the other half, I'm good to go. At first I was just going to Stratford because I thought it would be a smart move career-wise, but as it gets closer to summer I'm actually starting to get really, really excited about it.
Cohen had a birthday last week; my baby basset is a whole year old now! We had a party for him and Chelsea's dog, Morty, complete with King Kong birthday hats, hamburgers, and special brownies just for dogs. We're the nerdiest people on the planet, but it was fun.
We're also getting an invisible fence put in at Chelsea's house for the dogs. It's one of those things that gives them a little shock if they get too close to it (a very little shock, I know because I tried one of the collars out on my hand). I think Morty is gonna love having a yard to run around in, and since I take Cohen up there pretty much every weekend it will be a lot of fun for him, too.
I've been out a lot in the past few days, too. Much more than usual. Friday night Chelsea, Shane and I went to Hula Hut in Austin and I had a single drink and somehow got buzzed. Ooh, I also got a great t-shirt there, it has a basset hound on the front wearing a Hawaaian shirt and it says, "Dressed to chill". I love it! Saturday night Chelsea and I went out on 6th Street. It was Mardi Gras weekend so it was pretty crazy. We met a group of soccer players visiting from Vanderbilt for a tournament, and they bought us drinks all night long. I enjoy stuff like that because it makes me feel attractive, but I also just hate meeting guys in bars. The vast majority are after nothing but sex. Oh well, you don't barhop to find a good guy, you barhop to get free drinks and have funny stories to retell later. When I eventually find a good guy I'm sure it will be elsewhere. Last night I went out with my friend Mandi for her birthday. I finally got to meet her boyfriend and her family and some of the people she works with. I had a really good time and got a little buzzed 'cause Mandi kept secretly passing me the shots she didn't want when the guys weren't looking.
I was supposed to have class at 9:30 this morning and I was actually going to drag myself out of bed and go even though all I really wanted to do was sleep for four more hours, but then right as I was about to leave the house my friend Paul, who TAs the class, called me and told me that class was cancelled today! Score! I love it when the world decides to conform to my own personal schedule. I'd already planned to skip Playwriting today just for the hell of it (we get three free absences and I haven't used any yet, and on a day like today I really need a nap) so I e-mailed my Playwriting professor the assignment that was due today and decided to give myself the day off. I'm still gonna go to my night class tonight since I have a paper due, but all I've been doing today is watching TV, napping, and walking Cohen outside because it's a beautiful day. The best part is I have the day off tomorrow, too, because it's Wednesday and I have absolutely no homework due on Thursday. This is turning out to be the easiest week ever!
Alright, I'm gonna go lie around some more until it's time to go to class.
Tuesday, February 21, 2006
Starting over
I couldn't stand having that depressing post on top anymore, so I'm making a new one. This one is only mildly depressing.
I'm not really feeling better yet. Or rather, I'm feeling a lot better, but still not good. Over the weekend things got a lot worse before they started getting better. Mike and I had another long talk but just kept going around in circles, and I didn't feel any better when all was said and done. I spent a pathetically large portion of the weekend curled up and crying, or, alternately, screaming "FUCK" and punching my bed as hard as possible.
I've moved beyond the deepest sadness and actually made it through today without crying (well, without crying until just now when I checked stupid Myspace and discovered his profile says "In a Relationship." Once it's on Myspace you know it's real. But only crying once today is a vast improvement). Now more than anything I'm just mad, although I know that will go away in time, too.
Mostly now I'm just wondering about this: Why is it that whenever guys leave me, I always get this speech: "You're my best friend, you're my logic, you know me better than any girl in the world, I love you so much, I never want to lose you, but I can't be with you right now because (fill in the blank with: you're too far away/I'm not good enough for you/whatever)". That's all nice, and probably all true, but that doesn't make it any easier. If anything, it makes it harder because I can't understand how a guy can give me up when he claims to love me and need me so much. I could never willingly give up someone I loved and respected half as much as these guys claim to love me. It's just crazy to me that this is the second time in a year that I've gotten more or less the same speech from different people. Only in the situation last spring I didn't really believe it. But in this current case I do.
That's what is so frustrating and sad about it.
What's good about it is this: if I can love Mike this much, and he can love me as much as he has, and it turns out he's not even the one for me, imagine how much love and respect there will be between me and the guy that ultimately ends up being the perfect match for me. Because I can't imagine loving anyone more than I love Mike, fitting with anyone better than I fit with him, but clearly he has found a better option than me. If he has found that, then obviously I can, too. And imagine how much love there will be when I find that. It will be unbelievable.
So that's what I'm doing now, I guess. I'm completely single and searching (but not too hard, 'cause we all know you don't find these relationships, they find you). I'm opened to any new possibilities. I hope that one of these days I'll find the one person that will love me so much that from the moment we find each other neither one of us will want to do anything to risk losing the other.
I'm trying to convince myself that until I find that person, good things will happen. I am starting a career that could be really successful if I put my mind to it and don't get distracted by idiot guys. I have good friends, and a wonderful family that can keep me entertained. I can work on staying healthy and getting into even better shape. If I'm not tied down in a relationship it opens up a lot more opportunities for things like travelling and potential career moves. I guess for a while longer I'll just keep being selfish, worrying about me and only me.
It just sucks that to get to all those new potential opportunities I have to go through so much pain first.
Here's the other thing that I'm grappling with: Mike doesn't want me to stop talking to him. He (stupidly) believes that our relationship will be exactly the same as it has always been, just minus sex. What he is forgetting is that once you're in a strong, stable relationship, you give all of your best to that person. For the next few weeks, sure, Mike and I will continue chatting every day like the best friends we are. But he'll get more into his relationship, and soon all the things he would have told me he'll be telling her. And that's only fair, that's how it should be. I'd never want to be in a relationship with a guy knowing that he was sharing all of the emotional stuff he shares with me with another girl. So eventually we'll talk less and less, and I'll get less and less of him as she gets more and more. She'll get all the best of him, and I'll be left with the casual acquaintance friendship. We'll talk once a week, maybe. There's just no way you can possibly be best friends with two people at once, and if your relationship is good your best friend should be the person you're in the relationship with. That's just how it is.
For Mike, it's win-win situation. He gets a girlfriend, and then he gets all the friendship he wants from me. Meanwhile, it's a lose-lose situation for me, because currently I'm in a relationship with no one, and I don't get everything I want from Mike. I don't even get half of what I'd truly like from him.
And then there's the added factor that even if this relationship he's in doesn't work out, it's not like he and I can just pick up right where we left off. I've already been hurt. In the ending of their relationship, more people will be hurt. Now, in order for Mike and I to ever be together again, people are going to have to get hurt.
In short, the odds of us being together again are, in my mind, slim. Unless this new relationship of his ends abrubtly like, tomorrow, the chances of he and I getting together again are very small. The odds of us maintaining the awesome friendship we had as a couple and then all along as we've been more or less single are also slim.
He thinks I'm being melodramatic and thinking too big, and maybe I am. But I understand the fundamental truth that what we had has been completely lost and we can't be together again without a lot of baggage. Could we get beyond that? Yes, if it turns out we were really meant to be.
But all of this has me facing the stark realization that no, we're probably not meant to be.
So yeah, I'm starting all the way over. What I'm trying to decide now is whether or not that should involve not talking to Mike anymore. First I wanted to stop talking to him for petty reasons: why should I give him what he wants when he has hurt me so badly? He shouldn't have the satisfaction of being able to have a girlfriend and also talk to me every day just like old times. Now, I'm just wondering if we should stop talking for practical reasons. How am I supposed to get over him and really move on if we're still talking every day and if somewhere, deep down, I still have hope for all of this? The thing is, the question is not that easy, because part of me thinks it would be stupid to give up the entire friendship. Is the friendship worth keeping, for nostalgia's sake if nothing else? After all, he has been one of my best friends for over five years now, I'd hate to throw all of that away just because I'm angry. But like I said, do you think I'll be able to really get over him if we're still talking all the time?
