Reaching Out to Embrace the Random

Moving Day

2007-05-15T22:48:00.000-06:00

Well, I have my MA now, and that means it's time to move on to my new identity.

The new blog is all spruced up and ready for business with three whole entries waiting for you at:

http://psychelogical.blogspot.com

Hope you all move with me and start reading over there!

I Did It!

2007-05-12T21:54:00.000-06:00

Today was my graduation day! [I had a friend in high school who spent the entire week prior to the big day referring to it as "gradu-madu-ficuation" and now every single time I think of the word "graduation" I think of his dumb word. It kind of drives me crazy, but I cannot get my brain to stop making that association no matter what I do.]

I'm glad I decided to walk and attend the ceremony even though my family couldn't be here to see me do it. I'm glad I did it for myself and to be with my other friends who were graduating. Being at the ceremony helped me to acknowledge that it IS a big deal to get your masters degree. This whole graduation has been feeling sort of like just one more step to me, one of the many things I have to do on the path to the Ph.D. As a result of the fact that half of my mind is already on the east coast and I'm already feeling so focused on the work I'm going to have to do in the future, I keep sort of forgetting that becoming an MA is a big deal in and of itself. Not a whole lof of people in the world get a masters degree, and of course I'm scared that I never will get the Ph.D., and if that's the case this degree will become even more important to me than it already is. So I needed the chance to slow down for a second and go, "Wow, I did two years of work to earn this", and today helped me to do that.

I'm also glad that I went to the ceremony because they recognized several of my achievements. I think when I graduated at TCU they just had everyone that was graduating with honors stand up and be recognized, but I don't think you weren't recognized individually other than having some sort of mark by your name in the program. Well, they do it differently here and they announce "summa cum laude, magna cum laude", etc. after the name of every undergrad earning honors. They also announce the recipients of the most prestigious school-wide scholarships. So when I picked up my name/number card this morning, my name had this LIST after it. The guy next to me in line was like, "Wow, are you going to read something?" and I laughed and said, "I'm not, but I guess somebody is!" And sure enough, when it was my turn to get my hood and walk across the stage to get my diploma, they said my name and then followed it up with, "Ms. D is an X Classic Scholar, an X Foundation Scholar, and the recipient of the 2007 award for Outstanding Graduate Student in the Department of Fine Arts." It was quite the little spiel. The dean hooded me, I got my diploma from the president, I walked across the stage and shook hands with everyone on the other side, and they were STILL rambling on about me. I'm proud of myself, sure, but I was also thinking to myself, "Oh my lord, how pretentious do I sound right now?" Especially when absolutely nobody else had more than two item mentioned after his/her name. Nobody else had a freakin' list. You'd think that SOMEBODY would be as big a nerd as me but no, apparently not. Apparently I win.
The most fun thing about graduation was that I got a front row seat since they graduate all the masters students first and my name is at the beginning of the alphabet. I was the seventh person to graduate today, which was nice because everyone was still really excited then and no one was bored yet. (The thing is, they got through this graduation ceremony extremely quickly. I remember my last graduation just drug on and on and on and by the end I was overheated and had a terrible headache and couldn't wait to get out of there. This morning, right about the time I thought to myself, "Okay, this is boring", it was over! Sweet.) The other benefit of the front row was that I got to critique everyone's shoes as they walked across the stage. The guy next to me was taking bets on whether or not each girl would fall in her heels. And I have to say, there are some really terrible shoes out there right now. When did Lucite become an acceptable material for Saturday morning shoes? Because I don't care what Marie Claire is telling me, Lucite still screams "stripper stacks" to me and always will.

So yes. It was a big day for me. I'm a master! Now it's onward and upward to the Ph.D.!

The Final Countdown

2007-05-09T17:15:00.000-06:00

I'm graduating in three days! And I found out today that I got my 4.0! Like I said, nobody will really ever know that since I can't imagine it coming up much in casual conversation, ("So, what was YOUR GPA in your masters program? Oh, really? That's so interesting!") but it makes me feel proud.

Life has been fantastic lately, which is why I haven't posted in a whole week. I get pretty neglectful of the blog when I'm busy having fun. Thursday night was grad student dinner #1, where we invited some of our profs to have dinner and drinks with us at the local Irish pub. The other grad students gave little going away presents to the graduates. Kelly got a ponytail holder with our mascot on it, Amanda got earrings featuring our mascot (called "spirit ears", humorously enough) and I got a shot glass with the school name on the front and lines on the back labeled Freshman, Sophomore, Junior, Senior, and Grad. Richie helpfully pointed out that there's not a line for Ph.D. and therefore I'll have to fill the shot glass to the very brim. Let's not think too much about what the fact that the other girls got accessories and I got a SHOT GLASS says about me. Hahaha.
On Friday Mandi, Richie, Debbie and I took off for the weekend and spent a couple of days in Galveston. It was basically the most perfect weekend ever. I laughed from the car ride on Friday afternoon (where I literally cried with laughter--real tears, running down my face!) until 9:30 on Sunday night when we were fifteen miles from home playing MASH in the car and I determined that Debbbie's future pet is going to be a hammerhead shark. I think Galveston is more than worthy of its own entry, so as soon as I get a good stretch of free time I'll tell you all about it, although frankly I think only about 1/10th of the fun of the weekend is actually going to come across in writing.
Last night we had grad student dinner #2, where we all went up to Austin and had dinner at a nice Vietnamese/Indian restaurant and then we came back down here and hung out at John's house for a few hours. I had to say goodbye to the guys that live in Austin since I doubt I'll see them again before I move.
Tonight I'm going out for dinner and drinks with Debbie, Richie, and hopefully some of the rest of the group since Richie is leaving tomorrow to go home to Canada for the summer. I'm going to miss him so much. Luckily he and his fiancee are supposed to be in New York at the beginning of August for a concert, and since I'll (hopefully) have moved by then I'm hoping that I'll be able to make a trip to the city and see him then and meet his boyfriend for the first time.
I know I'm going to cross paths again with all of my grad school friends, hopefully many times. The world of academic theatre is pretty small. Still, I'm going to miss us all being in the same place. I'm going to miss it a lot.

There are still a few more fun things planned. Friday I think I'm going to throw some sort of graduation party/sleepover (since we graduate at 9:30 AM, ugh!), and tomorrow Chelsea, her boyfriend, and me and a few of my friends are supposed to go tubing on the river if it doesn't rain.
I'm technically supposed to work tomorrow, but I'm so fed up with Applebees right now that I'm going to call in sick and they can just deal with it since I've had to deal with way too much of their stupid mis-scheduling shit lately. I'm always having to fix their problems and I'm tired of it. I've never missed a shift in ten months and I'm a good employee so I am hoping that will work in my favor. And I figure if they want to fire me tomorrow it's really no big deal. I don't honestly think they will fire me since we're horribly understaffed right now and I know they really need me to work my shift on Sunday for Mother's Day. So I'm kind of gambling that they need me badly enough that they'll put up with me calling in sick tomorrow because they really need me for the weekend. But like I said, if they do decide to fire me it really makes no difference to me at all. They're just screwing themselves. I'm only supposed to be working until next Friday anyway, so I'd really only be missing out on four or five shifts at the very most. I don't need the money right now since I just got paid from my real job last week and I have another big paycheck coming June 1st, plus I'm about to go home and not have to pay rent or nearly as much for food/going out for a couple of months. And lord knows I don't need my dumbass managers to ever give me a good reference since I don't even list my Applebees job on my resume and I have enough good references elsewhere to get any restaurant or bar job I'll need in the future (P.S.-I really don't want to need another restaurant or bar job in the future...) So yeah. I'm not going to work tomorrow. I've never skipped out on a job before ever in my whole life, but I don't even feel all that guilty about doing it this time, that's how annoyed I am with the restaurant at this point. I guess I do feel sort of bad for the two waiters that will have to go it alone tomorrow morning, but I've had to do that plenty of times myself and they'll make more money that way anyway. So yeah.

Anyway, I need to go meet everyone for dinner. In short, I'm good. Excited. Happy.

I'll Post a Real Entry Again Someday

2007-05-02T22:27:00.000-06:00

...but in the meantime, here's the results of my Personal DNA quiz

Isn't it pretty? I found the results pretty accurate, too. The only thing that sort of bugged me is that the results describe me as "highly earthy" when what I think they really mean is "down-to-earth and/or grounded" since they have set earthy up as the opposite of imaginative/daydream-y. Earthy and down-to-earth are not the same thing. Or at least I've never considered them synonymous terms before.
Oh, and I also got a kick over how many times the results state that I am "not the least bit impulsive," which is completely and utterly true. I'm pretty much the least impulsive person I know, and the only time I impulsively do anything at all is when someone else is basically forcing me to do it. Ha.

I reserved my move today. A company is going to deliver two storage cubes to my apartment on May 30th and then on the 31st they're going to move my stuff in the cubes to D.C., where they'll wait for me for a couple of months. This is nice because it means when I have to drive 3-5 days in July/early August I won't be doing it in a U-Haul. I can't believe it is already less than a month until my move. I think I'm kind of in denial about the fact that this is actually happening, and soon.

Ten Days Until Graduation!

2007-05-01T23:36:00.000-06:00

I took my last test as an MA student tonight! Frankly, the test kind of sucked and I feel like my professor will read two out of my four essays and shake her head and sigh in disappointment at the fact that I really phoned it in the last half of this semester. Hopefully she'll like the other two essays, though, and since I calculated my average and realized last night that I only need to get a 55 on the test to get my "A" in the class, I'm pretty positive I'm going to get that "A". Because I may not have written nicely flowing, detailed essays, but I certainly did enough to get a passing grade on the test. So I'm finished!

You would think I would have something profound to say about the end of my time here, but I don't. Not yet, at least. It was kind of weird saying goodbye to my professor tonight since I don't think I'll see her again any time soon. She does winter graduation, not spring graduation, and she can't make it to our dinner party on Thursday night. I'm going to miss her. She was my mentor and main advisor here, she is the one that convinced me to apply to Ph.D. programs even though I wasn't sure I would be able to get in, she was the one that made me feel confident about my scholarship while also pushing me to take it further. Tonight I hugged her goodbye after the test and promised her that I would do my best to keep in touch even though I'm terrible at it, and she told me, "Well, I'll still be seeing you at conferences." Conferences! I'm going to have to start going to a lot more conferences! If I stick this out and get through, she and I are eventually going to be colleagues. Wow. I don't know why, at the age of 24, I'm still constantly surprised to discover that I am in fact an adult, but it still catches me off guard every single time.

And now to change the subject entirely...There's a lot I could write about this. At the same time, I don't feel like I can properly articulate everything I want to say right now. Other people have already done it much better than I have anyway. All I can say is that fortunately, I have yet to be in a position where I needed to have this option. But if you need to be convinced that there are HUGE problems in this latest Supreme Court decision, I can point you to plenty of extremely compelling stories. Most importantly, I am afraid that this is the first step down a slippery slope that will ultimately lead to abortions once again becoming illegal in this country. And that scares me. It scares me for myself, it scares me for my future daughters/nieces.
I realize that some of you may be adamantly pro-life. I realize that this is an extremely polarizing topic, and it is not my job to convince you to see my pro-choice point of view right now. With that said, I'm also not going to apologize for being pro-choice. It is a decision I have put a lot of thought into, a decision I am proud of, and a decision I feel comfortable discussing, if you would like to do so one of these days. Or we can just agree to disagree. I realize pro-lifers aren't necessarily crazy religious freaks with no sense of perspective or compassion for womens' lives, just like I hope they realize pro-choicers aren't necessarily callous sluts with no regard for babies' lives. Like I said, I'm not here to try to change anyone's mind tonight (not tonight anyway).
But if you are pro-choice, if you're concerned like I am, I'm going to suggest you sign the Planned Parenthood petition. I'm also going to suggest you pass it along to your mothers, sisters, and friends who will sign it. Hell, I even made two of my guy friends sign it just now. It's important. Clearly, we have all gotten too complacent about our rights.

Working Diligently

2007-04-30T21:36:00.000-06:00

On my coffee table at this moment:

The Riverside Shakespeare
An anthology of English Renaissance Drama
My class notebook
Us Weekly
A peanut butter cookie
This laptop with the screen open to Myspace and now Blogger

I wouldn't say the title of this post is entirely a lie, would you?

So, I've been thinking lately about maybe making my blog a bit more pseudonymous. At this point, it would be pretty easy to find me on the internet if you only knew the basics like my name and my field. The only thing I even remotely try to obscure is my location, but even that would be pretty easy to figure out if a reader really wanted to try. And the further I get down this whole "career path" thing, the more I feel like maybe I need to be a bit more cautious about allowing people to find this blog, particularly considering the fact that I'll probably be teaching students next year. I'd like to be big enough to not worry about it, I'd like to be able to just say, "Fuck 'em if they find this and can't handle what they read here, I don't write anything that I'm ashamed to admit in real life." And technically that's true. But I also write a lot about friends, using their real names, and I imagine eventually I'm going to want to write about colleagues and it would just be easier if I felt like I was doing it at least somewhat secretly.
I know it's the internet and by its very nature this blog is never going to be a "secret". That's why I have a personal journal, so that I can keep the truly private stuff private.
But I like keeping a blot, and I'd like to continue to do it. And at this point, I feel like I can either write openly about my studies, my location, my new university, my friends, and my family and start being a bit more careful and cautious about what I'm saying, or I can take on some sort of pseudonym and make up names for people I want to write about a lot and for locations I mention often, and I can stop talking about what exactly it is I do---I can just be a Ph.D. candidate in an unknown field at an unknown university and leave it at that--and then I can write a lot more openly without worrying about the sticky situation of a student or mentor finding my blog.
I already went "undercover" on myspace and facebook for just that reason--I don't want students stumbling upon my profile online. It makes me a little bummed out to think that people that may be looking for me can't find me, but then again, I can find them if I really feel like I need them in my life, you know?
The other benefit to starting a new, more pseudonymous blog, would be that I could give the link to all the friends I'm leaving behind here and then they could stay in touch with me this way, as I already stay in touch with some of you, knowing that they wouldn't come across an entry I'd written about them on this blog that might make them upset (given, off the top of my head I can't think of a single mean thing I've written on this blog about anyone I know, but you never know what some people might interpret as mean or inappropriate).
And since I would have to start a whole new blog if I choose the option of going more under the radar (since this one has far too many identifying details at this point to go back and change them all) I could have a new layout. That's fun.
The cons to starting a new blog? Well, I'd hate abandoning this blog. This would be the second old blog of mine drifting around on the internet. The first one wasn't pseudonymous AT ALL, which is why I finally had to switch over to this one. I felt like I couldn't share that old link with anyone, and what's the point of keeping a journal on the internet if you honestly don't want anyone to read it but you and maybe your best friend (who already knows everything going on in your life anyway)? So I'd hate to have another dead blog out there, 'cause the internet has enough junk on it as it is. I also know, as an avid blog reader (seriously, it's something of an addiction), that I hate when I start reading through someone's archives and find out that their blog has actually existed for a very long time but I can't access any of the old posts anymore because they're at another now defunct site. And truthfully, I kind of hate pseudonyms, too. I admire bloggers who are out there writing under their professional names and not worrying about who might be reading them. Then again, I don't know a single person in academia who is blogging under their real name. The two academic blogs I read whose writers are "out of the closet", so to speak, use their blogs in a purely professional way to post show reviews, book reviews, or other academically-oriented things, and they write little if at all about their real lives. That's not what I want my blog to be.
The other thing about pseudonyms, though, is that I sometimes get frustrated reading those blogs because I spend every day waiting for them to drop a big hint so that I can figure out where they might live or what their job really is or whatever. Seriously, I get far too excited in a completely nerdy way when one of my favorite bloggers slips up and uses a real name instead of a nickname.
And see, I think that would be a problem for me. I think I could keep my identity under wraps for a while, but eventually I'd slip and use a real name. Plus theatre by its nature is so different from most other academic fields that it's going to be hard to keep my studies a secret unless I don't write about them at all, and that's just not going to happen. I'm going to want to write about shows I see, I'm going to want to write about any future productions I get involved with, and that's going to mean that people will know I study theatre. There's not really a way to hide my job, even if I want to.
But I suppose I can at least do a better job of hiding where I am and, more importantly, WHO I am. I think even if readers know what I study, as long as I don't get into my specific specialties too much it should be possible to still retain a pretty good degree of anonymity. I guess I don't mind people suspecting that they know whose blog this is, I just don't want it to be blatantly obvious.

Oh, and by the way, I do realize that a lot of my paranoia about people finding me online is ridiculous. I keep track of my hits (I'm watching you!) and have a pretty good idea of who is reading my nonsense at any given time. I know exactly who 80% of my readers are based on their location, and I have my assumptions about who the lurkers are 'cause at least I know where they're getting here from. So I know I'm mostly worrying about nothing since it's not like this site is even remotely high profile, and it never will be. Heck, it's not even low profile! I write this for my friends and family to be able to keep up with what I'm doing, and I intend for this blog to always have that function.

Still, I guess I'm leaning towards being safe rather than sorry, and I guess this is a roundabout way of saying I'll probably be "moving" again in a few weeks. I'll let this blog take me through the end of the MA, I think, and then I'll start up somewhere new with less identifying details. I'll probably even make up a dumb name for myself. I hate to do that, but even though I have a very common and hard to google name, I still think it's a pretty good bet that I'm one of the only people with my name working on a Ph.D. in theatre.

So yeah. Consider this a warning of changes to come. And yes, I'll post the new link when I move. Obviously I want you to move with me, if you have actually been bothering to read my rants and raves so far.

Cohen Likes Mike and Ikes

2007-04-29T17:02:00.000-06:00

What am I doing right now, you ask?
Well, I'm not reading the four (count 'em, four!) plays I need to read between now and Tuesday night's final exam. I don't know how I got so far behind on my reading the second half of the semester. I guess I really have been pretty slacktastic for the past three weeks. I managed to get through class discussions just by skimming online plot summaries, but now I feel like I actually need to read the plays I just read summaries of before. The thing is, I think I can skip this test entirely and still pass the class. And technically that's all I need to do at this point, just pass so I can graduate. I already got accepted into a Ph.D. program, and I can't imagine my GPA in my MA program is going to be a huge deciding factor in any future job applications I may fill out years from now when I'm on the market for a teaching job (assuming I make it to that point) so I can take a "C" in this class and it really doesn't matter. The thing is, it matters to my pride. If I can get an "A" in this class, then that means my GPA here will have been a perfect 4.0 and that would be sort of cool, even though I'm the only one that would know about it (Well, and whoever is reading this. You would know about it, too, since I told you just now). I'm just having a hard time forcing myself to make the effort to study, though. This is the very last thing I will ever have to do for my MA, and I just can't manage to get excited about it. I guess I'm not really a sprint-for-the finish sort of person.
I'm also not vaccuuming my apartment right now, even though I need to do that. I cleaned the kitchen and bathroom last night and told myself I could quit if I would vacuum and dust the bedroom and living room today, but now I'm not in a cleaning mood. Part of my uncharacteristic lax attitude about cleaning is that I'm getting ready to move. A month from tomorrow I'll be moving out of this apartment. Yikes! About two weeks from now I'll start packing. And I have to do intense cleaning when I move out anyway so I don't get charged for anything, so part of me is thinking, "Why clean now?" I mean, my apartment isn't actually dirty by any means, and it's still neat and organized and looks clean to the naked eye, so why bother? I'm just proud of myself for continuing to do my weekly housekeeping for this long, honestly. When I lived with Katy, we both stopped doing weekly cleaning around, oh, say, March, and we didn't actually move out of that apartment until AUGUST. I guess maybe I should vaccuum this week, though, since I won't be here to clean next weekend and by the weekend after that it will be getting too close to packing and chaos time to bother cleaning.
Speaking of moving, know what else I'm not doing right now? I'm not looking at apartments online, and I'm not comparing the cost of moving companies to figure out which one I should use. Looking at apartments online was just stressing me out, and I decided there's no point in looking online again until right before I go to [insert still undecided nickname for soon-to-be-hometown here] and attempt to find a place to lease. Stuff I like right now might not be available next month anyway, and I don't think there's a need to call an apartment locator to book an appointment this far in advance when most of the time you can just walk in and say, "I want to see some apartments". At least, that's how it works in Texas. As for moving companies, I think I have pretty much convinced my dad that using one of those storage pod companies is worth the extra cost because it will be so much more convenient. (Yes, my dad is paying my moving fees. I'm lucky.) So I may actually get to pack and unpack only once!
I'm not thinking too much about packing yet, but when I do think about it I just confuse myself. I went home to El Paso for my first two summers of college, so twice I packed pretty much everything I owned into a storage unit for the summer and took home only what I needed for three months. I'm doing the exact same thing this time (minus one month, plus one cross-country move, but whatever, close enough). The thing is, the last time I did that was four years ago and I no longer remember how I did it. I felt like I always had tons of clothes at home for the summer, but surely I must have just taken what fit in my two suitcases, right? Did I take home all of my jewelry? Is it worth taking home some of my books or am I fooling myself when I say I'm going to spend the summer brushing up on my theory so I'm ready for the Ph.D. classes (answer: probably)? Did I put all of my shower gel and lotion and stuff into storage for the summer and just borrow my mom's stuff? How did I decide what shoes to bring home and what shoes to say goodbye to for an entire summer? What if I get home and realize the one thing I really, really need is locked in a storage unit 2,000 miles across the country? I hate moving and packing, have I mentioned that? Really? Oh, okay.

Anyway, that's all the stuff I'm not doing. What I have been doing lately is mostly fun, and fun things are happening in the very near future. I spent Friday lying out by the dam with Mandi and Debbie all afternoon and it was a wonderfully lazy day. On Friday night Mandi, Debbie, Richie and I went to our favorite restaurant in the next town over, a kind of touristy restaurant right on the river that has delicious food and great atmosphere. I've been watching my friends' directing scenes and going out for drinks with various friends a lot more often than usual lately (Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, and Friday night this week, and I would have gone out last night, too, except that the restaurant had been insanely busy all day and I got too worn out from working). This Thursday the core group of grad students and I are going to go out to dinner with two of our favorite profs (we decided to invite our three favorite professors out to dinner as sort of an end of the year celebration; two of them happily accepted our invitation but the third probably won't since she's the type that is extremely conscious-almost paranoid, in my opinion-about student/teacher boundaries, which is smart I guess). That should be fun. Then Mandi, Richie, Debbie and I are going to spend the weekend in Galveston. I'm really looking forward to it, and I'm hoping it won't rain this time so we can actually go to the beach. I didn't even SEE the beach when Mandi and I went a few weeks ago since it was so cold and rainy. They are my three favorite people in this program (and three of my favorite people ever, really) and it's going to be great to just relax together all weekend. It will be bittersweet too, though, since this will basically be our last big hurrah before Debbie goes to Stratford and then goes home to stay with her boyfriend for the summer and Richie goes to Canada until August and I go home to El Paso and then never come back. Sigh. Why do you always fall most deeply in love with a place right before it's time to leave it?
Anyway. I guess I should do that cleaning.

Top 100 of 2001

2007-04-26T17:51:00.000-06:00

Sorry for doing two memes in a row, but I don't have anything better to do and this one looks like it will be entertaining for me. (Maybe not for you, though. Sorry, you don't have to read it.)
Anyway, the point of this one is that you find the top 100 songs the year you graduated from high school and then you mark the ones you liked and the ones you didn't like.
I put the songs I like in bold and the songs I didn't like in italics. The ones that were "eh, take it or leave it" I left alone. And I wrote in brackets if I don't think I ever knew the song (or at least can't remember it anymore off the top of my head).

Incidentally, as I initially looked over this list I realized that a lot of these songs remind me more of my first semester of college than they do of my last semester of high school, but I guess that's the point since it was the year I graduated and I graduated in May...

1. Lady Marmalade Christina Aguilera, Lil' Kim, Mya & Pink
2. Fallin', Alicia Keys
3. I'm Real, Jennifer Lopez
4. Family Affair, Mary J. Blige
5. Butterfly, Crazy Town [Chelsea HATED this song and we used to fight over whether or not to listen to it every time it came on the radio. It's a really, really stupid song, and I realize that. But, uh, it's catchy. It's in my mp3 player nowadays, in fact]
6. Thank You, Dido [Although this song was a major victim of radio over-play]
7. Don't Tell Me, Madonna [Ah yes, the cowgirl phase, my least favorite Madonna moment, actually. But I did like this song]
8. He Loves U Not, Dream [Don't remember this group at all]
9. Gone, 'N Sync
10. Love Don't Cost A Thing, Jennifer Lopez
11. Hero, Enrique Iglesias [I could not possibly hate this song more]
12. Hanging By A Moment, Lifehouse [I saw them in concert in April of 2001. I guess they were one hit wonders, huh?]
13. Drops Of Jupiter, Train [My mom really liked this song]
14. Jaded, Aerosmith
15. U Remind Me, Usher
16. Hit 'Em Up Style, Blu Cantrell [This song reminds me of the first road trip I ever took with my college roommate, Katy. We drove to Abilene to visit her family for Labor Day and I remember us singing to this in the car. We barely knew each other then!]
17. Survivor, Destiny's Child
18. It Wasn't Me. Shaggy featuring Ricardo "Rikrok" Ducent [This was a take-it-or-leave it song for me, but I'm pretty positive this actually came out in 2000, 'cause I remember laughing about it with my family when we went to New Jersey for Thanksgiving that year]
19. All For You, Janet Jackson
20. Angel, Shaggy featuring Rayvon
21. Turn Off The Light, Nelly Furtado
22. All Or Nothing, O-Town [I don't remember this song, I think I actively avoided O-Town as much as possible]
23. How You Remind Me, Nickelback [And then after this, Nickelback began sucking and hasn't stopped sucking since]
24. Someone To Call My Lover, Janet Jackson [Don't remember this one]
25. Fill Me In, Craig David [Don't remember this one, either]
26. It's Been Awhile, Staind [The summer between high school and college, Mike and I would hang out at my house a lot late at night and we watched a lot of late night MTV. This video was always on. It's a little bittersweet to think about it now.]
27. I'm Like A Bird, Nelly Furtado
28. Bootylicious, Destiny's Child [This would come on at Cowboys, this really ghetto club in Arlington that the girls on my dorm wing and I would hang out at sometimes. Everyone would flock to the dance floor]
29. Again, Lenny Kravitz
30. Let Me Blow Ya Mind, Eve featuring Gwen Stefani
31. Everywhere, Michelle Branch [To this day I can't listen to this song without feeling like I'm about to cry. It just reminds me too much of my first semester of college when I was so homesick from missing Mike. I listened to it all the time then, so I can't listen to it now]
32. Stutter, Joe featuring Mystikal [Don't remember this one]
33. Irresistable , Jessica Simpson
34. I Hope You Dance, Lee Ann Womack [HATE IT. And of course our class valedictorian quoted it in her commencement speech, as did probably every other sappy valedictorian of the class of 2001. So cliche.]
35. Nobody Wants To Be Lonely, Ricky Martin & Christina Aguilera [I don't remember this song, either, but considering it has Ricky Martin involved I probably wouldn't have liked it]
36. Here's To The Night, Eve 6
37. Beautiful Day, U2 [This was my class song. But I actually didn't vote for it]
38. Emotion, Destiny's Child
39. Superman (It's Not Easy), Five For Fighting
40. Southside, Moby with Gwen Stefani [Although I liked this song a lot more before it featured Gwen Stefani]
41. The Space Between, Dave Matthews Band [I also get too sad when I listen to this song now. Again with the Mike thing. I think even once I've been married to another guy for years, these songs will still make me sad, just because I associate them so strongly with that bummed out, homesick feeling]
42. Play, Jennifer Lopez [2001 was a very big year for J. Lo, obviously]
43. When It's Over, Sugar Ray
44. Drive, Incubus [This was the song I wanted to be our class song. I considered it sort of my "going out on my own into the big unknown world" anthem. In retrospect, I'm kinda glad it didn't win because apparently lots of classes used this song that year, and I have yet to come across someone else whose class song was Beautiful Day. And don't ask me why high school class song has even come up in conversations I have been in before, but it has. Ha.]
45. More Than That, Backstreet Boys
46. What Would You, Do City High [Don't remember this one]
47. Be Like That, 3 Doors Down
48. I Wanna Be Bad ,Willa Ford [Don't remember this one, either]
49. Peaches & Cream , 112 [Chelsea loved this song. I hated it. It was exactly like Butterfly for us, but vice versa]
50. Ride Wit Me, Nelly
51. Only Time, Enya
52. Where The Party At, Jagged Edge with Nelly
53. Standing Still, Jewel
54. Pop, 'N Sync
55. This Is Me , Dream [Who the hell was Dream?]
56. Never Had A Dream Come True, S Club 7 [Chelsea liked S Club 7. Wasn't there a TV show featuring them or something? I don't actually remember this song]
57. Crazy, K-Ci & JoJo
58. You Make Me Sick, Pink
59. What It Feels Like For A Girl, Madonna
60. E.I., Nelly [I guess I used to like Nelly]
61. Dig In, Lenny Kravitz
62. Get Ur Freak On, Missy Elliott [Still on my mp3 player, still played often]
63. Breathless, The Corrs
64. Every Other Time, LFO
65. Yellow, Coldplay
66. Best I Ever Had (Grey Sky Morning), Vertical Horizon
67. One Minute Man, Missy Elliott
68. I Do, Toya [Wow, I don't remember a lot of these songs]
69. Fly Away From Here, Aerosmith
70. I'm A Slave 4 U, Britney Spears
71. Smooth Criminal, Alien Ant Farm [This one reminds me of late night MTV-watching with Mike, too]
72. Still On Your Side, BBMak [Haha, BBMak! Whatever happened to those guys?!]
73. No More (Baby I'ma Do Right), 3LW [Don't remember this one]
74. My Everything, 98 Degrees [Weren't boy bands kinda on the way out by 2001, thank god?]
75. Ms. Jackson, Outkast
76. Start The Commotion, The Wiseguys
77. Free, Mya [Yet another song I don't remember...I bet I'd recall some of these if I heard them, though]
78. Baby, Come On Over (This Is Our Night), Samantha Mumba
79. Hemmorhage (In My Hands), Fuel [This one definitely first got popular in 2000 because it reminds me of the summer I spent dating Eric]
80. Drowning, Backstreet Boys
81. Around The World (La La La…), ATC
82. Thank You For Loving Me, Bon Jovi
83. AM To PM, Christina Milian [Don't remember this one, either!]
84. Izzo (H.O.V.A.), Jay-Z
85. Flavor Of The Week, American Hi-Fi
86. What's Going On, All Star Tribute
87. Stronger, Britney Spears
88. One More Time, Daft Punk
89. I'm A Believer, Smash Mouth
90. We Fit Together, O-Town
91. Differences, Ginuwine
92. Follow Me, Uncle Kracker
93. There You'll Be, Faith Hill
94. So In Love With Two, Mikaila [Don't remember this one]
95. In My Pocket, Mandy Moore [There was something extremely stupid about this song. I can't remember what made it so stupid, but maybe that's a good thing. I just know I didn't like it.]
96. Mad Season, Matchbox 20 [Saw them in the same concert where I saw Lifehouse]
97. Bad Day, Fuel
98. What's Your Fantasy Ludacris [This song then went on to be played at every single party I ever attended in college]
99. Liquid Dreams, O-Town [Technically I don't recall this song, either, but since it's O Town I probably hated it]
100. Babylon, David Gray

P.S.-I kind of can't believe I have already been out of high school for almost six years. Only four more years until we have to have a reunion and brag to each other about how much we have accomplished in ten years while pretending we're not actually bragging and comparing achievements. Ha. Actually, do high schools even do reunions anymore?

Children's Book Meme

2007-04-25T21:35:00.000-06:00

This meme went around months ago but I never did it. I'm feeling a bit nostalgic tonight, though, and thought it would be fun to do this. These are the National Education Association's top 100 Books. I've bolded the ones I remember reading when I was growing up, and added comments where I felt like it.

1. Charlotte's Web by E. B. White [I also watched the animated video of this story about a million times when I was a kid]
2. The Polar Express by Chris Van Allsburg [I still read this one every Christmas]
3. Green Eggs and Ham by Dr. Seuss
4. The Cat in the Hat by Dr. Seuss
5. Where the Wild Things Are by Maurice Sendak [When Shane was a baby and Mom was busy with him, Dad got into the habit of getting me and Chelsea ready for bed every night and reading our bedtime story (every night he wasn't closing the restaurant, anyway). Then once Shane was older, Dad still kept his role as Bedtime Story Reader. We'd all pile into one of our beds, alternating rooms every night, and Dad would sit in the middle and read. This was one of our favorites 'cause Dad would do funny voices during the whole "and they gnashed their terrible teeth" part]
6. Love You Forever by Robert N. Munsch [My third grade class read this story aloud at a Mother's Day Tea]
7. The Giving Tree by Shel Silverstein
8. The Very Hungry Caterpillar by Eric Carle
9. Where the Red Fern Grows by Wilson Rawls [We had to read this in 5th grade, and I remember everyone cried, even some of the boys, which was a big deal in 5th grade]
10. The Mitten by Jan Brett
11. Goodnight Moon by Margaret Wise Brown [My favorite when I was really little]
12. Hatchet by Gary Paulsen
13. The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe by C. S. Lewis [I kind of can't believe I have never read this]
14. Where the Sidewalk Ends: the Poems and Drawing of Shel Silverstein by Shel Silverstein
15. Bridge to Terabithia by Katherine Paterson [I was sure I read this book in 4th or 5th grade, but then the film version came out a few months ago and nothing in those previews triggered any memories of what I thought this book was actually about. So they either changed the story entirely for the purposes of the movie, or I'm remembering another book and thinking it's this one]
16. Stellaluna by Janell Cannon
17. Oh, The Places You'll Go by Dr. Seuss [I was actually pretty much an adult when I read this book for the first time since it was a high school graduation gift from my student council sponsors]
18. Strega Nona by Tomie De Paola
19. Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day by Judith Viorst
20. Brown Bear, Brown Bear, What do you see? by Bill Martin, Jr.
21. Charlie and the Chocolate Factory by Roald Dahl
22. The Velveteen Rabbit by Margery Williams
23. A Wrinkle in Time by Madeleine L'Engle [I did a book report on this in 6th grade. I remember I made a poster with all the imaginary planets on it, but now I can't actually remember the story, or if I even liked it]
24. Shiloh by Phyllis Reynolds Naylor [I had this book but never read it]
25. How the Grinch Stole Christmas by Dr. Seuss [I don't think I've ever actually read the book, just seen the animated version, but I think that's the entire book so I'll count it]
26. The True Story of the Three Little Pigs by Jon Scieszka
27. Chicka Chicka Boom Boom by John Archambault
28. Little House on the Prarie by Laura Ingalls Wilder
29. The Secret Garden by Frances Hodgson Burnett
30. The Complete Tales of Winnie the Pooh by A. A. Milne
31. The Boxcar Children by Gertrude Chandler Warner [Shane went through a Boxcar Children phase]
32. Sarah, Plain and Tall by Patricia MacLachlan [I still love this book, it's beautifully written]
33. Indian in the Cupboard by Lynne Reid Banks
34. Island of the Blue Dolphins by Scott O'Dell [Another one we had to read in 5th grade]
35. Maniac Magee by Jerry Spinelli
36. The BFG by Roald Dahl
37. The Giver by Lois Lowry [I know I read this to get Accelerated Reader points in 7th grade (did everyone do AR, or was that just an El Paso thing? Or even just something at my particular middle school?) and I know that this book really freaked me out for some reason, but now I can't remember it well enough to recall why it scared me]
38. If You Give a Mouse a Cookie by Laura Joffe Numeroff
39. James and the Giant Peach: A Children's Story by Roald Dahl [All Roald Dahl books freak me out. I couldn't even finish reading The Witches when I was a kid because it terrified me. As for all of his other books, my feelings about Roald Dahl books are the same as my feelings about Tim Burton movies: I appreciate them and think that they're good art/literature, and I even kind of like them, but I can't fully enjoy them because they just make me feel weird. It's a primal feeling I can't even articulate, but they bother me somehow]
40. Little House in the Big Woods by Laura Ingalls Wilder
41. Roll of Thunder, Hear My Cry by Mildred D. Taylor
42. The Hobbit by J. R. R. Tolkien [This gets halfway highlighted because I started this but never finished it. I've never made it through an entire Tolkien book, I lose patience with his stuff for some reason...and it's not that his books are too detailed, because normally I love the unnecessary details]
43. The Lorax by Dr. Seuss [I was really crazy about the Lorax for a while. I thought he was cute. I even had a Lorax t-shirt, 'cause I was just that nerdy]
44. Stone Fox by John Reynolds Gardiner
45. Number the Stars by Lois Lowry [I still have this book in my bedroom at my parents' house, and I re-read it almost every time I go home to visit]
46. Mrs. Frisby and the Rats of Nimh by Robert C. O'Brien
47. Little Women by Louisa May Alcott [I love this one as well. I have my mom's old copy, and it is falling to pieces and I've taped the cover back onto it a dozen times. I really should find myself a less battered copy, because I'll probably keep re-reading it forever, too]
48. The Rainbow Fish by Marcus Pfister
49. Amazing Grace by Mary Hoffman
50. The Best Christmas Pageant Ever by Barbara Robinson
51. Corduroy by Don Freeman
52. Jumanji by Chris Van Allsburg [The movie version of this book really sucked, by the way. The entire mood of the book was lost]
53. Math Curse by Jon Scieszka
54. Matilda by Roald Dahl
55. Summer of the Monkeys by Wilson Rawls
56. Tales of a Fourth Grade Nothing by Judy Blume [I love Judy Blume, both for young adult and adult fiction]
57. Ramona Quimby, Age 8 by Beverly Cleary [I had all of Beverly Cleary's books when I was little]
58. The Trumpet of the Swan by E. B. White [Yet another book we read for class in the 5th grade]
59. Are You My Mother? by Philip D. Eastman
60. The Chronicles of Narnia by C. S. Lewis [Yup, haven't read this one, either]
61. Make Way for Ducklings by Robert McCloskey [One of my very favorites]
62. One Fish Two Fish Red Fish Blue Fish by Dr. Seuss
63. The Phantom Tollbooth by Norton Juster
64. The Snowy Day by Ezra Jack Keats
65. The Napping House by Audrey Wood
66. Sylvester and the Magic Pebble by William Steig
67. The Tale of Peter Rabbit by Beatrix Potter [Although I preferred The Tale of Benjamin Bunny]
68. Tuck Everlasting by Natalie Babbitt [Whaddaya know, another book that scared me! I didn't like this one because there was too much talk about living forever, and the whole concept of "forever" has never sat well with me]
69. The Wizard of Oz by L. Frank Baum [I kind of can't believe I've never read this one, either]
70. Anne of Green Gables by Lucy Maud Montgomery
71. Horton Hatches the Egg by Dr. Seuss
72. Basil of Baker Street, by Eve Titus
73. The Little Engine That Could by Watty Piper
74. The Cay by Theodore Taylor [Another one I had but never read. I think at one point I got a boxed set of children's classics for my birthday and was only interested in about half of them. Shiloh came in that same set, I think. Ha.]
75. Curious George by Hans Augusto Rey [I used to make Mom read this one to me a lot, I was really fascinated by the part where Curious George was in the hospital bed with his leg in a cast. And also the part where he washed windows]
76. Wilfred Gordon McDonald Partridge by Mem Fox
77. Arthur series by Marc Tolon Brown [This is another series my little brother liked a lot, so I'd read them for him]
78. The Great Gilly Hopkins by Katherine Paterson
79. Lilly's Purple Plastic Purse by Kevin Henkes
80. Little House books by Laura Ingalls Wilder
81. The Little House by Virginia Lee Burton
82. The Runaway Bunny by Margaret Wise Brown
83. Sideways Stories from Wayside School by Louis Sachar [I remember everyone used to fight over who could check this one out on library day at school]
84. Amelia Bedelia by Peggy Parish
85. Harriet the Spy by Louise Fitzhugh
86. A Light in the Attic by Shel Silverstein
87. Mr. Popper's Penguins by Richard Atwater
88. My Father's Dragon by Ruth Stiles Gannett
89. Stuart Little by E. B. White
90. Walk Two Moons by Sharon Creech
91. The Witch of Blackbird Pond by Elizabeth George Speare [I've been having a strange craving to re-read this book lately, don't ask me why]
92. The Art Lesson by Tomie De Paola
93. Caps for Sale by Esphyr Slobodkina [Yet another Shane favorite. Considering how much it seems like he liked to read when we were little, it's kind of a shame that now he only reads the sports page]
94. Clifford, the Big Red Dog by Norman Bridwell
95. Heidi by Johanna Spyri [Yet another book I had but never read]
96. Horton Hears a Who by Dr. Seuss
97. The Sign of the Beaver by Elizabeth George Speare
98. The Watsons Go to Birmingham-1963 by Christopher Paul Curtis
99. Guess How Much I Love You by Sam McBratney
100. The Paper Bag Princess by Robert N. Munsch

86 Box Office

2007-04-23T22:11:00.000-06:00

My last night of managing the box office was Saturday night.
In general, I didn't mind managing the box office for the past two years. Out of all the TA jobs, I think mine was by far the easiest. Funnily enough, no one else seems to agree with me on this and apparently no one but me has ever volunteered to take on the job for a second year. But there were a lot of things I liked about working the box office. For one thing, I had no papers to grade. I also never had to attend any classes other than my own (and believe me, I love that I never had to get up to go to a 9:30 class that I was TA-ing like most of my friends). There were sometimes three weeks at a time where there was no show going on and the box office was closed and I didn't have a job to do. Did I feel a little guilty collecting my $1000 stipend during the months I didn't work more than twenty hours total? I probably should have, but honestly, no. When there was a job to do, I did it well. I literally wrote the manual for my job. And when there wasn't a job to do, I was just grateful that I had the easiest teaching assistantship. The fact that I could do 80% of my job over the phone (Call the box office, make sure someone is actually there working, and my job is done for the afternoon!) made me very happy.

That's not to say that the job was without it's frustrations, though. Who could forget Handjob Guy, for example? Or the student who called the box office last week asking if we still had tickets available for "Mucho Aw-doe"...instead of Much Ado About Nothing, the show we were actually selling tickets for. And then there were the students that worked for me. While most of them were great, and it was a very good way for me to get to know the undergrads, a few of them were irresponsible or just plain stupid. For instance, we have a policy that a certain amount of ushers can watch the show on the night they work, and last week one of the ushers asked, "Can I watch the show tonight?" I said, "Sure," and he said, "When?" It took all my willpower not to roll my eyes at him as I answered, "When it STARTS." There were definitely people I would have fired if I could have done so.
I think Saturday night was the icing on the cake, though, the epitome of the ridiculous part of my job. All of the Intro to Fine Arts students--and I think every student in the university has to take Intro to Fine Arts--have to write at least one critique of a play each semester, and they need to prove that they actually saw the play by attaching a show program to their critique. Needless to say, we get a lot of students showing up to try to get programs without actually seeing the show, so the house manager and I have a policy about not giving out programs except to people actually entering the theater with a ticket.
So Saturday night just after the show had started a guy walked up to the box office and told us he'd seen the show the night before but he didn't get a program, and could we please give him one? Amanda explained our policy of not giving out programs and the pointed out to him that if he had been at the show the night before he would have been given a program for sure. So then he quickly switched his story to, "Well, I had one, but I left it here at the theater." But we told him sorry, there was nothing we could do for him unless he came back with his ticket stub proving he had been there. And incidentally, I am positive that he hadn't been there the night before. That's what happens when you're a freakishly muscular yet somehow still attractive 6'4" black guy with lots of tattoos. Sorry buddy, but you're very noticeable and I would have remembered you.
Anyway, he started whining about having to come back with a ticket stub, so to be nice Amanda suggested, "Well, maybe if you could tell us something about the plot, to prove that you saw it...?" He stood there for a moment and finally said, "Well, I know it's by, uh, Shakespeare, and..." Realizing that a plot synopsis was going to be too much for him, I said, "What about the set? Could you tell us what the set looked like?" And let me just point out that the set for this show had a lot of very memorable elements: trees made out of gigantic grapes, a ten foot tall wine glass, paintings that flew in and out, etc. If he had actually seen the show he would have been able to come up with SOMETHING. Instead he just stood there for a full minute, even making a big show of closing his eyes like he was trying oh-so-hard to remember. Finally he sighed and said, "I was as throwed when I saw it as I am right now, so I don't really remember." So Amanda and I told him sorry and he groaned and said, "Alright, I'll get a ticket. I think it's in my notebook where I wrote down the plot and all that shit." So not only did he admit that he was "throwed" when he supposedly saw the show, but also that if he did see the show he was taking notes during it, which is another thing we really frown upon. God.
Maybe he came back the next morning with a ticket stub that he'd borrowed from a friend who actually saw the show. I don't know. If he actually made the effort to find a ticket, Amanda told me she would give him a program. But when I told her the story, Debbie realized that he is her student and she'll be reading his critique carefully and I'm fairly certain he won't be getting credit anyway. Ha. What an asshat.

So yeah. It was a good job, but I can't say I'm really going to miss it.

Thought Process

2007-04-23T00:44:00.000-06:00

I've been having anxiety dreams lately, almost every night this week. I don't always remember them when I wake up. The bits I remember usually have to do with screwing things up at the restaurant (forgetting about a table completely, moving like I'm stuck in molasses even when I know I need to be moving quickly) or my usual variety of anxiety dream where I'm packing frantically then end up missing my plane anyway or, if I do manage to make the plane, the plane crashes. I wake up feeling uneasy and sometimes I can't shake the feeling for an hour or more, and I hate it.

You'd think that I'd be really relaxed right now. My thesis is up at the library being bound, so it's finally completely and utterly finished. My box office job is finished forever as well. I have nothing important to do until next month. And maybe that's part of my problem. With nothing concrete to focus on, my brain goes into overdrive. I realize that in a lot of ways I am suited to life as an academic because I spend so much time Figuring Things Out. My mind just never relaxes and turns off, even when I really need it to. This is both a blessing and a curse, but after almost 25 years I know that this is just the way I'm wired, and so I deal with myself and most of the time I focus on the blessing part of it much more than the curse part.
I spend a very large portion of my life trying to figure out why I feel the way I do about things, and how other people are feeling and why. Apparently I have always been like this. My mom said when I was a toddler I used to follow her around the house asking incessantly, "Are you happy or sad? Are you mad or glad?" I'm pretty certain I was just practicing my Sesame Street feelings words, but at the same time those were probably legitimate questions since I do the exact same thing now. Given, now that I'm an adult I mostly keep these thoughts to myself. I'm constantly gauging people's emotions, trying to figure out if they're happy or sad, mad or glad, and why I think they might be feeling that way. The upside to this is that I feel like I'm pretty good at figuring out why people are behaving in a particular way (assuming their behavior is at least in some way based on logic, which in the case of people with some mental disorders is obviously not the case). The other good thing about this is that some people seem to really need me to give them blunt assessments of their behavior sometimes, and I like that I feel comfortable being that honest sounding board for certain friends. The bad thing about this is that I make a lot of assumptions about other people based on the constant analysis I'm doing on them in my head. Often I just let these assumptions stand, particularly if I don't know a person well enough to ask them whether or not I'm correct, and that's not a good thing. I think I AM right about people, a lot of the time. But I know my analysis is not correct all the time, and my assumptions can be unfair. The thing is, I don't think most people would react well to my declarations of, "You're behaving this way right now, and I think this is why." This is why I only make statements like that to a few choice people. Because if I'm wrong in my assumptions, that pisses people off. And if I'm right about them, that pisses them off even more because there is nothing more annoying than other people recognizing your flaws, patterns, or emotions before you fully recognize them yourself. Sometimes I like the puzzle of figuring people out. Other times, like tonight, I just wish people would make it easy for me and say, "I'm acting like this, and this is why, and this is how I think it is going to affect you." Wouldn't that be nice?
I should add here that I'm not talking about a particular person or event right now. I just re-read that last paragraph and realized that it sounds like I'm writing a cryptic entry about a specific person and trying to keep it anonymous, but no, I'm not. This is just something I'm thinking about.

The other thing my mind tends to go into overdrive about is my future. You all know that by now, I talk about it a lot. I'm looking forward to my future, and I'm excited about it, but I hate all of the unknowns. I realize that life is full of the unknowns and that is never going to change, and I do the best I can to deal with it and try not to worry too much about things I can't control. But I still think about it all a lot anyway. I realize that most of my anxiety dreams right now are about my upcoming move. I like new things to a certain extent, but I am very much a creature of habit and having everything disorganized and feeling unsettled makes me crazy.* I'm not looking foward to packing up this apartment and leaving here at all, and my mind is already dwelling on that inevitability when I'm asleep at night.
I'm looking forward to being in my new home, don't get me wrong, but I'm not looking forward to the couple of months of transition in between. Although I think I'll be reasonably happy in El Paso for the summer, because I'll be able to make my own temporary routine there.
And frankly, even though I'm looking forward to moving to the D.C. area, I'm also extremely nervous. I think I'll feel better once I get there in May and see where I'm going to live and get a vibe on the place because, again, it's the unknown that is worrying me more than anything. Of course, the known is scaring me, too. I read a lot of blogs of Ph.D. candidates and the overall theme seems to be, "This is so hard, and overall job prospects suck." Which of course makes me go, "Why do I want to do this again?" I do realize that people mostly use their blogs as an outlet to bitch about things that are going wrong in their lives, so I know there is a lot of good that I'm just not reading about. I also know that I would never forgive myself if I didn't at least try for the Ph.D. at this point. I may not get there, or I may get there but then realize I hate it. And I know that. But right now I honestly can't envision myself doing anything else. And THAT scares me, because if this next step doesn't work out for me, what else am I going to do with my life?
But then I remind myself that I haven't always been like this. I remember a time when I honestly thought I'd be a high school teacher and I thought I'd be content doing that for life. I also remember a time, not even that long ago, where I thought--and realize that I am cringing as I'm writing this and I can barely admit it, even to myself--that since I liked school so much I might as well keep going to get my MA, and that probably by the time I was done with my MA I'd be in a serious relationship and ready to get married and then have a baby or two so I wouldn't really use my degree and I'd just adjunct teach or do something like that for a while before taking years off to take care of my kids. Yes! At 20 I really thought I was going to be able to plan my life neatly like that! And I thought that was what I wanted!
And now my mindset has changed drastically. For one thing, I didn't end up with that serious relationship I thought I'd find for sure (FOR SURE!) by the time I was 22. Ha. Hahahahahahaha. I also realized that I really do like research, I really do love what I'm studying, and that there is at least a small possibility that I might actually have some talent at what I do. Over the past two years, the idea of going on to the Ph.D. has become very important to me. The idea of getting my name and my research out there and adding my voice to the body of work has become an important dream that I am not about to give up on yet. I was positive that I would want to be a stay-at-home mother one of these days, but now I feel like if I ever actually get to the point where I have a Ph.D. and a teaching job I am not going to want to give that up. And I never thought I would choose a job over a family, but suddenly that choice is much, much harder to make, whereas before I would have gone, "Family!" in an instant.
I still think that if and when I do have the opportunity to make my own family one of these days, I'm probably going to choose to embrace that opportunity fully. But in the absence of a concrete way to attempt to achieve that dream, I have really latched onto this dream of the Ph.D. and a tenure-track job since at least this is a dream that I can actually work toward.
Still, when I think too much about it, it scares me. I'm afraid that I'll become so solitary doing my Ph.D. work that I'll emerge from it 30 years old and still as single as I am right now. And how much does any of what I'm doing right now even matter if I'm only doing it for myself? I can tell myself day in and day out that it's okay to want to do it just for me, that it's wonderful to have the opportunity to be as selfish as I want and work towards my goals without having to worry about other people, but even though a serious relationship would add so many more things to worry about, I also know that I want those worries eventually. I do want a partner in this life one of these days. The flip side of that coin is that I worry that I'll meet someone I love, give up the dream I'm chasing right now to be with that person, and then regret it later. Everyone seems to think that it's great that I can start a Ph.D. program while I'm free and single with all the time in the world to devote to my research, and to a certain extent I agree. But at least the people that start a Ph.D. program with a husband and family already know what their future holds, more or less. They know the hurdles they have to jump to get to that degree. I have no idea what my hurdles are going to be: who I'm going to fall for at an inappropriate moment, what choice I might end up having to make between a career and a person I care about, and hey, there we go again with the unknowns!
Sometimes I drive myself crazy with this circular, damned-if-you-do, damned-if-you-don't thought process. But I guess the main thing I keep trying to remind myself of right now is this:

You didn't always want to do this. You used to have other dreams. And even though you think those dreams are silly now, they were important to you then and they might become important to you again. Or maybe something else will become important to you. So if this doesn't work out for you, you are a smart girl and there are other things you can do. Also, the odds of you being single forever are pretty slim, and even though it's going to be hard to handle the challenges of being in a relationship when you're so used to being single, you're going to be fine and you're going to work it all out, so chill the fuck out.

On that note, I'm going to bed and hoping that there are no nightmares tonight. Sorry for rambling. Thanks for reading, if you did.

*Footnote: Incidentally, I don't know why I love having a set, known routine and an organized personal space and yet can also love traveling so much since travel is generally nothing but unknowns and shared space (and often messy shared space at that). Maybe it's that I know when I'm traveling to expect those things, and that I still have a home somewhere on the planet where everything is organized just the way I like it? I don't know...

Gardening is Not News

2007-04-18T21:19:00.000-06:00

I don't know why I'm updating, because I have pretty much nothing to update about. The nice thing about that is that my life is incredibly easy right now. I'm trying to enjoy this lazy feeling while I can since I know pretty soon I'm going to be dealing with moving stress, and before too long I'm going to be dealing with the whole Ph.D. thing, which, as much as I know I want to do it, is probably going to be 4 years of lots and lots of stress.
So what's up? Well, my thesis went up to the grad college last Thursday and it's not quite approved yet because of a few minor formatting things (the formatting of this thing is killing me, they could not possibly be more nitpicky about things and I don't understand why most of this stuff-like the font of the damn page numbers-makes any difference at all whatsoever). I made the necessary edits and am having another meeting about it tomorrow morning and hopefully it will get the final approval and then I can make copies of it, get it bound at the library, and finally be done with it already. Still, I'm more or less done with that and have been for weeks.
I did my final play report in class on Tuesday night, and now the only thing I have left to do is take my final exam on May 1st and I'm totally finished. Next week I just have to show up and watch other play reports. And since I think my grade in that class is a pretty solid A, I don't think I even need to study for the final all that much. I also finish managing the box office FOREVER on Saturday! In other words, I'm basically done with school.
So what else am I doing since I'm not busy with school anymore? I'm still working at the restaurant, but only for another month since I decided yesterday that May 18th will be my last day of work. I'd like to say that it will be my last day of waiting tables ever, but it so won't be. In fact, I was talking to Dad today about maybe working at his restaurant as well as his bar this summer. I don't want people being bitchy about me swinging into town for just a couple of months and taking shifts away from them, especially since I know that I can live without the money and it's very different to work like I do (to be able to sometimes buy an $8.00 drink without worrying about it and to save up some money for leaner times) and to work like so many other waiters and bartenders do (to pay their rent and buy groceries). So while part of me wants to go, "Chill out, it's two months!" I also understand their point and I figure if I divide my time between the restaurant and the bar (possibly bars, plural, since Dad has a new place on the other side of town) I'll be able to work plenty of shifts and save up some money but I also won't be invading too much on other people's turf. And for the record, I realize that I am about to have two degrees and I still have to wait tables and yes, sometimes I find that annoying. But I figure I can justify it as long as I'm still a student and living on stipends. Sure, it's enough to live on, but barely. And having the extra income from waiting tables really has given me the chance to spend money on pretty much whatever I feel like spending money on and also be able to put some money into savings, so I can't really complain. And the fact is I do need the extra income in the summers, since a 9-month paycheck just doesn't stretch a whole year. So yeah, I'll be waiting tables for the near future, but at least I'll only be at Applebees for the next month!
I figure the 18th is a good day to quit. My family comes to town that weekend for Chelsea's graduation and I'd like to be able to spend time with them, and then on the 20th my Mom is flying with me to the east coast so I can hopefully sign a lease on an apartment and actually see the D.C. metro area and my new school for myself. I still can't believe that I chose a school and a city to live in without ever having been there before in my life, but I'm trying to convince myself that it was a brave move and not a stupid one and I'd rather you not tell me otherwise, even if you disagree. And technically I did the same thing when I moved down here, although at least I'd been to Austin many times and driven through this little town so it's not like it was the Great Unknown. Oh well. It's going to be an adventure!
Figuring out what to do with all of my stuff over the summer and planning a 2,000 mile move is also turning out to be...well, I could be optimistic and call it an adventure, or I could be honest and say it's a huge pain in the ass. But it's all going to work itself out somehow, especially since I have several weeks to kill until graduation and nothing to do in the meantime except finish catching up on The Sopranos so I can watch the finale with everyone else. That should give me plenty of time to figure out a plan.

You Just Loved the Sex, Fool

2007-04-15T23:24:00.000-06:00

College Ex is annoying me tonight. We don't talk much these days. We're still friends and on good terms, but ever since we finally stopped fooling around completely in fall 2005 I have stopped calling him just to chat. He still texts me every now and then (when he's drinking and feeling nostalgic, presumably) and I'll text him very, very rarely when something reminds me of him, and he'll call me every couple of months or so to ramble on about how much he loves me.
Tonight is one of those nights. First he sent me a text message that said "I still think about you all the time." And I didn't respond because how does one respond to that? "Congratulations, I DON'T think about you all the time, or even all that often"? "Why?"? "I think about you, too, but mostly I think about how that was fun for a while but I'm glad I'm done with that phase of my life"?
Then a couple of hours later he sent me another text message that said, "Can I just say that I'm still in love with you?" And so I responded, "You can, but that's kind of weird considering I don't think you ever really loved me in the first place." Well, it was a mistake to say that, because he spent the next hour calling me multiple times and trying to prove to me that he loves me and that he has always loved me. Which just doesn't make sense to me, because although he has spent a large part of our relationship and our entire post-relationship telling me how much he loves me, and how I'm the only woman in his life that ever knew his secrets and called him on his bullshit, and how I inspire him to be a better man and blah, blah, blah, for someone who supposedly loves me so much he sure does sleep with a lot of other women. And he probably says the exact same thing to them. I just don't trust him. At all. I never have, and I never will. Truthfully, I think he just wants phone sex tonight and whoever he normally calls for that job these days isn't responding and so he has turned to me, but since he knows I won't do that with him anymore he thinks that if he sweet talks me a lot first it will maybe turn into that. Either that or he really does think he loves me, in which case someone really needs to teach him that sex and love are two very different things and do not necessarily go hand-in-hand, even though they probably should.
--Interrupting this post for a live action update--He just called AGAIN and I answered again (Why? I'm not answering anymore after this, he's getting repetitive) and this time he said he needs to see me before I leave Texas because he has to give me something. I asked what he has to give me, and he said "Something that's really meaningful and important to me and symbolizes everything I've been trying to tell you about what you mean to me, and you might not ever wear it but I need to give it to you anyway." What the hell?! I really think he's on drugs or something right now. He also just compared his love for me to seeing a box of Tic Tacs on the shelf at the gas station and suddenly remembering how much you love Tic Tacs even though you haven't had them for a while. I had to put the phone down so I could laugh as loudly as I wanted to, and when I picked up the phone again he was still babbling on. Worst. Metaphor. Ever.
I don't know what his deal is, but I'm not answering the phone anymore. This is ridiculous. There was a time and place in my life for him and I don't regret spending so much time with him in college. We had a lot of fun. But the time and place in my life for showing up at a guy's house at two in the morning to smoke a bowl, have a beer, and fool around is over. Or at least, I think it's over. I'm certainly not in the mood for that sort of thing these days. And as soon as I stopped being in the mood for that, I stopped being in the mood for him. So it sure as hell wasn't love, and I hope he's not actually so delusional that he thinks it was. I'm pretty sure he's just drunk.

Know what else is annoying? Trying to find an apartment on the internet. I don't know why I'm even bothering to look, since it's not like you can get a sense of a place at all based on their online ads. And even things like that apartment ratings website don't work because people pretty much only post about their apartment complex online when they have negative things to say about it, so you don't get an accurate idea of how the place really is. I'm going to go up to my future home in a month or so and I want to sign a lease then so I'm trying to do some research, but it's just frustrating me.

Anyway. I'm gonna read for class and get some sleep and stop obssessing about the logistics of moving myself, a basset hound, a cat, and all of my furniture 2,000 miles, because I have months until I actually have to deal with that.

Drum Roll, Please....

2007-04-12T23:21:00.000-06:00

Today has been a definitive day in my life. Really, it has. In fact, I can't think of another day in my life so far where two major milestones, two life-changing events (interrelated though they may be) have taken place in the same day.

But today? Today I sat before my committee and defended my thesis and took my comprehensive exam. Two hours sitting across the table from three professors, answering questions about everything I've learned about theatre EVER was one of the most intimidating and stressful things I have done in a long time. And to think, I went into this with full confidence that I would pass and I was still that nervous when it came time to actually do the defense. I don't know how I'm going to do this whole comprehensive exam thing again in a couple of years, much less defend a dissertation.
But the important thing right now is that I passed my exam and my defense, and now I get to graduate for sure! I am a Master of Arts (officially as of May 12th, but technically as of right now)! Go out and have a drink for me to celebrate!
One of the best parts about the whole thing is that I have an entire month to kill between now and graduation, and absolutely nothing to do between now and then except take a final in my Classical and Renaissance Theatre class. I think I have loved this spring semester more than any semester I have had so far. I even loved the parts of it where I was writing my thesis (although that's mostly because I had a lot of distractions, like Justin Timberlake).

So that's all great, but the really major thing that happened today was that I finally decided on a Ph.D. program. I know I've been terrible about updating you here at the end of the process, but it's just because everything happened so fast and I had so much to think about. I ended up getting awesome financial aid offers from both schools. One offer came in on Monday night, the other came in on Tuesday morning. From that point I only had Tuesday, Wednesday, and today to make a decision since I need to have my official answers reach the schools through mail by Monday.
I won't bore you with the whole decision-making process except to say that it was the most difficult decision I have ever had to make in my entire life and that's no exaggeration. I talked to faculty at the schools, I talked to students currently in the programs, I talked to faculty here, I talked to my friends here, I talked to my parents (who are in Mexico for the week and are now going to have a ridiculous phone bill from hashing the whole thing out with me, sorry Dad!), I asked my basset board friends who live in both areas of the country for their opinions, I was practically asking strangers on the street for their opinion. In the end I felt like I made the most informed decision I possibly could, considering I didn't have the time to visit both campuses.
I'm feeling good about my decision. I chose the school that is going to give me the biggest stipend for my teaching assistantship (even taking cost of living into consideration, this school is still giving me more money than the other one would have) and they are also going to give me health insurance, pay my full tuition for up to four years, and give me $2000 of travel/research money for my first two summers. It's an amazing offer, and one that I ultimately just couldn't refuse. I also feel confident that I will be able to find good dissertation advisors in this program, and I'm excited about where I'll be living. And that's what it came down to, ultimately. My friend and professor, Christin, who just finished her Ph.D. in December, pointed out that the Ph.D. is such a self-directed degree anyway that when comparing two very similar programs, the programs themselves don't matter as much. So she said, "Where would you rather live?" And when she put it that way, my decision, which was already becoming pretty obvious, was clear.

Alright, enough of the suspense. I'm sorry, I couldn't resist. And you probably just scrolled down to find out what I chose anyway, right? So...

[Haha, just kidding! This used to say which school I chose, but now that identifying information has been deleted. Figure it out for yourself, or e-mail me or myspace message me if you know me personally and want to know]

Eeeee!

2007-04-09T22:23:00.000-06:00

Know what's fun? Having two schools and being able to very carefully play them against each other to get the best possible deal for myself. It feels so good to be wanted.

By the end of this week I should know for sure where I'm going. Sorry for not writing more right now, I have a book report to write before tomorrow (a book report, I know, what am I, nine?) and I haven't even finished the book yet, much less started writing the five page report. I just had to let you know, for those of you that have been listening to me babble about this stuff since last summer, that I'll have a plan soon.

I'm so excited! And freaked out! And excited!

The Universe is For Me, or Against Me, I'm not Really Sure

2007-04-05T21:30:00.000-06:00

So after all that babbling yesterday, I heard from two more schools today. One, the other California school, doesn't want me. The other, however, DOES. And there's still one more school that has yet to accept or reject me, but since it's the weakest program (still a good program, but the weakest) there's no way I'd go there unless they gave me a financial aid offer and neither of the other schools did. So it's down to a decision between two schools. Fortunately, this is a very pleasant dilemma to have, and I'm grateful to have two options because it means the fact that I got into the up-North school wasn't just a fluke, I really am a qualified candidate, apparently. I feel more confident now that I have two schools to choose from. Incidentally, I also feel more confident having gotten rejection letters, too. I know that sounds silly, but when I got into college and then got into an MA program, I got nothing but acceptance letters, which left me with the idea that ANYONE can get into those programs and do what I'm doing. Which isn't true, I know that, but that's what it felt like. But now, having gotten both acceptance and rejection letters, for the first time in my life I'm really thrilled at having been accepted anywhere because I realize that it actually is pretty difficult to get into a Ph.D. program, much less one of your top choice Ph.D. programs. So yes, it's flattering, and it's a great decision to have to make, but still, I HAVE TO MAKE A DECISION.
The guy who wrote me from School #2 today wrote an extremely flattering letter that basically said, in not so many words "We really want you, we're going to give you a financial aid package that matches our extreme enthusiasm for your application, please don't accept the other offer without hearing ours first". And that's all fine and good, except that they don't think they'll be able to officially present their financial aid offer until April 12th, which is exactly four days before I need to declare my intention at School #1. Not a lot of time for decision-making. The other problem is that School #1 has yet to present their financial aid offer, either. I wrote to School #1 today, now that I have another card to play, and told them that I have another offer and would really like to be able to consider both programs--including their financial aid offers--side by side so that I can make a truly informed decision. So I'm hoping that now school #1 will either get on the ball and give me my financial aid offer ASAP, or that they'll let me wait on accepting or declining their offer of admission until they have had a chance to give me my financial aid offer.
And then I'm hoping one offer is substantially better than the other, because otherwise I seriously don't know how I'm going to make this decision. I'm trying not to freak out about it yet and to just be thankful that by this time next week I should know for sure where I'm going, but still. I hate making major life-changing decisions, especially in this case where I've never actually visited either school and can't make a decision based on gut instincts, which is what I usually do.

Anyway, wish me luck in the decision-making process. I'm off to Houston/Galveston for the weekend with Mandi tomorrow. We're spending Friday night in Houston to hang out with Matthew and one of Mandi's friends and then I'm going home with Mandi on Saturday to meet her mom and spend Easter there, hopefully on the beach if it doesn't get too cold this weekend. It should be fun. So long until I get back.

Just Wasting Time

2007-04-04T21:59:00.000-06:00

It has been almost a week since my last post. Sorry guys, I'm slacking. I don't honestly feel like all that much has gone on in the past week, but I guess I must have been busy doing something since I didn't have time to write.

I haven't been busy studying, that's for sure. My thesis is back from my committee, and it's good to go other than a few minor punctuation things that weren't caught in earlier revisions (apparently I underpunctuated for the first time in my life; normally I'm the Comma Queen so I'm not sure how that happened). All in all I've been surprised at how easy writing the thesis was. It was time consuming, sure, but in retrospect it took much less time and effort than I thought it would. Now all I have to do to earn my degree is make those minor edits and get copies of my thesis bound at the library (once it gets approved by the grad college dean, which it will), do three more things for my Classical and Renaissance Drama class (another play report, a five-page book report, and a final exam) and do my thesis defense/comprehensive exam. That takes place a week from tomorrow, and I'm at a loss as to how to study for it. How do you cram two years (six years, really) of material into your head in a week? The answer is YOU DON'T, so I haven't studied at all yet and I don't think I'm going to. I either know it or I don't, at this point. I'm probably just going to skim my Dramatic Theory notes, and then I'm going to hope that they want to chat a lot about Shakespeare and the Greeks since that's what's fresh in my mind this semester. So yay! I'm almost done! A month and seven days until graduation! I think I'll spend the entire time lying out, reading for fun, trying on sun dresses, and bar hopping, which is what I've been doing with my free time so far. Don't you just hate me this month?

Speaking of graduation, I still don't know where I'm going when I'm done here. I finally e-mailed the three schools I haven't heard from, but I haven't gotten a reply yet. I'm hoping that the fact that I have another offer will make them give me an answer promptly, but who knows. I'm not-so-secretly hoping that all three will come back as either rejections or "sorry, there's just no way we can let you know your status before April 17th" because then I won't have to make a decision on where to go, I can just accept my current offer. Because the thought of actually having to make a decision that important in a matter of days is really daunting to me. It would be kind of nice if the universe just gave me one clear path for now.
And speaking of trying to decide what to do, my dad was in town last night and he said--with no prompting from me at all whatsoever, which leads me to believe that he and Mom just don't want me cramping their style, haha--that he and my mom would pay my rent for me if I decided I'd rather spend the summer living here instead of in El Paso. Unfortunately, it's too late for me to stay in my current apartment because I would have had to renew my lease by the middle of March, and I don't know if they'd have let me go month-to-month anyway. Subletting another apartment here for just three months at most seems pretty pointless, and my sister mentioned I could move into her house in Austin for the summer but...eh. I hate packing and unpacking. I also really, really, REALLY hate not having my own space. I don't care how big my own space is, I just need to know that I have some space of my own to organize the way I want. So if I moved up to Chelsea's, I wouldn't really have my own space, I'd presumably have her space with all her stuff still in it, even if she had technically moved to her boyfriend's house (which is her current plan). Or if she had moved out completely, I'd have to move all my own stuff to her house and then move it again three months later. Not fun. Plus I'd have to find a job in Austin since I wouldn't want to commute back and forth to my job here all summer, and finding a job in Austin for three months seems pointless, too. And then there's the fact that ideally I only want to pack and unpack one time. I want to pack here, and unpack when I get to wherever I'm going. I realize that I might have to move stuff into storage temporarily, but that isn't completely packing and unpacking, that's just loading and unloading. And ideally I'll somehow find a way to skip that step, too (maybe use one of those shipping/storage companies like those Pod things? I don't know). So moving all my stuff to another location in this area, unpacking it or living with my space like a storage unit (UGH) and then packing it all up again and moving in the fall just seems stupid.
What makes sense, of course, is to just go back to El Paso. In El Paso I have my own space at my parents' house. It's just a bedroom, sure, but at least it's all mine and it doesn't involve any unpacking to make it livable and I know I'm capable of being comfortable and relaxed there even if I am living out of a suitcase for three months while most of my stuff is in storage. More importantly, in El Paso I have a definite job where a) I can make better money than I'm currently making here at Applebees and b) my dad is my boss so I can have time off to go on family vacations, go to Ruidoso, maybe visit Cassie, etc. Plus I wouldn't have to be paying rent, and I honestly wouldn't have to be paying for much of anything while living with my parents. Trying to earn and save as much money as possible this summer seems like the best possible plan.
The one thing lacking in El Paso, though, is my friends. But logically, I just can't convince myself that hanging out with my friends is enough of a reason to stay here all summer. Especially since most of my usual gang is spending most of the summer in Stratford (or Canada). The truth is, even if I stayed here for the summer, I probably wouldn't have all that much of a social life anyway. It wouldn't be like it is right now, that's for sure. I just hope I don't regret the decision to go home, though. I hope I don't get there and feel bored out of my mind all summer. I hope that I can hang out with Mike and the people I know through him without it being weird, I hope that I can make my own friends at the bar or elsewhere. I hope that my grand scheme to take several vacations works out, because I think I can definitely handle--and would even enjoy--spending a few weeks in El Paso, then taking a week-long vacation, then spending another few weeks in El Paso, then going on vacation again, etc.

I just don't want to make the wrong decision. About anything. But I also make the best of things no matter what I decide, so maybe there are no wrong decisions for me. I don't know.

Oh, and about those friends that I don't want to leave behind? Well, this afternoon Richie and I were standing at the box office together watching these scenes that were going on in the lobby (our department's contribution to this ) and during a very quiet scene change Richie turned to me and said, very loudly, "How are you, anyway? I haven't seen you since our drunken night!" And the guy working in the box office just goes, "Uh..." and Richie was like, "Oh. I meant..." and everyone turned to stare and I had to quickly clarify, "Not OUR drunken night. A drunken night," and I think everyone in hearing range was relieved because Richie and I share the exact same taste in men, and he's engaged, and Richie and I having a drunken night together would blow everyone's mind. Ha. Plus all that actually happened on our drunken night was that Richie ate the world's most disgusting hot dog and then five minutes later bought a slice of pizza because he'd somehow totally forgotten that he ate the hot dog. I love Richie.

Knowing

2007-03-29T23:44:00.000-06:00

I am so sick of filling out applications. It was enough to fill out all the Ph.D. program applications a couple of months ago, but there are also graduate assistantship applications to fill out. The department I have been accepted to is automatically considering me for assistantships and fellowships within the department. I feel like I will probably get an assistantship of some sort, considering the fact that their website says they fund "most" of their graduate students and I have never heard of a Ph.D. candidate that isn't receiving at least some funding from his or her university. The thing is, I won't know whether or not I'm receiving money from the department until mid-April. Which helps A LOT if I have to make a decision between two programs, by the way. If I happen to get another offer, how am I going to decide which is better if this school isn't going to give me financial aid information until AFTER the deadline for accepting their offer of admission? It's so screwed up. Also screwed up is the fact that I still haven't heard from the last three schools. They're all getting e-mailed this weekend so I can get an update on my status. The thing is, it's not a huge deal. I think the fact that one school accepted me immediately in February and the others are taking their sweet time making a decision should be a sign, and I think I'll be accepting this first offer anyway unless another school comes back with an amazing financial package. The head of my department here said that the school that has already accepted me is definitely my best option, all things being equal. It's a good school, a very well-known school that I'd be proud to earn a Ph.D. from (I still can't believe that might actually happen, by the way). So yeah. Unless this first school is planning to offer me nothing and another school is planning to offer me a full ride, I think that maybe, possibly, my decision has already been made. Still, I'm just ready to be absolutely positive, you know?
Anyway, assistantship applications. Because I won't know whether I'm getting an assistantship through the theatre department for a few more weeks, I decided to apply for other graduate assistantships on the campus. These are jobs at the on-campus arts center, and they're open to graduate students from any department. They sound like pretty awesome jobs, actually. They're all jobs that I'm perfectly qualified for, that would look great on my resume and would advance my career, and if I'm not going to get a teaching position then they're equally good options. But the applications are due tomorrow, and that annoys me. I could have just spent two hours filling out job applications for no reason at all whatsoever, if the theatre department is already planning to offer me an assistantship. Ugh. There should be a more organized way to deal with this whole application/admission/funding process. Seriously.

Other than filling out more applications, I've been doing a lot of nothing. I've been working at the restaurant and trying my best not to break hearts. One of the guys I work with has had a not-so-secret crush on me since December, and yesterday he told me, "I really wish you weren't leaving so soon, because I really want to date you." I feel bad about the whole thing, because he genuinely likes me but I can't get excited about him. He's a nice guy, but I'm not the woman for him. He works in the kitchen and is perfectly content to do that for the rest of his life (I know this because I keep asking him what he wants to do with his life and apparently what he wants to do with his life is be a line cook at Applebees. Forever. And there's nothing wrong with that, it's just that I need someone with more ambition, or at least more creativity, than that. Sometimes I wish I didn't, but I do). He also supports his deadbeat mother and sister, and it bothers me that he lets people walk all over him like that. There's such a thing as family obligation, but that only goes so far, you know? And then there's the fact that he wants to be a virgin until marriage and doesn't drink, which isn't a problem at all except can you see me in a relationship with a virgin who doesn't drink ever at all whatsoever? Yeah, me neither. I'd corrupt him. Plus I'm not interested in teaching a guy how to do things in the bedroom. I have never gotten off on the teacher role. I do feel bad, though. Luckily he has accepted "I'm leaving soon so I'm on hiatus from dating" as enough of an explanation for why I won't go out with him. Sometimes being only two months from moving is a very good thing.

What else? I talked to my mom on the phone today and we had an interesting conversation. She dated the same guy during her senior year of high school and all through college, part of the college time long distance. So this guy was basically her Mike, only it was an even longer term thing. She ended up breaking up with him her senior year of college, and it was her idea to end the relationship, although obviously she felt a little bad about it. They lost touch after that, and she went on to date more guys and then she eventually met my dad a few years later and they fell in love and the rest is happy history. At her 30 year high school reunion back in 2004 she found out from mutual friends that her ex was now pretty badly brain damaged from a fall (that she later found out took place way back in 1998). A couple of weeks ago, she learned that he died. She ended up deciding to write a letter of condolence to his mother, even though she hadn't spoken to her since the break up all those years ago, and today she told me that his mother wrote her back, and one of the things she wrote was "If parents could choose their childrens' spouses, we would have chosen you for him." And Mom told me she cried. I would have, too, because how could you not? I guess that does make me wonder what his mother thought of her actual daughter-in-law, because she did have one, but that's beside the point. I just think it must be so weird for Mom to think about the whole thing. I can't imagine any of my exes not being here anymore. The weirdest thing, though, the most spooky thing, must be the validation that she definitely made the right choice all those years ago. I'm sure that even though it was her decision to leave the relationship, there must have been points in her life afterwards when she asked herself if that was the right choice. And to compare where she is now, happy and getting ready to go on vacation to Cancun with my father, with where she would be had she chosen to stay with her ex instead, must just be...I don't even know. A relief, surely, but really unsettling somehow, too, to think of how close she was to another life entirely. And I know that if they had stayed together it would have changed the course of events anyway, and maybe he wouldn't have gotten brain damaged and died because he wouldn't have been in the situation that caused his brain damage in the first place, and so on. But still. It just had me thinking this afternoon about how everything happens for a reason, and how you never can tell which way your path is going to curve next.

On that note, I'm going to continue the Crest Whitestrips experiment and then go to bed.

Defense

2007-03-27T20:35:00.000-06:00

Apparently I have to defend my thesis and take my comprehensive exam sometime during the week of April 9th. That's only two weeks from now! I know I'm going to pass, even if I only pass because my committee feels like being nice, so I'm not worried about that. I'm just worried about looking like a complete idiot when my committee asks me something and I just sit there going, "Uh...well, um..." and then they all sit there going, "Uh oh, we're sending this girl off into a Ph.D. program?" The nice thing is, that's really early. It will be kind of good to get it out of the way that early, because once that's done I'll have almost a month to kill before graduation and I can just chill. A free month sounds pretty nice to me.

Hey, here's something good: A Freebirds restaurant opened in town last week! And it's in the same shopping center as Jason's Deli and Fazoli's! Pretty much the only way that could get better would be if a Chic-fil-A opened up across the parking lot.

On a completely unrelated note, there's a show on right now called Great American Dream, or something like that, and people get to present their dream and then the audience votes to narrow it down and then the country gets to vote for their favorite dream and that person gets the funds to make their dream come true. Well, there's a woman on it tonight who wants to build a sanctuary for senior basset hounds. I actually know of her because we post to the same basset hound e-mail list. That's the only reason I'm watching this show in the first place, because I wanted to see her win. The thing is, she was up against a guy who wants to build a chicken amusement park. I was insulted that the show's producers even considered a joke like an amusement park based on chickens in the same league as a rescue shelter for homeless dogs. How are those two dreams even comparable at all?

Oh yay, Devon made it to the next round! Go to abc.com and vote for Devon and her home for senior basset hounds! I promise that it's a legitimate dream, even if she's up against a guy who wants a hair transplant (what the hell?!) and ABC is apparently trying to make it seem like a joke.

New York, Again

2007-03-26T19:08:00.000-06:00

It's pouring down rain today, so of course I picked this afternoon to go to the grocery store for the first time in almost two months. I had to stock up on everything. After the sixth trip from my car to the apartment laden down with grocery bags, I was completely soaked and really cursing myself. Why couldn't I have just waited until tomorrow? I don't know. Because once I have a plan I tend to stick to it, interfering factors be damned. And in my defense, it wasn't pouring down rain when I headed out to the store. Sure, the sky was leaden and it was clearly about to rain at any moment, but I did think that maybe I'd be able to avoid the worst of it. Oh well. By the way, I bought Crest Whitestrips at the store today, because I've never had a problem with the color of my teeth before but suddenly for the past two weeks they've been really bugging me and I feel like I'd like them better if they were whiter. So do the strips work? I hope so, considering they cost thirty bucks and they feel gross in my mouth so this better not be a total waste.

Now, back to New York. First, a brief rundown of how I ended up in Brooklyn:
Mandi and I had been on one of those double decker bus tours, and we realized as we started to head back uptown an hour into the tour that we probably weren't going to make it back to Times Square in time for the show we were supposed to see at 2:00. So since we'd already seen all the sights on the tour and would have just been stuck on the bus in traffic going uptown, I decided it would be faster for us to just get off the bus and catch the subway. And it would have been. Except that when we got down into the station, Mandi made it through the turnstile, but I didn't. I swiped my ticket and pushed the turnstile but it clicked and didn't let me through. And I couldn't swipe my card again because it was one of those unlimited use cards and the machine knew that it had just been swiped at that station so it wouldn't let me do it again. So there I was on one side of the cage and Mandi was on the other, so I told her I'd be right back and I ran upstairs to get a subway worker to fix my card. Except that there wasn't a person upstairs, and I had to go across the street to the other station entrance to speak to a human being, which wasn't exactly right across the street but across the street and a few blocks up. So I ran over there, explained to the station atttendant what had happened, and she let me into the station. Except that once I was in I realized that finding Mandi wasn't going to be all that easy. I thought I could just walk over to the train line where I thought I'd left her, but I got hopelessly lost and confused underground, and then when I finally went above-ground to see if I could buy a single-use ticket and re-enter the station a few blocks back where I'd left Mandi, I realized that I no longer had any idea what street I was on or how to get back to the station where Mandi was, since I'd gotten so hopelessly turned around running around underground for ten minutes. So basically, I ran around underground and then aboveground in far downtown Manhattan (which is NOT a simple grid like the rest of Manhattan, unfortunately) and finally I managed to reach Mandi on her cell phone for exactly long enough to say, "Go by yourself and I'll meet you there!" before losing the signal (since she was still underground and her phone wasn't working, either). I was worried about leaving Mandi by herself since it was only our second day in the city and she has never had to navigate public transportation and so she didn't know what she was doing, but I didn't know what to do since at that point there were only twenty minutes until our show was supposed to start. So then I tried to get on a train myself, only to find a sign saying that there were currently no uptown trains from the particular station I was at. So I ran back upstairs (for like the nintieth time at this point) and asked a guy where I could catch an uptown A train, and he said "Right there, where you just came from," and I told him about the signs and he said, "No, no, you're right, those signs are wrong." And so I went back downstairs, and sure enough, a voice came over the intercom and said, "Uptown A train now approaching." So I got on the supposed uptown A train and hoped that Mandi had done the same thing and that we'd both make it to the theatre in time. And then I sat there. And sat there. And sat there. And thought, "Wow, this train is going a long time without making a stop." And then when the train finally stopped I saw that the station sign said, "High Street" and that's when I realized that the reason the train had gone so long without a stop was that we had been traveling underwater to get to Brooklyn. And by that time the show was supposed to start in ten minutes so I knew I'd never make it in time. So yeah. It was just a series of one mishap after the other. Thankfully it all worked out in the end, and it makes for a good story (since this story is slightly more entertaining when I tell it in person...slightly.)

As for whether or not I was a lip slut in Manhattan (correct answer: NOT, because kissing two people does not a lip slut make) I'm realizing that to summarize every strange thing that happened while we were hanging out in New York bars would be impossible. So, the highlights:
-On Tuesday night, we went to a bar near Kymberli's apartment and got to watch an angry Scottish (Irish?) guy go storming out of the bar announcing that he was going to kill someone, I think for stealing his coat.
-On Thursday night Mandi and I put in a request for a bar that was a) not just a bar but not a club, either, more like a lounge with good music, b) a place where we could potentially find hot guys, and c) somewhat pretentious but not too hard to get into. Kymberli added the request that it be somewhere near Times Square, since we were there already after seeing Spring Awakening, and so her friend that works in the nightclub business directed us to The Living Room at the W Hotel, which fit our criteria quite nicely. We started out the night there, where we met our friend from The Color Purple and a bunch of firefighters from Los Angeles and some other random guys and then we eventually moved downstairs to the Whiskey where we intended to dance, except by that point I was too busy making out with a guy named Ted. I know, I know, who is actually named Ted? But I swear that was his name. What do I remember about Ted? Um...he's from Maryland originally, he lives in Hell's Kitchen, he's a banker, he was cute, and, well, that's enough I think. Actually, we talked for quite a long time before all the kissing and I legitimately enjoyed talking to him, although later in the night he got all girly on me and accused me of just wanting a face to make out with, which I suppose was sort of true even though I told him that was supposed to be my line, not his. There was also a very Bridget Jones's Diary-ish moment when he went to feel up my leg and I had to explain that I don't always make a habit of wearing panty hose under my pants, I was just doing it because it was freezing outside and I didn't have any boots with me so I needed some way to keep my feet warm in my dressy shoes. Ha. He seemed pretty taken with me, despite the panty hose and the fact that he assumed I was just using him, and he tried pretty hard to get me to go home with him. In the end I didn't, mostly because Kymberli really needed me at that point (she ended up having kind of a lousy night) and because deep down I knew going home with someone I had just met four hours ago wouldn't have been the brightest idea.
-I did, however, let Mandi go home with the guy she had met, the bouncer from the bar upstairs. Why I did that is beyond me, especially since she was pretty far from sober. I guess I just figured she needed to do it since she and her boyfriend broke up the week before we left on our trip and I know exactly how she's feeling these days and she can use some good distractions right now. I had the sense to at least get the guy to write down his full name, telephone number, and address for me before they left (not that he couldn't have lied about those things, but I was getting a pretty good vibe from him, and ultimately I was right, he ended up being a good guy). It was only later on the cab ride home with Kymberli that I actually looked at the address closely and realized I'd let my best friend go to the Bronx. The Bronx! At four in the moring! With a guy she had just met! Luckily she made it back to the island happy and in one piece, and the whole night made for some great stories throughout the rest of the trip.
-That same night I also decided to kiss an Irish guy named Barry. This happened after the club had already closed and Ted had given up on me and gotten a cab home. I honestly can't remember exactly how the whole thing came about. One minute I was standing outside the bar while Kymberli had a cigarette and Mandi prepared to disappear to the Bronx for eight hours, the next minute I was kissing a tall, dark-haired guy with an Irish accent. I actually thought he was faking it at first since it was just a couple of days before St. Patrick's Day and all, but he finally showed me his passport. I don't know why I kissed him. Maybe I was just taken with the accent? Actually, I think he just leaned down and started kissing me totally out of the blue and I let him. I was really amused when we stopped kissing and he shouted, "I love American girls!" I wanted to tell him that not every American girl will kiss a guy she has known for two minutes in the middle of Times Square at four in the morning, but I thought better of it. Let him go home with a story.
-I kept it tame the rest of the week. Friday night Mandi and I found this really weird bar in the East Village that was...I don't even know how to explain it, but nobody seemed like they belonged there. It had the feel of sort of an urban club, but it was full of nerdy white college kids and Asians dancing to disco music. Mandi and I stayed for a while, mostly just because we couldn't stop going, "What the...what IS this place?" I still don't know what it was all about.
-Saturday was St. Patrick's Day, which meant it was impossible to move in any bar without getting jostled and bumped all over the place. The first bar we tried was so crowded I couldn't breathe. The second place was better, but still really packed with some really strange people. Like the big bald guy that tried to hit on me. Now, big and bald may be some people's type, but it's pretty much the antithesis of mine. So when he first came up to me and started chatting, I just did a lot of, "Uhuh...yeah...okay...". I wasn't trying to be rude; part of it was just that I was trying to pay for my drink and then not get killed by all the drunk people leaping around so I couldn't really focus on the guy in the first place, but truth be told I really wasn't intrigued by him at all. So I walked away. Ten minutes later he walked straight up to me and blurted out, "Do you find me attractive?" What?! Who does that?! Talk about putting me on the spot! I didn't want to lie, but I also couldn't bring myself to be a total bitch and just say, "No." So I settled for, "Sorry, but I'm not looking for that tonight." Which served the purpose of not being completely rude but discouraging him enough so that he left me alone the rest of the night.
Then there was the cute but fratty-looking guy who shouted at the top of his lungs, "I asked Chrissy out to this song!" and when he noticed me laughing at him quickly amended the statement, at the same volume, with, "We broke up and now I'm single again!" Later I told him I'd been laughing because I'd been picturing him standing outside a girl's window with a boom box playing the song, even though I knew he really probably meant that it had just been playing in the background when he asked her out, and he got all indignant and told his friend, "This girl thinks I'm John Cusack!" Haha.
Weirdest of all was the guy holding the purse. I was waiting for Mandi to come out of the bathroom (actually ALL of the above happened while I was standing by myself waiting for Mandi to get through the bathroom line and for Kymberli to arrive from work, which just goes to show you that a single girl really shouldn't go to bars alone, ever. It was probably the single weirdest ten minutes of my life) and Purse Guy came up to me and said, "Do you like my purse?" I sarcastically told him, "Yeah, it's a good look for you. Why are you carrying a purse?" and he said, "It's role playing, I guess. She's wearing my shirt," and he gestured to the bar where a girl buying drinks was wearing his fire department shirt (there were firemen EVERYWHERE, all in town for the St. Patrick's Day parade). So I said, "Oh. That's...interesting. That's your girlfriend?" and he said, "She is for tonight. What do you think of her?" Again, what?! Who asks things like that to people they don't know at all whatsoever?! For whatever reason I replied honestly instead of just walking away, and I said, "I don't know, I can't see her face from here." He laughed, and then she came walking back towards us with their drinks. I ended up getting stuck talking with her for a moment, too, as I tried to figure out a semi-polite way to make a break for it (I'm too polite at bars, that's my problem) and when she got distracted by another conversation her boyfriend-for-the-night leaned in and whispered to me, "Well, what do you think?" and so I just said, "Eh," which was true, and he nodded his head somberly and said, "Yeah. I agree," and then he looked at me hopefully and luckily right at that moment Mandi came back and I was able to say, "Oh look, there's my friend, BYE!" What did he think he was going to do, trade up? After he'd just explained to me that he was looking for a girlfriend for the night only? Not that I'm entirely opposed to that idea, but come on, he needs to know that he can't explain that he's looking for a one night stand AND make it clear that he obviously has pretty low standards and then expect that I'm going to go, "Sure, ditch her and hang out with me instead!" Ugh.

So yeah. That's basically my trip to New York in a nutshell. I wasn't really ready to come back to Texas, and I'm already looking forward to heading out again. Next up I think I'm going to D.C. with my family, and I'm also seriously considering going to Chicago this summer to see Cassie. Of course, that all depends on what's going on with Ph.D. programs and if I need to start working somewhere this summer or not until fall. It would REALLY help to know where I'm going to be heading in two months. I wish the other schools would hurry up and let me know if I'm in or out so I could make a definite decision.

And on that note, I'm off to read Richard III for class tomorrow. I've somehow managed to get through six years of intensive theatre study, including a six week class solely on Shakespeare, without ever having read one of Shakespeare's history plays. So I guess it's about time.

New York Part II

2007-03-25T17:56:00.000-06:00

I am not in the mood to clean my apartment. Normally I clean my apartment on Fridays, but I wasn't in the mood on Friday, either. Plus I had to work, then work out, then go watch people play pool and drink Dos Equis and then have everyone over to my apartment afterwards--because have I ever mentioned that bars here close at midnight (1 a.m. on Saturdays) and that's completely ridiculous because nobody is ever done hanging out at midnight?--and so I didn't have time to clean my apartment. And yesterday I just wasn't in the mood, either. And now it's Sunday and I STILL don't feel like doing it so I'm going to write this instead.

So, about New York. I really couldn't have had a better time. Even when there were problems (like the whole subway-to-Brooklyn thing) they generally ended up working in my favor and leading to even better things

Like the snow, for example! The first couple of days we were there were beautiful. Wednesday was particularly beautiful. When I walked across the Brooklyn Bridge, it was sunny and warm enough that I was comfortable in just a short-sleeved shirt. See:

And this one, also:

Sunny! Beautiful! Probably 70-something degrees!
Then on Thursday Mandi and I were having lunch at the Oyster Bar in Grand Central Station and our waiter said, "Hope you brought a jacket, it's going to snow!" I'm used to Texas, where "It's going to snow" means it's maybe, possibly going to snow for an hour or so. But in New York if someone tells you it's going to snow, it's really going to snow. By Friday night the city looked like this [this is my favorite picture from the whole trip, by the way, taken from 'inoteca, the coolest little wine bar in the East Village]:

It was freezing, but it was so much fun, too. The snow made everything seem kind of romantic and different and it was beautiful until it all got plowed up and turned into gray slush. But it was beautiful for a while. To have the contrast of warm, sunny New York with snowy, gray New York was a nice experience.

And now for topics more interesting than the weather. Like food! It's a good thing I walked a whole lot while we were there, because, damn, did I ever eat. I love food. LOVE IT. I would gladly go on a vacation entirely devoted to eating, and Mandi is like me in that respect, so we tried a whole bunch of different restaurants, and Kymberli would come with us whenever she didn't have to be at work. We had delicious sushi at this place near where we'd catch the tram to go to Kymberli's apartment [The tram, by the way, was not a monorail, which is what I'd been envisioning whenever I'd talk to her on the phone and she'd be calling me from the tram. It was an actual aerial tramway, an enclosed box hanging on a cable, like the thing you take to the top of a mountain when you're skiing. Very odd.] Kymberli also took us to the Pinkberry in Koreatown, and I'd have eaten it four more times by now if I were still in the city. We had to get hot dogs from Gray's Papaya, of course. There was also the above-mentioned awesome wine bar in the East Village, 'inoteca, which was probably my favorite restaurant Mandi and I ate at all week. We split panini sandwiches and a bowl of these meatballs glazed with an orange/tomato sauce (sounds horrible, tasted delicious) and our waiter was awesome. When I told her I wanted to do a cheese plate but couldn't decide what to get, she asked what kind of cheese I like (answer: everything...or at least everything they'd have at a wine bar, since I love goat and sheep milk cheese and the only kind of cheese I don't like is American) and then she came back with three different kinds of cheese that were all great. She did the same thing with wine. I'd be like, "Okay, I want another red, but this time I want something smoother and lighter..." and she'd bring me the perfect thing every time. The last night we were in town we went to Bobby Flay's restaurant Bar Americain. We splurged, big time, but it was well worth it. There was a lot of other eating, too, but I'm trying to remind myself again that food talk is only interesting to me.

Let's see, what else? Well, there were the shows, of course. That's why we were there, after all. We ended up seeing A Chorus Line, Spring Awakening, and The Color Purple. All three of the shows were amazing in different ways. I think we must have seen the three best shows playing on Broadway right now. And if we didn't and there's something better out there, then wow, the calibur of show on Broadway right now is impressive. I especially loved Spring Awakening and The Color Purple. Spring Awakening was just so different, almost like being at a concert instead of a show. I think if I were taking a non-theatre person to New York I'd take him or her to Spring Awakening, for sure. The cast was hot, the music was great, and the singing was very strong (Kymberli will be pleased to know, because she keeps asking me about it, that the original cast recording is being delivered to my apartment as we speak). Oh, and the set and lighting was so cool! As for The Color Purple, I can give it one of my biggest endorsements, which is that I cried. In fact, I cried through the whole curtain call and for five minutes after the show was over. And I felt like a fool because we were sitting in the second row and so during the curtain call the entire cast could see that I was crying. Which probably makes them happy, that they clearly touched their audience, but still. I rarely cry, even when I am feeling emotionally taken by a show or movie, so the fact that I was emotionally involved enough to cry means a lot. I always feel like such an idiot when I talk about theatre here. I study theatre, critiquing theatre is what I do for a living, for god's sake, and all I can say here is a variation of, "It was so cool!"? It's like there is no in-between for me. I can either write you a three page critique of the show, or I can say, "It was good". Lame. Sorry about that.

The coolest thing about The Color Purple was that we had met one of the cast members at a bar on Thursday night, and he told us how we could get tickets for just $27. He also told us to call him if we ended up going and said that he'd give us a backstage tour. Well, Kymberli, Mandi and I got tickets and went, but we felt too weird calling him. What if he'd just been acting polite at the bar? We were afraid that if we called him three whole days after he'd given us the tip that he'd just go, "Who are you again?" So we weren't going to call him. After the show we decided to go back to the stage door just to tell him thank you for telling us how to get tickets, but when he saw us there he said, "Hey, come on in!" and he really did bring us backstage! Not only that, we got to go ON stage! It was amazing, seeing all of the props and set pieces lined up and ready to go for the evening performance and meeting cast members and thinking to myself, "I am standing on a Broadway stage!" Which is the only way I'll ever actually get to be on a Broadway stage, by the way. He was such a genuine guy, so friendly without any sort of ulterior motive, you know? It wasn't like, "Come backstage and I'll show you around and then you'll do such-and-such for me." He's just a guy that is excited about what he does and wants to share his enthusiasm with other people that are interested in the same thing. I love that.

Speaking of the bar, I haven't gotten a chance to tell you about our New York nightlife experience. And oh, there are some stories to be told. But this entry is already too long and I really do need to clean my apartment. So I promise to tell
a) the subway mishap story (because I owe you that one, too, even though it's probably not all that exciting)
and
b) about all of the weird and slightly less weird men I met in Manhattan

If I don't update about these things soon, remind me that I promised I would. Because it really is time I talked about something other than my thesis.

P.S.-The good thing about being home from New York is how cheap everything seems now. On Friday night we got dinner from Taco Cabana and I sat there for a full minute thinking, "I can't believe I just got two tacos and a drink for only $3.97!). When I mentioned this to Richie, he said, "I'm from Canada! I feel like that ALL THE TIME!"

Finished!!

2007-03-23T20:48:00.000-06:00

It has been over a week since I last posted, so I have a lot to say. I need to tell you about the rest of the New York trip, mainly, (it got even better as the week went on, which shouldn't have even been possible) and I suppose I can tell you what has been going on around here, if I can think of anything vaguely interesting.

But today all you need to know is I FINISHED MY THESIS! Okay, technially it's 99% finished. Everything is written, the references pages are done (I HATE doing works cited pages, they are the bane of my existence), the images are in, the pages are numbered, the acknowledgement and title page and all that jazz is done. The only thing it is lacking at this point is the table of contents, which I opted not to do yet just in case I have to do some editing and my page numbers change, and my vita, which I realized just a couple of hours ago that I forgot to print out and include. Oops. But for all intents and purposes, it's finished. Now it's in the hands of my committee. I'm not anticipating having to do much editing since my committee chair has been helping me edit it as I go along, and since she has already approved everything I think my other two committee members will just go along with whatever she says. So I should get it back in a couple of weeks, and then it just needs to get approved by the graduate college, which I'm not at all worried about.

You'll understand, I'm sure, why I need to go out celebrating tonight. Now that this project is done I'm hoping I'll have so much free time that I won't know what to do with myself. I mean, there IS the matter of passing my comprehensive exam, but I'm hardly worried about that at all. Remember how I mentioned that I was chosen as the "most outstanding graduate student" in my department? Well, now they're telling me that as of this week I've also been named most outstanding graduate student in the entire College of Fine Arts. I feel so stupid even typing it, and all of my friends and professors keep telling me, "That's a big deal!" and then they make fun of me for just brushing it off like it's nothing and then I feel even more silly. But I don't know what the proper reaction should be, so I just keep saying, "Yeah! It's...cool." I don't actually win anything, just recognition at the department awards ceremony and at graduation and I get some sort of medallion, apparently, and it's something to put on my resume when I'm applying for jobs one of these days, and every little thing helps so I'm definitely grateful. But yeah. I'm really not all that worried about passing my comps. I figure if the most outstanding student in the college doesn't pass the comprehensive exam, no one will. Ha.

Taking Manhattan

2007-03-14T22:03:00.000-06:00

I have so much I could tell you right now, but so far I can summarize the first two days of my trip by saying that it has been serendipitous and lucky and so far I'm having an even better time than I thought I would.
I could tell you about how Mandi and I almost missed our 7 a.m. flight on Tuesday morning and managed to get on board the plane literally five minutes before it took off, and yet somehow our bags made it onto the same flight.
I could tell you how awesome it is to have my best TCU friend and my best grad program friend together in one place and to realize that they seem to like each other as much as I like both of them.
I could ramble on and on for days about how Mandi, Kymberli and I decided on a whim to try to do the lottery for A Chorus Line tickets on Tuesday night, knowing that in order for all three of us to see the show two of us would have to win the lottery (since it's only two tickets per person), and also knowing that we'd showed up five minutes before the lottery was supposed to end and so our chance of getting tickets was slim to none. And yet Kymberli's name was drawn, and a moment later my name was drawn, too, and we sat in the very front row, so close that I could put my hand out and touch the stage, and we saw the Broadway revival of A Chorus Line for only twenty dollars!!
I could (and probably will, when I'm home and have the time) regale you with Ashley's Great Subway Debacle of 2007. To make a very long story extremely short, I missed seeing Talk Radio with the girls this afternoon because I was too busy taking the subway to Brooklyn against my will. The downside to this was that I was out the forty bucks I'd paid to order the ticket online. The incredibly awesome upside, however, was that I ended up having a wonderful afternoon on my own. I wandered around the DUMBO area and sat on a pier under the Brooklyn Bridge and ate ice cream from a shop I'd read about in my guidebook before I left home and then happened across totally by accident. Then I walked the mile across the Brooklyn Bridge footpath, something I've always wanted to do but never done before because not many other people want to walk a mile across a bridge just to take some pictures and I'd never tried to talk any traveling companion into it. But this afternoon the weather was perfect and I just so happened to be in Brooklyn by myself with no one else to answer to, so I just did it on a whim. And it was amazing, and beatiful, and so much better than I even thought it would be, and I was just having a MOMENT, you know? And finally at one point when I was almost back to Manhattan I got sort of emotionally overwhelmed with I don't even know what-being here again, thinking about 9/11 and history in general and then the strangeness of life in general, thinking about how wonderful it was to be all alone by myself for a few hours to just be independent in the city and how all this independence is such a key part of me and my life, and thinking about all of that I had to stop on the bridge and wrap my hand around one of the cables and say, "Thank you, whatever it is that put me here, because I'd never want a life other than this one, flaws and all."

There's so much I could tell you, and I will try, when I get home.

Babbling

2007-03-11T19:30:00.000-06:00

-I kind of hate that the time changed today. It's way too early for this daylight savings time nonsense, and there is no such thing as a good time to lose an hour. And I congratulated myself last night for remembering to change my clocks before I went to bed, but then I forgot to set my alarm and was twenty minutes late for work anyway. Brilliant. (And no one noticed that I was twenty minutes late for work...possibly because I am ten minutes late to work as a general rule and so twenty minutes wasn't that big of a difference, but I wonder how late I would have to be before I got the, "Where are you?" phone call.)

-I didn't even notice the effects of the time change because it was dark and rainy all day long here. We're under a flash flood and tornado watch right now. Luckily it's only 9:30 and I plan to be up working on my thesis for most of the night, because I don't like to sleep during tornado watches. I realize that's completely stupid, because what better way to die than to be clunked by flying debris while you're fast asleep and don't even have the chance to see it coming and panic? Surely sleeping through a tornado is better than being awake through one. Still, I'm going to be up well past 1 in the morning, and the tornado threat should be over by then.

-Speaking of the oh-so-fascinating topic of weather, I'm totally stumped on what to pack for my trip to New York (which starts the day after tomorrow!!). It's supposed to be between 30 to 60 degrees the whole time we're there, which is a pretty big range of temperatures, and kind of an annoying one. The day time temperatures are supposed to be in the 50s for the most part, and the 50s are the most annoying temperature range out there because I can never remember until I'm actually experiencing it if 50s is going to feel freezing to me or whether 50s is like, sweater-but-no-jacket weather. Or if it's possibly even long-sleeved-shirt-only-no-jacket-necessary weather. I mean, I'm going to bring a jacket, obviously. I'm going to bring my leather jacket, which combined with scarf, hat, and gloves is currently the warmest cold weather ensemble I own (a fact that's going to have to change very soon if I am in fact moving to the northern U.S. later this year). And Kymberli says I can borrow one of her really warm coats if I need it. But it's the other stuff that has me stumped. I don't have many clothes that are good for layering. I don't have any clothes that make me feel sexy and are also warm (another issue I'll have to remedy if I'm moving to the tundra in a few months), and it's New York City and presumably we're going to go to at least a few places where I'll want to feel attractive. So what's a girl to do? And then there's the fact that I can't carry my damn cosmetic bag on the airplane with me thanks to that stupid no liquids rule and so I either have to pack it in my big suitcase and take up valuable clothing space or I have to just check it by itself and assume it's very likely going to arrive at JFK crushed up and oozing shampoo and toothpaste and reeking of Very Sexy for Her. Or I can pour all of my liquid things into 3 oz. or smaller containers and place all of it in a plastic bag and who the hell has the time or inclination to do that?!

-To change the subject completely-which is I guess why I'm doing bullet points in the first place-one of my co-workers waited on this truly gluttonous couple at work today. First of all, they each had a salad but drowned the salads in so much ranch dressing that really, they should have just eaten bowls of ranch dressing with a spoon and thrown a couple of carrot slices into them. Then they each ordered a steak combo, which is a big enough meal in the first place since it's a sizable steak and comes with veggies and mashed potatoes and spinach artichoke dip. Oh, and a dessert at the end, too. So that's more than enough food for any normal person, right? Especially considering they already had all that ranch dressing. But then they made their potatoes loaded mashed potatoes, which means they get covered in cheese, bacon, and sour cream. Which is an okay indulgence once in a while (you know me, I'm all about everything in moderation), but is it wise to indulge in loaded mashed potatoes when you're already eating the combo meal and a gallon of ranch dressing? And if you DO decide to indulge in loaded mashed potatoes, what makes you think it's necessary to make it a DOUBLE ORDER? They each had an entire soup bowl of loaded mashed potatoes! I mean, that alone right there would be a full meal for me. An unhealthy meal, sure, but a full one. And then. Then! Naomi comes back to the kitchen and fills up a bowl with Saltine crackers and takes them the bowl of crackers and a container of melted butter because along with all that other junk they wanted to DIP CRACKERS INTO A BOWL OF PURE BUTTER AND EAT THEM. Just thinking about it is making my heart hurt. And it probably goes without saying that they each weighed 300 pounds, easily. Why would you do that to yourself? I just...you know what, I'm not even going to say anything else about that because I can't even wrap my mind around it, to be totally honest. There is poor eating habits, and there is lack of exercise, and most of us do that at least sometimes to a certain extent. And there are genetic issues, and there is the way you were raised to make food choices (I do not think it's entirely a coincidence that I crave turkey and mustard on wheat while someone else might crave the triple bacon cheeseburger instead) and those factors come into play, but at some point it just gets disgusting. Sorry to say it that bluntly, but it's true. And this couple had definitely crossed the line from mildly overindulgent to scary.

-Speaking of indulgences, although not disgusting ones, I spent eighty dollars in Austin on Friday night. I hardly ever spend that much money on a night out, mostly because I don't have the sort of cash flow to regularly spend eighty bucks on a night out. Although if I did I'd be regularly having nights like Friday night because Friday night was awesome. It's nights like Friday that make me realize how easily I could become a very high maintenance woman, if given the opportunity. I went out with Mandi, Richie, and John, and we started out at Kenichi because Mandi got addicted to their calamari on our last trip there and wanted to get some for dinner. So I was all happy to be at Kenichi, where I can watch beautiful and trendy people and pretend to be hip which I really like doing sometimes, and between two cocktails and edamame and a sushi roll and some sashimi and dessert, it wasn't hard to blow fifty dollars on dinner. It was fifty dollars damn well spent, though. And then we went to an entire spectrum of bars. We started out at Apple Bar, which is kind of a lounge of sorts with an older-twenties crowd...uh, my crowd, I guess, since if I'm not there already I'm rapidly approaching an age that no longer counts as "college age". Then we went to Canvas, a sort of arty bar in a warehouse where an artist hangs out in the corner and paints all evening (hence the name). Then we went to Latitude 30 where I was the only white girl and Richie was the only gay guy and I was really out of my league, frankly. I mean, I was a bit out of my league at Kenichi, too, but with the right jeans or dress I can pass as a scenester with a trust fund if need be. But I'll never be the sort of girl who can convincingly shake my ass to Ludacris or drink Henessey, no matter how hard I try. I'm not even sure I know how to spell Henessey (is that it?). Anyway, we finished the night up dancing at Spill, where Mandi and I got hit on by some really funny Puerto Rican guys and John had this conversation with a guy who spent five minutes trying to sell him a cell phone plan at 2 a.m., for whatever reason:

John: Look, buddy, we're artists. We're concerned with our art. We don't care about phones.
[Incidentally, I almost died when he said that, first from embarrassment when I thought he was being serious, and then with laughter when I realized he was joking but Mr. Cell Phone remained oblivious]
Random Phone Guy: No, man, just check this out! A phone can help you with your art!
Richie: No, seriously, you're trying to convince the wrong people. I don't have a cell phone. I don't WANT a cell phone. And none of us have money.
Random Phone Guy: I can get you a good deal, though! This isn't for the guy in the Benz.
John: We're just not interested, really. You're wasting your time.
Random Phone Guy: No, listen, I can hook you up with something really good, something that can help you with your career.
John: Tell you what. If your phone can explain Hegel's dialectic and Nietzsche's Apollonian and Dionysian principles, I'll think about it.
Random Phone Guy: This phone can do Hegel! It has a touch screen! Look! Touch screen! Touch screen!

And finally at that point we had to just walk away from him because he wouldn't shut up. Crazy. Wonder if he now thinks Hegel is some sort of technical phone term he should be learning about. Anyway, Friday night was awesome.

-I saw this ad on TV today for some sort of ab workout that is supposed to be four hundred and eight percent more productive than your average work out. I know absolutely nothing about math, and I acknowledge this. I will tell you, for example, that according to GRE I am better at math than only 42% of the other GRE takers. And I realize that GRE takers are a reasonably book smart pool of people to begin with and so therefore I'm probably better at math than more than 42% of the entire population of this country, but still, math is by no means my strong suit. So I'm okay with admitting that I have absolutely no idea how something can be more than one hundred percent effective. More than one hundred times effective I understand, but more than one hundred percent baffles me. And also, why would you advertise a random number like four hundred and eight? Maybe I misunderstood since I was in my bedroom and just overheard the ad playing in the living room, but isn't that really odd?

-The thesis still isn't finished. Why is the end of a project always the hardest part?

Break!

