Ups and Downs

I had a weird weekend, emotionally. I spent a lot of the weekend talking to Mike about various things--mostly not even related to "us", but issues of his own--and mostly it was okay but I kept going off on these melodramatic spiels about how I hate that things had to ultimately turn out the way they did and how I'm afraid I'm going to be single forever and that I screwed up the one chance I had at being with someone for real, and blah, blah, blah.
And I'd be all into my rant and I'd be feeling pretty seriously sad about it, but then suddenly as if I were watching myself from a distance I'd think, "What are you doing? You don't actually think most of those things. And even if at this exact moment he were to suddenly have a change of heart and say that he wants to spend the rest of his life with you, would you actually say yes?"
And so I thought about that for a while, and I went, "Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No." Which I guess is probably a no, huh?
So I don't know why I still obsess about this sometimes. Overall I've gotten so much better. I look at the spot I'm in now and compare it to the spot I was in six months ago and I realize that I'm doing great now, especially in comparison to where I was. And I have no reason to believe it won't just keep getting better and better, especially if every other aspect of my life continues to go as well as it is right now.
The other thing is, I know most of the time that I have nothing to worry about. The odds are still very much in my favor that I'll find someone that I actually want to spend my life with. Somewhere out there there's a guy that's basically Mike plus a few more positive traits and minus all of the complications seven years have heaped on us. And one of these days with any luck he and I will stumble across each other. Just because it's probably not going to happen this year in Texas doesn't mean it's not going to happen ever.
And the other thing I realize when I'm being sane (which is almost 100% of the time these days, I'm happy to report) is that I really am okay on my own. I've always liked my own company better than the company of anybody else. I like a lot of people, but I'm an introvert at heart. As a kid I was happiest playing games and writing stories in my room by myself. As an adult I'm most relaxed here in my apartment with Food Network and Cohen and a play to read. I like going out and having a social life, but I ultimately end up choosing to spend a lot of time alone (I will say, however, that being alone is only fun when it's actually by choice and not just because I don't have any other options. I am comfortable being alone mostly because I know that I do have friends I could call up if I felt like. And I don't think that fact is ever going to change, hopefully). So yes, I realize that even if somehow I do end up falling into the 10% of people that never find someone they love enough to want to start a family with, well, I think I can hack it on my own. I have good friends and a good family, which is more than a lot of people have. I have my animals, I have my hobbies, I think I'll have an interesting career, and when I'm old enough and ready I know I'll have a son or daughter, even if I have to accomplish that dream in a non-traditional way. And I can envision that sort of lifestyle; teaching and writing during the school year, maybe doing some directing, going out with colleagues sometimes, maybe even going on the occasional* date, training a whole pack of basset hounds to do obedience or be therapy dogs, boarding the dogs and going abroad each summer (since the one obvious benefit to being single is more money to spend on ME!). I mean, I can see all of that, and see how it would make me happy, too.
So I don't know why I still get all melodramatic and panicky sometimes, but I'm also able to snap myself out of it pretty quickly now. I think the next step will be keeping melodramatic rants to myself. Because that's just smart.

The thing is, I had a really good weekend, too. I made a small stack of money on Saturday night, which made me happy even though I was there until closing time because I had one table that would not stop drinking. Matthew was in town this weekend, so I spent some time with him and amongst other things we went to a birthday party for his sister's cat. Proof that my sister and I aren't the only nutty people in the world who celebrate our pets' birthdays with actual parties involving party hats and cake! (Oh, we're crazy, I know, but at least we're not the only ones). Yesterday I hung out with my sister and we saw Little Miss Sunshine, which I really liked. I know everybody is raving about it and I don't have anything enlightening to add, but the hype is well-deserved, in my opinion. I may actually buy it once it's available on DVD, and that's about the highest honor I can give a film since everybody who knows me knows I do not buy DVDs. I have exactly 19 DVDs. I mean, there are lots of movies that I think are pretty good, and that I'd probably watch again if they were on TV or whatever. But there aren't many movies that I love so much I want to own them so I have the option of watching them over and over and over again. But I think this one is worthy of being added to my collection eventually.
Here is my current collection, for the record. Just so you can see my taste in movies before you actually bother taking any recommendations* from me. Also, I can think of three or four more movies off the top of my head that I'd like to add to this collection, but not many. Most of the ones I do still want to add are older movies. And most of these I just love for personal reasons and not because they're actually brilliant movies (although many of them are).
1) Almost Famous
2) Amelie
3) The Big Chill
4) Chicago
5) Closer
6) Confessions of a Dangerous Mind
7) Far From Heaven
8) Fight Club
9) Garden State
10) The Graduate
11) Lord of the Rings (the first one. And actually, this one is sort of a fluke. It was $2 in the Missing Cover Art bin at some video store, so I bought it because it was two bucks and I like it enough, not because I actually love it. I do like it quite a lot, but obviously not enough to bother actually buying the other two)
12) Memento
13) Pulp Fiction
14) The Royal Tenenbaums
15) Sense and Sensibility
16) Snatch
17) The Sound of Music
18) Tootsie
19) Waiting for Guffman
That's it. That's my entire DVD collection. Oh, except that I do have every episode of Sex and the City except season one (which somehow got lost in my last move), season one of The Aqua Teen Hunger Force, and Angels in America (which is more of a mini-series than a movie, although it's WONDERFUL and if you've never seen it you should rent it immediately. I re-read the play all the time). Also, I didn't realize my DVDs were in alphabetical order until just now. I have a feeling that was my sister's doing, since I may be pretty anal but even I don't actually alphabetize books and DVDs.

Anyway, I don't have to go to rehearsal tonight, which is bad because the reason Mandi cancelled rehearsal is that we had an actor drop out today but good because I don't have to be at the theatre from 8:00 until 11:00 as usual. So I think I'm going to watch Lost and continue to put off studying and homework as long as possible.

I did get a second member for my thesis committee today, though! Now I'm just waiting to hear back from one more person and I'll be good to go on with the teeny tiny baby steps of my thesis.

*Do you have any words that you have to look up in a dictionary every. single. time. you spell them? Mine are occasional/ly and misspell. And recommend. I always want to stick two c's in that one, although just recently I finally managed to convince myself that it really is just "re commend", as in to commend someone again. Which I know isn't the definiton, but thinking about it like that helps me spell it. And you'd think I could do the same thing by realizing that the root of occasional and occur are the same, but no. I'm always firmly convinced that it should be spelled ocassional.