So I don't know about that. I'm soliciting opinions, if you want to give them. Just please don't call me on the phone to talk about it. I love my friends who are reading this and I appreciate everyone who has been trying to make me feel better, but I just hate talking about this stuff in real life and real time. Right now all I know is that I'm going to attempt this "we're just best friends" stuff for the next month or so, and then I'll reasses the situation. That seems logical, I guess.
Tomorrow is day one of single me. If I were me in guy form, I'd start dating me right away. After all, who doesn't want a girl who is smart, sane and reasonable*, pretty, good in bed, who cooks (okay, still working on that one, but more or less), doesn't expect (or WANT) to be spoiled, and who has a great sense of humor, a love of adventure and a very high tolerance for hours of videogame playing? I'll even let you flirt with other girls at the bar as long as there's no doubt in my mind that you're going home with me.
*Please don't take the last few days as signs of my sanity. Nobody's sanity should be judged just after they have been hurt. I'm pretty raw right now. Give me a couple of days and I'll be back to my calm, cool, rational self. I am a rock. I am an island, etc.
I'm not really feeling better yet. Or rather, I'm feeling a lot better, but still not good. Over the weekend things got a lot worse before they started getting better. Mike and I had another long talk but just kept going around in circles, and I didn't feel any better when all was said and done. I spent a pathetically large portion of the weekend curled up and crying, or, alternately, screaming "FUCK" and punching my bed as hard as possible.
I've moved beyond the deepest sadness and actually made it through today without crying (well, without crying until just now when I checked stupid Myspace and discovered his profile says "In a Relationship." Once it's on Myspace you know it's real. But only crying once today is a vast improvement). Now more than anything I'm just mad, although I know that will go away in time, too.
Mostly now I'm just wondering about this: Why is it that whenever guys leave me, I always get this speech: "You're my best friend, you're my logic, you know me better than any girl in the world, I love you so much, I never want to lose you, but I can't be with you right now because (fill in the blank with: you're too far away/I'm not good enough for you/whatever)". That's all nice, and probably all true, but that doesn't make it any easier. If anything, it makes it harder because I can't understand how a guy can give me up when he claims to love me and need me so much. I could never willingly give up someone I loved and respected half as much as these guys claim to love me. It's just crazy to me that this is the second time in a year that I've gotten more or less the same speech from different people. Only in the situation last spring I didn't really believe it. But in this current case I do.
That's what is so frustrating and sad about it.
What's good about it is this: if I can love Mike this much, and he can love me as much as he has, and it turns out he's not even the one for me, imagine how much love and respect there will be between me and the guy that ultimately ends up being the perfect match for me. Because I can't imagine loving anyone more than I love Mike, fitting with anyone better than I fit with him, but clearly he has found a better option than me. If he has found that, then obviously I can, too. And imagine how much love there will be when I find that. It will be unbelievable.
So that's what I'm doing now, I guess. I'm completely single and searching (but not too hard, 'cause we all know you don't find these relationships, they find you). I'm opened to any new possibilities. I hope that one of these days I'll find the one person that will love me so much that from the moment we find each other neither one of us will want to do anything to risk losing the other.
I'm trying to convince myself that until I find that person, good things will happen. I am starting a career that could be really successful if I put my mind to it and don't get distracted by idiot guys. I have good friends, and a wonderful family that can keep me entertained. I can work on staying healthy and getting into even better shape. If I'm not tied down in a relationship it opens up a lot more opportunities for things like travelling and potential career moves. I guess for a while longer I'll just keep being selfish, worrying about me and only me.
It just sucks that to get to all those new potential opportunities I have to go through so much pain first.
Here's the other thing that I'm grappling with: Mike doesn't want me to stop talking to him. He (stupidly) believes that our relationship will be exactly the same as it has always been, just minus sex. What he is forgetting is that once you're in a strong, stable relationship, you give all of your best to that person. For the next few weeks, sure, Mike and I will continue chatting every day like the best friends we are. But he'll get more into his relationship, and soon all the things he would have told me he'll be telling her. And that's only fair, that's how it should be. I'd never want to be in a relationship with a guy knowing that he was sharing all of the emotional stuff he shares with me with another girl. So eventually we'll talk less and less, and I'll get less and less of him as she gets more and more. She'll get all the best of him, and I'll be left with the casual acquaintance friendship. We'll talk once a week, maybe. There's just no way you can possibly be best friends with two people at once, and if your relationship is good your best friend should be the person you're in the relationship with. That's just how it is.
For Mike, it's win-win situation. He gets a girlfriend, and then he gets all the friendship he wants from me. Meanwhile, it's a lose-lose situation for me, because currently I'm in a relationship with no one, and I don't get everything I want from Mike. I don't even get half of what I'd truly like from him.
And then there's the added factor that even if this relationship he's in doesn't work out, it's not like he and I can just pick up right where we left off. I've already been hurt. In the ending of their relationship, more people will be hurt. Now, in order for Mike and I to ever be together again, people are going to have to get hurt.
In short, the odds of us being together again are, in my mind, slim. Unless this new relationship of his ends abrubtly like, tomorrow, the chances of he and I getting together again are very small. The odds of us maintaining the awesome friendship we had as a couple and then all along as we've been more or less single are also slim.
He thinks I'm being melodramatic and thinking too big, and maybe I am. But I understand the fundamental truth that what we had has been completely lost and we can't be together again without a lot of baggage. Could we get beyond that? Yes, if it turns out we were really meant to be.
But all of this has me facing the stark realization that no, we're probably not meant to be.
So yeah, I'm starting all the way over. What I'm trying to decide now is whether or not that should involve not talking to Mike anymore. First I wanted to stop talking to him for petty reasons: why should I give him what he wants when he has hurt me so badly? He shouldn't have the satisfaction of being able to have a girlfriend and also talk to me every day just like old times. Now, I'm just wondering if we should stop talking for practical reasons. How am I supposed to get over him and really move on if we're still talking every day and if somewhere, deep down, I still have hope for all of this? The thing is, the question is not that easy, because part of me thinks it would be stupid to give up the entire friendship. Is the friendship worth keeping, for nostalgia's sake if nothing else? After all, he has been one of my best friends for over five years now, I'd hate to throw all of that away just because I'm angry. But like I said, do you think I'll be able to really get over him if we're still talking all the time?
So I don't know about that. I'm soliciting opinions, if you want to give them. Just please don't call me on the phone to talk about it. I love my friends who are reading this and I appreciate everyone who has been trying to make me feel better, but I just hate talking about this stuff in real life and real time. Right now all I know is that I'm going to attempt this "we're just best friends" stuff for the next month or so, and then I'll reasses the situation. That seems logical, I guess.
Tomorrow is day one of single me. If I were me in guy form, I'd start dating me right away. After all, who doesn't want a girl who is smart, sane and reasonable*, pretty, good in bed, who cooks (okay, still working on that one, but more or less), doesn't expect (or WANT) to be spoiled, and who has a great sense of humor, a love of adventure and a very high tolerance for hours of videogame playing? I'll even let you flirt with other girls at the bar as long as there's no doubt in my mind that you're going home with me.
*Please don't take the last few days as signs of my sanity. Nobody's sanity should be judged just after they have been hurt. I'm pretty raw right now. Give me a couple of days and I'll be back to my calm, cool, rational self. I am a rock. I am an island, etc.
Saturday, February 18, 2006
Goddamn, I hate when I'm right
So after all my rambling in my last post and trying to convince myself not to worry, what do I find out today?
That Mike went out on another date with the Valentine's Day Girl on Thursday night. He's been sort of distant all week, and now I know why. And the only reason he even told me about it in the first place was because I was nice enough to mention to him that I might go out with a guy tonight. I just wanted to tell him that I was going to go but not to worry about it, 'cause I didn't want it to come out later and have him be upset about it. Well, come to find out he couldn't care less what I'm up to tonight. Because he has a new girl. I asked him if they're going to start dating and he said "I don't know."
God, I hate this. I'm so sad now, and the worst part about it is that I know I'm sad over nothing. Well, sad over EVERYTHING, but it's nothing either of us can control. We talked on the phone for a long time this afternoon, and I told him that I wish he could do something to make me feel better, but he can't. It's all internal stuff due to my personality that's making me so sad. I like things very definite and organized and neat and planned, and I can't have any of that in a relationship situation and it drives me crazy.
