Lonely?

So, I was talking to Mike tonight about how we've been getting so close again within the past couple of months, and he hypothesized that maybe one of the reasons we're getting close again is that I'm lonely here and since I don't know many people I end up talking to him a lot more than I did when I was in Fort Worth and had any number of people to call and hang out with when I was feeling even remotely bored.

The thing is, I know he should be right. For all intents and purposes I probably should be feeling lonely here. The majority of my social interaction here happens before, in, and after class or with all of the people that work for me in the box office. Beyond that I hang out with my sister and brother in Austin, I make small talk with my neighbors and the people I've met at the dog park with Cohen, and Matthew and I go out together every once in a while. I went from a life in Fort Worth where it wasn't a weekend unless there had been a crazy night at the bar or a theme party and even on slow social weeks I was going out at least twice a week, to here where I actually dress up and go out two, maybe three times a month. The majority of my truly meaningful social interaction takes place over the phone with people that live elsewhere. All of that should probably make me sad, but it doesn't.

I feel very content here. For the first time since middle school I actually feel like I'm getting enough sleep most days (even when I'm "tired" now it's nowhere near the complete brain-fog exhaustion I felt so many mornings in high school and college). I enjoy my classes and after a semester that has been successful so far I feel pretty smart most days. I take a lot of walks and get a lot of exercise. I'm being good to myself in a way I haven't been in a long, long time. Even though most of the people I know here are still just acquaintances at this point, I can walk into the theatre building now and have people say, "Hi, Ashley!" I can sit with my fellow grad students and feel comfortable bitching about other people, which is a test of friendship for me. Ha. If I really need something, I feel like there are people I could call who would help me. I guess if I'm totally honest with myself I sometimes (much less often than one might think) feel a small pang of jealousy when I talk to Jenny or Mike or Kymberli or whoever and they are on their way out to meet friends at the bar, but oddly enough I just don't think of that sort of thing as part of my life here. I don't miss it because it just wouldn't fit somehow. Which is not to say I'm never gonna have a wild night at the bar again, just that I no longer feel unfulfilled without it.

The annoying thing is, I feel like I'm constantly having to justify my happiness to other people. I'm doing it right here in my own journal for god's sake! I'm perfectly happy with my life until someone else asks me if I did anything exciting over the weekend, or whether or not there are any interesting guys here. And then suddenly I feel inadequate, like I should invent some kind of guy drama just to make my life sound more interesting, or like I have to rationalize the fact that I really don't have much of a social life by explaining just how much hard work this masters program is and how I literally don't have time to go out anymore. Which is kind of true many weeks, but not always. Lord knows I could squeeze in time to go out and party hard if I really wanted to. But I don't want to. Not very often, anyway. It's sort of like when I first moved into the dorms when I was a freshman in college and some nights I would just want to lie in bed with a magazine but I didn't feel like I could do that because every single time I tried someone would be knocking on my door with a pitying look, asking if I wanted to come down to someone else's room to hang out so I wouldn't be lonely. I guess it's hard for other people to relate to someone who is as naturally introverted as I am. People who need other people to feel satisfied don't understand someone like me who can have one twenty minute conversation a day and honestly consider that enough social interaction. I get a lot more than that, and I don't want to imply that I don't appreciate all of my friends and love spending time with them because I do. I never regret the times I actually do go out and interact with the world. But in terms of sheer need, I don't really NEED many people. Friendships are a nice added bonus of life, but I don't need a ton of them. Two or three people who truly "get" me are all I've ever really needed. Maybe this is exactly why it does take me so long to warm up to get really close to new people. After all, I can't say I'm really desperately seeking them out.

Like I said, the only thing that bothers me about my current lifestyle is that I feel as though other people must find me extremely boring. And I wish I didn't care about that, but like I said, it's hard to justify to other people that I really am satisfied when I realize that to an observer my life must seem exceedingly dull.

Oh well. I'll be "exciting" when I'm on vacation in Fort Worth and have bar-hopping buddies. I may even be somewhat exciting when I'm in El Paso. But right here, right now, I just don't want to do anything more than what I'm doing. And I personally don't see what's wrong with that. Maybe someday I'll get bored with this and start seeking out more social interaction. But until then, I don't want people feeling bad for me. Just because my current lifestyle wouldn't make an interesting reality television show doesn't mean it isn't perfectly satisfying for me. And if I do eventually get really bored and lonely, I'll let you all know so you can save me.