Word Cloud

So I just did a word cloud. Have you heard of this? You give this program the URL to your blog and then it picks out words you use often (I guess) and makes this little word cloud that I guess is supposed to show you what you're writing a lot about.
I can't figure out how to give you the link to my cloud, otherwise I would. I'm surprised because you can look at that word cloud and actually see very accurately what my life has revolved around for the past five months. I'd like to do this again after a year or so to see what has changed. Very interesting, this word cloud.
There's not much surprising about mine. The words bar, Cohen, Chelsea, Mike, crazy, night, people, paper, theatre, think, and work feature prominently. My own name is also prominently featured, which makes me seem really self absorbed, but I'm pretty sure that only happened because this journal automatically signs my name to all of my entries. Love and hate are the same size, which kinda surprised me. I tend to think of myself as a pretty content person, but when I really think about it I guess I do have to admit I kinda hate a lot of things. Facts and family, girls and guys, home. Reason, lots about school and work, relationship. Alone. Awesome. Bed (haha).
I think the thing that most surprised me about the word cloud were the words best and better. That stood out to me because I've recently realized exactly how ambitious I am. Mike pointed out to me the other day that I need to relax more. All I ever do is think about the future and make plans for things I want to happen and then I get stressed out when things don't go according to plan. But the thing is, I don't know how to be any other way. I'm afraid if I don't at least try to make plans and try to get a jumpstart on my career and try to come up with a life plan A, a life plan B, and as a worst-case scenario a life plan C then my whole life is going to slip by and suddenly I'll be fifty years old and I'll have done nothing. I can't help the way I am. I'm ambitious, and I'm a planner, and ultimately that's both a blessing and a curse. I think that my personality has the potential to make me successful, but I'm scared that I also have the potential to really burn myself out. I can't stand to not make plans. Even if I'm making hypothetical plans for things that may never happen I still have to plan because it stresses me out too much not to do it. But clearly making plans just stresses me out, too. Who knew I was such a worrier?
Anyway, I just want to wrap this up by saying I've been in a much better mood lately. I still get sort of sad once a day or so, but I'm not all worked up all the time anymore. Honestly, more than anything right now I'm just bored! I realized the other night that I've pretty much never been single since I started dating at the age of seventeen. Oh, I've technically been "single" for years, but not single like this. I was always at least somewhat involved with somebody. This is the first time in my life since I began dating that I'm not involved in any sort of relationship at all whatsoever. There is a definite benefit to this. Namely, if someone asks if I have a boyfriend I can simply say "No" instead of the awkward "sort of...it's complicated." Finally having a definite answer to that question is nice for a change (even though obviously I'd rather the answer be "Yes"). The good thing about it is that I can finally be completely open to anything that comes along. If I were to meet a good guy right now I could actually start a normal relationship without having to figure out how I really feel about so-and-so and tying up a bunch of loose ends first. That's a good feeling.
The problem with not being in any relationship at all whatsoever? It's fucking boring! Why didn't anyone warn me how boring this would be? I don't even have anybody to have a crush on right now, and there is a definite possibility that weeks and weeks could go by without any real flirting (and don't even get me started on the lack of sex). On the bright side, this is helping me to focus on other important things like school and exercise and basset hounds. On the other hand, it's SO DAMN BORING! You know what I miss more than anything? I used to get excited when I got a text message or my phone would ring, 'cause there was always the possibility that it was a fun guy and something exciting might happen. Now when my phone rings I can tell you exactly who it's going to be: a) my parents, b) Chelsea, c) Kymberli, d) Mandi, e) Jenny (but she always warns me on the instant messenger when she's about to call me, so that doesn't really count), f) Matthew, g) someone from one of my grad classes or directing shows wanting to talk about assignments and rehearsals and maybe something fun but probably just school stuff, h) one of the kids working in the box office who has somehow managed to screw up the simplest job ever. That's it. Those are more or less the only options. I enjoy hearing from all of those people, don't get me wrong (well, except the box office kids, I actually wish they would never call again), but I already miss the days when the phone was actually exciting.
Anyway, I need to go write this stupid play I'm working on, so I'll talk to you later. Keep your fingers crossed that someone interesting shows up on the scene soon, just so that I'll be easier to deal with. Ha.