He has every right to see other girls, just like I have every right to see other guys. I would like that to change, but I know that a long distance committed relationship sucks just as much as we're doing right now, plus he wouldn't be a willing participant in a commitment right now so there's no point. The only way I could get him to do it would be by giving him an ultimatum, and even then he probably wouldn't do it. If we do eventually have a committed relationship I want it to be both of our decisions, not me forcing him into it. And we talked about all of this, how if it's meant to be it's going to happen, how he's not actively seeking out other girls but he's not going to stop pursuing his options there if they come to him, that he'd like to be with me but it's just too hard right now. I told him how hard it is for me because I'm pretty sure that I just want to be with him and I know that he's not completely sure that he wants to be with me (Hence the fact that he still feels the need to date other people and honestly, I don't. The only reason I want someone to date right now is because hell, if he's gonna look for other options I might as well do it, too). It's just so hard. He pointed out that so much could happen in a year and we just have to take it day by day, and I know that, I just don't like it. I feel like it's such an unfair situation. I know that Mike and I are great together, but how am I supposed to compete with someone in El Paso? When he has a girl right there to see every day, have lunch with, run errands with, drink with on the weekends, sleep with every night, what the hell do I have to offer him when I'm nothing but some typed words and a voice on the phone once in a while? I don't even have a fair chance to fight for this guy that I love, and I HATE THAT.
And I know, I know. I know that it's possible he may not be the right guy for me at all. I know there's every possibility that if we do ever end up in the same city again with the opportunity to have a real relationship, it might last only two months before we realize it's all wrong and we're ready to kill each other. We haven't been together in the same place for longer than three months at a time since we were in high school. I realize that we have no idea how we'd really react to each other in a long-term situation in which we see each other every day while doing day-to-day things like holding down jobs and paying bills and dealing with the stress of everyday life. Maybe if we did ever live together his habits that I find endearing now would make me insane. Maybe Mike and I are not really supposed to ever be together at all and there's an amazing guy out there in this world that will somehow make me feel just the way Mike makes me feel, only even better. Or maybe my fate is to be alone and be a strong woman with a brilliant career who finds satisfaction in a solitary life. I don't know, I have no fucking clue and that's partially what makes this all so hard. But the thing is, I feel like if Mike and I don't get to ever at least try it, I'm going to always spend my life wondering, "What if..." It would be a major, major regret. So far I've managed to live a life free from major regrets, and I don't intend to start having regrets now. And if he falls for someone in El Paso, he and I are never going to get to try this at all.
Ugh. I guess that's what I get for trying to tell myself to be optimistic. From now on I'm going back to expecting the worst.
The one good thing about all this is that when I get sad I have a hard time eating. I only ate one meal today, 'cause my stomach is all knotted up. So if this continues I'll get all svelte, just in time for Padre...except that oh wait, if this continues I won't be going to Padre after all. Why does it always have to be complicated? Sigh.
To change the subject now, since I'm just making myself more sad:
Pop culture is very weird. I love how so many times I've never heard of something at all and then suddenly one day it's the only thing I hear about. That happened last week with this music artit, Sufjan Stevens. He's an indie rock guy. Last week I heard a song on The O.C. that I loved. I remembered about it Thursday night so I went on a mission to find out who sings it. Turns out the song has the longest title ever (For the Widows in Paradise, for the Fatherless in Ypsilante) and is sung by this Sufjan Stevens guy. So I did some more research looking for a place to download the song, only to find out that he sings this other song, Chicago, that I heard on NPR one morning last week on my way to class and really liked. How weird to find out that he sang both of the new songs I've liked within the past week. Even weirder that the same artist was being played on both The O.C. and NPR. Even WEIRDER that I regularly watch The O.C. and listen to NPR. I'm neither fifteen nor sixty-five, but you'd never know it from my entertainment choices.
Another thing: Do you ever have a sex dream about some random person and then see them the next day and feel really awkward and embarrassed even though there's no possible way the person could know about your dream? That happened to me after I finally went to sleep on Thursday night. I had this really strange game about this guy Z. (I won't put his full name since it's not his fault I'm having weird sex dreams about him). I've only really hung out with Z. once in my life, and he was really nice and funny but I wasn't at all attracted to him. He's really short, and he's made like a film actor, meaning he has a head that is way too large for his body. He has an attractive face and very pretty eyes, but he's a bit too bobble-head for my tastes. Plus he has a girlfriend that I like a whole lot, so even if I were attracted to him I would have tried to crush it immediately since they're obviously happy together. Despite the fact that I'm not attracted to him at all in my waking life, in my dream we definitely had sex. Funnily enough, I don't really remember much about the actual sex part of the dream. Mainly I remember the part where we were undressing each other, and the part afterwards when we were cuddling in bed and he was telling me how I should hang out with him and his girlfriend more often and I was thinking, "Dude, are you serious? Do you know how awkward that would be now?"
So anyway, I had that dream and then the next night I was working box office and he was there to usher, since he works for me this semester. He hung out around the box office before many people showed up, and me and the other girls selling tickets were chatting with him, and the whole time in my head I was thinking to myself, "Why were you naked in my dream last night?!" and blushing internally thinking about the whole thing.
AND THEN, ha, it was freezing yesterday, and for some reason Z. had been wearing a ski bib in class all day to keep warm (don't ak me why, he's just sort of quirky like that). He'd put on a nice outfit to usher, but then once the show had started and the audience was all closed away in the show upstairs and the rest of us workers were getting ready to go home for the night, he came into the box office and told me and the house manager, "I'm gonna change back here, are you girls okay with that?" We both said we were fine with that, but the whole time I couldn't believe that the guy I'd had a random sex dream about was randomly stripping down and changing from a suit into a ski bib two feet away from me. Apparently I can will guys into nakedness. Who knew?
Anyway, it's almost 11 and I haven't heard from my friends, so I guess the ice must have kept them from coming down after all. Oh well, I wouldn't have been much fun tonight anyway. I'm gonna curl up in a sad little ball and drink some hot chocolate. Maybe tomorrow will be better.
That Mike went out on another date with the Valentine's Day Girl on Thursday night. He's been sort of distant all week, and now I know why. And the only reason he even told me about it in the first place was because I was nice enough to mention to him that I might go out with a guy tonight. I just wanted to tell him that I was going to go but not to worry about it, 'cause I didn't want it to come out later and have him be upset about it. Well, come to find out he couldn't care less what I'm up to tonight. Because he has a new girl. I asked him if they're going to start dating and he said "I don't know."
God, I hate this. I'm so sad now, and the worst part about it is that I know I'm sad over nothing. Well, sad over EVERYTHING, but it's nothing either of us can control. We talked on the phone for a long time this afternoon, and I told him that I wish he could do something to make me feel better, but he can't. It's all internal stuff due to my personality that's making me so sad. I like things very definite and organized and neat and planned, and I can't have any of that in a relationship situation and it drives me crazy.
He has every right to see other girls, just like I have every right to see other guys. I would like that to change, but I know that a long distance committed relationship sucks just as much as we're doing right now, plus he wouldn't be a willing participant in a commitment right now so there's no point. The only way I could get him to do it would be by giving him an ultimatum, and even then he probably wouldn't do it. If we do eventually have a committed relationship I want it to be both of our decisions, not me forcing him into it. And we talked about all of this, how if it's meant to be it's going to happen, how he's not actively seeking out other girls but he's not going to stop pursuing his options there if they come to him, that he'd like to be with me but it's just too hard right now. I told him how hard it is for me because I'm pretty sure that I just want to be with him and I know that he's not completely sure that he wants to be with me (Hence the fact that he still feels the need to date other people and honestly, I don't. The only reason I want someone to date right now is because hell, if he's gonna look for other options I might as well do it, too). It's just so hard. He pointed out that so much could happen in a year and we just have to take it day by day, and I know that, I just don't like it. I feel like it's such an unfair situation. I know that Mike and I are great together, but how am I supposed to compete with someone in El Paso? When he has a girl right there to see every day, have lunch with, run errands with, drink with on the weekends, sleep with every night, what the hell do I have to offer him when I'm nothing but some typed words and a voice on the phone once in a while? I don't even have a fair chance to fight for this guy that I love, and I HATE THAT.
