So I'm online right now taking my TABC certification class. Clearly, I'm paying attention and dutifully watching each and every stupid video on responsibly serving alcohol and preventing my customers from drinking to the point of intoxication.
I always love the scripts for these sort of things. They're so cheesy. How hard would it be to write a script for a training video that actually sounds like real people talking and yet still gets the point across?
I did one of these online things last week to get my food handler's card and it was equally stupid, but at least I was able to get through that one really quickly. It was supposed to take an hour and a half but since it was all just files that you read and I read quickly, I was done in twenty minutes. (Uh, I'm not THAT much of a speed reader, they just must have estimated the time based on the slowest reader on the planet). Unfortunately, this one is supposed to take four hours and its mostly videos and the program won't let you skip ahead so I have to actually sit through each painfully stupid video.
Here's my other pet peeve about this class: it starts with a pre-test, which if I remember correctly is the exact same test you take to get your certification at the end of the course. I got an 88 on the pre-test, and you only need a 70 to pass. Why, if I can pass the pre-test, do I have to sit through the entire four hour class?! Clearly I already know most of this crap.
I already know this crap because a) I'm the daughter of a restaurant and bar owner so I was pretty darn familiar with alcohol laws long before I ever started working, b) any semi-educated person with any sort of experience with multiple choice tests could probably guess correctly on enough of the questions to pass, and c) I already took this course once before, to get certified when I was bartending in Fort Worth. Last time I took it I drank several margaritas while taking the course, just because I could and that sort of stupid minor subversion amuses me. I may continue the tradition and make myself a pina colada here in a little while, but for now I'll just blog to kill the time. Sigh. Why don't these certifications last longer than two years?
In other vaguely annoying news, I got an invitation today to a reception honoring the recipients of one of the scholarships I get. I get three scholarships total, and two of them sometimes have these schmoozy sort of events. Reception with the university president! Write a thank you letter to the committee so we can put it on a website to show our scholarship sponsors! Special program with the really wealthy couple that's providing your scholarship! I know I shouldn't bitch too much about these things. They usually only come up two or three times a year and that's a pretty small amount of effort to expend on my part considering I get a pretty decent amount of money in scholarships and once tuition has been paid more than half of that money goes directly into my pocket. Although my graduate assistantship does pay me a monthly salary, the amount I get from that wouldn't be enough to pay my living expenses AND cover my tuition, so it is because of these scholarships that I'm able to make a living as a student and not have any student loans. (Yes, it's true, I'm currently debt-free. No student loans over here. Hate if you want to, but rest assured I don't believe this situation will go on forever, as I can't really imagine that any school is going to want to pay me to get my doctorate.) So I know I should be very grateful for these scholarships and believe me, I am. I really am. But these reception things are always so painful. None of us scholarship recipients really know each other so we all just have to stand around for an hour and a half making awkward small talk and the food and drinks usually aren't anything worthwhile and usually some speaker says something cliche and we all try to stay just long enough so that it doesn't look bad when we leave. I kind of want to RSVP that I can't go, but I know I should. I figure I'll do all the schmoozy stuff this semester just to guarantee that I still get my money in the spring, but come spring, forget about it. I'm outta here.
Finally, I know he pretends to get mad when I see him and don't write about it, so I should mention that Matthew! was in town last night. He and Amanda and I went out and once again had crap service at Chilis. Matthew and I have decided we can't eat or drink at Chilis together anymore since both of us seem to have decent service whenever we're there with other people but this is now the third time we've had terrible service at Chilis when we've been together.
Unfortunately, Amanda and Matthew once again failed to actually make out, although Matthew did tell his mother about his "girlfriend" Amanda and his mother is now pretending to be convinced that Matthew is bi. And we had the following conversation, just one of many that made me laugh last night:
Me: I don't care so much about getting married, honestly. I mean, I'd really like it to happen, but I'm also not going to do it unless the guy is really amazing. I'd rather be alone than be in a half-ass relationship. But I am really serious about wanting to be a mom, though. If I'm pushin' forty and I still don't have any kids, I'll adopt or get a sperm donor or do whatever I need to do to make that happen.
Amanda: Or sleep with a friend.
Me: I could do that.
Matthew: Well, I don't know about that, but I'd father your children.
Me: Ooh, you could totally father my children! We'd have cute kids.
Matthew: We'd have really cute babies!
Amanda: And then I'll be Aunt Amanda!
Me: Oh lord, my poor child is going to be so screwed up! "Honey, I'm your mama, and this is Auntie Matthew, your gay biological father. And this is Aunt Amanda, the gay sperm donor's girlfriend!" How am I ever going to explain the family?!
Personally, I think that would be a pretty good little family, actually. After all, Cohen is "nephew" to both of them right now and he seems to be turning out just fine.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment