I've been at work pretty much non-stop the past few days. I worked Thursday morning, Friday night, and then all day yesterday. I was so tired by the time yesterday was over since by that point I'd worked three shifts in a row and working a double would have been tiring even if I hadn't already worked seven hours the night before. I work out a lot and I'm in pretty good shape right now, but I really just can't handle what ended up being about twelve straight hours of standing and hustling around the restaurant. It took me over half an hour to fall asleep last night because I couldn't get into a position where my legs weren't aching.
But I did end up making a pretty good amount of money in the past three days, which is good 'cause my bank account was down to less than $200 and that was stressing me out. (Incidentally, I'm kind of weird about money and always start panicking that I'm about to run out of money even though I a) have a steady income and have yet to actually ever go over my monthly budget b) have a credit card with a $1400 limit that has only $40 charged on it at the moment and c) have a decent amount of money in stocks that I could always tap into if I needed to. I don't know why the hell I'm like this, but I try to curb my money-worrying side as much as possible). As soon as I deposit this weekends' money my bank account will be back in a range I'm comfortable with, and since the status on my scholarship check is currently "in process" I should be getting that check any day now, which will make me feel even better.
There were a couple of notable events concerning the men in my life (or not in my life, as is the case lately) this weekend. First, I got an actual phone call from the Ex-Who's-Not-Mike. We ended up talking for an hour, and it was kind of nice, actually. Having been so close with Mike again this past year makes me realize fully exactly how un-close me and the Ex are. It's hard to explain what I mean, exactly, other than what I've already explained in this blog before. Conversation with him is decent and fun but it's just not the same. Part of it is that he's just so cryptic all the time, even when it's not necessary at all. I remember when we were dating-but-not-dating he'd sometimes be all worked up about "a friend" and "a certain situation" and it would take half an hour of questions on my part before I finally got the who/where/what happened details and sometimes even then it still remained mostly a mystery. It was sort of like dating Tony Soprano. So yeah, part of the issue is that he's just kind of vague a lot of the time, but there's something else lacking that I can't quite put my finger on. Still, it was good catching up tonight.
The thing is, he said he wants to come down and visit me, and I just don't know. I can see how spending the weekend together would be kind of fun. We could have a nice dinner somewhere, go tear it up on 6th Street...but from there it gets vague. I can't wrap my mind around the idea of anything beyond just dinner and drinks. Because honestly, that part does sound fun. We really do have a good time together. But I just can't even envision myself sleeping with him at this point and if he came down here I think that could possibly end up happening. Because I can't imagine sleeping with him, but I also can't imagine a scenario in which I was like, "Here's a blanket, there's the couch, see you in the morning." As much as I want to believe he's just wanting to make an effort at staying in my life and staying friends with me--and there was certainly nothing in tonight's conversation that was remotely sexual--I have a feeling he wouldn't be wanting to come all the way to Austin just for dinner and drinks. Plus so much of our friendship and relationship has always been based on physical chemistry and even though I really do think that has faded significantly if not completely on my end, I can't honestly say what would happen if both of us started drinking together. So yeah. I really thought all of this was over completely, and now I'm just not sure that this is a can of worms I want to open again. I need to give it some thought. Still, it's nice to know he honestly does miss me, I suppose. As happy as I get when I think I've finally found closure on a relationship, I guess deep down I also kind of like it when I know a guy is carrying a torch for me. Who wouldn't like that?
More importantly, I heard from Mike this weekend. He sent me an instant message saying that he's respecting my decision not to talk but that he misses talking to me a lot. And then he added, "You don't have to respond to this, I'm just letting you know." And my reaction to that one little message was so visceral. I didn't realize exactly until that moment just how desperately I was wanting the validation that he misses me just as much as I miss him, and how scared I was that this entire month I've been missing him in the back of my mind and he hasn't been thinking of me at all. But now I know that he does miss me, that he says he couldn't possibly NOT miss me. We talked briefly. I could say so much about our tiny little conversation, but I'm not going to do it here. It's too complicated, and I need to leave a few things just for myself, I guess. I told him I still need a little more time, but I really do want to start talking to him again. I need to, and I will. I just need to keep replaying worst case scenarios in my head over and over again for a few more days just so I am positive that I know for sure what I might be getting myself in for if we start talking regularly again. And then I guess I'll just hope for one of the better possible scenarios and jump back into our friendship again. It's all I can really do at this point.
But for now I'm off to Houston for four days of family fun. I'm looking forward to the beds and the huge bathtub at the Four Seasons (assuming it's anything like the one I've stayed at here in Austin, which it should be), a massage, working out at the spa, wearing my new bathing suit at the hotel pool, shopping at the Galleria, hopefully hanging out with Matthew, going to a nice restaurant or two, watching the Cubbies play some baseball, hanging out in the hotel lobby and whoring myself out to said Cubbies (if my brother has his way, that is). It should be a fun week. I'm taking my laptop with me so if there's internet access at the hotel I may update at some point. Otherwise, have a good week everybody!
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