And I know, I know. I know that it's possible he may not be the right guy for me at all. I know there's every possibility that if we do ever end up in the same city again with the opportunity to have a real relationship, it might last only two months before we realize it's all wrong and we're ready to kill each other. We haven't been together in the same place for longer than three months at a time since we were in high school. I realize that we have no idea how we'd really react to each other in a long-term situation in which we see each other every day while doing day-to-day things like holding down jobs and paying bills and dealing with the stress of everyday life. Maybe if we did ever live together his habits that I find endearing now would make me insane. Maybe Mike and I are not really supposed to ever be together at all and there's an amazing guy out there in this world that will somehow make me feel just the way Mike makes me feel, only even better. Or maybe my fate is to be alone and be a strong woman with a brilliant career who finds satisfaction in a solitary life. I don't know, I have no fucking clue and that's partially what makes this all so hard. But the thing is, I feel like if Mike and I don't get to ever at least try it, I'm going to always spend my life wondering, "What if..." It would be a major, major regret. So far I've managed to live a life free from major regrets, and I don't intend to start having regrets now. And if he falls for someone in El Paso, he and I are never going to get to try this at all.
Ugh. I guess that's what I get for trying to tell myself to be optimistic. From now on I'm going back to expecting the worst.
The one good thing about all this is that when I get sad I have a hard time eating. I only ate one meal today, 'cause my stomach is all knotted up. So if this continues I'll get all svelte, just in time for Padre...except that oh wait, if this continues I won't be going to Padre after all. Why does it always have to be complicated? Sigh.
To change the subject now, since I'm just making myself more sad:
Pop culture is very weird. I love how so many times I've never heard of something at all and then suddenly one day it's the only thing I hear about. That happened last week with this music artit, Sufjan Stevens. He's an indie rock guy. Last week I heard a song on The O.C. that I loved. I remembered about it Thursday night so I went on a mission to find out who sings it. Turns out the song has the longest title ever (For the Widows in Paradise, for the Fatherless in Ypsilante) and is sung by this Sufjan Stevens guy. So I did some more research looking for a place to download the song, only to find out that he sings this other song, Chicago, that I heard on NPR one morning last week on my way to class and really liked. How weird to find out that he sang both of the new songs I've liked within the past week. Even weirder that the same artist was being played on both The O.C. and NPR. Even WEIRDER that I regularly watch The O.C. and listen to NPR. I'm neither fifteen nor sixty-five, but you'd never know it from my entertainment choices.
Another thing: Do you ever have a sex dream about some random person and then see them the next day and feel really awkward and embarrassed even though there's no possible way the person could know about your dream? That happened to me after I finally went to sleep on Thursday night. I had this really strange game about this guy Z. (I won't put his full name since it's not his fault I'm having weird sex dreams about him). I've only really hung out with Z. once in my life, and he was really nice and funny but I wasn't at all attracted to him. He's really short, and he's made like a film actor, meaning he has a head that is way too large for his body. He has an attractive face and very pretty eyes, but he's a bit too bobble-head for my tastes. Plus he has a girlfriend that I like a whole lot, so even if I were attracted to him I would have tried to crush it immediately since they're obviously happy together. Despite the fact that I'm not attracted to him at all in my waking life, in my dream we definitely had sex. Funnily enough, I don't really remember much about the actual sex part of the dream. Mainly I remember the part where we were undressing each other, and the part afterwards when we were cuddling in bed and he was telling me how I should hang out with him and his girlfriend more often and I was thinking, "Dude, are you serious? Do you know how awkward that would be now?"
So anyway, I had that dream and then the next night I was working box office and he was there to usher, since he works for me this semester. He hung out around the box office before many people showed up, and me and the other girls selling tickets were chatting with him, and the whole time in my head I was thinking to myself, "Why were you naked in my dream last night?!" and blushing internally thinking about the whole thing.
AND THEN, ha, it was freezing yesterday, and for some reason Z. had been wearing a ski bib in class all day to keep warm (don't ak me why, he's just sort of quirky like that). He'd put on a nice outfit to usher, but then once the show had started and the audience was all closed away in the show upstairs and the rest of us workers were getting ready to go home for the night, he came into the box office and told me and the house manager, "I'm gonna change back here, are you girls okay with that?" We both said we were fine with that, but the whole time I couldn't believe that the guy I'd had a random sex dream about was randomly stripping down and changing from a suit into a ski bib two feet away from me. Apparently I can will guys into nakedness. Who knew?
Anyway, it's almost 11 and I haven't heard from my friends, so I guess the ice must have kept them from coming down after all. Oh well, I wouldn't have been much fun tonight anyway. I'm gonna curl up in a sad little ball and drink some hot chocolate. Maybe tomorrow will be better.
Thursday, February 16, 2006
I say "frustrating" a million times in this post
I should be in a good mood right now. It's the weekend. I kicked ass on my second dramaturgy project tonight, and got a ton of compliments on my work, which makes it totally worth it that I had to stay up until 5 a.m. last night to finish it (I did in fact skip Directing this morning so that I could sleep until 1:00 this afternoon, so actually having to stay up most of the night wasn't that big a deal). I don't have too much work due for next week so I actually get to relax this weekend. All in all I had a really good day.
So why do I feel so discontent right now?
My suspicion is that it has to do with Mike, which annoys me because I hate any time I start to get remotely worked up about guy stuff. It's just that most of the time this partial relationship is okay with me, but other times for no reason at all it starts to frustrate me. We had a talk recently that reassured me. It made me realize that I'm not making crazy assumptions and projecting the way I feel onto him, and it made me realize that we're on the same page about where this thing we're doing has the potential to go. But that reassurance lasted all of a couple of days before I started worrying a little bit again.
I feel terrible because I always assume the worst of him. Every time he goes out with a girl who is a friend I can't help feeling like maybe he's suddenly going to realize he likes her more than just a friend. On Valentine's Day he went on a double date as a favor for a friend, and when he didn't get home until 5 a.m. my time I assumed that meant they probably really hit it off with the girl and the reason he got home so late was because they were at least making out, if not more. Right now he has an away message up that says something about loving bitches, and I'm sure it's just his usual meaningless nonsense but I can't get rid of the nagging feeling at the back of my mind wondering what he's up to tonight and which bitches it is that he loves so much. Every time I mention my worries (and I try not to bother him about it too much) he reassures me that I have no reason to be sad or worried and that he's not even seeing anyone else right now, and I believe him every time but it does take some convincing. And he doesn't deserve that. He's a good guy, he doesn't deserve my constant suspicion.
And I hate myself when I get like this. I hate the pointless jealousy, because deep down inside I know there's nothing I can do about it. If he's gonna fall for someone else it's going to happen and nothing I can do can change that. The worst part is, I know it makes him feel bad when I imply that I don't trust him, and I hate making him feel like I think he's a slut.
But at the same time, as long as we're in this partial relationship, I'm going to assume the worst. As long as he's still allowed to date/make out with/sleep with other people, I'm going to assume he will.
I think if we were in a committed relationship it would be different. I DO trust him, and I know that if we were actually dating then he'd break up with me before he'd cheat on me. That's just the sort of guy he is. But in this case, he has no reason to be faithful to me, he has no reason to stop looking for someone better than me, and I am so scared to let myself fall completely for him again. I want to, I want to so badly, but I'm afraid that the second I let my guard down and actually let myself believe that maybe he's not looking for a better girl every night, that's the night he's gonna call me while my guard is down and tell me, "I'm so sorry, but I can't do this with you anymore, I've found someone perfect for me and it isn't you after all."
And it's such a double-edged sword, because for my own personal reasons I'm scared to let down my guard. I need this jealousy and suspicion as a defense mechanism right now. At the same time, I'm sure it's a total turn-off to him and every time I question his relationship with somebody else I'm doing nothing but upsetting him and making him think that I'm a crazy girl and I'm really not. I need to stop acting like this, but sometimes it's just really hard to control.
