I should be in a good mood right now. It's the weekend. I kicked ass on my second dramaturgy project tonight, and got a ton of compliments on my work, which makes it totally worth it that I had to stay up until 5 a.m. last night to finish it (I did in fact skip Directing this morning so that I could sleep until 1:00 this afternoon, so actually having to stay up most of the night wasn't that big a deal). I don't have too much work due for next week so I actually get to relax this weekend. All in all I had a really good day.
So why do I feel so discontent right now?
My suspicion is that it has to do with Mike, which annoys me because I hate any time I start to get remotely worked up about guy stuff. It's just that most of the time this partial relationship is okay with me, but other times for no reason at all it starts to frustrate me. We had a talk recently that reassured me. It made me realize that I'm not making crazy assumptions and projecting the way I feel onto him, and it made me realize that we're on the same page about where this thing we're doing has the potential to go. But that reassurance lasted all of a couple of days before I started worrying a little bit again.
I feel terrible because I always assume the worst of him. Every time he goes out with a girl who is a friend I can't help feeling like maybe he's suddenly going to realize he likes her more than just a friend. On Valentine's Day he went on a double date as a favor for a friend, and when he didn't get home until 5 a.m. my time I assumed that meant they probably really hit it off with the girl and the reason he got home so late was because they were at least making out, if not more. Right now he has an away message up that says something about loving bitches, and I'm sure it's just his usual meaningless nonsense but I can't get rid of the nagging feeling at the back of my mind wondering what he's up to tonight and which bitches it is that he loves so much. Every time I mention my worries (and I try not to bother him about it too much) he reassures me that I have no reason to be sad or worried and that he's not even seeing anyone else right now, and I believe him every time but it does take some convincing. And he doesn't deserve that. He's a good guy, he doesn't deserve my constant suspicion.
And I hate myself when I get like this. I hate the pointless jealousy, because deep down inside I know there's nothing I can do about it. If he's gonna fall for someone else it's going to happen and nothing I can do can change that. The worst part is, I know it makes him feel bad when I imply that I don't trust him, and I hate making him feel like I think he's a slut.
But at the same time, as long as we're in this partial relationship, I'm going to assume the worst. As long as he's still allowed to date/make out with/sleep with other people, I'm going to assume he will.
I think if we were in a committed relationship it would be different. I DO trust him, and I know that if we were actually dating then he'd break up with me before he'd cheat on me. That's just the sort of guy he is. But in this case, he has no reason to be faithful to me, he has no reason to stop looking for someone better than me, and I am so scared to let myself fall completely for him again. I want to, I want to so badly, but I'm afraid that the second I let my guard down and actually let myself believe that maybe he's not looking for a better girl every night, that's the night he's gonna call me while my guard is down and tell me, "I'm so sorry, but I can't do this with you anymore, I've found someone perfect for me and it isn't you after all."
And it's such a double-edged sword, because for my own personal reasons I'm scared to let down my guard. I need this jealousy and suspicion as a defense mechanism right now. At the same time, I'm sure it's a total turn-off to him and every time I question his relationship with somebody else I'm doing nothing but upsetting him and making him think that I'm a crazy girl and I'm really not. I need to stop acting like this, but sometimes it's just really hard to control.
The other really frustrating thing about it is that I feel like he is surrounded by eligible girls all the time. I may not think they're the most interesting, funny, cute people in the world, but I know that HE does (well, maybe he doesn't think they're the best in the world, but he likes them enough to flirt with them, at least). I think that if I had some prospects here it would be different. Not that I even have desire to pursue other guys right now, 'cause I really don't. Not seriously. But it's frustrating to me that I couldn't even if I wanted to. Every guy I know here is either a) too young, b) gay, or c) married. Ah, the frustrations of being a single, young woman in a theatre graduate program. I'd like to at least have some guys to flirt with, like he has girls to flirt with. That would make me feel more confident I think, because as it stands right now Mike spends his weekends out with his guy friends and a bunch of single girls, and I spend my weekends with girlfriends or playing hag to Matthew. Not that I don't love hanging out with Matthew, but there's just not much action for me on 4th Street, ya know? As a result, I end up feeling that I'm at a disadvantage. It's especially frustrating because as an undergrad I constantly had guys to flirt with. It's going to sound conceited, but I used to be able to walk into a bar/party and not just have one guy to flirt with, I actually had options. Lots of options, of people I enjoyed flirting with who seemed to enjoy flirting back. And I miss that innocent flirting.
These days, I honestly feel ready to put non-innocent flirting behind me (I will never give up innocent flirting and I'd never expect a guy in a relationship with me to give it up, either. Flirting is one of the fun parts of life). However, it wasn't my intention to be totally committed to Mike at this point because I know it's too early to expect him to be totally committed to me. But I'm committed to him by default at this point because there's nobody else to give him a run for his money here, and that's frustrating because I feel like there are dozens of girls in El Paso trying to win him over.
I realize that he's an attractive guy, and that he's flirtatious by nature. I know that's never going to change, and honestly, I'm okay with that. I like to think of myself as attractive and somewhat flirtatious myself. But flirtation is a whole lot easier to deal with when there's a commitment and I know it's not going to go anywhere beyond innocent flirting. It's also a whole lot easier when I have people to flirt with, too, damn it! I either want both of us flirting with other people or neither of us doing it. The imbalance is what's frustrating me more than anything.
Oh well, right now I just need to chill the fuck out, and I know that. This whole thing is just about relaxing and waiting to see what happens. Whatever will be, will be. I know that. It's just hard to convince myself sometimes that it's all going to be okay no matter what happens.
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