2007-03-09T16:39:00.000-06:00

I feel the need to update, although I don't know why. I have nothing to say that's not

A) The same boring school-related stuff I've been talking about for months [my thesis advisor has declared me "in good shape" and I'm determined to finish the thing as much as I possibly can before I leave on Tuesday...I mean, I'm sure I'll have to do more edits once it goes to committee, but for all intents and purposes it will be finished]

B) Completely mundane [I got a hair cut today, nothing extreme but I really like it. I'll be cleaning my apartment this afternoon because it needs to be done, badly.]

or C) Stories about how much fun I'm having right now. My life is fun to live right now, but it's always more intriguing to hear about people's hard times as opposed to their good times. That's just how it is. When people write about how great their life is, you kind of just want to hit them. [Case in point: My life is so easy right now. Minor concerns about the future, sure, but nothing major keeping me up nights. No big projects to worry about any time soon. Tons of free time. The weather is beautiful. I'm healthy, my family is healthy, my friends are healthy. No guy problems to speak of (no guy to speak of at all, truthfully, although that feels like a very minor issue these days). I threw a party last night and it was really laid back and so much fun. We're thinking about bar hopping in San Antonio this weekend for a change, which should also be fun. I'm going to New York in three days...like I said, fun to live, not exactly entertaining reading]

The only remotely bad thing going on right now doesn't even concern me directly. Mandi broke up with her boyfriend of two years on Wednesday night, and I think it's the right decision (I mean, if she gets back with him I'll be supportive because he's a nice guy and only she knows what goes on in their private life, but for now I think she's making the right decision in at least taking a break) but it's really hard for her and she's sad and since I was in a very similar position this time last year it's making me extra sad for her because I know exactly how she feels and I know there's nothing I can do to make her feel better in any significant way. I'm hoping New York will be really good for her and take her mind off of everything.

But yeah. I'm here and doing well, and now there's a whiny basset hound at my feet that wants to go for a walk, so I'm out of here.

Can You Make it Hot for Me?

2007-03-07T00:29:00.000-06:00

So yesterday Shane, Gus and I drove up to Dallas for the night to go to the Justin Timberlake concert. And it was AWESOME. Everyone seems really surprised that I'm a Justin Timberlake fan, and when I got back this afternoon the cast of the show I'm stage managing was teasing me, but come on! Have you seen him dance? Have you heard the new album? Do you see the striped shirt and the skinny tie? What's not to like?!
To be honest, I don't have much to say about the concert. First of all because it was great to be there but it's probably boring to read about, and second of all because I have nothing to say that isn't going to make me sound like a sex-starved teeny bopper. It was really fun, though. Just as good as I was hoping it would be, and well worth the whirlwind trip to Dallas.
It was also really great to get to see Katy (we stayed the night with her and Scott since they live in Dallas now). We realized we hadn't seen each other since we went tubing last May. I can't believe it has been that long. It was also fun hanging out with Shane. I like spending time with Shane and we always have fun together and we get along well but we honestly don't have that much in common (in fact, I think our only common interests are Justin Timberlake and, um...hmmm...) so it was fun to do something together. I think I'll forgive him for the fact that he made me listen to the "Go Cubs Go" song in the car (I know, you're amazed that such a song even exists. So am I) and for the fact that he won't stop insisting that this elderly couple we saw outside the arena after the show were Grandma and Grandpa Timberlake. In Shane's defense, he announced that his grandparents were at the show, but these people milling around in the crowd were definitely not his grandparents. Although I am a bit curious about what prompted a 70 year old couple to go to a Justin Timberlake concert. Anyway, it was a really fun night and now I feel like fast forwarding straight to spring break because I don't want to do anything productive.

I did stage manage tonight, though, and I will tomorrow as well because the show is up and running. I hope Richie and the cast are proud of themselves, because I am proud that I get to be involved in this show. I think it turned out great. I'm going to miss working on it. But with that said, it's going to be really nice to have three free hours every week night once the show closes tomorrow.

Oh, and my computer is fixed! And I found out today that I got a perfect score on that test I took last week (one more A and my grade in that class will be 50% A and I can stop worrying about it altogether). AND I found out today that the department nominated me to the graduate college as their most outstanding graduate student. I have no idea how that is determined, or what it means exactly, but now our graduate chair lobbies the graduate college on my behalf since I guess the ultimate goal is to be named the top student in the graduate college. I don't know what you get if you win, probably just bragging rights, I guess. I should be excited about this, but instead I'm just thinking, "Really? Why me?" I just do what I feel like I need to do, you know?

How brilliant, well-established, and self-confident do you think you have to be before you can just smile and say, "Oh yeah, of course I'm the best," when someone tells you that you are?

And on that note, I'm out of here. One week until I head to New York, which means one week to totally finish the thesis. And other than the fact that the thesis deadline is still looming over my head, I have to say I'm feeling pretty damn good about life right now.

Best Band Name Ever

2007-03-03T23:34:00.000-06:00

For reasons I don't entirely understand (yet another manifestation of their mutual midlife crises?) my parents are in Las Vegas AGAIN this weekend. I swear, every time I have talked to them in the past year they're either getting ready to go or have just returned from Vegas. And neither of them even gamble all that much (well, Dad is crazy about sports betting, but he does that at home anyway and doesn't need to go to Vegas for that). My parents, who are 50 years old, are going to Las Vegas every two months or so primarily to go clubbing. I'm not making this up. Hey, they're really happy, so good for them. Plus I'd much rather have a MILF for a mom then one of those ladies in a cat sweatshirt. I'm definitely not complaining.
Tonight--again for reasons I don't entirely understand--they're at a Christina Aguilera concert. The opening acts are Danity Kane and the Pussycat Dolls. Mom just sent me a text message informing me that Dad couldn't remember the name "Danity Kane" and so he called the group "Akita Dan". Akita Dan! I DIED when she told me that. I don't know why that's so funny, but it is. Akita Dan. I mean, it's not any more stupid than Danity Kane. In fact, it's much, much better.
Then a few minutes later Mom sent me another message saying my dad accidentally dropped his cell phone in his drink and that it's broken. How that happened is totally beyond me, but whatever. I think it's kind of funny, too, although not as funny as Akita Dan.

So my parents are tearing it up on Las Vegas. I on the other hand am lying on the couch with my basset hound on my lap getting ready to take a four hour nap and then do more work on my thesis. Maybe I'll be cool when I'm 50.

P.S.

2007-03-03T00:57:00.000-06:00

I knew there was something else I meant to tell you!

So yesterday out of the blue a guy friend from college IMed me. We hadn't spoken in well over a year, so it really was out of the blue. I'm not sure how to describe my relationship with this guy. The simplest way to put it is that he's a guy who was always more interested in me than I was in him. Which is not to say I wasn't interested in him at all, because we had a certain amount of chemistry and I think he's a nice, entertaining guy. And we had some "moments", if you will. But he just never did all that much for me. And it didn't help that for a period of time Kymberli was pretty interested in him. That obviously would have put a kink in things had I actually been interested in him in a serious way, and since I wasn't interested in him in much of any way at all, it was even more reason for me to just kind of laugh off his advances. Which is what I spent much of senior year of college doing.
He caught me off guard and kissed me once at a Christmas party, and there was a period of about a week during spring of senior year when I was on the outs with College Ex and briefly considered whether I could date this friend, but after going on a couple of dates I realized that I was forcing things and just didn't feel the same spark he apparently thought he did. He is also the friend behind the "This is not a pleasure shower, this is a business shower" story, a story that has now become somewhat infamous here at grad school, mostly because my friend Amanda loves it an insists I tell it to everyone. Maybe I'll tell that story one of these days, although it's an entry in and of itself. But I'm sure you can sort of infer what happened just from the story's title.
At any rate, this guy and I had an interesting friendship that definitely could have become something more and I think would have become something more had he had his way. Instead I moved down here, and he started dating someone else seriously after I moved.
Well, lo and behold he's suddenly IMing me again. And why am I not at all surprised to hear that he broke up with his girlfriend extremely recently (like, days ago)? Guys love to do this to me. Every guy that I've ever dated seriously, or casually, or not even dated but almost-dated, has eventually tried to come back around. Some of them have done it multiple times. For the most part, I try not to encourage them when they do this (the notable exception of Mike notwithstanding, even though I mostly know better now). I know I should be flattered, and I am. It's good that the guys from my past think of me fondly enough that every time they end a relationship they dust the memories off again and wonder why we let each other go in the first place. But of course the flip side to that coin is that if I'm really good enough to keep them coming back, why did they let me go in the first place (because even if I was the one that let them go technically, they let it happen)?
I referred to myself as "back burner girl for the whole world" when I was telling this story to Kymberli just now, and I was mostly joking, but really! What are all these guys going to do when I'm seriously off the market one of these days? They can't keep thinking I'm always going to be there for them, because I'm not. I'm ALREADY not. As a friend, yes, of course. As anything else, well, I think College Ex got a wake up call last time he came down here and realized I was serious about just wanting to be friends. I suppose I'll have to get to that point with this guy eventually, too, if it comes to that. I don't hang out on the back burner these days. Hell, at this point I don't think I'm even on the stove. But that's gotta be better in the long run than being the girl he comes back to. For someone, I want to be the girl he never leaves in the first place.

So Not Funny That it Is

2007-03-02T22:22:00.000-06:00

For those of you utterly fascinated by my progress, the bulk of my thesis-about 90% of it-is due on Monday ("preferably by Monday", which I'm pretty sure is a nice way of saying "Monday").
So what happened today?
My computer died.
How many completely and utterly cliched things can I manage to do in one lifetime? I'm already the girl that lost her virginity on prom night. Now I'm also the girl whose computer died three days before her thesis is due. It's not funny, except that it sort of is because really, what are the odds?
I was on the phone with Dell for over an hour, and it finally got to the point where the guy had me taking my computer apart with a flathead screwdriver, which freaked me out and didn't fix anything. Eventually he determined that my screen is fried somehow, and someone from Dell is supposed to come out here and replace it, hopefully on Sunday. Getting it fixed on Sunday doesn't help me much, obviously. So I freaked out and cried for two minutes and then realized it could be a lot worse. At least my hard drive is fine. In fact, if I hold my laptop at an incredibly bizarre angle near a bright light, I can almost see what's happening on the screen, and so I was able to move some of my research files to my zip drive (with much frustration). And the other good news is that all of the pages I've already written are printed out already, so at worst I'll just have to retype the whole thing. It could be a million times worse. Still, it sucked. Thankfully my sister isn't using her computer much these days so she drove down here and dropped it off so I could use it for the weekend.

Anyway, I'm getting back to work. I have way too much to do this weekend.

P.S.-So that ugly bruise I had? It's almost 100% gone! I'm amazed. My massage therapist did a cream rather than oil massage (shut up, pervs) on Sunday and mentioned that the cream he used would help with bruising, but wow! I wasn't expecting results this amazing! My body normally holds onto bruises for weeks. All I know is it had arnica in it, which I know is meant to relieve bruising, but seriously, I didn't think I'd be this impressed. It looked better immediately, like the next morning, and now it's gone!

Just Rambling

2007-02-28T01:13:00.000-06:00

I spent the weekend eating sushi and drinking raspberry mojitos and getting massages (okay, just one massage, but it was wonderful and I really wish I could get one monthly because I think it's really good for my body) and now I don't really feel like being responsible anymore.
I had a midterm in my class tonight and I feel like I did okay considering how little I studied and how much I just don't care right now. That's the only problem with knowing that I already have a plan for the fall if I want it: now I don't see the point of putting much effort into stuff here when even if it's just mediocre it's not really going to make a difference. I just have to pass. I just have to finish. And I can do both of those things with a minimal amount of effort, so I can already feel myself getting incredibly lazy.
I am going to finish my thesis this week, though, or at least attempt to finish the bulk of it, if only because I really don't want to have to worry about it over spring break.

Just out of curiousity, I started looking online at apartments in my potential future home today. Not that this is a necessary step at this point because nothing is definite right now, obviously, but it was just something to do to waste time when I should have been studying. The thing is, it just stressed me out because they're already renting apartments for fall 2007 and I feel like by the time I'm actually ready to look for an apartment anywhere, everything "good" is going to be gone. It also stressed me out because it's hard to find an apartment that is pet friendly. It's even harder to find a pet friendly apartment or house that would give me the space to get a second dog, which is what I really want. I'm already trying to talk myself out of the idea of getting a sibling for Cohen. I don't think he's unhappy being my only dog, I just know he'd be happier in the long run if there was another canine member of our "pack" and I'd hate to wait until he's 6 or 7 years old to try to introduce a second dog. The weird thing is that all of the places I was reading about today have "pet rent", a monthly charge I'd have to pay for Cohen and Jose. I'm not opposed to that, and obviously I'm going to do whatever I need to do to keep my animals with me, but I find the pet rent concept really strange and would rather just pay a one-time pet deposit like you do here. The nice thing, however, is that the cost of renting an apartment doesn't seem to be substantially more expensive up there than it is here.
It's still so weird to think that in a few months I'll be living somewhere else (well, in a few months I'll probably be living in El Paso, but THEN I'll be living somewhere else). I'm not going to lie, I'm sort of nervous about it. I just don't like the six month adjustment period. Part of it is really exciting and fun, but there's the lonely part, too, which will be lonelier than ever this time since this will be the first time I'll move and truly know NOBODY where I'm going. And then there's the fact that I just really hit my stride here a year or so ago, so it seems too early to already be leaving here. I love my friends here. I love the way all of us grad students get along so well this year. Even the professors are commenting these days on what a unique, cohesive group we are and how great it is that we get along so well with each other. I think if you didn't know which of us were second years and first years and which of us were history/crit or directing you'd never be able to tell just by watching us together. It's great, the feeling that we all belong here and were meant to end up together here at this point in our lives. That sounds cheesy, but it's true. So I'm going to hate to leave everyone here. I'd never dream of staying, of course, because you can't hold on to times like this. These circles of friends form under specific circumstances and in specific moments and even if nobody leaves they eventually fall apart anyway. Still, it's going to be hard to leave in May.

Vacation Planning

2007-02-23T23:40:00.000-06:00

With less than three weeks until we're in New York, Mandi and I finally got with the program tonight and did some real planning. We (me, Mandi, and Kymberli) now have tickets to see Spring Awakening and Talk Radio. I'm really excited about both, especially Spring Awakening, which I've been hearing really great things about. We wanted to try to get tickets to Wicked, too, but I'm not about to pay $250+ for tickets to a show. That's ridiculous. The only seats left were "premium seats". I figure maybe we'll try the lottery or the TKTS booth for that one, or maybe we'll decide that two Broadway shows is enough for us and we have other things to do.
As for other things I really want to do while I'm there, the only thing I'm dead set on trying to do is visit the Metropolitan Museum of Art because I've been to New York three times but somehow never been there. Other than that I'm hoping that Mandi will want to call a lot of the shots, because it is her first time there and I feel like she needs to try for her ideal experience (and I'm happy to do anything, frankly). I'm getting really excited about seeing Kymberli, too. It already feels like it has been years since we saw each other in Las Vegas.

I'm still on an emotional high from getting into a Ph.D. program so everything has been making me happy lately [incidentally, when I do have 100% definite plans I will do a post letting you know what program(s) accepted me...it will just be a temporary post, but I don't intend to leave you in the dark forever if you actually read my nonsense regularly]. I'm also really excited because my parents are coming to town tomorrow and we have a fun weekend planned. Tomorrow a big group of us is going to dinner at Kenichi. Sushi! It's Shane's belated birthday dinner since he turned 20 earlier this month. Shane is bitching (in a mostly joking way) that now it has turned into a celebration for me, too, but as far as I'm concerned it's still Shane's birthday party and that's it. Then since my parents are being all extravagant and staying at the Four Seasons again (lucky bastards), Mom made us massage appointments at their spa for Sunday, which I'm so excited about. I'm afraid my massage therapist is going to be horrified, though, because my entire body is covered in bruises from that stupid scene I did earlier this week. Zak and I tried to be careful and not actually injure each other, but I have a fairly visible bruise on my right calf, another one on my back, and a HUGE bruise on the upper part of my right thigh. I am so amazed by this bruise that I kind of want to take pictures and document it, except that's disgusting. I think it will be bathing suit season before this bruise fades completely, that's how intense it is. Sick.
Sunday Chelsea and I are also going to try to have a little birthday party for Morty and Cohen. Speaking of which, today is Cohen's birthday! My "baby" is two years old now! Time flies. I remember when I could hold him in one hand, and now he's 46 pounds of howling hound dog.

What I haven't figured out yet is when I'm going to get any thesis work done this weekend and when I'm going to study for my midterm on Tuesday because my weekend schedule is basically
Saturday:
8:30-10:30: Wake up and clean the apartment/groom the basset (ideally-I may in fact sleep in spite of my best intentions)
10:30-4ish: Shift at the restaurant
6:00: Run box office for the show
8:00: Dinner with everyone, and I'm sure I'll get home way too late to get anything accomplished

Sunday:
11:00: Work out (again, ideally)
12:30: Another box office shift
3:00: Massage
4:30ish: Dog birthday party
Evening: Dinner with my family, probably

So I can probably do a tiny bit of work tomorrow afternoon if I get ambitious, and I can hopefully get some work done late Sunday night. But basically, the bulk of my studying/writing will have to get done Monday and during the day on Tuesday, and I don't have a whole ton of time then, either, because rehearsals for Richie's show are in high gear now since we open March 6th. Plus we need to spend Monday morning at Goodwill looking for props.
But don't even bother telling me how stupid it is to prioritize things like dog birthday parties and massages over my studies because I realize how ridiculous I am. I also realize life is too short to be responsible all the damn time.

Accepted!

2007-02-21T16:50:00.000-06:00

You can ignore this morning's post if you want to, because I just checked my mail and had an official letter that says "Congratulations! We are pleased to inform you of your admission to The ___ ____ University Doctor of Philosophy degree program for Theatre for Autumn Quarter 2007."

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My mind is completely blown. I seriously never thought I'd get in anywhere for the fall. To know that I have been accepted somewhere and have a place to go in the fall for sure is such a weight off my shoulders. I'm not going to have to move back to El Paso and bartend indefinitely! I have a plan! A plan that might change if I somehow manage to get accepted somewhere else, too, but still! A plan!
I'll be starting a Ph.D. program in the fall. It feels so good to type that!

There are still a ton of unknowns. I don't know what sort of financial package or job they're offering me (if any) for one thing. And I suppose there is a little bit of chance that I could end up with more than one offer, in which case I have no idea what the heck I'd do. But maybe I won't have that (admittedly good to have) dilemma. Maybe I'm already set and just don't know it yet.

Either way, today is a day for celebrating.

On the downside, I guess this means I actually do have to finish my thesis on time and pass my comprehensive exam because, hey, I have things to do! My regalia came in the mail yesterday, too, another incentive to get my act together and finish up here. I can't believe that all of this is actually going to happen.

Not Exactly Jumping Up and Down Yet, But...

2007-02-21T11:34:00.000-06:00

So I woke up about an hour ago and on a whim I decided to check my application status at all of the schools I applied to last month. I already know Stanford said no (yes, it was Stanford, if I never mentioned that...do you see why I'm not exactly surprised that I didn't get accepted there? It really is quite a bit out of my reach, and more of a directing program than a dramaturgy program to boot, so not surprising at all). Also, I figure I can tell you the names of the schools I don't get into because the only reason I'm not telling you the others is that if I do get accepted and end up moving there I don't want to give out that much identifying information. Not that any more than six people actually read this thing, but still, I'm a little paranoid.
Anyway. I couldn't remember my screenname or password to log onto my application at the other California school, and I gave up on trying to figure it out, so I still don't know about that one. One of the schools up north is still pending, as is never-gonna-happen-longshot-number-two-east-coast school. And at the other east coast school I went to check my application and it says my application status is incomplete, which is completely screwed up because I'm 100% positive it was complete when I submitted it and paid the application fee last month. I'm hoping that the website is just being wonky and that they do in fact have all of my information on file; I have an e-mail out to someone right now hoping to clear that all up.
So then I checked my application status at the other school up north, and it listed all of my information and the program I'd applied to and all of that stuff, and then it said this:
"Status: You will receive a letter requesting that you confirm your plans to attend ____ _____University. Please confirm your intentions to enroll by APRIL 16, 2007."
I haven't received anything else from them yet, not an official letter or anything like that. They did send me a personal e-mail last week requesting my FAFSA information (you know, an e-mail addressed to me that didn't feel computer-generated and as if it had been sent to every applicant automatically), but that's all I've gotten so far. Still...does that sound like an acceptance to you?
I mean, surely that's not their idea of an "application pending" message. If so, that would be very misleading. If they're wanting me to confirm my intentions to enroll, that probably means I'm in, right?
I'm going to wait a week or two to see if I get an actual letter in the mail, and if not I'll call them to clarify. But...I think I might have actually gotten accepted somewhere!
This could still just be blah. They might be offering me no money at all whatsoever. It might be a computer error. I'm not counting my chickens yet, exactly.
But I'm feeling pretty hopeful right now, I must say.

Sundays

2007-02-18T23:26:00.000-06:00

So it's Sunday night at 11:30, and I'm once again doing what I always do on Sunday nights now. Namely, I'm thinking of a million ways to procrastinate so I don't have to do any thesis writing even though I desperately need to be working on it because I have pages due on Tuesday morning, as usual. This week will mark the halfway point for me, if I actually get any writing done. I'm just finding this whole process really tiring, because each week I get a little bit done and I feel that relieved, mission accomplished feeling, but then the next day it starts all over again and I'm really tired of it. This does not bode well for possibly writing a dissertation one of these days, huh? At least I'm still on track. And I've already finished my reading for class this week, so that's...something.
The play I'm stage managing is going really well. As long as the actors keep up their end of the bargain and get off book this week like they're supposed to, I think we'll be in good shape. The scene I'm acting in is going less well, although it has been getting better lately. It has just been the most frustrating experience because basically the scene is a comedic attempted rape. Yes. Comedic attempted rape. Thank you, Peter Shaffer, for writing the most impossible scene ever. There is nothing funny when a guy pushes you down onto a bed and forces you to kiss him and tries to do more when you're not interested. It's just not funny. It's hard to play things like "frustrated" and "oh ho ho, he's so goofy and nerdy and going about this the wrong way", because really, it's just kind of scary. I think in real life, even if the person is your best friend and you're almost 100% positive that nothing much will actually happen against your will, it's still scary. So I'm having a heck of a time finding motivation in this scene. Plus my scene partner has to push me backwards off of a chair onto the floor and then pick me up and toss me onto a bed and kiss really forcefully and sloppily along my neck and jaw and he's kind of scruffy so I leave rehearsals now with my entire neck and jawline bright red. And I'm bruising myself from all the crashing around. And he's trying not to hurt me but apparently I suddenly have the most sensitive skin ever. Also, I'm sure there's a safer, saner way to block this scene but we're all about the realism and frankly, I don't have time to spend hours learning believable stage combat. It's stupid, but in my mind a little pain is worth the time saved. Plus I get to say, "I do my own stunts!" as I'm crashing out of the bed for the dozenth time.
I'm taking my cat and my dog to the vet together tomorrow. Jose needs his annual check-up, and Cohen needs his bordatella vaccine so he can stay at the kennel for a few days while I'm in New York (Chels will watch him the rest of the time). I booked their appointments together so I wouldn't have to make two vet trips this month, but now I'm thinking that poor Jose is going to be stressed out by basset baying as he's getting his shots. Poor cat.
Last night I had a very bizarre exchange with a guy at a bar in Austin. I was out with a bunch of my friends (Mandi and Jason, Jason's best friend whose name I can't spell, Debbie, and Richie) and we went to this bar on west 6th at the end of the night. As Debbie and I were standing at the bar ordering our drinks, this guy standing down the bar from me caught my eye. He was really good looking so I gave him one of those "Yes, I saw you looking at me and now I'm acknowledging that I'm looking at you, too, so feel free to approach me" looks, and I saw him lean over and say something to his friend and gesture at me and Debbie, and then I lost sight of him in the crush of people at the bar. A moment later the guy was standing behind me with his hands on my shoulders, and he sort of rubbed my shoulders and said, "So, can we use your credit card?" I pulled out from under his hands and said, "What? What are you talking about?" (I was using cash to buy my drink, which was the least of the problems with his question) and his buddy said, "You're buying, right?" and I was a bit taken aback so I didn't say anything right away and Debbie goes, "Did he just ask for your credit card?" and the first guy goes, "I thought you girls liked to have the power," and then he went to put his hands on my shoulders again and I pulled away again and walked away quickly, and Debbie said under her breath (although I wish she'd said it to his face), "Yeah. That's why we're buying our own drinks." What an asshole. Has that bit ever worked on anybody? I really hope not. I guess I could give him the benefit of the doubt and assume that he was just joking and I misinterpreted him and walked away from the situation too quickly, but no. I'm pretty sure he was just an asshole. The uninvited shoulder massage was a pretty good sign of that. I don't know you. Don't touch me. Weirdo.
I would really like to meet a normal, dateable guy.
I'll leave this disjointed entry at that.

Sorority Snooping and Other Things

2007-02-13T02:32:00.000-06:00

I wrote ten more pages tonight! So that's twenty pages down, about fifty more to go. I figure I'm more or less 1/3rd of the way finished, especially when I take into consideration that I did a ton of research yesterday for a bunch of sections beyond the two that I was actually working on this week. I still have the trickiest sections yet to write, though, so...eh. I normally like to do the hardest bits first and save the easier stuff for later, but that just hasn't been working for me this time around. I'm finding it hard to fight the writer's block on this project for some reason, so I guess I figure if I can get the easiest parts done with first I'll at least be able to go, "Look, you've already written this much, just finish the crazy thing." At least I'm sticking to my personal schedule so far. I'm proud of myself for that.

In other news, I think my College Ex must be between girls right now because he called me last night and spent forty minutes talking about how incredible and unique I am and how jealous he is of my accomplishments (huh?) and how much I inspire him and how much he loves me (eh). And while you may think that sounds lovely, it's not really. It's flattering, yes. Of course it's flattering. But it's flattering for about three minutes and then I'd like to have an actual conversation about what's going on in my life and what's going on in his life, but no, instead I just have to listen to the endless, rambling litany of praise. It gets old quickly. And although you'd never believe it by reading how much I brag about myself here, listening to someone babble on and on about me just makes me feel incredibly awkward. By the end of the conversation I was keeping a mental tally: Times he's talked about being jealous that I presented at an academic conference-3, times he has mentioned how great it was the last time he came to visit me here-9, times he has talked about how much he loves my family-4, times he has said some variation on, "You're going to get whatever you want from life"-712 million. I tried to change the subject a dozen times, but each time I got about three sentences from him and then he was right back to talking about how wonderful I am. And you might think I'm exaggerating when I say this went on for forty minutes, but no, I'm not. And it was three in the morning. I don't know why I answered the phone, honestly, since I'm sure he was drunk or high or something. I'd forgotten how exhausting it can be to try to have an actual two-sided conversation with him. I can't figure out what's going through his mind when he calls me like that. I guess I mostly get annoyed with it because I don't feel like he's really being sincere, but since I no longer let him sleep with me in any way, shape, or form and he's well aware of that, what's the point of all the flattery if it's not sincere? It also bothers me because it's not at all mutual. As much as we had a good time together in college (we did) and as much as I care about him as a friend (I do) and as much as I don't regret all the time we spent together (I don't-at least not most of it), I don't love him like he claims to love me. From my perspective, our entire relationship was based on sexual chemistry, something I sort of realized but didn't fully acknowledge at the time, even though I was well aware that my favorite thing about him was not the sparkling conversation or the respect he showed me (ha!). The minute the sexual chemistry died, though--and what exactly killed it is still sort of a mystery, but it did die for me, utterly and completely, a little more than a year ago--everything else died, too. Unlike my feelings for Mike, I have no pressing, incessant desire to keep this guy in my life. I value his friendship and am happy to see him when I see him, but it's not a friendship that I feel the need to continue to put a lot of effort into. Talking once or twice a year would be perfectly adequate, as far as I'm concerned. And I certainly don't rehash and analyze our relationship. In my mind, it breaks down like this: I was at a point where I felt like experimenting with a casual relationship, we had a lot of sex and it was good, I tried to convince myself that maybe we could have something more than just sex but knew all along that really I was just in it for the sex, I eventually got tired of just sex and no commitment, I know he's not the sort of guy I want to be committed to, end of relationship. It's so simple. Yet it seems like in his mind it's something different. He has seemingly put me on a pedestal now that it's over, and the fact that he thinks of me like that or even feels the need to pretend to think of me like that when I rarely think of him at all makes me feel a little guilty.
And last night he told me he wants to come down here and visit me again, which...why? I just don't get it what's going through his head, I really don't.

Speaking of guys, Mike is talking to me again. My plan worked. I'm happy about that. Who knows how long the peace will last this time, but I like it better when we're trying to be friends, so that's good. And I'm proud of myself for being so rational and having it actually work in my favor.

Finally, on an entirely unrelated note, I seem to have somehow accidentally ended up on an e-mail list for the Delta Gamma sorority chapter here on campus. I have no idea how this happened, but I have yet to bother to get anyone to correct the error because I am horribly amused by the e-mail I have been getting. It seems to mostly be e-mails from an upperclassman to a group of new members. She types everything with exclamation marks. She also uses a pink font. Every e-mail ends with the phrase "Go out and Do Good!", and so I assume Do Good is a play on DG/Delta Gamma. This week's e-mail was particularly hilarious because first she referred to the "date party" over the weekend (oh man) and then she told everyone that they have to bring a flower representing themselves to this week's meeting (I really hope someone has a sense of humor and shows up with a dead flower or a weed) and then she talked about some "Daddy and Daughter" dinner which, I'm sorry, is that not incredibly creepy? "Father/Daughter" is acceptable, but "Daddy and Daughter" somehow just gets a little too Freudian and weird for my taste. And a little too "I'm sixteen years old and I'm whining because I got the BMW instead of the Jag I really wanted at my outrageously overpriced birthday party which will be featured on MTV". The best part was the part where everyone was reminded to "Dress in a Valentine's theme for the meeting: red, pink, or white shirt, jeans, and cute shoes!"
Why, why, why would any sensible woman in this day and age want to belong to a group that demands she wear "cute shoes!"? I understand--okay, I don't understand--but I could probably be convinced to see some of the positives of sorority life. Like, um...sisterhood (mostly patently false, but I bet you do meet at least a few true friends, as you do in any group of people). And I like traditions so doing something hundreds of other women have done before you, okay, that's cool. And the networking opportunities, okay, fine, I'll buy that, too. But I'm not going to include charitable contributions as a positive because only about 2 girls in any given sorority really want to do the charity work and would do it regardless of their sorority affiliation.
So yeah, I grudgingly admit there are some positives to sororities. But the simple fact is that all of those things--the friendship, the traditions, the networking--can be found in other venues. There are service fraternities, there are religious groups if that's your thing. There are a ton of groups you can join if you're that sort of join-y person that don't involve mandates on the kind of clothes you can wear and don't have philosophies that belong in the 1950s (only a twisted, corrupted 1950s where girls don't even pretend to be classy anymore and instead slut around in their halter tops and cute shoes...I'll bet you half of them got wasted before going to said "date party").
I know I technically am in no position to judge, if only because I haven't experienced it first-hand and how can you judge something if you've never tried it yourself? But I've seen it secondhand, and that's more than enough to leave me wondering why any sensible girl with a reasonable amount of self-esteem would subject herself to that sort of environment.
*Also, I'm fully aware that I make most of these judgments based on the view of sorority life I got living on campus at TCU and living with Katy [who dropped out of her sorority eventually, incidentally] I've been told by people at other schools that their sororities "aren't like that" and that TCU is an extreme case...but from what I've seen they're exactly the same here and at UT as they were there, so I think it's safe to assume that Texas at least is kind of screwy about this sorority stuff.
**Also, please don't take this as an assumption that I dislike sorority girls. Individually, I like almost all of the sorority girls I got to know personally in college. I love Katy, and she started out as the ultimate sorority girl. It's the philosophy of sororities that I'm railing against, not the people that subscribe to that philosophy.

There is No Narrative Flow to This Entry

2007-02-10T19:48:00.000-06:00

Just an update to let you know that I was absolutely right about my idiot manager at work. Remember how he only scheduled me four times during the two weeks I was here over winter break not doing anything at all whatsoever, with tons of time to kill, time in which I would have liked making money? Remember how I said something about how knowing his idiocy he'd start scheduling me for five shifts a week once school started and I was really busy? Yeah. That is EXACTLY what happened. The past two weeks I had five shifts each week. This week I had four. I realize they're short staffed right now, but I'm really starting to get pissed off. I'm actually managing my time alright right now, and I have to admit that the money I'm making is making me very happy. He has also been scheduling me for all day shifts, which is a good thing. Still, I'm annoyed that I was right about him.
I still kick around the idea of quitting, but I am finally at a point where I like my coworkers and kind of look forward to seeing them at work (some of them, anyway). And did I mention I like the money? It's nothing but extra money in my pocket, money that doesn't have to go towards bills or food, money that I can fritter away on alcohol and dinner out and concert and airplane tickets and all that fun stuff, although I try to be smart and save at least part of it. Plus I doubt I'd use the hours I'm currently working productively anyway if I wasn't working. I'd probably just sleep and read more blogs, to be honest. So I won't actually quit, at least not right now. But I might threaten to quit if I don't start getting a more reasonable 2-3 shifts a week schedule. I think I am a good enough employee that if I threatened to quit at this point they'd do what they need to do to keep me. It's hard to find people who actually prefer to work day shifts in the restaurant business.

Speaking of my tip money, I used some of it to go out in Austin last night and had one of the best nights I've had in a while. Debbie's boyfriend is in town, and since none of us have ever met him before she decided we all needed to go out together, so EVERYONE went to Austin for dinner. It was a really mixed group: a bunch of my usual gang of grad student buddies-Debbie (of course), Richie, Amanda, and John-and then Amanda's roommate Claire, Claire's boyfriend Jacob, Jeff (an actor in the play Richie and I are working on), and then three people I'd never met before-Chris (Debbie's boyfriend) and two of Debbie's friends from her hometown, Laura and Jake. There were enough of us that they gave us a private room at the Indian restaurant we went to for dinner, which we were thankful for because theatre people are loud. I don't think it can be helped, we just are. And it doesn't seem to matter whether or not you're an actor, because actually most of my friends here are either historians or directors, and we're still always the loudest table in any given bar/restaurant. We acknowledge this, and we try to keep it down, and we don't do ridiculous things on purpose for attention (which, stereotypical but true, is a young actor thing to do) but we're just loud. So having a private room was nice. After dinner we went to the pub across the street and I had a cider beer and just enjoyed the company. It was one of those nights where I looked around a warmly-lit room at a bunch of laughing people and thought, "I adore being with these people, and if this is as good as my life is ever going to get, then I have done pretty darn well for myself."

Which is a good feeling, considering I somehow managed to lose a friend this week. Everything had been going well between me and Mike since the new year began. I made a resolution that this is the year I stop caring about him in any sort of romantic way, and it seemed to be working. I wrote here after Rachel's wedding that I suddenly knew I really was done with him romantically, and that honestly seems to be true. It's liberating, I feel good, and I was happy with our friendship. And then suddenly as of last Monday, we're no longer speaking. And it's the damndest thing, because I don't even remember what exactly we were talking about when he said, "Fuck you, leave me alone." We were having a kind of serious conversation about some of our typical hot button issues, the things that we've argued about on and off for the past five years (things on this list include: me moving to Fort Worth for college and supposedly choosing my career over our relationship, me leaving him for my college ex, me maintaining that he was the one to suggest an open relationship in the first place all those years ago [which is TRUE!], him leaving me for Jenny last year, him choosing sex with random girls over our relationship, him holding onto unnecessary jealousy and anger and blaming me for things he won't let me fix, me worrying that he doesn't know what he really wants, me claiming that I can't trust anyone who says they love me now that he said he saw himself marrying me but then changed his mind, him claiming I screwed him up for life as far as relationships go and all his meaningless sex is my fault [perhaps that Numerology report wasn't so off the mark after all?] etc., etc.). But I didn't think we were talking about anything that major, and we certainly weren't talking about anything we haven't already talked about before. I didn't say a single thing about him or me that he didn't already know, and yet now after that conversation he's no longer speaking to me. I spent a few days text messaging him a lot and calling him a few times a day only to have him reject my call every time, and finally yesterday I was like, "Why am I doing this?" He had a severe overreaction to the whole conversation, which leads me to believe that there is something bad going on his life right now that has absolutely nothing to do with me. So I'm not going to blame myself, and I'm not going to keep pushing him to tell me why he wants to stop speaking to me. When you really think about it, who cares why? No matter what he tells me I'm sure I won't think it's a good, valid reason. So what's the point in knowing? The fact of the matter is, for reasons only he knows, he needs to not be speaking to me right now.
So in a very major step for me, I've decided not to try to force a reconciliation. I'm still going to text him when I feel like it and IM him once in a while, and maybe someday he'll feel like answering again. Because as much as he can be a brat sometimes (that's what this really is more than anything, just pure brattiness on his part), I don't like burning bridges and now that I've come to terms with my complicated emotions about him, I'd like to have him in my life in some aspect. And I find it hard to believe that he'll ignore my friendly, innocuous comments forever. At some point he'll start feeling okay again and start responding to me again, I hope. His anger and depression has nothing to do with me, despite what he thinks. If it did, he'd be willing to just be with me, which would I imagine fix all his problems, were the problems in fact my fault. But they're not my fault, and I can't fix them, and I'm not going to try. I'm just going to be waiting around and reaching out so he knows I'm there, and when he feels like being friends again we will be. And if he never feels like being friends again, at least I am content in the knowledge that this break was not my fault and that I tried my best to maintain the friendship.

Well, that certainly got long-winded! Enough of this, I have stuff to do. I have a workout to do, an episode of Grey's to watch, and I'm supposed to be meeting Richie, Debbie, and Chris for drinks later tonight. I also have ten thesis pages to write, but that's what tomorrow is for. Apparently I will be procrastinating on my pages every single week! What wonderful study habits I have!