The other really frustrating thing about it is that I feel like he is surrounded by eligible girls all the time. I may not think they're the most interesting, funny, cute people in the world, but I know that HE does (well, maybe he doesn't think they're the best in the world, but he likes them enough to flirt with them, at least). I think that if I had some prospects here it would be different. Not that I even have desire to pursue other guys right now, 'cause I really don't. Not seriously. But it's frustrating to me that I couldn't even if I wanted to. Every guy I know here is either a) too young, b) gay, or c) married. Ah, the frustrations of being a single, young woman in a theatre graduate program. I'd like to at least have some guys to flirt with, like he has girls to flirt with. That would make me feel more confident I think, because as it stands right now Mike spends his weekends out with his guy friends and a bunch of single girls, and I spend my weekends with girlfriends or playing hag to Matthew. Not that I don't love hanging out with Matthew, but there's just not much action for me on 4th Street, ya know? As a result, I end up feeling that I'm at a disadvantage. It's especially frustrating because as an undergrad I constantly had guys to flirt with. It's going to sound conceited, but I used to be able to walk into a bar/party and not just have one guy to flirt with, I actually had options. Lots of options, of people I enjoyed flirting with who seemed to enjoy flirting back. And I miss that innocent flirting.
These days, I honestly feel ready to put non-innocent flirting behind me (I will never give up innocent flirting and I'd never expect a guy in a relationship with me to give it up, either. Flirting is one of the fun parts of life). However, it wasn't my intention to be totally committed to Mike at this point because I know it's too early to expect him to be totally committed to me. But I'm committed to him by default at this point because there's nobody else to give him a run for his money here, and that's frustrating because I feel like there are dozens of girls in El Paso trying to win him over.
I realize that he's an attractive guy, and that he's flirtatious by nature. I know that's never going to change, and honestly, I'm okay with that. I like to think of myself as attractive and somewhat flirtatious myself. But flirtation is a whole lot easier to deal with when there's a commitment and I know it's not going to go anywhere beyond innocent flirting. It's also a whole lot easier when I have people to flirt with, too, damn it! I either want both of us flirting with other people or neither of us doing it. The imbalance is what's frustrating me more than anything.
Oh well, right now I just need to chill the fuck out, and I know that. This whole thing is just about relaxing and waiting to see what happens. Whatever will be, will be. I know that. It's just hard to convince myself sometimes that it's all going to be okay no matter what happens.
So why do I feel so discontent right now?
My suspicion is that it has to do with Mike, which annoys me because I hate any time I start to get remotely worked up about guy stuff. It's just that most of the time this partial relationship is okay with me, but other times for no reason at all it starts to frustrate me. We had a talk recently that reassured me. It made me realize that I'm not making crazy assumptions and projecting the way I feel onto him, and it made me realize that we're on the same page about where this thing we're doing has the potential to go. But that reassurance lasted all of a couple of days before I started worrying a little bit again.
I feel terrible because I always assume the worst of him. Every time he goes out with a girl who is a friend I can't help feeling like maybe he's suddenly going to realize he likes her more than just a friend. On Valentine's Day he went on a double date as a favor for a friend, and when he didn't get home until 5 a.m. my time I assumed that meant they probably really hit it off with the girl and the reason he got home so late was because they were at least making out, if not more. Right now he has an away message up that says something about loving bitches, and I'm sure it's just his usual meaningless nonsense but I can't get rid of the nagging feeling at the back of my mind wondering what he's up to tonight and which bitches it is that he loves so much. Every time I mention my worries (and I try not to bother him about it too much) he reassures me that I have no reason to be sad or worried and that he's not even seeing anyone else right now, and I believe him every time but it does take some convincing. And he doesn't deserve that. He's a good guy, he doesn't deserve my constant suspicion.
And I hate myself when I get like this. I hate the pointless jealousy, because deep down inside I know there's nothing I can do about it. If he's gonna fall for someone else it's going to happen and nothing I can do can change that. The worst part is, I know it makes him feel bad when I imply that I don't trust him, and I hate making him feel like I think he's a slut.
But at the same time, as long as we're in this partial relationship, I'm going to assume the worst. As long as he's still allowed to date/make out with/sleep with other people, I'm going to assume he will.
I think if we were in a committed relationship it would be different. I DO trust him, and I know that if we were actually dating then he'd break up with me before he'd cheat on me. That's just the sort of guy he is. But in this case, he has no reason to be faithful to me, he has no reason to stop looking for someone better than me, and I am so scared to let myself fall completely for him again. I want to, I want to so badly, but I'm afraid that the second I let my guard down and actually let myself believe that maybe he's not looking for a better girl every night, that's the night he's gonna call me while my guard is down and tell me, "I'm so sorry, but I can't do this with you anymore, I've found someone perfect for me and it isn't you after all."
And it's such a double-edged sword, because for my own personal reasons I'm scared to let down my guard. I need this jealousy and suspicion as a defense mechanism right now. At the same time, I'm sure it's a total turn-off to him and every time I question his relationship with somebody else I'm doing nothing but upsetting him and making him think that I'm a crazy girl and I'm really not. I need to stop acting like this, but sometimes it's just really hard to control.
The other really frustrating thing about it is that I feel like he is surrounded by eligible girls all the time. I may not think they're the most interesting, funny, cute people in the world, but I know that HE does (well, maybe he doesn't think they're the best in the world, but he likes them enough to flirt with them, at least). I think that if I had some prospects here it would be different. Not that I even have desire to pursue other guys right now, 'cause I really don't. Not seriously. But it's frustrating to me that I couldn't even if I wanted to. Every guy I know here is either a) too young, b) gay, or c) married. Ah, the frustrations of being a single, young woman in a theatre graduate program. I'd like to at least have some guys to flirt with, like he has girls to flirt with. That would make me feel more confident I think, because as it stands right now Mike spends his weekends out with his guy friends and a bunch of single girls, and I spend my weekends with girlfriends or playing hag to Matthew. Not that I don't love hanging out with Matthew, but there's just not much action for me on 4th Street, ya know? As a result, I end up feeling that I'm at a disadvantage. It's especially frustrating because as an undergrad I constantly had guys to flirt with. It's going to sound conceited, but I used to be able to walk into a bar/party and not just have one guy to flirt with, I actually had options. Lots of options, of people I enjoyed flirting with who seemed to enjoy flirting back. And I miss that innocent flirting.
These days, I honestly feel ready to put non-innocent flirting behind me (I will never give up innocent flirting and I'd never expect a guy in a relationship with me to give it up, either. Flirting is one of the fun parts of life). However, it wasn't my intention to be totally committed to Mike at this point because I know it's too early to expect him to be totally committed to me. But I'm committed to him by default at this point because there's nobody else to give him a run for his money here, and that's frustrating because I feel like there are dozens of girls in El Paso trying to win him over.
I realize that he's an attractive guy, and that he's flirtatious by nature. I know that's never going to change, and honestly, I'm okay with that. I like to think of myself as attractive and somewhat flirtatious myself. But flirtation is a whole lot easier to deal with when there's a commitment and I know it's not going to go anywhere beyond innocent flirting. It's also a whole lot easier when I have people to flirt with, too, damn it! I either want both of us flirting with other people or neither of us doing it. The imbalance is what's frustrating me more than anything.
Oh well, right now I just need to chill the fuck out, and I know that. This whole thing is just about relaxing and waiting to see what happens. Whatever will be, will be. I know that. It's just hard to convince myself sometimes that it's all going to be okay no matter what happens.
Tuesday, February 14, 2006
Horrible Day!
So today is Valentine's Day. Mike started referring to it as "Horrible Day" years ago when we were first dating, and we still call it that. Actually, he called it "Terrible Day" the other day but I had to correct him, 'cause it's all about the alliteration.
My Horrible Day was by no means horrible. It was mostly uneventful.
The best part about it was that Mike was my "anti-Valentine", and he sent me boat shoes for Valentine's Day!
http://www.sperrytopsider.com/shopping/product/detailmain.jsp?itemID=905&itemType=PRODUCT&RS=1&keyword=
It's those ones, to be exact. Seafoam blue boat shoes! I think he mostly bought them kind of as a joke since he's really obsessed with boat shoes right now, but they're surprisingly cute and really comfortable. I was all preppy today in my khaki skirt and my boat shoes. I dig them.
