Ugh

Just finished my stage management project!! Now all I have to do is finish my directing prompt book and I'm done with this semester. And I just checked grades and I officially have an A in both of the classes I already finished. Now I'm going to be really, really angry at myself if I don't get the 4.0 since the two classes I have to finish this week are both undergraduate/graduate mix classes, and if I can't get an A in a class that's basically an undergrad class, I have problems.

In other news, not to be alarmist, but I think I'm bleeding internally. I called my grandpa the doctor and through an assessment of my symptoms from 800 miles away he assures me that I am not in fact bleeding internally, but something is definitely wrong. I don't care to go into any details about why exactly I think I might be bleeding internally, but my body is conspiring to freak me the fuck out this evening. If I never update about this again it means it ended up actually being nothing, which I hope is the case. But I'm documenting it here because don't you enjoy stories about me being a total hypochondriac?

To change the subject completely, I HATE the Black Eyed Peas song about humps and lovely lady lumps. I realize I'm months and months late in making this statement, but I suddenly feel that it needs to be said. I do not want anything on my body being described as a lump. Or a hump for that matter. Hump implies hunchback in my mind, which is possibly why the song horrifies me so much. I get this mental image of a chick with a hunched back standing at a dark bar and thursting her hips around while guys stare at her hunchback and wonder what she's gonna do with all those breasts inside her shirt. The whole thing just grosses me out.

Also, I hate feeling jealous. I hardly ever feel jealous, but when I do it makes me physically sick. It makes me feel like someone is stabbing a knife into my gut and twisting it and simultaneously my chest starts aching and I get a bitter taste in my mouth. It's bad. I wish I didn't have such a visceral reaction to jealousy, especially since when I do get jealous it's always over the most ridiculous things. Like, I can watch a guy I like kiss another girl and that might upset me a bit, but not so much that I feel the jealousy. But the same guy can utter a phrase as simple as, "She's a lot of fun, I really like talking to her," and immediately my chest constricts. Why? Why does that happen? And why does it not happen every time? I never can tell what's going to upset me and what isn't, because half the time I can listen to guys I like talk about other girls all day long and nothing, and then other times out of the blue it will almost make me cry. And yet I'm a total masochist about it, too, because sometimes I specifically ask about stuff that I know is probably going to upset me, just because I'd rather be upset about something than be left in the dark about anything that's going on. Anyway, whenever I feel jealous I just end up getting mad at myself and feeling like I'm being stupid. And I know it's a normal feeling and I should just let myself experience it and be done with it, but I have a hard time accepting that an emotion that makes me feel so sick can possibly be healthy.

Well, this entry has certainly been full of hate, hasn't it? To make it more balanced, here are some things I love:
1) My Christmas lights
2) Sitting on the couch the way I am right now, with the basset hound draped over my feet keeping my toes warm and the cat curled up on my lap with his head resting on the keyboard.
3) Paul Simon singing about diamonds on the soles of their shoes.
4) The fact that this semester is over the day after tomorrow.
5) My grandpa for not mocking me when I call him panicked because I'm afraid I might be bleeding internally.
6) The peppermint chocolate covered cherries they sell for Christmas
7) The Street of Lights. So strange, so fun, so Austin.
8) This sudden feeling that I'll ultimately end up in a really good place, even if I don't know exactly what that place is yet.

How sappy. Time for me to go try to re-load my Musicmatch Jukebox and do some more work on my promptbook. Good night.