Running on Empty

2007-02-07T00:23:00.000-06:00

I only got four hours of sleep last night, but I can't complain because it's my own fault. I put off writing my thesis pages for most of the week. There were just always so many other things to do! On Wednesday and Thursday I was busy working on a play report and at the restaurant during the afternoons and in rehearsal at night. On Friday I had to get my sister to help me film the dogs for that same play report, and then there was a lot of Guitar Hero to play. I don't remember what I did on Saturday, but I'm sure it was important. And then Sunday was the Super Bowl, which Debbie, Amanda, Claire, John, Richie and I used as an excuse to lounge around Debbie's living room drinking Shiner, eating my no-bake cookies and Debbie's queso, and talking our heads off. I think we watched a grand total of ten minutes of the game itself. We did watch and critique all the commercials, however, and argued about Prince's sex appeal and marveled at his androgyny, so, ya know, good enough.
So then yesterday rolled around and I'd only written two pages so far, which is why I ended up typing on the couch from 1o:30 when I got home from rehearsal until 4:30 AM, when I finally finished my goal for the week and went to bed. It would be a lie to say I was working on my thesis that whole time. I spent a good hour IMing and at least another hour reading articles on Salon and another half hour having a snack break.
But you know what? I have ten whole pages of my thesis completed now! And I gave them to my advisor today and the only changes I need to make are very minor and involve punctuation and particular word choices, and that's it! HaHA! I'm going to try to keep up a pace of at least 10-15 pages a week so I don't get stuck having to do something insane like write thirty pages in my last week.

I did take a break tonight, though. I had Class&Ren tonight and showed the video Chelsea and I made, which was surprisingly a hit with my classmates. See, we have to do these play reports with a performative element of some sort and this round my play report was on Aristophanes' The Wasps, which I actually really loved (I literally laughed out loud while reading the play). The play just happens to have a scene where a dog is put on trial for stealing a wheel of cheese, and so I couldn't resist using Cohen and Morty in my performance project and had Chelsea help me film a video in which Cohen was the plaintiff and Morty was the defendent and Chelsea and I did our best not to look like complete idiots but didn't succeed. Like I said, it surprised me by being such a success with everyone, but I can't take any credit for that. I think people mostly just liked seeing Morty in his new camo vest and Cohen in his striped sweater. Big dogs in clothes are pretty much always hilarious (little dogs in clothes, however, are just...little dogs in clothes).
After class a bunch of us went out for dinner and drinks but ended up being stuck with our least favorite guy in our cohort. You know how most every group has that strange outcast guy that nobody really likes and everybody thinks is odd but you don't have a specific, valid reason to dislike him other than he's just weird and so you can't blatantly say, "Sorry, you're not invited" like you would to an actual enemy? Well, that's this guy. I think John I. described him best with the simple phrase, "Tommy...what the fuck?!" and a baffled shake of the head. He's much older than the rest of us-probably in his sixties, which is old even by grad school standards-and he's just WEIRD. I can't give you the best examples of his strangeness, because it wouldn't be easy to explain them without a whole lot of background information, but...well, tonight, for instance, he referred to our main graduate advisor and the head of our program and our primary professor as "Dr. What's-Her-Name". Dr. What's-Her-Name?! He has been a student here now since August, and this is a woman that he sees and deals with on at least a weekly basis, if not more often than that. She's effectively his boss. And he doesn't know her name?! Amanda and I also realized over the course of dinner that he doesn't know our names, either, or the names of any of the girls in our group (which, come to think of it, probably says a lot about him since he does seem to know almost all of the guys' names). And maybe you don't think that's weird, but I sure do. I think it's weird because there are only about 15 graduate students in this department. and even if you're a looney outsider who likes to make strange outbursts about sex and the Japanese flag and other things not at all related to the class discussion, you can't learn the names of a mere 15 people that are presumably going to be your colleagues in some way for the rest of your career? Honestly?
Maybe something is really wrong with him. Maybe we shouldn't make fun of him and stand around awkwardly until he leaves the room and we can make weekend plans without him. Maybe I'll have a round of bad karma for cringing every time he opens his mouth to speak. But as another one of the grad students pointed out, "It's not very Christian of me to say this, I know, but I really don't want to go out with you all if he's going to be there. I'm going to have to take a raincheck." She probably had the right idea. Poor guy. But really.

Suitcase

2007-02-03T17:57:00.000-06:00

I don't know exactly what to make of dreams. I don't believe the theory that they are simply the result of a random firing of neurons in the brain. If that were the case, why would people have recurring dreams? What are the odds of the same exact pattern of neurons randomly firing twice in a lifetime, much less dozens of times?
At the same time, I don't necessarily believe that we need to find some deep meaning in all of our dreams. I mean, what is my lactose-intolerant friend Brandon supposed to make of the dream he has every time he consumes dairy products that involves Matthew McConaughey as a drunk, belligerent neighbor who trashes Brandon's apartment, breaks his plasma TV, and then attempts to replace everything with Legos? Surely there is absolutely no deep meaning he's supposed to take from that dream and it's just the milk allergy talking.
But sometimes I can't help wondering what is going on in my subconscience. I'm fascinated by dreams and sometimes go through phases where I try to record everything I can remember about mine. I don't know why I do this, except that I have a vague idea that it will help me to be a more creative, inspired person. Uh, yeah. Anyway, I recently started keeping a dream journal again and this morning I discovered that every single dream I've remembered so far in 2007 has had something to do with packing and hotel rooms. Every single one. What am I supposed to make of that, a dozen dreams about suitcases and transiency?
I normally love hotels, but these are not relaxing dreams, they've mostly been unsettling and vaguely frightening at best (I opened the door to my hotel room and found a white tiger lurking inside, for example) and frantic at worst (throwing cans of tuna fish into a suitcase as everyone in my family yells at me to hurry up or we'll miss our plane).
It seems too early for my brain to already be freaking out about the idea of moving in May, although I guess I wouldn't put that past me considering how much I despise moving. And I don't know what else these dreams could be trying to tell me, other than I'm nervous about not knowing where I'll be in the fall and I'm scared that I'm not at all prepared for whatever comes next. But I already know that.
I suppose I should just be grateful that I'm no longer having constant dreams about being pregnant and in painful labor, which was my recurring dream through most of my junior and senior years of college. That dream SUCKED.

In the interest of full disclosure, I should let you know I got my first Ph.D. rejection letter today. It doesn't seem to be bothering me at this point, probably because I knew from the start that I was reaching out of my league in applying to this school in the first place so I'm not surprised. I'm not disheartened yet, I still have five chances. Five chances where each school is only accepting 2-3 people, but still, five chances. And I still feel positive that I will get into a Ph.D. program eventually, it might just take a few years. I keep trying to tell myself that whatever happens now is the "right" thing for me, it's just scary right now, not knowing what to do.

At the very least I'll have my MA by the end of this year. Actually working on my thesis tonight would help with that particular goal.

Tasty Doesn't Have an E in It

2007-01-30T22:13:00.000-06:00

So I met with Dr. C. yesterday about my thesis outline, and we went over all the sections and she helped me come up with some page guidelines, and it's looking like it's going to end up being about 70 pages of narrative. Believe it or not, this is a HUGE relief to me, because I was envisioning something more in the 150 page range. Now that I know I only have to do half that, I feel so much better. I'll still need to manage an average of ten pages a week, but that seems...possible. At various times in my academic career I've managed ten pages in a night, so I should certainly be able to do ten pages in a week.
The downside is that she told me she wants it BEFORE spring break, which is two weeks earlier than the official deadline for turning a thesis in to your committee. I told her I'd try, but frankly, I'm not going to kill myself trying to do it. Obviously I would love to have my thesis basically finished and behind me before I head off to New York, and I'd like to have over a month to just focus on studying for my comprehensive exams and editing when I get back. However, my committee mainly just wants my thesis early because it's convenient for them not to have to read five or six long documents at once (there are only seven graduate faculty members so all of our committees overlap quite a bit) and in the end what's more important, their convenience or my mental health?

So yeah, that's the thesis news. I'm sure you'd like to hear about something else going on in my life, but to be perfectly honest, there's really not much going on at this exact moment.

I realize I never told you about my trip to Houston. I love to do that, actually do something fun and somewhat notable and then not tell you about it but instead bore you to death with yet another entry about schoolwork. But...there's really not a lot to say about Houston either. It was great to see Jenny and Matthew and I had fun with both of them, I didn't drink nearly as much as I normally do when I'm with Jenny (which is a good thing, I suppose), Matthew and I got manicures, I met a guy in an "open marriage" (whatever), we had a hell of a time just trying to go bowling one night and finally got to do "X-treme Bowling" at a cheap discounted price (final verdict: not very X-treme), and I got lost a lot. Every time I drive in Houston I feel like all I do is make u-turns. I ended up in River Oaks three different times during the two days I was in Houston, and all three times I wasn't actually supposed to be there ("I'm on Kirby AGAIN?! How does this keep happening?!"). All in all it was a pretty good time.

Um, what else? I had a good weekend this weekend. I spent a lot of time with my siblings and my sister's boyfriend, they came down on Saturday and we had lunch and drinks and then played football at the park. Well, they played football, I tried in vain to get Cohen interested in playing fetch (basset says "no dice"). Then on Sunday I went up to Austin and Shane and I ate dinner at the restaurant where Chelsea works. I had a lot of amusing conversations with my brother. I think the highlights were when he informed me that he hopes his future girlfriend never plays golf because he needs the golf course to be the place where he escapes from her, and that he actually schedules classes and workouts and life in general around the series of TV programs he watches from 4:00 until 6:00 every weekday afternoon. Oh, and at one point he actually said, "Is she hot and stupid? 'Cause if she is, I'll date her." My brother is such a boy.
On Friday night I went to an undergrad party, which I kind of promised myself that I wouldn't do for a while after the fiasco at the last undergrad party I went to, but a bunch of us grads were out at a bar on Friday night and we ran into one of the undergrads who asked if we were going to the party. And we all just kind of looked at each other and shrugged and she said, "Well, I know you all don't usually hang out with undergrads, but if you feel like slumming tonight you should stop by." And she was totally joking, but how could we not at least make an appearance after that? So we went "slumming", and it was fun enough but completely predictable, especially the part where the cops showed up at 2 in the morning. I did end up giving my phone number to a cute enough, friendly guy who asked for it and told him he could call me Saturday and maybe I'd go out for a drink with him. But then he didn't end up calling, he just sent me a text message at 9:00 Saturday night saying, "So what are you doing?" and is it wrong that I ignored his message? I mean, I didn't have his phone number, so technically it was an anonymous text message (obviously it was from him, but still), and besides, I think that's kind of a pussy thing to do, texting a girl when you've never called her before and not even bothering to say who the text is from. That is kind of a weak thing to do, right? A cool guy would have called me, and would have done it before 9:00, right? (Forget the fact that if the shoe were on the other foot I probably would have sent a text message, too. After all, I can't possibly date someone as phobic of the telephone as I am, that would never work! Somebody has to have the balls in the relationship, and I have no desire for that person to be me.)
Yeah, yeah, I know. I'm just looking for excuses to reject guys. I'm being way too picky. I know. But I think I'm finally starting to really enjoy this whole hiatus thing, and why shouldn't I be picky?

Another Wedding!

2007-01-28T16:07:00.000-06:00

I just wrote a long post and then Blogger decided to eat it, and I no longer have the energy or the time to re-write the whole thing.

But the basic gist of it was that my best friend from high school, Melissa, called me on Friday night to tell me that she's getting married in December!

We hadn't talked in a very long time and had managed to lose touch completely over the past two years, so it was good to hear from her again. We didn't lose touch on purpose, it's just weird how that happens when you're someone like me that's notoriously bad at keeping in touch with people. One day it was like we had just talked (she had a long-term boyfriend and they were getting ready to move to Minneapolis, I was getting ready to move here to start grad school), and then suddenly it had been six months, then a year, and then I realized I didn't have a working phone number for her anymore, and then I couldn't find her on MySpace (the easiest way for antisocial people like me to keep in touch), and I realized that I could just call her parents and say, "Where is your daughter?" but that seemed like it would be an awkward conversation and I'm a wuss when it comes to making potentially uncomfortable phone calls, and then I got all paranoid and started thinking things like, "Well, maybe she's mad at me for some reason. I mean, wouldn't she have called me at Christmas if she really wanted to see me?" even though I know that I personally would have enjoyed seeing her but I didn't get brave and make the phone call either, and all of a sudden almost two years had gone by and we hadn't talked at all. But we've always been pretty good at picking up where we left off, and I just assumed we'd get in touch again somehow eventually, probably when something really big happened to one of us.

And sure enough, she called to get my address to send me a wedding invitation. I'm really excited and happy for her, and not too surprised since the last time we spoke she already had a feeling she and Matt would be getting engaged before too long. But if you'd asked me when I was seventeen which person in my close circle of friends I thought would get married first, Melissa would definitely not have been my first choice. In fact, Melissa would have been my very last choice, not because she's unattractive or unappealing or because I think she'd be bad at long term relationships (quite the contrary), but because...well, I think I've told you about the physics teacher that used to try to predict our futures based on what he knew about us, right? Well, he predicted that Melissa would end up running off to the woods and living in a rustic cabin by herself being all philosophical and kind of subversive, and that if she ever got married it would be much later in life to some sort of academic guy twenty years her senior. Because that was Melissa in high school. She had a serious boyfriend, a couple, actually, but she was adamantly not the marrying type. And yet here she is getting married, and she's probably going to beat out both Briar and Kristen (who, for the record, I would have placed my money on in the "Who Will Get Married First?" bet).
Then again, if you'd asked me when I was 17 if I thought I'd be 24 and single and working on my masters degree, I would have laughed at you and said "I'm not that smart, and I'll have a serious boyfriend by then for sure." And if you'd asked my physics teacher what I'd be doing at 24, he'd have said, "Taking out her inner anguish through cake decorating".
Which just goes to show...what? That you can't judge what a person's life is going to be like based on how they behaved in high school? That you can try to predict your own life path as much as you want but you're pretty much always going to be wrong, wrong, wrong?

Or maybe, hopefully, it just goes to show that you often end up happiest taking the path you least expected you would take.

After all, who would have thought Melissa, stomping around campus in an army fatigue jacket, proudly proclaiming that she was never going to get married young or pop out babies or live a typical life, would be living in Milwaukee and working in insurance and planning a wedding at only 24? And who would have thought that I'd happily be doing what I'm doing right now (whatever it is exactly that I'm doing right now)?

Sometimes I love that life is full of surprises and never works out how you think it's going to, and this is one of those times. I'm thrilled for Mel. I don't know where I'll be in December, but I hope for one day at least I'll be in South Bend celebrating with one of the best friends I've had on her wedding day.

Full Plate

2007-01-24T23:47:00.000-06:00

Today when I went up to campus to pick up a copy of the play I'm stage managing for Richie this semester (this one, if you're curious) I ran into Debbie and she told me she really needed to talk to me. Turns out another grad student, Adam, who is finishing up his MA in playwriting, wrote a play for his thesis and the faculty want to give him the opportunity to see it in performance so Debbie is going to direct it for him. And she wants me to be their dramaturg. And I agreed to do it. It's not 100% definite yet, but I'd like to try to take on the project. It sounds like it shouldn't be too terribly overwhelming, kind of along the lines of what I did for Kelly during her show last semester in terms of time commitment. Basically, a little bit of research, maybe a couple of meetings with the cast to talk about the history and current events they need to know for the play, a vocabulary list of terms in the play, stuff like that.

I will admit that I'm a little worried that I'm taking on too much. I have to write basically my entire thesis. I have to manage the box office. I have to do at least B-quality work in my Classical and Renaissance class, which shouldn't be impossible but it does involve a lot of reading. I've committed to stage managing Richie's show, and we start on that tomorrow. I work at the restaurant. And now if I add this project, it's basically going to be about as busy as I was last semester, if not more so.

The thing is, if the faculty will agree to let me take on this project, I can't pass it up. It's the chance to dramaturg an original work that has major contemporary relevance (I haven't seen a script yet, but I believe it has a lot to do with the conflict in Iraq), which is the exact sort of work I want to do. It'd be a great thing to put on my resume, and I have a very hard time turning down any job that will enhance my resume, especially if I'm going to have to apply to more Ph.D. programs next fall. The more work I can do now, while I'm in school and it's readily available, the better, since who knows what chances I'll come across in the next year.

Plus I can always quit at Applebees. I forget that fact sometimes, but that's one thing I definitely don't HAVE to do.

It's Greek to Me

2007-01-23T23:01:00.000-06:00

So I'm feeling a bit better about my thesis today. I talked to Dr. C after our class tonight and told her that I want her to look over my outline and help me set up some guidelines and hash out some details, and instead of being like, "You're just barely developing an outline?!" she was like, "Sure, we'll go over it," and that makes me feel good. I was afraid that I'd see her and she'd be like, "Let's meet on Monday and look at the chapters you have so far" so I'm pleased she doesn't seem to be implying that I need to have a ton of writing done already (which is good, because I have, um, very little in the way of actual writing).

I'm also feeling pretty good about the class I started tonight, Classical and Renaissance Drama. Lord knows I need brush up on the classical stuff for my comprehensive exam in April (I could only remembre 4 out of 6 of Aristotle's elements of theatre today and considering his Poetics is the most important piece of dramatic theory in western theatre, that is decidedly not good). Plus it's mostly just reading a lot of plays, which I enjoy, and discussion, which I enjoy even more. I made a little bit of a stir today when one of the guys in class was talking about how strange it is that the Greeks were having festivals celebrating gods that were "not real" and how absurd it was to believe that lightning bolts were being thrown by the gods and Dionysus was gestated in Zeus' thigh, and finally I burst out, "How is that any more strange and unbelievable than burning bushes and an immaculate conception?!" And then I followed it up with something along the lines of, "For someone who isn't a Christian, the stories the Greeks believed don't sound any more bizarre than anything you find in the Bible." Fortunately he replied, "Huh. Yeah, I guess you're right," because I really could have gotten into it over that one. For the record, I feel a certain amount of admiration for people that can have such pure faith they believe the words of the Bible as literal truth. I wish I had that sort of unwavering confidence in, well, anything. But I can't help wondering how someone can justify believing a man walked on water and rose from the dead yet belittle people who believed basically the same things, just about a different god(s). In actuality, we haven't evolved so very much at all. Speaking of, Peter sent me a link yesterday talking about how some people in Greece who worship Zeus are pushing to have their religion recognized by the Greek government. I can only hope that eventually this will lead to a renewed interest in the worship of Dionysus as well, because there's nothing I would love more than attending a religious festival devoted solely to drinking, sex, and theatre. I'm trivializing it, but in all seriousness, I don't see why that sort of worship can't be just as valid as anything else. And finally, to finish off this rambling and now very off-topic paragraph, can I just say that I am struggling a lot with my spirituality these days? I'm no longer at a place where I can be satisfied with the teachings and beliefs of the Christianity I grew up with, and I don't think I'll ever be able to get back to that place. There's just too much I cannot possibly make myself believe. At the same time, I haven't found anything else that makes me feel satisfied and makes sense to me other than my vague theories about spiritual energy and I think I kind of made that up, and picking and choosing the parts I like from various traditions seems like cheating somehow. I pray often but don't even know exactly what I think I'm praying to. I feel like I need to do more research into this, though, because I am this odd juxtaposition of someone who really wants to have faith in something (my grandparents are atheists and I definitely know that I am not) but at the same time needs a lot of logic and there's just not a lot of logic when we're talking about the unknowns of gods and creation and purposes. And agnosticism just seems like kind of a cop out, although I'm closest to that at the moment, I suppose. I keep hoping that eventually I'll have the time to really research everything that interests me and that something will jump out at me and make me go "Yes! That's something I can believe in!" but I also don't think it really works like that. I don't even know why I'm talking about this right now, it's not like it's a problem that's going to get solved any time in the near future, or probably any time in my entire life in this form here on Earth.

I need to go do some reading. Oh, but before I go, Richie asked me stage manage his show today! Yay! I get to work with Richie, and have more stage management experience to put on my resume. The show goes up in early March. I'll let you know more about it, as soon as I get the script and figure out what show it actually IS (Richie called to ask me and I agreed right away to do the job and only realized later that I can't remember what show he told me he's directing when he first told me about it last semester, and I felt too embarassed to ask him about it because we've already talked about it before).

Mild Panic

2007-01-22T17:31:00.000-06:00

I just mailed off my last Ph.D. application. Actually, technically this last one was an M.F.A. application for the only program I applied to that's not a Ph.D. program, although if you knew what school it was you would know why I'd be way, WAY more than perfectly content with an M.F.A. from said school. Also, I'm never going to actually get accepted there, but the fact that people in my life think I have the potential for it to even be worth my effort to try makes me happy enough.

Also, I got an official notice in my box today with all the deadlines for graduation and I found out that my thesis is due to my committee by March 23rd. March 23rd! That's only two months from tomorrow. Frankly, I don't want to talk about it.

And apparently I actually have to start class tomorrow. Blargh.

More March

2007-01-20T20:16:00.000-06:00

Remember the Tool concert? The one Mandi and I were supposed to go to in September? Well, I finally got an e-mail today saying it has been rescheduled for March 26th, which is perfect!! It's a Monday night so I don't have class and I won't have to work a show for box office, either, since the March show ends the 25th. And the show Mandi is ADing is done by then, too, so we get to see Tool in March!

March is going to be crazy. Look:
5 March: Justin Timberlake concert in Dallas
13-19 March: Trip to New York City
21 March: The Lion King in Austin w/ Chelsea and Mike (ah, The Lion King the musical, it's so good)
26 March: Tool in San Antonio

I keep trying to ignore the fact that March is also the month in which I'll be trying to wrap up my thesis and prepare for my defense and my oral and written exams, but that's okay. I have all of February to get a jump on that stuff (HA!) and all of the above will be great stress relief. I'm sorry to keep talking about it, but I'm just so excited.

I did end up going to Houston for the past two nights so, maybe I'll tell you about that eventually. In the meantime I feel the need to get in a workout right now even though it's 8:30 on Saturday night and I've already been out to dinner and had three drinks. Maybe I'll just lift some weights?

Ennui

2007-01-17T20:35:00.000-06:00

I'm really tired of not feeling like I can go anywhere or do anything. It has finally stopped icing/sleeting/snowing, but since the temperature still hasn't gotten above 30 degrees today all the accumulated ice hasn't melted at all. My car has these ice spikes that have formed off the side of it and the icicles on the front are making him look like a tired old man. (Yes, the car is a him, and his name is Bostwick) The grass is totally frozen over and crunchy when I walk on it. Sidewalk walking is still a sketchy prospect. Technically I could go somewhere and do something since the roads in town aren't too terrible anymore, but what? Most businesses are still closed, I don't feel like spending ten minutes unthawing my car, blah, blah, blah.

I did take Cohen for a walk today and ended up buying chocolate cupcakes at the corner store, the only place I've been other than the laundry room since, um, Sunday. Poor Cohen totally wiped out on an icy patch of sidewalk outside the apartment complex office and ended up rolling into the parking lot along with the shards of ice his big muffin paws had kicked up. He stood up, shook his head indignantly and then stared up at me as if to say, "Is this your idea of a joke?!" Poor basset!

I still haven't decided if I'm going to Houston tomorrow. It would be stupid to try to drive if there's even a slight chance the roads will still be icy since it's not like I have to go to Houston. Then again, if I spend one more day just sitting in my apartment without doing anything other than half-heartedly doing thesis research and watching terrible television, I might lose it.

Speaking of terrible TV, how about American Idol? Jesus, I've never watched anything so painful in my whole life. How can people possibly be that tone deaf? How can no one have ever been kind enough to point out to them that singing is not their talent? How can anyone have such a false sense of their own talents and capabilities? Please, please, PLEASE don't ever let me do that to myself. Please be honest. If I think I'm good at something and I actually suck at it, please, for the love of all that is good, PLEASE tell me about it before I humiliate myself in front of the American public. And I wouldn't mind if I thought these people were doing it on purpose just to get on television, but sadly, I think some of these people really are sincere about their wish to be on the show and really are just that bad, and it's just way too depressing. There is a reason I haven't watched the past four seasons of this show. I think I'm going back to watching Food Network, which never makes me want to curl up under my blanket and die.

Idiots

2007-01-16T16:58:00.000-06:00

The news anchors are now referring to yesterday and today (and tomorrow, I suppose) as "Ice Storm '07!" It's so stupid.

But yeah, we are iced in. Sort of. I've walked Cohen around the apartment complex a few times and decided that I don't particularly feel like driving anywhere since the sidewalks are kinda treacherous and I assume the roads must be, too. Plus I don't know where I'd go, since I'm assuming most restaurants and businesses in town are closed. But a few people are still driving around.
I keep watching out my front window as various neighbors attempt to get into their cars and drive off (where are people going?). It always starts with them yanking on car door, which is frozen shut, and finally getting it opened with a lot of effort. That's funny enough. Then they start the car to begin warming it up. And then I watch as they make trip after trip from their apartment back to the car with bowls of hot water to unthaw their windshield. This strikes me as completely ridiculous. They're making five or six trips back and forth across the parking lot carrying bowls or soup pots or tea kettles. I watch them slip and stumble across the parking lot, pour the water over the car, and then make their way back inside to warm up more water.

Wouldn't it be much, much easier to just turn on the car and let it warm up for a while as you stay warm and cozy inside your house? Surely that will start to loosen up the ice about as fast as waiting for a kettle of water to boil six times. And am I the only one who owns an ice scraper?

Sometimes I feel really, really tired of people.

Ice Ice Baby

2007-01-15T21:33:00.000-06:00

So the first day of class, which was supposed to be tomorrow, has been canceled due to ice on the roads (which has still yet to actually show up in any serious and dangerous way, but it's only 9:30 and still 32 degrees out so I guess we'll see what happens overnight). Since my only class this semester is Tuesday nights from 5 until 8, I suppose this means I get a whole extra week of winter break! Although knowing Dr. C I wouldn't put it past her to send us all an e-mail tomorrow giving us at least a reading assignment to have ready for next week. To be honest, I'm kind of bummed. I was looking forward to seeing everyone together tomorrow night and getting back into my academic groove and now I guess I'll just have to spend another few days lying around the house and thinking about how I should be working on my thesis but not actually doing any substantial work on it.

But hey, I did finish another Ph.D. application today. For those of you keeping track of the oh-so-thrilling process, that's five applications down, only one more to go. And since the only application I have left to finish is for my major, major, never-gonna-happen-so-why-am-I-even-bothering reach school, I basically feel like I'm done with the process. All of the applications that actually have a shot of getting me into a program for fall 2007 are in the hands of committee members and there's nothing else I can do at this point except wait. I'd like to be optimistic, but eh...

I have the Golden Globes on TV in the background right now and I've come to the realization that I've seen about zero movies this year. Seriously, I haven't seen anything. I think the only movie they've mentioned so far that I actually saw was Little Miss Sunshine. And the only other movie I can think of off the top of my head that I saw this year was The Holiday. I don't think it can be possible that I only saw two movies in theaters in 2006, can it? And yet I can't remember seeing anything else. I did watch a lot of TV, though. And as much as I enjoy Grey's Anatomy, I don't think it should have won Best TV Drama, mostly because I wouldn't really classify it as a drama. But I suppose it's not a comedy either and it needs to be in one of the two categories and it's more drama than comedy so yeah, okay. But it shouldn't have beat Big Love. It's good and it's entertaining, but it's not HBO calibur. (Can't wait for season two of Big Love, by the way!) Also, who even saw Babel? All the belated hype about that movie is annoying me. Nobody talked about how good it supposedly is when it actually came out. It's like the whole year went by and everyone was just waiting and waiting for something really great to come out and when nothing did everyone went, "Oh crap, where are all the award-worthy movies that were supposed to come out in December? What now?" "Well, there's that Babel movie that was released several months ago, that one was okay. We could really talk that one up, I guess. We have to do something!"

I thought I had something else to say, but I can't remember what it was. I guess I can tell you that if the weather clears up I think I'm going to drive to Houston on Thursday and stay with Matthew for a couple of nights. My friend Jenny has to go to a hospital in Houston for some tests and I told her I'd do my best to come down there and see her so that it's not a boring/depressing weekend of hanging out in doctor's offices. I had wanted to visit her in Fort Worth before Christmas but my managers at work (shockingly) ended up screwing up my schedule and I didn't end up being able to make it, so this will make up for my not visiting her for her Christmas party, plus I'll get the chance to see Matthew, too. It should be fun.

There are finally icicles forming on my car. Good. Because if I'm going to be stuck in my apartment with nothing to do and nobody to see for at least the next 24 hours and possibly longer I'd at least like there to actually be visible ice. ("Potentially one of the longest lasting ice storms we've seen in modern history, says the KXAN First Warning Weather! man". Hmmmm...Perhaps I should not mock the weather?)

My Life in 25 (Long) Sentences

2007-01-14T23:18:00.000-06:00

I'm bored and sometimes when I'm bored I do memes. Like this one I discovered today, which is pretty simple: you write a sentence for each year of your life. It can sum up the whole year, or a single notable event remembered from that year or whatever. Pointless, as most memes are, but it's 11:00 on a Sunday night and if the news and weather channel are to be believed the town is about to freeze over for the next couple of days so I don't think anyone is going out tonight after all (we initially had these big grad student reunion plans since we haven't all been together for five weeks, but I don't think Richie's plane ended up getting in on time and it's freezing so people are being homebodies, I guess). Speaking of the weather, I'm tired of everyone acting like the world is going to end just because there might possibly, POSSIBLY be an ice storm tomorrow. Debbie was making me laugh talking about how when she was out earlier people were storming the HEB and clearing the shelves of bottled water and canned goods as if we're going to be snowed in for weeks and weeks and not, like, hours. It is Texas. It is not North Dakota. People are idiots.

Anyway, here goes the meme (And I'm starting with zero rather than one because...well, that makes sense to me. One implies the year I was one year old, zero would be the year I was actually born, understand? Yeah, okay, cool.)

0. I was supposed to be born on Thanksgiving but instead opted to make an early arrival on November 5th at the county hospital in El Paso.
1. According to my mother I spent a lot of time shredding up books when I was supposed to be taking afternoon naps, so I suppose it's kind of surprising I grew up to be such a voracious reader.
2. My sister Chelsea was born and meanwhile I wandered around looking pretty pathetic with an eye patch and a teeny tiny pair of glasses before I finally had surgery to correct my lazy eye (and thank god my parents agreed to let me be operated on that young because I'm not kidding when I say there is no doubt in my mind I'd be a very, VERY different person today had I been forced to grow up cross-eyed...I wish I was being facetious, but kids are mean and guys are shallow and I'm so, so glad that little problem of mine was fixed before I was old enough for it to matter).
3. I started preschool at St. Andrew's, where I immediately befriended a girl named Melissa and was so enamored of her that I named my stuffed cat in her honor.
4. We moved from my first home to the house in El Paso where my parents still live, and my brother Shane was born two weeks later.
5. In October I skipped a week of kindergarten and went to Disney World and a Florida beach with my family and grandparents, the first vacation I remember in pretty good detail.
6. I realized that my mother was the tooth fairy and simultaneously confirmed my long-standing suspicion that my parents were also Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny.
7. By night I was going through a period of intense insomnia and by day I was busy constantly pretending I was sick and leaving my first grade classroom to hide out in the nurse's office because I was so freakin' sensitive that just watching my classmates fight/get in trouble made me a nervous wreck.
8. My best friend Shanna and I were very into Nintendo and Sega, building elaborate sand towns in her backyard, coloring stickers, and that TV show Dinosaurs.
9. I sat next to a boy named Danny in my third grade class and he spent a lot of time making me laugh, which meant we spent a lot of time getting scolded, but it turned out that wasn't such a big deal, which made me realize that a person can actually speak in school, and that realization pretty much changed my life.
10. Over spring break we drove thirteen hours to Telluride, Colorado for a skiing trip, at the time the longest car trip I'd ever made in my life (and still one of the longest).
11. A boy in my 5th grade class became slightly obsessed with me and freaked me (and my father) out one night by showing up on the front porch on his bicycle at 11 PM to give me a stuffed teddy bear.
12. I played a starring role in our sixth grade play about Africa, the event that I pinpoint as the moment in life that I decided I wanted a career in theatre.
13. I grew four inches in one summer and finally started my period a month before my 14th birthday and what felt like years after all the other girls I knew.
14. For Christmas my grandma surprised my family by telling us that come June we'd be spending two weeks in Europe, and the trip through the Netherlands, France, Germany, and Switzerland was the most exciting thing I'd done in my life up to that point, as far as I was concerned.
15. I wasted tons and tons of time with my girl friends (one of them was Melissa, who I re-met in middle school) giggling and whispering about this group of boys we thought were so fine (incidentally, said guys grew up to be somewhat disappointing on the whole).
16. I went to Europe again over the summer, this time minus parents plus my high school High-Q team, and I realize this sounds incredibly nerdy but it was actually tons of fun and we saw beautiful places and amazing things and I think it was the first time I really drank without parental permission/supervision.
17. I got really involved in high school theatre, finally learned how to flirt, had my first relationship (a summer fling, basically), had my first real, meaningful kiss while in that relationship, and then eventually began dating Mike a few weeks before my eighteenth birthday (even in retrospect, seventeen was a great year).
18. I fell in love with Mike (and, because I am the ultimate cliche, we gave up--not lost, quite willingly gave up-- our virginity in a hotel room immediately following our senior prom).
19. I began spending a lot of time with Kymberli, Katy, Meg, Jenny, and Holly, I discovered the wild world of the college theatre party, and I stopped moping so much about my boyfriend back home and began to see the full potential of college and life in Fort Worth.
20. Mike and I started having some problems with our committed long distance relationship and he decided we should "see other people", at which point I proceeded to do exactly that and thus my 20th year was fantastically wild and I spent quite a bit of time doing many of the things I personally feel one needs to do as a young single woman so that when you're 52 and married you have absolutely no reason to look back on your life and go, "Wow, I wish I'd tried [blank] when I was single" because, hey, you DID do it when you were single and now it's out of your system, thank god!
21. My not-really-ever-a-relationship-but-definitely-something with College Ex was at its peak and I was having a great time since I felt sexy all the time and never had to deal with real relationship stuff, I became a regular at the Pub, I directed for the first time and fell in love with it, and I got to spend a month living in London with a bunch of my closest friends and the guy I was sleeping with, so it was basically the best study abroad trip imaginable (in retrospect, 21 was also a really great year).
22. I phoned in my last semester of college while spending more time hanging out and partying with my friends than I actually did working, I somehow still graduated summa cum laude from college, and then I moved to my current home to start my masters program, which was overwhelming and a bit lonely at first.
23. I came into my stride in my masters program, had a lot of academic successes, and made a bunch of great friends, while meanwhile my love life totally went to hell (but I did get to live in England again for a while!).
24. We'll see...

Numerology

2007-01-11T18:12:00.000-06:00

Because I'm apparently not working anymore (thanks, idiot managers!) and classes don't start until Tuesday, and pretty much everyone exciting is out of town at the moment, I've had a lot of time to do lame things on the internet. Today's Lame Thing was doing one of those sample numerology reports. Here are the highlights:

My Life Path is 9 (whatever the heck that means):
"You probably feel responsible for keeping up the morality or spirit of mankind in some way, or even responsible for their very souls." Hmmm. Spirit, sure. Morality, not so much, unless you want to count the fact that I get very worked up about things like Flavor of Love and the lyrics of most current popular songs. But it's not so much that I'm worried about people's morality (because frankly, I could care less about how much you want to shake your moneymaker). It's not even that I dislike most of these songs and worry that they're corrupting the youth or whatever. It's just that I think people need to acknowledge that on some level it's all VERY degrading. And then everyong can feel free to enjoy them.
As many nines are also very artistic, this connection with the higher powers might also be expressed through a talent such as writing, music or painting. Well, that's fun. My artistic skills sure don't come in the form of painting, though, that's for sure.
At some point in your life you have probably sworn to yourself to make this world a better place. You are extremely compassionate and feel above the matters that you feel causes factions of society to be divided. You are very aware of feeling as insignificant as a grain of sand in the Universe and believe that materialism, prejudice and lust just don't matter in the long run. Hey, that's actually true.
You have a charismatic and very open personality that attracts you a lot of friends. You are very social, sometimes at the expense of your other responsibilities. Really? Sure, I have friends, but this seems to be implying social butterfly and that is wrong, wrong, wrong.
This triggers a period of time that lasts a few years that is often called the "dark night of the soul." It is usually during this period of your life that you find the extreme courage and strength to become what is called a wounded healer. Oh, GREAT. I can't wait for this to happen.
As you are naturally very lonely and insecure, you are particularly vulnerable to joining a cult or becoming fanatical in the religious sense. Hahahaha. This is one of my favorite parts, because I think we can safely say that in any given group of people I'd probably be voted LEAST likely to become a religious fanatic or join a cult. Also, doesn't this directly contradict the part about being charismatic and having lots of friends? Shockingly, I'm beginning to think this whole reading is a sham.