Otherwise I did nothing for Valentine's Day. I had a really long day of school and then work, and by the time I got home this evening I didn't want to do anything other than eat Jack in the Box and chill.
Unfortunately, I have a hell of a lot of stuff to do between now and Thursday and I'm actually kind of stressed right now, so I couldn't really relax like I wanted to. I have an imaging project due in my night class on Thursday and it's not hard to do but it's very time consuming. I'm sure I'll be working on it all day tomorrow and probably right up until class time on Thursday. I've already decided I'll skip my morning class Thursday to continue working if I have to, since there's no time like the present to start the downward spiral of skipping one class to prepare for another!
So I used my time productively tonight and watched Garden State so that I could write my analysis about it for Playwriting (it's times like that when I realize I can't bitch all that much about studying theatre, as sometimes my homework is quite literally watching movies). That's one project for Thursday done, anyway. I forgot that Garden State always makes me cry, though, and now I'm sort of regretting that I watched it. I love that movie so much, but I cry every. single. time. I keep waiting for the time I can finally watch it without crying at the end, but even if I'm not that emotionally invested in it I still end up tearing up at the end. It's that part where he tells her to look at him but she won't because she's crying and he's like, "Look at me. I've only known you for four days and you've changed my life." Gah. And then he comes back to her at the end and he's all emotionally screwed up but they're gonna find some way to work it out because they know they belong together...damn.
Anyway, I should probably go to bed so I can get stuff done tomorrow. I'm ready for Friday already.
P.S.-My mom sent me a new bra for Valentine's Day (as she does every year), and this year it is awesome. It is the only bra I've ever had that makes me seem like I have serious cleavage. It's very similar to this one, in the "exotic fuschia" color. Oooh, exotic fuschia. Seriously, I had a couple of bras that I go to whenever I need a boost in the cleavage department, but I'm totally done with those ones now. This one blows them away.
There, I showed you my underwear. Happy Valentine's Day.
My Horrible Day was by no means horrible. It was mostly uneventful.
The best part about it was that Mike was my "anti-Valentine", and he sent me boat shoes for Valentine's Day!
http://www.sperrytopsider.com/shopping/product/detailmain.jsp?itemID=905&itemType=PRODUCT&RS=1&keyword=
It's those ones, to be exact. Seafoam blue boat shoes! I think he mostly bought them kind of as a joke since he's really obsessed with boat shoes right now, but they're surprisingly cute and really comfortable. I was all preppy today in my khaki skirt and my boat shoes. I dig them.
Otherwise I did nothing for Valentine's Day. I had a really long day of school and then work, and by the time I got home this evening I didn't want to do anything other than eat Jack in the Box and chill.
Unfortunately, I have a hell of a lot of stuff to do between now and Thursday and I'm actually kind of stressed right now, so I couldn't really relax like I wanted to. I have an imaging project due in my night class on Thursday and it's not hard to do but it's very time consuming. I'm sure I'll be working on it all day tomorrow and probably right up until class time on Thursday. I've already decided I'll skip my morning class Thursday to continue working if I have to, since there's no time like the present to start the downward spiral of skipping one class to prepare for another!
So I used my time productively tonight and watched Garden State so that I could write my analysis about it for Playwriting (it's times like that when I realize I can't bitch all that much about studying theatre, as sometimes my homework is quite literally watching movies). That's one project for Thursday done, anyway. I forgot that Garden State always makes me cry, though, and now I'm sort of regretting that I watched it. I love that movie so much, but I cry every. single. time. I keep waiting for the time I can finally watch it without crying at the end, but even if I'm not that emotionally invested in it I still end up tearing up at the end. It's that part where he tells her to look at him but she won't because she's crying and he's like, "Look at me. I've only known you for four days and you've changed my life." Gah. And then he comes back to her at the end and he's all emotionally screwed up but they're gonna find some way to work it out because they know they belong together...damn.
Anyway, I should probably go to bed so I can get stuff done tomorrow. I'm ready for Friday already.
P.S.-My mom sent me a new bra for Valentine's Day (as she does every year), and this year it is awesome. It is the only bra I've ever had that makes me seem like I have serious cleavage. It's very similar to this one, in the "exotic fuschia" color. Oooh, exotic fuschia. Seriously, I had a couple of bras that I go to whenever I need a boost in the cleavage department, but I'm totally done with those ones now. This one blows them away.
There, I showed you my underwear. Happy Valentine's Day.
Tuesday, February 07, 2006
Meme me
I never do memes (Who made up the word meme in the first place and what does it actually mean? Is it short for something? I don't get it and I'm too lazy to Google it) but I'm going to do one tonight 'cause I don't feel like doing anything more worthwhile.
Four jobs I was really, really bad at:
1. Hostess at my dad's restaurant. I wasn't so much bad at this job as I just HATED it. I hated being at the bottom of the food chain and having to do all the server's bitch work, I hated side work, I hated waiting for the dishwasher to finish his job so I could roll one last tub of silverware before going home, I hated how when I finally got to just stand still and zone out for a while my manager would think of some stupid job that needed to be done like dusting the plants...basically, I hated everything about it.
2. Student teaching. Okay, so I actually wasn't too bad at this job either (as evidenced by the fact that I did actually earn my teaching certification), but I could have done much better. I was late pretty much every day, I was hungover twenty percent of the time (and just damn tired the rest of the time), and I used to spend my conference periods sleeping in my car in the back of the parking lot of a nearby Wal-Mart instead of planning exciting and engaging lesson plans. Yeah, I totally phoned that one in.
Since I think I was actually semi-decent at my other jobs and more or less enjoyed them (waitressing, bartending at Bass Hall, and anything theatre-related I've ever had to do) I will finish this list up with things I've never actually done but that I just know I'd be terrible at:
3. Any job that involves drawing and/or cutting straight lines. I'm not sure what sort of job that might be (architect?) but I am absolutely 100% physically incapable of creating straight lines, even with the help of tools.
4. Any sort of pyramid scheme-type thing (Amway, Avon, etc) where I had to convince people to not only buy my products but come to work under me as well. I HATE having to convince people to buy stuff I'm selling. The minute someone tells me they're not interested I say, "Cool. I'll leave you alone then." I don't think this trait would make me a very good salesperson.
Four movies I could watch over and over:
1. Closer
2. Tootsie
3. Oliver! (or pretty much any musical movie made in the 60s/70s, but Oliver! is my favorite)
4. The Graduate
Four childhood memories and/or dreams.
1. I remember being at the first daycare center I ever went to. It was before I was even old enough to be in preschool, my mom would drop me off there for just an hour or so at a time so she could go to the gym. I remember sitting on the floor in the corner playing with a set of rainbow-colored stacking rings. Gloria, the babysitter, turned on a radio and all of the "big kids" started dancing in a big circle. I watched them for a minute and then Gloria said, "Somebody go get Ashley so she can dance, too!" and one of the big kids (who couldn't have been much older than five now that I think back on it) picked me up and held me and danced with me. This is probably my earliest clear memory, and I don't think I could have been older than two.
2. I remember playing "Watching for Lightning" with my brother and sister on stormy summer nights. We'd all stand on Shane's bed staring out the window, and whenever there was a flash of lightning we had to fling ourselves down onto the bed and cover ourselves until we heard the thunder. Then we'd pop up to look for more lightning.
3. My mom was watching Ghost on TV but wouldn't let me watch it with her. I was supposed to be in bed sleeping but I kept sneaking into the family room and hiding behind the armchair to see parts of the movie. I happened to sneak in just in time to see the bad guy get impaled on the window glass. It really traumatized me, and the worst part was that I couldn't cry to my mom about it because I wasn't even supposed to be watching it in the first place and I didn't want her to know I'd seen it. It was YEARS before I got brave enough to watch Ghost all the way through.
4. Waking up in the mornings when I'd spend the night at my grandma's house. The first thing I always wanted to do was feed her goldfish. I called him Monstro, but I don't know if that was actually his name. She'd hold me up so I could sprinkle food into the tank. Then I'd sit on the kitchen stool and talk to her while she made pancakes.
