Goddamn, I hate when I'm right

So after all my rambling in my last post and trying to convince myself not to worry, what do I find out today?
That Mike went out on another date with the Valentine's Day Girl on Thursday night. He's been sort of distant all week, and now I know why. And the only reason he even told me about it in the first place was because I was nice enough to mention to him that I might go out with a guy tonight. I just wanted to tell him that I was going to go but not to worry about it, 'cause I didn't want it to come out later and have him be upset about it. Well, come to find out he couldn't care less what I'm up to tonight. Because he has a new girl. I asked him if they're going to start dating and he said "I don't know."

God, I hate this. I'm so sad now, and the worst part about it is that I know I'm sad over nothing. Well, sad over EVERYTHING, but it's nothing either of us can control. We talked on the phone for a long time this afternoon, and I told him that I wish he could do something to make me feel better, but he can't. It's all internal stuff due to my personality that's making me so sad. I like things very definite and organized and neat and planned, and I can't have any of that in a relationship situation and it drives me crazy.
He has every right to see other girls, just like I have every right to see other guys. I would like that to change, but I know that a long distance committed relationship sucks just as much as we're doing right now, plus he wouldn't be a willing participant in a commitment right now so there's no point. The only way I could get him to do it would be by giving him an ultimatum, and even then he probably wouldn't do it. If we do eventually have a committed relationship I want it to be both of our decisions, not me forcing him into it. And we talked about all of this, how if it's meant to be it's going to happen, how he's not actively seeking out other girls but he's not going to stop pursuing his options there if they come to him, that he'd like to be with me but it's just too hard right now. I told him how hard it is for me because I'm pretty sure that I just want to be with him and I know that he's not completely sure that he wants to be with me (Hence the fact that he still feels the need to date other people and honestly, I don't. The only reason I want someone to date right now is because hell, if he's gonna look for other options I might as well do it, too). It's just so hard. He pointed out that so much could happen in a year and we just have to take it day by day, and I know that, I just don't like it. I feel like it's such an unfair situation. I know that Mike and I are great together, but how am I supposed to compete with someone in El Paso? When he has a girl right there to see every day, have lunch with, run errands with, drink with on the weekends, sleep with every night, what the hell do I have to offer him when I'm nothing but some typed words and a voice on the phone once in a while? I don't even have a fair chance to fight for this guy that I love, and I HATE THAT.
And I know, I know. I know that it's possible he may not be the right guy for me at all. I know there's every possibility that if we do ever end up in the same city again with the opportunity to have a real relationship, it might last only two months before we realize it's all wrong and we're ready to kill each other. We haven't been together in the same place for longer than three months at a time since we were in high school. I realize that we have no idea how we'd really react to each other in a long-term situation in which we see each other every day while doing day-to-day things like holding down jobs and paying bills and dealing with the stress of everyday life. Maybe if we did ever live together his habits that I find endearing now would make me insane. Maybe Mike and I are not really supposed to ever be together at all and there's an amazing guy out there in this world that will somehow make me feel just the way Mike makes me feel, only even better. Or maybe my fate is to be alone and be a strong woman with a brilliant career who finds satisfaction in a solitary life. I don't know, I have no fucking clue and that's partially what makes this all so hard. But the thing is, I feel like if Mike and I don't get to ever at least try it, I'm going to always spend my life wondering, "What if..." It would be a major, major regret. So far I've managed to live a life free from major regrets, and I don't intend to start having regrets now. And if he falls for someone in El Paso, he and I are never going to get to try this at all.
Ugh. I guess that's what I get for trying to tell myself to be optimistic. From now on I'm going back to expecting the worst.

The one good thing about all this is that when I get sad I have a hard time eating. I only ate one meal today, 'cause my stomach is all knotted up. So if this continues I'll get all svelte, just in time for Padre...except that oh wait, if this continues I won't be going to Padre after all. Why does it always have to be complicated? Sigh.

To change the subject now, since I'm just making myself more sad:
Pop culture is very weird. I love how so many times I've never heard of something at all and then suddenly one day it's the only thing I hear about. That happened last week with this music artit, Sufjan Stevens. He's an indie rock guy. Last week I heard a song on The O.C. that I loved. I remembered about it Thursday night so I went on a mission to find out who sings it. Turns out the song has the longest title ever (For the Widows in Paradise, for the Fatherless in Ypsilante) and is sung by this Sufjan Stevens guy. So I did some more research looking for a place to download the song, only to find out that he sings this other song, Chicago, that I heard on NPR one morning last week on my way to class and really liked. How weird to find out that he sang both of the new songs I've liked within the past week. Even weirder that the same artist was being played on both The O.C. and NPR. Even WEIRDER that I regularly watch The O.C. and listen to NPR. I'm neither fifteen nor sixty-five, but you'd never know it from my entertainment choices.

Another thing: Do you ever have a sex dream about some random person and then see them the next day and feel really awkward and embarrassed even though there's no possible way the person could know about your dream? That happened to me after I finally went to sleep on Thursday night. I had this really strange game about this guy Z. (I won't put his full name since it's not his fault I'm having weird sex dreams about him). I've only really hung out with Z. once in my life, and he was really nice and funny but I wasn't at all attracted to him. He's really short, and he's made like a film actor, meaning he has a head that is way too large for his body. He has an attractive face and very pretty eyes, but he's a bit too bobble-head for my tastes. Plus he has a girlfriend that I like a whole lot, so even if I were attracted to him I would have tried to crush it immediately since they're obviously happy together. Despite the fact that I'm not attracted to him at all in my waking life, in my dream we definitely had sex. Funnily enough, I don't really remember much about the actual sex part of the dream. Mainly I remember the part where we were undressing each other, and the part afterwards when we were cuddling in bed and he was telling me how I should hang out with him and his girlfriend more often and I was thinking, "Dude, are you serious? Do you know how awkward that would be now?"
So anyway, I had that dream and then the next night I was working box office and he was there to usher, since he works for me this semester. He hung out around the box office before many people showed up, and me and the other girls selling tickets were chatting with him, and the whole time in my head I was thinking to myself, "Why were you naked in my dream last night?!" and blushing internally thinking about the whole thing.
AND THEN, ha, it was freezing yesterday, and for some reason Z. had been wearing a ski bib in class all day to keep warm (don't ak me why, he's just sort of quirky like that). He'd put on a nice outfit to usher, but then once the show had started and the audience was all closed away in the show upstairs and the rest of us workers were getting ready to go home for the night, he came into the box office and told me and the house manager, "I'm gonna change back here, are you girls okay with that?" We both said we were fine with that, but the whole time I couldn't believe that the guy I'd had a random sex dream about was randomly stripping down and changing from a suit into a ski bib two feet away from me. Apparently I can will guys into nakedness. Who knew?

Anyway, it's almost 11 and I haven't heard from my friends, so I guess the ice must have kept them from coming down after all. Oh well, I wouldn't have been much fun tonight anyway. I'm gonna curl up in a sad little ball and drink some hot chocolate. Maybe tomorrow will be better.