Back to School

So, today was the first day of school. Believe it or not, today was my 19th first day of class. That's pretty ridiculous. Several people came up to me today and joyously proclaimed, "This is your last year! It's your last first day of school as a student ever!! Aren't you excited?" And I don't know how to feel about that, mostly because I'm hoping it's actually NOT my last first day of school ever. I really do want that doctorate one of these days, even though I constantly doubt that it's actually going to happen and in the moments when I believe I might actually be lucky enough to get into a doctoral program next year I question whether I really want to spend three to five more years in school anyway.
Of course, because I've been in school for 18 years straight now I also don't know what the hell else I even want to do at this point. I'm comfortable with academia. I enjoy the lifestyle and I know I'm good at it, so why do anything else unless I have to? Then again, I suppose there's something to be said for a total change of pace. I just don't know at this point. But that's what the next few months are for, hopefully developing some sort of plan for What Comes Next.

Anyway, I spent most of today thinking about how the first day of school as a second-year student is so much better than the first day of school as a first year. It's wonderful to walk into the lobby and hear someone happily shout, "Ashley!" as someone else holds her arms out for a hug with an admonishing, "Where the hell have you been?!" (Um, right here, actually.) It's great to be able to comment on the professor's new haircut and talk to Amanda about her move and get excited about the gift Kelly brought me from Thailand and know that I belong to the group instead of wondering if I'll ever fit in. Mostly it's just nice to know that I'm smart enough, because last year I spent the first couple weeks having mild panic attacks in every class as I realized that everybody already knew SO MUCH MORE than I did. (Turns out everybody else was having the exact same panic attack, of course.) Of course, the downside to all this first-day-of-class fun is realizing that all this fun happy togetherness is only going to last until May and then I have to start all over AGAIN. And I know enough about myself now to know that no matter what it takes me a good six months to a year to really get comfortable somewhere, so I'm already sort of dreading leaving.

But in the meantime I have about eight and a half months of work to do here, and I'm already jumping right into it. It actually feels good to be busy and have lots of things to accomplish again, although I'm already worrying a lot about how I'm going to make waitressing and school mesh. I've decided I'm going to try two or three weeks just letting my boss schedule me as he wants (around my classes and any meetings/events I knew about far enough in advance to request off). Then if I find that too overwhelming I'll request a set schedule, because I definitely think I can handle it all and manage my time fine if I have a set schedule. And if he won't give me a set schedule then I'll quit, extra cash be damned. Yes.

Anyway, I got a lot done today. I e-mailed my director for Rocky and my supervisor for my box office job to set up meetings I want to have, I started getting everything organized and set up in the box office and plan to finish that job tomorrow, and I went to my Wednesday "class". I say "class" because it's really not much of a class. Apparently the university decided this year that all graduate assistants have to take this mandatory course as part of our job. At least we don't pay to take it, or get graded. We just have to show up or we don't get paychecks, apparently. Dr. C is teaching our department's section of it, and she describes it as a "pedagogy class", which basically means it's going to be another pointless education class, because apparently I haven't already had enough of those in my life. (I'm a certified teacher. Believe me, I've almost stabbed myself in the eye with my pen out of sheer frustration in far too many education classes already.) So yeah. We'll meet every Wednesday until the middle of October and talk about how to teach college students and then after that we each have to give a lecture in someone's class. Considering I manage the box office and my TA position doesn't actually involve teaching or grading, this whole class is a complete waste of my time. The only reason I'm remotely okay with it is because I do actually plan to teach college someday, and I suppose the fact that I'll have taken an entire class on Teaching College Students will make my resume slightly more appealing. I guess. However, in yet another instance of my presumed intelligence and responsible personality screwing me over instead of working in my favor, Dr. C has requested that I give my lecture in her Dramatic Theory class. Pretty much everyone else gets to lecture in the Intro to Fine Arts classes they actually TA, and the other two girls that aren't actual TAs (one is the assistant in the costume shop and the other does publicity) will be lecturing in an Intro class as well. But while everyone else gets to do a lesson on like, the definition of musical theatre to a bunch of freshmen who probably won't pay attention or give a shit no matter what they do, I'll probably end up lecturing on like, Hegel's dialectic to 40 people who are in their third or fourth year of studying theatre and will actually know if I'm making stuff up as I go along. Great. (Okay, I'll admit it...I'm bitching about it, but deep down I'm pleased that Dr. C trusts me enough to actually want to hand over her class to me for a day. Plus I really honestly do think I want to make a living getting people excited about dramatic theory, so this will be good practice for me)

Speaking of attempts to make my resume more appealing, today I submitted the paper I wrote in England to be considered for a conference. I really want to get a paper accepted for a conference or journal this year. I need it to happen if I want even a remote shot at this doctorate stuff. I got close a few months ago. My paper on product placement was chosen as the alternate for the graduate panel at the ATHE conference. Had either of the chosen presenters not been able to go to Chicago, I would have gone in their place. Unfortunately they were fine and healthy and happy to go to Chicago in August, so I didn't get to go. Still, being chosen as the alternate is somewhat validating. However, the same paper got rejected from another conference last year, and the paper I submitted for consideration at the Texas Educational Theatre Association conference wasn't accepted, either. But here's the thing: I submitted that product placement paper to be considered for the graduate panel of two pretty major conferences. So I didn't feel too bad about a rejection and an alternate position. As for the TETA paper, I sent them what I consider one of my second-rate papers. My best paper was still in consideration for the other conference at the time, and it's bad form to send the same paper for consideration to two different places at the same time ('cause if it happens to get accepted by both places you're totally screwed). In retrospect I should have sent the product placement paper to TETA, where I think I would have had a much better shot. But whatever.
The point is, this current paper that I sent off today is my best paper to date, I think. It's the one I like best, anyway. I don't know how much of a shot I have at it getting accepted at this conference, though. For one thing, there's not a specific panel for grad students, so my abstract is up against the abstracts of people like Dr. C, known Shakespeare scholars who actually know what the hell they're doing. That doesn't give me a lot of hope. The only thing that might be working in my favor is that the conference is in Ohio in November and I don't think many people want to be in Ohio at that time of year (or possibly ever...actually, I shouldn't bash Ohio, I know absolutely nothing about Ohio) so maybe the conference won't get a lot of submissions in the first place. I don't know. The timing of the conference really is terrible for me, since it takes place during the run of Rocky and not only am I managing the box office for that show, I'm dramaturging it (in case you somehow didn't already know that from reading this blog) and I'd also have to miss my second night class of the semester if I went and missing two night classes is not a good idea since that's a pretty large percentage of the class. So part of me is hoping that I don't get it. And if I don't get it, I think I'll send this paper off to TETA this year. So all hope won't be lost.

Wow, I am rambling on and on and on. I'm gonna shut the hell up and watch Project Runway.