Some celebrities I worshiped when I was little.
I don't think I was really aware of celebrities when I was little, other than to be afraid of them. So instead I think I'll make this list "Celebrities/Characters that Scared Me For Absolutely No Reason"
1. David Bowie
2. Pee-Wee Herman
3. Lady Elaine from Mr. Roger's Neighborhood
4. Nancy Reagan. (I feel as though the above three are at least somewhat self-explanatory. Nancy Reagan, though. I was scared of her because I overheard this joke as a little kid about Nancy Reagan's breasts being in a jar on her husband's desk. Disgusting, I know. And I still don't really get it, either. Did she have breast cancer? A mastectomy? Something like that? I don't know. Anyway, it was something I probably shouldn't have overheard in the first place and after that I always had this idea that she was some sort of robot person with removable body parts and so the idea of her scared me).
Names I wanted instead of Ashley:
1. Jessica (Remember the whole Baby Jessica thing? I think that's where this one came from)
2. Elizabeth (or maybe I was just into the Sweet Valley Twin books)
3. Vanessa
4. Maggie
Four injuries I have sustained:
1. This time last year I was on crutches because I had a sprained ankle from falling down some stairs in a parking garage at a theatre conference in Dallas. That was FUN.
2. I have a chip in my bottom front tooth from getting hit in the face by a line drive at softball practice when I was 8. That experience pretty much ended my sports career. I finished that season of softball and then said NEVER AGAIN, a verdict I have stuck to ever since.
3. When I was 9 we were on a family vacation driving across Texas and we got caught in this weird mini-tornado storm that blew a giant sign into our car. I was sitting in the backseat of the van and the sign hit the window beside me. The window shattered all over me and I got a cut at the base of my thumb. I still have a little scar.
4. I have a matching scar on the base of my other thumb because when my next door neighbor Marion and I were young we were always coming up with "projects". One day the project was to make a car out of cardboard (don't ask me why the hell we were doing this, we were about ten at the time). She stole her dad's exacto knife and I ended up slicing my thumb with it as I was trying to cut the cardboard. Once again, I was traumatized but couldn't tell my parents or her parents about it because we weren't supposed to be playing with knives and I didn't want to get into trouble.
Four celebrities I have bothered:
1. George Strait. I used to work at a performance hall and one night I worked a movie premiere there. It was a movie about a county fair or something so all these country singers who had participated in the movie were there. After the premiere we all got to go to the after-party. I could care less about country music, but my coworker Robyn wanted to see George Strait so she kept making me walk by his table with her so she could stare at him.
2. Maggie Smith. I was with my friends Meg, Holly, and Erin and we were at the National Theatre in London to see A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum. We were running late so we were literally running up the stairs when Meg almost collided head-on with a woman on the way down. We had a nagging feeling she was someone important but we didn't have time to figure it out. A couple of days later Meg realized it was Maggie Smith.
Those are the only celebrities that I think I've actually bothered. I've had very few celebrity encounters. So here are a couple of other celebrities I've seen very up close and in person (within twenty feet)
3. Maya Angelou
4. Dave Navarro and the rest of the members of Jane's Addiction.
Four jobs I was really, really bad at:
1. Hostess at my dad's restaurant. I wasn't so much bad at this job as I just HATED it. I hated being at the bottom of the food chain and having to do all the server's bitch work, I hated side work, I hated waiting for the dishwasher to finish his job so I could roll one last tub of silverware before going home, I hated how when I finally got to just stand still and zone out for a while my manager would think of some stupid job that needed to be done like dusting the plants...basically, I hated everything about it.
2. Student teaching. Okay, so I actually wasn't too bad at this job either (as evidenced by the fact that I did actually earn my teaching certification), but I could have done much better. I was late pretty much every day, I was hungover twenty percent of the time (and just damn tired the rest of the time), and I used to spend my conference periods sleeping in my car in the back of the parking lot of a nearby Wal-Mart instead of planning exciting and engaging lesson plans. Yeah, I totally phoned that one in.
Since I think I was actually semi-decent at my other jobs and more or less enjoyed them (waitressing, bartending at Bass Hall, and anything theatre-related I've ever had to do) I will finish this list up with things I've never actually done but that I just know I'd be terrible at:
3. Any job that involves drawing and/or cutting straight lines. I'm not sure what sort of job that might be (architect?) but I am absolutely 100% physically incapable of creating straight lines, even with the help of tools.
4. Any sort of pyramid scheme-type thing (Amway, Avon, etc) where I had to convince people to not only buy my products but come to work under me as well. I HATE having to convince people to buy stuff I'm selling. The minute someone tells me they're not interested I say, "Cool. I'll leave you alone then." I don't think this trait would make me a very good salesperson.
Four movies I could watch over and over:
1. Closer
2. Tootsie
3. Oliver! (or pretty much any musical movie made in the 60s/70s, but Oliver! is my favorite)
4. The Graduate
Four childhood memories and/or dreams.
1. I remember being at the first daycare center I ever went to. It was before I was even old enough to be in preschool, my mom would drop me off there for just an hour or so at a time so she could go to the gym. I remember sitting on the floor in the corner playing with a set of rainbow-colored stacking rings. Gloria, the babysitter, turned on a radio and all of the "big kids" started dancing in a big circle. I watched them for a minute and then Gloria said, "Somebody go get Ashley so she can dance, too!" and one of the big kids (who couldn't have been much older than five now that I think back on it) picked me up and held me and danced with me. This is probably my earliest clear memory, and I don't think I could have been older than two.
2. I remember playing "Watching for Lightning" with my brother and sister on stormy summer nights. We'd all stand on Shane's bed staring out the window, and whenever there was a flash of lightning we had to fling ourselves down onto the bed and cover ourselves until we heard the thunder. Then we'd pop up to look for more lightning.
3. My mom was watching Ghost on TV but wouldn't let me watch it with her. I was supposed to be in bed sleeping but I kept sneaking into the family room and hiding behind the armchair to see parts of the movie. I happened to sneak in just in time to see the bad guy get impaled on the window glass. It really traumatized me, and the worst part was that I couldn't cry to my mom about it because I wasn't even supposed to be watching it in the first place and I didn't want her to know I'd seen it. It was YEARS before I got brave enough to watch Ghost all the way through.
4. Waking up in the mornings when I'd spend the night at my grandma's house. The first thing I always wanted to do was feed her goldfish. I called him Monstro, but I don't know if that was actually his name. She'd hold me up so I could sprinkle food into the tank. Then I'd sit on the kitchen stool and talk to her while she made pancakes.
Some celebrities I worshiped when I was little.
I don't think I was really aware of celebrities when I was little, other than to be afraid of them. So instead I think I'll make this list "Celebrities/Characters that Scared Me For Absolutely No Reason"
1. David Bowie
2. Pee-Wee Herman
3. Lady Elaine from Mr. Roger's Neighborhood
4. Nancy Reagan. (I feel as though the above three are at least somewhat self-explanatory. Nancy Reagan, though. I was scared of her because I overheard this joke as a little kid about Nancy Reagan's breasts being in a jar on her husband's desk. Disgusting, I know. And I still don't really get it, either. Did she have breast cancer? A mastectomy? Something like that? I don't know. Anyway, it was something I probably shouldn't have overheard in the first place and after that I always had this idea that she was some sort of robot person with removable body parts and so the idea of her scared me).
Names I wanted instead of Ashley:
1. Jessica (Remember the whole Baby Jessica thing? I think that's where this one came from)
2. Elizabeth (or maybe I was just into the Sweet Valley Twin books)
3. Vanessa
4. Maggie
Four injuries I have sustained:
1. This time last year I was on crutches because I had a sprained ankle from falling down some stairs in a parking garage at a theatre conference in Dallas. That was FUN.
2. I have a chip in my bottom front tooth from getting hit in the face by a line drive at softball practice when I was 8. That experience pretty much ended my sports career. I finished that season of softball and then said NEVER AGAIN, a verdict I have stuck to ever since.