Now onto my "Expression Number", which is 3, apparently. This is supposed to tell me my Potential Natural Talents and Abilities:
You are at the height of your self-expression when you feel that others are experiencing "being high on life" like you are. One of your personal goals may be to uplift humanity or spread joy or enthusiasm wherever you go. You know how to unite others through the magic of performance, song dance, singing, acting or literature. For this reason, you are fated to entertain others in some way, whether you are in showbiz or not! Well, alright. I like that.
You consider the accumulation of experiences to be your greatest wealth so you may choose a career in which you travel a lot so you can meet as many people and encounter as many different kinds of situations as possible. Wow, Numerology Report, you're right! I'm sorry I called you a sham, I was just kidding!
You often speak in full paragraphs and are a captivating storyteller. Or, you know, I bore the hell out of and/or overwhelm people and they just want me to shut up already. Ask my brother, his favorite thing to tell me is, "You talk to much" (this is coming from Shane, however, who doesn't really speak in complete sentences most of the time...in fact, he mostly just speaks in sound effects)
For this reason many of you make incredible actors, opera singers, teachers or performers. [This has nothing to do with anything, but am I supposed to care that Donald Trump and Rosie O'Donnell are in some kind of feud? Because the TV and the Internet won't shut up about it.]
Threes are often blessed with a natural sense of comic timing as well as rhythm. This makes you an excellent dancer and lover. Thanks, Numerology Report! I'm liking you more and more all the time!
You love philosophy and the old cliches that are true in life so when you feel lost emotionally you rely on wise words to get you through. You rarely take anything that happens to you in life personally, a trait that frustrates your enemies to no end. This ability to let stuff "roll off your back" serves you well in the many complex emotional situations that threes often get into. That's actually true, too. Well, most of the time. Nobody's a duck in the rain all of the time.

Finally, there's my Soul Urge number, which is a 4. What is a "soul urge"? I have no idea:
Your soul craves stability, beauty and order. You are continually distressed by the natural chaos that often describes life and your own life may be entirely devoted to restoring things to balance. That's just a kind way of saying I'm a hyper-organized neat freak. Which is completely, entirely true.
You are decisive, thorough and intolerant by nature and nothing disturbs you more than a messy room, undone dishes or unclipped grass. Your spirit often moves you to accomplish ten times as much as most people would in a day as you set about combating decay and dirt. Am I sensing a theme here?
Life often has you feeling powerless so controlling the little details makes you feel more emotionally secure. Unfortunately this tendency can extend to trying to control the behavior of your family, friends and coworkers. This earns you a reputation for being stern, pushy and stubborn. Alright, Report, chill. I know, I know.
You secretly resent people who seem to be unconventional or free thinkers as you consider yourself to be among the ones that work very hard to keep the fabric of society stitched together. As your own self-esteem is gauged by how hard you work you have absolutely zero tolerance for those who seem intent on questioning or destroying the values that you have slaved so hard to maintain. This is also kind of true, actually.
You need to remember that you have the capability to traumatize a person for life. This is a valuable skill when it comes to protecting your territory or setting boundaries but it is not healthy for your children or your spouse. I have the capability to TRAUMATIZE A PERSON FOR LIFE. That's...amazing! I realize this is supposed to be a warning, but actually, it just sounds really cool.
When you are in a sunny mood there is nobody more delightful to be with you. Love radiates from you like the light of the sun and your life is full of love and laughter. You are a respected member of the community and others seek out your approval and advice. Awwww.

Love radiates from me like the sun, and I'm capable of traumatizing people for life. I'd say that's a pretty well-balanced personality, wouldn't you?

Pictures

2007-01-10T19:40:00.000-06:00

Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you, I posted all of my pictures from Las Vegas/Christmas/Cassie's wedding. If you want to see them, the link is in my AIM profile. If you don't have my screenname, leave me a message here or send me an e-mail and I'll send you the link. This is assuming you care at all, and believe me, it's totally okay if you don't.

Fantasy

2007-01-10T18:29:00.000-06:00

I guess all those memories of high school must have lodged themselves in my subconscious because I had a dream about an old high school friend last night. I no longer remember the details of it all, but in the dream we were having an argument, and she mainly seemed to be angry at me for being "too flashy". Over and over again the argument would come back to that, her yelling, "Look, you're just too flashy!" In the dream I remember mostly feeling really puzzled because I was wearing a turquoise halter top and khaki-colored shorts with sandals, my hair was pulled up, and I think the most outrageous thing about the entire outfit was that I was wearing teal-colored eyeliner (which is something I do sometimes in real life and has never struck me as particularly flashy or over-the-top). True, I suppose my outfit was a bit more exciting than her dream outfit, a navy blue t-shirt and jeans combination, but flashy? I didn't get it in the dream, and I don't really get it now that I'm awake, either. Mostly in the dream I was trying to figure out what on earth about my outfit or personality would make her call me "flashy" and why that should be an insult in the first place. I woke up feeling angry in that irrational way one often feels after a dream like that, where you want to find the person in real life and punch him/her in the face even though you are fully aware that it was just a dream. So now I've been thinking about her on and off throughout the day, something I haven't done in years. Weird. All I can say is that I hope whatever she's up to today that she has lightened up a little bit (because honestly, I think part of the reason I woke up angry is because the way she was acting in the dream was just the sort of infuriating, irrational, jealous way she often acted in real life, only I never bothered to actually deal with my issues with her in real life, I just let them go).

Speaking of dreams (sort of), here are a few things I've been fantasizing about lately. I should warn you that most of them are incredibly lame:

1) A Dyson vacuum (Yes, still. Be quiet.)
2) Suit Guy. I wear a black cocktail dress, he buys me a martini at an upscale bar, yada, yada, yada.
3) Alternately, Kayak Guy. I have no idea where the heck this one comes from since in general I don't date athletic guys (because, um, have you SEEN this little weak body and noted that my interests don't involve most outdoor activities?). But the hill country is full of rivers and, subsequently, cute guys in kayaks, so now I like to daydream about doing athletic stuff on the river (as opposed to just floating and drinking beer on the river). I have a feeling this outdoorsy side of me is in fact just that: a fantasy. Still, I like the idea of a guy that likes to take me boating and rock climbing and surfing and stuff like that. Don't ask me why.
4) Floor-to-ceiling bookshelves. I cannot wait to have space for lots of bookshelves, or ideally have built-in bookshelves. My current book situation is not as ridiculous as I thought now that I reorganized everything. I possibly even have room for four or five more (small) books. But still, I'd love to have shelves to fill. I want to be that professor that doesn't even have visible walls in her office, just bookshelves. I uploaded all of my books onto LibraryThing today (very fun and convenient for bookworms like me and free up to 200 books, try it!) and I have 114 books, the majority of which are theatre books since I've never sold back anything from any of my theatre classes. I was kind of shocked that there are that many books in this little apartment, I thought for sure I'd top out around 50-75. And now I'm envisioning my mother's living room and all her bookshelves and realizing that she must have at least 400 books in there. At least.
5) Also in terms of a fantasy home, I've been daydreaming about a kitchen bigger than the size of a walk-in closet. Do you know every single time I cook anything on my stove other than soup the smoke alarm goes off? Even if I can't detect any smoke at all? I think I've mentioned this before. It's really annoying, and I think it happens every time because the smoke detector is only about three feet from the stove. It's ridiculous. I mean, I'm glad the thing is working, but still, ridiculous. Also, to have enough space to prepare basically anything I have to lay a cutting board across my sink to give myself more counter space. I mean, it's not like I cook or bake all that often, and the two times I've already cooked this month have been something of an anomaly, but still, it would be nice to have more than a foot or two of counter space. And a pantry. And a whole bunch of other stuff I won't be able to afford in the next ten years and possibly never.
6) A massage (I do have that gift certificate, but feel as though I should save it for at least a few months until I really need it, since I can't say I'm exactly highly stressed out right now)
7) A part-time job where my managers aren't idiots. Guess how many times I'm scheduled to work this week? ONCE. Our schedules start on Thursdays, and I'm scheduled to work exactly one time between tomorrow and next Thursday. Why? I have no freakin' idea! I specifically wrote a note to my manager saying when I got back from Christmas that I could work any day or night shift until classes start on the 16th. How many shifts did I get last week? Only two. Luckily it became three since I picked up a shift for someone. I'm hoping I'll be able to pick up at least one more shift this week, but everyone is broke right now from the holidays so I'm not counting on it. I'm so annoyed with the whole situation, because the one time I actually have a lot of free time and can work a lot, I don't get scheduled at all. And knowing my idiot schedule-making manager, the minute classes start again and I get horribly busy with school and my other job, he'll start scheduling me for five shifts a week and then wondering why I'm always trying to give up shifts. I keep trying to tell myself that really it's a good thing to have so many days completely off because it will give me a chance to get some work done on my thesis, and because it's kind of nice to slack off for a little while and because it's not like I REALLY need the money from the restaurant job since I have another source of income and blah, blah, blah. But really? I'm annoyed. I was hoping to save up some extra money for New York, and if I never get to work again that's going to be a lot harder to do. (Incidentally, if you're thinking what I was thinking at first, I have it on very good authority that they're not in fact trying to subtly phase me out and it was just an oversight. So that's good, I guess, but still. Idiots.)

So yeah. Those are the stupid things I think about these days when my brain is not occupied with equally stupid things like reading chick lit and watching The Duel on MTV. And you can tell me all day that you don't have equally stupid/weird daydreams, but know what? I know you're a liar.

All About Marriage

2007-01-09T16:16:00.000-06:00

In all the holiday business I forgot to tell you about a couple of things. Like the conversation I had with my dad (and sort of with my mom) one night over dinner. The extremely abridged version went something like this:

Dad: You're never going to meet a guy as smart as you.
Me: Sure I will.

Dad: No, you won't. You need to stop thinking like that. Look at me and your mom, I'm not as smart as she is.
Me: Yes you are. That's why your relationship works. You're not as educated, but you're just as smart. "Smart" doesn't just mean "has several college degrees". There are a lot of ways to be smart. Intelligence is a separate thing from book learning. And if I don't meet someone that can carry on conversations that I find interesting and intelligent, then I'm never going to get married. Why would I want to be with someone who isn't at least as smart as I am?

Dad: But the love of your life could be the UPS man!
Me: Yes. The love of my life could very well be a charming, intelligent, funny and kind UPS man. Who said I'm ruling out UPS men?!

Dad: I just don't want to hear you say you're never going to get married. You will.
Me: I might. I might if I find the right guy. But there is in fact a possibility that getting married is something I will never do. All I was trying to say was it's a possibility that I'll always be single.
Dad: I think you're holding out for too much. You're probably not going to find a relationship like the one Mom and I have. Very few people ever do.
Me: Then I'm not going to get married! Why would I settle for less than what you have? I've seen what a really good marriage looks like, how could I possibly be happy knowing that my own relationship wasn't as good as it possibly could be? That's the downside of having you as my parents, truthfully, because I've seen a relationship that's pretty damn amazing so now my own relationships have a lot of expecations to live up to. But you found a great relationship, and I could, too. And if I don't I'll just be alone.
Dad: You won't be alone!
Me: You don't know that. And why does it matter if I am? There's nothing I can do with a husband that I can't do just as well or maybe even better on my own.
Dad: You can't have that sort of attitude!
Mom: What are you talking about?! Of course she can have that kind of attitude, that's a GOOD attitude. Ashley, stop listening to your Dad, I don't know what he's talking about right now.

Dad: I'm just saying that you need to stop being so picky.
Me: Did he basically just tell me to settle?

Mom: Yes, and I don't know what he's talking about. You shouldn't ever settle, you do whatever you want to do.
Dad: But you're going to end up with somebody. You will.
Me: Okay. You're probably right, I probably will. I just don't understand what the big obsession with marriage is all of a sudden.
Dad: I thought you wanted to have children.

Me: Yes. I do. And I can also do that on my own, if I really have to.

And from there Dad tried to go off about single parenting and how I might go about having a baby and how I "wouldn't try to adopt a child, would you? Wouldn't you want it to have your own genes?" and I wisely said, "We're done talking about this for the night" because I'm not about to have an argument about a hypothetical decision that won't happen for fifteen years if it happens at all.

So yeah. I don't know what's up with Dad. What happened to being Daddy's Baby Girl and Dad running potential suitors off the porch with a shotgun and all those other cliches? And isn't the mother supposed to be the one that's all gung ho about marrying off her eligible daughters? What's with the role reversal?

I talked about it with my grandma a bit and her theory is that it's sort of a pride thing for my dad. He wants to believe his daughter is worthy of being married off, so to speak, so it bothers him because he thinks I don't think I'm worthy of finding a husband. (Wow, how archaic) But for me that's not what it's about at all. For me it's the total opposite. I am worthy. I'm worthy of waiting, holding out, finding a guy that's perfect for me. I don't have to settle for the first, second, or third guy that comes along and expresses an interest in me. I can hold out and wait for someone awesome to show up, and that's why I say things like "I'm going to be single forever". Because I'd rather be single forever than be with someone who isn't great for me. I don't see any problem with being picky, especially since the alternative to any guy is just me, by myself, and that's a pretty good thing to be most of the time.

Incidentally, Grandma ended the whole conversation by saying, "It's just that we look at you and we just know you're going to end up with somebody, so you have nothing to worry about."

Sigh. Thanks for understanding, guys.

On the subject of finding a perfect relationship for you, my friend Cassie got married on December 30th. It was so much fun, but also very surreal. I've had a couple of other friends get married, but none as good as Cas. Cassie and I have been friends for ten years. (TEN YEARS. Man, I feel old!)
My earliest memory of Cassie is from 8th grade, the day she passed me a note in stupid Ms. Hernandez's 9th period Spanish class that said, simply, "Do you preach the gospel?" I scrawled back something very intelligent and witty and funny, something like "Um...what are you talking about?" and a friendship was born. I still have all of our Spanish class notes in a box in my closet back home in El Paso, and all of them are equally nonsensical. My favorites include, "What if you were black and turned white like Michael Jackson?" and "We can't go see Evita this weekend because I got a 76 in Art and I'm grounded" and the infamous "Dear Ashley, You are a piece of caca with hair" (that one, which also included drawings of our friend Kelli with clown feet and our friend Lisette with a tomato head, was intercepted by Ms. H and earned us a trip to the hallway and threats about referrals to the vice principal's office...Ms. H was constantly threatening to send people to the office). The entire point of Cassie's notes was to try to make me laugh out loud and get into trouble. She was also a bad influence in our 6th period P.E. class, convincing me that Coach Gamboa wouldn't notice if we skipped participating for the ENTIRE SEMESTER and just hid out on the tennis courts (incidentally, she was right about that one and we both got "A"s for sitting on our butts all year).

We never ran in quite the same circle of friends, but our circles overlapped somewhat and we stayed friends all through high school. We weren't the sort of friends who ate lunch together daily or even hung out on weekends all that much, but we had a few classes together throughout high school, most notably our theatre production class. Cassie's favorite thing to do in that class was rope me into being her partner for Flashbacks [this show we did annually that was basically Karaoke With Costumes and Rehearsed Dance Routines] and then insist that our friend Kristen or I sing the bulk of the song while she danced in the background, therefore giving herself the opportunity to say "What are you talking about? I wasn't on stage at all" if something went wrong (and Cas was always convinced things were going to go badly). Our entire friendship has always been like that, full of teasing and tormenting and getting each other into trouble and laughing, laughing, and more laughing.

There was the time we went to Taco Cabana and had to run out of there full speed after one of us (we never can recall who it was exactly) broke the sink so that water was flowing onto the floor. Prom junior year, when a big group of us got together for a lasagna dinner at Cassie's house and then took a trolley to the dance and listened to "The Thong Song" over and over again. The fact that she called me "Queen Latifah" for months before I finally thought to ask why and her answer was, "Because she's your total opposite. She's big and black, you're skinny and white," as if that was a totally reasonable explanation.

When we graduated from high school in 2001, I honestly didn't expect to stay in touch with Cassie. We'd always been good friends but not BEST friends, and I thought we'd probably end up going our separate ways. Over the years I did in fact lose touch with many of my high school friends, and in fact I lost track of most of my very best friends, the ones I thought I'd always know (incidentally, this is probably more my fault than anyone else's, as I am terrible at staying in touch). Somehow, though, Cassie and I always stayed friends. Every time I was in town on a break from school we'd get together, and she would call me whenever she happened to be in Dallas/Fort Worth and later in Austin/San Antonio and we'd spend an afternoon or evening hanging out and catching up. We spent many an hour talking about our relationships of the moment, the good parts, the bad parts, and the crazy parts (and oh, there were some crazy parts).

Last December Cassie introduced me to Jason, and even though he wasn't feeling well and was very quiet that night at the Ale House, I could tell he was a really good guy. When she called me two weeks later to tell me they were getting married and asked me to be a bridesmaid, I agreed right away.

An entire year went by somehow, and I got to know Jason for real. My initial impression wasn't wrong; he is in fact a fun, nice, good guy. And most importantly, Cassie and Jason are very happy together. And, perhaps even more importantly than that, actually, Cassie seems to be completely and totally herself with him. In my opinion, there is no better gauge of a relationship than that.

The morning of her wedding we were getting our hair done at the salon and Cassie turned to me and said, "You need to go tell Katie that her eye makeup is pretty. Katie gets really self-conscious when you tell her she looks pretty, and I'm hoping you'll make her cry. My goal is for all of my bridesmaids to cry today." Typical Cassie, teasing and tormenting even as her wedding veil is being pinned in place.

I wouldn't have her any other way. I hope Jason and Cassie have years of happiness and love. (And I still can't believe she's actually MARRIED!)

P.S.-She met her husband in a nursing home. Just goes to show that you really never know where you're gonna come across that special guy, huh?

Why I Can't Wait for March

2007-01-06T16:18:00.000-06:00

Guess what I did yesterday!

I bought a ticket to see Justin Timberlake in Dallas on March 5th!! I've always liked him as a solo artist, but over the past month or two I've found myself growing more and more...well, "obsessed" is a bit too extreme a word to describe it. Fixated? Completely incapable of dragging myself away anytime I come across one of his videos? Yes. Not to mention Justin Timberlake is the only man in the entire universe that Kymberli and I both find sexy. Seriously, we never, ever find the same guy attractive, and most of our friendship has been spent with one of us saying, "He's so hot" and the other one raising her eyebrows and saying, "Really? If you say so..." (which is possibly why we're such great friends, because we're never in a situation where we want the same guy). I think the fact that we both agree that Justin Timberlake is sexy is proof that the boy truly has universal sex appeal. Although for me it's not a physical thing, since I think he looks exactly like every other semi-handsome white male in America. It's all about his current image with the disheveled suits and that sort of Michael Jackson/Rat Pack/rap star mix he has going on that shouldn't work at all but somehow does. Oh, and the dancing. Mmmm, the dancing.
That's mainly why I bought a concert ticket, actually. I just want to see the guy dance for an hour and a half. I think it's gonna be great. I'm going with my brothers (Shane and Gus, my Adopted Mexican Brother). We invited Chelsea, too, but she's not at all interested in Justin Timberlake (How? How is that possible?). We don't have great seats since we bought the cheapest tickets possible (I love Justin, but I don't 150 dollars love him), but I don't care. I'm just excited to be going. I figure we'll go up for just the night, and I'm hoping to stay with Katy and Scott or some of my other DFW friends. It will be good to see them.

So that's Really Exciting Thing Number One.

As for Even More Exciting Thing Number Two, guess what else I bought yesterday!

A plane ticket to go to New York City for spring break!!!! Mandi got her ticket, too. (Incidentally, did you know that Jet Blue offers a direct flight from Austin to JFK and that tickets for said flight cost less than what I paid to fly home to El Paso in October? Crazy!) I can't believe we're actually going to do this trip for real. Mandi and I have been talking about New York for an entire year, so the fact that we finally have plane tickets feels surreal. We celebrated our purchase by drinking a bottle of champagne and saying, "I can't believe we're really going!" over and over again.
Now comes the really fun part where we pick which shows we want to see and plan all the nerdy hick-tourists-in-the-big-city things we need to do while we're there. We're going to be there for five entire days and six nights, plenty of time to make fools of ourselves. Mandi has never been there at all, so I can't wait to see her reaction to everything. (This will be my fourth trip, I think, although this will be the longest time I've stayed in the city itself since every other time I've been there I was just doing day trips from New Jersey. This will also be the first time that I'm legally old enough to appreciate the nightlife.)
The thing I'm looking forward to most is having my two closest friends in the same place. We're going to stay with Kymberli and Cody for most of the week, and I can't wait for Kymberli and Mandi to meet. I hope they get along. I'm pretty positive they will.

So I have to get through the next two months of thesis writing and box office managing and Ph.D. applications and waiting tables, and I have to do it all spending as little money as possible so that I can afford to tear it up New York City for a week. But with that much to look forward to in March, I have plenty of good stuff to keep me going!

Ready for Action

2007-01-04T01:47:00.000-06:00

Well, I'm back home. And by "home" I mean my apartment, not El Paso (obviously, right?). I use the term "home" very loosely and interchangably to describe both my home here where all my stuff is and El Paso, which I guess will never stop feeling like home to a certain extent, at least until my parents aren't there anymore.

The drive back today was harrowing. It really was! For once I'm not being completely melodramatic. It was fine until just past Fort Stockton, and then it started raining and it rained the entire rest of the drive. And for those of you unfamiliar with the joys of I-10 between El Paso and San Antonio, Fort Stockton isn't even quite the halfway point when you're driving east. I spent, oh, about FOUR AND A HALF HOURS driving in the rain. Which may not sound bad to you, except that it wasn't just a drizzle, it ranged from, "Wow, guess I'd better turn my windshield wipers up to high speed" to "Fuck, I can't see anything!" I hydroplaned minorly five or six times before finally saying screw it and just cruising in the left lane for the next three hours because I was hydroplaning every time I tried to switch lanes no matter how much I slowed down. I contemplated stopping and staying the night in a motel several times, but every time I got to a town that was actually substantial enough to have a motel, the rain would let up just enough to make me think, "Okay, this isn't so bad anymore" and I'd cruise past the motels only to have a the downpour start again ten miles later.
When I was 160 miles from home I got the added bonus of fog, and by the time I got to San Antonio there was lightning, too. Just outside of San Antonio there was a wreck that caused another wreck as everyone else slammed on their brakes to avoid the first wreck. I was far enough back that I was able to come to a stop without hitting anyone, but even though I did everything I know to avoid hydroplaning, it's just impossible not to hydroplane when you're going 50 mph and have to stop rather abrubtly with an inch of water on the road, so my car zig zagged back and forth across two lanes several times before I came to a stop. It scared me. A lot. I'm just glad I had stayed out of the main crush of cars and avoided both wrecks. When I was just fifteen miles from home I watched as a pickup truck up ahead of me hydroplaned and plowed right into the barrier dividing the highway. By the time I passed him the guy had already climbed out of his truck and was on his cell phone so he was obviously okay, but man. It was bad.
I hope I never have to make a drive like that again in my life. Also, I hope the fact that I keep witnessing all these car wrecks is a fluke and not a new trend because that's not really how I want to spend my new year.

The other fun part about all the rain was that I got to unload my car in it! It was raining so hard when I pulled up to my apartment that Cohen flat out refused to get out of the car and I finally had to drag him from the car and carry him inside. Then I had to make about six more trips for the rest of my stuff. And yes, I did consider just leaving everything other than the basset hound and the cat in the car and getting it all out when the rain eventually stopped, except that it's 2 in the morning and still raining steadily so I'm glad I just sucked it up and brought everything in earlier.

I spent the night taking down my Christmas decorations, unpacking and reorganizing all of the animals' stuff and weeding out some of Cohen's toys (Does he really need three old chew hooves, or a half-chewed plastic frisbee? I don't think so, but I snuck them out of the apartment when he was sleeping in case he thinks otherwise), washing and packing up my old bedding and making up the bed with all my new stuff (it's all silvery blue and very soothing looking and I can't wait to go to bed), and catching up on two and a half weeks of mail. Plans for the weekend include organizing my closet to free up hangers for my new clothes, uploading my latest pictures, and trying to figure out if there's any possible way to fit another book (or seven) onto my already overstuffed bookshelves. I kind of want to do a total overhaul and organize all my books into categories, but eh...the thing is, I know I'm moving in less than five months so part of me doesn't even want to bother organizing right now when I'm just going to do another purge of all my junk in a matter of months. But the new year hype is hard to ignore, and the book situation really is getting out of hand. Really.

I. Am. So. Exciting!

Best Resolutions Ever!

2007-01-02T13:07:00.000-06:00

I just took this dumb "What Should Your New Year's Resolutions Be?" quiz, and these are my results:

1) Get a pet frog

2) Eat more whipped cream

3) Travel to India

4) Study magic

5) Get in shape with dodgeball

I love all of the above, except for the part about the pet frog. I personally wouldn't mind a pet frog, but I can't see either of my current pets being thrilled with that.

It's snowing outside right now, and much to my surprise it's actually sticking. I'm supposed to drive home tomorrow since I'm scheduled to work on Thursday morning. Part of me is hoping that all of a sudden this little snow storm turns into something really substantial and I get to stay here a couple of extra days, but I also know I need to get home and go back to work, organize my closet, really get going on my thesis and finish my last three applications. I don't get any work done in El Paso, I'm a lazy bum here. So we'll see what happens I guess, but I suppose I'm probably still going back tomorrow.

2006 in Review Part II

2006-12-31T21:58:00.000-06:00

Didn't think I'd let the new year start without doing this again, did you? I've been doing it for years.
1). What did you do in 2006 that you'd never done before? Presented a paper at a conference, called 911 on purpose (sadly, I've done it accidentally twice...not my fault my phone automatically dials the emergency number when you hold down the 7 key), lived in Stratford, went to Padre for spring break, saw the Rolling Stones and Imogen Heap in concert. Those are a few things off the top of my head, nothing too major I suppose.
2) Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year? I did a decent job with resolutions. My three resoluations last year were to work out twenty days every month, make a home cooked meal at least twice a month, and get a paper published or accepted to a conference. I was good with the workout goal. I possibly didn't make it this month since I stopped keeping track since I came home for Christmas, but I think I probably did twenty days. I did okay with cooking at home twice a month until October, when I got too busy with school stuff and dropped the ball. And I did get to present a conference paper! This year I think I'll keep it simple and not make specific resolutions. I'm just gonna try to stick to my 2007 mantra, (Stronger and Smarter) and try to be more in the moment and less worried about the future, especially the parts of it I can't possibly control.
3) Did anyone close to you give birth? Nope.
4) Did anyone close to you die? No, thank goodness. That was one of the positive things about 2006.
5) What countries did you visit? En-ga-land! And I went to Mexico with Cassie's wedding party on Friday, and even though Juarez is RIGHT THERE, I suppose it still counts. And Canada, if you count spending a total of 14 hours in the Toronto airport, which I personally don't but you can if you want to.
6) What would you like to have in 2007 that you lacked in 2006? A masters degree and a boyfriend (at least, I'm pretty sure I want a boyfriend...still feeling a little gun shy I think). And I'd like to have my Ph.D. candidacy, obviously, but I guess that's not technically something I lacked in 2006 per se, since it wasn't yet an option in 2006. But yeah. It'd be nice to have it in 2007.
7) What date from 2006 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? I am having a hard time coming up with a specific date, but I'm hoping that ultimately I'll remember the days I was having a great time in England. I think I'll also always remember my spring break trip to Padre, for both good and bad reasons. Oh, and I'll definitely always remember the night of my parents' 50th birthday party, for lots of reasons. Hehe.
8) What was your biggest achievement of the year? Writing my paper in Stratford and getting it accepted to the conference in Ohio, and dramaturging Rocky.
9) What was your biggest failure? Letting myself fall apart over Mike. He's really not worth all the shit I put myself through. Nobody is worth that much negative emotional effort, and the worst part is I KNEW that and still wasted a lot of time being depressed about it anyway. It was just a big waste of energy, and even though I know logically that the only way out of it was to get through it, I'm still annoyed with myself for focusing so much energy on the negative this year when plenty of positive stuff was also happening in my life.
10) Did you suffer illness or injury? Not really. That most recent cold/flu thing was probably the worst sickness I suffered all year.
11) What was the best thing you bought? I didn't buy the entire thing, but I put some of my own money towards England and that was the best thing I did all year.
12) Whose behavior merited celebration? Mandi, for always being so graceful under pressure and still maintaining her sense of humor and strength even though she has had to deal with more crap this year than anyone should have to deal with in a decade. And Kymberli for following her dreams and taking her chances in New York. I love my girls.
13) Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? Mike's, obviously. Surprise, surprise. But mainly I'm appalled with myself for letting his appalling behavior actually bother me that much. Stupid.
14) Where did most of your money go? Rent, as always. Other than that, food and travel expenses.
15) What did you get really, really, really excited about? Not much, honestly. I guess the most exciting thing was getting ready to go to England, although that experience was so much work as well that it was exciting in a different way than the usual pure "I'm going to Europe!" excitement. It was still awesome, though. And I got excited every time I was going to do fun things with my family, like my two trips to Las Vegas, our trip to Houston, coming home for my parents' birthday party and the Stones concert, etc.
16) What song will always remind you of 2006? "I'm bringing sexy back. YEP!"
17) Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder? Maybe a little sadder, but only because I feel much less certain about the future than I did at this time last year. I'm feeling happier in general right now though than I have at pretty much any other point over the course of 2006, though, so that's a good thing. I'm finally pretty much happy all the time now with very brief moments of sadness, instead of the other way around.
ii. thinner or fatter? No noticeable change either way.
iii. richer or poorer? I made a bit more money this year than I did last year, but again, there has been no major noticeable change.
18) What do you wish you'd done more of? I wish I'd read more plays, done more research for my thesis project, and had more sex (just being honest!)
19) What do you wish you'd done less of? Crying (I am not a crier most of the time, so I'm hoping it's out of my system for at least the next year), eating fast food
20) How did you spend Christmas? Flew back from Las Vegas with Chelsea the morning of Christmas Eve, had fondue that night with my parents, brother, grandparents, and relatives from New Jersey, opened some gifts and laughed a lot, slept, woke up the next morning, checked stockings, opened more gifts, got together with the whole family again and ate a lot of prime rib. It all went by really quickly again.
21) Did you fall in love in 2006? No, I fell out of love instead. Blech.
22) How many one-night stands? Uh, half of one? There was the night we went to the club in Stratford and I drank too many vodka energy drinks and ended up in bed with someone but a) the main reason I slept in his bed was because my roommate was already with Irish guy in my room so I couldn't go in there, b) we didn't actually have sex or even fool around all that much beyond kissing, and c) the only reason it was only one night was because that's what I wanted it to be. Had I wanted it to be something more it would have been, at least for a while. In short, I don't think it really counts.
23) What was your favorite TV program? Big Love. I can't wait for it to start again! Also Lost and Grey's Anatomy
24) Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year? I don't hate anyone right now. I don't even really intensely dislike anyone right now.
25) What was the best book you read? Probably The Time Traveler's Wife
26) What was your greatest musical discovery? Carrie Rodriguez, Snow Patrol (better late than never)
27) What did you want and get? To present a conference paper, to be involved in some productions at Texas State (got A LOT of that!), to study in England
28) What did you want and not get? A healthy relationship, a surprise windfall of money
29) What was your favorite film of this year? Probably Little Miss Sunshine, although I can't remember many other films I saw right off the top of my head
30) What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? I turned 24. My birthday itself was boring since it fell on a Sunday two days before Rocky opened so I was too busy with rehearsal and putting together my lobby display to really celebrate. But two days before my birthday, Mandi threw me and her boyfriend Jason a birthday party (we share a birthday) and I had a great time. We went out on the square and then went back to Mandi's for dancing and Jello shots and funny conversations. It was a really good birthday celebration. Then a few days after my birthday my siblings and Chelsea's Mike took me out for dinner, which was also nice.
31) What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? Never having to worry about finances. Wouldn't it be great to never have to worry about money and whether you're going to have enough? It doesn't buy happiness, sure, but never having to worry about it at all would sure make life much less stressful all around.
32) How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2006? Lazy. I have a lot of really cute clothes, and I love dressing up for box office or going out. The thing is, I put on a work uniform three or four mornings a week now and then when I get home I usually shower and just put on my pajamas at 4:00 in the afternoon unless I have specific plans to go somewhere later in the evening. My other bad habit is putting on my workout clothes when I get up in the morning since I know if I put the workout clothes on I will actually work out at some point during the day. But then I don't exercise right away, I end up going to run errands and doing my laundry or whatever and before I know it it's time for night class or rehearsal and I'm still in my workout clothes and I haven't worked out yet, so then I end up wearing my workout clothes all day but not actually working out until 10:00 at night and...well, it's stupid. One of my goals for 2007 is to get better about working out and walking Cohen first thing during the day just so I have more opportunities to put on real clothes.
33) What kept you sane? Cohen and Jose. They were always there when I needed a warm body to cuddle and "kiss" away my tears when I was sad, and walking Cohen is always a big mood booster for me. Plus nothing in the world is funnier than a silly basset hound steam shoveling his head around the living room and howling with his nose shoved under the recliner. He made me smile and laugh every single day, and it's so nice to have something alive and happy to see you to come home to, even if it's not actually a human being. I'm not big on actually talking about my problems, I'd much rather just sit with someone quiet and let myself be sad for a while, and animals are great for that. I don't know what I'd do without them in my life.
34) Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? Justin Timberlake? I don't know, I don't do the celebrity crush thing. You know that.
35) What political issue stirred you the most? Uh...I listen to the news on NPR every afternoon, so do I at least get credit for knowing what's going on in the world of politics and world conflicts even if I'm too self-absorbed and selfish to really bring myself to worry about any of it too much? The two things I do care quite a bit about and will always get worked up about are abortion rights and gay marriage, and I'll support both in every way I can, but I can't honestly say I've been politically active this year at all whatsoever. I'm not even registered to vote where I live right now (shhhhh).
36) Whom did you miss? Matthew, and all the other people I was already missing prior to 2006 (Kymberli, Mike, all of my college friends, my family...I have friends scattered across the country now, so no matter where I go for the rest of my life I'll be missing someone important)
37) Who was the best new person you met? Richie my favorite Canadian, and Debbie. I think I can count them as one person since they're pretty much always together, to the point where it's never, "Where's Debbie?" or "Did you call Richie?", it's "Did anyone tell DebbieandRichie?" They're both smart, fun, and funny, and I'm so bummed we only get to be in the same place for ten months.
38) Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2006. There are some factors in my life that I cannot control, cannot fix, and cannot make better. And when things don't go my way, all I can do is make as many positive choices as I can and know that eventually my fortune will change for the better, I just have to hold on until it does. Also, there's no point in trying to predict your own future, because there's no way to know what's going to happen next and it's best to just not even try.
39) Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
I am unwritten, can't read my mind, I'm undefined
I'm just beginning, the pen's in my hand, ending unplanned
(Uh, that's the positive spin on things, but it's best to take a glass-half-full view of things, wouldn't you say?)

2006 in Review Part I

2006-12-28T00:28:00.000-06:00

I've been seeing this all over, so I figured I'd try it. It's a summary of the year, as revealed via the first sentence of the first post in each of the twelve months of 2006.

1. Can you believe it's 2006?
2. I'm not really watching the Super Bowl today.
3. So I just did a word cloud.
4. So this semester ends in a month, more or less.
5. Today should have been awesome, except that Mike completely fucked things up.
6. A week from today I'll be at the airport in Toronto, an hour away from boarding my flight to London Heathrow.
7. Unfortunately this 100th post isn't going to be anything momentous.
8. So, I met a crazy man at the river today.
9. I think I'm getting sick.
10. I know I'm not the busiest person in the world.
11. Why yes, I did have a birthday today.
12. Why am I finding it so impossibly hard to just sit down and write my personal statement for Ph.D. applications?

Well, that wasn't very exciting. Okay, how about this one : I'm going to think of each month and write down the first memory that pops into my head from that particular month, whatever it may be. It has to be the first thing I remember, even if it's not actually the most momentous thing that happened that month. (Wow, can you tell how bored I am right at this exact moment?)

January: Hanging out at Chugging Monkey on 6th Street with Mike.
February: Sobbing on Chelsea's couch during Cohen's birthday party, the day Mike called to tell me that he and Jenny were officially a couple.
March: In Padre at spring break, wading into the Gulf of Mexico in the middle of the night still wearing all of my clothes, freezing, buzzed, and simultaneously more depressed and more hopeful and more confused than I've ever felt in my entire life.
April: I honestly cannot think of a single vivid memory of anything that happened in April. Or rather, I don't want to admit that the only thing I immediately remember from April is taking Cohen for a nighttime walk around the apartment complex while crying/yelling at Mike on the phone.
May: Doing yoga warm ups in summer Shakespeare class, Jen teasingly telling me that she purposely took the spot behind me during the daily sun salutes because she liked to look at my cute butt.
June: Amanda and I happily drinking an entire bottle of mead (the one Alex purchased at the Tower of London) during the pre-party at our B&B in Stratford the night before Amanda's birthday.
July: Crying with Mike as we stood in the parking lot of his apartment complex and rain poured down and thunder crashed very theatrically as I told him I couldn't speak to him ever again [Wish I'd stuck to my guns initially on that one, incidentally, but oh well.]
August: Chelsea and I sharing an entire cheese plate in the middle of the night in our hotel room in Houston.
September: Our first grad student night of the semester, drinking 99 cent strawberry margaritas and already knowing that I was going to have so much fun with everyone.
October: Falling down the stairs the night Night of the Iguana was sold out. Haha.
November: Sitting outside on my cousin Jen's back patio on Thanksgiving, drinking red wine with Richie and my cousins as little Hannah played with her Barbies on the floor beside me.
December: Laughing with Kymberli and all of my relatives and the guys at Rachel's rehearsal dinner.

