I think...and I don't want to speak too soon and jinx myself, so I hope that doesn't happen...but I think I'm more or less feeling better. I had one last crying jag on Sunday evening, but since then there haven't been any more tears. And today I woke up for the first time feeling really good, like I really don't care.
I don't know how to explain how I felt before. I felt really...volatile. Like from one second to the next I didn't know if I was going to be happy or hopeful or whether I'd be on the verge of tears and wanting to just get back into bed or whether I'd be fucking pissed. The anger was the worst because before I could really stop myself I'd be saying bratty, stupid things to Mike. And the thing is, I've realized that I do want us to stay friends. I'm not as optimistic as he is about thinking that we can have the same close friendship that we've always had, but I also realize that I don't want him out of my life. If we're going to stop being friends it's going to happen gradually over time as we go our own ways and grow apart, not because I purposely pushed him away when I was hurt. And who knows, maybe we'll get lucky and really will get to be friends for life. I've been thinking about that lately and I've decided that even if we never get back together again it really would be good to have him as a close friend. I'm not saying I'll be able to sit down and have drinks with him and his girlfriend anytime soon (just the thought of that right now is making my skin crawl) but I can envision a day years from now, both of us with other people, getting together for dinner with our families or something. And I think I'd like that. I think just being friends is going to be hard at first, especially for me. But I also think I'd like to make the effort.
Mainly I'm kind of worried about going to Padre in twelve days. It's just coming up so soon, and although I trust myself and my emotions today, there's no way to predict how I'm going to feel when I'm with him so much for six days. Honestly, I'm not even totally sure why I'm still going except that I know if I don't go, it will be worse. If I don't go down there I'll wonder what would have happened if I did. At least this way I can go there and Mike and I will actually get a chance to try out the "We're just friends" thing. After all, there has never been a single time in our lives that we've been together without at least making out at the end of the night, even when we were supposed to be dating other people and moving on from each other. So I want to make sure that we really can be platonic friends. Because if we can't hang out without making out, then there's not a lot of hope for us even maintaining a friendship. (P.S.-I am definitely not going to fool around with him. I firmly believe in karma and I'm not about to fool around with someone who has a girlfriend, even if I believe he's supposed to be with me. Luckily, I figure he's pretty serious about this girl and probably won't even try to touch me, which might bruise my ego a little bit but will definitely be for the best).
So yeah, I'm gonna go to Padre for spring break and we're gonna try being friends. Worst case scenario, if I get down there and am really miserable and just can't handle being around him I'll just get on a bus and come back to Austin. Jenny has that week off so I'll make her come down and hang out with me or something. Best case scenario, it will end up being a fun week of clubbing and sunbathing and I'll learn that Mike and I really can just be friends without it killing me.
Honestly, though, today I'm feeling pretty good. Today I feel like I can fully trust myself not to fly off the handle or suddenly burst into tears. I'm not saying I might not still feel sad or angry sometimes, but at least now I feel like I have control again and am not getting ambushed by random emotions. And I think I'm done feeling sad for portions of every single day. Probably just every two or three days now. Haha. (By the way, I don't understand how really emotional people survive. It's exhausting feeling that much all the time, not to mention scary).
Anyway, I've been so caught up in all this crap that I haven't talked about other things that have happened lately. First of all, I got another $1000 scholarship for summer, so now I have $2000 total for study abroad. That means that half of my trip is being paid for by the university, which is awesome. And since I have already paid off the other half, I'm good to go. At first I was just going to Stratford because I thought it would be a smart move career-wise, but as it gets closer to summer I'm actually starting to get really, really excited about it.
Cohen had a birthday last week; my baby basset is a whole year old now! We had a party for him and Chelsea's dog, Morty, complete with King Kong birthday hats, hamburgers, and special brownies just for dogs. We're the nerdiest people on the planet, but it was fun.
We're also getting an invisible fence put in at Chelsea's house for the dogs. It's one of those things that gives them a little shock if they get too close to it (a very little shock, I know because I tried one of the collars out on my hand). I think Morty is gonna love having a yard to run around in, and since I take Cohen up there pretty much every weekend it will be a lot of fun for him, too.
I've been out a lot in the past few days, too. Much more than usual. Friday night Chelsea, Shane and I went to Hula Hut in Austin and I had a single drink and somehow got buzzed. Ooh, I also got a great t-shirt there, it has a basset hound on the front wearing a Hawaaian shirt and it says, "Dressed to chill". I love it! Saturday night Chelsea and I went out on 6th Street. It was Mardi Gras weekend so it was pretty crazy. We met a group of soccer players visiting from Vanderbilt for a tournament, and they bought us drinks all night long. I enjoy stuff like that because it makes me feel attractive, but I also just hate meeting guys in bars. The vast majority are after nothing but sex. Oh well, you don't barhop to find a good guy, you barhop to get free drinks and have funny stories to retell later. When I eventually find a good guy I'm sure it will be elsewhere. Last night I went out with my friend Mandi for her birthday. I finally got to meet her boyfriend and her family and some of the people she works with. I had a really good time and got a little buzzed 'cause Mandi kept secretly passing me the shots she didn't want when the guys weren't looking.
I was supposed to have class at 9:30 this morning and I was actually going to drag myself out of bed and go even though all I really wanted to do was sleep for four more hours, but then right as I was about to leave the house my friend Paul, who TAs the class, called me and told me that class was cancelled today! Score! I love it when the world decides to conform to my own personal schedule. I'd already planned to skip Playwriting today just for the hell of it (we get three free absences and I haven't used any yet, and on a day like today I really need a nap) so I e-mailed my Playwriting professor the assignment that was due today and decided to give myself the day off. I'm still gonna go to my night class tonight since I have a paper due, but all I've been doing today is watching TV, napping, and walking Cohen outside because it's a beautiful day. The best part is I have the day off tomorrow, too, because it's Wednesday and I have absolutely no homework due on Thursday. This is turning out to be the easiest week ever!
Alright, I'm gonna go lie around some more until it's time to go to class.
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