3. When I was 9 we were on a family vacation driving across Texas and we got caught in this weird mini-tornado storm that blew a giant sign into our car. I was sitting in the backseat of the van and the sign hit the window beside me. The window shattered all over me and I got a cut at the base of my thumb. I still have a little scar.
4. I have a matching scar on the base of my other thumb because when my next door neighbor Marion and I were young we were always coming up with "projects". One day the project was to make a car out of cardboard (don't ask me why the hell we were doing this, we were about ten at the time). She stole her dad's exacto knife and I ended up slicing my thumb with it as I was trying to cut the cardboard. Once again, I was traumatized but couldn't tell my parents or her parents about it because we weren't supposed to be playing with knives and I didn't want to get into trouble.
Four celebrities I have bothered:
1. George Strait. I used to work at a performance hall and one night I worked a movie premiere there. It was a movie about a county fair or something so all these country singers who had participated in the movie were there. After the premiere we all got to go to the after-party. I could care less about country music, but my coworker Robyn wanted to see George Strait so she kept making me walk by his table with her so she could stare at him.
2. Maggie Smith. I was with my friends Meg, Holly, and Erin and we were at the National Theatre in London to see A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum. We were running late so we were literally running up the stairs when Meg almost collided head-on with a woman on the way down. We had a nagging feeling she was someone important but we didn't have time to figure it out. A couple of days later Meg realized it was Maggie Smith.
Those are the only celebrities that I think I've actually bothered. I've had very few celebrity encounters. So here are a couple of other celebrities I've seen very up close and in person (within twenty feet)
3. Maya Angelou
4. Dave Navarro and the rest of the members of Jane's Addiction.
Sunday, February 05, 2006
Super
I'm not really watching the Super Bowl today. It's on my TV right now, but I didn't opt to go to any parties or make it a social event. Actually, as a general rule my friends don't care much about football, so nothing is going on today anyway. So I'm reading for my Theory class and working on my Directing project and paying attention to the game only to watch commercials and the halftime show, which is how I like it.
I had a pretty full weekend. On Thursday night Matthew threw a little dinner party so Chelsea and I went over to his place for that. It was a lot of fun and I got to meet Matthew's sister and some of his other friends.
Then Friday night my sister came down to hang out, and on Saturday we went shopping at the outlet malls. We visited Matthew's store and I got talked into buying a dress. I really like it a lot, but I have absolutely no idea when I'm going to wear it anytime soon. I think I need to make up a dress-wearing ocassion. Too bad my anti-Valentine is in El Paso so I can't go on an actual Valentine's Day date, 'cause that would have been the perfect ocassion. Oh well.
Saturday night was a lot of fun, too. I went out in Austin with Mandi, Chelsea, and Mandi's niece Lauren. It's strange that Mandi is Lauren's aunt since she's only five years older. They interact much more like sisters or cousins. (I just realized that I spent the weekend meeting everyone's relatives. That's kind of strange.) Anyway, we barhopped on 6th and hit four different bars in a three hour period, we danced a lot, and we didn't have to ward off too many creepy guys but we were looking hot enough to get free drinks from a promoter at one of the bars we visited. So all in all it was a really good night, and I wasn't even hungover this morning.
So anyway, that's what's been going on socially. School-wise things are going well. On Thursday night I gave a fifteen minute lecture that I was working on right up until the moment I got up to speak. My professor ended up giving me a 100 on it, which blew my mind because I seriously thought my grad school professors were morally opposed to giving students perfect scores. It had never happened to any of us before, anyway. This also confirms my suspicion that my sole purpose in life is to be an incredibly successful procrastinator. I really should start giving lessons on my technique.
The most exciting thing about school recently is that I think I may have found a thesis subject. I'm a worrier by nature and one of the things I've been worrying about lately is coming up with a thesis project. I need to declare something by the end of this semester, and prior to this week I had no clue what I wanted to do. Well, Thursday night my professor and main advisor, Dr. C., asked me if I'd be interested in acting as a dramaturg* on a show next year. She said I could be an assistant dramaturg on a show in the fall semester and then be head dramaturg in the spring semester. One of my friends is dramaturging as his thesis project right now, so I asked Dr. C. if I could make that my thesis project as well, and she said she doesn't see why not. So...if everything works out with the way the season is set up next year I may have a thesis project! Acting as a dramaturg would be a lot more fun than writing a massive research paper, too, 'cause my research would be used for a show and I'd get to collaborate with the director and the production team and have something visual to show for all my hard work. Something my friends and family would actually want to come see and enjoy, as opposed to me handing my parents a manuscript and saying, "Here, read this thesis that you're not going to be interested in or understand anyway!"
So yeah, I'm excited about that possibility. And now I can use that worrying part of my mind to focus on other worrisome things, like what the hell I'm going to be planning to do with my future at this time next year. Because if there's one thing I enjoy it's worrying about things way, WAY in advance.
Back to my reading.
*Unless you're really into theatre you probably don't know what a dramaturg does. Hell, even if you are really into theatre you probably don't know what a dramaturg does. And I could explain it to you, but it would be a long explanation and I'm feeling lazy. Maybe one day that will be its own boring entry.
I had a pretty full weekend. On Thursday night Matthew threw a little dinner party so Chelsea and I went over to his place for that. It was a lot of fun and I got to meet Matthew's sister and some of his other friends.
Then Friday night my sister came down to hang out, and on Saturday we went shopping at the outlet malls. We visited Matthew's store and I got talked into buying a dress. I really like it a lot, but I have absolutely no idea when I'm going to wear it anytime soon. I think I need to make up a dress-wearing ocassion. Too bad my anti-Valentine is in El Paso so I can't go on an actual Valentine's Day date, 'cause that would have been the perfect ocassion. Oh well.
Saturday night was a lot of fun, too. I went out in Austin with Mandi, Chelsea, and Mandi's niece Lauren. It's strange that Mandi is Lauren's aunt since she's only five years older. They interact much more like sisters or cousins. (I just realized that I spent the weekend meeting everyone's relatives. That's kind of strange.) Anyway, we barhopped on 6th and hit four different bars in a three hour period, we danced a lot, and we didn't have to ward off too many creepy guys but we were looking hot enough to get free drinks from a promoter at one of the bars we visited. So all in all it was a really good night, and I wasn't even hungover this morning.
So anyway, that's what's been going on socially. School-wise things are going well. On Thursday night I gave a fifteen minute lecture that I was working on right up until the moment I got up to speak. My professor ended up giving me a 100 on it, which blew my mind because I seriously thought my grad school professors were morally opposed to giving students perfect scores. It had never happened to any of us before, anyway. This also confirms my suspicion that my sole purpose in life is to be an incredibly successful procrastinator. I really should start giving lessons on my technique.
The most exciting thing about school recently is that I think I may have found a thesis subject. I'm a worrier by nature and one of the things I've been worrying about lately is coming up with a thesis project. I need to declare something by the end of this semester, and prior to this week I had no clue what I wanted to do. Well, Thursday night my professor and main advisor, Dr. C., asked me if I'd be interested in acting as a dramaturg* on a show next year. She said I could be an assistant dramaturg on a show in the fall semester and then be head dramaturg in the spring semester. One of my friends is dramaturging as his thesis project right now, so I asked Dr. C. if I could make that my thesis project as well, and she said she doesn't see why not. So...if everything works out with the way the season is set up next year I may have a thesis project! Acting as a dramaturg would be a lot more fun than writing a massive research paper, too, 'cause my research would be used for a show and I'd get to collaborate with the director and the production team and have something visual to show for all my hard work. Something my friends and family would actually want to come see and enjoy, as opposed to me handing my parents a manuscript and saying, "Here, read this thesis that you're not going to be interested in or understand anyway!"
So yeah, I'm excited about that possibility. And now I can use that worrying part of my mind to focus on other worrisome things, like what the hell I'm going to be planning to do with my future at this time next year. Because if there's one thing I enjoy it's worrying about things way, WAY in advance.
Back to my reading.
*Unless you're really into theatre you probably don't know what a dramaturg does. Hell, even if you are really into theatre you probably don't know what a dramaturg does. And I could explain it to you, but it would be a long explanation and I'm feeling lazy. Maybe one day that will be its own boring entry.
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