I Wanna Know What Love Is...

What is it like to fall in love for a second time?

I really want to know. This is not a hypothetical question. I know that some people that read this have been in more than one very serious relationship, and if you are okay with sharing your experience with me, please do. I really do want to know someone else's experience with this.

'Cause see, it hasn't happened to me. I've only been in love once. I've only had one very serious relationship. I guess technically I've had two long-term relationships, but although the second one was long-lasting (almost 3 years of anything is definitely long-term) it was certainly always based pretty much on sex rather than on any sort of serious emotional connection and it was never a completely committed relationship, either. So there was definitely something in that second relationship, but not something I ever recognized or defined as real love. And any other relationship I've been in has been either completely physical and not emotional AT ALL (physical intimacy does not always equal love in my book, not even remotely) or has fizzled before either of us got too involved emotionally. So in terms of a serious, committed relationship based on mutual love and respect, I've only done that once.

And I was standing in the laundry room this afternoon folding my towels when it suddenly hit me: I kind of hate the idea that it's possible to have more than one real love.

I mean, in some ways it's a very liberating feeling. Just because I loved one person immensely, he's not necessarily the only person that I will ever love. This is a very reassuring feeling in the case of a break up, or the death of a loved one.

But in some ways I also just hate it. Because the way I see it right now, it seems like being able to be truly in love with more than one person devalues the emotion. Why is the love two people share so special and important if they can each find the exact same feeling of true love from someone else?

So how does it work? I'm sure it will happen for me again one of these days and I'll be able to figure it out for myself, but if you already know how it has worked out for you, could you give me a hint?

'Cause right now, I can't even imagine it. Is it sort of like having more than one child? Like, instead of transferring your love from old boyfriend to new you just get sort of an overall increase of love in your soul and you completely and entirely love the new person while still maintaining love for the old person? Like, it's a slightly different variation on your personal understanding of "love" but it's no worse or better than the love you felt for your last boyfriend?

Or do you absolutely have to devalue the love you once felt in order to fall in love again? Like, once I fall in love again will I automatically re-evaluate the relationship I had with Mike and recategorize it as something else like, say, puppy love, or will I go around saying things like, "I thought Mike was my true love until I met X and, wow, it turns out I had no IDEA what love really was until I met X!"? Because I really dislike that idea. Maybe it's just that I dislike being wrong, but I hate the idea that someday every deep feeling and soul connection (ha, how cheesy) I felt with Mike will turn out to have been not so very important and earth shattering after all. In that sense I'd like to be able to truly fall in love more than once, because I hate the idea that everything that has happened in my love life so far hasn't been the real thing.

Or do you think you really only get to fall in love once, and if I'm correct in thinking that I have already found true love once in my life, am I totally screwed and for the rest of my life will every other relationship I'm in just be a form of settling for second-best? I hate this idea most of all, but in order for this NOT to be true, won't I invariably have to devalue my relationship with Mike?

I guess maybe I already know that in order to fall in love again I'll have to admit that I wasn't truly in love before, or that I was but that old love wasn't as good or important as the current love. Which is sort of a hurtful feeling when my ex is in love with someone else and I'm currently not. I guess I've been devalued.

And hey, I accept that. I accept that because I'm optimistic enough to believe that I'll fall in love again, too (or TRULY fall in love for the first time, or whatever) and it will all work out evenly in the end. Just 'cause I wasn't the first to fall in love again and move on doesn't mean that it won't ever happen.

I guess what I'm saying is, I hate the idea of devaluing an old relationship for the sake of a new one, and I'd like someone to tell me it doesn't necessarily work that way. Then again, I'd like to know truthfully how it works and if that IS how it worked for you, then I'd like to know. So if you have first hand experience with having been in love more than once, or thinking you were in love the first time around and then having all your ideas of love totally blown out of the water by your next serious relationship, or whatever, please share. I'm just curious. Don't feel like you need to post in a comment, either, if you don't want to. I'd love thoughts on this by e-mail, too (AllieDream@aol.com or my "real" e-mail if you know that one, I'd rather not post it here since it uses my full name and it's also a spam-free address right now and I'd like to keep it that way). Consider this sort of an informal poll I'm conducting here. Also realize I don't ask for advice/tips much, so you people should be flattered!

Anyway, I don't know why I'm thinking about this today. To be totally honest in a too-much-information sort of way, it's probably because I'm in PMS mode right now and I tend to get all contemplative and emotional when I'm PMS-ing (which I guess is preferable to getting all irritable and rageful...I guess).

Also, don't think of this as any indication of my feelings about Mike right now. My feelings about my love life in general are actually very healthy at the moment. I kind of feel like I'm on the brink of something new, which is I guess why I'm wondering about all this in the first place. Given, whatever "new" thing is in my future is still a total unknown at this point, it's just a bit of intuition I've had lately. Intuition that could be totally and completely WRONG. Still, I'd rather lean towards optimism than pessimism.
The other day in class I said something to Liz and she retorted, "It's always 'Look on the bright side!' with you, isn't it?!" And I promised to attempt to be more of a pessimist while we're rooming together.* But actually, she's right. I'd much rather find the silver lining than focus on the rain.

*Liz has also informed me that "common sense has no place here". I think I'm in trouble...