To be completely honest, I've never been more happy to begin a new year. 2006 was the first year of my life that hasn't been basically an improvement over the year before. My life has always gotten progressively better, or at least held steady from year to year at a pretty good place, but 2006 was definitely not a great year for me. It's unfair to say that it was a bad year, because it definitely wasn't. Many good things happened this year. My time in England was amazing. My trips to Las Vegas in January and December were both great. Careerwise, 2006 has been my most successful year yet. I met some great new people, finally made one very close friend and several other good friends in grad school, felt financially stable, had a lot of fun times with my family. But ultimately, I know 2006 will always be dominated by bad memories of my final split with Mike. Unfortunately that overshadows almost everything else, no matter how hard I try to focus on all the really good parts of the year. I finally feel like I've seen the light at the end of the tunnel as far as all of that is concerned, and nowadays I can say "I'm okay and ready to move on" and seriously mean it. But I have to also honestly admit that I'm damaged now in a way I wasn't prior to this year. I'm not angry about that anymore. I think it needed to happen, I needed to get hurt badly once so that I'm smart enough to hopefully never let it happen again. It's part of growing up, and I think I needed to go through all the pain this year to get on to the different, hopefully better things that are coming up in my life. What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger and all that, and that's definitely the case in this situation. But my acceptance of the events of 2006 as a necessary lesson in my life doesn't exactly mean I enjoyed almost an entire year of learning it.

Really, I think 2006 sucked for almost everyone. Other than the two people I know that got/will get married this year and my parents, who seemed to be having the time of their lives pretty much all year long, and Chelsea, who seems pretty happy now that she's with her Mike, everyone else I know seems to be thinking of the past year as dull at best and traumatic and depressing at worst. My grandfather was in and out of surgeries during the second half of the year and spent most of his time firmly convinced he'd be dying at any moment (that's only sort of a joke). One of my best friends lost her father to cancer this summer and is currently dealing with a relationship that has seemingly been on its last legs for months, the other spent 2006 dealing with her parents' divorce, adjusting to a difficult move, and handling asshole men in general. Another very good friend just found out a tumor she had treated three years ago is back, only this time she's not going to be able to do chemo treatments again because she simultaneously found out the original chemo treatments have permanently damaged her heart. And all of that is just the tip of a pretty crappy iceberg.

When I think back on this year, it's not fun to reminisce like it usually is. I have to think of specific days and moments to have happy memories of 2006. If I think of the year as a whole, I mostly feel a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach coupled with a thought process that is something along the lines of "Jesus Christ, I'm glad I already got through that and this year is almost over."
I don't want to seem ungrateful. Like I said, I had plenty of good times even if there weren't quite enough to balance out the bad. I'm still alive and healthy and am once again mostly happy, and I'm surrounded by friends and family who love me and will with any luck and grace struggle out of their difficult times as well. Things could be much, much worse. I'll try to keep focusing on the good, and be grateful for all the ups I had this year, and in time I know I'll mostly forget all the downs.

Still, 2007 can't get here fast enough.

Yikes

2006-12-27T14:08:00.000-06:00

Last night Chelsea and I had a near death, or at least near injury and near expensive car repairs experience.

We had gone out to the bars on Cin Street along with Chelsea's best friend Valerie, which proved to be pretty lame on the whole. We had fun together, but the scene was just sort of blah. We had a few drinks, I marveled at how few attractive men there are in this city, I saw Mike briefly but he didn't see me and I opted not to talk to him which felt weird but not terrible. I didn't see anyone else I knew from high school, which makes me feel really old. 24 doesn't seem like it should make me feel too old for the college bar scene, but it sort of does. It did last night, anyway.

Chelsea and I left Valerie with a guy she was flirting with and headed home at about 1:45. We were on the freeway just past downtown, cruising just under the speed limit in the middle lane. A truck was in the right lane driving slightly in front of us. Then all of a sudden out of nowhere a silver sports car came zooming up behind us in the left lane, going way over the speed limit. Just as the car got ahead of us in the left lane it made a sharp turn and crossed directly in front of us at a 90 degree angle to our car. Chelsea was able to slam on the brakes and save us, and we watched as the car slammed into the truck in the right lane. It was the weirdest thing I've ever seen a car do in real life. I still can't figure out how the driver was able to cross in front of us at that angle. It didn't seem like he just swerved, it seemed intentional, deliberate. I hope it wasn't, because how creepy would that be? But still, it was very unnatural and scary. We pulled over for a minute and I called 911, the first time I've ever had to call 911 for anything. A few other cars pulled over to help so as soon as they told me they were sending an ambulance and we realized there were plenty of other (probably more competent) people helping, Chelsea and I left since we'd both been drinking and even though we weren't drunk it seemed a good idea not to hang out and wait for the police. I gave the dispatcher my phone number, so I imagine they'll call me if they need someone to be a witness about the accident. The wreck didn't look nearly as bad as it could have been, the front part of both cars hit and it seems like most of the damage was just to headlights and bumpers, which is sort of amazing considering the high speed at which they hit. But then as Chelsea and I continued back to our side of town we saw THIRTEEN police cars driving the opposite direction on the freeway. They can't all have been headed to that one accident, so now I'm wondering what the heck else was going on last night.

I'm just glad Chelsea was driving the speed limit. If she'd been going 5 miles an hour faster, we would have been the car that got hit. But we're okay, and Chelsea gets to celebrate her birthday today and we're apparently going to make it to the new year. But be careful, everybody, there are a lot of crazy drunks on the roads out there.

The Day After

2006-12-26T19:25:00.000-06:00

"There's nobody in this world I hate more than T.O. Except the Pope."

I think that was the best comment Grandpa made during this year's Christmas festivities. (Incidentally, I don't think he has a personal vendetta against this particular pope, he just dislikes any organized religion but particularly Catholicism...I think it mostly stems from the fact that he's an ob/gyn who has worked most of his life in the county hospital and he gets frustrated with the poor women coming to the hospital to give birth to the tenth child they can't support because they're devoutly Catholic and don't believe in birth control) Grandpa also pointed out several times that this could be his last Christmas, but got mad at me when I pointed out that it could be anybody's last Christmas. The boys spent most of Christmas dinner telling dirty jokes over the prime rib. It was pretty much Christmas as always.

My aunt, uncle, and two cousins from New Jersey are visiting for Christmas, so it has been fun hanging out with them. Cohen enjoyed the Christmas Eve fondue and ate enough meat for six basset hounds. We've all been laughing a lot and I'm having a good time.
I got some really nice Christmas presents: a few shirts and sweaters, a pair of Citizens of Humanity jeans (I have now fully rationalized wearing jeans that cost $200 a pair. After all, what else do you wear pretty much every day of your life? Plus they really are ten times more comfortable), a couple of books, a bunch of makeup and perfume and lotion and other girly things like that, some workout clothes and workout DVDs. Chelsea's Christmas gift to me was a ticket to see The Lion King when it tours through Austin in March, and she and Shane gave me my very belated birthday present, a gift certificate to the Four Seasons! I'm extremely excited about that. I'm thinking I'll probably use it at the spa. Mmmm, the spa. The biggest surprise was my grandma's Christmas gift to all of us. She decided that all of her grandchildren need to see the nation's capitol, so she's paying for my family and my aunt's family to take a vacation to Washington D.C. (The relatives from New Jersey have already been to Washington D.C. a few times, so they're getting a trip to Colorado to go skiing instead). I don't know when we'll go, probably sometime this summer, but I'm already excited. I feel like it's the only major U.S. city I've never visited, so it's about time (I'd say L.A., New York, Chicago, and Washington D.C. are the four big ones, wouldn't you?). Plus we always have a really good time on family vacations, so I'm glad we already have one in the works for this summer. The other big surprise was that it turns out my great-grandmother, who passed away last December, left all of us grandkids some money. It wasn't a lot of money, but in my case it's enough to buy some new bedding, the one Christmas gift I wanted but didn't actually get. So all in all it was a very good Christmas for materialistic reasons as well as the more important family fun reasons.

Want to know what my favorite Christmas present was, though? When I was a baby I was obsessed with this book called Hide and Seek With Wilma Worm. My mom likes to tell the story of the time I made my dad read it so much one afternoon he finally got fed up and hid it under a couch cushion and then later that night she had to call him at work to figure out where he'd put it because I was having a screaming fit and wouldn't go to sleep without reading the book. We also have an entire page in my baby photo album that is nothing but pictures of various relatives reading the book to me. At some point I finally outgrew the book and it got lost, but on Christmas Eve I opened a present from Grandma and there it was, a used copy of Hide and Seek With Wilma Worm!! I hadn't seen it in twenty years. It's fabulous, it teaches you to count all the way to five. I can see why my parents despised reading it over and over again. But I loved it so much I used to sleep with it at night like it was a stuffed animal. It's nice to have a copy of it again.

So that was my Christmas. I hope everyone else feels pleasantly spoiled and stuffed full of food and loved today, too.

Merry Christmas!!

2006-12-25T16:14:00.000-06:00

So, happy Christmas 2006! How was yours? Mine has been pretty terrific so far. I'd tell you about it, but I'm thinking I should wait until the entire holiday is actually over since we haven't had Christmas dinner yet and heaven forbid I do a Christmas post without waiting to see if my grandfather says anything ridiculous and entertaining at the dinner table this evening.

But I can tell you about Las Vegas and Rachel's wedding! I can't tell you in great detail because I have to share this computer (which is working again, thank god) with five people and any minute now somebody is going to want it since I've already been on for about an hour, but I'll give you the highlights.

Getting to see Kymberli. Enough said.
The rehearsal dinner, which was at Wolfgang Puck's restaurant in The Venetian. They went all out, with an entire hour of wine and appetizers before the dinner even started and then a three course meal with more wine. I think I personally polished off an entire bottle of red wine, and everyone else at my table seemed to do the same. The food was delicious, too.
Hanging out with a whole bunch of my cousins. I especially had fun with my cousins Jamie and Carly from California, who I hadn't seen in several years. I remember when we were kids and they'd come to El Paso and visit us in the summer and we'd go to Wet and Wild and make up dance routines to movie musicals. And now we dance at clubs and drink too much wine, and life is more fun than ever!
The groom's friends. Chelsea, her boyfriend Mike, Kymberli, Jamie and I grabbed a table at the rehearsal dinner and wound up sitting across from four of the groom's best friends, who ended up being some of the funniest people I've met in a long, long time. Possibly some of the funniest people I've met ever. Over the course of the weekend we ended up meeting more of his friends, and they were all hilarious and most of them were attractive too, although unfortunately most of them were also married or too recently divorced and probably too old for me. I had fun hanging out with them, though. They kept us laughing all weekend, usually at inappropriate moments. Like during Rachel and John's toast at the rehearsal dinner, for example, when Kurt turned to us at the table and stage whispered, "I hope they make it". I don't know if it's just 'cause we were all buzzing or what, but it was so damn funny. We all had to stifle our laughter, which of course only made us want to laugh harder. Kymberli was literally crying with silent laughter. The entire dinner was like that. My aunts at the next table kept looking over at us like, "What the heck is going on over there?" I would just shrug, like "Hey, cute funny Jewish guys. Can you blame us?"
After the rehearsal dinner Kymberli ended up going back to the room and Mike ditched us to play poker, so Chelsea, Jamie, my aunt Claudia and I went out. Jamie won't be 21 until August so she borrowed the bride's ID to try to get into the clubs, and it actually worked the first time. A club promoter got us into Tao, a nightclub at the Venetian. I liked Tao a lot, it was really pretty inside, all red and black and full of candles. I've been to a lot of the Vegas clubs now, and this one is definitely one of my favorites. Of course, since it was a Vegas club there were the usual mostly-naked girls that are paid to dance on platforms around the club or just lounge around on elevated beds touching each other's legs. My favorite were the two girls sitting in a tub of sorts wearing nothing but sparkly pasties. Every time we're in Vegas Chelsea and I wonder aloud why we don't get paid to just stand around in underwear bobbing slightly to the music and looking bored. Maybe I'll just get a boob job and move to Vegas if this whole school thing doesn't work out for me. So yeah, the girls were ridiculous but that's just a given in Las Vegas. The dancing was fun, the drinks were strong, the lighting was flattering, I recommend it. Especially if you can get in without paying cover, like we did.
Then Jamie and I tried to use these free passes to Jet that we'd gotten from a club promoter at the Mirage, but the bouncers there were smart enough to recognize that Jamie doesn't remotely look 27 years old, and that's how she got Rachel's ID taken away. Oops. By the time I left Las Vegas yesterday, Jamie still hadn't spilled to our cousin that her ID had been confiscated. Fortunately, I think Rachel only lent Jamie her ID card because she also had her passport with her. Otherwise it's gonna be like, "Congratulations, you got married! And you're staying in Las Vegas, because now you can't get on an airplane!"
The champagne brunch buffet at The Mirage. I ate about three meals at once. I am a glutton.
I won a hundred dollars playing blackjack!!!
The wedding ceremony itself, because it was super short, because the minister had a weird voice that was fun to mock later, because my cousin got married in an orange dress and I think that's cool, and because at the moment when the minister said, "We are here today to join this man and this woman..." I turned around and saw our friends from the rehearsal dinner solemnly reach out to each other and grasp hands. And then we were all laughing at an inappropriate time, again.
Realizing that for the first time in a long, long time I watched a wedding without imagining my own. And instead of feeling sad about the fact that I no longer have someone in my life I can see myself marrying someday, I realized I feel liberated, like there are so many possibilities. Right now I'm happy in a way I haven't been for a long time. It may be too soon to say this, but I think maybe the spell is finally broken, so to speak. I feel good. Really, really good.
The wedding reception, held in a ballroom at The Venetian. We had another full meal and it was open bar again. Fun times. Expensive times, probably, but fun times. Thank you to whoever hooked us up all weekend, it was awesome.
Walking down the strip with Kymberli after the wedding, singing, "I'm bringing sexy back. YEP!" over and over again and amusing only ourselves. At one point Kymberli said, "We're the most annoying people on the strip" and I thought about it and said, "No. Sadly, we probably aren't." Because have you BEEN to Las Vegas?
Leaving Las Vegas with more money than I came with.

I'll post a link to pictures when I get home next week.

In the meantime, have a great Christmas!

Broken Internet

2006-12-20T14:09:00.000-06:00

The internet at my house here in El Paso sucks. In fact, the whole computer sucks, and by "sucks" I actually mean, "is totally frozen and not working at all". I'm typing this from my laptop at my dad's bar where I can pick up the wireless internet from the coffee shop next door. It's 1:00 in the afternoon so I have this entire huge bar to myself...kind of creepy, actually, especially considering how insanely windy it is outside right now.

Anyway, the timing on the internet being down sucks because I really wanted to upload another one of my applications before I go to Las Vegas on Friday, but oh well. I have until January 5th, there's time.

But hey, did you hear that? Vegas on Friday!! Chelsea and I are going up there for my cousin Rachel's wedding, and since Chelsea invited her boyfriend, I invited Kymberli. It should be fun. I'm excited, anyway. My main goal is not to drink TOO much, although I've yet to decide what exactly I mean by "too much". Especially since part two of my Vegas goals is to get as many men as possible to buy drinks for Kymberli and I just by batting my eyelashes. (Forgive me, but most of the time it's amazingly easy and I can't help but take advantage) I just know I don't want to be hungover when we come home on Christmas Eve since it's my favorite part of the holidays and I'm going to be angry at myself if I can't enjoy it. So I'll try to be sensible, or at least as sensible as one can be in Vegas when your cousin is getting married at the Venetian and there are dance clubs to visit and hands of blackjack to be played.

So yeah, I'm about to go to Las Vegas and apparently for the time being my access to the internet is going to be sporadic, so don't worry if you don't hear from me for a while.

And now I'm off to compare digital cameras since Mom promised me she'd take me to the store today to get a new one. Yay!!

Booze Hound

2006-12-18T16:41:00.000-06:00

Hi.

Does anybody know how to republish their entire blog in blogger beta? It's annoying me that all the posts don't look the same anymore, but I can't seem to figure out how to just republish the whole blog (which I think would solve my problem, right?). Anyway, if you know how to do it, let me know.

I was walking Cohen around my old elementary school this afternoon and I ran into my fifth grade teacher. She recognized me walking down the street and said hello and we chatted for a minute. Afterwards I couldn't decide if I should be horrified that I apparently still look more or less the same as I did as an 11 year old or if I should be flattered that someone who taught me thirteen years ago still remembers me at all.

And yes, I'm home for the holidays. So far nothing all that exciting or crazy has happened, although I did take Cohen to my dad's bar on Saturday night, on my dad and grandpa's insistence. The bar was packed with hundreds of people watching the Cowboys game, but Dad just carried Cohen into the bar. For a while nobody even really noticed he was there since he just lay under the table eating a new bone I'd brought for him. Then during the second half of the game he sat on Dad's lap. It was really cute, actually. He was a really good boy and didn't bark at all, and everyone in the bar was coming over to pet him so he was in basset hound heaven. Too bad we're not more like Europe, where well-behaved dogs are allowed in many of the bars and stores and nobody bats an eye.

I feel like I was going to tell a couple more stories, but I guess I've forgotten them.

Also, I suppose I should mention it's my goal to not see Mike while I'm home. I just finally snapped last week, realized that I'm lying to myself when I am saying I just want us to be friends when obviously I was still hoping for something more, and realized that if he's about to start dating seriously again I don't want to be around at all when that happens. It hurts too much. I've also acknowledged that I'm not going to be able to get over him fully and completely until I meet someone else to think about, but talking to him in the meantime was hard as often as it was fun. I still hope that we're going to be friends someday, but I know I'm just not to that point yet and I can't keep rushing myself to get there. So in the spirit of the new year and a clean slate I decided to just stop talking to him for a while and wait until I am honestly completely over him and really don't care about his half dozen hos. Then I'll start talking to him again. I just can't be sad about him anymore, you know? It has been almost a whole year. And that's not to say I'm moping about him constantly, because that's definitely not the case. There are many days now when I honestly don't care, and I've managed to go entire six week periods without having a cry about it. But there were also still days when he'd be talking about a new girl and it would make me really, really sad. And I just can't do that to myself anymore. Even one hour of crying about him at this point is too much, you know? If he's going to have a girlfriend other than me, I just don't need to witness it at this point. And someday when I once again have a boyfriend of my own or I've finally been single long enough to be ninety five percent comfortable with it and I finally realize in my heart what I already know in my head, which is that I'm mourning the idea of our relationship more than our relationship itself and that I am just as happy without him as I would have been with him (if not more so), then we'll start talking again. But not until then. Or at least, that's what I'm trying to make myself do.

It's hard, especially being here in El Paso, which is admittedly a bit boring when for the time being the only people I have to go out with are my parents (not that my parents don't bring the party, because they do, as you well know). But I guess in theory I am here to visit my FAMILY and maybe it's about time to make up for the five years of holidays in which I probably saw more of my boyfriend/ex than I did of my dad. But you know, it's not as hard as I thought it would be, and not nearly as hard as this was when I first tried it back in July. In fact, I almost feel like I could actually get used to this.

It's the smart thing to do. And it's going to make me stronger in the long run. And that's my motto for the coming year. If it doesn't make me stronger or smarter, then it has no place in my life in 2007. (And happier, I suppose, although I've discovered that complete happiness is actually pretty fleeting, so making a choice just because "it will make me happy" doesn't really work. Plus "it will make me happy" allows for choices like kissing inappropriate men and drinking that fifth vodka tonic, and I don't think a good life mantra should easily allow for such choices...at least not at this point in my life. So I figure it's better to aim for overall peace and contentment, which is really just a deeper sort of happiness anyway, right? Stronger+smarter=happier in the long run anyway, I figure).

Better

2006-12-14T00:25:00.000-06:00

I'm happy to report that I'm no longer dying.

This morning I got out of bed and actually felt like doing more than lying on the couch, as opposed to the past few mornings which involved downing a bunch of Dayquil and forcing myself to put clothes on.

I even went to a little party tonight, partly to celebrate the holidays and partly to celebrate my friend/professor who just earned her doctorate last week. There was a ton of homemade Greek food, sugar cookies with the best icing ever, and good wine, so I was really happy (and really stuffed; apparently I am completely incapable of stopping myself from eating plateful after plateful of spanakopita). I also talked to a lot of people who had sound advice about things to do with my life if and when I don't get into Ph.D. programs this fall, so I left feeling not only full and happy, but reassured.

I also read today that 2007 is going to be a sensual year for me. I can't wait!

Samuel T.I. Cohen, CGC

2006-12-12T01:09:00.000-06:00

Good news all around today!

First and foremost, Cohen passed his Canine Good Citizen test this evening! You may recall that we first tried to get his CGC certification back in October but he failed the test the first time around. So we did six more weeks of training, mostly consisting of a good half hour every day of practicing walking on a loose leash, and today we took the test again and he passed! Admittedly, we barely passed by the skin of our teeth, but a pass is a pass, right? Not bad for a basset hound who isn't even two years old yet! Now my basset has his first title and is officially Samuel T.I. Cohen, CGC. Sounds fancy, huh? I couldn't be more proud of my little guy:

I still really want to get him fully certified to do therapy work, but at this point I think I'm going to have to wait on that until at least next fall, once I'm (hopefully) settled somewhere else and he's a bit older and calmer. But at least we have the CGC now, which is the first step. In the meantime, I'm thinking of enrolling us in a tracking class this spring. It's a bit pricey but I love taking classes with him and I like giving him a chance to use his brain for something other than wondering what our neighbors are doing outside. Plus I think he'd LOVE tracking since it would give him a chance to really work with his instincts instead of against them. We'll see if I get ambitious enough to try it (the beginners classes are at 8 AM since it's easiest to track early in the morning when there's dew on the ground, apparently--that's the one major deterent).

Anyway, after the test I took my new Canine Good Citizen to meet Chelsea for dinner and then convinced her to come to Zilker Park with me so we could walk the Trail of Lights. It was pretty and fun and festive, and Cohen enjoyed himself, too (although since dogs obviously can't appreciate Christmas lights his experience was less Trail of Lights and more Trail of Discarded Turkey Leg Bones and Popcorn. Oh well!)

The other good news of the day is that I got a 100 on my Backgrounds paper and presentation. You know, the paper where I did nothing but strive for the 65 I needed to get an A in the course? The paper that I opted to read aloud in class instead of creating an actual presentation like most of my classmates because by that point I just didn't care anymore? The paper that I researched, outlined, and wrote all in one twelve hour period that was really more like a seven hour period because I took several breaks and a two-hour nap? Yeah. You'd think I'd be happy about this, and technically it is good news because hey, my lovely GPA is still lovely, but really it just kind of pisses me off. What I wrote was for all intents and purposes a piece of crap. Seriously, it was. I'm not being hard on myself, it was CRAP. It was worthy of more than a 65, true, but it wasn't worthy of more than an 85, and I'd say that's being generous. I have a suspicion that the professor (who was annoying on so many levels and as far as I'm concerned is completely unqualified to be teaching a graduate level class) didn't bother grading our papers at all and gave everyone in the class 100s. And no, that doesn't make me happy AT ALL. It pisses me off, not because I put in any effort (I didn't), but because some people in the class obviously actually did, and it would be completely unfair for us all to get the same grade when some of us (especially me) were such slackers about this project. The thing is, there's really no way for me to find out if my theory is true because I always feel so awkward asking about grades, especially when in return I have to say I got a 100 (which inevitably sounds like bragging). Plus it will just piss me off even more if I find out that I got a 100 and other people didn't. Because I know I'm a decent writer, I know that I'm good at procrastinating successfully, and I know that I'm good at presenting papers most of the time. But I'm not that good. Nobody is that good. Nobody should be allowed to be that good. Grrr.

Oh well, it's over. I got my A, whether or not I actually earned it. And I guess I shouldn't look a gift horse in the mouth. Or something.

Hmmmm

2006-12-11T01:25:00.000-06:00

So apparently nobody wants to play the game I'm calling "Let's Pretend Friday Night Never Happened" and instead wants to actually talk about Friday night and all of the hows and the whys and the implications. Which is kind of difficult, considering I don't remember any of those things and there are no implications as far as I'm concerned.

Thank god break officially starts on Tuesday, and since I'm already done with everything I can continue to hide out until then, which is easy because did I mention I'm dying and I don't really want to do anything other than lie on the couch or in a hot bath anyway?

Being sick really makes me want to be in El Paso. I loaded Cohen into the car tonight so the poor dog could actually get out of the house for longer than five minutes at a time (I haven't felt up to walking him for real and I feel terrible about that) and I went and got myself some soup, wishing the whole time that I had someone around who could take care of me. I realize I'm being a big whiny baby about this, but when I feel lousy I just want my mom. Not that my mom actually does anything particular for me when I'm sick, I just think it's instinct.

Oh well. I'll be home next week, with all the good and the little bit of bad that entails. In the meantime I have animals that like to cuddle and a lot of cough syrup.

Definitely Dying

2006-12-10T16:26:00.000-06:00

So yeah, I'm definitely sick for real. I finally managed to stop throwing up and actually eat some soup around 1 a.m. yesterday, but then I woke up this morning for work and felt like crap in an entirely different way. I'm not nearly as queasy anymore, but now I have a sore throat and a cough and a runny nose and an itchy back, all my usual cold symptoms (P.S., does anyone else in the world feel like you need someone to be scratching your back constantly when you have a cough? I know my sister does, but usually when I describe that as a cough symptom people look at me like I'm crazy.)

I'm not surprised that I'm sick. I finished with school on Thursday, and I always get sick within days of finishing school. It happens every December and every May. It's like I finally get to relax completely and then I collapse. Fortunately I made it through work this morning and now all I have to do for the rest of today and all day tomorrow is play Halo and address my Christmas cards, so if I have to be sick now is a pretty good time to do it.

The basset is whining to go out, so I'd better go.

Blech

2006-12-09T22:59:00.000-06:00

So I think I'm dying. Last night there was an end of the semester party for the theatre department. The guys that threw it were calling it "The Night You'll Never Remember" party, but unfortunately I remember far too much about the party, especially the part of the party where I ended up kissing an undergrad that I don't even particularly like when I'm sober and then throwing up a lot. I knew before I even went out last night that I was in one of those moods that would probably end with some inappropriate making out, but even I can't figure out how or why I ended up kissing this guy, of all people. What can I say, I'm a happy, spread-the-love kind of drunk and when I drink too much I can be persuaded into kissing pretty easily. Fortunately it's not equally easy to persuade me into bed so I don't worry about it too much. A little kissing never hurt anyone, and I definitely don't have nights like that very often. Actually, I just now remembered that Amanda and I were three-way kissing with one of the gay boys last night, so I guess I was just in a kissing mood. I hadn't done that since college! (And for the life of me I can't remember who the guy was. Zach maybe? I have no idea...maybe Amanda remembers)

So yeah, I actually had a lot of fun last night until I turned into "the throw up monster", as Chelsea would say. And now I'm feeling sort of embarrassed today, and grateful that everyone is leaving for a month and by the time everyone gets back in January the rumor mill will be on to other things.

The thing is, I haven't been able to stop throwing up all day long. I didn't get out of bed until 5:00 this evening, and I actually intended to work out and clean my house, but then I realized all I'm capable of doing is lying on the couch. This is not a normal hangover. I tend to have headache hangovers and not queasy stomach hangovers, so that alone makes it different, but I have never in my life thrown up this much and I have had nights where I've had much, much more to drink. And even during hangovers where I was queasy, I've always been able to just throw up once and then feel substantially better. This hangover isn't working like that. I'm in the bathroom about once an hour, and the only thing I've been able to have all day is Sprite, but even that I always end up throwing up eventually (in fact, I'm only drinking it just so that I have something to throw up other than stomach acid. Gross but true). This is ridiculous. It's not normal. Is it possible that an allergic reaction could be making me throw up? Because last night I drank the trashcan punch and afterwards I had that itchy throat, swollen lip feeling that I get when I'm having an allergic reaction. I didn't worry about it too much at the time because it seemed minor enough, but now I'm wondering if that's why I can't stop throwing up. Anyway, this SUCKS. I hope I'm feeling better in the morning because I have to work tomorrow.

In other news, I just took Cohen outside and there is a topless girl in the hot tub. She's in there with a guy and I only saw her from the waist up, so I suppose it's possible that they're both totally naked. I realize there aren't any signs or anything specifically forbidding nude swimming, but come on! It's not a private pool! Surely that counts as indecent exposure and is illegal, right? I don't need to see boobs when I'm just trying to walk my dog, that's all I'm saying.

Let the Nail Biting Begin!

2006-12-06T03:38:00.000-06:00

The online applications for the two California schools have been submitted. Tomorrow the paper portions of those applications will be put in the mail. Now that those two applications are finished, I've basically done everything I need to do for three of the four other applications, so I'll probably try to get those ones in the mail by late next week. And then it's just a matter of finishing the super long shot application, which involves writing an actual paper specifically for the application. Thankfully that one isn't due until February so I can procrastinate a bit longer.

And then it's time to just sit and wait. I have to say, I honestly don't feel very confident and hopeful about all of this. I also know that as much as I say I don't care all that much and will just keep trying until I do eventually get in somewhere, I know that I will be pretty bummed if I don't get any offers. Still, if I don't get any offers I'll chalk it up to my path lying elsewhere, at least temporarily. The world of academia is pretty cutthroat and maybe trying to work towards a tenure-track position is not necessarily the path I take if I want to do the marriage-and-family thing eventually anyway. I don't know. There could be something else out there for me if this doesn't pan out.

That's the frustrating part of all of this, of course. The not knowing. You all should know by now that I HATE not knowing what is going to happen to me. I can deal with whatever the outcome might be, I just want to know what it's going to be one way or the other as soon as possible. I had one of my mini melodramatic fits about the uncertainties of my love life tonight. You know, whining about how I'm going to be alone forever and be the crazy lady with the basset hounds and have to get one of my gays to knock me up just so I can have some semblance of a family. That fit. Which was a nice change from this week's main theme, which has been the "I'm never going to get a theatre-related job and the past six years of school will have been a huge waste because I'm going to spend the rest of my life as a cynical bartender, thank God I didn't actually have to shell out any of my own money for this useless education" fit. The question, of course, is why can't I just chill the fuck out and stop worrying about the future all together? But I can't stop worrying about it. Because apparently that's what I do, I worry. Which is not to say I'm walking around all the time with this cloud of doom hanging over my head worrying about the future and never actually enjoying the hear and now. Because I do enjoy the present very much. Especially lately. But I guess it all boils down to the fact that I'm just too pragmatic to ever really forget that that the future is rapidly bearing down on me and I can't stop it. Besides, I was the girl who started having panic attacks worrying about her own death at the ripe old age of SEVEN, so none of this should be surprising to me.

(I no longer have panic attacks when thinking about my own death, just so you know. I haven't had one for years now. Not because I've actually learned to stop fearing death, but because I've learned how to shut that portion of my brain down when I feel a panic attack coming on. So that's progress, at least. Also, I've always been skilled at confining panic attacks to the privacy of my own bedroom late at night, and I'm also not so sure that these are actual panic attacks in the true sense of the word anyway. Uhuh. Anyway. Moving on before you all think I'm totally crazy.)

Speaking of the future, I have an 8-page paper and a presentation due on Thursday, and have I started writing the paper? Nope. Have I started outlining the paper? Nope. Do I even know exactly what my topic is going to be? NOPE! Seems like every semester I have to push the envelope just a bit more in terms of how much I can procrastinate and still actually complete all of my work. In this case it isn't helping at all that I got a 99 on our last test and can get a 65 on both the paper and the presentation and still end up with an A in the class. So since I'm aiming for like, C-calibur work I don't exactly feel like this is something I need to worry about. But I'm sure I'll be cursing my decision around this time tomorrow night as I gradually realize I'll be staying up all night to finish the damn thing. But hey, Thursday night this semester is over!

Huh?

2006-12-04T01:35:00.000-06:00

So apparently Blogger has gotten rid of the old text color I was using. So I picked this pink color in the meantime because it's close enough to what I had before (horribly clashing, but whatever), but I'm kind of annoyed. Where did the old color go? Oh well, I just discovered how easy it is to play with the template now that I am using this beta blogger business, so maybe I'll mess with it over break and make something completely new. Or not. We'll see.

Also annoying? I discovered on Friday that the thief that took my camera also took the charger and USB cord for my mp3 player. It was all in the same drawer as the camera so I'm sure the person going through my drawers just took everything that looked like it might possibly go with the camera. So I was all happy that my mp3 player was in Austin with me and didn't get taken, but the mp3 player is pretty useless if I can't charge it or upload music to it, now isn't it? So I called Dell and found out that because this particular mp3 player hasn't been manufactured in (gasp!) 9 months that they no longer carry any of the parts for it and I ended up having to go through their spare parts department where luckily I was able to get a refurbished cable and an AC adaptor that "should" work. So that's fine (other than the fact that I'm now out the $40 it took to replace the missing parts) but I'm sort of angry at Dell for making my mp3 player basically obsolete. I haven't even had it for two whole years yet! It's not like I'm looking for parts for a ten year-old computer or something. Does anyone else feel like that's sort of ridiculous?

ALSO annoying? I got a letter from the electric company saying my bill is past due and that they will be disconnecting my power on 12/04. Which happens to be tomorrow! There are a couple of problems with this. Number one, I never got a bill from the electric company this month, and yeah, I suppose it's sort of my fault for not realizing earlier that I hadn't paid an electric bill in more than a month but when they change the due date every month, how am I supposed to keep track? Plus when I did actually think of it (which admittedly wasn't until late last week) I assumed they were just off because of the Thanksgiving holiday and if I hadn't gotten the bill by this week I'd call them and see what was up. Lo and behold, I checked the mail today and got the letter saying they'll disconnect my power on 12/04 unless I pay the bill in full by 5:00 PM on 12/01. But when did I get this letter? Not on Friday, because I checked mail on Friday and it wasn't there. Nope, this letter didn't arrive until 12/02, a day AFTER my past-due amount was due. Idiots. So now I have to get down to the city utility department tomorrow and explain myself, hopefully before they actually shut off my power.

In better news, I finished the online portion of my two most pressing applications today (the crazy California ones due on the 12th). Now all I have to do is write the statement of purpose and then a two-page directing statement one of them wants and I can overnight everything to California. Given, those are the hardest parts for me, but I fully intend to sit down and finish them tomorrow. Shouldn't be impossible, since I have the whole day off from work and I apparently have to wake up at 8 AM to yell at the electric company anyway. And if I can finish those tomorrow then I can put everything in the mail on Tuesday and spend the rest of Tuesday and all day Wednesday writing my stupid paper for Backgrounds (which hopefully won't matter too much because hopefully I aced Thursday's test and therefore only need a 75 or so on the paper to make an A in the class...)

I am so ready for it to be Friday. That's my self-imposed, absolutely-the-latest-it-can-be-mailed deadline for putting my California applications in the mail, and my paper will be presented and turned in by then. I may just have to be awake 24/7 Tuesday through Thursday to make it happen, that's all.

Personal Angst

2006-12-02T19:18:00.001-06:00

Why am I finding it so impossibly hard to just sit down and write my personal statement for Ph.D. applications? That should be one of the easiest parts, shouldn't it? It's just two to three pages about me and what I am interested in and what I want to do. It should not be hard to just sit down and churn something out. And yet it is. I had the same problem when filling out my grad school applications, too.

And the thing is, it's not that I don't know what I want to do. I mean, there are still quite a few areas where I'm vague, but I know enough. I know that even though my background at this point is fairly equally balanced between classical and modern theatre, I prefer contemporary theatre to anything else (this despite my summer-long immersion in Shakespeare). I know that I get a huge rush from directing and that I'd like to direct new plays or modernized classics. But I also know that while I often enjoy modernized Shakespeare or modernized classical theatre, I don't like when people screw around with Tennessee Williams or Arthur Miller or any plays that are still relatively new because I want to see those ones as I feel the playwright intended them to be performed (and no, I DON'T know why I hate the one but don't mind the other). I like expressionism and surrealism and symbolism but get easily annoyed with absurdism, despite the fact that they are all pretty similar in a lot of ways. I want to teach college, and if given a choice I'd love to teach dramatic theory or any theatre history course. Part of the reason I want to be a professor is that I presume by doing so I'll have time for my own research and writing, which I enjoy even as I bitch about it endlessly. I especially enjoy researching productions. I love to travel and hope that my future will include a lot of it, whether it's for research or teaching a study abroad course or whatever. I flirt with the idea of theatre management or being an artistic director and I think it would be awesome to do season planning and discover new playwrighting talent. I am also recently obssessed with the idea of making theatre more accessible to the public, making it both more affordable and more appealing. I am particularly obsessed with the idea of making theatre more accessible to young people. I don't want anyone in this country to have to wait until college (much less first have to have the opportunity to go to college in the first place) to see their first "real" live performance. I don't want anyone to believe that "theatre" only means stuffy Shakespeare and The Crucible. I don't know how I personally am going to help accomplish this goal, but it is something I've been thinking about a lot lately.

How is it that I can write all that here in less than twenty minutes but I can't make it articulate and format it into a statement of purpose? Ugh. Maybe that's a start at least. Maybe. At least I typed up my CV today and managed to do some research for my paper that is due on Thursday, so I haven't been a total slacker.

And because I actually did some work today, I can now play videogames for a couple of hours guilt-free. On Thursday morning at work I got to talking to the kitchen boys about videogames [Incidentally, I'm still not all that close to most of the other servers. We get along at work and we chat but I don't hang out with any of them outside of work but a lot of them hang out with each other so I always end up feeling a little bit out of the loop. Since I have no desire to be sleeping with anyone I work with and since that seems to be what everyone else is into--that and constant drinking--I don't really mind being a little out of the loop. And I'm not the only one in my position, there is a definite divide between the "lifers" who have been working there for a really long time and don't do anything else and those of us who are students and only work a few shifts a week. There are a lot more lifers than part-timers, though, hence my feeling out of the loop. But enough about restaurant politics, the point I was going to make is that I don't feel close to any of the servers but the kitchen boys love me for some reason]. I mentioned to the guys that I've beaten a few Zelda games and really like Guitar Hero and DDR and any game where you race cars and any game with cute characters and all puzzle games, and somehow they decided that they could take this minor interest in videogames and turn it into a full-blown addiction. I tried to explain that I'd dated a serious gamer for three years and while that certainly got me interested in gaming it never turned into an obssession and if that didn't turn me into a gamer nothing would, but they wouldn't listen to me. And that's why Martin showed up to work on Friday morning with an Xbox and his copy of Halo and threw it all into the back of my car when I got to work and said, "There. Practice on easy mode, learn how to talk shit, and soon you'll be playing with us all the time." And that's how I ended up playing Halo for over an hour last night and why I've been telling myself all day that if I could get some real work done I could play some more. I hate to admit it, but there's something incredibly cathartic and almost soothing about obliterating aliens. Plus the music is really cool. I can't say that this is the start of an addiction, but Carlos is supposed to bring me more games at work tomorrow, and I have to admit I'm kind of excited.

I just wish they'd waited to start my "training" until next week, because it was hard enough to buckle down and work on these stupid applications and papers before.

Anyway, I think I'm gonna go to the Christmas fair here in town and have some campfire biscuits and hot chocolate for dinner. I've been out with my friends all weekend (dinner and drinks at Outback last night and checking out the new Irish pub in town followed by Rocky's and post-last call drinking at my apartment afterwards on Thursday) so I'm a little tired and think that will be all for me tonight. I can't wait until next weekend, when hopefully I'll have nothing to do.

A Meme Project and a Little Story Called "Someone Robbed Me"

2006-11-29T00:02:00.000-06:00

Alright, so I'm not sure exactly how exactly this is working (because it's late at night and I'm tired and I basically just skimmed the project information) but apparently a graduate student is doing a project to figure out how quickly memes travel around the blog world. And since I came across the project on someone's blog today, I figure it would be skewing his results ever-so-slightly if I didn't acknowledge that I'd seen it. Plus he told readers to " Relate sob stories about poor graduate students in desperate circumstances. Imply I'm one of them." And since about half the time that describes me as well (especially as Ph.D. application deadlines and the end of the semester loom) I figured the least I could do was link to his page and play along.

So here. Check this out. Contribute to the experiment.

And now I have a question for you: What do a digital camera, a set of five pound weights, and a package of rainbow-colored Sharpies have in common? If you answered, "Well, Ashley, they are all things that were stolen out of your apartment last week while you were out of town!" then you win the prize.
Yeah. Apparently someone came in here and took stuff while I was staying in Austin. It took me a while to realize it, and to convince myself that I'm not just crazy, but now I'm positive that someone broke in here. I know, I know. You're rolling your eyes and saying, "Come on, surely you just misplaced those random things." But hear me out.

Let me set this up by reminding you all that I am almost freakishly organized. I have a very little apartment, and it is a very neat and organized apartment. I'm a "place for everything and everything in its place" kinda girl. I straighten up as I go, or at the very least straighten up the apartment every night before going to bed. This is not an apartment where it is easy for stuff to go missing. Which is not to say I don't misplace things once in a while, but...

Monday night I used my digital camera here at the house to upload Cohen's Christmas card pictures and my pictures from Ohio. That was the last time I used/saw the camera. On Tuesday evening after work I drove up to Austin. From that point until last night (Monday), I was only in my apartment for five to ten minutes at a time every other day or so. I'd come in with my duffel bag, toss my dirty clothes into the hamper, grab some clean clothes, and then head back to Austin. To anyone watching my apartment, it would have been obvious I was out of town.
Saturday afternoon after work I stopped by the apartment to grab some clean clothes and get my camera to take it to the concert. That's when I discovered my camera wasn't in its usual drawer. I didn't think anything of it at the time, though. I just assumed I must have misplaced it somewhere else in the apartment or thrown it into one of my bags and taken it to Chelsea's house with me for some reason (maybe I wanted to take pictures of the dogs? I didn't know, but it was entirely possible it was already at Chelsea's). When I got back to Chelsea's I searched all my bags for my camera, but it wasn't there. Oh well, I thought, it has to be somewhere in the apartment because you used it on Monday night.
So last night I finally got home for good, and the first thing I did after unpacking was search for the digital camera, which was nowhere to be found. Still, I didn't look EVERYWHERE everywhere, so I figured I was just overlooking it somehow. I once misplaced a battery charger for several months, so it is possible. I wasn't worried. But then I went to get my Sharpies so that I could mark my calendar. [Pause for a moment and keep in mind that I am a huge dork before you continue reading. Ready? Okay.] I have this package of rainbow-colored Sharpies, and I use them for one thing and one thing only: putting a star on my wall calendar on the days I work out. I don't use these Sharpies for anything else. I don't take them anywhere, I don't do other projects with them, they stay in my desk drawer unless I'm using one to mark my calendar. So I was puzzled when I went to mark off the days I'd worked out in Austin on my calendar and my Sharpies were missing. Huh. I knew I wouldn't have taken those somewhere with me, but I thought maybe they'd gotten stuck in the back of the drawer or I'd grabbed them and carried them into the bathroom or kitchen and gotten distracted and put them down, blah, blah, blah. I searched around a bit but gave up and went to bed, sans camera and markers but not all that worried about it.
Then today after work I decided to search for my camera AGAIN. I couldn't shake the thought that I was just not looking carefully and missing it (I'm notorious for missing things right in front of my face, so I still figured it was just my own stupidity at this point). I began by thoroughly searching the camera drawer, and that's when it dawned on me for the first time that the cord I use to upload the pictures to my computer was missing. And that's when I got chills for the first time, because here's the thing: there is absolutely no reason in the world why I would have taken that cord anywhere. There's just not. The fact that the cord was missing, too, made me realize that someone must have taken the camera. So I called my dad, because I needed someone to tell me that I'm crazy and stupid and had obviously just misplaced the camera somewhere and was overreacting. But instead Dad said, "File a police report." And I said, "What if I file a police report and then find the camera somewhere totally random three weeks from now?" and Dad said, "That happens. Don't worry about it. File the report."
But I felt so stupid. I mean, the only things missing were a digital camera and a set of markers, I figured the police would just laugh and assume (probably rightly) that I'd just misplaced my own stuff and was an idiot. After all, there was absolutely no sign of a forced entry. There was no sign that any of my things had been rifled through. And why wouldn't the burglar have taken anything else from the house? (I still don't have a good explanation for this, other than the fact that thankfully every other small, valuable, easy to steal and conceal thing that I own--my mp3 player, my cell phone, my laptop, my nice rings--were in Austin with me, and I guess the burglar didn't like my taste in DVDs).
Anyway, I talked to Mike to get his opinion, and while I was talking to him about whether or not I should call the cops he triggered a memory and I realized that last night when I'd gotten home the drawer to my bedside table was lying on the floor. Now, it's a rickety drawer. It does fall out once in a while, and that's why I didn't really think anything of it last night. But it has never fallen out on its own, ever. It has only fallen out when I've been trying to open it. And it's sort of tricky to jimmy it back into place once it has fallen out, so I guess the person must have broken it and been unable to get it back and and just had to leave it lying there (because other than that, the entire apartment looked perfectly normal) So basically, the drawer alone wouldn't be suspicious, but the broken drawer along with the missing items was enough for me to call the police.
So I called the police and filed a report and talked to some people in the apartment office (although not the manager, since she was already gone for the day). I was still feeling like I could have been panicking about nothing, though, until I went to work out a couple of hours ago. I went in my closet to get my weights, and they're missing, too. And that was my 100% positive sign that someone broke into this apartment. Because as much as there's no reason that I would take the camera cord or the markers out of this apartment, there is absolutely ZERO reason at all whatsoever that those weights would be anywhere but their spot in my closet.

So yes. Someone broke in here and stole from me for sure. And the worst part is that there was no sign of a break in. I came home to an apartment that was as fully locked and burglar-barred as it had been when I left it. Which means that whoever came in here is someone that works here, someone with a key (I've never made a spare key, so the only people that have one are me and the apartment complex office). I just feel so betrayed, especially since this is a small apartment complex and I chat daily with both maintenance men and the women that work in the office. I'd hate to think that someone who loves on Cohen and chats with me every day stole from my apartment, but there's really no other explanation.

I'm going to talk to the apartment manager tomorrow, but I'm not sure she can do anything. I don't think I can legally change my locks and not let them have a copy of the key (can I?). I just want her to figure out which one of her employees broke in here. If she can't do that, she needs to figure out some way to make me feel safe in this apartment. I'm not big on the idea of breaking my lease and moving at this point, but I'm also not big on the idea of staying here as long as I know that someone untrustworthy has access to my key and can come in at any time.

Ugh.

I tried to make myself feel better by decorating my apartment for Christmas instead of the school-related stuff I should have been doing. And it mostly worked. My apartment kind of looks like Christmas threw up all over it, but it's very cheery. I'm happy that I'll be able to enjoy my decorations for the next two weeks. I love Christmas. I would take pictures and post them, except, hey, I don't have a camera anymore! My mom said that she'd get me a new camera for Christmas, which is wonderful because I'd started entertaining the thought of buying myself a new camera anyway, but this isn't the way I wanted to get one.

Finally, I'm getting a little annoyed with the whole PC, "Happy Holidays" thing. I get that not everyone celebrates Christmas and it's nice to ere on the safe side, but it's getting out of hand. This evening at Target I bought a mini Christmas tree, four new ornaments (one of which was an angel), and a box of candy canes, and as I finished checking out the cashier said, "Happy Holiday!" Happy holiday. Lady, there is a CHRISTMAS TREE, a BOX OF CANDY CANES, and an ANGEL ORNAMENT in my cart. I may be mistaken, but I think you can be safe in assuming that regardless of whether or not I am actually a Christian, I am planning to celebrate CHRISTMAS, and you can express appropriate wishes.

It's a crazy world.

Remember Pete and Pete?

2006-11-26T22:54:00.000-06:00

I'm watching The Squid and the Whale right now, which I've been meaning to do since last spring but I just never got around to it. Tonight I found it sitting here on Chelsea's coffee table along with some other movies she borrowed from her neighbor, so I figured I'd see what all the hype was about. Anyway, it's very good so far (I'll have to see how it ends since I'm only an hour into it) but I can't stop thinking about how the oldest son in it reminds me of the older Pete from that old Nickelodeon show Pete and Pete. I know it's not him because the resemblance is not that exact and this guy wouldn't be the right age, but now I have a craving to watch an old episode of Pete and Pete. There should be a television channel that shows all those old Nickelodeon shows. Hey, Dude! was pretty awesome, after all.

I'm starting to feel pretty ready to move back to my own apartment. Staying at Chelsea's hasn't been bad. I hate her shower (no water pressure) and that she doesn't have a dishwasher (I'm lazy) and I've been having allergy attacks every day (because I'm allergic to all furry animals that I don't live with on a daily basis so all the Cedric/Morty hair is messing me up) and I've walked into the same oddly-placed dresser every single day at least once and now have a massive bruise on my right hip (because running into it once wasn't enough to teach me, apparently) but other than that I feel pretty settled in up here and I've had a good week. Plus I was able to do laundry for free and walking the dogs in her neighborhood is much more fun and exciting than walking them in mine, so there's that. Really, I've been having a nice time. However, Morty got out of the yard not once, not twice, but THREE times today and each time I had to chase him through the neighborhood wearing just my pajamas. His legs are about as long as a pony's so each time I had to rely on someone else to finally notice that I was running a block behind the dog shouting his name and tackle the dog for me and then hold him until I finally caught up. And of course Morty was absolutely gleeful and so proud of his antics. So yeah, thanks for the workout, Voldemort. You're a very sweet, crazy dog, but I'm glad your mom is coming home tomorrow.

Last night Amanda, Richie and I went to the Imogen Heap concert, and it was awesome. She put on a great show, once again. Her set was almost the exact same as the concert Matthew and I saw in May (almost all the same songs, different order), but that's not a problem considering she plays all my favorites. Her opening acts were great, too. There was Kid Beyond, this beat box guy that blew us away. I have no idea how one person can make so many sounds with his mouth, or how he discovered he had that talent in the first place. And the other opener, Levi Weaver, impressed me so much with his grace under pressure during some technical difficulties that I actually got all cheesy and sent him a myspace message telling him how much I'd enjoyed his set in spite of everything. I don't know what possessed me to do that since it's very unlike me to gush to total strangers, but oh well.

Anyway, catch an Imogen Heap concert if you can. She's a good performer and seems to be a genuinely nice person who cares about her fans. She actually recorded an outgoing voicemail message for Matthew when he waited for her after the Houston show. Who does that?! So cool. So yeah. All three of you that read this should check her out, and do it now before she disappears at the end of this tour to record a new album.

The Day After

2006-11-24T19:23:00.000-06:00

The only thing bad about going to someone else's house for Thanksgiving is that I don't have all the leftovers to make my standard day-after-Thanksgiving sandwich. So instead I just ordered myself chicken and artichoke fettucine from a restaurant around the corner that I like and it is going to be delivered any minute now. An okay compromise, I suppose.

Thanksgiving ended up being a lot of fun. Everyone seemed to really like Richie and he liked everyone, my cousins and cousin-in-laws and Richie and I drank several bottles of red wine and had some entertaining conversations, Richie had his first ever experience with green bean casserole (you should have seen the jaws drop around the table when everyone realized the Canadian had never had green bean casserole...which admittedly was never a standard at my family's Thanksgiving dinners but even I know it's like, THE traditional sidedish), and I got some good laughs from the antics of my cousin's four year-old daughter. It was a really good day.

I have nothing else to say, really. Good movies are on Bravo tonight so I think I'm gonna stay in (I say, as if I wasn't planning on staying in anyway even if there hadn't been good movies on TV). Maybe I'll even work on some application. Maybe.

Time Goes By So Slowly

2006-11-22T20:52:00.000-06:00

I can't wait to grow up and become Madonna.

I thought I'd be sad not being with my family for Thanksgiving, but honestly, I haven't minded nearly as much as I thought I would. It helps that I just saw them last weekend for my show. That was fun, by the way. Did I mention that the fire alarm went off in the middle of the show the night that my family came to watch? And that I was house managing that night and that the stage manager and I had to be in charge of evacuating the theater? And that we had never actually discussed an evacuation plan so Laura and I had to just kind of make it up as we went along? Oh, and that before all that even happened we had to delay the start of the show because one of the actresses got stuck behind a big wreck and was running incredibly late? It all went fine, and all the troubleshooting was even kind of exciting in a way although I had to make three or four announcements to the entire house which is a lot more work than I usually do for my salary on any given night.

Speaking of money, at the restaurant job I've already made $100 this week just from working lunch yesterday and today. Since this is the job I got stuck working over Thanksgiving weekend, it's nice that I'm actually making some money. It makes staying here feel somewhat worthwhile. Although technically I did sort of travel for Thanksgiving since I'm staying at Chelsea's house while she's in El Paso. I brought Cohen and Jose up here and I'm watching all four animals over the long weekend. At this exact moment, three out of four of them are on the couch (Chelsea's cat Cedric is shunning the rest of us for some reason).

Anyway, I'm gonna go do some reading or studying and try to be productive since I'm taking the whole day off tomorrow. Tomorrow I'll be busy introducing Richie my Favorite Canadian to the joys of Thanksgiving, America-style. We're going down to San Antonio to hang out with my aunt, uncle, and cousins, which should be fun. And then Saturday is my second Imogen Heap concert this year! This time I'm going with Richie and Amanda, which should be a lot of fun, too. So yes. Stuff to look foward to, which is better than stuff to stress about.

Alright, I'm boring myself. Good night.

It's That Time Again

2006-11-20T23:36:00.000-06:00

Yes, it's that time again. That time that occurs every two months or so where I proceed to freak out about THE FUTURE and have an entire day where I feel on edge and uneasy before finally half-heartedly convincing myself that it's all going to be okay somehow.

And it will be. I know that. I'm a smart girl with a lot of marketable skills. Even if I don't get to do exactly what I want to do with my career right now I'm going to find some way to make a living and be somewhat successful and not starve to death. I guess I'm just a little freaked out right now because the first of the applications for PhD programs are due in three weeks and I honestly don't know what my chances are. But considering most of the programs I'm applying to take two people--TWO PEOPLE--the chances are probably not great. I don't know how many people apply, but if they're only taking two people each semester, statistically there's not a very good likelihood that I'll be one of them.

And that scares me a little, mostly just because I don't have a good plan B right now. And I feel like I really, really need to start making a Plan B, because spending the next year or two bartending in El Paso doesn't sound very appealing. But that's as far as my mind has gotten: PhD program, or back to El Paso to regroup. And I think I'd be able to regroup pretty quickly and not have to spend much time living in El Paso before I found something better to do, but ideally I'd like there to be a seamless transition from this step to the next step so that I don't have to spend time in El Paso at all.
(Incidentally, I'm pretty sure that going back to El Paso really isn't my only other option, but like I said, that's as far as my mind has gotten).
(Oh, and also, please don't interpret this as El Paso bashing. I actually like El Paso, I seriously do. It's just that there's not much theatre there so going back to El Paso automatically feels like quitting/giving up my dreams and that's why I'm against going back to El Paso. It has nothing...okay, very little...to do with the actual place or the people there)

So yeah. My plan is to work a little bit on my applications every day and get them all sent off before Christmas break is over. I'm freaking out, but I'm going to be okay. Everything will work out the way it's supposed to, even if it doesn't work out the way I hope it will. All in all I'm lucky. I need to remember that, always. And hey, maybe if this whole school thing falls through I'll at least get a boyfriend out of the deal. Because apparently I can have love or I can have career success but I can't manage to have both at the same time.

I was feeling bad because I feel like I didn't really do anything productive today, but then I realized I
A) Closed the box office down for the semester and compiled everyone's hours
B) Took down my lobby display
C) Took Cohen to his obedience class in Austin
D) Did laundry
E) Caught up on uploading all my pictures
F) Designed and ordered my Christmas cards*
G) Made a detailed list of what I need for each application and when they are due

And really, that's not bad for a Monday.

*If you'd like a Christmas card featuring an adorable basset hound, a somewhat pissed off tuxedo cat, and me, e-mail or myspace message me or leave me a comment if you're not paranoid about internet weirdos and I'll send you a card full of holiday cheer!

Everybody in the Club Rock On

2006-11-16T23:32:00.000-06:00

It's only 43 degrees outside right now! Given, it's the middle of the night and earlier this afternoon the temperature was close to 70, but still. Cold(ish) weather! I'm wearing my favorite lounge-around-the-house sweater right now, this big blue cashmere thing I inherited from my brother several Christmases ago when he opened it and immediately decided the cable pattern makes it "too gay". I love it, though, it's so cozy. Definitely one of my top five favorite items of clothing. And Jose is curled up with his head on my chest. He likes the sweater, too.

Anyway, I have plenty to talk about, which is why I haven't been updating lately. Haven't you all realized yet that I only write when I have absolutely nothing of interest to say?

So, Rocky. I completed my lobby display on Tuesday afternoon about three hours before the show opened. It came out pretty good, if I do say so myself. My thesis committee members gave it their seal of approval and the director seems pretty thrilled by it, and that's all that really matters. Well, and the fact that I'm pleased with it. That matters, too. My parents are flying in to watch the show tomorrow night, and my siblings, my sister's boyfriend, and my Adopted Mexican Brother Gus are all coming to watch, too, so that should be fun. Since I'm still having a hell of a time describing exactly what I do as a dramaturg (I've now had about three conversations with my mother in which she says, "So you're the director?" and I have to say, "Um, no...") I'm glad there are at least tangible things like the lobby display and my name on the front page of the program to show everybody. I mean, there's a lot more to it than that, but if that's what people can understand about my job, well, at least that's something. And eventually in the spring there will be a thesis to read, but that's the beauty of my thesis topic: everyone can watch the show and go, "Oh, okay, cool" and then nobody has to feign interest in a 1oo-2oo page document. Haha.

Oh, and the show has been incredibly popular. We sold out every show but one last week, and by yesterday we'd sold out the entire rest of the run. Which is great and all, but last night was hell, though, because there somehow ended up being several double sold seats and no way for me to fix the problem since the show was sold out. It was frantic, people were angry, and there was nothing I could do about it. I hated everyone by the time last night was over. Luckily I was able to trouble shoot as much as possible and I decided on a few things I can do the rest of the week to hopefully avoid similar problems, so we'll see. Tonight went much, much smoother and I'm hoping Friday and Saturday will go okay as well. I'm supposed to watch the show with my family tomorrow night but I may not be able to actually go in and relax until intermission if front of house is as hectic as it has been the past couple of nights. I did already watch the show with a full audience on Tuesday night, though. Matthew came into town for the night and I watched with him, Claire, and Amanda. Afterwards we went to Applebees for drinks and dinner and because I was still dressed in my Rocky Horror outfit and telling anyone that asked, "Oh, I just came from my other job" I think half of my coworkers now think my other job is "prostitute". Awesome.

In other exciting news, Kymberli bought a plane ticket to Las Vegas today. YAY! Chelsea and I are supposed to go up there a couple of days before Christmas for our cousin's wedding (have I already talked about this?) and Chelsea decided to bring her boyfriend and since I'm not in a relationship (unless by "relationship" you mean "strange lingering undefinable thing with an ex that is almost certainly a bad idea because it's ultimately nothing and he's a bit of a man whore right now but at least I know exactly where I stand at the moment and we're actually getting along really well as friends right now so why quit?") I invited--okay, begged--Kymberli to come to Las Vegas to hang out with me. And she actually is!!! I'm so excited!! I didn't mind the idea of being there with just Chelsea and her Mike too badly (yes, her boyfriend is named Mike), especially since a lot of my relatives will be there. But having Kymberli there with me will be much, MUCH more fun, plus I don't have to be in a lonely hotel room by myself. Yes!

Finally, the Ohio trip went great. I had a good time hanging out with Amanda and Dr. C., Ohio/West Virginia is surprisingly beautiful (I don't know what I was expecting, exactly, but I didn't expect it to be as pretty as it was), I met several Canadians that have way stronger Canadian accents than my favorite Canadian, Richie, and my paper presentation went fine. Better than fine, actually. It was supposed to be a panel of three people but only two of us ended up actually being there, so I was a bit stressed when I realized our question and answer session would be longer than the norm since we had all the time that would have been taken up by the third paper. And then all three of the people Amanda and I had secretly been making fun of all weekend ended up being in my session. One of them was this guy Dr. C pointed out who had been staring at me in sort of a creepy manner during the conference luncheon, one of them was a guy who asked really difficult questions in each session seemingly in an attempt to throw presenters off on purpose and not because he was actually interested in the paper, and the third one was this senile old man. Fortunately Difficult Question Guy directed his difficult question to the other panelist and left me alone, Creepy Guy wasn't that bad after all, and Senile Man made such a stupid point that I was able to just reply, "Well, that's not within the scope of this paper, and at any rate I disagree with you" and that was that. My paper sparked some interesting discussion, and afterwards I had several people come up and tell me it was an "excellent" paper, so I feel pretty good about it. And Amanda and I were by far the most stylish people at the conference, which is of course the most important part. Ha.

Anyway, I'm gonna get some sleep so I can get up and go to the outlet mall tomorrow morning. I've pretty much exhausted my imagination making up slutty/sexy Rocky costumes from items already in my closet, so I've turned it into an excuse to use some birthday money at Victoria's Secret. And possibly Hot Topic, although I kind of hate Hot Topic. Yeah. Good night.

Round on the End, High in the Middle

2006-11-11T19:11:00.000-06:00

Here are a few observations that I feel completely qualified to make about southeastern Ohio and the mid-Ohio valley region considering I have now spent two full days here:

These Ohio Valleyans (?) love them some taco salad. There has been a taco salad on every menu I've seen since I arrived in West Virginia, including the menu for the pizza place where Amanda and I ordered dinner tonight. Odd.
They also love those check-cashing places. I've seen at least five places with variations on the name "Cash Stop" since I got here, and this is not exactly a big, bustling town.
It's exactly like most towns in Texas in the fact that the Super Walmart is one of the most happenin' places in town after 10:00 PM.
Their local commercials are even more cringe-inducing than the ones in central Texas, which shouldn't be possible.

But I like it here. It's beautiful (actual autumn weather, complete with colorful leaves! What a concept!!) and the conference has gone surprisingly well. More on all that when I get back to Texas, though (maybe). Pizza just got here, so I'm outta here.

P.S.-Someone please explain this to me: The Comfort Inn offers free wireless internet, but the Four Seasons charges $10 a day. I get free internet in the hotel room we're paying $62 a night for, but the Four Seasons can't handle shelling out for free internet? Seriously?

24

2006-11-05T23:12:00.000-06:00

Why yes, I did have a birthday today.
I'm 24 now. Do you realize that 24 is only SIX YEARS away from 30? I got my new drivers license in the mail and when I saw that it expires in 2012 and I realized that I'll be THIRTY in 2012, I had a moment. It's not that I'm worried about 30, exactly. Age is just a number, blah, blah, blah, and honestly, 30 doesn't sound too terribly old to me (not when I can look at my parents, who just turned 50 and are busy running off to Las Vegas five times a year and have greater drinking stamina than I do). It's just that I can so clearly and vividly remember getting my last drivers license six years ago. I was a senior in high school so I went to the DPS before school that morning. It was the day of the Celebrity Waiters Luncheon, this charity event I used to volunteer at every year to get an excused day off from school, and I remember standing with a group of my friends getting ready to carpool over to the luncheon and saying, "Wow, this doesn't expire until 2006! I'll be 24 then!!" And because I was 18, 24 was this impossibly old age, and I never imagined how quickly the time would pass.
But now I know better, and I know I'll be turning 30 like, tomorrow. And that's weird.

It's also weird because my parents got married at 24. Not that I ever imagined I would be married at 24, or even thought I wanted to be married at 24. In fact, I had a whole conversation with my dad today about how crazy he and mom were for getting married so young. But the honest truth is that I also didn't imagine that I'd still be completely single at 24. I want to get married eventually, and I want kids (I know, how many times do you all have to listen to me blab about this?). Because of the whole wanting kids thing, in an ideal world I'd like to get married before I'm 30. Especially because I want kids (plural) and I realize that kids plural is much less likely if you don't even start trying until you're in your mid thirties. I know I have a lot of options for becoming a mother even if I don't get married by 30. I also know that there's a good possibility I have nothing to worry about and when I'm 30 with a crying baby and a cheating husband and I hate my life, you'll all say "Remember how much you thought you wanted this, and how you thought it would never happen!? Haha!" But admit it, at some point in your life you daydreamed an ideal life for yourself. And my ideal daydream involved marriage by 26 or 27. And now that I'm 24 and still very much single, I don't see that happening. I don't see myself suddenly becoming the type of person that can meet a guy and progress to marriage all within the course of just a year or two, and since I'm not that kind of person, my little ideal life schedule is no longer a feasible daydream.

I guess that's what it all boils down to, ultimately. My little "professional career woman settling down to take a few years off and raise a family by thirty" daydream isn't really something that is likely to happen anymore, so I'm having to reconfigure a lot of my dreams.
And that reconfiguring isn't a bad thing, actually. I've spent a lot of time over the past several months imagining things I could do with myself if I do in fact end up Single For Life, and my ideal single life daydream can make me pretty happy, too. The hard thing is that I would like to believe that my ideal single life daydream can be the same thing as my ideal married life daydream if I happen upon the right person, so it's hard to feel like anything I imagine myself doing as a Single For Life isn't settling for second best, somehow. It feels like anything I can do by myself would be even better if I wasn't by myself, you know?

And I hate that I feel that way. I hate it for a lot of reasons. A number 1, I hate it because it's illogical. I look around me and can see that out of all of my friends who are coupled up (and that's the majority of them right now) there are maybe only 2 couples that have the really good, strong, happy relationship that I'd like to have for myself. So I know it's illogical to believe that any relationship in my future is going to make me perfectly happy when probably 90% of the couples I know do not have great relationships. What's the likelihood that any relationship I have would be any different? So why do I persist in feeling like having a committed relationship could make me any happier than I am right now? Statistically, it's more likely to just add a lot of complications, right?
B number 2, the feminist in me HATES IT. A lot of my thesis project has ended up focused on the sexual revolution and the women's liberation movement, and while a lot of the more radical stuff just makes me want to say, "Whoa, chill," I read all these inspiring essays and articles and I'm left wondering what all that passion and rallying and revolution in the 60s was all about if 40 years later I'm sitting on my couch an intelligent, self-sufficient, creative, successful, sexually confident woman knowing exactly how strong and capable I am of being on my own but still whining about how I'm 24 with no prospects for marriage. I mean, what the fuck is that?
I get angry at myself for buying into the marriage hype. I can try to justify it by saying that the need I feel to be with someone and have a baby is a physical need, a primal need, so deep inside of me that I can't remember a time in my life when I didn't feel it. But that need didn't get there by itself. Do you think nature can really be that strong? Because I don't. I know that my "need" is at least half the fault of society, and if we all lived in Transsexual Transylvania or some such place I'd only be worrying about which guy I should sleep with tonight and whether or not I'd look hotter in the black corset or silver sparkly fishnets. That's a silly example, I know, but it's also true.
I guess I just can't shake the marriage dream because there's always the chance I could get lucky. That I could in fact somehow be one of the blessed people that finds someone on this planet that enhances my good points, accepts my bad points, and let's me do the same for him.

But I want to shake that dream. I do. I want to shed the part of me that thinks of marriage and family as the best option and instead I want to see it as just one of many equally terrific options, possibly not even as terrific an option as some of the others. I want to be cool enough to think like that. I'm going to keep working on it, anyway. Do a little mental and emotional deprogramming this year. Yeah. That sounds healthy. And I think it would be beneficial even if my future does end up containing marriage and family anyway.

Anyway. I'm looking forward to 24. I felt some trepidation about being 23. I remember telling Kymberli how 23 is one of my scary years. There's something about the 2 and 3 combination that I don't like. I tried to psych myself up last year but frankly, I was getting a bad vibe from 23 right from the start. And maybe it was a self-fulfilling prophecy, but this has been the first year of my life that wasn't better than or at least as good as the year before. Careerwise I've had a great year. I feel smart and successful right now and that's a good feeling (and a feeling I'm going to enjoy for the next six months because after that who the hell knows what is going to happen). Socially, it has been a pretty good year, too. It started out kind of slowly and for the majority of last winter and early spring I still felt like my best friends were elsewhere and Austin was just full of acquaintances for the most part (before you even say anything, Matthew, you were an exception!). But I finally got really close to some people here over the summer, and then this school year started and brought the new wave of grad students and now I once again feel like I have an awesome core group of friends, friends that know my favorite sex position and the meanest thing I've ever done in my life. You know, things all close friends should know about one another. Haha. So career and money=great, social life=good with a last minute upswing to awesome, but my love life has been pretty damn sucky for most of the year. It started out as confusing, was perfect for about a month (honestly, only about a month...that's all it was...funny how one perfect month can then proceed to screw up the entire rest of the damn year) and then it was just sort of a mess. I'm out of the messy part now, but obviously I'm still figuring things out and ready for a clean start. Here's hoping 24 has that in store.

I feel better about 24 than I did about 23, anyway. Now it just needs to be 2007 because I don't know about you guys, but it seems like 2006 has been a rough year for the majority of people I know. Lots of transitions, lots of sad things. It's gettin' to be clean slate time, don't you think?

So yeah! 24 in 2007! 24/7! Hey, look at that! That's promising. My life is about to take on the characteristics of a convenience store!

And no, my birthday did not totally get lost in all the business this weekend. Rocky opens on Tuesday so I did have to spend the majority of my actual birthday working on my lobby display and watching the dress rehearsal (and oh. my. god. The costumes for this show! They are incredible. We had a guest costume designer and he did some beautiful, crazy things. I was drooling over practically every costume on that stage tonight. I feel inspired to try to make something crazy/gorgeous/slutty and wear it for box office managing on opening night, although in actuality I'll probably chicken out and draw the line at fishnets and hooker boots). But on Friday night Mandi threw a birthday party for me and her boyfriend Jason (we share a birthday). We went barhopping and then back to her house where Richie and I attempted to consume our weight in Jello shots, and Debbie and Mandi did some booty dancing, amongst other things. It was a fun party, and Chelsea and Shane are taking me out for dinner sometime this week, which is very nice of them. So there have been fun birthday celebrations. And the happy birthday phone calls today were interesting, mainly because a couple of people I was positive would remember it was my birthday seemingly almost forgot it, and people I never expected to hear from and hadn't actually heard from in a long time called to say happy birthday. Go figure. In the end I did in fact hear from everyone I feel I "should have", though, plus a few others. So that's fun. I feel loved!

Also, I keep forgetting this fact, but I'm going to Ohio on Thursday for that conference. I won't be back until Sunday and even though I'll have my computer with me I'm kind of doubting I'll have the time or inclination to update this thing. And there's no way I'm updating before Ohio because with Rocky opening this week I don't even think I'll be sleeping, let alone writing.

So expect an update next week, probably something about how this Texan froze her ass off and totally botched her conference panel.

Peace.

More Teasing, Still No Posting

2006-10-28T23:34:00.000-06:00

So I was going to sit down tonight to write about everything that has been going on in my life lately but then I realized I'm just way too tired. That and I somehow just killed three hours of my life catching up on e-mail and posting pictures and while that was stuff I needed to do, I can't believe how long it took me to catch up on all of it and I just can't justify spending any more time on the internet tonight. Not when I have actual homework to do. I mean, it's not like I'm going to actually do homework on a Saturday night, either, but I could at least go to sleep a couple of hours earlier than normal so that I can stay up later and do more homework tomorrow without needing a nap.

Rocky opens a week from Tuesday and I'm absolutely nowhere near where I need to be for that project, surprise surprise. Procrastinating has served me well my entire life, why start making things easier on myself now? My work on Kelly's show is over, but it doesn't matter because I really need to start working on school applications NOW so one project has just replaced another, and I think I bombed a test on Thursday night because I rushed the last of the three essays so that I could finish the test in time to go see a show and drink margaritas with some of the other grads. At the time I didn't care, but now that a couple of days have gone by I'm thinking that, hmmm, maybe sacrificing twenty points of my test score for a margarita wasn't the wisest idea. I can only hope that it's more like ten points instead of twenty and that the fact that everyone else except for two people had already finished the test before me (which is why I was rushing in the first place) means that they didn't write fabulously detailed answers, either.

So, uh, school is...yeah.

I went out three nights in a row this week and was drinking on two of them, which is not my standard operating mode anymore, so I think that's maybe why I'm feeling extra tired tonight. The fact that I even consider two nights in a row of drinking as a big deal is kind of sad to me. Or maybe I'm supposed to be proud of myself that I'm not boozing four or five nights a week anymore? The fact of the matter is that my overall level of productivity seems to be about the same whether I'm drinking four nights a week or half that much, so I don't know what that says about me. It was a fun week, and I'm glad everyone in my life has a little more time to hang out these days outside of the academic setting, but next week I'm putting myself under house arrest. For real this time.

I still have so many other things I'd really like to get around to talking about eventually. Here's a preview of some things I may or may not ever actually write about:
-The party and the Stones concert in El Paso that I still haven't talked about but really should because that's actually something somewhat exciting and out of the ordinary and surely that would be more interesting than another I'm So Busy entry
-Cohen's painting skills at our trip to Pet Fest today
-My current stand on the Mike situation (incidentally, don't even get me started on why after eight months there's still even something I think about as the "Mike situation" in the first place because Jesus, shouldn't we have a handle on this by now?!), or the sort-of-flattering-sort-of-sad text messages I'm once again getting from The Ex Who Shall Not Be Named, or the confusing mixed messages I am occasionally getting from a friend, or all the 18 year olds that have crushes on me (why?!), or something, ANYTHING remotely interesting involving a guy
-Thanksgiving plans, as this is the first year of my life that I'm not going home for Thanksgiving and I can't decide what to do with myself
-Thoughts on my upcoming 24th birthday (soon, too soon)

The Not-an-Update Update

2006-10-23T01:22:00.000-06:00

So, I have a whole lot to say about my trip to El Paso. I have too much to say, in fact, and I have no idea when I'm going to get the chance to do a real bloggity update.

The basic summary is the Rolling Stones were incredibly awesome, the party was incredibly ridiculous and fun, I got to see Cassie and can't wait for her wedding,and things with Mike continue to be complicated in both good and bad ways.

I might be hiding out until Rocky starts on November 7th because I need to focus on all my dramaturgy work, so if I'm not around much until next month, well, I'm sure you don't actually care all that much. And if you do, you'll live.

Also, you should be jealous right now because I have the world's best tuxedo cat snuggled up on my lap and the world's best basset hound curled up beside me with his head on the cat. Said basset hound almost passed his Canine Good Citizen test today. He didn't quite pass because he still needs some work on proper leash walking, but I'm trying to get into another CGC class so we can try again in December. I'm very proud of him for coming so close to passing, anyway.